Mineisgrace:
you have not been able to break the shackles of poverty around your neck, it's my head you now want to break eehn?

yes I can collect from him.
It's his duty to provide for the family if he's married to me. Mine is to support the growth of the family without draining him both mentally and financially.

Do you have a problem with that?

No problems. Absolutely no problems.

Cityqueengirl:
I never knew I would have to post anything personal on nairaland but I deeply feel like sharing this.
I am a graduate in my late 20s. And I got employed in 2017. In 2018 I told my dad my intention to move out and be staying alone so that I would be a bit free. This is because all through my undergraduate years, I went to school from home and couldn't really have male friends around.

My mum was totally against it, but dad was indifferent . Her opinion was that men would play me and not get serious with me.

In July 2018, I moved to my own apartment. Now the problems is, men I meet are either after something else or just want to be eating my food or collecting money from me. The ones that are a sane: have trust issues.

I don't know if men think when a lady is living alone she's not to be trusted or she's a cheat.

In November 2019, late last year, I started dating this guy. And everything seems normal, till he starts snooping around my phone. Atimes he will visit my place without calling, but I will wave it off. I think of it as him just trying to surprise me.

But on the 15th of January this year, he wrote me a very long message on whatsapp telling me how I have been disloyal and dishonest deleting text messages. What sort of nonsense is that? Is it possible for him to see a deleted text message?
I was never even receiving text messages from admirers except on my birthday. Which he didn't even give me anything. I was even the one who transferred money to him to take us out because he had not been paid and was short on cash. He said he couldn't go out since he was short on cash that we should stay at home, but I said it was my birthday and really felt like eating out.
I feel there is nothing bad in helping him out when he is in need and this is how he is paying me back; accusing me falsely, painting me bad when I have not done anything wrong.

He went and hacked my Facebook and was sending me chat history of 2016 and 2017 that had no business with his life. Digging my privacy and lunching accusations as if I had met him in 2017 and 2018.

All my life I had only get to keep a single man at a time unlike most of other ladies around me. I am starting to believe the adage "don't keep all your eggs in one basket". I am thinking putting all my thoughts and hope in a single man while trying to settle down is a mistake.

Please don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to go out on your birthday. It's your birthday, you deserve to be pampered or pamper yourself. Why should you suffer because you have a selfish man?

Yes, I call him selfish because birthdays don't just spring on us. He knew months beforehand that it would be your birthday. He should have saved towards it or even borrowed, instead he took money from you to take you out on your own birthday. What kind of man is that A selfish man with no pride. Bad bad combination. No wonder he is so obsessive.

Please move on and dump his sorry ass. If you stay with him you will regret it.

And please, don't you ever give a man your money to do something for you. If he wants to do it let him find the money. If he doesn't want to do it, do it for yourself and feel good about it. You can support him financially if you want to help, but don't ever give him money to take you out or buy you a gift. What's next, giving him money to pay your bride price? Please don't start what you can't finish.

And yes, men are selfish. They will take advantage of you if they think you are too nice. So stop being too nice. Stop cooking for anybody in your house. Stop hosting people, period.

I too lived as a single working class. I lived in a three bedroom apartment so my place always had traffic. From my relatives to my friends and their boyfriends and toasters. Yes, people talked, neighbours called me irresponsible, but I didn't care. I don't let people dictate what I do for any reason. If I wanted to invite a man over, I would do just that and not care what people think. And I never wasted anytime with insecure men who would question my lifestyle. The people I dated knew me enough to know what I could and could not do.

Please please please, live your life. You only get to do it once. One day you will meet the right person, and you'll know he is the one.

crackkhaus:
At least, you admitted a lot of the men you've met have trust issues with you...it isn't just your boyfriend.

Perhaps it's time for you to look inwards and evaluate yourself - why is it that men find it hard to trust me? This is what you should be working on instead of blaming it on your independent living arrangements.

A good number of young women live alone and have trustworthy relationships that even lead to marriages, stop deceiving yourself.

