still here by esosa kola


do you ever remember some things and wished you’d done them differently?

like the time you cooked a meal and it didn’t turn out well.

like the time someone shouted at you but you couldn’t defend yourself.

like the time you hurt someone and wished you’d take it back.

lila wished things didn’t end this way with daniel.

and that’s why her fingers hover on the dial button as heaviness settles in her throat.

it’s hard to breathe when anytime from now, she’d drop down on her knees and cry.

just maybe if she gets this off her chest like ms. sola, the therapist advised, everything will be better.

lila knows it won’t but she has to try.

try to revisit her past.

try to heal.

try to… move on?

lila swallows the lump in her throat, her stomach twisting.

call him.

lila strolls to her bed, fingers clutched around her phone.

the pain deep in her heart is like a spider web, intricate & strong.

what will she say?

“sorry for letting you down?”

“sorry for betraying you?”

lila rolls over her back and stares at the ceiling.

the darkness slowly becomes distorted from the tear blurring her eyes.

when things were great, she’d switch off the light, sit by the window & watch the stars.

she’d call daniel and describe the view… he’d laugh at her.

“what kind of nigerian watches the stars?” he’d ask.

but now, everything is bleak, dark with nothing but pain tugging at her heart.

she lets the pain eat deep as she tastes her salty tears.

her lips tremble as she wraps her arm around herself, breathing in and out sharply.

if he hadn’t seen her that night…

if she never tried to get his attention… or tried to get back at him.

if he never left the party with anger.

then…an apology would’ve made sense. daniel would still be here.

and not 6ft under the ground.


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