I am American lady. My husband is from West Africa. Does anyone know why he cannot tell me that he misses me, when he hasn't seen me for weeks at a time? He says it is cultural.
THANK YOU FOR THE RESPONSES!
******I am seriously  thinking of divorcing him. He admits to not having a very strong bond to me or anyone.  When I complain about him, he always tells me that he is "not going to try to hold me, if I want to leave him, " Then in the next breath, he says let's try to improve things, or go to marriage counseling. He has told me that he doesn't really have the deep feelings for me or any female, except some African girl when he was 13 years old! He told me this after 4 years of being married, 6 years of being together, and having two children together! He says something is missing from his emotional self, and that maybe the counselor will help him. He blames this lack of bond/connection to other people on the fact that his father had 3 wives and 20 kids, so he never developed a bond to them, and consequently to no females either. They sent him to live in village, blah, blah, blah. He described himself as "running around the house like a dog" because he had little care with all those wives/children running around. I feel sorry for him that that happened, but I deserve better. I really do love him, but I get little/no emotion in return. I have tried being affection with him, thinking that he would warm up--NOTHING CHANGED! He doesn't seem to need love/affection. He probably doesn't miss me. But, like I said, he always turns around and tries to keep me with saying something about let's improve, blah blah. The most important thing to him in marriage is respect, he says if you have that you can get love as a result of the respect. Once he was gone for a month, and when he got in the car, he hugged our daughter, and didn't even touch me. !!!!!!! I was shocked. He doesn't like public affection, of course. He sometimes tells me he loves me, when he knows that I am mad or when we are not getting along. He has been in Africa for 6 weeks now. When we were dating he was not like this, he was more romantic. He says it cannot be like when we first met. He got his green card in November 2005. I don't think he married me for green card, we have two kids, and as I said I asked him to get the HE## out, and quit wasting my time with his lack of affection, etc. He won't go. By the way, he thinks he has to control everything. He doesn't control what I do, but he doesn't even like me to ask him questions about business he does, he is paranoid about a woman controlling him. Also, he said a lot of girls used to like him in high school in Africa, he didn't know which one to choose because he didn't want to hurt their feelings. He says in his country they tell the boys, why kill yourself for one woman, when you have a thousand waiting for you. I haven't seen any thousand women knocking on our door! But his ex-girlfriend did call his cell phone, while I was sitting beside him. He tells too many lies(and says he is just trying to prevent an argument!).

bigbooty:

I am American lady. My husband is from West Africa. Does anyone know why he cannot tell me that he misses me, when he hasn't seen me for weeks at a time? He says it is cultural. I don't know what the heck that means. Unless, he thinks he is too macho to say it. He says it to our children on the phone though. Maybe he doesn't miss me?

God save us from unromantic men who use "culture" to excuse their inability to add spice into their relationships.

before all this macho men come in here and start yapping about

we clothe you

feed you


take care of you and your children is that not enough?


@ topic simple and short your man is not romantic enough, a man saying or showing to his loved one that he misses/missed her , does not take anything away from him , it does not make him less of a man .


would rather hang with an emotional man than a spineless macho man

@topic

Maybe he doesn't miss you.You don't have to be romantic to tell someone you miss them if you really do

poor you though, you seem to be stuck with a fella who doesnt love you. I re-read your story, he says he misses the kids but doesnt say the same to you? Its more than likely he doesnt even notice you exist.

I think that just who he is. You should bear with him. That he doesn't say he misses u doesnt mean he doesnt love you.
But i dont thik he should coverup with culture. culture aint got sh#t to do with expressing feelings.

I think that just who he is. You should bear with him. That he doesn't say he misses u doesnt mean he doesnt love you.
But i dont thik he should coverup with culture. culture aint got sh#t to do with expressing feelings.

@ Chukycho
you're so right!

Chukycho.:

I think that just who he is. You should bear with him. That he doesn't say he misses u doesnt mean he doesnt love you.

Some just don't have it in them. Thats why the word "unromantic" exists, to describe the ones like your man.
But before concluding if he really misses you or not, try look into the other "little" things he does. Does he show you in other ways that he loves you and wants to be with you?? If yes, well dear you might just have to ive with it, no one is perfect and atimes, as sad as it sounds we can't have it all

But i don't thik he should coverup with culture. culture aint got sh#t to do with expressing feelings.

