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Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story - Family - Nairaland

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Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Kehl(m): 3:22pm On Aug 24, 2020
Let me tell you a story…. A true life story

Nneka was a young, beautiful and ambitious lady, she had big dreams for her life. She wanted to further her education, she wanted to be a professional, she wanted to travel the world. She got a good job as a single lady and was gradually following her dreams, and then love struck. She met a charming young man.. David. Nneka had already travelled a few times out of the country before she got serious with David.

David was a loving sweet gentle man, he also had ambitions and big dreams, she loved him and he loved her…. then they got married. Marriage came with different demands and new responsibilities. David asked her to resign while he concentrated on building his career so she can be there for the children and take care of the home while running a business. She was to manage the business.

David never asked if Nneka was a business person or if that was what she really wanted. Nneka on the other hand accepted this request because she wanted her husband to be happy and she wanted her home to be fine (she thought)

Fast forward to 25 years after marriage, David fell sick …it was cancer and he didn’t survive. But one thing was certain, he died fulfilled or almost fulfilled. He was in his place career wise and was getting better just before he fell sick.

Nneka today is almost 60 but she’s kinda sad. She’s always reminiscing on her early years as a young woman, thinking about her aborted dreams and what life would have been like if she had not given up on her ambitions. It’s mostly regret for her, asides that she finds consolation in her children and her grandchildren. They seem to be her major achievements, which to her, doesn’t seem satisfactory enough.

I’m sad because I see this circle repeat every day…. So this is a message to young men and young women out there…

For the ladies

Sometimes you give up your dreams and sacrifice your ambitions in the euphoria of a marriage promise, or a marriage, forgetting that the excitement is only temporary and that reality would hit again soon especially when the chips are down.

When we go into a relationship that would potentially lead to marriage, we sometimes leave out some of the most important points to consider, one of which is our individual life plans, and our potential partner’s commitment in helping us achieve our life goals.

I know when two people get married, they become one… But actually, it’s still two different individuals, with different minds, and different dreams. And of course these individual differences will still play out even when they became one.

Ladies…

Before accepting that marriage proposal, discuss your dreams and ambitions and make sure he is committed to seeing you achieve your dreams, while you also show commitment in helping him achieve his.

Don’t be forced or cajoled into buying his dreams at the expense of yours. You both can support your individual dreams

Men….

It shouldn’t always be about you. Have you asked her what her plans are? Her dreams, her ambitions… she shouldn’t join you in fulfilling your ambition while she gives up hers. Trust me she may seem happy that you are happy and she may not voice out, but she could be full of regrets and unhappiness deep down. There should be a balance because we are all humans.

But of course…

If your biggest ambition as a lady is to get married and have kids, then by all means go ahead and disregard this message.

And if your partner is happy to share homely responsibilities and shows the desired commitment to see that both of you achieve your life goals, appreciate them and be equally supportive.

I know this goes both ways, but we live in a society were men are mostly particular about their wives and girlfriends joining them to build their thing and achieve their dreams without due considerations of her personal ambition… we always say “it’s for us” but what about her, is that what she really wants?

It’s okay to support your husband, infact you should do it… but husbands, it’s equally okay and fair to support your wife and help her achieve her own dreams.

If there is good planning, you both can achieve your individual goals, though it may take a little time. But first, there must be a will to support each other, and both parties must value and see each other’s dream as important.

What has caused so much disaffection in many homes today, especially when its coming from the wife, is the frustration of seeing her dreams and ambitions go down the drain for the marriage.

Encourage and support your angry wife to pursue her lifelong ambitions and see her become the happy and bubbly woman you once knew.

7 Likes

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by GboyegaD(m): 3:38pm On Aug 24, 2020
So true. I remember a discussion with a lady on number of children, school they would attend etc and her response was a complete turn off. Imagine, someone willing to sacrifice all her ambition to be a good wife.

I realized then that quite a number of Nigerian women, finding a man to marry is their biggest ambition.

5 Likes

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Klass99(f): 3:55pm On Aug 24, 2020
GboyegaD:
So true. I remember a discussion with a lady on number of children, school they would attend etc and her response was a complete turn off. Imagine, someone willing to sacrifice all her ambition to be a good wife.

I realized then that to quite a number of Nigerian women, finding a man to marry is their biggest ambition.

Lol grin not all of us. But, e be like say dem use marriage swear for us in Africa sha!

Interestingly, I just stumbled on a twitter thread where a the author said ''Do not rush into marriage, or you will regret it.''

A female user responded to say she is 26 and unhappy that she is not yet married. Another responded to her saying I am 26 and married but I wish I had waited to get a better job first and to establish my fashion design business before getting married.

