Nice Write-up

Once it about relationships....I can't waste my time reading it!

Good work Tonye. Marriage and family is an interesting concept. While what works for A doesnt work for B, from my personal experience the following works

Treat your wife with love, kindness and respect and she would bend over backwards to please you and make you happy

Two, learn to surprise her from time to time and talk, yes, talk. Keep talking to her. Never ignore nor isolate her.

You would reap bountifully you would wonder

NB: this only applies to reasonable women.so as a pre requisite, only marry or date reasonable women

Peace out

manontree:
Good work Tonye. Marriage and family is an interesting concept. While what works for A doesnt work for B, from my personal experience the following works

Treat your wife with love, kindness and respect and she would bend over backwards to please you and make you happy

Two, learn to surprise her from time to time and talk, yes, talk. Keep talking to her. Never ignore nor isolate her.

You would reap bountiful you would wonder

NB: this only applies to reasonable women.so as a pre requisite, only marry or date reasonable women

Peace out

nice one

blackjack21:

Pardon, isn't relationship and marriage a personal matter? advising people on it is a personal matter too.

I once took my laptop for repair to a man who by all indications look like a repair, and he gave me a good deal too, it was too late when I discovered that he actually specialised on radio and television repair not computers.
A painful lesson, but learn it did I.

So forgive me, when I take give repair jobs or, in this case, take advice I like to ascertain how qualified the person giving the advice is.

Damn! That is a long write up you have

Not all gynecologists are women. Not all doctors have been pregnant. Not all nurses or midwives have delivered their babies. But they all do these things for other women.

TonyeBarcanista:
By TonyeBarcanista

One of the major problems bedevilling the society is the collapse of relationships, courtships, marriages and family system. Although people in these failed relationships do credit their partners as those responsible for the collapse, but I believe that most marital relationship collapse due to the failure of men to be men! Being a man comes with some burden of responsibilities that nature in her wisdom has placed on male folks. The way and manner men, as family heads, realise and discharge these responsibilities will ultimately determine the fate of the relationship/marriage, and the beginning of this start at the foundation of the relationship. To have successful relationship, men should note the following;
www.nairaland.com/attachments/11069090_screenshot20200218100636_jpeg7a530d83c6c693aac2c03ac64b679497

Starting A Relationship:
Before starting a relationship, it is expected of the man to determine his life's vision, as well as and his expectations from himself first and his would-be partner. He has to also determines physical and non physical features of his would-be partner in terms of beauty, physique, character, medical, ethnicity, faith, age, education, ideology, etc. Every man must determine his according to his heart desire and must not be coerced or bullied by societal or peers narratives to accept any standard other than his.

The next stage is to approach/woo only ladies that appeals to them and also pass character test according to their expectations. The character of a would-be partner is the very key as it determines the happiness or otherwise of the budding relationship/marriage/family. This is one step that no man can afford to gamble with. The ideological, faith, medical, and others must not be gambled with. The truth about relationship is that good character is not enough qualification for a man to decide to settle with a woman. A woman's ideology, perspective towards life, family, genotype, faith, culture, tradition, family, sex and other sociocultural issues goes a long way to determine her compatibility or otherwise with the man. For instance, a man that believes in the traditional hierarchial headship of a husband has no business getting married to a woman that doesn't hold such ideology sacred. Partners with fundamental ideologies different from each other have no business marrying each other. Doing so will only be laying foundation for an inevitable doom era. May I emphasize that NO MAN should relegate his ideology in order to accommodate any woman for any reason.

Set Ground Rules And Stick To It
Every man should lay basic ground rule governing the relationship from the onset and ensure strict compliance. One important area that should not be overlooked is the subject of privacy. There is no privacy between a pair as long as relationship is concerned. Each should have unrestricted access to the other, including knowing passwords of phones; it is not a sign of insecurity contrary to what society would want to make one belief, it is simply a testament of oneness. As a man, any woman that doesn't believe in "No Privacy" relationship is most likely hiding something from you and should be a no-no.

Post-Proposal/Marriage Stage
With all the aforesaid in check and confirmed, men in relationship should proceed to take only women that match their criteria and meet their respective physical, character, ideological and other fundamental requirements to the "village" and altar, and do the needful. The purpose of courtship is not just for "free sex", it is a platform for would-be couple to confirm compatibility.

Once married, men should be prepared for greater task as family head, and ensure he leads by example, while their partner (and kids) also live by the family standard. Men shouldn't be slow to assert authority, appropriate sanctions and discipline on whoever that derails from the path, including himself.