People don't trust what they can't relate with.

Just because people don't trust her doesn't mean she's irresponsible. Men have issues and are clearly intimidated by her. So maybe they try some kind of reverse psychology by insinuating mistrust. I know because it happened to me a lot.

I still think she's young and single and should explore as much as she wants to. If a man wants to tie her down let him marry her.

Let me tell you something about men. When they see a single lady living alone, they want to exploit you as much as they can. So they try to ensure there's no one else around you. They try to make you feel bad for having admirers. They try to alienate you so they can tie you down and use you.

I discovered that about them early, so i did everything on my own terms. If you didn't like it you are free to leave. And yes, many left. But the one that really mattered stayed.

I'm still very upset that a woman would feel the need to give a man money to take her out on her own birthday. That's the kind of crap they feed us with . . . . That a man has to be the one spending the money, money that we worked for. Crap! If he wants to spend let him make the money. I won't even do that for a husband not to take ot boyfriend. Which kind yeye boyfriend be that!

Foodqueen:
Hmmm!!

Firstly,it is not you, it is the sociwe find ourselves. But then u need to set the rules. I lived alone for two years before I met my hub and honestly he live in the other room from mine.

I set my rules that no matter what, I won't bring any guy to my house and I stood by it. I had I relationship then but I never allowed him visit. I go out when I want to and make sure I was home before 8, cos then I do close from work by 5.
I earned a lot of respect from everyone in that area without me knowing cos I wasn't the only single lady in that compound. I didn't even notice my hub then, but he was a secret admirer.

To cut the long story short, the landlord, other tenants, friends on the street all stood for him.

Just because you lived that way doesn't mean others should too. And not inviting men to your house doesn't make you more responsible than she is. I lived the opposite and I still got married.

Please let's restrain from trying to put women in a box or spreading the narrative that women who are social are irresponsible.

UjuJoan2:


Just because you lived that way doesn't mean others should too. And not inviting men to your house doesn't make you more responsible than she is. I lived the opposite and I still got married.

Please let's restrain from trying to put women in a box or spreading the narrative that women who are social are irresponsible.

I didn't put a gun to her head to live like me. I only shared mine. U could av as well share your view without quoting me.

MRcocaFanta:
You write as if you are a 12 years old girl child.

In all the op had talked about, it's the money she sent to her man, that's your problem.

Ladies like you will never have a working relationship because you are selfish, self centered, insecure, greedy even to your own husband.

Relationship is all about sacrifice.

Women like you will start asking her husband money for garri to make Eba but you used your money to buy Brazilian hair.

See them, all the gold digging men.

That you don't find that he took her money to take her out on her birthday very offensive, just goes to show that you are the same exploitative selfish broke type.

Hiding under the guise of sacrifice to exploit women.

Did he not know her birthday was coming up? Not only did he not make plans for it, he took her money to take her out. That's wrong on so many levels and the fact that you are here justifying it is just . . . sad!

Foodqueen:


I didn't put a gun to her head to live like me. I only shared mine. U could av as well share your view without quoting me.

You shared yours in a self-righteous be like me manner.

And I just wanted to correct your impression that your example was ideal. Because it's not.

thorpido:
You say you are leaving alone........to go where?You say you are a graduate please edit what you put up there.

As per your issues,living alone has no direct effect on it.You just haven't met the right man yet.
Dump that insecure man you have now,he will just wear you out.

8

chriskosherbal:
I was about to give a piece of my mind but you beat me to it, can you imagine as if she is better than ladies who have or are still giving to thier men. You marry such women and you run out of cash at some point in time just know you are finished.

It's every man's prayer that God will not connect him to such selfish, self-centered, egocentric, never-sacrifising type of woman, who believes it is only the man's money that is good for spending and not hers, this type will be building houses and the husband will be borrowing to feed the children both contributed to have .

Op pls don't follow that ladies advice you have a good heart just pray more and watch keenly the man that will appreciate and like you for who you are will definitely show up...

