How you know a nigerian movie is on, They play romantic song when someones dies, and a action song comes on when they are kissing. How sweet.

You know it's definitely a 'nolly think' when the soundtrack tells you the whole story so you don't need to watch the movie anymore.The husband's are usually cheats and the enstranged always welcomes back the douche-bag who drove her away for wife no 2.There's usually a love potion involved.

I'm luving this post! Lots of the comments are very funny and so true
ok here are more:

it's a nolywood film when
- Olu Jacobs and Joke Silva are the rich, middle aged couple
with their "hey I can speak like the british man" accent
- The advert commands you to "grab your copy today" and it's
marketed and distributed by an Igbo man, located at Namdi Azikwe rd
or some place in Aba
- shows a plane preparing to land or takeoff from Nigeria. Then
you know the main charcter will be connected to Uk, US and
sometimes Canada. How come they are not coming from India,
Australia, New Zealand? Oh yes, Dubai & South Africa do get
mentioned

also in nollywood movies any ailment can be diagnosed with the stethoscope
also anybody, even an illiterate can be a doctor - all u need to be a doctor is simply put a stethoscope around ur neck

agitator:

when a judge gives judgment by saying "the [b]jury finds" in a Nigerian court an he's the only judge.[/b]

Funny! They are trying to hard to imitate oyibo, just like some Nigerian musicians. What happened to originality?
As for lovepotion which is common in Nollywood, the same Nollywood which showcases juju and black magic has been blamed for fueling the rise in ritual killing in Uganda. I saw that on ABC 20/20

woye77:

also in nollywood movies any ailment can be diagnosed with the stethoscope
also anybody, even an illiterate can be a doctor - all u need to be a doctor is simply put a stethoscope around your neck

That really got me, it doesnt matter whats wrong with a patient, they usually die in the hospital and the famous stethoscope is a last minute cure for the dying patient, And if the have a highly "advanced" doctor, a few pumps to the chest will be a last ditch effort!!!!

u see kanayo as the father of clem ohaneze. abeg who senior 4 each other

[size=13pt]i liked ^{Kanayor O. Kanayor} when it come's to blood money stuff , cultism , secret societies and you know. . . , that guy is too good and i enjoy watching most of his movies. . . . [/size]

You know its a Nigerian movie when:

blood comes out before the bullet hits the body

everybody who dies in the film foams in the mouth no matter the cause of death

Emeka ike looks at the camera to get reassurance he's still an actor

the lead actor wears a yellow shirt sold for N500 with an oversize suit and still feels good in it

some guys are too ugly and are banished to act the role of armed robbers and hire assasins.

Genevive Nnaji (30 yrs) is made up to act as mother to Pete Edochie (60yrs), even though there is mama Toun Oni

you feel like you have seen this movie before, like Ini edo has worn this cloth before etc

when both the actor and actress enter swimming pool to bath instead of swimming.

when every attempt to kiss is accompanied by the sound of hhnnmmmwehn only for the lips not to make contact

producers are so much in a hurry to meet demands they cannot afford to iron rumpled clothes before rushing on set

For those who do not know:



THINGS WE'VE LEARNT FROM NOLLYWOOD

1. Every problem you have is spiritual.

2. In every romance movie, someone must die.

3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!

4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.

5. Poisoned food always tastes better.

6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'Babalawo'/joining a cult/sleeping with rich men.

7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.

8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!

9. With a pastor , all things are possible.

10. A movie can be titled anything, such as:

*The boy is mine,
* Face me, I face you
*Two rats,
*Spanner,
*Calculator,
*Igala,
*Ijele,
*Igodo,
*Igudu
*Shigidi

11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not-'shelled', twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics'.

12. You are in love, you want to take your girl out, the best place you take her to is,

*Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you'll most probably see an ex while feeding each other.
*The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry her playfully.
*Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.

13. An Igbo movie has been made if:

* You visit a Dibia (Babalawo)
* A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of the movie time.
* Kanayo 'O' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is there too!
* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult

14. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same!

