Dear Nairalander,

We met in 2005 while i was in secondary school and he was working in a bakery then, we started dating and i saw him as a man with vision because of his leniency and a very bright man.
In year 2007, he got admission to pre degree in the university , i was at home ans i later got admitted into polytechinic for ND program in 2009. i came back from poly in 2011 and started looking for IT placement while waiting for
for It placement i lost both of my parent and became an orphan. a month after my parent death i was able to get placement in a bank and that how i started the IT, after one year i was to go back to school for HND / Direct entry, luclily i applied for the two and got admitted but
i consider who will finance it since i have no parent and my siblings are not capable of sponsoring me, i dont want to be a burden on anyone even if i am to start the programme with the little saving i have while doing IT
but it wont be sufficient to see me through. so i took a tellering job in a bank and thats how i left our house and rented an apartment very close to my office then.
I started living alone and he almost done with his study in the university too about going for NYSC, anytime he is in town he always stay in my place, then i was transfered to another branch of the bank which made me move to
another place that is more comfortable and he always joined me. He proposed we take the relationship to the next level and ask if we could start our life in this small apartment and i agreed since i know he was a serving corp
member and things will get better. thats how we started life in 2015, had our introduction in my brothers house in 2016 and got married in 2017.
He served in Lagos and he tried to secure job in lagos but he was able to get a menial job which he is not comfortable with, until sept 2018 that he got a job with a telecoms in lagos. meanwhile, i couldnt concieve on time not
for about 2 years after the wedding but later concieved and gave birth to a baby boy in june 2019. when he got the telecoms job he felt a little relief and comfortable staying in lagos and stop coming to ibadan to see me like
he always did before. he several complains and he said i need to move to lagos.

I tried to persuade him to be patient with me and allow me to finish a degree programme i put in for in UI at least to get the certificate and start a better life if i get to lagos. he wouldnt listen, his attitude changed towards
me in the house whenever he is around and i became cold too.

One faithful day, i was sick at work and went to the hospital and i was given injection and they told me to come the following day for the remaining injection and on getting home that night i met him in the house, i wouldnt know if he is coming
around or not because he has stopped talking to me at all not even on phone and i dare not call him, he wouldnt pick up. so, i met him in the house and the following morning i left to working after preparing my baby food
and little sister staying with me tp take care of my baby during the pandemic period. getting to work i took permission to go and get the remaining injection at the hospital and get some rest at home, on getting home i met his
two brothers in our compound and i entered but he has locked the bedroom , he ran out and i ran after him to give me the key to my room to get some rest . he told me i cant access the room, i forced myself into the room andi discovered he
has started parking stuffs , he has removed the matrimonial bed, unpacked the all the clothes wardrobe, i was surprise as i dont have the idea of what is about happen. I called his father, i called my brother and my big sister too too and they said they are on their way to
our house, he came in and heard i was talking to the father,his father called that he is not coming again that we should both should come and meet him in his house. i called my brother back that my father in law commanded me to meet in his house and my brother said he will join me there
he left the house before me with his brother but i was surprise i got to his father house before him, he later met me discussing with the father and later my brother and big sister joined us . his father insisted i must move to lagos with him now or nothing and i made them understand i
have to seek permission and get approval in my work place before i move. as we are discussing my husband stood up and said he is going that all stuff in the house has already been moved to lagos as he was speaking.
he left and we started calling him but he will not picked , my brother sent him atext to return stuff that belongs to me as he cannnot forcefull take me to lagos but he didnt answered, i went to police to report and we were advised
to arrest his brother that helped him pack the load while none of us is present there.
The police arrested the brother and the DPO said they shouldnot release him until he brings my stuff back to ibadan as i dont know his new address in lagos, he brought at the third day and thats when the brother was released,
alot of mu stuff got missing and he refuse to bring some back from lagos as i was advised to let go some stuff. since then he stopped communicating and the next thing i get is a petition from his lawyer and he is seeking for divorce.

Your Kind advise will go a long way. Thank you

You arrested your brother-in-law?

Your husband is a foolish man indeed but....you shouldn't have involved his brother in that manner.

Sis, his actions may have been irrational but yours was even worse. Family matters for that matter. You should have at least exercise some patience and try to exhaust all options.

I wouldn't lie to you, if my wife arrested my brother, she's already left the family.

I don't see any salvaging here as I don't see him as someone who can change his mind. To me, seems he's found a new mistress already.

