In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning a farmer named Donald…
Lawyer : Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine.’
Donald : Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…
Lawyer (interrupted) : I did not ask you for any details, just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’
Donald : Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…
The lawyer (interrupted again) : Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Donald’s answer and said to the lawyer “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Donald thanked the judge and proceeded :
Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
Now what the Bleep would you say?

Waiter : Sir, how is the food of our restaurant ?
Customer : Good, delicious like lip licking, but… .
Waiter : But, what Sir ?
Customer : But, after receiving the bill, it is lip biting !

Customer : Waiter, There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter : Don’t worry Sir, You don’t have to pay the extra bill for the fly !!

In a restaurant a customer is drinking tea….
Customer : Hey waiter, why the dead fly is in the bottom of my cup.
Waiter : I think the fly don’t know how to swim !

An educated son and his illiterate father went on a camping trip. They setup their tent and fell asleep. After a few hours father woke his son and asked…
Father : Look up the sky and tell me what are you seeing ?
Son : I am seeing millions of stars .
Father : What does that mean to to you ?
Son : Astronomically, it means that there are millions of galaxies and planets in the space.
Father : Idiot ! Someone has stolen our tent.

An Inspector has come to a village to inspect a school. Entered in to the class eight classroom and asked a question to a student…
Inspector : What is the name of our President ?
Student : Norendra Modi.
Inspector : I’ve asked you the name of our President.
Student : Pesident ? Sir, Soniya Gandhi.
Inspector : How you’ve promoted to class eight ? I’ll expel you from this school.
Student : Sir, how you’ll expel me ? I am not the student of any school.
Inspector : (Angry) What ? Are you not the student anymore ? What does this mean ?
Student : Ya, I’m a cow boy and and bring my cattle to the school field for grazing. Sir told me that he’ll give me 10 rupees to sit in the classroom.
Inspector : Bo ! Mr. teacher, you should be ashamed. Are you starting business with education ? I’ ll fire you.
Class Teacher : Yoo ! You can’t fire me. I’m not the teacher. Have you seen a grocery shop in-front of the school gate ? That is mine. The original teacher told me that a man would come from town and just stay and sit in the classroom, he needs to go to the market.
The inspector became angry and went to the Head Master’s room.
Inspector : Are you the head master of this school ?
Head Master : Any problem sir ?
Inspector : What are you doing this ? Conducting this school with some fake teachers and students.
Head Master : Sorry sir ! Actually I’m not the head master. My uncle is the original head master. He is a land broker also, and gone to other village with his customer to visit a land. He told me to give this one thousand rupees bundle to you, if you come to visit this school.
Inspector : (Happy) Okay , I am not saying anything to you all. But next time I’ll not forgive you. Actually I am not the inspector, the original inspector is my uncle also. He is now too busy with his construction business. Today he has gone to the City Corporation to drop the tender. He told me to visit this school on behalf of him !!

Newly Married Couple
Its 11 a.m.
As one newly married couple are not being out from bride chamber, the parents of groom are a little worried because of not being come out to their newly married elder son !
Father is ashamed to call him and asked to his younger son,
Father : Did you see your elder brother?
Younger Son : I have not seen in the morning. However, in the last middle night I saw him once !!
Father : Say what !! How did you see him?
Younger Son : Last night, my brother came to me for ‘ Vaseline ‘.
Father : Did you give him Vaseline?
Younger Son : I gave, but..
Father : But?
Younger son : Getting up in the morning, I’m unable to find out the container of Glue which was kept just beside the Vaseline.

Three fathers are talking about their sons career….
1st Father : My son is doing well in his business and has earned a lot of properties and money. He earned as much as he has gifted a house to one of his friend in the last month.
2nd Father : My son also earned a lot by doing business. He also gifted an expensive hotel suit to one of his friend in the last month.
3rd Father : Although my son is not a business man , he has earned a huge and is in a good position in his career. Also the income and earning is so good that he gifted a Jaguar car to one of his friend.
Meanwhile another friend of these three fathers has presented on there. The three fathers asked their friend about his son’s career.
4th Father : (Angrily said) Please don’t ask about that scoundrel . He has destroyed my honor. He is a gay.. but the income and earnings are not bad. In the last month he has being a owner of a house, a Presidential suit and a Jaguar car !