Some Key Responsibilities And Expectations For Men
Having established the above, a man must recognise that as the hierarchical head and burden bearer of the relationship and marriage, he is saddled with greater responsibilities and expectations than his partner and/or any other member of the household.
[img]https://tenntuxx.files./2018/09/blackmanfamily.jpg[/img]

Some key responsibilities/Expectations include;

Fairness: Being head of family doesn't mean the man is a higher human to the wife or the children. It only put him at the top of authority within the family. He must be fair in his dealings with his wife at all times, knowing that he is accountable to God and nature. In fact, a man that isn't fair in his dealings will never know peace in the home.

Leadership: As a man, you can't flout rules and regulations and expect the woman to abide by it. It doesn't work that way! Leadership is by example, and men who aren't living exemplary lose every moral justification to address err by his woman or even his children.

Independent Mind: A man should have an independent mind that is not influenced by peers or societal narratives. He must realise that issues that concern relationship and home affairs are unique and he doesn't need popular opinion of relatives and strangers (on and off social media) before taking decision.

Openness To Ideas; Although a man is expected to possess independent mind, he is bound to open his mind to opinion and ideas of his woman on virtually all issues without having an impressionist mind. Though a man is the head and final authority, he is not omniscient. He may not even be the most knowledgeable between the pair. Even if he is the most knowledgeable, he may not be the most knowledgeable on the issue in question. Also, there is a wise saying that no idea is a waste, this applies to relationship. His final decision must be in the overall interest of the union irrespective of whether it comes from him or his wife.

NB: Without prejudice, a man must insist on decisions and actions that he is of a strong conviction that is of the benefit of the union/family even if his partner insists otherwise. But he should be prepared for the consequences should the action/decision yield unfavourable outcome.

Responsibility: A man must be first be responsible to himself and the woman in his life. A responsible man is one that knows his onion and live a life worthy of emulation. An irresponsible man cannot lead a woman not to talk of family.

Accountable: Although his woman is accountable to him in all things, the man is expected to first account to himself and the woman in his life. That way he shows a pathway for the woman to follow.

NB: A woman that is not prepared to be accountable to the man is a no-no irrespective of other factors.

Financial Stability: While no one expect a man to be very wealthy or live in affluence before meeting a woman, it is expected that he should at least have source of livelihood that to be able to cater for his needs and that of his partner/family. Any man that is yet to have good source of livelihood should suspend the idea of marriage altogether until he is ready. It is not a crime to be broke, but it is a sin for a grownup man without anything doing to be talking of relationship and marriage. The reason is simple, the woman is not meant to take care of financial any burden! It is the man's responsibility to cater for the woman and the home while the woman gives helping hand. I repeat, the woman is meant to give helping/supporting hand and not to inherit the main burden.

Chief Planner: The man in the relationship is chiefly responsible for making short and long term plans to ensure that his relationship and home doesn't suffer; and ensure that he sticks to it. This is very important as those who fail to plan end up losing it. Although a woman is expected to partner her man, it is still the man's responsibility to ensure things work as the Planner in Chief.

Physical/Mental/Emotional
/Sexual Fitness: Every man should always take priority of physical, mental and sexual fitness. A man who is weak physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually is not appealing to a woman. In fact, no woman wants, deserves nor desires one who is physically weak, emotional wimp, mental retard and one who cannot perform sexually (not saying men should start using drugs). Men that fall short in these areas will have serious problem in their relationship/family. It is the duty of the man to work on his weaknesses!

Discipline: A man should discipline himself as by doing this he creates precedent for his partner and children to follow. No man should tolerate or forgive indiscipline in his home, not from himself, his woman/wife/girlfriend or children. Discipline is one of the way of expressing love.

Godfearing And Godly: All said, this is the most important. Any man that fears God will love and honor His Words, and will want to live godly life; and thereby be the best man any family would have. By this I don't mean outward religiosity (like many) or mere churchgoer, but for one to have reverence towards God Almighty and to follow His word.

Finally, marriage is not a bed of roses but it is a union ordained by God meant for human pleasure and not for humans to endure. But it is the duty of the man to seek and insist on woman that meets his desires and matches his expectations to have his dream home.

May God Bless Us All...

Nice ideas I must say! But all these will never work with the high rate of lesbians in Nigeria right now!

Nooil:



Not all gynecologists are women. Not all doctors have been pregnant. Not all nurses or midwives have delivered their babies. But they all do these things for other women.

Fair enough.

