I don't even know where to begin but please bear with me as it's a very long and sensitive subject.

I had my son at 16 whilst I was in school and as I'm sure most of you can imagine, my family went crazy (they found out when I was about 8mths gone) and to make the matter worse, the guy refused to acknowledge my son.

I still managed to juggle school with baby but it was really hard as my family were not supportive and my grandmother is just about speaking to me now, even though I lived under the same roof as her, I was never made to feel good and I never really enjoyed having my son because everytime I picked him up /fed him, she would go on and on about him being a ba****d and that my life was over. I eventually moved out (actually I left one evening whilst she was at work and never returned) when my son was about 9mths and I was 17.

I have lived on my own ever since (and no not a council flat, I hadn't sorted out my papers in this country then so I wasn't allowed to claim any of their benefits but a good friend of mine put us up for a while and to be honest we had about 5 different addresses before my son was 5) without this guy ever calling me and he knew my number if not my address.

I've had 1 serious relationship since but unfortunately that ended a while ago and I've been single since but it's always really been me and my son and he has never moaned about not having a dad. I work hard and his always saying he wishes he could make lots of money so he can help me and that he would when his older, his such a good boy and a blessing to me that I often wonder how anyone can know they have a child out there but wish not to know anything about them.

This is where I need help now:

I was at work yesterday when my phone went off, I noticed it was a private caller and decided to leave it and see if the person would leave a message and indeed he did.

I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS GUY HAD DECIDED TO GET IN CONTACT NOW.

I waited for him to ring again and I had to excuse myself from the office to answer the call, he started by saying things like:

How's our son (OUR SON??)

I want to know him/see him? (WHERE EXACTLY?)

How was I? (I'M STILL ALIVE, THANKS TO GOD!)

his now married (has been for about 4years and has a baby girl who's 7wks old) - I was really upset by this, that new child of his has 2parents,grandparents,nephews blah blah blah welcoming her into the world and mine was never rejoiced (all he saw was his mother crying all the time when I should have enjoyed my 1st born with my family around me.

I'm so emotional right now but I'll try and finish, if not, I'll continue later.

Can you also believed that the both times he rang, he held his number and did not offer his number, he just said I should think about him seeing my son and that he would call me another time - soon he said.

He obviously hasn't told his wife what his doing, and there's no way he can hide my son as if he doesn't deserve to be in his family.

Can you imagine this guy wanting to see this boy when his almost 10 and what are they going to discuss? I don't know if I should talk to my son and see what he thinks or keep it till I know what I'm doing (I'm shocked,angry,every emotion I can think of but I still managed to thank God for yesterday but why I don't know) , I just don't want him in his life, only for him to maybe disappear, my son is very mature and grown up but that kind of thing would really break his heart.

I have so much more to say but that's gonna be it for now, before you all get bored of reading such a long winded problem.

Any advice?

I'm so angry at that private no. business, I promised myself not to pick up any private no. calls.

dont tell your son anything NOW.

and tell the guy to let you breath for now till you get yourself and make sure your son has no idea of the issue one bit.

u can tell him when he is much older and manly

Chocky, I must confess, I felt like hitting at something after reading your story. I had tears in my heart also but never meant to make you feel so bad about yourself, I must commend your efforts so far as a single mother.
I must tell you the few truth, as from now henceforth, it will be a tough batttle for you, your pride, your love for your son and your emotions.
A time will come when your son will want to know who his father is, and it is either you tell him that "his dad died in an auto-crash", or you are bound to face the realities of life that a child needs to know his father. It's a pride to him in the midst of his friends.
Secondly, you have to keep your emotions in check without hurting too much of your pride. Let your son's father know that you are in charge and as far as you are concerned he is not ready to see his son because he can't keep keeping his phone number from you.
I don't think your son will be comfortable if you allow him into this. It will cause him serious distractions but it will not be a bad idea if you do so when you cannot handle it again(mind you he will be disturbed when he sees you frown or worried)
Lastly, if you go to church, discuss this with your pastor, and always pray to God about this.
It will be well by God's grace.

