sassysure:
Don't start what u can't finish. Ur future husband is looking at you. Today is lovey dovey, there must be arguments and heated up moments, some words will start tumbling out from your spouse or his people's mouth. Don't create such an avenue pls.

Though we may retract and apologise, those words means a lot and that is how seed of discord is sown.

Unless some tribes do so, I have never seen where pride price is collected by mum's people even though they singlehandedly trained you.
Give to everybody what belongs to them even though u don't like them to avoid stories that touch. At least u are in good terms with him and sometimes give him money so what's the problem here? Ur uncle didn't advice you well.
He is indeed a very selfish one and has failed to tell you the truth which is, he is not the right one to collect your dowry.
He too has entitlement mentality. Thousands and millions have been trained by uncles and aunts or even strangers yet, the world did not end.
U can do it outside the village but make sure your father and his people are there. Sorry but that's how it is.

If your father is dead, his brothers and relatives will take over on behalf of your brothers if they are not adults yet. Don't ever give your future in-laws room for attack as nobody knows tomorrow.
Congrats as u journey into another chapter of your life.

I try to get your point on what you are saying as regards the her hubby and the family, that is a good note but I don't quite agree with you on your narrative about the Uncle.... You know what they say "what is good for the goose, is good for the gander. I honestly advocate, if a renegades his duty for his family, he should endeavor to accept every consequences that come with it.

I honestly think she should follow the advice from BorntoBreed. Let the father take the brief price, not because his entailed to it but for peace and to reign.

sassysure:
Don't start what u can't finish. Ur future husband is looking at you. Today is lovey dovey, there must be arguments and heated up moments, some words will start tumbling out from your spouse or his people's mouth. Don't create such an avenue pls.

Though we may retract and apologise, those words means a lot and that is how seed of discord is sown.

Unless some tribes do so, I have never seen where pride price is collected by mum's people even though they singlehandedly trained you.
Give to everybody what belongs to them even though u don't like them to avoid stories that touch. At least u are in good terms with him and sometimes give him money so what's the problem here? Ur uncle didn't advice you well.
He is indeed a very selfish one and has failed to tell you the truth which is, he is not the right one to collect your dowry.
He too has entitlement mentality. Thousands and millions have been trained by uncles and aunts or even strangers yet, the world did not end.
U can do it outside the village but make sure your father and his people are there. Sorry but that's how it is.

If your father is dead, his brothers and relatives will take over on behalf of your brothers if they are not adults yet. Don't ever give your future in-laws room for attack as nobody knows tomorrow.
Congrats as u journey into another chapter of your life.

Well, my uncle's position is not from the selfish angle.

He feels my dad doesn't mean well for us. And he explained that depending on the type of family I'm marrying into, they may want to oppress me in future because given my father's non-existent role in my life, I might as well be an orphan.

His offering to stand in as father is for the sake of solidarity... so the husband and in-laws realise that I have a solid family, too. Because in truth, without my maternal family, I'm as good as an orphan.

MPESA:



They don't know what they getting themselves into, they are on the long thing if they follow that path no matter how harmless it's seems now it will SURELY BACK FIRE IN THE FUTURE.

Yes o

fineboynl:
no matter how irresponsible your dad his. whether he take responsibility or responsible for your grow up. you most understand that their is family bloodline and concept to issues like marriage. if you're a religious person you should know that Satan has a right and you can't temper or hold what belong to Satan and expect him not to react.

bride price is not for your father both the eiders in the family. he's only role is agreement and acceptance by collecting and handle to the village elders and your village witches.

without this you are only inviting your village witches and Satan into your marriage. as the road is open for them already so they will come in through your father disagreement or not acknowledgment to it.


its one of the reasons why children from broken homes always encountered broken homes. because the foundation and doors are always open for Satan the devil.

also why many spiritual cautions people will not want to marry from a broken home. it always have the open doors for Satan.

Haba nau. Witches and satan ke!

farady:


OP kindly follow the above advise. This life is too short to leave trails of unnecessary wahala behind and excalate fires that we ought to put off with simple acts of love. Bible says honor your father and mother..... I'm sure you can complete the rest of the sentence.

They yaf come with Bible nonsense
Rubbish

Ogbunigwe2018:
How much is the bride price?
If it's 4 digits, let your old man have it.
If more than 5 digit, let your uncle have it.

No love lost

It's pretty much beyond the value of the bride price, it is the honor given to whoever does the rites. Personally if I were in this shoe, my uncle will do the honors. Except my uncle desires otherwise.

