please.

Do you have the means to rent a home for your brother and make him productive if he is not working at the moment?

Before doing this it will good if you sit him down and tell him you are doing it so he can become a man. Do not bring the issue of your wife as your reason for doing that. Don't be too serious when talking to him and don't do it in a serious atmosphere. Do it in a free and friendly manner. Don't talk to him like a Junior brother but as a mate.

It could be after one or two drinks or watching a football match and then you start this brotherly friendly talk. Give him reasons that will boost his ego and don't even go near the issue with your wife. Start being friendly to him weeks before doing this. Tell him he is going to have more freedom to be what he wants to be. Like having the fun of his life and also remind him that this will not break the bond between both of you.

I believe if you wish well for your brother, your family is going to understand the actions you have taken. Talk to them in a humble and friendly manner, Don't show it that you won't take their advice or you are trying to cut away from them. How old is your brother? Is he studying right now or working? Try to draw your wife closer to your family, even if she is not visiting at least calling them on the phone will be okay. Always try to attend family gatherings with her or events.

This is the little i can put down for now but will surely do more if there are new details in your reply. I wish you well brother.

Pharoh:

Do you have the means to rent a home for your brother and make him productive if he is not working at the moment?

Before doing this it will good if you sit him down and tell him you are doing it so he can become a man. Do not bring the issue of your wife as your reason for doing that. Don't be too serious when talking to him and don't do it in a serious atmosphere. Do it in a free and friendly manner. Don't talk to him like a Junior brother but as a mate.

It could be after one or two drinks or watching a football match and then you start this brotherly friendly talk. Give him reasons that will boost his ego and don't even go near the issue with your wife. Start being friendly to him weeks before doing this. Tell him he is going to have more freedom to be what he wants to be. Like having the fun of his life and also remind him that this will not break the bond between both of you.

I believe if you wish well for your brother, your family is going to understand the actions you have taken. Talk to them in a humble and friendly manner, Don't show it that you won't take their advice or you are trying to cut away from them. How old is your brother? Is he studying right now or working? Try to draw your wife closer to your family, even if she is not visiting at least calling them on the phone will be okay. Always try to attend family gatherings with her or events.

This is the little i can put down for now but will surely do more if there are new details in your reply. I wish you well brother.

Thanks very much for your reply,i wasnt thinking in that direction.He is a corper,but only travels to sign his allowee and returns,i have talked to him severally on the need for him to go independent,but he is always looking at making mega bucks at once befor leaving my house.Even with the NYSC allowee,i still give him money to supplement.

My wife is closer to my family,at least to my parents.

jodeci:

Thanks very much for your reply,i wasnt thinking in that direction.He is a corper,but only travels to sign his allowee and returns,i have talked to him severally on the need for him to go independent,but he is always looking at making mega bucks at once befor leaving my house.Even with the NYSC allowee,i still give him money to supplement.

My wife is closer to my family,at least to my parents.

Good to hear back from you now, Your reply makes my earlier solution more complicated or easy. Since he is looking to make mega bucks before leaving then i don't think it will be easy for him to accede to my earlier solution. Anyway in that regard what you can do is to help him fast track the process of making the mega bucks. He is going to finish serving soon so if you have good contacts you can start the processing of making sure that he is placed in a very comfortable Job after the service year. It could be in the oil and gas sector, banking, telecoms or high paying fields.

You can as well try to find out what youths are doing these days that brings good money quickly to them and introduce or encourage him to try those stuffs as well. It could be Forex trading or anything just try to do some little research. I will not be subscribing to crime (yahoo yahoo) or anything illegal but at least it could be something fast but not what will land someone in trouble. Nigeria is a ground for fast business so he can try something because from your reply it seems he is not going out everyday apart from receiving all those money.