Judybash93:


So, to be a good human equals being godly?

It means being a step higher than the basic human nature, which is impatient, greedy, selfish, despotic, and wicked.

Pataricatering:
The most important part which u forgot to add - he must buy a good koboko because from all what u described - he is oga headmaster - so he needs a good cane to flog his erring wife and kids if they flour his authority . U people and ur dumb ego - ul never learn . How many women do u think will sit down and take d rubbish u typed here ? Yes master , ur wish is my command ! Lol . Marriage is a 50/50 partnership - better get with the program .

Simple! It is not for everyone

TonyeBarcanista:
I don't think the article is too long

I can finish it in 30mins.

Ops I forgot to press Like n Share

xpmode:


I can finish it in 30mins.

Ops I forgot to press Like n Share

Lols I can relate

Nice post Tonye. It's apt. You hit the head on the nail. . Kudos to you bro

I agree with Op on what he said but I want to hammer the nail on one point he listed.

A man must know himself first before looking for a partner, likewise women. It saves a lot of nonsense coming up in marriages.

For example, if a man grew up in a household where his father has never entered the kitchen before to serve himself food, he has no business proposing marriage to a lady who grew up seeing all the men in her family handy in the kitchen.

Similarly, if a lady grew up seeing her father finance everything in the house without a dime coming from the mother, she has no connection to a man who saw both his parents contribute financially to run the home.

A man who has his beliefs and won't compromise on them shouldn't marry a woman and then expect her to compromise on her views. I believe courtship helps expunge some of these matters.

I hope we all learn our responsibilities before we step into the institution of marriage.

TonyeBarcanista:

The feminists can never impose their misguided thought on men. Any man that knows his onion will never fall for the blackmail of feminists and the society nor be influenced by them.

Lol, please go visit twitter and see how pathetic and weak men have become.

TonyeBarcanista:
By TonyeBarcanista

One of the major problems bedevilling the society is the collapse of relationships, courtships, marriages and family system. Although people in these failed relationships do credit their partners as those responsible for the collapse, but I believe that most marital relationship collapse due to the failure of men to be men! Being a man comes with some burden of responsibilities that nature in her wisdom has placed on male folks. The way and manner men, as family heads, realise and discharge these responsibilities will ultimately determine the fate of the relationship/marriage, and the beginning of this start at the foundation of the relationship. To have successful relationship, men should note the following;
www.nairaland.com/attachments/11069090_screenshot20200218100636_jpeg7a530d83c6c693aac2c03ac64b679497

Starting A Relationship:
Before starting a relationship, it is expected of the man to determine his life's vision, as well as and his expectations from himself first and his would-be partner. He has to also determines physical and non physical features of his would-be partner in terms of beauty, physique, character, medical, ethnicity, faith, age, education, ideology, etc. Every man must determine his according to his heart desire and must not be coerced or bullied by societal or peers narratives to accept any standard other than his.

The next stage is to approach/woo only ladies that appeals to them and also pass character test according to their expectations. The character of a would-be partner is the very key as it determines the happiness or otherwise of the budding relationship/marriage/family. This is one step that no man can afford to gamble with. The ideological, faith, medical, and others must not be gambled with. The truth about relationship is that good character is not enough qualification for a man to decide to settle with a woman. A woman's ideology, perspective towards life, family, genotype, faith, culture, tradition, family, sex and other sociocultural issues goes a long way to determine her compatibility or otherwise with the man. For instance, a man that believes in the traditional hierarchial headship of a husband has no business getting married to a woman that doesn't hold such ideology sacred. Partners with fundamental ideologies different from each other have no business marrying each other. Doing so will only be laying foundation for an inevitable doom era. May I emphasize that NO MAN should relegate his ideology in order to accommodate any woman for any reason.

Set Ground Rules And Stick To It
Every man should lay basic ground rule governing the relationship from the onset and ensure strict compliance. One important area that should not be overlooked is the subject of privacy. There is no privacy between a pair as long as relationship is concerned. Each should have unrestricted access to the other, including knowing passwords of phones; it is not a sign of insecurity contrary to what society would want to make one belief, it is simply a testament of oneness. As a man, any woman that doesn't believe in "No Privacy" relationship is most likely hiding something from you and should be a no-no.

Post-Proposal/Marriage Stage
With all the aforesaid in check and confirmed, men in relationship should proceed to take only women that match their criteria and meet their respective physical, character, ideological and other fundamental requirements to the "village" and altar, and do the needful. The purpose of courtship is not just for "free sex", it is a platform for would-be couple to confirm compatibility.