It's about time fathers realise that you may have significant financial contribution to make in the live of your children, but your physical presence and moral support through the years makes a difference. Him and his family members should not wake up out of the blues feeling entitled/offended.

wolverine1987:
Please my sister make sure u resolve this issue before u think of saying I do atleast d traditional part. ur uncle can walk u down the aisle for the church wedding but traditionally it's not his place to collect bride price when u have a father... it may b unpalatable buh seek out ur father and give him d honour so as to fulfil all righteousness then after the traditional u may not even invite him for the white wedding if u like. Buh let ur maternal pple also participate during the traditional atleast an aunt can stand as ur mother cos they have their tole to perform.

Perfect arrangement! Thanks.

Bigdaddy234:
Get a marriage counselor, pray to God and have faith in him, that every evil plans of the devil concerning your Marital life, that God will destroy and annul their plans in the mighty name of Jesus.

Amen.

Op,i have to contribute to this because my brother witnessed a similar scenario like yours. My when my brother wanted to marry,he advised his wife that they should go to her father's place and do her traditional rite, she vehemently refused because the dad didn't partook of her upbringing except for her late mum and maternal aunties. Well my brother heed to his woman's words and paid her dowry and rites in her maternal uncle's place.But my tradition don't really permits that, so he took drinks and carried her straight to the father and gave the man drinks and he blessed them.

Fast forward to your case, I will advised you do same, take your man after your wedding and go see your father regardless of what he might have done and give him drink and that will settle the whole issue. But please don't draw far away from him, because I remembered vividly my brother going to visit him and dropping some cash for him....

Anybody here shouting tradition is shameless , where was the sperm donor when it was time for him to be a father ? Bride price is not given to sperm donors , they are given to fathers /foster father who take care of their daughters to marriable age, The Uncle UNEQUIVOCALLY deserves the bride price , calling your father on that day , will be a BIG slap on the face of your uncle , he may not show it , just know that's how he feels . Imagine your UNCLE didn't take care of you , will we be even talking about marriage ? Now he has taken care of you and your siblings , and when its time for you to HONOUR him , you remember your father who abandoned you ? This is why people Dont adopt or accept any child into their family that's not their biological offspring , because at the end of the day , everybody know e papa ! , and to the girl Bleep YOU (X3) for trying to disrespect your uncle , you think its easy to take care of a child to adulthood ?

QuintessentialW:


I didn't change my surname.

Then,give him,his due respect.
You can do your Christian wedding anywhere. For your bride price,that is your father RIGHT.

Op, i understand how you feel about your father, but what does your prospective husband think?. You are so much focused on your own issues, that you forgot about the man and his family that will actually pay the 'Bride Price'.


I don't know much about Urhobo culture, but no self-respecting Igbo man will take bride price to the bride's maternal family. Even if your father and his relatives live in a rabbit hole, wearing rags for clothes, that is where an Igbo man will pay his bride price.
So i will advice you to buy your father some nice clothes. P..imp him up and get him ready to receive your bride price including the kola nuts that come with it. After that you can do what you like with your wedding.

Your husband will be foolish to give any other person the bride price. It has serious consequences in Igbo land.

Born2Breed:
You mentioned two important things here.

Walking down the aisle and bride price collection.

Your maternal uncle can walk you down the aisle.

The bride price is for your father cum paternal family.(bride price and list is not much in Edo state,i guess you are owan or etsako or igarra?)

Also,marriage can take place anywhere,bring your father and few relatives(1or 2) to your location to perform the necessary rites then go back home.

In all these, you must plead with your maternal uncle to please allow your biological father collect his bride price and go. I always advice my fellow ladies not to offend any side of the family when getting married.

You said it all
OP, listen o if you want to live maritally without rancour.
This is the BEST advice you can get

midnighter:
Your father's side must collect something on your head but you can stylishly show your disdain for them in other ways without showing yourself up to your husband and his family.

But he or one of your paternal uncles must collect it. Any other thing is just storing embarrassment and insults for the future. And your MIL is watching the whole thing, sorry to bring her into it but it's true. The whole thing is a test, as in a very big one.

Don't allow your maternal family to use
You to settle scores. Your uncle has no right to collect what belongs to your father, it is an abomination and a curse. I have seen a similar case to yours...the man tried to bypass his father and ask his maternal uncle to accompany him to marry but that uncle refused and told him to go back to the father. Father who abandoned him when he was a baby!

Your uncle should know better than to collect somebody's due. If he really cared for you all these years then he shouldn't mess up at this late stage. Your husband doesn't need to be seeing or hearing that kind of suggestion. If he has a problem with your dad your uncle should confront him and not use you and your marriage as a cheap pawn.

This is not about whether he "deserves" the bride price or not. As far as he sired you and paid your mothers bride price, it is his right to collect your own.