It will be good if you try to find out from your wife what is the problem she is having with your brother? It could be about the food or helping in the domestic duties, it could also be about privacy issues (Intruding on her privacy or receiving friends especially female ones or loud friends). It could also be how your brother behaves around the house.  She might also be angry why you are taking care of an adult if she contributes greatly in running the household. I don't know but try to find out. Then try to ask your brother as well what is the problem, i would want to suggest that maybe it is because your wife is younger than him or maybe he thinks he deserves your unconditional sympathy if like me your parents struggled to raise you all up. He might be thinking your wife is just enjoying what she did not work for. Please this are just suggestions and tell me if i am going overboard. I would like to plead that you should not be offended .

Good that your wife is close to your parents and maybe your other brothers and sisters since it will make them see reason for your actions. If you do find out or you already know what is the issue between them please let us know. I will like to say more if i know that because i would not be advising you for now to solve the problem from one angle ( Brother or Wife) since it might be misinterpreted by the other party and we all know the after effects (Hatred from your family or a wife that is not happy).

Sorry for the long post.

Ol' boy kick his broke ass outta your house! What nonsense?
I can only imagine the horrors you're putting the poor woman thru with that ingrate in your house.
Pls discover the real meaning of a home and find out who really owns a home. . . it's the woman my dear, the man only presides over it and your so-called brother is just an imposition/misfit here.
He should be thankful that she allowed him to be accommodated for up to 2weeks and now he's heating up the terrain?
Kick his raggedy ass out.
He's a freakin adult for crying out loud! Let him grow some balls and get himself a crib instead of subverting some other person's home.
Dang!

Pharoh:

Good to hear back from you now, Your reply makes my earlier solution more complicated or easy. Since he is looking to make mega bucks before leaving then i don't think it will be easy for him to accede to my earlier solution. Anyway in that regard what you can do is to help him fast track the process of making the mega bucks. He is going to finish serving soon so if you have good contacts you can start the processing of making sure that he is placed in a very comfortable Job after the service year. It could be in the oil and gas sector, banking, telecoms or high paying fields.

You can as well try to find out what youths are doing these days that brings good money quickly to them and introduce or encourage him to try those stuffs as well. It could be Forex trading or anything just try to do some little research. I will not be subscribing to crime (yahoo yahoo) or anything illegal but at least it could be something fast but not what will land someone in trouble. Nigeria is a ground for fast business so he can try something because from your reply it seems he is not going out everyday apart from receiving all those money.

It will be good if you try to find out from your wife what is the problem she is having with your brother? It could be about the food or helping in the domestic duties, it could also be about privacy issues (Intruding on her privacy or receiving friends especially female ones or loud friends). It could also be how your brother behaves around the house.  She might also be angry why you are taking care of an adult if she contributes greatly in running the household. I don't know but try to find out. Then try to ask your brother as well what is the problem, i would want to suggest that maybe it is because your wife is younger than him or maybe he thinks he deserves your unconditional sympathy if like me your parents struggled to raise you all up. He might be thinking your wife is just enjoying what she did not work for. Please this are just suggestions and tell me if i am going overboard. I would like to plead that you should not be offended .

Good that your wife is close to your parents and maybe your other brothers and sisters since it will make them see reason for your actions. If you do find out or you already know what is the issue between them please let us know. I will like to say more if i know that because i would not be advising you for now to solve the problem from one angle ( Brother or Wife) since it might be misinterpreted by the other party and we all know the after effects (Hatred from your family or a wife that is not happy).

Sorry for the long post.

From all sincerity of purpose,i appreciate your contribution,i have asked my wife severally why the constant quarrels between my bros and her,all she could answer was she doesnt like how my brother talks.

On the other hand,my brother thinks,i am not doing enough for him in terms of giving him money and these he thinks my wife is stopping me from doing.I have explained to him severally that i might be as rich as he thinks, after all i am only a salary earner.

I have also tried telling my wife to tolerate him,even when he talks thrash to his friends to her hearing,but she cant bottle that.

Like just yesterday,my wife over heard him telling his girlfriend that,he is not gaining anything from me apart from food and accommodation and that even the food my wife gives him most times wasn't what he wants to eat,my wife over head him and flare up.It took my land lord to quell the skirmish,since i was not at home.