Once married, men should be prepared for greater task as family head, and ensure he leads by example, while their partner (and kids) also live by the family standard. Men shouldn't be slow to assert authority, appropriate sanctions and discipline on whoever that derails from the path, including himself.

Some Key Responsibilities And Expectations For Men
Having established the above, a man must recognise that as the hierarchical head and burden bearer of the relationship and marriage, he is saddled with greater responsibilities and expectations than his partner and/or any other member of the household.
[img]https://tenntuxx.files./2018/09/blackmanfamily.jpg[/img]

Some key responsibilities/Expectations include;

Fairness: Being head of family doesn't mean the man is a higher human to the wife or the children. It only put him at the top of authority within the family. He must be fair in his dealings with his wife at all times, knowing that he is accountable to God and nature. In fact, a man that isn't fair in his dealings will never know peace in the home.

Leadership: As a man, you can't flout rules and regulations and expect the woman to abide by it. It doesn't work that way! Leadership is by example, and men who aren't living exemplary lose every moral justification to address err by his woman or even his children.

Independent Mind: A man should have an independent mind that is not influenced by peers or societal narratives. He must realise that issues that concern relationship and home affairs are unique and he doesn't need popular opinion of relatives and strangers (on and off social media) before taking decision.

Openness To Ideas; Although a man is expected to possess independent mind, he is bound to open his mind to opinion and ideas of his woman on virtually all issues without having an impressionist mind. Though a man is the head and final authority, he is not omniscient. He may not even be the most knowledgeable between the pair. Even if he is the most knowledgeable, he may not be the most knowledgeable on the issue in question. Also, there is a wise saying that no idea is a waste, this applies to relationship. His final decision must be in the overall interest of the union irrespective of whether it comes from him or his wife.

NB: Without prejudice, a man must insist on decisions and actions that he is of a strong conviction that is of the benefit of the union/family even if his partner insists otherwise. But he should be prepared for the consequences should the action/decision yield unfavourable outcome.

Responsibility: A man must be first be responsible to himself and the woman in his life. A responsible man is one that knows his onion and live a life worthy of emulation. An irresponsible man cannot lead a woman not to talk of family.

Accountable: Although his woman is accountable to him in all things, the man is expected to first account to himself and the woman in his life. That way he shows a pathway for the woman to follow.

NB: A woman that is not prepared to be accountable to the man is a no-no irrespective of other factors.

Financial Stability: While no one expect a man to be very wealthy or live in affluence before meeting a woman, it is expected that he should at least have source of livelihood that to be able to cater for his needs and that of his partner/family. Any man that is yet to have good source of livelihood should suspend the idea of marriage altogether until he is ready. It is not a crime to be broke, but it is a sin for a grownup man without anything doing to be talking of relationship and marriage. The reason is simple, the woman is not meant to take care of financial any burden! It is the man's responsibility to cater for the woman and the home while the woman gives helping hand. I repeat, the woman is meant to give helping/supporting hand and not to inherit the main burden.

Chief Planner: The man in the relationship is chiefly responsible for making short and long term plans to ensure that his relationship and home doesn't suffer; and ensure that he sticks to it. This is very important as those who fail to plan end up losing it. Although a woman is expected to partner her man, it is still the man's responsibility to ensure things work as the Planner in Chief.

Physical/Mental/Emotional
/Sexual Fitness: Every man should always take priority of physical, mental and sexual fitness. A man who is weak physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually is not appealing to a woman. In fact, no woman wants, deserves nor desires one who is physically weak, emotional wimp, mental retard and one who cannot perform sexually (not saying men should start using drugs). Men that fall short in these areas will have serious problem in their relationship/family. It is the duty of the man to work on his weaknesses!

Discipline: A man should discipline himself as by doing this he creates precedent for his partner and children to follow. No man should tolerate or forgive indiscipline in his home, not from himself, his woman/wife/girlfriend or children. Discipline is one of the way of expressing love.

Godfearing And Godly: All said, this is the most important. Any man that fears God will love and honor His Words, and will want to live godly life; and thereby be the best man any family would have. By this I don't mean outward religiosity (like many) or mere churchgoer, but for one to have reverence towards God Almighty and to follow His word.

Finally, marriage is not a bed of roses but it is a union ordained by God meant for human pleasure and not for humans to endure. But it is the duty of the man to seek and insist on woman that meets his desires and matches his expectations to have his dream home.

May God Bless Us All...