See them . . . So you think a lady who spends money on you can't change after marriage?

You men should work for your money na and stop looking for women to give you. Haba.

SMH! I can't even deal.

UjuJoan2:


You shared yours in a self-righteous be like me manner.

And I just wanted to correct your impression that your example was ideal. Because it's not.

I av already pass that phase of my life, why correcting it. We all weren't brought up the same way.

What works for A might not work for b.

If I have to live as a single lady again, I will still live like that over and over again, cos I love my life.

Digest that, am done replying you

UjuJoan2:


People don't trust what they can't relate with.

Just because people don't trust her doesn't mean she's irresponsible. Men have issues and are clearly intimidated by her. So maybe they try some kind of reverse psychology by insinuating mistrust. I know because it happened to me a lot.

I still think she's young and single and should explore as much as she wants to. If a man wants to tie her down let him marry her.

There are instances where that statement would be accurate, this is not one of them.

If only one person is deliberately having wrong impressions of you, that is envy.
If there are two, it's coordinated attack.
If it's multiple people who have never met but with the same impression, then it's time to check yourself.

Introspection is a virtue.
Only people with a superhuman sense of awareness can manage it.

Let me tell you something about men. When they see a single lady living alone, they want to exploit you as much as they can. So they try to ensure there's no one else around you. They try to make you feel bad for having admirers. They try to alienate you so they can tie you down and use you.

I discovered that about them early, so i did everything on my own terms. If you didn't like it you are free to leave. And yes, many left. But the one that really mattered stayed.

I'm still very upset that a woman would feel the need to give a man money to take her out on her own birthday. That's the kind of crap they feed us with . . . . That a man has to be the one spending the money, money that we worked for. Crap! If he wants to spend let him make the money. I won't even do that for a husband not to take ot boyfriend. Which kind yeye boyfriend be that!

Well, you're conflating issues.

That you feel some men love to exploit single women who live alone has nothing to do with lack of TRUST, which is actually the real issue she's dealing with... So I totally understand those posters who said there was no need for her to include that information about giving the guy money to celebrate her birthday - it has absolutely nothing to do with the lack of trust she keeps receiving in her relationships.

Alooone:
Your mum advised you with the wisdom of elders but you didn't listen.... 70% of what you are facing now is because you are living alone...this is just the beginning. Is when you now want to get married you will know how far

I wanted to say this but decided to keep quiet.

By staying alone, she has opened the Pandora's box.

I hope she she has the strength to take what comes with it.

Foodqueen:



I av already pass that phase of my life, why correcting it. We all weren't brought up the same way.

What works for A might not work for b.

If I have to live as a single lady again, I will still live like that over and over again, cos I love my life.

Digest that, am done replying you

You may be done with that phase of life, but you are raising children no?

Try not raise them thinking women should live in a box. That's all I'm saying!

crackkhaus:

There are instances where that statement would be accurate, this is not one of them.

If only one person is deliberately having wrong impressions of you, that is envy.
If there are two, it's coordinated attack.
If it's multiple people who have never met but with the same impression, then it's time to check yourself.

Introspection is a virtue.
Only people with a superhuman sense of awareness can manage it.





Well, you're conflating issues.

That you feel some men love to exploit single women who live alone has nothing to do with lack of TRUST, which is actually the real issue she's dealing with... So I totally understand those posters who said there was no need for her to include that information about giving the guy money to celebrate her birthday - it has absolutely nothing to do with the lack of trust she keeps receiving in her relationships.

Maybe the lack or trust she's experiencing is as a result of people profiling her even before getting to really know her. Single girl, living alone, has one or two male friends . . . Of course she's a slut!

And yes, men tend to accuse you of things they know is not true as some kind of reverse psychology thing. It's not really that they don't trust you, they just accuse you of things they don't even believe themselves, to get you to live the way they want.

