Why on earth should you guys live together when you ain't married? that just messes things up.

Firstly any girl that loves u will start getting jealous and insecure immediately she has the idea of u marrying her...the thing is...its is rare to find a girl who really loves you and does not get jealous unnecessarily. Love comes with jealousy and believe me op...if She was hanging out too much with a male counterpart.. Whether she has bad intentions or not...ud start feeling uncomfortable... Only that men do not need to show it.Just try to space yourself and make sure she is faithful too...if it still brings a prolm...she is not the one for you...don't cheat nature cos nature will Bleep u up
This advice is for myself also...I have a gf like urs too

chide1000:
I'm 36 and my girlfriend is ten years younger than myself. I have had three long-term relationships previously, but I am her first partner. We have been together for almost three years, and lived together now for six months. We usually get along well, and while we are very different in some ways, we have things in common too - like a shared sense of humour and openness to converse on a range of topics and hear each other out. I am very easygoing, not an extrovert but more so than her - I can talk to anyone and enjoy joking around a lot and pushing boundaries in my humour. I am relatively easy breezy, and I don't tend to sweat the small stuff. My partner values kindness above all else, and while she is extremely polite and thoughtful (more so than I am) she does sweat the small stuff, is more introverted, quiet, and experiences anxiety on a much higher level than I do whenever we have a fight.

Sort of relevant for context: My parents have been married for 40 years and I grew up seeing them fight occasionally (sometimes screaming matches) but they are still married, and happily so. They are best friends. Her parents divorced when she was young and she doesn't really know why. Her mother remarried a few years ago and has a very happy second marriage and they never ever fight. We have had our share of problems from the beginning of our relationship but have managed to push through them, but they periodically rear their head. We can go long periods (months) without having a fight, but then suddenly will experience a period of a few months (like the period we are in now) where we have a disagreement about twice a week. The fights go like this: I notice my girlfriend is upset; I ask her what's wrong; she refuses to tell me; I have to push and push to get it out of her; she tells me and I don't agree or like what she's upset about; I feel attacked and defend myself; we go around and around in circles until it gets heated, I get angry, she cries and then questions whether we are suitable for each other. After two years together my girlfriend broke up with me because she said she was having anxiety from all the fights we were having. She said she didn't think the amount of fighting was normal in a relationship. We were apart for two weeks, but decided to give it another try eventually.

I don't think that we fight much by ordinary standards, and we never yell or scream or abuse each other. But they are frustrating, anxiety and stress inducing and end with her in tears, so I want to fix them.

The key to understanding our difficulties, I think, is what we fight about. She moved in with me six months ago. We live in a big house with three other house mates and have the downstairs to ourselves which is nice for space. Initially in our relationship we would fight about my friendships with other girls, and this has been the common theme. Most recently it is usually fights about my relationship with one of the other house mates. I will call her Rose. Rose and I get along very well (as friends). Rose is an attractive girl, but I am not attracted to her. I only have eyes for my girlfriend. My girlfriend has developed somewhat of an issue with Rose, but Rose has no idea. Rose is very nice, extroverted, chatty and her and I get a long superbly as friends. We enjoy each other's company. I don't see her much though - perhaps half an hour per day while cooking in the kitchen. My girlfriend likes Rose too and tells me this. My girlfriend says that she knows Rose and I aren't flirting, but she can just 'sense' something in the air and that we are both flirtatious people by nature. It began with her accusing me of staring at Rose inappropriately when Rose bent over to pick something up. This shocked me and I certainly didn't think I had done that. Whats more she said Rose deliberately bent over in front of me in order to entice me to look at her, when she could have kneeled down instead as that's what my girlfriend would have done. I thought this was going a bit far. Another time we went out for dinner with a large group of people, including Rose, and during the dinner my girlfriend told me I was looking at Rose too much. I really didn't think I was. Lately, If I go upstairs to make food or a cup of tea, when I get back my girlfriend will accuse me of taking too long up there and ask me what the hell I was doing, then we have a fight about that - sometimes I just like to hang out and have a chat with my house mates (not just Rose but the others too). And then there are the other fights - recently when she was upset and I was asking her what was wrong apparently I looked at myself in the mirror and adjusted my hair while asking her. This led to her telling me I wasn't genuine in asking how she was as I was focused on the mirror instead (I had just taken off my hat and the mirror was beside me while I was talking to her, and we had a big fight about that.

