This is my first time on nairaland.

Iam 30 yr old beautiful lady dating a 40 yr old lawyer (bacherlor), he loves, cares and respects me a lot. We dated for just 4months (Dec. to April) and had proposed to me (even though i have not accepted/rejected it) before we had a misunderstanding based on some issues which I know he has plans for them. Late last year (November) he started calling me and pleaded that we reconcilied and iron out our differences, eventually I visited him this january and we reconcilied. But in my inner most heart, I'm worried beause;

(1) I don't know If Iam wasting my time and energy with him because of his age and not being ready to get marry
immediately.

(1) I don't believe that a man of 40 yrs old doesnt have a steady paying job even though he read a professional course
and dont know how long is going to take him to establish like buying a car, owning a house, start his own law chamber and even take care of the wife and children considering his age.

(2) He doesnt dress the way I would want him to dressed; like a young man ( i try to teach him that)

(3) He complains that he doesnt know where i stay and that I am not proud of him (which is true. because I want to
be sure its him i want to settle down with).

(4) I also want to know if the age difference betwwen us is something i should over looked.

Please your sincere advice are needed no matter how hurt I am going to feel.

Thanks.

A lawyer at 40 who does not yet have a set of wheels or a roof over his head may on closer inspection turn out to be an impostor who probably knows less about the legal profession than a carpenter knows about brain surgery.

I smell deception in the guy's cover story, but hey, if he is nice to you and has a good heart, who cares if he later turns out to be an eccentric billionaire living incognito off the land. Marry him with immediate effect.

hi sister,welcome to the the land---
firstly,you said

'he loves, cares and respects me a lot'

and

But in my inner most heart, I'm worried beause---

of the above u mentioned.
for me i'd say marriage is all about love and to sign contract into the future, i don't think u love this guy from what u've written, and from what u've written all is based on material and outward things not the person he is.
moreover,wherever there is love there is No doubt,fear or worried, u go for it come what may in the name of love. you can't change him but to love him 4 who he is.
check your heart if you love him why waiting but if --- then hear the inner voice, thats why it is there---
 once in a life time decision. carefull ok

Not that I am materialistic or dont love him, far from that, but i believe when it comes to serious issue like marriage, there are also some important factors that need to be taken into consideration which applies to both men and women. I am worried because of his age (40 yrs, which i practically emphasized). Not knowing when he will be able to acquire those basic necessities of life because as far as Iam concern, they are not luxury and children will be taken care of. Those cannot be achieved without laying a proper foundation. However, I am not leaving everything for him to take care of , but i would first of all want to see him live up to his responsibility as a man.

Thanks

The yoruba do say , Ibi Ori Da Ni Si La Gbe , if that is where you are destined to me , then u wil definately be there , When there's life , There's Hope ,

@Nggold, i feel ur pain, dump that guy fast, u know little about him, a lawyer @ 40 and nothing to show? BTW what has led to ur being 30 and not settled yet? Maybe u need to seek spiritual help, age aint on ur side sis!

You mentioned quite a number of negatives. Not that 40 is too old.  The age difference between you guys is OK. But, he is definitely a late bloomer, if he has not settled down into his home, marriage, kids, or any of that. I understand why you are worried. You definitely want to bring kids into an established and stable environment. You said he loves, cares for and respects you, so may be you should talk to him a little more and try to get an idea of what his plans are. The dressing part and all that, you can coach him on. The key thing is what does the future hold for you guys as a couple and as a family.

Why shy away from the truth? This thingy would hit the rocks soon as the deceit gets uncovered, she should give herself a soft landing and look beyond this 40yr old bachelor thats prolly got a kid somewhere!

@ topic,

I find it quite difficult to believe that a guy that claims to be a lawyer in 9ja still has nothing to show for all his efforts at 40!! The age thing doesn't really matter but as you rightly said, marriage is not something you rush into and please forget what anyone says about your age it's better you marry the right person than rush into marriage with a wrong person only to regret it for the rest of your life. Are you sure he's a lawyer? When was he called to the bar? What has he been doing since he was called to bar? Are you sure he has a certificate? (Not Oluwole certificate o). Do you know his friends/colleagues? What do they do? All these are issues you should think about b4 u rush into anything so that you don't end up taking care of not only your children alone but him as well. I wish u luck. But i'll advise you to do some serious praying and soul searching.