Yes, I think I will discuss this with my pastor.

I'm still so angry at the fact that he wants the upper hand. I have no idea when he will call again and leaving me in limbo.

This guy just turned 36 and the rubbish he was spilling just made me realise about stupid things we do when we're young. He even had the nerve to say we on only had sex once (na lie -we were together a couple of months and I was obviously really young so I wasn't too sure about the whole thing so we never got physical too many times.) but his so dumb that he cant think that sometimes thats all it takes.

Thank you guys for your comments but I still need more.

Hi there chocolatte, really feel for you after reading your story. I have a good friend who is also in a similar situation although the father has not contacted her yet and his daughter is 5 years old. I can imagine what will happen when the eventually 'father' turns up.

All i can say is that, its not about you alone and you need to consider your son as well. He will need a father and he will want to meet him at a certain point in time. Like a previous poster said you need time to think, don't make any decisions now.

I also think you should tell your son, you may think he is too young to understand but you may be surprised that he will. Whatever relationship he decides to have with his father let it be him that makes that decision, he is not blind to the fact that he was not part of his life for 10 years.

If this guy really wants to reconnect with his son, you have to let him despite the way you feel. There's a book called Manhood by Steve Biddulph
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0091894816/qid=1135102659/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_11_1/026-1453408-6314028
which discusses the importance of a father/son relationship and how important it is to the son's overall development.

Goodluck

If I'm the guy, and I hide my number from you, it means
1. I want to always be the one to contact you and not the other way.
2. I don't trust you not to try to force yourself into my life because you'll do if you know how to contact me.
3. I have no interest in you, the mother.
4. I want to keep a tab on the boy, I might think of bringing him into the family if he makes something of his life.
5. I don't want anything to threaten the life I have with my new family.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings but that's what will be on my mind if I call you asking all the questions, not telling anything bout myself and not being remorseful for what I made you go through.

Just like mckaycee said, a father that shied way from his responsibilities for more than five years is better dead in an auto crash. You can tell your son the auto crash story until he is old enough to handle the truth. From what you said in your story, it is obvious that this guy has no interest in you and I doubt too, if he has interest in your son, except for the sake of satisfying his curiosity.

He has violated your pride once and will do it over and over again if you give him the opportunity. You have no business talking to him about "our" son. He'll only come around to shake up your emotional balance and that of your son. Put him behind you and move on with your life. Just make sure you make something meaningful out of your life and that of your son so that the guy has no chance to sneer in the future.

However, seek for more advice as the above are just my opinion. I pray that God help you.

Pluto and all, thanks for your thoughts.

Pluto, all the things you've said, I already know, I know those are more than likely why his hiding his no.

you haven's upset me at all, I only want honest opinions and as they say 'at times we have to be cruel to be kind'. I just want people's opinion's and know that I will be the one who has to live with whatever I decide.

I'm glad to hear that I didn't upset you at all. Like you said, only you will live with whatever you end up doing or failed to do. I wish you well in whatever you decide to do and pray that God help you to do what is right.

My darling chocolatte. You're blessed and highly favored and you'll continue to be.
Funny enough, children whether we realise it or not, are strong souls, I think you should tell him and if you're not comfortable with telling him right now pose the question to him.
As for the bloke, you have to make him realise that the ball is in your court, that whole calling and blocking his number isn't happening, of course it's going to take you a long time, I mean a long time to think things through,and you are not to be rushed.

I know right now I'm not in your shoes, and answers not enough. But HE has the answers, so turn to him.

Thnks for all your advice/support but I still didn't sleep a wink last night.

I don't know where to even begin, I wld tell my son but I'm so scared and top it off, I was going to say I have no way to contact him but he just rang again now with a witheld no. as usual.

