My niece who is about 15 year's leaves with us and equally go to school. Helps in taking care of our 2 chidren. Each time she serves me food prepared by wife and I tell her thank you after eating, my wife gets upsets.

This happens when I am still sitting on the dinning and she comes to clear the dishes, I simply just tell her thank you. Mind you, I still tell my wife "thanks for the wonderful meal", too.

I have asked her her reason and all she said was that she was only doing her job, that I am not suppose to tell her thank you. Pls, is this even normal cos she is beginning to take it out on the innocent child.

Hmm

Since your wife is petty and won't let go, please stop the thank you sir. No point breeding enmity between them when you won't be there to save the poor girl from your wife's claws.

Thank you

Your wife has issues respecting a human being, she feels cause she cloths, feeds and shelter the girl she is automatically her slave who has to serve her as a reward for her gesture to her.
You need to make your wife understand that all humans deserve to be treated with love and respect irrespective of their status and class.
My opinion thou....

Stop saying thank you to both of them. If your wife complains, tell her it is her job to feed the family.

Atimes creating a real life scenario always drives in the point. Your niece helps your family, a little thank you here and there will not kill anyone.

ifyalways:
Since your wife is petty and won't let go, please stop the thank you sir. No point breeding enmity between them when you won't be there to save the poor girl from your wife's claws.

Thank you

lol.


Spot on.


But some women are just too difficult to understand.

blaise26abj:
Stop saying thank you to both of them. If your wife complains, tell her it is her job to feed the family.

Atimes creating a real life scenario always drives in the point. Your niece helps your family, a little thank you here and there will not kill anyone.

I was going to say something like this.If she complains,the bolded is her answer.

Your wife is petty and does not love people that are below her.

I will just change it for her there and then.. She will tell me whether that's the way her mum brought her up..

The baddoo side of me is saying you should stoop telling both of them thank you , but it would only cause more wahala .

Does she have kids yet ?
Women are more defensive of their territory than we men sef , but we dont know.
Its also an evolutionary and psychological trigger of "My husband is mine and I should get all the good that comes from him alone , including the compliments ". Everyone has this natural instinct,just that some people have learnt to tame it .
Yes she is being petty . And you have to be careful because if it continues she might start taking out the anger on the poor girl .
This thing requires wisdom , you can :
-Wait till your wife leaves there before telling the girl thank you.
-Make hand gestures to say thank you , like thumbs up to her and smirk or smile while doing it .
-Make the "thank you" you say to your wife more elaborate and ceremonial , with plenty "sauce" and "sweet mouth" , her psychology will tell her "at least the thank you he told me was better than her own"

Plenty plenty possible ways , na wisdom and calmness fit solve this matter

OP e be like say you be like me , If I dont tell someone thank you ehn no matter how small what the person did is or how small the person is , my body go dey do me one kind

At this point, all you need is to save your family and marriage.

Since she's still very young, you should stop telling her "thank you" and reward her in another way. One of which include, changing her school to the best or buying clothes for her or making sure she gets same privilege your children gets.


As to your wife, I would recommend that you through negotiation make her understand it's nothing appreciating good deeds even when done by a younger person.


Don't stop appreciating your wife as people are suggesting. Make her feel as the woman in the house which is what you are doing. So keep it up sir.

A lot of frustrated, rude, mannerless people in Nigeria. I'm sorry to say, your wife is one of such. No offence should be taken
What values is she imparting in your kids? Children learn from seeing and observing what their parents do than what you say/tell them.
What's wrong in saying thank you to a fellow human being who clears your dishes? I'm sure the girl in question also says thank you when your wife dishes her food, when you pay her fees or give her money for lunch in school. Why then don't you want your own children to learn proper manners from you? Your wife needs to have a rethink o. A serious one.

ifyalways:
Since your wife is petty and won't let go, please stop the thank you sir. No point breeding enmity between them when you won't be there to save the poor girl from your wife's claws.

Thank you

ifyalways:
Since your wife is petty and won't let go, please stop the thank you sir. No point breeding enmity between them when you won't be there to save the poor girl from your wife's claws.