I responded to the second 26 year old and asked her if marriage was stopping her from achieving the things she mentioned. She said no but it has made it harder for her to attain them - which I quite understand.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by GboyegaD(m): 4:07pm On Aug 24, 2020
Klass99:


Lol grin not all of us. But, e be like say dem use marriage swear for us in Africa sha!

Interestingly, I just stumbled on a twitter thread where a the author said ''Do not rush into marriage, or you will regret it.''

A female user responded to say she is 26 and

Guess we need some education about maturity and age. Many do not understand that they are not synonymous and maturity is in phases.

1 Like

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Hathor5(f): 4:08pm On Aug 24, 2020
David had everything, a family and a career.

I know someone very close to me who is full of regrets always repeating how she has sacrificed everything for her children and grandchildren. 30 minutes with that person and you feel depleted of all energy.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 4:08pm On Aug 24, 2020
Kehl:
Let me tell you a story…. A true life story


When we go into a relationship that would potentially lead to marriage, we sometimes leave out some of the most important points to consider, one of which is our individual life plans, and our potential partner’s commitment in helping us achieve our life goals.

Before accepting that marriage proposal, discuss your dreams and ambitions and make sure he is committed to seeing you achieve your dreams, while you also show commitment in helping him achieve his.

Don’t be forced or cajoled into buying his dreams at the expense of yours. You both can support your individual dreams




@Topic:

The problem is not the support or lack of; the problem was the highlighted in addition to lack of communication.

A woman should discover/ know herself before getting married; it automatically weeds out unaligned spouses. Unfortunately, a number of women don't discover themselves and marry spouses who cannot provide the support they require.

Nneka should have also told David at a point that she wasn't content with managing his business and they work out something that is fine with both parties. When the kids grew out of infancy, she could have pursued her dreams.

Many women have kids and still conquer the world.

Besides, it is not too late; I presume she has the resources to still achieve some of those dreams e.g. travelling the world. If she likes education, she can further and go into lecturing and even become a professor sef. smiley

And please let's not blame David who did right by his wife. He is not a mind reader, if Nneka was not content with business, she should spoken out.

Modified: Let me modify the OP I quoted before some people bite me. grin tongue

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 4:09pm On Aug 24, 2020
GboyegaD:
So true. I remember a discussion with a lady on number of children, school they would attend etc and her response was a complete turn off. Imagine, someone willing to sacrifice all her ambition to be a good wife.

I realized then that quite a number of Nigerian women, finding a man to marry is their biggest ambition.

Some people are content with the simple things of life.

It would do well to marry a man who appreciates that quality she is bringing.

2 Likes

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Klass99(f): 4:22pm On Aug 24, 2020
GboyegaD:


Guess we need some education about maturity and age. Many do not understand that they are not synonymous and maturity is in phases.

My network just went off, before I completed my post, it's completed now though.
Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by GboyegaD(m): 4:32pm On Aug 24, 2020
bukatyne:


Some people are content with the simple things of life.

It would do well to marry a man who appreciates that quality she is bringing.

Well, we all have what we like. For me, the quality is key and so is the ambition. I don't want a wife who sees the world from my lens.

Truth is one can get both because marriage generally changes both sexes. So many things to drop and so many things to learn.
Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Kehl(m): 4:35pm On Aug 24, 2020
bukatyne:


@Topic:

The problem is not the support or lack of; the problem was the highlighted in addition to lack of communication.

A woman should discover/ know herself before getting married; it automatically weeds out unaligned spouses. Unfortunately, a number of women don't discover themselves and marry spouses who cannot provide the support they require.

You're right, but then... That's exactly why I said that for those who feel that marriage is is it for them, they should disregard the message.

Nneka should have also told David at a point that she wasn't content with managing his business and they work out something that is fine with both parties. When the kids grew out of infancy, she could have pursued her dreams.

Many women have kids and still conquer the world.

It's easier said than done... It's difficult to start again after a long time.. Especially if there were no initial plans to go back. At that point, a lot would be put into consideration.

Besides, it is not too late; I presume she has the resources to still achieve some of those dreams e.g. travelling the world. If she likes education, she can further and go into lecturing and even become a professor sef. smiley

True... But like I said before, it's easier said.. The hard work is in the doing.. Especially in this part of the world. If I'm permitted, I'll share a survey of so many married women with same story. They thought they could go back, but a whole lot of things come with marriage.. It all ended in wishes

And please let's not blame David who did right by his wife. He is not a mind reader, if Nneka was not content with business, she should spoken out.

Some men, even after talking, they don't take it seriously... They would only pay lip service but won't show commitment. They would come up with a thousand reason why it should be their way.

Modified: Let me modify the OP I quoted before some people bite me. grin tongue

1 Like

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 4:38pm On Aug 24, 2020
GboyegaD:


Well, we all have what we like. For me, the quality is key and so is the ambition. I don't want a wife who sees the world from my lens.