SISTER, U KNOW MY CANDID ADVICE
TAKE A HIKE, RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK A WINK. ITS A SHAME U EVEN TEACH HIM HOW TO DRESS PROPERLY. THAT SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM THAT HE IS A MISFIT. MEANWHILE HE DOEASNT SEEM TO BE WORRIED THAT HE IS NOT EMPLOYED OR DOING ANYTHING.
PLEASE START DATING ANOTHER PERSON IF THEY ARE STILL AVAILABLE. IF THEY NOT, THEN HOLLA AT ME. I HOPE U R AS BEAUTIFUL AS U SOUND.

nggold:

This is my first time on nairaland.

Iam 30 yr old beautiful lady dating a 40 yr old lawyer (bacherlor), he loves, cares and respects me a lot. We dated for just 4months (Dec. to April) and had proposed to me (even though i have not accepted/rejected it) before we had a misunderstanding based on some issues which I know he has plans for them. Late last year (November) he started calling me and pleaded that we reconcilied and iron out our differences, eventually I visited him this january and we reconcilied. But in my inner most heart, I'm worried beause;

(1) I don't know If Iam wasting my time and energy with him because of his age and not being ready to get marry
immediately.

(1) I don't believe that a man of 40 years old doesnt have a steady paying job even though he read a professional course
and don't know how long is going to take him to establish like buying a car, owning a house, start his own law chamber and even take care of the wife and children considering his age.

(2) He doesnt dress the way I would want him to dressed; like a young man ( i try to teach him that)

(3) He complains that he doesnt know where i stay and that I am not proud of him (which is true. because I want to
be sure its him i want to settle down with).

(4) I also want to know if the age difference betwwen us is something i should over looked.

Please your sincere advice are needed no matter how hurt I am going to feel.

Thanks.

You are 30 and still single?

Women don't tell their real age.
When a lady says she is 30, she could be 35.

If you are 30 and he is 40 and he is an attorney, you better hook him now that he is yet to buy a car and have his own house, because once he gets regular income, a car and a house, you will lose him to younger babes and even older women who will now compare him to the Nollywood hunk RMD.

There are a million and one younger women out there who are ready to snatch him.
And they will even tell him that at 30, you are too old for him.

You better play your cards well.

Finis.

Thank you guys for all your advice. The Ladies are not talking to me, please i need your opinion.

kitaun:

Why shy away from the truth? This thingy would hit the rocks soon as the deceit gets uncovered, she should give herself a soft landing and look beyond this 40yr old bachelor thats prolly got a kid somewhere!

I am too sure he doesn't have a kid somewhere.

niyooo:

@ topic,

I find it quite difficult to believe that a guy that claims to be a lawyer in Nigeria still has nothing to show for all his efforts at 40!! The age thing doesn't really matter but as you rightly said, marriage is not something you rush into and please forget what anyone says about your age it's better you marry the right person than rush into marriage with a wrong person only to regret it for the rest of your life. Are you sure he's a lawyer? When was he called to the bar? What has he been doing since he was called to bar? Are you sure he has a certificate? (Not Oluwole certificate o). Do you know his friends/colleagues? What do they do? All these are issues you should think about before u rush into anything so that you don't end up taking care of not only your children alone but him as well. I wish u luck. But i'll advise you to do some serious praying and soul searching.

I appreciate your words of encouragement;
Yes he is a practicing lawyer and was called to bar 5 years ago, precisely, year 2002. Though he worked in someone else's chamber and was owed for over a year according to him when he later resigned late last year to set up his own chamber as soon as he gets enough cash. Actually, he studied Accountacy as first degree and then law in Masters Degree. I also know some of his friends/colleagues who are lawyers and politicians.

Orikinla link=topic=38251.msg857455#msg857455 date=1170334038:

You are 30 and still single?

Women don't tell their real age.
When a lady says she is 30, she could be 35.

If you are 30 and he is 40 and he is an attorney, you better hook him now that he is yet to buy a car and have his own house, because once he gets regular income, a car and a house, you will lose him to younger babes and even older women who will now compare him to the Nollywood hunk RMD.

There are a million and one younger women out there who are ready to snatch him.
And they will even tell him that at 30, you are too old for him.

You better play your cards well.

Finis.

I am sorry you dont know me, I am 30 and I am 30 and not one of those women that lie about their age. I dont see any reason lying about my age when I know Iam talking about something serious. I dont have complex neither have all my mates gotten married. I also know my level of achievement at this age (30 yrs) and believing God to crown all my success with his own approved soul mate ( Be it the Lawyer or any other guy). So the issue of lying about age does not arise. (NO OFFENCE, ORIKINLA)

NOTE: He doesnt know about these achievement even though i dont have a car yet for some reasons best known to me.

Thanks.

If both of you are serious Christians, then go for counselling.
The headquarters of the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG) in Lagos and even the one in North America have well seasoned pastors who can help you.