@Bolarge,
Are you really a man?
If you are the one in this kind of situation, will you handle it acording to your responce here?

This is how some men set other peoples house on fire, while they sorround themselves with ICE BLOCKS. IT'S TOO BAD

FELIX30:

@Bolarge,
Are you really a man?
If you are the one in this kind of situation, will you handle it acording to your responce here?

This is how some men set other peoples house on fire, while they sorround themselves with ICE BLOCKS. IT'S TOO BAD

Fortunately I don't operate by blinding sentiments, only principles.
If there's anyone in this equation who doesn't belong, it's the so-called brother.
Mind u, the only person jodeci chose here is his wife, his brother happens to be another imposition only this time by nature, time and chance. He never chose to have him as a brother.
From all that's been said he's doing his best for this brother who doesn't even act like he's appreciative.
The best the brother could've done is to keep a low profile but no. . . .
Same applies to when "mama" comes from village and starts terrorising the "useless wife"
Y'all should decide whether u wanna get married and who u wanna get married to- ur wife or ur family members.

jodeci:

From all sincerity of purpose,i appreciate your contribution,i have asked my wife severally why the constant quarrels between my bros and her,all she could answer was she doesnt like how my brother talks.

On the other hand,my brother thinks,i am not doing enough for him in terms of giving him money and these he thinks my wife is stopping me from doing.I have explained to him severally that i might be as rich as he thinks, after all i am only a salary earner.

I have also tried telling my wife to tolerate him,even when he talks thrash to his friends to her hearing,but she cant bottle that.

Like just yesterday,my wife over heard him telling his girlfriend that,he is not gaining anything from me apart from food and accommodation and that even the food my wife gives him most times wasn't what he wants to eat,my wife over head him and flare up.It took my land lord to quell the skirmish,since i was not at home.

Now it is becoming clearer so for now i will say put more effort on your wife so she can tolerate your brother actions with all the patience she can muster. I know it is not easy but just assure her that you are finding a solution to it in the shortest possible time. It will be good if they can both get along with each other before your brother moves out. He looks like someone who will still try to instigate hatred for your wife even when he is not living there anymore judging from the conversation with his girl friend.

Your wife is very intelligent and she will never say it all for now so she does not get you offended and pushes you to the other side of the battle. She will not want say those things now and yet situations on ground still remains the same without you finding a solution. Plead with her if possible with some little sadness or tears to tell you all and with assurance that it doesn't change how you view or regard her. Make her know the importance that her opening up will be to finding a resolution.I Think the ladies can be of more help to you how to make her open up. i am not so sure about mine.

As for your brother i knew that will be his reasons and i stated it in my earlier post. I would want to say he is not being very reasonable with you and he is obviously moving with the wrong company. A girl friend that cannot advice you to be a man or try to advice you how to relate happily with a fellow woman is not right for him. Your brother has been finding life so easy that he will never appreciate your efforts for now and will always think otherwise. I would have advised you to increase the money and tell him that it is for him to overlook the food issues with your wife but that might be  a step in making him a black mailer.

To me the best solution is for your brother to live separately from you. Giving him more money will not solve the problem and it your wife's house she will not tolerate your brother's actions or try to make concessions. It will be better if you can set a time frame and make one big sacrifice. when your brother gets a good job please, immediately settle him him at that moment so he can start a new life. You can rent and furnish an apartment for him far away from you. It will be nice if your wife doesn't know or you don't give her the full details before she misinterprets it.

Posting here in the family section gives you low patronage sometimes so i will suggest you make a link to this thread on the romance section. Hope others will come and give more advice.

Try to put the blame on yourself when one party is complaining about the other party.