Thank you

Stop saying thank you to the girl for some time in order to breed peace between you and your wife. she probably had a disadvantaged background which gave her a poverty mentality, maybe she worked as a housegirl when she was younger and so she is jealous of your niece getting "free lunch" you need to take time maybe 3 months to take your wife through counseling and reorientation about life after which she wont have problem saying thank you

but you need to agree to her wish for a season to bring peace. if you don't, the problem will escalate and get out of control. this is how marital problem starts and you become an object of gist and silly advice from people younger than you

Haba. What's there in saying thank you? I say thank you to my six yrs old nephew when the run errand for me. By telling them thank you, the kids picks that habit quick. Thank you, please, I'm sorry, welcome, goodbye and so on. The trader at the street corner after patronizing her I Still add thank you with smile to her.


Let your wify know that you want your children to pick the habit of showing gratitude from the act.

We are talking about your niece here, not some paid domestic worker.

My advice to you is to take your niece back to her parents. You can sponsor her education without having her live with you in the house.

I see my nieces as my daughters. Your nieces and nephews should get exact treatment you give to your children. If you can't give them same treatment, then don't take them in to live with you.

Send her back to her parents and tell your wife to hire a domestic worker. Prepare a contract and get everyone to sign and abide by the rules. Treat family like family, and do business like a proper business.

Your wife lacks simple courtesy.

Doesn't she say thank you in a restaurant when a waiter or waitress brings her the meal because they only do their job?

If your answer is no, then she should be treated like a child who still needs home training and is unfit to raise the future generation. I pity your niece to be stuck with such an uncouth, immature adult in one house for the lack of better opportunity.

Acidosis:
We are talking about your niece here, not some paid domestic worker.

My advice to you is to take your niece back to her parents. You can sponsor her education without having her live with you in the house.

I see my nieces as my daughters. Your nieces and nephews should get exact treatment you give to your children. If you can't give them same treatment, then don't take them in to live with you.

Send her back to her parents and tell your wife to hire a domestic worker. Prepare a contract and get everyone to sign and abide by the rules. Treat family like family, and do business like a proper business.

your response shows the exact issue here. you and most other Nigerians believe that anyone dependent on you in anyway is undeserving of respect, regard and courtesy.

if it was a maid, you would therefore see her /him as a lesser being undeserving of appreciation for work done.

strange that we were colonised by brits and still have this attitude. then again, maybe not. not sure brits had any respect for the natives.

of course, on the flip side, a lot of help/drivers/artisans etal who are shown courtesy and respect see the person as an alakowe mumu

oyb:


your response shows the exact issue here. you and most other Nigerians believe that anyone dependent on you in anyway is undeserving of respect, regard and courtesy.

if it was a maid, you would therefore see her /him as a lesser being undeserving of appreciation for work done.

strange that we were colonised by brits and still have this attitude. then again, maybe not. not sure brits had any respect for the natives.

of course, on the flip side, a lot of help/drivers/artisans etal who are shown courtesy and respect see the person as an alakowe mumu

You got the wrong impression about that statement.

If the wife had warned him about excessive praises to e.g. a paid worker, we both know the thread would have taken a different turn.
In fact, the first thing that will register in our minds is "child abuse" or "cheating". We all know what men do to get what they want. This is why I made that statement.

Meanwhile, that you don't tell people "thank you", doesn't necessarily mean you disregard them or their service.

The world will only kick against a man/woman who maltreats a maid, not one that fails to say "thank you" to a contracted domestic worker.

This is why I strongly recommend treating business the way it should be done. Hire a domestic worker and pay them MONEY, not used clothes, "thank you", food or education.

Acidosis:



You got the wrong impression about that statement.

If the wife had warned him about excessive praises to e.g. a paid worker, we both know the thread would have taken a different turn.

That you don't tell people "thank you", doesn't necessarily mean you disregard them or their service.

The world will only kick against a man/woman who maltreats a maid, not one that fails to say "thank you" to a contracted domestic worker.

If someone offers me a lift, courtesy demands that I say thank you. If I board a danfo, the only thing expected of me is my money.

