My husband and I have been together for fifteen years now, including courtship. Two years after we started dating, he cheated on me and I caught him red-handed by showing up from NYSC camp unannounced. He at first denied they had sex but confessed when I saw proof in the dustbin that day. He promised that was the only incident and we went on to get married. I truly thought I had forgiven and forgot. He has not given me any real reason/evidence to doubt his faithfulness since then but lately I’ve been having this nagging feeling that there were other instances at the time that he never confessed to. I just feel like he’s likely to cheat on me again if he hasn’t already and I feel the urge for a fling/flings of my own because I hold a lot of bitterness towards him from that incident. I know our culture frowns at women’s infidelity but I’ve never been bothered by culture so please don’t preach that to me. I just feel he deserves to know when I have a fling so that he can suffer the pain of betrayal and live in distrust forever just as I have had to live. We have children and I’m in my 30s but still look good and regularly get admiring glances from men so cheating wouldn't be that hard.


When we met, I was a virgin and had told him he could have other women because I would not have sex until my wedding night but he insisted he was a one-woman man who wouldn’t cheat on me. When I capitulated, I let him know the access to other women would be cut off and he agreed but like a fool, wanted to eat his cake and have it. He’s the only man I’ve ever had sex with but engaged in play with my only other boyfriend prior to our relationship.
I suspect the marriage may not survive this crisis but somehow, I’m not too bothered at this point, just in a lot of pain.

What are your views on this? Mature comments please, for or against.

U just realized that u need to cheat on him after 13years together You have no prove that he's still cheating on u and I wonder how you've managed to cope together all this while, when u have not really forgiven him. You are on deceiving urself. My advice. If you have not done it, please desist, you'll end up regretting ur action. Moreover think abt ur kids, they'll suffer the most, and they might find it difficult to forgive u when they get to know what actually happened later on in life. If u do it, be ready to be a single parent, cos no man will take u serious as they'll see u as a potential cheat, that's if they find out what u did to ur last husband.

My dear,

why didn't you think about it well before going ahead with the marriage? Is it now a case of "I have what I want so i can mess around"? That wont lead u anywhere. It's better you settle the issue within urself and stop holding bitter grudges of the past. If u can't settle on your own, then discuss it with him again.

Cheers!

against it

work out your issues

dont mess urself up by letting another man see your unclothedness
u have everything to lose eg ur dignity

So what do u expect us to tell you? to go our there and have an affair? what happens if you're caught? you think your husband will "suffer the pain of betrayal and live in distrust forever just as you've had to live"? You'd be surprised. The society accepts that men can marry many wives so their infidelity is mostly overlooked and pardoned even by their wives, this is not true for a married woman who cannot for instance marry two husbands, so what would be the rationale for infidelity? vendetta?.

I always say 'to err is human, to forgive divine'. Let by-gones be by-gone. Free your spirit of all this evil thoughts, be optimistic and learn to trust once again. Be happy!

Dear, i know hw u feel. A sore has been created in ur heart. Be determind 2 let it heal. Uve been a good girl. Dont pay evil 4 evil. God apreciates u. Believ that ur faithfulnes is 4 Gods sake. One day God 'ld vindicate u. Just try to free ur mind because hypertensn is real. Keep urself busy. Find joy nd succor in ur jewels,{children}. Free ur mind. Pray 2 God to restore trust nd his love into ur heart. Dnt feel bitter. Just keep prayn 4him.

You know what? you are a disvirgined idi.o.t

So after 13 yrs or 15 yrs you wanna go ruin the future of your kids?

oh pls go ,sleep with as many men as possible, i could organize one for you, you know? just tell me where you are based and you will see 3 hot men at your doorstep, dont forget to throw the used condom in the bin too

You better spend you stupid or useless time on better things like getting 10 cartons of pads for your menopause coming up pretty soon

ode

@poster
You're just looking for a cheap excuse to frolic with other men apart from your husband. Perhaps, you'e getting bored with one d.i.c.k and one variety. Perhaps you miss the fact that you missed your youth.

All those talk 'bout being in pain and 'background story' are simply excuses to fall back on.
Get over it woman, you're just feeling Hot and cowardly so, you dig up history to support your intentions.

ADVICE: spice up your r/lsp with your husband. This is what marriage is all about. For better For Worse.