Truth is one can get both because marriage generally changes both sexes. So many things to drop and so many things to learn.

I am assuming you mean one can get both marriage and their ambition?

If yes, it was when I got to NL I learn marriage 'stops' women's dreams.

I grew up with female professors, teachers, leaders, bankers, pastors etc. (whatever they wanted even if it was stay at home mothering {which was frowned upon sha}). Even my female senior colleagues are married, the single ones are the outliers and praying to be married.

So the natural thing for me was school, a bit of work, marriage and continue building your career, purpose, life, whatever.

Even most of the top women in Nigeria we admire in today are married; it is here I have read 'marriage' stops women or is a bondage to them.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 4:39pm On Aug 24, 2020
Kehl, please re-quote me so I respond to you.
Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Kehl(m): 4:55pm On Aug 24, 2020
@Topic:

The problem is not the support or lack of; the problem was the highlighted in addition to lack of communication.

A woman should discover/ know herself before getting married; it automatically weeds out unaligned spouses. Unfortunately, a number of women don't discover themselves and marry spouses who cannot provide the support they require.

Nneka should have also told David at a point that she wasn't content with managing his business and they work out something that is fine with both parties. When the kids grew out of infancy, she could have pursued her dreams.

Many women have kids and still conquer the world.

Besides, it is not too late; I presume she has the resources to still achieve some of those dreams e.g. travelling the world. If she likes education, she can further and go into lecturing and even become a professor sef. smiley

And please let's not blame David who did right by his wife. He is not a mind reader, if Nneka was not content with business, she should spoken out.

Modified: Let me modify the OP I quoted before some people bite me. grin tongue[/quote]

[quote author=bukatyne post=93176350]

@Topic:

The problem is not the support or lack of; the problem was the highlighted in addition to lack of communication.

A woman should discover/ know herself before getting married; it automatically weeds out unaligned spouses. Unfortunately, a number of women don't discover themselves and marry spouses who cannot provide the support they require.

You're right, but then... That's exactly why I said that for those who feel that marriage is is it for them, they should disregard the message.

Nneka should have also told David at a point that she wasn't content with managing his business and they work out something that is fine with both parties. When the kids grew out of infancy, she could have pursued her dreams.

Many women have kids and still conquer the world.

It's easier said than done... It's difficult to start again after a long time.. Especially if there were no initial plans to go back. At that point, a lot would be put into consideration.

Besides, it is not too late; I presume she has the resources to still achieve some of those dreams e.g. travelling the world. If she likes education, she can further and go into lecturing and even become a professor sef. smiley

True... But like I said before, it's easier said.. The hard work is in the doing.. Especially in this part of the world. If I'm permitted, I'll share a survey of so many married women with same story. They thought they could go back, but a whole lot of things come with marriage.. It all ended in wishes

And please let's not blame David who did right by his wife. He is not a mind reader, if Nneka was not content with business, she should spoken out.

Some men, even after talking, they don't take it seriously... They would only pay lip service but won't show commitment. They would come up with a thousand reason why it should be their way.

For every woman who achieved their dreams, there are a whole lot more who couldn't... And they wallow in regret.

4 Likes

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 5:22pm On Aug 24, 2020
Kehl:


1. You're right, but then... That's exactly why I said that for those who feel that marriage is is it for them, they should disregard the message.

2. It's easier said than done... It's difficult to start again after a long time.. Especially if there were no initial plans to go back. At that point, a lot would be put into consideration.

3. True... But like I said before, it's easier said.. The hard work is in the doing.. Especially in this part of the world. If I'm permitted, I'll share a survey of so many married women with same story. They thought they could go back, but a whole lot of things come with marriage.. It all ended in wishes

4. Some men, even after talking, they don't take it seriously... They would only pay lip service but won't show commitment. They would come up with a thousand reason why it should be their way.

5. For every woman who achieved their dreams, there are a whole lot more who couldn't... And they wallow in regret.

What you have done is pass the buck from the woman to the man like she cannot take full agency of her own life.

I agree that a choice of spouse (husband) is very critical to achieving your dreams; that is why women should choose well. If you don't know yourself enough to choose someone that aligns with you or change after marriage, there MIGHT be serious issues.

1. I don't understand this point

2. Like you said, no initial plans to go back. Is David to be blamed for Nneka's lack of drive to go back to her dreams?

3. And I am telling you that a lot of women did what they wanted to do IN marriage. It would be actually good to survey them so we can pin-point what went wrong: If they are honest enough.

4. And is this quality manifesting after marriage? Is he that way for the woman's ambitions or for EVERYTHING she brings up? DID she have these ambitions prior to marriage? What is the man's vision for a family? What is the woman's vision for a family?

5. The question is WHY?

Do you know if David had unfulfilled dreams which he forgot because he has to fend for a family? I know people who want to retire at 40 but life aka bills laughed them to scorn and they wake up each day to the grind to fend for their families.