I told him that he can't be doing that and he explained that he was calling from work and he has no mobile (might be true as he never had none when I 1st met him) and that he cant give me his house no. because of the wife this is really pissing me off. I feel like a fool.

He explained that his told everyone including his wife but that she's very heartbroken blah blah as now their 1st child his not his 1st child but she's willing to deal with it but will take her awhile.

He said he would like to meet up with me to discuss but I said no but if his willing to bring his mother and my family together then maybe we could all talk and sort something out.

I'll wait once again to see when he will call to say when his mother can come to us.

I'm still not going to tell my son till we've all talked and then we or rather I, can sit him down to explain.

Have I decided the right thing?, my Aunt doesn't really want to hear because she just thinks his out of order and she aint interested so we cant really discuss but I think I'll really talk with her this evening.

Wish I could help, but this is clearly beyond my 'capacity'. I'll put it on the home page so others with insight can contribute. Please don't fall apart and don't let any man manipulate you emotionally just because he donated some sperm.

.

U're son gotta know his Dad but not now
he's really gotta know him somtime
when he's much older

@ seun, thanks.

@gbengaijot, thanks also and I hear what you're saying.  His just feeling sorry for himself now and I suppose seeing his daughter now must make him think about my son and what he missed out on -- I think    

I honestly never thought about what I wld do when this came up as I never thought it would but this is hard and I hope no-one ever has to face this.

I am also thinking now about when I meet someone that I would want to settle down with and eventually marry and how they would feel about having this guy around.  I thought it wld be hard enough finding a guy that would accept/love my son without having to deal with a 2nd man in my life (If i decide to allow him into our lifes).

It's really funny but I'm also thinking about how the wife will be feeling now aswell, I'm a woman and I know I won't like such a thing either.

Once again, thanks for all you inputs and sorry I'm going on and on about this but this is really difficult and I 'm just

Oracle, you think

I don't know, I just dont want him to turn around and say I never gave him the chance when I knew his Dad wanted to see him. I could never live withvmyself if my son blames me.

Hmm, your story has touched my heart.  
It sounds the same as a friend of mine.  I would not advise you to tell your son his father has passed away.  If you do this he will resent you when he later discovers the truth.

I think as already advised you should seek your pastor's counsel.

If he has decided to get in touch with your son, it should[b] not [/b] be done in secret.  The boy is not a dirty secret and it's up to[b] him [/b] to sort it out with his family i.e tell them, as i presume his wife does not know. She will undoubtably be hurt but it's down to him for not being honest in the first place.

I believe he has to apologise to you and your family for the shame he put you through (denying his responsibility)  He has a lot to be accountable for, the breakdown of the relationship between you and your family, financial hardship etc.

Take heart and although, at times it may be hard, think of your son first and what u think he will want in the future.  I know u are hurt but let him know that you are no longer that small girl and you will not be manipulated.  Please don't let him call the shots, just do what's right for you and your son.

God bless U both.

I must appologise for now seeing this before now.. I would have contributed my own 2 kobo to the fray, hoping that out of it all, something I may say might make sense..

Chocks..

Firstly, I must tell you one thing that I want you to hold true to your heart and yourself.. NEVER TELL LIES.. to anyone, not to the father of your child, and especially not to your son.. The truth might be a bit hard to swallow, but at least you won't get yourself meshed into a pit you can't get out of..

Secondly, on the issue of him not doing anything until now, and all of a sudden wanting to be in your son's life, and by implication yours as well (as you can't honestly separate your son's life from yours), I advise that you approach with cauction.. Not because you're going to let your emotions sway your thot proccess, but because at times like this cauction is your best watch word.. You don't want to start something you can't handle, and from the tone of your post I can tell the pain still burns deep...