If you love him and he loves you, then both of you can learn from your communion and build your family.

Thank God the man has a good profession.

There are many 40 years old lawyers in Nigeria still struggling to succeed.
So, those who are regarding him with disdain are just ignorant.

There is no Mr. Perfect.
Because, perfection is a process that does not end.

Thanks Orikinla for your wonderful advice.

Honestly, you just had me thinking seriously.  Pastor Bimbo!, May her gentle soul rest in perfect peace, would have really helped in this case, but in any case I will go and meet with another good pastor.  I also think that I really need to work on myself, let go some certain things and see if my love for him will develop more and trusting God for any other thing that will be added unto it.

Thank you once again.

With all this funny feelings about this dude, you still thinking of marrying him?

"He doesnt know about these achievements"? What kind of relationship d'u both have in the first place?

from all wat u've said pls go for him,who knows---

chei, see my people o. una don turn the girl to desperate person o. all because she said she's 30? y'all feel she's too old and should settle for crap? thats bad advice y'all. she's talking about a life long committment with this person, not just dating. i dont think it should be taken lightly in this day and age of divorce. pls my sister, listen to your heart o. dont just leap into it, no matter the pressure. you dont want to be unhappy at the end of the day.  it sucks that in our culture, women are always made to feel like they dont have much choice when it comes to what they want and so they should "manage". total bullshit!

Lock yourself up in a room and ask "Do I really love him?" If you answer yes without missing a breath go for him. But before you leave the room make up your mind to face the challenge or battle ahead. It wasn't easy fro the manger boy to become the KING. When you leave the room you have to begin to ask questions; from asking him questions and encouraging discussions you'll begin to find solutions.

Maybe he has a 3rd class and he's always timid about applying jobs but Gani Fawehinmi made something out of his life. The older he gets the more difficult it is to get a job but where does his talent lie? Having a degree in law does not mean he has to be a lawyer. When he becomes linked to his calling you won't have to complain about the way he dresses etc

A friend met this girl who was a go getter, smart, pretty, Godfearing, The friend na drop out who always claim to have read a course he did not complete and 13 years older than the girl. But the love was sincere and the lady has helped him to discover his calling. Today they are happy (my guess) and laying a foundation for a bright future.

Another friend though intelligent and just landed a bank job dressed like a village boy, looking timid and reflecting all the values of SU. He met this pretty media girl in church and went for her. The babe saw what others did not see. She saw a diamond in the rock and went for it. At the time they met, the guy was squating with friends. Before you could say Onyali (must it always be Jack Robinson?) she encouraged (or lured) the guy to get his own apartment and change his wardrobe. Today village boy don become "oga" giving order as he cruises around the coal city with "madam".

Follow your heart and learn to pray things to reality.

This question should have been asked this way.
Should I marry a man who is 10 years older than me?
Should I marry a guy who does not have a car?
Should I marry a guy who does not have a house?
Should I marry a lawyer who does not have anything to show for it?
Should I marry a man who loves me but does not have enough money?

It will also be interesting to tell us what's your economic status- i mean how many cars, houses and jobs do you have since marriage is a union of a man and a woman. Are u in Nigeria or elsewhere?

Iam 30 yr old beautiful lady

Before I give you my candid advice do you think you can post your picture so your
above statement can be verified.

_{i don't know what to say so me i just want to wash what happens} 

_{him to establish like buying a car, owning a house,}

_{just wondering why you put a car before a house
you are 30, do you like someone else somewhere else?}

now a day generation, properties is equal to love. my grand dad told me stories b4 he passed on, how pple eloped to far distance not even with slipper @ foot talkless of a house for d night, all in the name of LOVE.

faith and love of our fathers . . .

remember - some nevermind to wed today, and divorce tomorrow
[center]the KEY is with you . . . live is fun [/center]

Galfriend that's a tough one but i'll help you in the best way that i can.
Concerning the age thing i've always thought that as long as there's love, age shouldn't be an obstacle. He loves and respects you, above all he cares for youm my dear those qualities don't come by everyday. Other things, you guys can sort out together,  the question is do you love him because if you do then hold tight to what you have, its gold.
When it comes to his dressing mode, i believe when two people are together, they mould each other, so girl make him dress the way want him to dress, maybe he dresses that way because nobody has taught him otherwise
Now he's a graduate, so believe that sooner or later his career will be made, then the materials things will follow. Riches can come anytime, what's important are both of you and your hapiness
What shall it profit a man if you have all the riches and no one to love?   You can do it

Nite Angel:

Lock yourself up in a room and ask "Do I really love him?" If you answer yes without missing a breath go for him. But before you leave the room make up your mind to face the challenge or battle ahead. It wasn't easy fro the manger boy to become the KING. When you leave the room you have to begin to ask questions; from asking him questions and encouraging discussions you'll begin to find solutions.