This is why I strongly recommend treating business the way it should be done. Hire a domestic worker and pay them MONEY, not used clothes, "thank you", food or "education".

you are still showing exactly what i am referring to.

thank you is not payment. it is common courtesy and a token of appreciation.

you think that because you have paid someone to fix your car , it is pointless to say thank you afterwards?
you clearly have no idea how business is done if you think transactions are about payment only.
a simple thank you/appreciation does wonders for business relationships. business, and life does not begin and end with respecting money and nothing else.

oyb:


you are still showing exactly what i am referring to.

thank you is not payment. it is common courtesy and a token of appreciation.

you think that because you have paid someone to fix your car , it is pointless to say thank you afterwards?
you clearly have no idea how business is done if you think transactions are about payment only.
a simple thank you/appreciation does wonders for business relationships. business, and life does not begin and end with respecting money and nothing else.

I understand your views.

But until the world (may be Nigerians) see domestic work as one industry that must be paid with nothing else but money, the world will continue to maltreat these maids.

We are not doing them any good if we continue to admonish people to treat their maids with love, shower them gifts and appreciations.
They are not IDPs.

We need to see them like every other business person (not beggars or destitute). Accept that the major reward is Nigeria's legal tender - Money.

You're talking about 'thank you', a form of business ethics. But here in Nigeria, we are yet to even see domestic work as a business. We have to first see domestic workers as businessmen/women before we begin to talk about your form of "thank you".

The procedure is simple:

1. Hire a maid and agree on payment terms.
2. Indicate the duration of contract and terms of contract termination
3. Pay compensation and other rewards (thank you, etc.) if you're satisfied with work done.
4. If work done is not satisfactory, terminate contract.

If we follow this simple procedure, people will naturally respect domestic workers, same way they respect other formal and informal workers.

Acidosis:



I understand your views.

But until the world (may be Nigerians) see domestic work as one industry that must be paid with nothing else but money, the world will continue to maltreat these maids.

We are not doing them any good if we continue to admonish people to treat their maids with love, shower them gifts and appreciations.
They are not IDPs.

We need to see them like every other business person (not beggars or destitute). Accept that the major reward is Nigeria's legal tender - Money.

You're talking about 'thank you', a form of business ethics. But here in Nigeria, we are yet to even see domestic work as a business. We have to first see domestic workers as businessmen/women before we begin to talk about your form of "thank you".

The procedure is simple:

1. Hire a maid and agree on payment terms.
2. Indicate the duration of contract and terms of contract termination
3. Pay compensation and other rewards (thank you, etc.) if you're satisfied with work done.
4. If work done is not satisfactory, terminate contract.

If we follow this simple procedure, people will naturally respect domestic workers, same way they respect other formal and informal workers.

true that.

the first issue is what we have largely been silent on - the girl and most nigerian domestics are actually victims of trafficking

she is not in anyway an adult and likely has no say whatsoever in the circumstances in which she has found herself.

even if she were a maid proper, her wages would be going to one aunty or uncle [read love-vendor] and not to her.

the first step is to engage only people over 18. of course that is very difficult today, and i am speaking from direct experience. it may have been simpler when i was a kid when a maid left home and did not return for a full year, but today with gsm etal, your maid does two weeks and then says i no dey do again [maybe shes pining for her bf at home who she talks to every night, maybe some issues have come up at home, but it is what it is]

there is also the never ending risk that the maid will hook up with kidnappers / robbers.

and of course nigerians never want to pay full wages [minimum wage is 18k]

so most nigerians go for the 'lesser evil' stealing the life / childhood of some poor unfortunate who they feel they have better control over.

i also realize that we are looking at two different sides

i am looking at it as the wife thinks there is no point in thanking some pauper they are feeding who should be licking the wifes feet every night for being granted the gracious favor of living under a roof

you are looking at the wife being paranoid that the husband is grooming the niece for future sexual relations by paying her compliments

Only a selfish, proud and self-centered person would not say thank you when someone does something for them . There are 3 very important words that a human being SHOULD LEARN TO SAY REGULARLY and they are PLEASE, THANK YOU AND SORRY. I am just trying to imagine what your wife is teaching your children in regards to saying Thank You to those who do things for them irrespective of who they are. Let your wife know that saying thank you when a person does things for you is a form of showing appreciation and it doesn't cost a thing. As someone has already suggested, stop saying thank you to your wife too and see if that goes down well with her . If she gets upset, you simply tell her that after all she said you shouldn't say thank you to your niece when she does things around the house. Make we see who e go pain pass .