My first sentiment was "Hell No" is this guy going to have anything to do with you and your son, but truthfully, a parent can't be denied from their ofspring.. But then again, there is a time and place for everything.. Don't sow hatred into your son's heart against his dad (though you may not have to, considering the fact that children are very perceptive, and the young man may already have his opinions about the fellow).. If you feel that this isn't the right time for your son to meet his biological father then I advise that you tell the guy (the father) to hold off for now.. I agree with  your decision to allow your families to mediate in this matter, but that only means by implication that you may have to abide by whatever resolutions they reach (which invariably might mean that they may want him to acknowledge his son, and meet him eventually even though you may not be favourably disposed.. )

Thirdly, how did this guy get your number in the first instance??.. Or has he always had it all this time... Just goes to show you his thot process.. I advise that you get another number, which he will not know, and migrate your important contacts to the new number.. As a "just-in-case"... He might actually know your address as well.. You won't know.. To prevent any "accidental" contact with this guy till you're ready to deal with it on your own terms, I'll advise that you keep all your eyes open.. Only be forthcoming about information about yourself when he is ready to do the same.. If his wife is already in the picture, then I guess she won't be adverse to him making himself more known to you.. better that everyone involved has nothing to hide, that people playing mind games with one another..

I gather from your posts that both you and your son's father both live in the UK.. Maybe he's afraid of child support issues.. I don't know and wouldn't like to speculate.. but in the final analysis, you want to ask yourself how much contribution you want him to have in your son's life..  both now, and in the future..

And finally, as regards telling your son.. I guess that you should.. when you feel stong enough to deal with the attendant issues.. but don't put it off as a result of cowardice.. Honesty is the best policy.. And the last person that you should ever lie to is your son.. Children are more perceptive than we all believe..  but they can be quite emotional too.. it's really a delicate issue as you don't want to bias your son against the guy (no matter what his crimes have been in the past) and on the other hand you want to remain objective so that your son will understand what kind of life you've both been through..

I believe I've said enough for now.. Please let us know if we can still contribute more words of advise... Mine may not be the best, but maybe you may discern some few points from it which may be of relevance..

Stay Blessed and Be Good..



Saint.

I have a child out of wedlock. As a guy I can not relate to this guys behaviour... running away from his responsibility. But the initial fear is something no one wants to experience. The questions and all. It is too much for the guy to handle one can only imagine about the woman's own fear. Undergoing the type of problem you did makes it even worse.

You have lived for 10 yrs without his help and support you can live 10 more without him. You've been through the worst nothing can be worse than your experience during his infancy believe me I know.
Your child already feels your pains and by now must know the difference between him and most of his friends. His opinions are already forming. It is left to you and only you at this point to make a decision about him .... wheather you need him or not but there is no need to lie to your son.

Pray about this... Do not let anyone hurry you into any decision, him, your friends, family, pastor e.t.c take your time. Infact if you must agree give it 3 months to allow the first wave of emotion go by.

The question to ask is when is the right time for your son to know, (he must know now or later). You should be 26 yrs know. THe past 10 yrs you've lived it for your child .... do not neglect yourself

Hi,

Seriously when i read this story believe me my adrenaline waspumping because its really annoying when a man comes in claiming paternity at his own free will...Where was he all this while when u were suffering.

Well i'll just add a couple of things because i think alot of advice has already been given. Be careful in whatever u discuss with your son's dad. Make sure u call the shots . If he wants to see his son, he must play according to your rules. Please be careful because as one of the posts pointed out, his actions are planned and i will be shocked if he doesn't intend taking your kid away.

Well whatever u do , please despite the fact u have to keep your kid best interests in mind, remember u are his mother. Always protect him. Your kid's dad has another child so he has nothing to lose .

As well always put everything in Gods hands . He has brought u this far and He will take u further.

Take kare.

What i'm about to say might sound really childish. But i'll say it anyways, as i think it's the right thing to say.

Don't let the father of your son take your child from you. No matter what you do, please keep that child with you. You've taken care of him for 10 years now, and im sure you can do for more and more years. This man can't just pop up one morning to say he wants his child.

