As you reflect on your newfound singledom, here are a few things to keep in mind.

When I used to get dumped, I had a habit of clinging to my ex-boyfriends’ oversized sweaters, hoping they’d materialize into the people I once loved.

As my eyes sagged like sad hammocks from under the sweatshirt’s hood, my well-meaning circle of friends buzzed with advice.

“Get bangs, but don’t do them yourself.”

“Open an Etsy shop.”

“Change your identity and move to a foreign country

While my bone structure is in no way conducive to bangs, and I have no remarkable crocheting skills to profit from, I found comfort in being productive. Whether I was doing something radical or small, just doing something seemed more appealing than spiraling. Rather than sulking, I learned to turn my post-breakup slumps into easy excuses to better myself and do the things I never had time for. I could finally learn to enjoy my own company, either by getting to know myself better or growing into a version of myself I preferred.
Pop culture has trained us to think of breakups as excuses to binge on ice cream in the dark for a month. But that doesn’t help anyone. So as you reflect on your newfound singledom, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Validate your suffering
Immediately booking a flight to Cancun isn’t necessarily a suitable plan for everyone. Grieving takes time. It’s not a sign of weakness, but rather an essential step toward accepting change.

“What I’ve found sticks with people seeking to be less preoccupied with something that was once very important to them is intentional grieving,” said Amanda Luterman, a clinical psychotherapist specializing in sexuality.

“Consciously choose to remember why it hurts to no longer be in the relationship, and validate the suffering,” she said, adding that it’s helpful to think of your former relationship as a part of what makes you who you are.

Intentional grieving is a skill you can learn, just like any other.

To start, think of five memories in which you genuinely felt happy with the person. Don’t discredit them. Honor your having chosen the person, force a smile and leave happy memories as positive.

“Those memories have not disappeared with your relationship status,” Ms. Luterman said. “You deserve to continue to value them. You look attractive in that photo, you did go zip-lining, your costumes actually were amazing, your bravery that day was due to each other, your meals really were delicious, your laughing was real.”

Playing the role of a partner or a spouse is a significant chunk of a person’s identity and that’s O.K. — but it means much of our suffering is tied to our inability to operate outside of that frame. A breakup presents an opportunity to finally learn to accept yourself on your own.

“What’s common is for people to believe that if they were ‘more’ — a better person, more attractive, more successful, sexier, funnier or simply a more lovable human being — their partner would have loved them enough and it would have been a good relationship,” said Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love.

Channel negative energy
Taking care of oneself looks different for everyone, so listen to your needs. Think of picking up a hobby without having any immediate expectations, or tackling a project you’ve been putting off for years without putting the pressure of completion on yourself.

“Being happy as a person on your own sets the groundwork for being the best you in other relationships, including romantic and platonic relationships,” said Dr. Michele Kerulis, counseling professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

“When people decide what happens in advance, it can be upsetting and anxiety provoking when it doesn’t pan out,” Dr. Bobby said.

Center your recovery on yourself. Bad-mouthing your ex might feel cathartic, but it’s not going to help you heal in the long run. Instead, Dr. Bobby suggests alternate outlets like exercising or writing. Finding a physiological release through experiential activities helps make sense of confusing emotions like anger, grief and guilt.

If that sounds a little too abstract, it’s not: Our limbic brain system that feels emotions is unable to distinguish between things we’re thinking about and experiencing in reality, according to Dr. Bobby.

And then there’s the “post-breakup bod,” touted among celebrities as the ultimate revenge. But there’s truth to exercise’s healing properties.

“When stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are dumped into our bloodstream our hearts pound, our muscles tense, we’re sweaty and hyper-focused on the threatening thoughts we’re indulging,” Dr. Bobby said, adding that our feelings of anger or pain can translate to physiological pain and push us into a state of elevation akin to a “fight or flight response.”

Devise a plan
Rein in your impulses to re-enact Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” video — now it’s time to restructure your life as a single person.

At the beginning of your breakup, document your emotions during your most vulnerable moments. Six months later, evaluate your growth, Dr. Bobby suggests. Take comfort in your control of your emotions. You have the power to steer yourself in the right direction.

“Time alone does not heal,” Dr. Bobby said. “It is an active, intentional process.”

Depending on your level of anxiety, you might need more near-term guidance. Ms. Luterman suggests thinking in blocks of seven days at a time so as not to do something you’ll likely regret later.

“Anticipate and discuss challenging moments like running into your ex or explaining the end of the relationship to prepare and cope with difficult feelings as they arise,” she said.

When confronted with the dreaded “What happened?” question at events, Dr. Kerulis suggests preparing a statement to deflect the topic. Try: “It just wasn’t working out and we have gone our separate ways,” or, “Yeah, we’re not together anymore and I’m bummed about it. But tonight I want to focus on fun and positive things.” Then transition into talking about all the fun things you’ve been up to in your new single lifestyle.

Still, don’t fall into the trap of deluding yourself into believing that nothing tragic happened to you — it did, and it will be unpleasant. So acknowledge the psychological distress and suffering that the end of a relationship can spark.

“Someone out there is walking around unsupervised with all this information about you at your recent worst,” Ms. Luterman said. That’s “terrifying. Your symptomatic history of being bullied, talked about behind your back, mocked and excluded is back in full swing,” she said.

Time to start again?
If you’re no longer sobbing at the sound of your shared songs and feel the urge to go out, you might be ready to reactivate your dating app account. “Do a gut check with yourself,” said Vikki S. Ziegler, family law lawyer and star of two seasons of Bravo TV’s “Untying the Knot.” But if those shared songs inspire you to send a 2 a.m. “u up?” text, have a trusted friend vet it first.

Should getting back together be something you’re considering, Dr. Bobby recommends asking yourself these crucial questions: Are they open to making changes? Are there things you can change? Are they open to couples therapy?

She added that, particularly for couples with a long history and children, “if you’re both actively working on it and if over the period of three months it feels different and gives you hope, that’s a great indication it’s worth another shot.”

Link: https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/06/19/smarter-living/turning-a-breakup-into-a-positive-experience.html?partner=rss&emc=rss&smid=tw-nytimes&smtyp=cur