I will advice you don't sign the divorce papers and that's if you are ready to be alone because I suspect he won't rescind his decision but if not,

.....meet him in court

And as for your husband, he will soon meet his waterloo.

Sorry about your experience... Just let him be but do not sign the divorce papers.
I pray God sees you through this phase. I breathe the right thing to have been done was for both of you to reach and amicable compromise about the relocation to Lagos matter. Iz well

in every situation we found ourselves in life, we should be calming down

Your husband is an ingrate, he has found another woman outside, don't worry it will end in tears for him

Do you think he has started seeing another lady? If not....sit him down and have a talk

I think there's another woman in the picture. By the way,you shouldn't have arrested his brother na. That was your mistake and he will use that against you.
Now, put yourself together and right the wrong you did. First, look for his brother and make your peace with him. As for your husband, let him be for now. You stood by him when he had nothing, you don't deserve this kind of treatment from him. I won't advise you to leave your school and work just to be with him in Lagos. My sister,you need that cert and the job o. At least, you won't have to depend on him financially. Try and make peace with him but if he refuses, let him be.

Op, sorry for the mess you are presently into.

1. You have a point in wanting to complete your degree at UI and also have a job to feed yourself. I support you 100% on this! I thought the part of the job of a man is to help his wife achieve her dreams and assist her to discover and reach the Zenit height possible! A good leader is one who help others achieve their dreams. I think your man is already failing or failed here.

2. You should not have arrested his brother. That's going above the line and he and his family may never get over this action of yours. It's sad, but it's the truth. Try to make up with his brother and show remorse to his parents.

3. I think you should move on with your life. Pursue a better standard of living and care for your child. I don't see that man coming back to you...at least, not soon. He prolly want to continue his next phase with someone else.

4. As for the divorc ish...don't regret over it. Meet up with him in court and air your views, since he isn't giving room for discussion that could help resolve issue, and let him know you still love him but if he thinks divorce will give him joy and peace, you are ready to give him albeit following court processes and settlements. After all, if we love something or someone so much, we let them be if it makes them happy.

5. I think you need to try and get another apartment...hmmm...for your safety. You never can tell what his brother or himself can do. Just to stay alive, get another apartment, please.


I wish you the best of luck.

never get married, y'all won't listen

Realashbobby:


Dear Nairalander,

We met in 2005 while i was in secondary school and he was working in a bakery then, we started dating and i saw him as a man with vision because of his leniency and a very bright man.
In year 2007, he got admission to pre degree in the university , i was at home ans i later got admitted into polytechinic for ND program in 2009. i came back from poly in 2011 and started looking for IT placement while waiting for
for It placement i lost both of my parent and became an orphan. a month after my parent death i was able to get placement in a bank and that how i started the IT, after one year i was to go back to school for HND / Direct entry, luclily i applied for the two and got admitted but
i consider who will finance it since i have no parent and my siblings are not capable of sponsoring me, i dont want to be a burden on anyone even if i am to start the programme with the little saving i have while doing IT
but it wont be sufficient to see me through. so i took a tellering job in a bank and thats how i left our house and rented an apartment very close to my office then.
I started living alone and he almost done with his study in the university too about going for NYSC, anytime he is in town he always stay in my place, then i was transfered to another branch of the bank which made me move to
another place that is more comfortable and he always joined me. He proposed we take the relationship to the next level and ask if we could start our life in this small apartment and i agreed since i know he was a serving corp
member and things will get better. thats how we started life in 2015, had our introduction in my brothers house in 2016 and got married in 2017.
He served in Lagos and he tried to secure job in lagos but he was able to get a menial job which he is not comfortable with, until sept 2018 that he got a job with a telecoms in lagos. meanwhile, i couldnt concieve on time not
for about 2 years after the wedding but later concieved and gave birth to a baby boy in june 2019. when he got the telecoms job he felt a little relief and comfortable staying in lagos and stop coming to ibadan to see me like
he always did before. he several complains and he said i need to move to lagos.

I tried to persuade him to be patient with me and allow me to finish a degree programme i put in for in UI at least to get the certificate and start a better life if i get to lagos. he wouldnt listen, his attitude changed towards
me in the house whenever he is around and i became cold too.