I'll leave now and let the adults say wat they have to say. Wish you luck in whatever you do wunmi (i saw ur name on your email address).

Chocolate

Here is the crazy point of view from a mad man. I think that you need to tell that asswipe to pay you all the back child support he owes, and put him on a very strict visitation process, and make sure his guilt tears him up. Now how you tell your son that he has a father after 10yrs is the tough one,kids at that age are very impresionable. But if he already has a Father figure in his life i recommend you treat the biological father strictly as a sperm donor. But i think a child is always a blessing and i am not sure what the Laws are in the UK in terms of child support and custody and all, but if i were u i will go "Rambo" on his behind. I am sorry but u need to remove the sentiments and just look out for yourself and your son and treat him like he is simply a "sperm donor". I would address this from a business point of view and make sure your son is taken care of. He did not do nothing in 10yrs, there is no reason to expect anything now.........So ask that wanksta what he has to offer your kid after 10yrs and depending on what you hear make a decision from there. And by the way when he calls tell him to correspond with you via email...... So you have records.

Hi Chocolate, well done on how far you've come...you've proven that "your life is not over"
As regards your"baby-father" my opinion is don't even bother....not until you are sure he wants to come into your son's life to stay...he cannot breeze in bow because he has suddenly rediscovered his conscience and then leave when the pressures of his family get to him. They say the best predictor of future behaviour is pat behaviour...If he is interested let him proove himself to YOU first and then you can consider the possibilty of introducing him to your son.
As for your son blaming you later....don't worry about that now.Just make your decisions based on what you feel is in his best interests and when he is old enough, give him the facts.
Meanwhile,keep moving on with your life and don't give the a**wipe any headspace-UNTIL he prooves himself!Same goes for his family...they knew he had a son didn't they??
Oh going with kokscity's plan is a good way to establish his seriousness...caring for a child is by no means cheap!!The email-communication is a great idea!

May the ground continue to rise to your feet!

wow chocolatte am just seeing your post and i guess am just as angry as you are. I dont really have much to say cos i know i would have to face the same problem some day. will come back and post later cos this is food for thot for me.

Chocolate, i really do feel your pain and i can only imagine your pain and suffering. In my opinion, i really do think you should put yourself and the baby father aside and think about what's best for your son. Every child in the least, has the right to know and if possible have a relationship with their father , especially as he's a boy. He needs a father figure. I know how hard it is for you but like i said, put emotions aside and do the right thing. Maybe he might even chip in a little bit to help out with child support. I appreciate that your son is now 10 but he is still young so the damage may not be too much. If you ever need a nanny, or a friend, pls get in touch. I'll be more than willing to babysit or be a listening ear.

i'm so sorry you went through all this thing. my advice for you is try to keep your son away from that $SSHOLE, don't let your son see him, if your son grow older and want to see him then he can go ahead but as for now don't pick up his phone call. just pray to God chocolate to tell you what to do.

ComomJorr spoke my mind.
Let truth prevail in your handling of the situation.
What i want to add is that your life is not over. Look at this, I have a niece who had a baby at 16 like you. Father was too young to acknowledge the deed and simply drifted away. Our family took charge and the lady went back to school. 2nd year in the university, she got impregnated again for another student who though acknowledge the baby but had no means of taking care of mother and baby. Because both had to finish school, his parents took in the baby and suddenly the father of the first baby showed up and wanted a secret wedding. Of course, we told both to leave the lady until she gets out of school. We even got her transfered to another University. We later found out that the first father came back only because he discovered the lady has british passport and he was planning to latch on to it to get to UK. We also found out that the second father was into cult and drugs in school. To cut a long story short, my niece is engaged to another respectable man now who is aware of her past and the children are also aware of their fathers. So please do not despair of God's mercy

cholatte,sweetheart, it is well with you my sista. I really dont know what to say than " do not despair".God is with you. Am also trying to learn how to handle that kind of thing. Right now I'll go with cimonjorr and gbagoClark. Will hola at you soon! Peace,my dear!

hi bout ur son i really think u should keep him away from his father at least for now let him be alittle bit older its really going to affect him now i guess with just u he is focused let it remain so.and remember to tell the father that u r in charge no matter what and try ur possible best to keep him away from that boy and stick to that i wish u luck in everything u do may god help u and ur son amen.