1. Please send the poor girl back home and sponsor her from there.

2. Your wife has trust issues and has been brainwashed that men goes for anything under the skirt. She probably likes Nollywood a lot.

3. She's inhumane.

4. If she truly wants your thank you, then stop it. Both to her and the poor girl. In marriage, it's expected to work round the likes nd dislikes of your spouse.

5. Act or otherwise, you would be inept for future bigger marital issues

Acidosis:
We are talking about your niece here, not some paid domestic worker.

My advice to you is to take your niece back to her parents. You can sponsor her education without having her live with you in the house.

I see my nieces as my daughters. Your nieces and nephews should get exact treatment you give to your children. If you can't give them same treatment, then don't take them in to live with you.

Send her back to her parents and tell your wife to hire a domestic worker. Prepare a contract and get everyone to sign and abide by the rules. Treat family like family, and do business like a proper business.

Hmmmmm! Your own immediate family comes first, in fact, i run away from family members a lot(from experience) except for few that I can accomodate. Stay your distance while we assist from afar. I rather have a stranger in my roof than any family member, either mine or that of my husband. Men tends to treat their relations better than their own family a times just to score a cheap point but at the end of the day, your immediate family comes first no mata what. I do not say, he shouldnt say thank you to his niece, but he should watch his posture when saying it because its obvious, madam is the jealous type and jealous people like us always ensure no one shares our husbands attention with us atleast not on a 50/50 level. His wife is jealous probably because of the way he says the 'thank you' as if it is the niece that suffered to make the meal. Even our kids gets jealous of each other a times, how much more our women. The husband should just reassure his wife that he loves and appreciate her more by so doing, she will learn to accept the thank you given to her husbands niece as a show of courtesy and not probably sharing her love, Lol. Just my little opinion though! Women sabi jealous shaaaaa, may God bless our home ooooo amen!

Your wife is selfish, am sorry to say.

The difference between we Africans and white is the ability to say sorry and thank you when it matter most

oyb:


you are still showing exactly what i am referring to.

thank you is not payment. it is common courtesy and a token of appreciation.

you think that because you have paid someone to fix your car , it is pointless to say thank you afterwards?
you clearly have no idea how business is done if you think transactions are about payment only.
a simple thank you/appreciation does wonders for business relationships. business, and life does not begin and end with respecting money and nothing else.

Money seems to trump many things for most Nigerians. I had to give back an item I was supposed to fix and had to lecture the guy on proper courtesy . In his own words, because he felt he was paying he had a right to run his mouth and funny enough I was doing it free of charge. Had to remind him even if he was paying the whole money in the world I wouldn't take disrespectful behavior .

it is a societal issue, go to restaurants and see how waitress are treated. Courtesy should not be based on anything . Everyone no matter what they do or where they are deserve that thank you.

onegig:
Money seems to trump many things for most Nigerians. I had to give back an item I was supposed to fix and had to lecture the guy on proper courtesy . In his own words, because he felt he was paying he had a right to run his mouth and funny enough I was doing it free of charge. Had to remind him even if he was paying the whole money in the world I wouldn't take disrespectful behavior .

it is a societal issue, go to restaurants and see how waitress are treated. Courtesy should not be based on anything . Everyone no matter what they do or where they are deserve that thank you.

You are so right! The sad thing is that, by the time they start having kids, the wife would get worse. Children are quick to pick up different habits, and they learn from what they see, and where they live. Growing up, we had to do chores alongside the maids and other family members. We also had to call them 'uncle' and 'aunty' as a sign of respect, and the fact that there was a maid in the house, was not an excuse for you to abdicate from your own share of the chores.

Seeing others around us treated with respect, dignity and politeness, made it compulsory for us to act the same way around those who worked with us. The result was that those who worked for us, stayed much longer (i.e. one even stayed for almost 10 years, and was given a bulk sum to establish a business on her departure), and offered us better services. Of course, there were a few exceptions to this rule. Some people who did not value good behaviour or manners, were let go very quickly, or found their way out of our place.