Bolarge:

Fortunately I don't operate by blinding sentiments, only principles.
If there's anyone in this equation who doesn't belong, it's the so-called brother.
Mind u, the only person jodeci chose here is his wife, his brother happens to be another imposition only this time by nature, time and chance. He never chose to have him as a brother.
From all that's been said he's doing his best for this brother who doesn't even act like he's appreciative.
The best the brother could've done is to keep a low profile but no. . . .
Same applies to when "mama" comes from village and starts terrorising the "useless wife"
Y'all should decide whether u wanna get married and who u wanna get married to- your wife or your family members.

You are right and if it was me i would have taken some but not all the actions you prescribed but the man is concerned about the overall effects on his home and family relationship. The family could decide to hate the woman ? ( Normal African scenario ) or even start giving him trouble and they might also want to distance themselves from him.

That's the reason why i am going soft with my advise for him but truly speaking the brother has been a big let down in this situation. 

jodeci:

From all sincerity of purpose,i appreciate your contribution,i have asked my wife severally why the constant quarrels between my bros and her,all she could answer was she doesnt like how my brother talks.

On the other hand,my brother thinks,i am not doing enough for him in terms of giving him money and these he thinks my wife is stopping me from doing.I have explained to him severally that i might be as rich as he thinks, after all i am only a salary earner.

I have also tried telling my wife to tolerate him,even when he talks thrash to his friends to her hearing,but she cant bottle that.

Like just yesterday,my wife over heard him telling his girlfriend that,he is not gaining anything from me apart from food and accommodation and that even the food my wife gives him most times wasn't what he wants to eat,my wife over head him and flare up.It took my land lord to quell the skirmish,since i was not at home.

This attitude didn't start now. From what you've written it shows your family is the type where the younger ones are trained to look at their elder brother as a breadwinner only . Although some women would look the other way just to avoid quarrels, no woman likes such nonsense. The sooner your brother finds his own place the better for everyone.
I agree with Phraoh but not on posting this on the romance section. Let's conserve the sanity of this place.

@ Pharoh,

I deliberately posted this on the family section,as i earlier stated,It is only for the mature and experienced and not for BOYS.

All the same,i appreciate all contributions,as i go through your contributions.I feel heavily relieved and inching closer to the solution.You wont how difficult it has been except u have been through same.

Once more,Thanks to you all.

I've been in the same situation and I know how it feels but I was and still the wife. Since they don't get on well with each other, I doubt it will happen unless the Good Lord interfers. Familarity breeds contempt. 


Let's look at it from two point of view.

The Wife

The length of your marriage: If you've been married for a short while, ain't no wife will want someone living under her roof cos d first few years make or break a marriage.
Have you two got any kids?
Does he help at all(house hold chores)?
Does he make any contribution to bills? This varies from family to family, it's all down to your upbringing. I started making contributions from age of 16 so it varies and I felt it wasn't fair to have an adult living with us who wasn't making any contributions.

the brother
I'm also sure things your bro wasn't seeing before he was living under your roof has now been made obvious. He might have respected your wife before and doesn't anymore. Do you two fight in front of your bro? Name calling etc. Do you do any household chores your bro doesn't like seeing you do?

I'm talking from my own point of view. His sibling actually helped but never made any contribution whatsoever which can be very annoying cos I had to.
What stemmed from her living with us?
I don't have a good relationship with my inlaws as a result and up to now
In my case we had just gotten married and immediately his sibling started living with us, it was a recipe for disaster.
My husband eventually asked his sibling to leave and guess who they blamed Me of course.

This is something you have to consider as well. Are you ready for your family to blame your wife hence having a strained relationship with them.

will love to add more but I gat to go.

Its wise you leave this thread on the family section.

most pple with unguarded comment are always on the romance section looking for who to abuse.

@Pharoah, pls keep it up. its not only jodeci that needs this advice and i must confess i am enjoying it.

@ beetle

yeah,we have a set of twins,our first issue after 18 months of marriage.

i will never scold or insult my wife outside the bedroom,so the question of quarreling with her before my bros doesnt arise.

as per my bros and domestic chores,he doesn't help in anyway at all,absolutely lazy when it comes to domestic chores.But my wife and i overlooked that since i can practically play the role of a woman when it comes to domestic chores,i had rather help.