One faithful day, i was sick at work and went to the hospital and i was given injection and they told me to come the following day for the remaining injection and on getting home that night i met him in the house, i wouldnt know if he is coming
around or not because he has stopped talking to me at all not even on phone and i dare not call him, he wouldnt pick up. so, i met him in the house and the following morning i left to working after preparing my baby food
and little sister staying with me tp take care of my baby during the pandemic period. getting to work i took permission to go and get the remaining injection at the hospital and get some rest at home, on getting home i met his
two brothers in our compound and i entered but he has locked the bedroom , he ran out and i ran after him to give me the key to my room to get some rest . he told me i cant access the room, i forced myself into the room andi discovered he
has started parking stuffs , he has removed the matrimonial bed, unpacked the all the clothes wardrobe, i was surprise as i dont have the idea of what is about happen. I called his father, i called my brother and my big sister too too and they said they are on their way to
our house, he came in and heard i was talking to the father,his father called that he is not coming again that we should both should come and meet him in his house. i called my brother back that my father in law commanded me to meet in his house and my brother said he will join me there
he left the house before me with his brother but i was surprise i got to his father house before him, he later met me discussing with the father and later my brother and big sister joined us . his father insisted i must move to lagos with him now or nothing and i made them understand i
have to seek permission and get approval in my work place before i move. as we are discussing my husband stood up and said he is going that all stuff in the house has already been moved to lagos as he was speaking.
he left and we started calling him but he will not picked , my brother sent him atext to return stuff that belongs to me as he cannnot forcefull take me to lagos but he didnt answered, i went to police to report and we were advised
to arrest his brother that helped him pack the load while none of us is present there.
The police arrested the brother and the DPO said they shouldnot release him until he brings my stuff back to ibadan as i dont know his new address in lagos, he brought at the third day and thats when the brother was released,
alot of mu stuff got missing and he refuse to bring some back from lagos as i was advised to let go some stuff. since then he stopped communicating and the next thing i get is a petition from his lawyer and he is seeking for divorce.

Your Kind advise will go a long way. Thank you

My dear, divorce is not a death sentence

Grant him the divorce and be free from trauma life is too short for anyone to determine your happiness

Forget about what people will say, some one must be used for a story to be told

Leave him with his conscience and move on with your life

He will get his reward in a bigger way

Just tell the lawyer to go ahead but you have to keep the custody of the child

That you are an orphan doesn't mean your God is sleeping

It's a pity! sorry for all these u've passed through. I can only say it's a phase. It will soon pass. Talk to people who their family respect and see if its possible to settle this matter amicably. But if this does not work, I advised you carefully do whatever that guarantees your happiness. It is well with You.

Mheen! Marriage is quite unpredictable! I wish you God's strength this trying period. May you come out strong!

Ok

Sis, I'll suggest you engage a lawyer too. Believe me, he's having the backing of his family on that nonsense he's doing so I won't blame you for arresting his brother.

But stay calm and ensure you conclude your degree program.

dimexy247:
You arrested your brother-in-law?

Your husband is a foolish man indeed but....you shouldn't have involved his brother in that manner.

Sis, his actions may have been irrational but yours was even worse. Family matters for that matter. You should have at least exercise some patient and try to exhaust all options.

I wouldn't lie to you, if my wife arrested my brother, she's already left the family.

I don't see any salvaging here as I don't see him as someone who can change his mind. To me, seems he's found a new mistress already.

I will advice you don't sign the divorce papers and that's if you are ready to be alone because I suspect he won't rescind his decision but if not,

.....meet him in court

And as for your husband, he will soon meet his waterloo.

Don't judge with one sided story..If the man has found a new mistress do you think he would insist the wife join him in Lagos?

Do you still love him?
Have you both finalized the divorce?

Hmm.. this your story is a pathetic one.

Why do men become monsters the moment they feel they have made it a little in life? Same guy that was ready to dwell with you in the hole when he had nothing. Now hes forming the boss.

Well, like someone said, do not sign the papers ( that is if you're still interested in the marriage). Then apply for leave, go to Lagos and have a talk with him. Possibly settle whatever it is with him if he's willing though. Otherwise, let him be but still, don't ever sign the papers. Tie him down and if he tries to marry another, sue him. He's an ingrate and most men are. And that is why I'll never struggle with any idiot.

In the meantime, go on your knees and pray to God to take charge of the situation and touch him.

This might be a bit insensitive but I had a laugh when you said he moved your matrimonial bed.

Bed is bed, matrimonial bed is a metaphor.

---

Are you saying you don't want to divorce this man?