This is Business.

Father : I want you to marry a girl on my choice.
Son : No
Father : The girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.
Son : Then ok
Father goes to Bill Gates
Father : I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates : No
Father : My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates : Then ok
Father goes to the president of the World Bank
Father : Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.
President : No !
Father : He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President : Then ok.

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and a female friend:

GIRL: I need a sugar Daddy who doesn’t want to have sex with me
Akpos : Follow these steps:
1. Enter a provision shop
2. Buy one or two cups of sugar
3. Go home and pour all on your daddy.

Akpos is crazy guy ooh.
The following conversation ensued him and a tourist in Lagos.

Tourist: Can you please show me the way to the mortuary?
Akpos: Oh that’s easy. Just close your eyes and cross the road. You will be there in no time
Lol. Akpos no go kill person ooh.

A girl came skipping to home from school one day…
Daughter : Mommy, Mommy, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 !
Mom : Very good.
Daughter : Is it because I’m blonde ?
Mom : Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.
The next day the girl came skipping to home from school….
Daughter : Mommy, mommy, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N !
Mom : Very good.
Daughter : Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy ?
Mom : Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.
The next day the girl came skipping to home from school…
Daughter : Mommy, Mommy, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these ! (She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest ).
Mom : Very good !
Daughter : Is it because I’m blonde, mommy ?
Mom : No Honey, it’s because you’re 18 !

American President, Donald Trump decided to paint the White House and hence availed the project for contractors worldwide to send in their bid.
A Chinese contractor bided 3,000 USD,
An European contractor says he will need 7,000 USD for the job;
Akpos, an African contractor who is based mainly in Ghana and Nigeria says he will take 10,000 USD.
Each of the contractors was asked to give details of their budget.
Below is their budget breakdown:
Chinese: 500 USD for painting materials; 2,000 USD to pay my workers and 500 USD as my workmanship -I will hire 4 people.
European: 5,000 USD for painting materials, equipment/machinery; 1,000 USD for the machine operator and 1000 USD as my workmanship.
Akpos: (He whispered into the president’s ear)- I will give you Donald Trump, 4,000 USD; I will take 3,000 USD as workmanship and give the remaining 3,000 USD to the Chinese to complete the project.
Trump was confused.

The following conversation ensued Akpos, an envagelist and a Chinese man:

Evangelist Akpos: How are you?
Chinese Man: I fine.
Evangelist Akpos : Do you know Jesus Christ?
Chinese Man: No. But you give me sample, I make for you.

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his son:
Son: Daddy who is an idiot?
Akpos: an idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a way that another person who is listening can’t understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No!

Two friends are talking….
Boltu : You know, my grandfather is a brave man. He went to the jungle of Africa in the last summer and suddenly confronted by a tiger.
Montu : Really ! After return he must be applauded by everyone ?
Boltu : I did not say that he came back.

Two friends are talking..
1st Friend : I would like to give something to Angela for valentines day. Please tell me what should I give ? I wanna give her such a thing which she would like very much.
2nd Friend : Angela likes you ?
1st Friend : Too much.
2nd Friend : You can give her anything. It’s clear that Angela’s tastes and preferences are not so good.

Two friends are talking…
1st Friend : Girls are like examination of school to me .
2nd Friend : Why ?
1st Friend : Complex, not easily understood, a lot of questions, the answers are always doubtful !

If animals have Facebook, these are most likely to be their Status Updates,
COCKROACH: “Managed to skip from some one’s foot step.. Man, I lead a dangerous lifestyle!”
Cat: “My 7th child is asking who is her dad. What shall I tell her??, I don’t even remember”
Mosquito: “I am HIV positive.. this is all due to wrong sucking”
Chicken: “If tomorrow I didn’t updating my status, means I’m being served at KFC. Love you all ”
Pig: “Oh gosh they throw the gossips that I am spreading flu…WTF!! ”
Goat : “Friends, don’t go out, Eid is coming soon”.

