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Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. - Family (2) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. (4387 Views)

I Cheated-my Marriage Is Falling Apart / In The Light Of D Economic Situation If U Marry Now How Many Children Wil U Have / POF: My Marriage Is About To Be Ruined Becaus Of A Secret I Kept From My Husband (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by greatcrown: 7:16pm On Apr 21, 2018
I believe you are making reasonable amount of money that you shouldn't be starving.

Your husband doesnt seem to understand love so intead of putting things right at home he seems to be bossing you around.

You and your husband shoukd review the family expenses. Cut cost and reduce spending on luxurious goods. (Your apartment now should not be more than 2 bedroom in less expensive area. Car to be used only if the entire family is going out, etc)

The health and well being of every family members should take priority.

The two of you should work on improving the family income.
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by tunjilana: 7:41pm On Apr 21, 2018
To avoid resentment and BP, put everything you guys need into perspective, put pen on paper and draw up a budget containing everything. if your rent is 480k, allot a monthly 40k to it in the budget.

Once done, agree with your husband on a reasonable funding percentage 30:70,40:60 or even 50:50 for now. Then both of you should gradually be thinking of what to do to grow your income as a family, do research on cutting cost and business opportunities you can explore from where you are right now. try to do bulk purchases as well, it is cheaper.

I wont say if u r carrying more burden or not but the only way to prevent resentment and ultimately high bp is to write everything down and agree on how to fund as one(you can have a joint account where everyone puts their agreed amount monthly) and either you or your husband executes the budget items as agreed.

Also forget all those talks about men who can or are willing to carry everything, such men are gradually going extinct, besides in this harsh economy how many of such are left. If you can hold your own and finds a man who can hold his own at all, nothing bad in partnering to deliver a family and raise kids, rather than wait till old age for a man that can and is willing do all. The most important thing is understanding, clarity and visibility over finances and willingness to grow income together.

Regards
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by boyjo: 10:47pm On Apr 21, 2018
Cromagnon:

not if you buy in bulk
once a month or on way from work


farm is the way in nigeria now o
poultry or fish or rabbit or snails or mushroom

Buy bulk? The money is NOT ENOUGH.
She's got THREE KIDS! antenatal fee is on her! Didn't read the husband's response? She's without a dime! E be like say money never do you strong thing before.

She is not a farmer, she wakes up early for a 9-5 job with big belle. Haba.

Do you know choosing to trek when you've got cash is different from choosing to trek because of lack of cash?
She is preggie, going to the market from work may be mentally straining than going on a Saturday because she is forced to due to lack of cash as against having cash!

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by boyjo: 10:55pm On Apr 21, 2018
TheeDetective:
Indeed; but what I meant was that the husband also needs to take a pen and paper and do his analysis of how his 80K salary is spent as well. So even if a particular expense is fixed like rent he should put it on the paper as well as his other expenses too. In that way, both him and his wife's expenses are all written down for the month and then a budget can be drawn up for the month to avoid one party being burden down with more expenses than required.

Oh! Okay.
Cool.
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by boyjo: 11:05pm On Apr 21, 2018
ImaIma1:
Sometimes when a woman assumes some responsibilities in the house and shows that she can handle stuffs, the husband tends to relax and leaves her to keep handling them and even more.

That's the crux of the matter.
That's what's getting me upset about this issue.
It will take God's grace to disentangle yourself.
Some men would begin to divert it to siblings, girlfriends rather than their children etc

Goodkay wake up!

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by boyjo: 11:10pm On Apr 21, 2018
ststyreal:
You are trying my sister I raise hand for you honestly. 80k with all these monthly expenses, how do you expect to save coupled with the harsh economy.

This is why i actually feel like flogging Cromagnon right now angry
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by boyjo: 11:13pm On Apr 21, 2018
tabithababy:
Why did you agree to share responsibilities in the first instance??

Why did you tell him how much you earn??

I don't understand why a woman will collect her hard earned money and use it to feed a man. Are you his mother

Go and look after your health first.. If anything happens.. He won't hesitate to take another wife


My Sisterrrr!!
I think she allowed the propaganda of feminism get to her!
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Nobody: 6:58am On Apr 23, 2018
Na you don start this sharing things from the beginning sad dude is obviously relaxed now. I don't even know what to advise you cos this one he's acting as if na you give yourself belle so.

I can imagine him asking "Them never pay your salary"?? Katikati!

How do you even remember to send money to your people in this Sharing Bills Nigeria Plc!