As for the village, sorry but you have to go there and perform the rites. Even me my village looks like something from the stone age, still the two of us must go home. It's ancestral land and has some ancient meanings attached to it that are very important. At least you are a lady, you are only going there to say goodbye to them since your husband has come to take you away.

If you want you can make the village part as short as possible so you won't need to stay for long.

Sorry about your mum. May she witness your special day from the heavens.

Thanks a lot midnighter. Very valid points. But I won't marry in the village.

My Dear, You Need A Candid Advice And Here Is It. No Matter The Degree (level) Of Irresponsibility Displayed By Your Father, It Does Not Take Away The Fact That He Is Your Biological Father. Do Not Deny Him That Singular Right. You Can Reward Your Uncle With Even Cars And Other Valuables, not With Your Bride Prize. Give It To Him And Receive His Blessings. The Judgement Is Between Him And God.

I think it's best you just appreciate God for the journey so far...of what use if he didn't abscond.. Maybe those helps might not come... You now have the authority as it stands
You only need his presence this once, it doesn't really make any difference...you don't have to go to the village for the trad wedding...
Pls try and talk to your siblings to be responsible to an irresponsible dad...we should keep spreading glad tidings and not hatred....
Those advising you against your dad might not really be responsible themselves but its quite easy to pass judgement on others...Karma is already taking a toll on him and that should be enough till God knows
Ma opinion

QuintessentialW:


Thanks a lot midnighter. Very valid points. But I won't marry in the village.

You're welcome, all the best

Redoil:
see eh Urhobos men believes that mother are to train children while the father does what he likes with his life. that is why most of them marry up to 5 wives and still have lot of girlfriends with out taking care of their children.

to me who ever takes care of a child up to a marriageable age is entitle to collect the bride price

Bad Belle the father is from Edo state not an Urhobo

The catch in your story is that you located your father, cared for his welfare and sent him money.
That portends a possibility that two of you will reconcile in the future, especially if your husband shares the opinion.

It is not enough to just collect the bride price; there are also responsibilities that go with it. Bride price is mostly symbolic and hardly amounts to much in most communities.

I suspect your father left out of frustration, which was unmanly of him. How did he expect your mom to cater to you and your siblings?

As long as your father is still alive, he or his representative should be the one to receive your bride price.

What you should do is inform him of your marriage plans. How he responds will determine whether you carry him along subsequently or not.

Also appeal to your uncle to allow as I suggested above, more so as you mentioned you do not bear any grudges against your father. Most likely when the dust settles, atonement for wrongdoing may follow.

This is the way I would approach it if I were you.
My opinion anyway.

hmmm some people eh.. you just have to keep reading the scripture to guide u onto the right part always..


wether he's responsible or not, he's still your biological father and must be the one to work you down on the alter, you can choose any where to do your wedding as long as you carry him and return him back to his place though u can invite some of his friends or family living around with him.


for bride price, any elders in family can collect that.

I know of a marriage that scattered because of this.
The fiancé insisted on meeting the lady's paternal family, but she vehemently opposed it. She felt they didn't deserve the honour. The man called off the marriage. He said he didn't want to wade into a troubled family.

Op, give the bride price to your Dad and his relatives in a quiet ceremony. Your maternal uncle will walk you down the aisle on your big day.

Thanks.

If you are looking for event organizers. Then you should pay attention to https://www.happypeoplewed.com/blog/. This company is already quite famous and famous for its excellent service.

BEN1986:
My sister, as an Edo man, I want to advise you.
How much is the bride price? Less than 1k.
The issue here is not the amount but the importance of it.
In edo, even if u impregnate a lady back then in your SS 2, when the child grows up, she comes to do the needful as tradition demands.
It is not about your father taking responsibility or not. Give what is Caesar to Caesar and to God, God.
If your maternal uncle helped you as investment, I dont think you husband can even pay your yr1 school fees as ur bride price. So don't let him mislead you. Don't wake the spirits up.

Does it mean because I have been the one taking care of my househelp, school fees, healthcare and all her needs. If she eventually wants to marry I then collect the bride price? NO.
Whatever I do is for mankind.

You can bring him to city with either of his siblings for the wedding, be responsible for their upkeep throughout their stay.

If your maternal uncle wants appreciation for what he did, he can bring his demand to the table.

Dont use your marriage as a tool to spark of the quarrel between your paternal and maternal family.
Note, you are going to start your family, only God knows tomorrow.
May God help you.

Thank you so much.

Abeg go to ur village and do ur traditional wedding then allow ur father collect ur bride price..u won't die if u go to ur village, forget wetin that pastor told u but if u refused one day dem go make mockery of u..respect ur kinsmen,village people is real!!

midnighter:


Excuse me, you are totally wrong.