Believe it or nt u r a blessin' to this generation....



As u r making me happy the lord will make u happy in every area of ur lifey

seanwilliam:
Believe it or nt u r a blessin' to this generation....




As u r making me happy the lord will make u happy in every area of ur lifey

Amen oh. Shey, who no like better thing.

i dont like better things i like things better. I know by now you will be wondering whats the fvcking difference; you had make jokes better and thats the difference

plumule:
i dont like better things i like things better. I know by now you will be wondering whats the fvcking difference; you had make jokes better and thats the difference

*****blushing***** awwww. I'm glad you like it better.

Below are some of the Troubles You Face With Policemen on The Road…


Why is your laptop bag empty, you want to steal a laptop and keep it in the bag abi? Oya, enter the motor!
**************
Oga, this your Range Rover Sport car is fine o. Oya, use it to hit that wall there let’s see if your airbag is working. Oh! So you don’t want to use it to hit the wall abi? Oya, park!!! I say park before I break your head with my baton.
***********
Why is your car not having A/C? You want to use heat to kill yourself. You want to commit suicide abi. Oga, park well!
*************
The picture on your driver’s license, you carry afro (lots of hair), why do you now carry low cut? Come down now!.
************
Why do you have fertiliser in your boot? You are growing weed abi? Follow us to the station!
*************
MAN: He snatched my WALLET and I was about to shout “THIEF” when three HEAVY slaps landed on my face. I didn’t see anything for thirty minutes except STARS.
POLICEMAN: Can you describe the stars?

An Igbo man, a Yoruba man and an Hausa man were lost in a forest and then captured by cannibals.
The king of the cannibals told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step was to go deep into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruits.
The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits. The Yoruba man came back and said to the king, “I brought 10 apples.”
Then the king explained the trial to him, “You have to swallow the fruits without any expression on your face or you will be killed. The first apple went in, but on the second one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The Igbo man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy…. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The Yoruba man and Igbo man met in heaven and the Yoruba man asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with the trial.” The Igbo man replied, “I couldn’t help it, when I saw the Hausa man coming with Watermelons!”

A Ghanaian, a Kenyan and a Nigerian entered into a game show.
The host explained the rules, “I’m going to say jokes for an hour straight and whoever doesn’t laugh at the end receives $5000!”
The host starts and after 15 minutes the Ghanaian is out. He continues and after 40 minutes the Kenyan is out.
When the clock hits 59 minutes he gives up on making the Nigerian laugh. All of a sudden, the Nigerian starts laughing.
The host, looking bemused, asks, “Why are you cracking up now, all you had was one more minute to win the prize and I didn’t even tell a joke now?”
The Nigerian replies, “I know, but I just got the first joke!”

A dog ran into a cow meat butcher’s shop and grabbed a meat bone off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his.
The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Unhappy at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, “If your dog stole a meat bone from my shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat bone?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the meat bone?”
“1,000 Naira.” the butcher replied. The next day, the butcher received a cheque in his house for 1,000 Naira. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: 15,000 Naira.

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough.
She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.” “That’s not the problem, ” the groom says. “She gave me $20 change!”

1st son : Degree in Economics.
2nd son: MBA.
3rd son : PhD
4th son : Thief
Neighbour: Why can’t you throw the
4th son out of your house? Father : He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.

Akpos, a policeman, stopped a motorist and his friend on the road and after checking his car papers and driver’s licence which were intact, the following conversation ensued:
POLICEMAN AKPOS: If you start feeling sick on the steering, who would drive this car home?
MOTORIST: I don’t intend to fall sick officer, but thank God I have my friend here. if I fall sick, he will drive me home.
POLICEMAN AKPOS: (turns to his friend) Where is your driver’s license?
FRIEND: I don’t have one.
POLICEMAN AKPOS: You are under arrest for intent to drive without a licence!

Akpos has an advice for all African men in 2017.It is as follows:
The moment you ask a girl “WHAT’S WRONG?”
And she replies “Hmmm”
Guys, dont ask “why hmm …?”
Its a Mobile Money Trap!