On another occasion, she said she was having such anxiety in her chest about me interacting with Rose, that could I please limit the amount of time I spend in the communal areas of the house? We had a big fight about that. I thought that was really unfair and controlling. She later backtracked on that and said she would never try to control me like that. Last nights fight sums up what usually happens quite well. It was Valentines Day - I had bought her some gifts, a nice card, and made her dinner. We spent a couple of hours together, then I went upstairs to make a cup of tea for myself. Then I sat outside in the cool evening air for half an hour. At one point Rose came outside for 30 seconds to check the temperature as she was going out and was deciding what to wear. We talked for ten seconds. My girlfriend then called me on my phone and asked could I come back inside to spend more quality time together. When I went back in I could immediately see on her face something was wrong (huge mood change from when I left). She asked me why the hell I stayed upstairs for half an hour, and she could see Rose "prancing around in front of me in her outfit". I disagreed, felt attacked, like I had done nothing wrong at all, and that she was reading the situation entirely differently to what had actually happened. We had a big fight and she started saying "there are guys out there I could be with who wouldn't treat me the way you do" AND "I don't deserve to be this upset, it isn't fair" as she was crying. She also said "it sends the message you would rather hang out with her or by yourself on Valentines Day than with me" and "it's embarrassing for me, because our house mates will be thinking there are problems in our relationship because we are not downstairs together on Valentines Day." I am used to this now, but I was a bit stunned, because in my mind all that had happened was that I stepped outside for a cup of tea for half an hour and I barely even saw Rose.

And then there are the times that she accuses me of looking at a girl on a bus when I'm not, or if I Google an actress on my phone it's an act of sneaking away to do something I shouldn't, or if I happen to look twice at a girl in the street she shuts down and won't talk to me for twenty minutes. For the record, I have two sisters and lots of close female friends, and all of them would agree that I am not the type to oggle women at all, though I will openly say I think a woman is attractive (like an actress or someone we know) but I will say that about a man being handsome too. I don't think that should be a problem. These things occur maybe on average once or twice a month, but since moving in with me and being around Rose, it has been weekly and is getting a bit much. It has gotten to the point where I am constantly microscoping my own behaviour - psychoanalysing myself - in case I might be doing something wrong that will upset her. I'm wondering if I've talked to this girl for too long, if I've looked too much, careful to avert my eyes, don't make her laugh too much, have I been upstairs for too long, what's too long, is 15 minutes ok? It's not healthy for me. We love each other though, and we we are not in this conflict mode we can go long periods without any trouble. I have suggested we go to counselling. She has agreed and says she wants to try and fix it too, but she also sometimes says she thinks we are just too different and there would be guys out there who would instinctively just know not to do all the things wrong that I do.

We've booked a counsellor for next week. Do you think it will help us? What do you think the problem is here? Am I not being sensitive enough to her needs and feelings? I feel torn between standing up for myself and not saying "yes dear, sorry dear" every time there's a problem, but also wanting to set her mind and heart at ease and make her feel better as well. I do love her.

PS. Obviously this is just a big list of our problems, but largely the relationship is a happy one. Just lately it hasn't been and I would like to get back to that good place. Any help/advice/perspective will be appreciated. Sorry for the length!

You both had a good relationship which you've built all these years BUT it seems you both are using your own hands to tear down the level of love you've built.

As human we all have the tendency to be jealous (especially when we love someone and another person is onto who we love). My dear poster, it seems your babe is now being jealous BUT it seems you don't know what's going on between these women -- you may just be a room mate or friend with Rose BUT i tell you; Rose and your babe are in a battle.

Rose may not have the intention of being in relationship with you BUT am sure she as seen/observe your babe's reaction whenever she's around you AND she's intentionally getting between you two to make her jealous and angry. This is NOT healthy for your relationship!

