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Stats: 2,486,717 members, 5,635,239 topics. Date: Wednesday, 03 June 2020 at 12:52 AM
|Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by deji85: 9:06pm On May 23|
I had to register a new account to post this to hide my identity. I apologise for the long post.
My marriage will be 3 years in Decemeber but I am becoming increasingly very unhappy with my marriage.
My source of unhappiness is that my wife has no or has lost any ambition in life. Before we got married she was working and she always mentioned how she was saving to start her business and all that. I was really impressed with most of the plans she had. After marriage she quit her job saying it was too time consuming which I supported.
She decided to start her business(a boutique) I gave her the money and after about 4 months without starting, when I asked, she said she was duped(4m gone). All efforts to get who she paid money to yielded no result. After about 3 months of her staying home I asked her what she wanted to do next and she said she wants to learn fashion design and try to build her brand.
We paid 350k for her to learn which she said she was done after 8 months. She got a shop, we equipped it and she started. I was really happy but 5 months down the line she said she was tired that it was not moving that she wants to turn the shop to a saloon, another expense and she had her saloon, shop rent was due after a few months and I paid. Barely 6 months after rent renewal she said she was tired(again) and she closed the shop. She was just staying home all day 6 months passed and no change.
I asked her again if she was just going to remain like this, she said she is still figuring out what to do next. 1 year passed same situation, stay home, follow all gist/gossip on social media(of which I'm tired of hearing) her friends 2 of them are also like her jobless and clearly not interested in getting busy. Most recently she requested I buy her own car. I told her we don't need 2 cars, I work from home so 1 car is enough for us she gave me cold shoulder for a few days because of this. Next anniversary is in December and she has already started searching which country we will mark the anniversary. Not that this is bad but her lack of ambition in life is eating me up. she seems satisfied just staying home and doing nothing. I don't know how to get her to be serious with life. I am far from happy in this marriage.
As she insisted, every month I give her 95k to run the home. Though i feel this is much for 2 people, I figured she might want to send something to her younger siblings and mum once in a while so I agreed.
If anyone has had deal with this or has any advise please kindly comment.
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by funmisticqueen2: 9:12pm On May 23|
deji85:Your wife has become lazy and amotivated.
I thought she was depressed at first, but that isn't the case.
Does she use marijuana?
Or maybe she just wants to be a housewife and doesn't know how to say it. A lot of women are shamed for being housewives nowadays, but i personally see nothing nwrong with being one.
I think whay you should do is take her to see a psychologist. She can't be unproductive to society and be using your hard earnings to do trialband error with her life.
Or you could choose to 'lose' your job and cut expenses, including her monthly salary. While you pretend to 'hustle' for job. Lets see how she will react.
She's giving women a bad name.
That we broke shame men, doesn't mean women should be irresponsible leeches too. You are a good man op, because many men will start to treat her like trash and you haven't.
You need to start being firm with her and tell her no.
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by howmarket2: 9:13pm On May 23|
guy which kind business you dey run from home? way your woman the get this kind confidence.abeg share with a brother cos if na me I for don run that woman down with that your only car.abeg show me watin you dey do from home. I promise I no go run any body down when I buy my moto.but if she try tell me about second car... I ll run her...
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by Kseafresh(m): 9:14pm On May 23|
If i was a Woman, My prayers every day as a single lady would be to jam an Atm machine like You.. Even Verve no reach you.. 24 Gun Salute!!!
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by yvelchstores(f): 9:18pm On May 23|
tell her how you feel.
there is need for you both to cut down cost and save more .
95k per month for 2 persons...how much will it be after you've had a baby in the family...180k?
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by ObongBona(m): 9:20pm On May 23|
You are now the work horse. I very much understand your condition. What I would do, would be to reduce her allowances. Make her to understand that if anything happens to you or your business, the family would be in a mess. I don't just understand how some people reason. When you even get to know that the capital is available for her to get something doing, and support the family.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by sisisioge: 9:25pm On May 23|
You are the source of your own unhappiness as an enabler. All that investment and you kept coming through for her! Chai! If she had borrowed from the bank would she have been that unconcerned.
Well, dry up the money well until further notice biko. Hian! Pretend that your inflow has dwindled for now. Good luck.