Have your child and seal up forever biko, our nairaland people have dropped a simple mathematics for the bill sharing. I dey vex sef lipsrsealed

I wish you all the Best kiss

2 Likes

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Pricelessangel0(f): 12:10pm On Apr 23, 2018
To be frankly speaking, what responsible man leave his feeding and that of his children to the wife? angry It shows irresponsible sorry to say, if he doesnt have or low fe cash, its a different issue bt all the time all in the name of splitting responsiblity, Haba! Its nt ok, and if care is not taken he maybe spending on girls outsie.

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Nobody: 10:45pm On Apr 23, 2018
tabithababy:
Why did you agree to share responsibilities in the first instance??

Why did you tell him how much you earn??

I don't understand why a woman will collect her hard earned money and use it to feed a man. Are you his mother

Go and look after your health first.. If anything happens.. He won't hesitate to take another wife

But why won't he leave you with no food and money when you have been showing him you are up to task

You better withdraw now or else you will feed him,your children and yourself all alone till the world ends while he will be using his money to carry olosho cheesy
@Op No marriagr is perfect neither is tour husband or you too.

You sound like a lady with a good heart and am sure your husband isnt a devil too.

Please do not follow this advise as it will take away the peace and joy you currently enjoy in your home.

Discuss these issues with your husband, pray about it too and am sure things will work out for you.

Do not destroy your own home by following these advise.

God will perfect everything.

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by ell77(f): 11:15pm On Apr 23, 2018
GoodKay:
Wow! Im almost 5 years in marriage with 2 kids and expecting a 3rd and i can say its not been an easy journey and especially when money no too dey, e no go easy o. I usually hear ppl make d statement that they wount marry a man that is not comfortable enough to cater for he's wife n kids, I never believed in that statement but believed that if u love, marry and with time things will smoothen out but now e come be like say that statement make sense to me now. I and hubby earn around same amount, about eighty something thousand monthly, he handles rent and stuffs like electricity bills, fueling car, gen, car repair and some others while I take care of feeding for d whole house for d month, provisions for d month, d childrens school snacks, creche fees/assist with school fees, filling gas monthly and other stuff I still fuel sometimes n do elect bills once a while. When I put to bed now, it will be my duty to cater for all d baby's needs, pampers, wipe, clothes, food etc but my complain here is that despite all these, whenever I attempt to mention to my husband that my money is short for feeding I receive all sort of insult that I don't know how to manage money, I'm not helping this family, etc etc. I don't look good because I don't spend a dime from my salary for myself I spend it all on d house and d kids. I was to run a test today as after my last antenatal visit d doctor suggested that, when I told my husband about it and said I didn't have money, he said ehen just tell d doctor there was no money. And now am at home without going for d test after taking excuse at work. Our gas finished last night and stove is bad, my husband has gone to work early this morning leaving me n d kids without any means to cook and no money in my hand all. To feed a family of 4 monthly is not easy. Is there something any advice for me? I've started developing bp issues especially when my salary is finishing as it means feeding money is finishing because I know my husband will just relax and expect that its my duty to find out where to get money. Pls any advice to calm me down? No insults pls

Goodkay - your story saddens me. But the first thing I would like to say is congratulations. Every child from God is a blessing and you are blessed to have your two children and one on the way.

Things are hard now but they will not remain so. I know some people have said you should not have gone for number 3 and you may even feel like that at times but be rest assured this feeling will pass. You have conceived, you will give birth, you will raise your children. What I am most concerned with is your BP. Hypertension is the silent killer, you need to focus on your health as right now you are the backbone of your family from what I can see here. Some men blame others for their own inadequacies (some women also). I don't know your husbands condition and how much he has left after paying the rent and bills so I have no place to judge him. I can only advise you on the information given. Perhaps he is doing his best, perhaps he is not and will come around. Pray for him, pray with him and gently talk to him.