And of course she has a lot of admirers, she's single. If he wants to change that let him out a ring on it. Simple.

Meanwhile those making noise over the money have completely refused to see her point. Would she make such as sacrifice for a guy and then turn around and cheat on him? If the man cannot see that she chose him and stop being petty, then he's a big big baby!

UjuJoan2:


You may be done with that phase of life, but you are raising children no?

Try not raise them thinking women should live in a box. That's all I'm saying!

Waoh!! I didn't want to reply you again but then I think u are taking this too far.

Since u were raised in a wayward way and u live by that and it turned out well for you, you can as well pass it on to your children, no one cares.

I can relate dear.....i once made the mistake of telling a guy i live alone the first thing that came out of his mouth is that "i now have a place to eat my dinner hope you can cook"....the other one wanted to turn my house to a hotel where he brings his girlfriends he lives in their family house,my neighbor that goes to pay light bill collects 500 from every one but 1000 from me....Chai....the day i found out hmmm...one plumber guy fixed my sink and came back the next day that he came to visit me and several other things i've noticed since i started living alone.some of my male neighbors and male co workers say i'am not friendly i stopped telling guys i live alone.i don't do things i know i wont do in my parent house.its really frustrating but you need to be focused and be true to your self

Cityqueengirl:
I never knew I would have to post anything personal on nairaland but I deeply feel like sharing this.
I am a graduate in my late 20s. And I got employed in 2017. In 2018 I told my dad my intention to move out and be staying alone so that I would be a bit free. This is because all through my undergraduate years, I went to school from home and couldn't really have male friends around.

My mum was totally against it, but dad was indifferent . Her opinion was that men would play me and not get serious with me.

In July 2018, I moved to my own apartment. Now the problems is, men I meet are either after something else or just want to be eating my food or collecting money from me. The ones that are a sane: have trust issues.

I don't know if men think when a lady is living alone she's not to be trusted or she's a cheat.

In November 2019, late last year, I started dating this guy. And everything seems normal, till he starts snooping around my phone. Atimes he will visit my place without calling, but I will wave it off. I think of it as him just trying to surprise me.

But on the 15th of January this year, he wrote me a very long message on whatsapp telling me how I have been disloyal and dishonest deleting text messages. What sort of nonsense is that? Is it possible for him to see a deleted text message?
I was never even receiving text messages from admirers except on my birthday. Which he didn't even give me anything. I was even the one who transferred money to him to take us out because he had not been paid and was short on cash. He said he couldn't go out since he was short on cash that we should stay at home, but I said it was my birthday and really felt like eating out.
I feel there is nothing bad in helping him out when he is in need and this is how he is paying me back; accusing me falsely, painting me bad when I have not done anything wrong.

He went and hacked my Facebook and was sending me chat history of 2016 and 2017 that had no business with his life. Digging my privacy and lunching accusations as if I had met him in 2017 and 2018.

All my life I had only get to keep a single man at a time unlike most of other ladies around me. I am starting to believe the adage "don't keep all your eggs in one basket". I am thinking putting all my thoughts and hope in a single man while trying to settle down is a mistake.

Sorry that you had to date someone like that.I hope the relationship is over? you are definitely better off without him.He looks like someone that is insecure and not confident of himself. Stay away from broke that are insecure guys with no future ambition..they are pain in the ass.Take this a piece of advice. When looking out for your soul mate, do not ever shortchange your self for any man..remember they would not do same for you too. Look out for someone that has the same positive outlook to life just like you are without so many baggages. It will make life easy and seamless for you. It is better to be alone with peace of mind than have someone that of nothing but trouble in your life.Pele.

Mineisgrace:
you have not been able to break the shackles of poverty around your neck, it's my head you now want to break eehn?

yes I can collect from him.
It's his duty to provide for the family if he's married to me. Mine is to support the growth of the family without draining him both mentally and financially.

Do you have a problem with that?