15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all!!! (Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the whole story repeatedly - so much for suspense and intrigue!)

16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following actresses-

* Stella Damascus
* Stephanie Okereke
* Genevieve Nnaji
* Omotola Jalade
* Rita Dominic
* Chioma Chukwuka

17. The police are extremely 'efficient' unlike their counterparts in real life.

18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year and even in longer flashbacks.

19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!

20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!

21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because, people are deaf?

22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford - a beautiful house, very good furniture, T.V., nice clothes, but you won't be able to send your kids to school.

23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be inefficient and comical. He MUST dress like a freak, be rude to all your visitors and never mind his business.

24. The bad guy always dies or gets caught by none other than the police- LOL!!!!

25. At the end of a three hour movie you'll be reminded that THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING, WATCH OUT FOR PART 2!

26. An actor must also sweat profusely when crying.

27. An actor announces his death as he slowly dies- “You killed me” “I’m dying” “I’m dead”

28. In a case where a person is on his death bed, he/she must cough till they die.

29. Every ghost must wear a white cloth and have powdered unevenly distributed on their face.

30. No matter the type of movie, TO GOD BE THE GLORY,



31. The part two is usually someone remembering most part of the part 1



32. The part three and four usually bears different titles with part one and two

most times one gun shot is enough to kill someone, no matter which part of the body the bullet lands on
-someone wearing agbada is shot and their is no blood stain on the clothes
-persistent coughing by a bed-ridden patient, indicates impending death
-parents on a death bed, are often times able to pass messages to their children before dying - you hear them saying something like 'take care of your junior ones', 'never forget your family' etc.
-daredevil armed robbers brandishing toy guns

Mr. Cartha:

Abeg ma broda make u no let Hollywood c dis 1 Even Somalia no go fit even try dis 1. Inside car n inside helipcopter no be de same. Dis producer go school @ all

Laughable, Is it a real film or comedy?

lwkmd

There's this ol' drop-out classmate of mine Christopher Onyiwe who's always playing the role of police corporal. Nollywood plz spare him a sin ans give the role of a spoiled brat to play

U knw u r watching a nollywood movie when

everybody talks wit a fake accent. Usually pronounce with as wid. And now as noun.

The accessories must match wit d clothes. If ini edo is wearing a yellow top, she must wear a yellow shoe, yellow earrings and possibly hand bag to match

mike ezuruonye smacks his lips b4 talking. (so annoying)

they say d location of d film is somewhere, but d signboards and road signs say differently.

Aki always acts wit popo. And sam loco is d father.

They neva show a full wedding ceremony. U'd most likely see still pictures and hear camera sounds in d background. Wit d bride wearing d same hairdo she's had all thru d film.

Kate henshaw overacts. Gesticulates too much wit long claw like nails and opens mouth too wide.

Jim iyke wears sunglasses even at night. Lol.

University lecture halls are actually primary school classrooms. Lol.
WATCH OUT FOR PART 2-4. To God be d glory.
Btw what happened 2 d likes of zack orji? Veteran actors.

U knw u r watching a nollywood movie when

everybody talks wit a fake accent. Usually pronounce with as wid. And now as noun.

The accessories must match wit d clothes. If ini edo is wearing a yellow top, she must wear a yellow shoe, yellow earrings and possibly hand bag to match

mike ezuruonye smacks his lips b4 talking. (so annoying)

they say d location of d film is somewhere, but d signboards and road signs say differently.

Aki always acts wit popo. And sam loco is d father.

They neva show a full wedding ceremony. U'd most likely see still pictures and hear camera sounds in d background. Wit d bride wearing d same hairdo she's had all thru d film.

Kate henshaw overacts. Gesticulates too much wit long claw like nails and opens mouth too wide.

Jim iyke wears sunglasses even at night. Lol.

University lecture halls are actually primary school classrooms. Lol.
WATCH OUT FOR PART 2-4. To God be d glory.
Btw what happened 2 d likes of zack orji? Veteran actors.

na waoh. u na dey yearn ooooo

U can know a Nigerian film when:

- The rich man and his wife must wear 'Agbada, Chieftancy, red cap and Boubou respectively and just stay at home doing nothing.