Well there have been threads on stereotypes of "african/nigerian men not being romantic" I guess that's his umbrella,
But after living for a while in the states, he should be wiser than that. I wonder what he'd be saying if he was still living in Africa?? Guess he's one of those "a leopard never changes its spots" Sad!!!

Atimes, its not just culture, its the ignorant principles they abide by, I know i've come across aome here on nairaland, at least one thats says he leaves the "i miss you", "i love you" and all the rest to his woman, so she doesn't ride him like a horse. How pathetic *sighs*

Wow. thats absurd. IT's not a "Cultural" wht kind of nonsense is that. Some african men try to hide their emotions. They are taugh tnot to cry even if there relative dies. Maybe that's what he means. This is a different situtaion. you are married and have kids with this man. He is supposed to show you some affection, even if it's little. For him to be far from you that long, he should have missed you if for nothing else.

Do not be so depressed about this. He will come around. You need to talk to him, tell him how you feel. Tell him that you need to be shown some affection.

@ bigbooty

BTW do you tell him you miss him??

If yes . . What's his reply?? Does he go off changing the subject??


If yes . . call back his attention and say something like "hey i just told you i missed you, i was execting some "i miss you too" my way"

Or after he's told the kids he misses them try saying "don't you miss mummy too?"

Don't be too persuasive or harsh, do it softly, gently and lovingly, sooner or later he'll say to himself "WTH" and come down his high horse. If he really believes thats what his culture demands of him, then he needs time to let it go. I'm sure he's been like that all his life and thats not a short time. But with the right attitude, he might just snap out of it

@topic,
Maybe he honestly doesn't miss you, ,
You need to maybe find yourself a new husband,,,(just my suggestion, and my mouth isn't the Holy Bible)

neelsel:

@topic,
Maybe he honestly doesn't miss you, ,
You need to maybe find yourself a new husband,,,(just my suggestion, and my mouth isn't the Holy Bible)

Girl you are so mean what kind of advice is thatttttttttt

Omo Eko:

Girl you are so mean what kind of advice is thatttttttttt

How can a husband be unable to do such a simple thing? Did he behave differently before the marriage?

Seun:

How can a husband be unable to do such a simple thing?

Re-read her post, its been taken to the next level

Seun:

Did he behave differently before the marriage?

exactly the question i was about to ask, if he was like that in the beginning, Cos it sounds like he's always been like that, why going into a relationship with him in the first place and then having two kids??

At the end of the day, the innocent kids pay the "prize"

baby gal,

So sorry for your pain. I dont think its a naija thing. There are men in naija here who show emotions, love and miss their wives. Where in devil's name did he come up with such CULTURE. Your husband am afraid is a very sad person. He did not get a lot of love growing up hence he cannot give nor receive love which he knows absolutely nothing about.

Call me a story teller or not, i dated a guy like him once in london. He was just too stonecold! at first we had a lot of fun, very fun loving guy until later. I left his sorry ass and that was when he broke down he wept like a baby, infact i was too shocked, could not believe my eyes. MR. STONECOLD. He begged me for almost a year. I didnt go back cuz i know he wouldnt change, he needed HELP.

In your case babes, you are married, leaving him is not an option cuz you took an oath "for better for worse" i believe and you have kids to consider. He must love you somewhere and somehow in his heart. He just cannot express himself and you cannot really blame him. The damage had been done before he ever met you. He needs to see a psychologist to help him deal with this feelings. Its deeper than you think trust me. My ex has been seeeing one for a while now.

If you beleive in Jesus Christ, Call on him on this issue ok, you need to help your man and save your marriage. Pray hard. Good luck sis!

This is jokes, let's put it like this yo hubby simply feels for you the same way u feel 4 him!
Not sure of the full circumstance surrounding yo relationship, but what i get is that u're not completely commited to him (from yo other thread) and he too is not prepared to bend over backwards (not sure how much s*** he's had to put up with, but i assume it hasn't been a smooth ride), he probably beliefs that u aint going nowhere! And NO it is not cultural or even a major issue, he just can't be asked. Sorry. . .