---

On a serious note, how can a lady insist on staying in Ibadan while her husband is staying in Lagos.

The degree she's taking about is a part time program, I presume.

It becomes embarrassing and shameful for a man who has a house in Lagos to always go to Ibadan every now and then to meet his wife. Why can't the wife be the one going over to his place? Men have ego.

It's not as if Lagos to Ibadan is even that far.


Not in any way saying the man is right though.

Notatribalist:
Don't judge with one sided story..If the man has found a new mistress do you think he would insist the wife join him in Lagos?

We are all guilty of this.

In most cases, the person narrating the story is always right.

Even if the man tells his story, he'll still paint her as the devil just like the woman just did.

You can't force yourself on someone who do not want you anymore and already seeking divorce. Grant him the divorce while you both amicably work out the care for the son between you.

Being divorced is not a mental health disorder, at times it is the best option in order to maintain one's sanity where the union is draining out one's essence. You have to accept the reality that your soon to be ex–husband wants to move on with his life without you by his side. This acceptance is the needed state of mind to redirect your own life.

Refocus energy on completing your degree program as it is your key stepping stone for self-development.

Realashbobby:


Dear Nairalander,

We met in 2005 while i was in secondary school and he was working in a bakery then, we started dating and i saw him as a man with vision because of his leniency and a very bright man.
In year 2007, he got admission to pre degree in the university , i was at home ans i later got admitted into polytechinic for ND program in 2009. i came back from poly in 2011 and started looking for IT placement while waiting for
for It placement i lost both of my parent and became an orphan. a month after my parent death i was able to get placement in a bank and that how i started the IT, after one year i was to go back to school for HND / Direct entry, luclily i applied for the two and got admitted but
i consider who will finance it since i have no parent and my siblings are not capable of sponsoring me, i dont want to be a burden on anyone even if i am to start the programme with the little saving i have while doing IT
but it wont be sufficient to see me through. so i took a tellering job in a bank and thats how i left our house and rented an apartment very close to my office then.
I started living alone and he almost done with his study in the university too about going for NYSC, anytime he is in town he always stay in my place, then i was transfered to another branch of the bank which made me move to
another place that is more comfortable and he always joined me. He proposed we take the relationship to the next level and ask if we could start our life in this small apartment and i agreed since i know he was a serving corp
member and things will get better. thats how we started life in 2015, had our introduction in my brothers house in 2016 and got married in 2017.
He served in Lagos and he tried to secure job in lagos but he was able to get a menial job which he is not comfortable with, until sept 2018 that he got a job with a telecoms in lagos. meanwhile, i couldnt concieve on time not
for about 2 years after the wedding but later concieved and gave birth to a baby boy in june 2019. when he got the telecoms job he felt a little relief and comfortable staying in lagos and stop coming to ibadan to see me like
he always did before. he several complains and he said i need to move to lagos.

I tried to persuade him to be patient with me and allow me to finish a degree programme i put in for in UI at least to get the certificate and start a better life if i get to lagos. he wouldnt listen, his attitude changed towards
me in the house whenever he is around and i became cold too.

One faithful day, i was sick at work and went to the hospital and i was given injection and they told me to come the following day for the remaining injection and on getting home that night i met him in the house, i wouldnt know if he is coming
around or not because he has stopped talking to me at all not even on phone and i dare not call him, he wouldnt pick up. so, i met him in the house and the following morning i left to working after preparing my baby food
and little sister staying with me tp take care of my baby during the pandemic period. getting to work i took permission to go and get the remaining injection at the hospital and get some rest at home, on getting home i met his
two brothers in our compound and i entered but he has locked the bedroom , he ran out and i ran after him to give me the key to my room to get some rest . he told me i cant access the room, i forced myself into the room andi discovered he
has started parking stuffs , he has removed the matrimonial bed, unpacked the all the clothes wardrobe, i was surprise as i dont have the idea of what is about happen. I called his father, i called my brother and my big sister too too and they said they are on their way to
our house, he came in and heard i was talking to the father,his father called that he is not coming again that we should both should come and meet him in his house. i called my brother back that my father in law commanded me to meet in his house and my brother said he will join me there
he left the house before me with his brother but i was surprise i got to his father house before him, he later met me discussing with the father and later my brother and big sister joined us . his father insisted i must move to lagos with him now or nothing and i made them understand i
have to seek permission and get approval in my work place before i move. as we are discussing my husband stood up and said he is going that all stuff in the house has already been moved to lagos as he was speaking.
he left and we started calling him but he will not picked , my brother sent him atext to return stuff that belongs to me as he cannnot forcefull take me to lagos but he didnt answered, i went to police to report and we were advised
to arrest his brother that helped him pack the load while none of us is present there.
The police arrested the brother and the DPO said they shouldnot release him until he brings my stuff back to ibadan as i dont know his new address in lagos, he brought at the third day and thats when the brother was released,
alot of mu stuff got missing and he refuse to bring some back from lagos as i was advised to let go some stuff. since then he stopped communicating and the next thing i get is a petition from his lawyer and he is seeking for divorce.