Another question is: What is the difference between married women who are able to pull it off and married women who did not?

Marriage as an institution is not the problem.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Klass99(f): 5:22pm On Aug 24, 2020
Hathor5:
David had everything, a family and a career.

I know someone very close to me who is full of regrets always repeating how she has sacrificed everything for her children and grandchildren. 30 minutes with that person and you feel depleted of all energy.


You just described my favourite female cousin. She is full of regrets like the second 26 year old in my first post and she wishes she had waited to better establish herself financially before getting hitched. She had a good job right after her service year, but that same year she said yes to a marriage proposal and gave up her job in Abuja, to join her husband in his home state. Life hasn't been as sweet as she knew it, prior to marriage.

When she visited me some years ago, I didn't like how she was looking and she talked about needing new underwear. So, I said great we'll go shopping, for more than just underwear. Don't worry about funds, it will be my treat to you on this trip. We got to the market and guess what my baby girl did?

She shopped not for herself but her 4 kids, buying them school items, from plain white undies to sandals etc, as school was about to reopen for a new session. I was like, aren't you going to buy the stuff you said you needed? We came here for you, the money I gave you was for you. Where is your husband's provision for these school items? All my plenty exclamations fell on deaf ears, she said you won't understand.

All the while I stood in that market watching her, my heart was also breaking for her. Because, she really needed female stuff as a woman, but she put her kids first. We left that market with just a single bra for her and I couldn't help thinking to myself, I can't do this! I cannot do this oo! I don't like the way children take over a person's life.

My cousin's life and the way it has turned out, is one of the reasons I worry for women who want more than two kids. Shey, if she had 2 kids, she would have been able to shop for them and still shop for herself and hubby that day? Being a parent shouldn't mean the end of your life as an individual or the end of nice things for yourself either, have a number of children you can reasonably take care of and still look after yourself too.

That trip was a painful one for me, because I love this cousin to pieces and to see her looking shabby in appearance the way she did and still leaving my base the same way, really broke my heart. Las las, I said let my stylist at least braid your hair before you leave, she said just give me the money it will pay me more than braiding hair undecided I gave her the money, plus transportation back home and a few of my clothing items that fitted her. Just thinking about her as I write this, hurts. Are these things (marriage & children) worth the enormous sacrifices and stress? Not for me abeg, especially the part about children.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Jullima(f): 5:25pm On Aug 24, 2020
If you are a woman and you want to have a career and a family, make sure you’re on the path to said career where you can juggle both once you get married. So, write and pass all your exams, get your foot in the door etc. set it up in such a way, your career seamlessly blends in with your married life, the only ‘break’ you should take is a maternity leave. I have seen cases where a man will promise his fiancée he will support her in achieving her career while they’re married and switch up on her once they say “I do”.

Those that will tell you it’s piece of cake to pick up your career whenever you like, that’s misleading and a falsehood.

The economy and job market is telling us a different story.

Single and unencumbered men and women can’t even get jobs, the Nigerian labour market is very ageist and very reliant on experience that you can’t afford to take too long a break.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Kehl(m): 5:53pm On Aug 24, 2020
bukatyne:


What you have done is pass the buck from the woman to the man like she cannot take full agency of her own life.

I agree that a choice of spouse (husband) is very critical to achieving your dreams; that is why women should choose well. If you don't know yourself enough to choose someone that aligns with you or change after marriage, there MIGHT be serious issues.

1. I don't understand this point

2. Like you said, no initial plans to go back. Is David to be blamed for Nneka's lack of drive to go back to her dreams?

3. And I am telling you that a lot of women did what they wanted to do IN marriage. It would be actually good to survey them so we can pin-point what went wrong: If they are honest enough.

4. And is this quality manifesting after marriage? Is he that way for the woman's ambitions or for EVERYTHING she brings up? DID she have these ambitions prior to marriage? What is the man's vision for a family? What is the woman's vision for a family?

5. The question is WHY?

Do you know if David had unfulfilled dreams which he forgot because he has to fend for a family? I know people who want to retire at 40 but life aka bills laughed them to scorn and they wake up each day to the grind to fend for their families.

Another question is: What is the difference between married women who are able to pull it off and married women who did not?

Marriage as an institution is not the problem.

Of course marriage as an institution is not the problem but the individuals who makes up the marriage.They decide the success of the marriage by their actions and inactions

like I said before, a lot of things can be easily said and concluded but it becomes an entirely different thing in reality.

3 Likes

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Hathor5(f): 6:06pm On Aug 24, 2020
Klass99:


You just described my favourite female cousin. She is full of regrets like the second 26 year old in my first post and she wishes she had waited to better establish herself financially before getting hitched. She had a good job right after her service year, but that same year she said yes to a marriage proposal and gave up her job in Abuja, to join her husband in his home state. Life hasn't been as sweet as she knew it prior to marriage.