Love ur write up bro! How do I get more of it pls?

Judybash93:


So, before the arrival of Christianity in Africa, we weren't morally upright? Moreover, if god should be considered as the source of morality, why is the Bible filled with grievous crimes against humanity?

Don't mind those guys here typing trash about Christianity and morality! I don't know when they'll learn that morality is not exclusively learnt from Christian teachings. In fact, Christianity is a dent to our traditional moral values as Africans.

Netblyss:


Wow! Just wow! Just look at what you just typed.
Those women who won't sit down and take this "rubbish" where are they now?

I think you need to get off your high horse.

Marriage is a partnership quite all right but whether you like it or not someone must lead and that some one is the man.
Being led is not a bad thing and that is why we must always pray for a good and morally upright man.

In every association, there must be a leader else anarchy

I don't think a woman wrote this. Aptly put.

Nooil:



Not all gynecologists are women. Not all doctors have been pregnant. Not all nurses or midwives have delivered their babies. But they all do these things for other women.

Very true. Such wisdom.

Thanks OP, I took my time to read this essay. It is quite instructive and I like the fact that you rightly and graphically captured with umbrella. God instituted marriage and He still gives spouse (wife or husband) to people. Where you talked about one having the characteristics one needs in a woman is important however, if a man who wants to marry under submission to Christ decides to involve God in it by PRAYERS and FASTINGS, there is a lot of possibility that his own characteristics will give way to God's own.
For example, I already decided I would get married to ladies from two tribes within my state. I wanted a tall lady. A university graduate and others. But I handed it over to God with two conditions (1) I want a wife that would join and help me to serve God better (2) I want a wife that would give me peace at home- that I would look forward to going home to meet no matter what- I had worked with married colleagues who feared going home because of issues at home.
I prayed and when I was to see my would be wife, she was totally not from my state and a tribe that I had never given a thought that my wife would come from. But primarily, after 7 years and still counting in marriage GOD met my 2 conditions which have primarily made it 'easy' to tide over other challenges.

danjay22:
Love ur write up bro! How do I get more of it pls?

I'm writing a book that will be elaborate but you can always send mail

Have money and a big dick.

Ivebeenbanned:

Stop seeing marriage as a Boss-employee relationship but rather as two friends...PARTNERS that chose each other. Women don't need leadership, keep thinking like this your marriages will keep ending.

The fact that they are both partners does not mean there are two captains on the ship

Ok

Pataricatering:
The most important part which u forgot to add - he must buy a good koboko because from all what u described - he is oga headmaster - so he needs a good cane to flog his erring wife and kids if they flour his authority . U people and ur dumb ego - ul never learn . How many women do u think will sit down and take d rubbish u typed here ? Yes master , ur wish is my command ! Lol . Marriage is a 50/50 partnership - better get with the program .

This ur reasoning is y most girls can't sustain their marriages.keep thinking u r equal with ur husband.when ur holy book tells you that the woman should be submissive to her husband

Netblyss:


Wow! Just wow! Just look at what you just typed.
Those women who won't sit down and take this "rubbish" where are they now?

I think you need to get off your high horse.

Marriage is a partnership quite all right but whether you like it or not someone must lead and that some one is the man.
Being led is not a bad thing and that is why we must always pray for a good and morally upright man.

In every association, there must be a leader else anarchy

God bless u sister and bless your marriage.truely there are still sensible women!

franchasng:
You are quoting a misguided feminist or pro-feminist, they want everything to be equal and that has been the cause of troubles in modern marriages of our time.

Your husband or wouldbe hubby is lucky you understand what marriage is already, and I am sure you are above 27yrs because ladies of your age do understand, except for the few ones that have gone astray out of frustration and anger of being severally heartbroken by different men

Not necessarily heart broken or frustrated,some of them are just naturally dense mentally and spiritually

IMOHS:

The fact that they are both partners does not mean there are two captains on the ship

Its not a fuc..king ship that needs a captain. If you're looking for who to lead, run for president. Oshi.

In summary should have been better

Since I was born, and now I am getting old I have never ever seen an educated, exposed handsome, rich guy that calls himself 'head of the house' or bothers about stupid African 'traditions' or about controlling or leading a woman. Its always ugly and broke incels that have never seen a vagina and most of them are found here. It seems you people want to die single with your unattractiveness and backward mentality. God help you.

And stop mentioning me on this rubbish thread ffs.

Although that part that suggests courtship involves free sex does not support the godly aspect you introduced later. Apart from that, your write up was beautiful.