I am really learning alot from this fore-going.

@jodeci let me be quite honest with you, at the rate your brother is going it is better he lives sepeartely from you,
if you have a nice boysquarters that would be ideal for him , for now but if you don't try and put your foot down in the house.

it is quite obvious he has no respect for you and your wife and his quest to make money fast might lead him into dangerous company. and now that you have little kids involved you need to be conscious of security.
you can call them both in and ask what the problem is, he will obviously not have any any tangible escuse to give(if your explanation is a true reflection of the situation), caution him on how to politely talk to your wife and caution your wife softly on raising her voice to him.

but try and get him a very good job, maybe if he finds himself occupied he will not get into trouble with your wife.

That means it is time for that Brother to go.
1. The house belongs to my wife and my brother is just a guest in there, according to family settings.
2. my wife is feeding her and accomodating her and he has to respect her.
3. She is my wife and that give her the kind of authority that i have, so my brother will have to talk to her, the way he would talk to me.
4. My brother just have to get it . . . another manager is in the house and that is my wife.

.

exactly fhemmy n chaircover that system would work in d western world but in naija no way,the wife will end up being d outsider,but all d same u have to say someting becos things r definately going 2 get worse.

Btw brother and wife? The brother has to go and go quickly. I will not tolerate anyone who belittles my wife's status in OUR house and home. Even my parents will not try it talkless of a brother!

Maturity does not mean that you have to pacify both of them and make them friends or make them tolerate each other. Maturity also means that you are old enough and responsible enough to take some actions AND STAND BY THOSE ACTIONS. Throw the little bugger out of your house and stand by your decision. If any family members or elders attack you for doing such, maintain your decision. That is maturity.

The brother has to go yesterday. I don't understand why there should be any other solution. I bet if your wife's brother was disrespectful to you (in your face for that matter) your wife will not let him be there for one more day. You are selfish. Your wife is an angel because that boy and his bags will be outside my door before my husband gets back from work.

chaircover:

I like your stance Femi and in the real world that should be the way it should be. It's in times like this that I love the oyinbo way of doing things.

But in Naija world, what will happen is that the wife now becomes enemy number 1 and the whole/most family stack up against her; which alone is enough to put unnecessary strain on the marriage.

The husband should try and work things out so that all parties are smiling . . . . difficult but achievable.

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.

ubiaa5:

exactly fhemmy n chaircover that system would work in d western world but in naija no way,the wife will end up being d outsider,but all d same u have to say someting becos things r definately going 2 get worse.

If our family could want us to copy the western world in some things, then, they will have to allow us to copy this as well.
Anyhow, my parents knows how crazy i could be, i dont take nonsense, cos the woman is now my bone and my body, she is now my partner, if i am sick or well, she will know first.
So it is only fair to treat right.
They could make her the number one enemy, as long as i am her lover, and her world, that is ok. . . she is married to me and not the family, and i dont blv in "our iyawo", i blv in My iyawo.

Thanks Guys,it been a wonderful contribution fro each and everyone of you.

@poster I have not experienced such but almost but with my first cousin,though very had but I sent her away,but what I always do is make sure that every body concern gets what he or she needs for upkeep,that includes wife/kids/brothers/sisters/mother/mother inlaw and father.This I have to go through to keep everybody happy but you have to deny yourself to achieve this.I encourage my brothers to stay on thier own for easy survival and it is working but you have to monitor their progress.

sayso:

@poster I have not experienced such but almost but with my first cousin,though very had but I sent her away,but what I always do is make sure that every body concern gets what he or she needs for upkeep,that includes wife/kids/brothers/sisters/mother/mother inlaw and father.This I have to go through to keep everybody happy but you have to deny yourself to achieve this.I encourage my brothers to stay on thier own for easy survival and it is working but you have to monitor their progress.

For first cousin? i wont even think twice before eviction from the house.