When she visited me some years ago, I didn't like how she was looking and she talked about needing new underwear. So, I said great we'll go shopping for more than just underwear. Don't worry about funds, it will be my treat to you on this trip. We got to the market and guess what my baby girl did?

She shopped not for herself but her 4 kids, buying them school items, from plain white undies to sandals etc, as school was about to reopen for a new session. I was like, aren't you going to buy the stuff you said you needed? We came here for you, the money I gave you was for you. Where is your husband's provision for these items? All my plenty exclamations fell on deaf ears, she said you won't understand.

All the while I stood in that market watching her, my heart was also breaking for her. Because, she really needed female things as a woman, but she put her kids first. We left that market with just a single bra for her and I couldn't help thinking to myself, I can't do this! I cannot do this oooooo!! I don't like the way children take over a person's life.

My cousin's life and the way it has turned out, is one of the reasons I worry for women who want more than two kids. Shey, if she had 2 kids, she would have been able to shop for them and still shop for herself and hubby that day? That trip was a painful one for me, because I love this cousin to pieces and to see her looking shabby in appearance the way she did and still leaving my base that same way, really broke my heart.

Las las, I said let my stylist at least braid your hair before you leave, she said just give me the money it will pay me more than braiding hair undecided I gave her the money, plus transportation back home and a few of my clothing items that fitted her. Just thinking about her as I write this, hurts. Are these things (marriage & children) worth the enormous sacrifices and stress? Not for me abeg, especially the part about children.


This is what most mothers do. They will not eat if necessary so that their children will eat. Before you pity your cousin too much, ask yourself why she wanted to have four children. Not one, not two .... Maybe it is not as bad for her as it seems to be from your perspective. Maybe you suffer more seeing her like that than she actually does. I don't know.

I have always admired your clarity on motherhood. I wish more women and men would make a conscious decision on whether they really want to be parents or not. Most people get married and have children because 'this is how it is done' but we are all different so we can't all follow the same path and be happy. It's not only women who realize that being a parent is not the life they dreamt of, there are men like this too.

I agree with Julima that it is misleading to tell people that having both, a career and a family, is a piece of cake. There are women who have done and are doing it but they won't tell you that it was a walk in the park. Unfortunately, the same people who give the impression that it is easy are the same people who can't do it. And many women who built a career put off motherhood until they were done. Beyonce became a mother in her 30s after the peak in her career life. I read an interview with Chimamanda where she said that having a child interferes with her writing. No more late night writing, less time to be creative.

We should allow people to make a conscious decision on the kind of life they want to live without sugarcoating anything. There are pros and cons to every lifestyle but one is better individually than the other and everyone must make the tough decision on which one that is.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 6:23pm On Aug 24, 2020
Kehl:


Of course marriage as an institution is not the problem but the individuals who makes up the marriage.They decide the success of the marriage by their actions and inactions

like I said before, a lot of things can be easily said and concluded but it becomes an entirely different thing in reality.

Anybody that wants to succeed in life MUST be ready to pay the price.

Single, married, divorced, male or female.

If it is easy to succeed being single, we would have tons to single people suceeding.

Go through NL and see how single men are crying about getting decent jobs talk more of building careers or 'succeeding'. At least, they are single and are not hindered by marriage.

And I am talking of people's reality.

Did they work hard, sacrifice some things, put in long hours? Yes.

However, they were intentional and carved a path for themselves.

Please let's leave David to rest in piece and advise Ngozi to make whatever she can of herself.

It is not over until it is over.

On a different note, this is why I think female mentors are better for women. They will give better practicial guidance.

3 Likes

Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by crackhaus: 6:38pm On Aug 24, 2020
bukatyne:

I am assuming you mean one can get both marriage and their ambition?

If yes, it was when I got to NL I learn marriage 'stops' women's dreams.

I grew up with female professors, teachers, leaders, bankers, pastors etc. (whatever they wanted even if it was stay at home mothering {which was frowned upon sha}). Even my female senior colleagues are married, the single ones are the outliers and praying to be married.

So the natural thing for me was school, a bit of work, marriage and continue building your career, purpose, life, whatever.

Even most of the top women in Nigeria we admire in today are married; it is here I have read 'marriage' stops women or is a bondage to them.

At this point, you already know that NL is filled mostly with people who present a faux version of reality just to suit an agenda and it's usually the unmarried/never married females with such narratives. cheesy

I myself grew up around female professionals – nurses, accountants, lawyers, bankers, one professor, one retired DSS officer – all of them married early, worked and progressed in their career while still married with children.
Two of the dearest people to my heart, both professionals – one a young practicing lawyer, the other a young opthalmologist, and marriage has not stopped them from their professions.