Get help from friends where possible. Then do the following:
1. Buy the famous okrika clothes (also for school uniforms buy a size up and take in at the waste and legs/arms, as they grow the uniform will grow with them - same with other clothes)
2. Spend a minimum amount per meal by eating mostly vegetarian food. Grow your own veg as well, this would make up the bulk of your soups/stews. YOU DON'T NEED A GARDEN, food can be grown in pots and even rice/flour sacks and so on. Please note you may need more pest control though if done inside your home. Ask people coming from the village to bring food for you etc. Use eggs, beans or crayfish for much needed protein for your children and yourself as a pregnant woman in every meal. Most likely you will limit meat, chicken or fish to one meal per day for 6 or less days of the week. Chicken liver is more palatable than beef liver and as well as acting like a multivitamin it provides protein as well.
3. Become the family barber/hairdresser (charge your husband for the service if he will agree).
4. Go to the market at the end when the prices are knocked down due to spoilage and people wanting to go home
5. Don't allow food to waste (reuse/re-purpose) and don't allow it to spoil - eat food that spoils quickly early (or avoid buying it).
6. Treat yourself occasionally, this includes exercise (running/walking) which reduces blood pressure, destresses and makes you more attractive. Exercise is also good for preventing the baby becoming overdue although if at risk of premature labour you may need to take it easy. Take natural remedies for high blood pressure especially hibiscus flower, garlic, watermelon and coconut water.
7. The family should drink only water.
8. Water down washing up liquid
9. Buy a solar lamp especially one with phone charging action if possible and never turn on lights unless guests come.
10. Don't encourage visitors - unless they are the type to help you or bring food (not the chop and clean mouth type)
11. For your baby shower, baptism, birthdays request monetary envelopes or items your children actually need (your best friend could pay for a sack of rice for the celebration of the party for instance, someone else brings chicken, your family member does the cooking etc).

I wish you all the best with your finances and a safe delivery. This baby shall be born, your children shall grow and will help at home more. By God's grace your husband will appreciate all you do eventually. But know that your Father in heaven sees you and also your children will remember all you have done. I remember mine, most people do. Relax and don't worry. When your children are older, it will be easier for you to start a side business also. But you need to live to see that day by dealing with your BP!

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Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Nobody: 3:09pm On Apr 24, 2018
Simpleandsweet:
Hi Goodkay, so u finally get me to comment on nairaland! Phew! You try no be small smiley..ok so here goes..first of all, calm down okay? You will be fine..eventually. .I can't dictate to you how many kids you should have, but I think your load would have been lighter if you postponed having a 3rd baby until your family's finances improved but now that we are here, here's what I think you should do:
1. If you haven't been using a budget, draw up one NOW detailing everything you really need to spend money on and knock off every frivolous expenses.
2. If you have not been saving anything from your salary, please start NOW and in time, you would be able to take care of yourself better.
3. Do you have family or a good friend close by? Let them assist you in whatever way they can so you can get by this weekend at least and run the test today.
4. You will have to sit with your husband and readjust the family 'roaster' of who does what since a new baby is in the mix and so responsibilities have to be reshuffled..If he is in charge of electricity bills, why do you still have to pay them once in a while? Also why does it have to be your duty to take care of everything for the new baby? How did you guys arrive at that decision? And you agreed to it?
5. I have been through some stuff lately myself financially but it has sharpened my managerial skills better such that am able to plan, cook and manage my home on very lean resources and still make fantastic meals and keep my family healthy..This means that you have to be deliberate about how you want to feed your house, stock up on provisions, etc, for the whole month..Develop a plan that suits your family's peculiar needs and stick to it.
6. Woman up! If you let yourself get a high BP, who bears the brunt? Ignore your husband's insults and look up to God for more streams of income and practicalize the few tips I have given you, and I know you would be doing way better in a few months..
Cheers!
Your comment is amazing. I'm your friend now

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Nobody: 4:24pm On Apr 24, 2018
I really appreciate u all. From d dept of my heart I say thanks for all d advice's and encouragements. God bless u all

3 Likes

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Cromagnon: 11:30pm On Apr 25, 2018
boyjo:


This is why i actually feel like flogging Cromagnon right now angry
Conan flog na
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Cromagnon: 11:42pm On Apr 25, 2018
boyjo:


Buy bulk? The money is NOT ENOUGH.
She's got THREE KIDS! antenatal fee is on her! Didn't read the husband's response? She's without a dime! E be like say money never do you strong thing before.
na u mini never do strong tin if not u will know how to manage.if u like be comparing ursef to pipu with fat sslary

She is not a farmer, she wakes up early for a 9-5 job with big belle. Haba.
3 kids
She had 36 months to come up with a plan
she's not ready to feed her chudren
I am in abroad and I am farming in Iwo so what's your excuse
[/quote]
Do you know choosing to trek when you've got cash is different from choosing to trek because of lack of cash?