Everyone, thanks for your mature responses and may we all be blessed with wisdom

@poster

Pls, don't do it. I regret my actions everyday. It hurts, hunts and haunts me like hell even as a man, who has the "license to cheat." How much more you, a "lesser mortal,"

Read my story: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-359397.32.html

Why are people attacking the woman? Is her foolish husband not the reason why she is thinking like this?
Inpain, dont commit infidelity. He is not worth it. One day he will get tired and return to his family.
Me sef I don tire for men. Is intimacy all that they think about?

AYO KA YO,

Too much happiness dey worry u, sote u dey look for trouble,

I see your point. I totally get it.
Women are expected to forgive their men when they cheat. Society and the whole world expects you to forgive, forget and move ahead as one happy stronger family. Yeah right! Truth? Its hard to trust again. My take? Dont cheat only because he did. I tend to preach about financial independence so here we go. . Make sure your finances are in order and you can fend for you and your kids if anything happens. You know your man and if you still have doubts you know why. Next time you catch him call it a day. It was gracious to forgive the first time. Second time? No.
People alway sing and preach about the children. The children! The children. You dont have to endure infidelity and risk diseases or your sanity because you brought forth.

Cyberfreak:

Why are people attacking the woman? Is her foolish husband not the reason why she is thinking like this?
Inpain, dont commit infidelity. He is not worth it. One day he will get tired and return to his family.
Me sef I don tire for men. Is intimacy all that they think about?

I wonder too but I am not suprised. The man who cheated is not being reprimanded but the woman is. That is why Naija is a terribly backward country because of the useless male negroes we have in that country who cannot keep that AIDS infested private part in their pant. And yes, intimacy is all men think about that is why they can work for years to build their lives and loose everything just because of the private part of the opposite gender. May AIDS continue to send them to their graves!

Against it.

One bad turn doesn't always deserve another, especially in a situation like this where it's not just you and him; possibly more people involved.

Learn to forgive, not necessarily forget. Although, in your case, I'll recommend forgiving, so you can really move on.

Don't channel all your energy towards him, neglecting yourself in the process. Keep working on you!!

coolier:

So what do u expect us to tell you? to go our there and have an affair? You think your husband will "suffer the pain of betrayal and live in distrust forever just as you've had to live"? You'd be surprised. The society accepts that men can marry many wives so their infidelity is mostly overlooked and pardoned even by their wives, this is not true for a married woman who cannot for instance marry two husbands, so what would be the rationale for infidelity? vendetta?.
,

I doff my hat to you! You have said it all!!

@poster.
I feel your pain. I guess for years now, you have been living with this pain.

Just as you have been advised, don't waste your dignity because of your hubby's unfaithfulness.

You can change your husband only if you are patience. Keep praying for him, keep loving him, do those things you know will always make him come back to you.
Don't quarrel with him, just continue to show him love until he realizes himself.
This is your cross. You will definately overcome.

Well posted Livvvvy.

The story sounds like there is a huge space in the middle to be filled in before it makes complete sense. Why after 13 years is this now eating at you. The first mistake you made was telling him to have sex with other women because you were a virgin. What the heck? That was over 13 years ago though. What is the real issue. You are holding back something

Cyberfreak:

Why are people attacking the woman? Is her foolish husband not the reason why she is thinking like this?
Inpain, dont commit infidelity. He is not worth it. One day he will get tired and return to his family.
Me sef I don tire for men. Is intimacy all that they think about?

Why is this now being brought up 13 yrs later? why did the poster not break the relationship right away when he cheated?

Like the poster said, she's not been given any reason to think he's cheating since then . .means she's been holding a grudge all along and this is certainly not good for any relationship. Even now that there are kids involved.

When your man cheats and you cannot take it, let him go right away. Dont stay with him so you can get back at him cos you'll only be hurting yourself more n more.  Same goes for the guys too.

Work it out with him, everything would be okay.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you brashly encouraged your man to go out and do work on other women? And you buttressed that by telling him you don 't mind?? To add insult to injury you caught him cheating but waited 13 years to start hurting?

Am I missing something

Anyways, I don't see how evening the score will make you feel any better. Might end up leaving you feeling worse with more voids to fill. You can either forgive him or simply terminate your marriage. Your decision.

im tired of all this advice to pray for husband. Keep praying for him! Keep praying for him! They cry. We are all prayed out. Sometimes it doesnt require prayer but logical decisive action.

