My friend Linus is a great man. He told us stories of his exploits. There was a time he screwed a girl and she started shouting, "Ede! Ede! Ede!". The girl had underestimated him. His diminutive height and small head must have put her off initially. But what Linus lacked in appearance, he supplemented with the allowance he scrapes off his parents every now and then. Linus appeared learned in the act of screwing. And when he had the chance to show the girl how capable and manly he was, he never looked back.
"Who has made a girl cum here?" He asked.
There was a momentary silence. Everyone of us was yet to tread that domain. It is what we slept at night dreaming about. Some of us were even virgins for goodness sake. He suddenly understood the silence.
"pre-intimacy", he whispered. "Everybody say pre-intimacy"
"pre-intimacy", we echoed.
Whenever Linus preached, we listened. Who would dare lend a deaf ear to the one who transcended us to the unknowable realm of sexual didacticism.
"To experiment on the lessons learnt so far, we should visit a brothel", a guy suggested.
"Yes", they cheered, loving the big news.
Linus gave him a look that said, "correct guy".
"Ogun kill all the girls wey nor gree for me. Tomorrow I must disvirgin", hollered a guy in the corner. I had not seen him before. But he, like the rest of us, have grown under the tutelage of Linus. He is yet to taste the fruit of life. I know he would love it.
"I dey with Ona", he concluded.
The next day night, we set out to a nearby brothel. Eight of us. One mission: "Get laid and last long while at it".
The prostitutes came out in their splendour, treating us nicely. We sat at a bar close to the brothel. And one by one, we went in, each of us trying to at least last longer than a minute. All six of the guys came out smiling. They all made it past one minute. Even the virgin who looked forward to this day, got the best timescale amongst them. He was happy. I'm sure it was the happiest day of his life. It was my time to go. They cheered me as I went in. God knows I did my bit to ensure I turned out the best. I took some stuff some of the other kids feared.
It had been eight minutes and I was still as strong as a rock. I was tired.
"Oga, you go add join your money o", the prostitute said.
I agreed. I had little choice. We agreed on two hundred naira extra. She initially charged me five hundred naira which I already paid.
"Oya go bring am first before you continue". I did as she asked. Twenty five minutes later and I was still there. It was scary.
"Oga e don reach time to add again o", she said.
I got up, took another two hundred naira from my pocket and slipped it into her hands.
And we were back where we stopped.
About thirty five minutes later, I was done. I swore never to come back here again. I went out to the embrace of their cheers. "Na you biko Oga kpatakpata! Na you biko Oga", they hollered. It brought a smile back to my face. I am oga kpatakpata, I thought to myself.
It was time for the grand finale. Linus time. Made in heaven. As soon as he ventured into the brothel, i raised a glass to the unprecedented moment of witnessing a god screw a girl. They all cheered. There was soon a pause. The other guys were all looking towards my direction. I turned backwards to see Linus coming out of the brothel.
"What happened?", I asked.
"Emmm...the girl...mtcheww...I won be... Abeg guy I don cum o...I don Bleep up", he said, shaking his head.
It turned out Linus was an usain bolt afterall. He was done before we could even finish cheering him.

Funny