Hi all, sorry I’ve been quiet but I’ve had such a busy week with work and now I’m travelling for the xmas holidays with my son. I won’t be on-line for the next couple of days or so but as soon as I’m back, I’ll be able to answer a few of your questions.

I haven’t heard from him again but I’m guessing I will over the xmas in which case I would have sorted out a day to meet him and his family for the discussion. I’ll update you all but please continue to share any advice you feel might be of use and I want to thank everyone that has already contributed

@Ib, I’ll hold you to that.

I want to also PM some people so I’ll do that when I get back also.

Once again, thank you all and stay blessed.

Have a wonderful xmas all.

Wunmi x

Wunmi, i really feel you. Being a single parent for 10 years is a lot of hardwork in all respect - mental, physical, emotions and finances.

Many people have made valuable contributions. Cimonjorr - said it all.

My little advice goes as thus:

Never ever keep your son away from his dad! However,it may not be the best time for him to be in contact with your son as no one really knows his motives, particularly since he has been witholding his number.

I am sure every child wants to know their dad. I have been a widow for almost 4 years and i tell you! My almost 5yr old girl always ever asks for her dad. I used to tell her he had gone to be with Jesus and after a while, she started telling me she wants to be with Jesus as well so she can at least see her dad ( just to point out that every child craves to know their father) Now, i have stopped telling her that he's with Jesus as i wasnt very comfortable with her telling me she also wants to go meet Jesus.

In your own situation, your son's father is alive! At least your son can have a relationship with him even though its a shame that it has taken him a whole 10 years to show up. It is never too late! You have got to forgive him, release him and move on with your life. Its painful i agree, i may not have gone through  a similar pain but at least i can imagine what it seems for the man you once loved  to sudddenly be a beast! Forgive me if this hurts  you, i only made an illustration - not particularly directed at your son's dad.

Try your best to be the best mum you can be to your son! Make him your best friend, get very involved with his everyday life such that he is able to confide in you and tell you everything. Tell him about his dad without him feeling hurt, bitter and biased against him. You have stood for 10 years Wunmi, you've got to keep standing. Be in charge of your life and that on your son's.

Above all, pray at all times. Pray with your son too and teach him the path of Jesus Christ.

I pray that the only wise God will teach you the best decision to take at this time and always. You are blessed and highly favoured.

Hey chocolatte MERRY CHRISTMAS! how have you been? Howz your boy? Hope you guys are cool. Please when you say talk to him and his family, i hope you mean his parents and siblings and not his wife and child. Please stay away from his wife for now if not she will begin to feel insecure and threatened. You know we women,she might think you want to come back into her husbands life and might start been hostile towards you and your kid. What ever discussion it is youre having with him always have family present. Try and sort things out with your people,you need all the support you can get.Its not gonna be easy. Much Later you can get to know her and trike a civil friendship for your sons sake. Because if he later says he wants to be with his daddy(when he's old enough to make the decision),you will have to let him and you have to be sure she wont be mean to him.

Have no fear my friend,God is with you.

Choclatte advice is very easy to give.Am not saying that its bad,our brethren in here are trying thier best.What am saying is that, its only those that were in your shoes know best.I have my own baby too (got married the Igbo tradition stuff-related somehow) i was left alone to train my sweet baby girl.No regrets cos she brought good luck to me.Just look unto God who strenghtens us and keep going. I would like to have your e-mail address.
Note: Tell your baby that the dad travelled out of the country.dont allow him to take away your baby until you have a partner(husband) cos your baby is your happiness for now.Don't regret any past!!!