But on NL, they say women are putting off marriage for career, or putting career on hold for marriage... Lmao!
Do people even know what a career is? Someone holding down a job will still claim it's her career that's stopping her from marriage.

If you check the list of occupations above, those are not even fields where you can just take off for a long time and then return whenever you like to pick up from where you left it off, the best these women ever got/get are maternity leaves, annual leaves, etc.

But on NL, marriage is stopping women's careers/dreams – well I honestly know no such women in my life so far, but agenda must agend... grin

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Klass99(f): 7:08pm On Aug 24, 2020
Hathor5:


This is what most mothers do. They will not eat if necessary so that their children will eat. Before you pity your cousin too much, ask yourself why she wanted to have four children. Not one, not two .... Maybe it is not as bad for her as it seems to be from your perspective. Maybe you suffer more seeing her like that than she actually does. I don't know.

I have always admired your clarity on motherhood. I wish more women and men would make a conscious decision on whether they really want to be parents or not. Most people get married and have children because 'this is how it is done' but we are all different so we can't all follow the same path and be happy. It's not only women who realize that being a parent is not the life they dreamt of, there are men like this too.

I agree with Julima that it is misleading to tell people that having both, a career and a family, is a piece of cake. There are women who have done and are doing it but they won't tell you that it was a walk in the park. Unfortunately, the same people who give the impression that it is easy are the same people who can't do it. And many women who built a career put off motherhood until they were done. Beyonce became a mother in her 30s after the peak in her career life. I read an interview with Chimamanda where she said that having a child interferes with her writing. No more late night writing, less time to be creative.

We should allow people to make a conscious decision on the kind of life they want to live without sugarcoating anything. There are pros and cons to every lifestyle but one is better individually than the other and everyone must make the tough decision on which one that is.

My dear, self awareness has saved me from situations that would have been more hurtful than helpful to me.

When you know your likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, what you can do and not do, you will be happier in life and better able to navigate life's issues.

Cousin, didn't want 4 kids. She said her family planning methods failed but our momsie said I shouldn't mind her, she was careless and didn't always follow the prescribed method religiously.

She's not happy with her life either and she doesn't hide it. So, it's not a case of me crying more than the bereaved grin

All I can say is that, some people thrive in marriage, while others are perpetually in survival mode, they are not enjoying marriage or thriving in it at all.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by gfon(m): 7:56pm On Aug 24, 2020
Truth is i feel marriage is overhyped,i do want kids(not even sure about that) but i would love my space and need my sanity
Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Palema007: 8:33pm On Aug 24, 2020
bukatyne:


@Topic:

The problem is not the support or lack of; the problem was the highlighted in addition to lack of communication.

A woman should discover/ know herself before getting married; it automatically weeds out unaligned spouses. Unfortunately, a number of women don't discover themselves and marry spouses who cannot provide the support they require.
This right here is the summary of it all. Discover yourself, know what you want and go for it.

Very simple!
Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Ishilove: 8:47pm On Aug 24, 2020
GboyegaD:
So true. I remember a discussion with a lady on number of children, school they would attend etc and her response was a complete turn off. Imagine, someone willing to sacrifice all her ambition to be a good wife.

I realized then that quite a number of Nigerian women, finding a man to marry is their biggest ambition.
That is because of the society they live in. Let's not go too far. Here on Nairaland we see a lot of the menfolk casting aspersions on females who have chosen a career path and put marriage on the back burner as well as women who for reasons beyond their control are still unmarried at a certain age. Why then won't many Nigerian women make marriage their ultimate life's ambition?

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by GboyegaD(m): 9:51pm On Aug 24, 2020
Ishilove:

That is because of the society they live in. Let's not go too far. Here on Nairaland we see a lot of the menfolk casting aspersions on females who have chosen a career path and put marriage on the back burner as well as women who for reasons beyond their control are still unmarried at a certain age. Why then won't many Nigerian women make marriage their ultimate life's ambition?

That's not far from the truth as well.
Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 10:06pm On Aug 24, 2020
crackhaus:

At this point, you already know that NL is filled mostly with people who present a faux version of reality just to suit an agenda and it's usually the unmarried/never married females with such narratives. cheesy

I myself grew up around female professionals – nurses, accountants, lawyers, bankers, one professor, one retired DSS officer – all of them married early, worked and progressed in their career while still married with children.
Two of the dearest people to my heart, both professionals – one a young practicing lawyer, the other a young opthalmologist, and marriage has not stopped them from their professions.

But on NL, they say women are putting off marriage for career, or putting career on hold for marriage... Lmao!
Do people even know what a career is? Someone holding down a job will still claim it's her career that's stopping her from marriage.