I think he has .This is becos he belong to the new generation of men that have become sissy instead responsible men. These Lazy bones will want their women to feed and cloth them and at the same time, wanting to be respected as super boyfriends/head of the family. Not knowing that they have already sold their birth right.They want 50/50 in sharing financial responsibility but will immediately chicken out when it comes to sharing domestic work. Some have never bath , fed or clean after their children before..they will say it is a womans job but they quickly forgot the part where providing for the family is a mans job..Some Nigeria men are selfish and complicated breed

UjuJoan2:


See them, all the gold digging men.

That you don't find that he took her money to take her out on her birthday very offensive, just goes to show that you are the same exploitative selfish broke type.

Hiding under the guise of sacrifice to exploit women.

Did he not know her birthday was coming up? Not only did he not make plans for it, he took her money to take her out. That's wrong on so many levels and the fact that you are here justifying it is just . . . sad!

Don't mind d gold digger of a boyfriend. What stops him from taking loan from his friends to treat his supposed gf right? Like 5k loan

I hope the OP has kicked the insecure asshole out of her life?! I hate weak people

Cityqueengirl:
I believe you have never been lied against. You have never been slut shamed because you are a man.
So it is wrong to say I helped him out? Because of his ego?
So what happens to my own ego?

Are you kidding? I mean, how dare you dare to have an ego as a woman

You see how they're all trying to make you feel guilty for revealing you sent him money to celebrate your birthday, but it's OK when a man tells the WHOLE WORLD what he does for his woman.
Most of them also love it when their women show off what they do for them on social media...it inflates their ego.

kunleweb:

What's the purpose of the last paragraph of you having to transfer funds to his account cause he wasn't paid yet?


Change the dating field you meet the persons in your dating history. While it may appear that you're different persons on an individual level when you pick or get picked from a circle/clique,similar mind frame can cause your love interests to act similarly and have almost similar attitude.


Don't give up yet. Chances are if you spinner your circle of interests and explore more, you may meet other persons. One thing I want you not to take lightly is the possibility of meeting potential which some work/adjustments would be required on your end to bring to prime level.


In love, hope is key. Don't give up yet till you find and catch him.

Best of luck.

Men do that all the time too.
Why is it a problem when it's a woman?

omoharry:
I think he has .This is becos he belong to the new generation of men that have become sissy instead responsible men. These Lazy bones will want their women to feed and cloth them and at the same time, wanting to be respected as super boyfriends/head of the family. Not knowing that they have already sold their birth right.They want 50/50 in sharing financial responsibility but will immediately chicken out when it comes to sharing domestic work. Some have never bath , fed or clean after their children before..they will say it is a womans job but they quickly forgot the part where providing for the family is a mans job.. Some Nigeria men are selfish and complicated breed

These selfish and complicated Nigerian men are brought up by Nigerian women.

Nigerian relationship/marriage environ na wa.

Ricchcream:
I hope the OP has kicked the insecure asshole out of her life?! I hate weak people

what's your definition of weak?

Ricchcream:
I hope the OP has kicked the insecure asshole out of her life?! I hate weak people

This is just April na and there has been kwarantine so the relationship might have died a natural death.

YoungPerson:

Take him out to the beach, tell him how much you love him and how much the relationship means to you, then tell him what is hurting you.
C'est fini!

Why the beach?

bukatyne:


These selfish and complicated Nigerian men are brought up by Nigerian women.

Nigerian relationship/marriage environ na wa.

you are right.

omoharry:
you are right.

Maybe that's why I want women to take responsibility for their actions and stop doing men this men that.

A lot of them are training sons they complain about.

Selfish, disrespectful, wayward sons the replica of the husband they claim to hate and you start to wonder.

For every Nigerian man you complain about, there is a woman partly responsible for his actions /inactions.

bukatyne:


Maybe that's why I want women to take responsibility for their actions and stop doing men this men that.

A lot of them are training sons they complain about.

Selfish, disrespectful, wayward sons the replica of the husband they claim to hate and you start to wonder.