That's why you cut ur coat according to ur cloth
[quote]
She is preggie, going to the market from work may be mentally straining than going on a Saturday because she is forced to due to lack of cash as against having cash!
why did she marry guyman and not do family planning
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by tonia2k4: 11:31am On Apr 26, 2018
GoodKay:
Thank u all for ur advice's and for taking out time to respond to me. I would have replied one after another but may not have that time. Its actually family planning failure (i mean family planning that failed us) that led me to where I am today as my first just turned 4 and my second is 1. We planned on having d final kid (just 3 kids) ONLY when things get much better. My husband even suggested termination of this one but placed d decision in my hands to decide. Unfortunately, my conscience wouldn't let me do it. I will put all the advice's ive received here on how to manage our finances into good use and also, have a heart to heart talk with hubby concerning the feeding of d household. Thank u all n God bless
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Water101(f): 12:52pm On Apr 26, 2018
I know a family that are not earning even close to what u and ur hubby earn and are living fine.are u a christian,'contentment ' is gain.this family live in rum n parlor,put their children in a school that they pay less than #10,000,don't own a car and their aspiring to have their own house,they rather choose to pay 50k 4 a while than pay 120-150k, u and ur hubby need to let go of wordly standard of living.must u enjoy all d comfort that life has to offer?cut down cost! Have u ask urself how a family living by d 18 thousand minimum wage live,alot of pple wish earnestly to be in ur shoes.ur husband in my view 2ru wat u wrote is nt godly n doesn't lv u,instead of being a source of encouragement he is even tellin u to get rid of a gift do u knw hw many pple are lukin 4 jst 1.Start trusting God 4rm 2day,draw to his word n learn.both of u welcome jesus into ur lyf cast ur burden to him alone.
GoodKay:
Thank u all for ur advice's and for taking out time to respond to me.

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Touchme222(f): 2:57pm On Apr 26, 2018
Imgaine if they come they pay tithe join. LOL pay ur tithe o!at least u r privedge enough..
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Alennsar(f): 8:50pm On Apr 26, 2018
ImaIma1:
Sometimes when a woman assumes some responsibilities in the house and shows that she can handle stuffs, the husband tends to relax and leaves her to keep handling them and even more.



as if you're reading my mind. how can I as a woman take that much responsibility for what? is he jobless or am earning more than him? please don't forget your own place in dat house cos if you're not working at all he should be the one to cater for you and your children. God forbid if you loose your job what will he do abeg.


take good care of yourself and your children first. save some love and money for yourself. let him know is responsibility as father and a husband too. before things get out of hand........ m speaking from experience I pray God bless your home and strengthen you as well.

Cc Goodkay

2 Likes

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Iamsane: 10:49am On Apr 28, 2018
GoodKay:
Wow! Im almost 5 years in marriage with 2 kids and expecting a 3rd and i can say its not been an easy journey and especially when money no too dey, e no go easy o. I usually hear ppl make d statement that they wount marry a man that is not comfortable enough to cater for he's wife n kids, I never believed in that statement but believed that if u love, marry and with time things will smoothen out but now e come be like say that statement make sense to me now. I and hubby earn around same amount, about eighty something thousand monthly, he handles rent and stuffs like electricity bills, fueling car, gen, car repair and some others while I take care of feeding for d whole house for d month, provisions for d month, d childrens school snacks, creche fees/assist with school fees, filling gas monthly and other stuff I still fuel sometimes n do elect bills once a while. When I put to bed now, it will be my duty to cater for all d baby's needs, pampers, wipe, clothes, food etc but my complain here is that despite all these, whenever I attempt to mention to my husband that my money is short for feeding I receive all sort of insult that I don't know how to manage money, I'm not helping this family, etc etc. I don't look good because I don't spend a dime from my salary for myself I spend it all on d house and d kids. I was to run a test today as after my last antenatal visit d doctor suggested that, when I told my husband about it and said I didn't have money, he said ehen just tell d doctor there was no money. And now am at home without going for d test after taking excuse at work. Our gas finished last night and stove is bad, my husband has gone to work early this morning leaving me n d kids without any means to cook and no money in my hand all. To feed a family of 4 monthly is not easy. Is there something any advice for me? I've started developing bp issues especially when my salary is finishing as it means feeding money is finishing because I know my husband will just relax and expect that its my duty to find out where to get money. Pls any advice to calm me down? No insults pls


This is what happens when women fight for equality with men. When we told you people that each has his/her roles and responsibilities in the home, society and all. You called us names.

You as a woman, the money you earn is yours and yours to spend. There should never be sharing of responsibility of the ones you mentioned above.


I don't even know what to say...
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Iamsane: 11:00am On Apr 28, 2018
boyjo:


My Sisterrrr!!
I think she allowed the propaganda of feminism get to her!