If you check the list of occupations above, those are not even fields where you can just take off for a long time and then return whenever you like to pick up from where you left it off, the best these women ever got/get are maternity leaves, annual leaves, etc.

But on NL, marriage is stopping women's careers/dreams – well I honestly know no such women in my life so far, but agenda must agend... grin

No joke, it is on NL that all married women are in bondage or married men don't live their lives.

It is here I also learnt career is something you start working today and build tomorrow.

When most of my senior colleagues are recounting tales of the work they have put in, we would be calculating 'I was in 200L or I just finished secondary school then.'

Funnily, the school/work/marriage & career model actually gives you the most time to do whatever. See Omoni who even took a break from acting: she can now act forever. Omotola used to take her babies to set so all her characters was a young mother. Now the kids have grown and she is traveling the world.

There was someone I met during service: a beautiful lady married at 17 because her dad died. This lady had two kids and said she wanted to go back to school. Everyone said no, her mother said her husband would start sleeping with her maid and she told them they were free. She was able to finish school, had a dream to work somewhere unfortunately, the place packed up.

When you hear her talk and her dreams despite her circumstances then, you would marvel.

I have not seen anyone hungry for success so much claim marriage stopped them.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Kehl(m): 11:52pm On Aug 24, 2020
bukatyne:


Anybody that wants to succeed in life MUST be ready to pay the price.

Single, married, divorced, male or female.

If it is easy to succeed being single, we would have tons to single people suceeding.

Go through NL and see how single men are crying about getting decent jobs talk more of building careers or 'succeeding'. At least, they are single and are not hindered by marriage.

And I am talking of people's reality.

Did they work hard, sacrifice some things, put in long hours? Yes.

However, they were intentional and carved a path for themselves.

Please let's leave David to rest in piece and advise Ngozi to make whatever she can of herself.

It is not over until it is over.

On a different note, this is why I think female mentors are better for women. They will give better practicial guidance.

Maybe you don't get it... You're bringing in something entirely different from what the post addressed. It's one thing to have difficulty in achieving certain things, and it's another thing to sacrifice your progress for your family.

And maybe you have people who got married to supportive husbands, it still doesn't vitiate the face that a whole lot of other women are married to people who do not have interest in their ambition.

And no matter how we want to look at it, we can't take away one fact, and that is that in many marriages, especially in this part of the world, the man has a big stake in his wife's decisions.

In some homes, going against your husband wishes is as good as saying bye to that marriage.

It is easy for us to sit back and say if a married woman wants to do her thing she can, but the reality is that marriage changes a whole lot of things especially in this part of the world (I do not in anyway support or endorse male dominance or husband superiority but it doesn't make me blind from the reality in my society)

If you have it good, doesn't mean every woman out there has it good... It's only fair you hear their challenges and if you can, address it rather than dismiss it.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by MMotimo: 2:16am On Aug 25, 2020
Sounds like Nneka made decisions/choices that she regrets. Sad but not exactly earth shattering. The prayer is that we be able to live with our decisions but that does not happen every single time. It is up to each individual to fight for their dreams and make choices that help realize those dreams.

There are women who chose career over kids and have regrets too. Know what you want and go for it. If it does not work, c’est la vie! At least you tried. One choice is not superior to the other. Know what you want and partner with a spouse that shares your vision. No guarantee your decision will validate itself but at least it is what you chose. These things are very much about individual ownership/accountability for your own action or inaction. Personally not impressed with folks who spend years in a situation they hate and then turn around to preach their regrets. 25 years is a loooooooong time to be doing something that’s keeping you from your dreams.

As bukatyne said “anybody that wants to succeed in life must be willing to pay the price.” Nneka decided the price of speaking up about her dreams was too high and chose to go along with her husband’s decision instead. That’s on her, that was her decision and she’s accountable for it.

If there’s anything to be learnt here, then it is fighting for your dreams and choosing the right husband who would support them when the time comes.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 11:57am On Aug 29, 2020
I heard of Chadwick Boseman's death and remembered this thread whinning about Ngozi again.

If Chad could deliver top notch movies while battling stage III colon cancer, anyone who is hungry for success would find a way.

Success is not for everyone, it is a result of diligence, hard work, smart work, tenacity, courage and sacrifice. Success does not come to you in your comfort zone or handed on a platter.

Not every one would be successful because they cannot pay the price to be.

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by bukatyne(f): 12:10pm On Aug 29, 2020
Kehl:


Maybe you don't get it... You're bringing in something entirely different from what the post addressed. It's one thing to have difficulty in achieving certain things, and it's another thing to sacrifice your progress for your family.

And maybe you have people who got married to supportive husbands, it still doesn't vitiate the face that a whole lot of other women are married to people who do not have interest in their ambition.

And no matter how we want to look at it, we can't take away one fact, and that is that in many marriages, especially in this part of the world, the man has a big stake in his wife's decisions.