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by Ghostrye(m): 9:25pm On May 23|
Congratulations sir, you've won yourself a liability
But on a serious note, talk to her not all those 2 minutes jist, but a serious talk about how you feel and how you want your expenses and income as a family to be. Whatever misgivings she has will show face when you talk
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by Righteousness89(m): 9:26pm On May 23|
Evil Communication corrupts good Manners!
Her Friends seem to be her Major Distraction
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by ibkayee(f): 9:26pm On May 23|
She was more active before marriage, as according to you she was working and saving to start her own business. That doesn’t sound like someone who downright lacks ambition to me.
What exactly happened once she got married that is slowing down her drive? Is it depression? Housework? Child care? (For example, was she juggling all of this with work on her own?) The switch just seems a bit out of the ordinary
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by decatalyst(m): 9:28pm On May 23|
A very huge liability that wants all the best things of life.
Oluwa help all the youth yet to marry oo
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by LadySarah(f): 9:29pm On May 23|
Uwa ezuoke In deed. Those who have shoe have no leg those with leg don't have shoes. So many women are looking for as little as 10k to start a biz while another has had several wasted.
Oga, you have tried really. There's little or nothing you can do anymore except to go slow with handing her much money. She needs to work out something for herself even to give to her siblings or help her get a job.
You have won for yourself a trophy wife. That's what Igbos call Oriaku(The eater of wealth ) . By the time babies come coupled with LiB, zee world and Telemundo, you will need a family meeting.
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by lilyheaven: 9:35pm On May 23|
She doesn't have passion for all that, my opinion
You have spoilt her with money, so what's the need for hustling for more money when you can comfortably take care of the bills
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by ecolime(m): 9:43pm On May 23|
Honestly, 3 years is more than enough to come up with a business/trade plan but you've still gotta encourage her and please don't give up on her.
BTW, my actual interest is the 90k upkeep expenses. What exactly does it cater for? Only feeding?
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by lilyheaven: 9:43pm On May 23|
180k won't be enough for them o , 500 @ minimum
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by dingbang(m): 9:48pm On May 23|
Tufia..... A Lazy woman irritates me
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by deji85: 9:53pm On May 23|
Thanks for the responses. I sometimes also feel I would have withheld somethings initially and not give into all requests. I just want her to have something herself, something she wakes up and looks forward to. I'm not asking her to do so because i want help with the bills, I'm lucky to have a job which pays in USD while I spend in naira.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by Ningen(m): 9:55pm On May 23|
Your wife is too comfortable.
You need to get her out of “her” zone.
Give her one-third of the normal upkeep money. Insist that things are hard & she needs to help.
Keep it up for as long as possible.
That should motivate her to do something.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by brunnette4real: 9:56pm On May 23|
chei...I wsh I have a husband that is soo supportive lile you,I am a fashin designer and work from home its not easy at all getting customers.
I wish I had a shop to showcase my works and add another biz to it.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by deji85: 9:56pm On May 23|
It's for our feeding I also know her siblings ask for help and I don't want her asking me for money to send all the time.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by bujebudanu1(m): 9:57pm On May 23|
Family of 2. So probably there's no or little chores to do
She's just being lazy.
Follow all latest gists and already searching for another honeymoon in this pandemic
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by bukatyne(f): 10:02pm On May 23|
Your wife reminds me of a theory: some people put up characteristics they think a prospective spouse would like and dump it after the goal: marriage.
Your wife said she saved money for the business; at no point did you mention that she brought out her funds for the first business.
Also, people who really wants to transition from paid employment into business take baby steps while working and quit when they have a sense of stability.
Also, your wife stopped working without your consent.
Have a tete a tete with her and let her tell you want she wants to do and let her put her money where her mouth is.
What that means is that if she is so intent on any venture, she should invest first in it.
For instance, she wants to sew, let her save up and register herself or train herself after which you can invest in the venture.
As per money: you manange the resources of the home. This is a big responsibility and means you are in charge financially and have to lead your home financial to a very good place especially as your wife is not financially responsible.
Every spending, weigh it: is it necessary? Can we afford it? Does it tie into our financial goals? Etc.
You also need to be investing short term and long term.
