If you’ve been hurt before, self-sabotage can end your relationship before it starts. Learn how to stop pushing people away. Embrace the love you deserve.

No matter how badly you want a relationship to work out or how happy you are with your partner, if you’ve been hurt before it is like a chemical reaction. You push people away. If you want to find happiness again, you must learn how to stop pushing people away.

Whether you’ve been dumped, cheated on, or even betrayed, getting close to someone again can make your subconscious work in overdrive to prevent you from being hurt again. It is a form of self-preservation.

It is our mind’s defense mechanism. We push away the people that make us the happiest or that we love the most. We are terrified of getting hurt again.

stop pushing people

Even when it isn’t rational or logical, sometimes we feel like we just can’t help it. We hurt the people closest to us before they can hurt us. We leave them before they can leave us. And it sucks. When you push people away, you are sabotaging your own potential happiness.

[Read: Here’s how to learn to trust again when you’ve been hurt]

Why you push people away

When we fall into the trap of self-sabotage there are hundreds, if not thousands, of possible reasons for it. Maybe you were cheated on or lied to or had a rough childhood. Maybe you have trust issues or have been left before.

When you’ve been hurt in any way, your mind and body expects it to happen again. It is only natural to protect yourself from going through the pain you went through before.

We don’t want to risk that pain and heartbreak again, so we push people away before they can do it to us. The thing is, even without red flags or any practical reason, the fear lives within us.

For instance, for five years I had a dysfunctional boyfriend. On and off but he repeatedly lied and cheated. After that I was single for a while, years actually, and thought I had taken enough time to move on.

Although I was over him, the pain I went through was still fresh in my mind. It prevented me from getting close to anyone else. Even if I met someone who gave me no reason to doubt them, I was hesitant. I didn’t want to be vulnerable because I didn’t want to go through the same pain.

I didn’t let myself truly be happy because it would hurt more if my heart broke. That’s what we do. We keep people at a distance. When we get close to the happiness we truly want, we push people away.

In reality, this is a disservice to ourselves. We are trapped by the pattern of our past and halts the potential of our future.

We don’t push people away because we are heartless or mean. It may be due to some selfishness. We are terrified. So, we protect ourselves by hurting those that truly care about us.

Thankfully, this isn’t permanent. You can break out of this cycle and learn how to stop pushing people away.

How you push people away

While some of us push people away right before things get really good, others barely let their walls down at all.

Some push people away when things get too serious. Others push people away when they see even a glimpse of suspicion or fear. You could be in a great relationship, but if your partner shares their fears for the future with you, instead of sharing yours as well, you run in the opposite direction.

You might overreact to small arguments or start a fight out of nothing. You might even ghost or start flaking on plans so that you can force them to end things with you now before you become even more invested.

In this way, you are your own worst enemy. When learning how to stop pushing people away, recognize your behavior. Because these fears often settle into our subconscious, and we may not actively realize what we’re doing before it is too late.

#1 You’re controlling. Telling your partner what to do whether it is obvious or manipulative is the perfect way to push someone away. It creates a rift. The intimacy and trust are broken and forces the relationship to run on control.

This is your way of never taking a risk or possibly letting them hurt you.

#2 You’re jealous. Jealousy can be a natural thing, but when it is out of control it can really push someone away. Think about Ross and Rachel from Friends. Ross’s irrational jealousy of Mark, Rachel’s coworker, drove them apart.

His jealousy didn’t come from anything Rachel or Mark did but from his past relationship with Carol. His fear of being left for someone else led him to the end of his relationship.

#3 You’re cold. This is something I have picked up on in my life. In my earlier dating years, I was touchy-feely with whoever I dated. I loved to hold hands and cuddle, but after being hurt I noticed myself being more stoic and cold.

Instead of hugging someone back or giving in to a kiss, I always held back. This was a defense mechanism so I could be sure that I wasn’t giving too much of myself and possibly be rejected.

#4 You don’t think you deserve it. Once hurt, your self-esteem breaks down and you wonder if you really deserve to be happy. So, when you meet someone that could really make you happy, you let that uncertainty and low confidence take over.

It shows your new partner that you aren’t confident in your connection and can make them think you aren’t in it.

Source: https://examprestige.com/how-to-stop-pushing-people-away