The wife needs a re-orientation and a change of her mindset. Courtesy costs little, and helps you get so much at the end, of the day.

laudate:


You are so right! The sad thing is that, by the time they start having kids, the wife would get worse. Children are quick to pick up different habits, and they learn from what they see, and where they live. Growing up, we had to do chores alongside the maids and other family members. We also had to call them 'uncle' and 'aunty' as a sign of respect, and the fact that there was a maid in the house, was not an excuse for you to abdicate from your own share of the chores.

Seeing others around us treated with respect, dignity and politeness, made it compulsory for us to act the same way around those who worked with us. The result was that those who worked for us, stayed much longer (i.e. one even stayed for almost 10 years, and was given a bulk sum to establish a business on her departure), and offered us better services. Of course, there were a few exceptions to this rule. Some people who did not value good behaviour or manners, were let go very quickly, or found their way out of our place.

The wife needs a re-orientation and a change of her mindset. Courtesy costs little, and helps you get so much at the end, of the day.

I laugh when people treat those who prepare their food badly. I am sure most waitresses or maids would have spit into the foods of their owners. You hear stories of maids torturing kids and you think they are just that way ? Nope , the aggression you met on them is definitely passed on to your kids. Her influence is bad on the kids. You don't train kids that way . They catch onto those subtle unspoken actions and we wonder why we see entitled brats all around? They were nutured that way.

No matter how someone looks , they are providing you with a service and you aren't above them . You are both equal stakeholders and both need to be respected .

Useless jealousy and pettiness.,like it will stop her from being your wife .

Just stop doing it cos when you arent around she may take it out on the poor girl.

[s]

ifyalways:
Since your wife is petty and won't let go, please stop the thank you sir. No point breeding enmity between them when you won't be there to save the poor girl from your wife's claws.

Thank you

[/s]

initiate:
Stop saying thank you to the girl for some time in order to breed peace between you and your wife. she probably had a disadvantaged background which gave her a poverty mentality, maybe she worked as a housegirl when she was younger and so she is jealous of your niece getting "free lunch" you need to take time maybe 3 months to take your wife through counseling and reorientation about life after which she wont have problem saying thank you

but you need to agree to her wish for a season to bring peace. if you don't, the problem will escalate and get out of control. this is how marital problem starts and you become an object of gist and silly advice from people younger than you

Donald3d:
The baddoo side of me is saying you should stoop telling both of them thank you , but it would only cause more wahala .

Does she have kids yet ?
Women are more defensive of their territory than we men sef , but we dont know.
Its also an evolutionary and psychological trigger of "My husband is mine and I should get all the good that comes from him alone , including the compliments ". Everyone has this natural instinct,just that some people have learnt to tame it .
Yes she is being petty . And you have to be careful because if it continues she might start taking out the anger on the poor girl .
This thing requires wisdom , you can :
-Wait till your wife leaves there before telling the girl thank you.
-Make hand gestures to say thank you , like thumbs up to her and smirk or smile while doing it .
-Make the "thank you" you say to your wife more elaborate and ceremonial , with plenty "sauce" and "sweet mouth" , her psychology will tell her "at least the thank you he told me was better than her own"

Plenty plenty possible ways , na wisdom and calmness fit solve this matter

OP e be like say you be like me , If I dont tell someone thank you ehn no matter how small what the person did is or how small the person is , my body go dey do me one kind

What manner of advice are these? Why should he stop doing what is appropriate in order to pamper his wife? She sould be learning good manners from him not the other way round.

Dear OP, PLEASE, don't stop showing appreciation to your niece! She is your niece, your blood and not some domestic help!

Your wife should get used to it but DON'T STOP!


Heaven will not fall

LadySarah:
Useless jealousy and pettiness.,like it will stop her from being your wife .

Just stop doing it cos when you arent around she may take it out on the poor girl.

Why should he?


@Second Emboldened: If I were the husband and my wife do the second emboldened, that will be the day she will return to the beautiful house of her father or I will abandon the house for her and leave with my niece/kids (depending on some factors)

blaise26abj:
Stop saying thank you to both of them. If your wife complains, tell her it is her job to feed the family.

Atimes creating a real life scenario always drives in the point. Your niece helps your family, a little thank you here and there will not kill anyone.

Great strategy to make her realize her rudeness towards the little girl.