Fhemmmy:

If our family could want us to copy the western world in some things, then, they will have to allow us to copy this as well.
Anyhow, my parents knows how crazy i could be, i dont take nonsense, cos the woman is now my bone and my body, she is now my partner, if i am sick or well, she will know first.
So it is only fair to treat right.
They could make her the number one enemy, as long as i am her lover, and her world, that is ok. . . she is married to me and not the family, and i dont blv in "our iyawo", i blv in My iyawo.

Dude, we are on the same wavelenght.

I happen to believe that i am married to a wonderful woman, a good one at that. Hence, i will go to any length to make sure i treat her right and keep her happy. I believe that if she is happy and content, then i will also be happy and content.

I do not subscribe to that nonsense of "our iyawo". That is rubbish. I believe also that this is what causes a lot of problems in our Nigerian/African households - where a mans brother, sister or parent can walk into a mans house and start ordering the mans wife around. Gaddemit, i will not take that from any of my people. That said, i will not walk into any of my siblings houses (younger or older, male or female) and start lording it over anyone. SO WHY SHOULD ANYONE DO THAT TO MY OWN WIFE?

@ post

Get him out of your house, your borther has a lot of issues and its better to set him straight now and he will thank you for it later.

I broke up with my ex because his elder brother wanted something that belongs to me and i said no. i became his mortal enemy from tha day but my problem was not his brother but the fact that my ex took side with him . The family said i should apologise to him because that is the way he is.

They pratically idolise the guy, he is domineering and very covetous and because he is their son they didnt see any need to correct him.

I just left their son for them, i can't tolerate nonsense from any inlaw.

I simply prayed for them that may their daughters have such brother inlaws. Amen

Man, love is thicker than blood, tell your brother to get a life.

LOL. Damn. Wonders will never end

Next thing now he will want his brother's wife as well and the family will be asking you to apologise for that too.

Epiphany:

Dude, we are on the same wavelenght.

I happen to believe that i am married to a wonderful woman, a good one at that.  Hence, i will go to any length to make sure i treat her right and keep her happy. I believe that if she is happy and content, then i will also be happy and content.

I do not subscribe to that nonsense of "our iyawo". That is rubbish. I believe also that this is what causes a lot of problems in our Nigerian/African households - where a mans brother, sister or parent can walk into a mans house and start ordering the mans wife around. Gaddemit, i will not take that from any of my people. That said, i will not walk into any of my siblings houses (younger or older, male or female) and start lording it over anyone. SO WHY SHOULD ANYONE DO THAT TO MY OWN WIFE?

That thing irritates my bone.
when i was chasing her and using all my "oyinbo" to woo her, where were they, now she don fall and in love with me, she now become "our Iyawo"? i dont think so, i understand, she needs to respect my family, like she has to respect anyone else, she needs to love my family, however, if they decide to make themselves unloveable, she needs not worry, cos i will be there for her to love her, appreciates her and celebrate her.
I never blv in inheritance from parents, so if they will strike me off the will cos of that, no wahala, that is just an assurance that i need to work harder and be a good husband a great father to my own kids.
If they refuse to visit us, no wahala, that means a bag of rice will last us longer  
And if they wont attend our parties, that is kool too, cos that means, we wont have to cook all the "Nija" food, and we can cook what we like. .  

Outstrip:

LOL. Damn. Wonders will never end

Next thing now he will want his brother's wife as well and the family will be asking you to apologise for that too.

They are just hypocrites dear. You know after the break up, i thought i was going to die but God has been so faithful to me! I got over it faster than i thought with God's help, he is just.

Right now, am on top of my game and i wonder what i was doing with those kind of people in the first place.

They think women are maids, they are so , , i dont know what to say

sparta:

They are just hypocrites dear. You know after the break up, i thought i was going to die but God has been so faithful to me! I got over it faster than i thought with God's help, he is just.

Right now, am on top of my game and i wonder what i was doing with those kind of people in the first place.

They think women are maids, they are so , , i dont know what to say

Just forgive them . . . . ave fun