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5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman - Romance - Nairaland

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5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by RelationshipG: 2:45am On Sep 14, 2018
Here are the five biggest things that I had to overcome in order to find my dream woman.

1. Fear of being seen

In my six years of being emotionally closed I learned to construct a highly convincing mask that most people couldn’t see through. I became funny, charming, charismatic, and was always ‘on’ when I was around people.

I avoided people who had the intuitive power to really see me and the suffering that I was experiencing internally. For me, allowing others to see me as a struggling, vulnerable person was a huge challenge.

One of the greatest things that I did to overcome this roadblock was to start posting articles with more of myself in them (more of my stories and experiences as opposed to simply ‘tips and tricks’ articles) and spending more time with close friends who saw and expected me to be my authentic self around them. To draw an analogy, if I was an iceberg that had previously only shown 3% of its mass above the water line, I moved the water line down so that closer to 20% of me was showing above the water. I don’t believe that 100% of the iceberg ever has to be shown above the water line because, as researcher Brene Brown has shown, not everyone that you cross paths with in your life will be deserving of knowing your fully authentic self. Only certain people deserve to know the real you while others can see and understand a more surface version.

2. Inability to receive love 

It is much easier (in my opinion) to give love than it is to receive it. This is because there is more certainty in giving than there is in receiving.

Receiving love brings up all of our issues surrounding worthiness, vulnerability, guilt, and shame that may have been layered on to us in our early childhood or through past traumatic relationship experiences.

It’s much easier (and less anxiety-producing) to give love than to receive it because when we start to allow ourselves to receive love we may start to fear that the love we are receiving could be pulled away from us at any time. Which would then feel like a rejection. Which could then trigger our feelings of “See… I knew I wasn’t worthy enough of love to begin with. Why did I even bother trying?”

To overcome my inability to receive love I did weekly sessions with a self-love coach. While you think that I might have been able to work through this on my own (being a relationship coach myself) I am a person just like you and, just like you, I can’t see my own blind spots. This was a necessary step in my emotional process. Having someone externally be able to point out the flawed logic in my emotional thinking was absolutely critical towards my growth. If you think that you might be spinning your wheels in the mud as well, I can’t recommend reaching out enough.

I’m always here to chat if you need an outsider’s perspective.

3. Fear of rejection

I dated women that were safe for the vast majority of the six years I was emotionally closed. What does that mean exactly? It means that I dated women that rarely challenged me or stood up to me. They didn’t have solid personal boundaries.

I dated women that were safe because it meant that I would be able to stay closed off and keep my romantic partners at an emotional arms distance.

In order to find my dream woman, I had to let go of this habit that I knew wasn’t serving me.

4. Playing small

Not only was I playing small in my love life (by dating women that were safe) but I was also playing small throughout my entire life.

I stayed inside of my comfort zone in all matters. I didn’t go to the gym too frequently because I didn’t want to become one of those guys that was overly strong. I didn’t push my comfort zone in my business because I didn’t want to hear what the critics would have to say about me. I didn’t want to leave my hometown for extended periods of time because of other fear-based rationalizations.

In short, my ego would flare up and I would let it win.

Then one day (near the beginning of the calendar year) I decided that enough was enough. I decided to face all of my emotional demons, get the help that I knew I needed, and start playing bigger throughout my entire life.

And before long, I met the woman that I knew I could spend forever with.

5. Fear of big feelings

One of the overarching things that I was avoiding was the fear of big feelings.

What do I mean by big feelings? Well, in my previous years of emotional closure, I convinced myself that I needed to live within a smaller range of emotions. Because the pain from my old break up was so overwhelmingly huge I wanted to numb out the big, scary emotions like those. But we can’t selectively numb emotions. If you numb the lows you also numb the highs. And that’s exactly what happened.

When I first met my significant other and true love was offered to me, everything that was unlike love inside of me was brought to the surface. I went through a hellacious month of emotional processing. There were days where I felt like I was possessed. It was as if all of the grief, shame, and sadness were ripped out of my body.

When this happened, I had two options on how to deal with it. I could have said “Uh-oh… incoming BIG emotions! I should dodge these by numbing myself!”… or I could face the emotions head on and feel the poo out of them. I decided on the second option. So, while it was the furthest thing from being easy, it was an absolutely necessary step in my process towards finding my love.

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Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by RelationshipG: 2:49am On Sep 14, 2018
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Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by scantee(m): 5:53pm On Sep 15, 2018
Oboy After 10yrs of being a member of NL'd..finally I made it to FTC.

Lol I dedicate this to FC Barcelona fans for our had faught victory today.

Is not an easy task to beat R.Sociedad @New Anoeta.


#Proudly Barca #

46 Likes 1 Share

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by soberdrunk(m): 5:53pm On Sep 15, 2018
Nowadays to find your dream woman all you have to do is either sleep and dream or MAKE MONEY!!!(lots of it) angry

64 Likes 6 Shares

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Miracle4Sure: 5:54pm On Sep 15, 2018
cheesy
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Rutheby(f): 5:55pm On Sep 15, 2018
You're learning how to overcome them or you've overcame already. Which?