Get you own space AND stop co-habitation when you are not married for her own sake especially

Your babe's reactions are expected but might be a bit too much.
You are insensitive to her emotions. You believe you have a free mind since you don't a thing for Rose. Be considerate and give your girl some sense of security.
Counselling will surely be helpful. You both have so much to learn.
Find another apartment and pack out as soon as possible.
In the final analysis, I do not think that you have much of big problems. You both need to learn and understand how to manage your differences.

Before I read this epistle, I was 26, now I'm 32.

Easybela:
with all these write-ups, why won't your relationship get problems ,too many writings, complicated stories and confusing grammar.

It seems you talk too much man!!!

God forbid if I Read all these... Even exam sef, I no dey read upto this...


Odikwa risky



Can u pls summarize it for me Pls

You are not as easy going as you think my friend - at least from your write up. Quite a lengthy and complicated story.
Are you guys in Nigeria? It's quite different from the typical naija relationship complaints.

The first question is can you move out of the house and live alone with her? If yes, that may help her calm down. She doesn't seem to thrive well with people around.

If you do move out and things don't improve, then get a new girlfriend. You are not compatible. That doesn't make either of you bad but you aren't just the right fit for each other.

chide1000:
I'm 36 and my girlfriend is ten years younger than myself. I have had three long-term relationships previously, but I am her first partner. We have been together for almost three years, and lived together now for six months. We usually get along well, and while we are very different in some ways, we have things in common too - like a shared sense of humour and openness to converse on a range of topics and hear each other out. I am very easygoing, not an extrovert but more so than her - I can talk to anyone and enjoy joking around a lot and pushing boundaries in my humour. I am relatively easy breezy, and I don't tend to sweat the small stuff. My partner values kindness above all else, and while she is extremely polite and thoughtful (more so than I am) she does sweat the small stuff, is more introverted, quiet, and experiences anxiety on a much higher level than I do whenever we have a fight.

Sort of relevant for context: My parents have been married for 40 years and I grew up seeing them fight occasionally (sometimes screaming matches) but they are still married, and happily so. They are best friends. Her parents divorced when she was young and she doesn't really know why. Her mother remarried a few years ago and has a very happy second marriage and they never ever fight. We have had our share of problems from the beginning of our relationship but have managed to push through them, but they periodically rear their head. We can go long periods (months) without having a fight, but then suddenly will experience a period of a few months (like the period we are in now) where we have a disagreement about twice a week. The fights go like this: I notice my girlfriend is upset; I ask her what's wrong; she refuses to tell me; I have to push and push to get it out of her; she tells me and I don't agree or like what she's upset about; I feel attacked and defend myself; we go around and around in circles until it gets heated, I get angry, she cries and then questions whether we are suitable for each other. After two years together my girlfriend broke up with me because she said she was having anxiety from all the fights we were having. She said she didn't think the amount of fighting was normal in a relationship. We were apart for two weeks, but decided to give it another try eventually.

I don't think that we fight much by ordinary standards, and we never yell or scream or abuse each other. But they are frustrating, anxiety and stress inducing and end with her in tears, so I want to fix them.

The key to understanding our difficulties, I think, is what we fight about. She moved in with me six months ago. We live in a big house with three other house mates and have the downstairs to ourselves which is nice for space. Initially in our relationship we would fight about my friendships with other girls, and this has been the common theme. Most recently it is usually fights about my relationship with one of the other house mates. I will call her Rose. Rose and I get along very well (as friends). Rose is an attractive girl, but I am not attracted to her. I only have eyes for my girlfriend. My girlfriend has developed somewhat of an issue with Rose, but Rose has no idea. Rose is very nice, extroverted, chatty and her and I get a long superbly as friends. We enjoy each other's company. I don't see her much though - perhaps half an hour per day while cooking in the kitchen. My girlfriend likes Rose too and tells me this. My girlfriend says that she knows Rose and I aren't flirting, but she can just 'sense' something in the air and that we are both flirtatious people by nature. It began with her accusing me of staring at Rose inappropriately when Rose bent over to pick something up. This shocked me and I certainly didn't think I had done that. Whats more she said Rose deliberately bent over in front of me in order to entice me to look at her, when she could have kneeled down instead as that's what my girlfriend would have done. I thought this was going a bit far. Another time we went out for dinner with a large group of people, including Rose, and during the dinner my girlfriend told me I was looking at Rose too much. I really didn't think I was. Lately, If I go upstairs to make food or a cup of tea, when I get back my girlfriend will accuse me of taking too long up there and ask me what the hell I was doing, then we have a fight about that - sometimes I just like to hang out and have a chat with my house mates (not just Rose but the others too). And then there are the other fights - recently when she was upset and I was asking her what was wrong apparently I looked at myself in the mirror and adjusted my hair while asking her. This led to her telling me I wasn't genuine in asking how she was as I was focused on the mirror instead (I had just taken off my hat and the mirror was beside me while I was talking to her, and we had a big fight about that.