At last person wey get sense...

Men and women are equal.... Anything a man can do, woman can do better... And now they are fighting for job with men... Is okay.. Let me ṣee how they won't share responsibilities.
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Iamsane: 11:27am On Apr 28, 2018
Alennsar:




as if you're reading my mind. how can I as a woman take that much responsibility for what? is he jobless or am earning more than him? please don't forget your own place in dat house cos if you're not working at all he should be the one to cater for you and your children. God forbid if you loose your job what will he do abeg.


take good care of yourself and your children first. save some love and money for yourself. let him know is responsibility as father and a husband too. before things get out of hand........ m speaking from experience I pray God bless your home and strengthen you as well.

Cc Goodkay

You are a Muslim woman. Islam has taught you what your roles and responsibilities are.
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by baby124: 1:05pm On Apr 28, 2018
My dear, do not listen to people that are saying you should not contribute to your home please. You should. I grew up with my own mother playing her own role and paying for things in the home. So did my father. I also do the same. It is your home so you must contribute. What if God forbid your husband is not there tomorrow, will you not manage yourself and your home? My only concern however is the way you people share expenses, it should be reviewed. Instead of paying crèche fees try to find a mother/ mother in law that is not working to come and take care of the two little kids.

Try to be more creative with your cooking. When you buy food stuff make sure that you can get different types of meals from it. Make sure you draw a meal plan for your family each week and budget according to the meal plan. Make sure you buy the non perishables in bulk like rice, beans, garri and amala. Your husband cannot take care of the rent alone. Let him take care of the rent, car and school fees for the older child as well as fuel. Then you take care of food, clothes and other bills as well as ensuring that whoever comes to help you is comfortable.

I think you can achieve your aim of managing your finances better and even having savings. So don’t worry. Everything will eventually work out.

2 Likes

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by tabithababy(f): 1:49pm On Apr 28, 2018
Imagine someone here is saying op should use her money to buy foodstuffs and the husband will eat out of it shocked

Shameless man cheesy
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by tunjilana: 2:14pm On Apr 28, 2018
tabithababy:
Imagine someone here is saying op should use her money to buy foodstuffs and the husband will eat out of it shocked

Shameless man cheesy
There is no shame in a woman supporting her own family with her own resources...I dont think advising her not to support her family is good advise...Also note that food is not the only thing that keeps a family going, there r bigger bills than food and no harm in a woman buying food if that is what her capacity can carry....The real issue here is that the woman is carrying so much weight nd her health is not prioritized!!!...A caring husband should ensure that beyond all things, her health is assured ....That should even b d first thing to address....They need to draw up a budget and factor in their mutual income, define a lifestyle that ensures the important things( like her health) is not left out and gradually explore business opportunities that will help improve their standard of living....You may b shocked that even the husband might b feeling weighed down with rent, school fees, car maintenance and other utilities....they need serious discussion and itemization of all expenses, that way it is clear where their money is going into and they can easily decide what to cut or take out...If u say she shouldnt contribute is it the husband's 80k that will take them anywhere or u feel she should have waited for a man that can pay all bills while she ages in her father's house when she could work and support and gradually grow together!....pls drop dis mentality

1 Like

Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Alennsar(f): 4:14pm On Apr 28, 2018
Iamsane:


You are a Muslim woman. Islam has taught you what your roles and responsibilities are.

I feel like crying for her when I read the test part.
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by Iamsane: 9:44am On Apr 29, 2018
Alennsar:


I feel like crying for her when I read the test part.

Same here.. And there are many women going through same or more hurt out there.
Re: Marriage Is Not An Easy Journey Only Read If U Have Time. by SAMBARRY: 10:16am On Apr 29, 2018
Smh.what's THE difference between you and a single mother really.your husband is emotionally and financially unavailable except when he WANTS to fok or get you pregnant,while the rest of the outcome is your problem.

ARE you seeing the handwriting on the wall at all?

Everything is almost coming to a halt to the extent that after pouring and pouring out everything your own tank is almost empty.the English language of what I'm saying is called "parasitic relationship".your feelings,needs and even wants and looks have become secondary at the expense of carrying a burden meant for 2 people.I know such men and I see them around

The surprising thing is that the are the ones always obsessed about their looks.they CAN wear 3 piece suit to work,use designer perfume or cologne and change shoes and phones almost every 3 months but when you see their wife you will see stress,hidden and suppresed pain stamped all over their face.they're not even conversant with their own bodies and appearance talk less of their external environment and social happenings because they married a faworaja.pele dear

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