H2O2:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you brashly encouraged your man to go out and do work on other women? And you buttressed that by telling him you don 't mind?? To add insult to injury you caught him cheating but waited 13 years to start hurting?

Am I missing something

Anyways, I don't see how evening the score will make you feel any better. Might end up leaving you feeling worse with more voids to fill. You can either forgive him or simply terminate your marriage. Your decision.

Please try and read the posts . . . and understand them before commenting!

She said she told him that (to sleep with other women) before he disvirgined her . . and that after she gave in and had sex with him, it was on the condition that there would be no other women, which he agreed to, but being a MAN, he just couldn't keep his thing between his legs!

She forgave him then, yes, but that dosen't mean she forgot! Betrayal can be tricky! I bet she's thinking back now because she's beginnig to see signs that maybe he's doing it again!


@ Poster

I don't the direction of your thinking. I know you think you'll feel better if you cheat too but you are wrong, you'll only feel worse. And to make it even worse, if you get caught, people will blame YOU . . . So if I were you, I'll just let that thought go! When you took the chance with him, I'm sure you knew deep down that he'd do it again.

I think you should learn to live with the past, try and forget it. Don't let it ruin your life now, it's not worth it. But if you catch you hubby cheating on you again, let me know . . . _{I have a gun!}

Ndeewonu:

@poster

Pls, don't do it. I regret my actions everyday. It hunts and haunts me like hell even as a man, who has the "license to cheat." How much more you, a "lesser mortal,"

Read my story: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-359397.32.html

Oh please, your story is pathetic. You got your wife pregant three times in four years and still expect her to 'switch it on' whenever you are in the mood! *rooooooolz eyez*

Ujujoan:

Please try and read the posts . . . and understand them before commenting!

She said she told him that (to sleep with other women) before he disvirgined her . . and that after she gave in and had intimacy with him, it was on the condition that there would be no other women, which he agreed to, but being a MAN, he just couldn't keep his thing between his legs!

She forgave him then, yes, but that dosen't mean she forgot! Betrayal can be tricky! I bet she's thinking back now because she's beginnig to see signs that maybe he's doing it again!


@ Poster

I don't the direction of your thinking. I know you think you'll feel better if you cheat too but you are wrong, you'll only feel worse. And to make it even worse, if you get caught, people will blame YOU . . . So if I were you, I'll just let that thought go! When you took the chance with him, I'm sure you knew deep down that he'd do it again.

I think you should learn to live with the past, try and forget it. Don't let it ruin your life now, it's not worth it. But if you catch you hubby cheating on you again, let me know . . . _{I have a gun!}

You shouldn't encourage your man to cheat on you. Pre or post marriage. It's a disaster as evinced here.

^^^ So somehow the whole thing is her fault now

I'm not casting blames at her, just simply wondering why she's waited a whole decade to cry blood and foul.

Thanks, all. My husband and I talked over the weekend and I think we might be making progress. For everyone out there, I would just say unless there's tacit/unspoken approval on both sides to cheat avoid it, it's simply not worth the destruction. If I had known I would still feel this way after so long, I would probably not have married him, it's not as if I was desperate but honestly thot I could forgive and forget

He knew he was permitted as long as I wasn't sleeping with him and he knew that permission was gone once we started having sex so I did not give him a licence to cheat after our relationship became sexual

Posting this has been therapeutic and I'm grateful for that

H2O2:

I'm not casting blames at her, just simply wondering why she's waited a whole decade to cry blood and foul.

Well that's HER problem isn't it

inpain:

Thanks, all. My husband and I talked over the weekend and I think we might be making progress. For everyone out there, I would just say unless there's tacit/unspoken approval on both sides to cheat avoid it, it's simply not worth the destruction. If I had known I would still feel this way after so long, I would probably not have married him, it's not as if I was desperate but honestly thot I could forgive and forget

He knew he was permitted as long as I wasn't sleeping with him and he knew that permission was gone once we started having intimacy so I did not give him a licence to cheat after our relationship became sexual

Posting this has been therapeutic and I'm grateful for that

Good for you!

She's posting for therapy, ujuju. ujuju since when did you become a therapist.

H2O2:

She's posting for therapy, ujuju. ujuju since when did you become a therapist.

ha, you under estimate me my friend . .