For every Nigerian man you complain about, there is a woman partly responsible for his actions /inactions.

bukatyne:


These selfish and complicated Nigerian men are brought up by Nigerian women.

Nigerian relationship/marriage environ na wa.

You are such a man pleaser!
You always find a way to twist things and make it a woman's fault in all your narrative! You always come from that angle. THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS TO BLAME! WHY?
You've tried to turn things around a couple of times with some of my comments by trying to change the course of the argument.
But why? Why? Why are you so hard on women like you?
Isn't it enough that men blame women for everything?
Try to change your mindset. At least, try to be more fair and empathetic towards women.

Quelme:
grammatical pedantry syndrome!

I know right? I spent the whole of yesterday fighting people who wouldn’t let others’ bad grammar alone.
I don’t even like subscribing to the term you used, because I don’t want to validate the English language. It is only when and if they would also consistently correct grammatical errors in their native languages that I would accept it as a compulsion they can’t help. But no, it’s just for Inglis. And I just call it self hate / mental slavery. It annoys me like no end. Just sad.
Some people surprise/ disappoint me more than others for being this way.

Mariangeles:




You are such a man pleaser!
You always find a way to make it a woman's fault in all your narrative! You always come from that angle. THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS TO BLAME! WHY?
You've tried to turn things around a couple of times with some of my comments by trying to change the course of the argument.
But why? Why? Why are you so hard on women like you?
Isn't it enough that men blame women for everything?
Try to change your mindset. At least, try to be more fair and empathetic towards women.

At least, you believe I am a woman. Fair enough.

Man pleaser, that's another feather to my cap on NL

I am 100% fair and empathetic to women. Don't confuse giving tough advises towards a greater end as 'unfair'. I don't pander to people or give advises they want to hear. I give advises I see is best situated to their situation after evaluating their unique circumstances and their leverage.

I also do not do bandwagon effect and independently access situations drawing from real life experiences. If I ask you to quote ten posts out of my 19,000+ posts where I blamed a woman blindly, you would not be able to do so.

See me as that mother or elder sister that will 'beat' you to read your books so that you can excel and tie the biggest gele during your graduation.

A woman chooses her man so who do we blame if her man turns out bad?

At least, we would blame her for not choosing well.

If she thought she chose well and the man turned out wrong, she should sit down and backtrack to where she got it wrong and not make that mistake again.

When you become more observant and true to yourself, you will find out that the average Nigerian woman has placed herself in whatever position she finds herself relationship/marriage wise. She also does not know how to evaluate her leverage per situation hence keep making funny decisions.

I used to be very up in arms that Nigerian men are 'bad' till I saw that the woman wailing her husband does not do any chores is the same woman telling her son 'he is a man' and pushing all chores to her daughter; the one wailing about a cheating husband is the same one excusing a cheating colleague or her brother that had a kid outside. The one complaining about an 'abusive' husband is the same one calling another gentler man weak.

So I changed my approach: build yourself to a standard woman, choose a good man and be good to him. I believe a woman is to make her man happy so it is her duty to choose the man that will inspire that naturally in her.

You see, just how it is an anomaly darkness and light to co-exist, you can not have an expectation from your man and another from your male relatives. You cannot make wrong decisions and cry foul when the consequences of those decisions come biting. You cannot have your cake and eat it.

Are there bad men? There are. Infact, I always talk about the average 'Nigerian' man is not marriageable.

Would it now make sense for me to marry that average 'Nigerian' man and wail three years down the line?

Would it not make sense to make the right choice of a man and live happily ever after? As much as we complain that Saudi Arabia is unfair to women, some men still taught their women how to drive. What does that tell you?

The quality of a woman's life is dependent on the men around her that is why the Ibunkun Awosikas, Sheryl Goldbergs and Folorunsho Alakijas keep emphasizing on the quality of men young women marry.

Maybe your post makes more sense today hence my willingness to type this epistle.

Damn, my previous post is freaking long.