Our happiness in life doesn't depend entirely on having a close relationship, but it is definitely enhanced by having bonds that are both healthy and close. If it seems as though yours aren't working as well as you'd like them to, it's possible that with some minor adjustments you can get things back on track.


Research in the area of close relationships and well-being is one of the fastest-growing fields in psychology. We even know that close relationships matter for health, as my University of Massachusetts colleague Paula Pietromonaco has shown in a publication with Bert Uchino and Christine Dunkel-Schetter (2013). With the benefit of several long-term studies that have followed both successful and unsuccessful couples over time, we now know about some of the most common challenges that people face. By catching problems early enough, you can overcome these challenges before they take on insurmountable proportions. The 9 Most Common Relationship Mistakes by Psychology Today

1. Taking your partner for granted to an unhealthy degree.

As relationships mature, there’s a tendency to assume that it’s fine to let the normal niceties of life slip and slide. Some of this is normal, appropriate, and even relationship-building. However, from time to time it doesn’t hurt to reflect on what life would be like without your partner. What would this mean for your everyday existence, your overall well-being, and your thoughts about your future happiness? Once you start to formulate a picture of yourself without your partner, this image might help you take the extra step to show your partner affection, interest, and concern, if only for a moment. It’s too easy to dismiss the people you’re closest to because you expect them to be there no matter what. By doing so, they may very well seek out people who will give them the attention they’re not getting from you.

2. Taking your partner too little for granted.

It’s not a good idea to ignore your partner, but it’s also not productive for the relationship if you constantly worry about whether he or she really cares about you. People who are anxiously attached become so clingy and dependent that they can drive their partners away through their excessive need for affection and reassurance. After you and your partner establish your commitment to each other, it shouldn’t be necessary for you to keep questioning and wondering whether your partner honestly cares. Even if you haven’t reached the commitment stage, you should be able to tell from “behavioral” data whether he or she cares about you. Such data can include not forgetting to call or text you, being courteous and doing you favors, and being nice to the people you care about. If not these signs, there may very well be others specific to your relationship that, if you notice carefully, indicate how much he or she does care for you, which in turn should help you become less anxious about the relationship.

3. Letting the boundaries slip around your relationship.

Within a close relationship of any type, there are bound to be secrets. Letting others into your private world, even if seems perfectly harmless, can erode your partner’s feelings of trust in you and your relationship. If your partner finds out, he or she will feel betrayed or even humiliated. For example, let’s suppose you tell a relative that your partner doesn’t care for his boss. Now let’s say also that it’s unlikely that your relative and your partner’s boss would ever meet. But there’s always a random chance. In addition, what if your relative forgets that this is a secret and mentions it in conversation? Or, even worse case scenario, what if the secret leaks out on Facebook through someone’s oversharing? It will be clear that you were the source of the information. Your partner may never even find out that you’ve been tattling, but the fact that you’ve done so can put your relationship in jeopardy nevertheless. You might start to worry about having opened your mouth and over time start to feel guilty and anxious, emotions that can become troubling and problematic over time.

4. Complaining about your partner to everyone except your partner.

We all can imagine ways to remake our long-term partners. Rather than let your partner know, however, you might mistakenly share your unhappiness with anyone who will listen. Apart from leaking secrets in the relationships (#3 above), such tendencies can become counter-productive on their own. Most obviously, by not telling your partner directly what’s bothering you, it’s unlikely that your partner would know that you’d like to see some changes made in his or her behavior. Less obvious is the fact that by constantly focusing on what’s bothering you, it will be harder for you to see the good in your partner. Those negative ideas about your partner’s minor annoyances can gather momentum over time, and before long, even prevent you from seeing your partner’s other admirable and endearing qualities.

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