2 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by legibow: 5:55pm On Sep 15, 2018
What worked for you won't work for another so.... Thank you for dropping by....

10 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by fvck(m): 5:55pm On Sep 15, 2018
Ok

1 Like

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Titugirl(f): 5:55pm On Sep 15, 2018
Congratulations
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by mubaking: 5:56pm On Sep 15, 2018
h
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by latonyn(m): 5:56pm On Sep 15, 2018
And front page already
SMH
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Lordbooster(m): 5:57pm On Sep 15, 2018
cool cool cool...anyways for some 18+ naija content check on our signature if you down for it
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by oshe11: 5:57pm On Sep 15, 2018
I didnt see "Being Poor"

2 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by GentleMoney: 5:59pm On Sep 15, 2018
Congrats..
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Newboss(m): 5:59pm On Sep 15, 2018
Keep quiet bros. angry

Last last you go still come here to scream hoe angry

Dream woman ni, vision woman ko angry

13 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by franchasng(m): 5:59pm On Sep 15, 2018
soberdrunk:
Nowadays to find your dream woman all you have to do is either sleep and dream or MAKE MONEY!!!(lots of it) angry
Money is the only quality any man needs to get the girl of his dream.

Majority if not all guys want: not-too-slim, flat tummy, averagely big ass, average sized firm boobs, smiling face and straight legs.

This is the quality virtually every guy out there craves to have as physical quality of his dream woman.

Then good manner, humility, good character and good family background can then follow.

Others may add good academic background, intelligence, financially independent or from rich family....

Some guys may add international citizenship to their own sought after quality in a dream girl...

Now when virtually all guys want this same qualities, it makes the few ladies that have quarter of the qualities to become scarce commodity every guy wants to buy and this leads to increase in their price tag as they see different calibre of men coming after them, of course they will increase their demand or the qualities they want in a man too, and most times, its all about money.

So for any guy who wants to date or marry his dream woman , go and make money and u will have so many dream women to select.

Forget married men o, I can authoritatively tell u that 90% of Nigerian married men didn't marry their dream woman. Most married the opposite of the kind of woman they desired initially mostly due to financial issues, ladies iyanga, harsh economy, tribalism, religious discrimination and what have u undecided

Don't mind some married men who scream I love my wife or act like their wife was their dream woman, it is all a cover up because majority of Nigerian married men didn't marry their dream women, they married the available woman when the desired woman is not available cry

Only very few Nigerian married men married their dream woman, and they are:

1. Men who came from rich family background

2. Men who became financially successful at young age

3. Guys who were lucky to travel out of Nigeria while young and made it financially on time on their own and not through marrying some old ladies to make it abroadcry

38 Likes 5 Shares

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by uthlaw(m): 6:00pm On Sep 15, 2018
scantee:
Oboy After 10yrs of being a member of NL'd..finally I made it to FTC.

Lol I dedicate this to FC Barcelona fans for our had faught victory today.

Is not an easy task to beat R.Sociedad @New Anoeta.


#Proudly Barca #
I love Barcelona.

6 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by XTHRONE(m): 6:00pm On Sep 15, 2018
Good women are hard to find these days.all we got is slay Mama's, slay Queens, single mothers that want you to carry thier stupid loads. Gosh . The world is finished.

4 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by scantee(m): 6:01pm On Sep 15, 2018
uthlaw:
I love Barcelona.

Good one bro

2 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by HolyClement001(m): 6:02pm On Sep 15, 2018
bro go make money
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by itiswellandwell: 6:02pm On Sep 15, 2018
Nice point though. Can't work for me cos I don't have time for dream woman self reevaluation section.

1 Like

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by shox(m): 6:02pm On Sep 15, 2018
All these stress because I Wan find woman?
na WA o undecided
Me I dey jejely login into my instachat account and find the speck wey i Want but its not free sha, it depends on ur negotiating power grin grin grin

2 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by anambraamaka: 6:03pm On Sep 15, 2018
K[b][/b]
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Nobody: 6:03pm On Sep 15, 2018
jefff455:

1. Please post all threads in the right section, and don't derail threads by posting off topic..
Message :
Submit Follow this topic
are you normal?
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by rawtouch: 6:06pm On Sep 15, 2018
okies
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by otherway: 6:07pm On Sep 15, 2018
There is nothing like dream woman but it is what we make out of the reality we settle for.

5 Likes

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by jaxxy(m): 6:07pm On Sep 15, 2018
U had to work on being a better version of u. I guess that’s what Ure trying to say??

1 Like

Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Kudducini(m): 6:09pm On Sep 15, 2018
uthlaw:
I love Barcelona.




FORCA_Barca



and thanks to this Man

MAC STEGEN
Re: 5 Things I Had To Overcome To Find My Dream Woman by Nobody: 6:09pm On Sep 15, 2018
undecided



So people still believes in LOVE?



WAWU

3 Likes

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