On another occasion, she said she was having such anxiety in her chest about me interacting with Rose, that could I please limit the amount of time I spend in the communal areas of the house? We had a big fight about that. I thought that was really unfair and controlling. She later backtracked on that and said she would never try to control me like that. Last nights fight sums up what usually happens quite well. It was Valentines Day - I had bought her some gifts, a nice card, and made her dinner. We spent a couple of hours together, then I went upstairs to make a cup of tea for myself. Then I sat outside in the cool evening air for half an hour. At one point Rose came outside for 30 seconds to check the temperature as she was going out and was deciding what to wear. We talked for ten seconds. My girlfriend then called me on my phone and asked could I come back inside to spend more quality time together. When I went back in I could immediately see on her face something was wrong (huge mood change from when I left). She asked me why the hell I stayed upstairs for half an hour, and she could see Rose "prancing around in front of me in her outfit". I disagreed, felt attacked, like I had done nothing wrong at all, and that she was reading the situation entirely differently to what had actually happened. We had a big fight and she started saying "there are guys out there I could be with who wouldn't treat me the way you do" AND "I don't deserve to be this upset, it isn't fair" as she was crying. She also said "it sends the message you would rather hang out with her or by yourself on Valentines Day than with me" and "it's embarrassing for me, because our house mates will be thinking there are problems in our relationship because we are not downstairs together on Valentines Day." I am used to this now, but I was a bit stunned, because in my mind all that had happened was that I stepped outside for a cup of tea for half an hour and I barely even saw Rose.

And then there are the times that she accuses me of looking at a girl on a bus when I'm not, or if I Google an actress on my phone it's an act of sneaking away to do something I shouldn't, or if I happen to look twice at a girl in the street she shuts down and won't talk to me for twenty minutes. For the record, I have two sisters and lots of close female friends, and all of them would agree that I am not the type to oggle women at all, though I will openly say I think a woman is attractive (like an actress or someone we know) but I will say that about a man being handsome too. I don't think that should be a problem. These things occur maybe on average once or twice a month, but since moving in with me and being around Rose, it has been weekly and is getting a bit much. It has gotten to the point where I am constantly microscoping my own behaviour - psychoanalysing myself - in case I might be doing something wrong that will upset her. I'm wondering if I've talked to this girl for too long, if I've looked too much, careful to avert my eyes, don't make her laugh too much, have I been upstairs for too long, what's too long, is 15 minutes ok? It's not healthy for me. We love each other though, and we we are not in this conflict mode we can go long periods without any trouble. I have suggested we go to counselling. She has agreed and says she wants to try and fix it too, but she also sometimes says she thinks we are just too different and there would be guys out there who would instinctively just know not to do all the things wrong that I do.

We've booked a counsellor for next week. Do you think it will help us? What do you think the problem is here? Am I not being sensitive enough to her needs and feelings? I feel torn between standing up for myself and not saying "yes dear, sorry dear" every time there's a problem, but also wanting to set her mind and heart at ease and make her feel better as well. I do love her.

PS. Obviously this is just a big list of our problems, but largely the relationship is a happy one. Just lately it hasn't been and I would like to get back to that good place. Any help/advice/perspective will be appreciated. Sorry for the length!

Almost there...

I read from the beginning but I had to stop,wetin na chooo see epistle ontop woman matter chai.
I won't lie I don't feel your pain