Maybe he has a 3rd class and he's always timid about applying jobs but Gani Fawehinmi made something out of his life. The older he gets the more difficult it is to get a job but where does his talent lie? Having a degree in law does not mean he has to be a lawyer. When he becomes linked to his calling you won't have to complain about the way he dresses etc

A friend met this girl who was a go getter, smart, pretty, Godfearing, The friend na drop out who always claim to have read a course he did not complete and 13 years older than the girl. But the love was sincere and the lady has helped him to discover his calling. Today they are happy (my guess) and laying a foundation for a bright future.

Another friend though intelligent and just landed a bank job dressed like a village boy, looking timid and reflecting all the values of SU. He met this pretty media girl in church and went for her. The babe saw what others did not see. She saw a diamond in the rock and went for it. At the time they met, the guy was squating with friends. Before you could say Onyali (must it always be Jack Robinson?) she encouraged (or lured) the guy to get his own apartment and change his wardrobe. Today village boy don become "oga" giving order as he cruises around the coal city with "madam".

Follow your heart and learn to pray things to reality.

Best realistic reply so far.

Add the following must have:

1. Diligence
2. Intelligence.
3. Honesty
4. Respect
5. Sincerity
6. Transparency and
7. Wisdom

You should have all what I listed above and both of you will make it.

If you are truly a Christian, then see the examples in the Holy Bible and use them to guide and guard you and you will always be glad and grateful to God.

Love is a seed and where,when and how you sow it will determine your harvest.

Read the parable of the Sower by Jesus Christ.
It is direct you all the way.

Na wa for this nairaland oh.Which kind post be this.If you can list his list of wrongs confidently without batting an eyelid.Then he aint the man for you.RUN as fast as your 30 year oldlegs can carry you.Run far from him.

You guys quit advicing her there are some topics that u can think through yourself why labour nairaland with it.

Look here NGGOLD i wont be sweet with you at all .As some1 said 30 means like 35 but not withstanding you are not to old.I have a list of examples around me who are regretting marrying losers like your bobo.

The most recent my auntie she was in her late thirties when she hooked up with this guy over 40,never married no kids anywhere and still living in his mothers house in surulere.

Being a rich spinster she did all the cleaning up to suit her celebrity status bought him clothes,took him with her on trips round the world( omo see love! hmmm you go fear now).

Today the story has turned oh,sexually the guy is lazy no be say him no dey do but once in a loooooooooong time.He works but what he earns can only care for himself.When they got married she was living with him in his family house in surulere until she went to rent a 3 bedroom apartment worth 950k for 2 years.

Now she desperatly wants a child,uncle could'nt be bothered,auntie is on the move wasting millions from 1 fertility clinic to the other.

Omo better wise up now.Age is nothing but a number,some of us are not destined to be omotola jolade who married at 16( or was it 18).When Mr Right will come he will come loaded.Not perfect but what u can handle.God will give you the bone of your bones not a burden to bear.

U confidently listed his list of wrongs in bullet points, until some1 mentioned in 1 of the replies i did not even see the part of him being caring or respecting you.He knows what he wants from you.Am sure at your age you are comfortable and at least begining to live your dreams.

I know am too hard on him,but my dear wise up.Because if you don't i can bet you,you will be back on naira land asking us to help you leave your husband(God forbid that).And sincerly i won't want to think you a very d*** chick.You sure don't sound like one.

from nggold
don't believe that a man of 40 years old doesnt have a steady paying job even though he read a professional course
and don't know how long is going to take him to establish like buying a car, owning a house, start his own law chamber and even take care of the wife and children considering his age.


my reply

ok 30 for 30 abi! i believe u.But sister u for no mention material stuff because then people would think it is the material u are after.

to orikanla
please don't help her begin to get a wish list of rights!she could list 4 wrongs and 2 rights

My sister.U have spoken run away and start over.

from Nite angel
Another friend though intelligent and just landed a bank job dressed like a village boy, looking timid and reflecting all the values of SU. He met this pretty media girl in church and went for her. The babe saw what others did not see. She saw a diamond in the rock and went for it. At the time they met, the guy was squating with friends. Before you could say Onyali (must it always be Jack Robinson?) she encouraged (or lured) the guy to get his own apartment and change his wardrobe. Today village boy don become "oga" giving order as he cruises around the coal city with "madam".

my reply

this one no be diamond for rock oh