I wish you goodluck.
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by ibkayee(f): 10:03pm On May 23|
bujebudanu1:Ok, I missed the part about it just being the 2 of them, that's what I get for skimming.
Don't think the possibility of depression and housework needs to be struck out though lol. Maybe she's trying to transition into a housewife, or maybe it is actually some of those things that I mentioned (minus childcare)
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by deji85: 10:04pm On May 23|
She doesn't do drugs. Each time I question her about just staying like this she dismisses it with she's still trying to figure it out. I happen to have a home office and not happy seeing her just at home day in day out.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by sweetmelanin(f): 10:05pm On May 23|
It's very much possible that a woman can just decide to be lazy after marriage especially when the husband is a high earner...
.. we don't even know if she has a maid sef so let's not make excuses for laziness please.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by Uneed2talk: 10:12pm On May 23|
This was what I was hammering on in my topic yesterday. Inbuilt laziness, you hardly notice it if the person is still working. Your mistake was letting her stop that job. Her type mostly do well on a ready platform, they lack the motivation and perseverance to build from the scratch. Op, as long as you continue to provide she will scarcely get up.
That 4m was too much for a person who has never done business before, she didn't do feasibility study well before taking a full dive. The fashion thing may have worked but she couldn't be patient either and probably not good in the tailoring.
Stop asking her what to do, either you set up a business where another manages and she supervise the other people or you start something from small for her, put someone good like good hair dressers in a saloon and let it grow, stop throwing huge sums for something you are not sure or better still bring her into what you do.
You will have to be her push till she can move on her own like a "push and start car". The earlier you realise this, stop complaining and start pushing her the better because she's already your cross and I believe she is good in other areas, also thank God you have money to pick up again.
Very importantly, watch out for any of your child that may pick this trait from her and start pushing the child early to correct it on time.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by deji85: 10:14pm On May 23|
We have a 3 bedroom of which 1 is my home office. We don't have a maid and I don't think we need 1. Maybe I shouldn't have disclosed my earnings, maybe I shouldn't have given all she asked for in the early stage I don't know but i grew up in a home where my parents knew what each earned.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by crackland: 10:14pm On May 23|
She feels she has arrived and her intention is to enjoy life under the financial benevolence of her husband...I've seen this happen before, not even once.
You simply need to take control and tell her you're having none of that.
However you choose to do this, is really up to you.
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by ibkayee(f): 10:15pm On May 23|
sweetmelanin:This is also a possibility, I didn't mention it in my first post but I don't rule it out
I'm not making excuses sha, sometimes there's more to a story. It could definitely just be her being lazy, but it could also be something else
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by deji85: 10:18pm On May 23|
You read my mind in your last paragraph, we don't have a child yet but I can't say proudly that I want a daugther that will be like my wife neither do I want to raise sons who think this is normal.
She is good in other areas, she respectful my family especially my mom loves her deeply.
|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by ecolime(m): 10:22pm On May 23|
deji85:90k for feeding is on the high side for 2 adults. Don't reduce the amount to avoid issues.
She can make hair and also sew, these 2 skills will come handy when the kids start coming. Trust me, you will be glad she learnt them especially if you have girls.
My wife learnt hair making during her pre-NYSC days and my baby girl is enjoying it now. She's an offshore worker but we all enjoy the fruits of the various skills she learnt whenever she's around.
Anyway, I have a solution to your dilemma. That's if you are free lancer since you said you work from home. It's very simple. TEACH HER YOUR WORK. If it's not too technical, teach her what you do. Win the projects (Be the sole face of your project) but assign work to her. With these, you will get more jobs done, your productivity will increase, you earn more dollars and your client will keep giving you jobs. Don't forget you gonna be less burdened with work.
Let her know that's the only way she can contribute to the family. It's a win win situation for everyone. You have a complete woman- a wife, personal staff, partner, hair dresser for your girls (if you later have), tailor for the kids, a contributor to the home finance and an home teacher for the kids.
Please engage your wife, she's just blank business wise and bored.
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|Re: Her Lack Of Ambition Is Killing My Happiness. by tyup(m): 10:22pm On May 23|
Baba ur the source of ur problems here....what do u need help for when yr the determining factor
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