- baskets painted on one side are used as a shields from arrows or bullets for their 'so -called' epic movies

- 'anaconda snake' is made from chair- leather obviously stuffed with fibre and cotton wool.

- a woman is slapped up by her husband, she ends up in an orthopedic hospital with Plaster- of Paris (P.O.P) on the hand and neck!

- Jim Iyke suddenly becomes TOTALLY blind by flames from gas cooker and suddenly regains his sight after being hit by a vehicle

- Liz Benson suddenly starts living under a'Lagos Bridge' after being thrown out by her only son Richard Mofe- Damijo. (she probably never had friends or relatives in her lifetime in that movie).

- Saint Obi actually puts grenades and blows up his vehicle and in the same film tells the veiwers that he sacrificed HIS ONLY VEHICLE to meet our expectation. Eeyah!!!!!

zaliya:

- Saint Obi actually puts grenades and blows up his vehicle and in the same film tells the veiwers that he sacrificed HIS ONLY VEHICLE to meet our expectation. Eeyah!!!!!

You wicked O!!!

You know you are watching a Nigerian Film when


half the film is crashingly loud commercials and for it only to end 30 minutes later with a

"to be continued in Part 2"

With all these flaws, how can Nigerian movies compete in any film festival?
Will Nigerian movies ever get nominated for an Oscar award? "Black and White in Colour (1976)" - Ivory Coast and "Tsotsi (2005)"- South Africa are the two African films that has won an Oscar.

1.U kno is a 9ja film when part 1 is contained in 1 VCD.
2.Someone get to cry 4 more than 30 mins.
3.U get to predict the end after watching 2 scenes.
4.Mr Ibu, Osuofia, Aki & Pawpaw must feature in comedy.
5.The rich always have pot belly nd wears agbada relaxin in his garden. 1 of his offspring must be rude and spoilt.
Nollywood enough is enough, get some trainin on the art of acting.

LMMFAO!@ poster. Wow t,he line that killed me was the line about the poor man always having a beard!

and @ blue Majic

2.  some1 has to be slapped

3.  There jst has to be part 2,3,4 even 5

LMAO! this WHOLE thread has me dying with laughter!

This topic is in a way similar to this one: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-406160.0.html

@MzDarkSkin
Jeez!! Take it easy.

@oníjògbòn
Its a Nigerian movie alright. And thats actually a toy helicopter.

Also, only in a Nollywood movie, an actress would have a short weave in one scene, long weave in the next, and then back to the same short weave again. All within a 24 hr storyline time frame. Na Woli Wor!!!!1
Fake yankee/jand accents from peeps that have not been cleared by Immigration to leave naija EVER!!!

@ Bukittes: 16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following actresses-

* Stella Damascus
* Stephanie Okereke
* Genevieve Nnaji
* Omotola Jalade
* Rita Dominic
* Chioma Chukwuka

SO TRUE.
And for their counterpart actors we have the likes of
Ramsey Nouah
RMD
Desmond Elliot
Mike Ezuruonye
Chidi Mokeme etc etc etc

Can anyone help me out with others??

In hospital scene, there must be an hysterical nurse to shout "Doctor, Doctor" even if the patient complains of only stomach ache.

Thanks must be given to God at the end of the movie. Viewers hate watching films from ungrateful producers.

A popular actor can carry sub machine gun in the poster but his only appearance in the film is to shop in a supermarket.

the helicopter video was just incredibly ridiculous. do those movie makers take audiences for fool. is someone supposed to bliv that. that the worst case of bad filming i've ever seen
. i watched one once where omotola went out with her husband for dinner and something happen and the guy had to leave in annoyance and tell her "u'll meet me at home". when our own omo sexy got home dat same night, she had a new hairdo and change of clothes. talk about bad continuity. and when they're writing the crew they'll put continuity - Adewale Chukwudi Mustafa and the guy will be happy.

men and babe, you all are laughing gas. let's go lol