In some homes, going against your husband wishes is as good as saying bye to that marriage.

It is easy for us to sit back and say if a married woman wants to do her thing she can, but the reality is that marriage changes a whole lot of things especially in this part of the world (I do not in anyway support or endorse male dominance or husband superiority but it doesn't make me blind from the reality in my society)

If you have it good, doesn't mean every woman out there has it good... It's only fair you hear their challenges and if you can, address it rather than dismiss it.


If you want your thread to be whinny women unite, you are on the way there.

If you have to have edifying discussions, you need to let go of 'the women are always victims' Outlook.

I gave an example of a 18 year old lady married to a man twice her age dust everything back to school five years after and you are talking of easy?

Even the wives who have their husbands' support, do you know what the sacrifices they put in to be where they are today?

Do you know the sleepless nights? A senior colleague I admire so much said she was given a new project she had to really prepare for. She just had a baby and was breastfeeding while reading with little sleep, rinse and repeat for months till she got a hang of it.

And other women who had passive husbands (in terms of their success) shuffling work and the home front?

Perhaps if success is very important to a woman who wants to get married, she should be discerning enough to know herself and choose a man capable of providing the support she requires.

Abi who do you blame if a woman chose a man not interested in her ambition out of all the 3.5 billion men in the world

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Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by NoToPile: 1:57pm On Aug 29, 2020
Jullima:
.

If you are a woman and you want to have a career and a family make sure you’re on the path to said career where you can juggle both once you get married.


So, write and pass all your exams, get your foot in the door etc. set it up in such a way, your career seamlessly blends in with your married life, the only ‘break’ you should take is a maternity leave. I have seen cases where a man will promise his fiancée he will support her in achieving her career while they’re married and switch up on her once they say “I do”.

Those that will tell you it’s piece of cake to pick up your career whenever you like, that’s misleading and a falsehood

The economy and job market is telling us a different story.

Single and unencumbered men and women can’t even get jobs, the Nigerian labour market is very ageist and very reliant on experience that you can’t afford to take too long a break


Thank you , thank you and thank you . I like it when people are factual are realistic.

Your last paragraph is the koko
Re: Let Me Tell You A Story....a True Life Story by Kehl(m): 8:54am On Aug 30, 2020
bukatyne:


If you want your thread to be whinny women unite, you are on the way there.

If you have to have edifying discussions, you need to let go of 'the women are always victims' Outlook.

I gave an example of a 18 year old lady married to a man twice her age dust everything back to school five years after and you are talking of easy?

Even the wives who have their husbands' support, do you know what the sacrifices they put in to be where they are today?

Do you know the sleepless nights? A senior colleague I admire so much said she was given a new project she had to really prepare for. She just had a baby and was breastfeeding while reading with little sleep, rinse and repeat for months till she got a hang of it.

And other women who had passive husbands (in terms of their success) shuffling work and the home front?

Perhaps if success is very important to a woman who wants to get married, she should be discerning enough to know herself and choose a man capable of providing the support she requires.

Abi who do you blame if a woman chose a man not interested in her ambition out of all the 3.5 billion men in the world

If this is a real problem that affects women, do we overlook it and let the problem persist simply because you think that I or the society have a mindset of "women are always victims? lol

This is just one real issue that was raised.

I like that you have only strong women in your circle... But again, do you honestly think every woman is like you and the women in your circle?

And if you think that there are women who have made mistakes as regards the subject matter, do we let the the mistake continue because a few women got it right, so everyother woman can go to hell with their problems.

The moment we become less empathetic to the extent that we now judge everyone and every issue from our standards and level of understanding, we will solve no problem but create more.

Let's not forget that the society is made up of different classes of people coming from different backgrounds, different levels of understanding,

If you are in a knowledgeable position or you have certain things figured out, the least you can do is to stretch out your hands and lift others out of ignorance.

Not every woman grew up around ambitious women and professionals, many women grew up in a very terrible patriarchal environment. It's only normal that such environment would unconsciously influence some of their decisions. And only when these decisions turn out badly, before they realise somethings could be done differently.

If you know better and you are in a position to enlighten them, do just that!

The intention of the post was never to create a pity party... If you read it again, you'll discover that the message is first and majorly directed to single ladies and men.

Like I said in the post, ladies often put down their guard for the wish and promise of a marriage, forgetting that the excitement is only temporary and that reality would hit again soon when the chips are down.

The message is creating an awareness that they should intentionally learn to consider their careers and ambition as important factors in choosing a spouse. To avoid the regret story.

All some people need to get it right is simply an awareness...

And Las Las my position on this issue doesn't make me an apologist for the female gender "women are always victims" school of thought...

I only talk about real and identified issues as they affect my society.. Tomorrow I may be talking about corruption.

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