If the uncle could pay all that stuff then he should do it with a clean heart and not because he wants recognition or a paltry bride price sum. So are you trying to tell me that he paid all those school fees so that he will collect London Gin and 30 tubers of yam at the end of it?

He is very irresponsible for advising a young lady who appreciates him so much and who would like to please him to embarrass herself in her husband's house so that he can score cheap points against his brother-in-law.

Why did he just remember to be angry at his sisters treatment now that somebody wants to marry? Why didn't he get angry all this while

That's emotional blackmail and its too bad. Your uncle who suffered so much to take care of you should want you to succeed in your husband's house and not to mess yourself up for his sake because of school fees.

Is she going to keep owing him for school fees for the rest of her life? Is it on credit or what?

If it's like that he should tell her to be refunding his money in monthly instalments and just leave her marriage out of it.

Please, my Uncle's intentions aren't borne out of anything selfish at all. He's been totally selfless all these years.

shineeye1:


Your father's sense of entitlement is quite offensive.
Your own feelings of resentment against him are justified.
If indeed your father is guilty, also remember that it is very human to err in life but there is divinity in forgiveness.
You have two options:
Sentence your father as judged or Forgive him his offenses. While the former will satisfy your sentiments of vengeance, and likewise ensure an equally graceless sentence for your own certain trespasses in life, the later will deny you of the satisfaction of vengeance but win you uncommon grace at your own certain judgments in life. The choice is yours. But remember that , he is your dad today, not because he deserves it but because God allowed it to be. Any decision to rob him of what God , in His infinite unsearchable mercies, preserved for him may mean you playing a different God. You may rearrange the location of the marriage rites as suit you but allow your father be father that God allowed him to be. That he is alive today is not by his merit but the grace of God. You may displease men in executing this divine option but you will surely not displease heaven..

This touched my Godly conscience. Thanks.

zz

QuintessentialW:


Thanks a lot midnighter. Very valid points. But I won't marry in the village.

Its not in your place, to determine where you will get married.
Its your father decision, just persuade him to allow you have your way.
You are sounding this way, because your father is not doing well FINANCIALLY.

QuintessentialW:


Please, my Uncle's intentions aren't borne out of anything selfish at all. He's been totally selfless all these years.

Dear I understand, but we don't know him.

We have only seen what he has told you to do which is totally wrong and goes against the idea that he is selfless.

What I am arguing against is the idea that just because he helped you it somehow gives him the right to usurp what belongs to somebody else at your expense.

That's what that person wrote and its very bad.

I am sure he is great and has helped you immeasurably throughout your life, but that thing they are arguing in favour of is not right.

abbey621:
Parents be careful how you train your children, be weary of what bad things you tell you r sons or daughters about your partner. A true psychologists can discern a bit of fib from her story:



So you mean an 8 year old child knew who was paying rent, school fees? An 8 year old child knew who put money down for the well being of the family or was this what she was told after the man left?

What OP fails to understand is that whether he did his duties or not, he's still your biological father and that is a God given role. Africa being a place where physical meets spiritual, I wouldn't be surprised if the man was suffering from serious depression mixed with gigantic spiritual battles. All in all, unless you truly forgive this man, you might not know peace. End the cycle now, do not let the sins of the father create the sins of the child.

Yes, I was told plenty. But fortunately, I heard from both sides. I heard my mum's side... I heard my father's. I always try to be objective and rational in whatever I do. My father had no justification. It didn't all make sense when I was a child... but things became clearer as I grew older.

Funny thing is, my mum never turned us against father. She was always accomodating. She sorely wished he had stayed even if he wouldn't foot the bills. When I first said I wanted to know my village and go find my dad, my mum was alive. She didn't stop me. Mum was everything ideal and sweet. She simply had sore luck with the man she married. But God knows best.

I can’t answer that coz we don’t sell our children in yoruba land

QuintessentialW:


Well, my uncle's position is not from the selfish angle.

He feels my dad doesn't mean well for us. And he explained that depending on the type of family I'm marrying into, they may want to oppress me in future because given my father's non-existent role in my life, I might as well be an orphan.

His offering to stand in as father is for the sake of solidarity... so the husband and in-laws realise that I have a solid family, too. Because in truth, without my maternal family, I'm as good as an orphan.

I have been following this thread!! My sister don't ever make that mistake!! My own dad was far worse than yours, and I disliked him so much for it! And when my sis wanted to toe this same line, I vehemently stood my ground and insisted that my dad has the bride price. Four years into the marriage, a very serious sh1t occurred between my sister and her husband, and it was our same dad who came to the rescue. It was like a dream and no one in our entire family believed he could do that. Please allow your dad to take the bride price and even walk you down the isle if possible, because when the chips are down, all these your maternal whatever may be no where to be found!!