Your Kind advise will go a long way. Thank you

Which type of marriage?
When are you likely to finish your degree ?
Can you get transferred to Lagos from work ?
How old is your kid ?
Are you still in love with your husband?
Do you still want the marriage ?
Answers to these questions will determine my advice

It is good you have a job and understand the need to process a transfer. How far gone are you with your program? How convenient will it be to complete it should you get a transfer to Lagos? Try all you can to have a one - to - one discussion with him. If he's not willing to understand that there's a process for your transfer while you both figure how to complete your program, please, let him be.

As for his family, let them be. If they want your family to survive, they will mediate positively.

1stNumeroUno:
Sis, I'll suggest you engage a lawyer too. Believe me, he's having the backing of his family on that nonsense he's doing so I won't blame you for arresting his brother.

But stay calm and ensure you conclude your degree program.

His family are backing him full time. None of them never call or check on my son

GboyegaD:
It is good you have a job and understand the need to process a transfer. How far gone are you with your program? How convenient will it be to complete it should you get a transfer to Lagos? Try all you can to have a one - to - one discussion with him. If he's not willing to understand that there's a process for your transfer while you both figure how to complete your program, please, let him be.

As for his family, let them be. If they want your family to survive, they will mediate positively.

Thank you , I am almost done with the programme just to defend the project and get the
cert.

Ghengiskhan:

Which type of marriage?
When are you likely to finish your degree ?
Can you get transferred to Lagos from work ?
How old is your kid ?
Are you still in love with your husband?
Do you still want the marriage ?
Answers to these questions will determine my advice

Court wedding
I am almost done
He is 17 months now
Yes
Yes.

I don't want a scattered home.

[quote author=Karleb post=96486147]

We are all guilty of this.

In most cases, the person narrating the story is always right.

Even if the man tells his story, he'll still paint her as the devil just like the woman just did. [/quot

Hmmm, I am sure if you hear his own side of the story, you may feel like shooting me. He is so good in doing that

Karleb:
This might be a bit insensitive but I had a laugh when you said he moved your matrimonial bed.

Bed is bed, matrimonial bed is a metaphor.

---

Are you saying you don't want to divorce this man?

---

On a serious note, how can a lady insist on staying in Ibadan while her husband is staying in Lagos.

The degree she's taking about is a part time program, I presume.

It becomes embarrassing and shameful for a man who has a house in Lagos to always go to Ibadan every now and then to meet his wife. Why can't the wife be the one going over to his place? Men have ego.

It's not as if Lagos to Ibadan is even that far.


Not in any way saying the man is right though.

How can I say I am not moving with him, he should allow me to take some time

I wouldn't over board u on where u crossed the line.

Going with ur own narrative alone. I think ur husband loves u that was why he requested u move to Lagos with him.

Believe me if there was any lady anywhere, he wld nva make dt move of u coming to Lagos at all. He would prefer u stay in IB while he stays in Lagos to do his' promiscuous act.
In fact he would discourage u from having such notions.

What u shld ve done was to find a way to get trfd to Lagos and I bliv ur degree program in UI is DLI and I feel u can always go back to IB during exam time to catch up with the exam.

The deed has been done already now look for a way apologise to him and his broda and u must be apologetic.
Let him know u understand the way he feels about having u I Lagos and I expect u to make frantic effort to move to Lagos by now by getting trf from ur branch to Lagos. I know it ain't easy tho. but u ve to.

Except u re also tired of the relationship then u can let go but if u ain't, my own advice is u move to Lagos but pls do not resign from ur work in case of any F up.

Trust me like I said earlier ur husband loves u

Realashbobby:


Dear Nairalander,

Your Kind advise will go a long way. Thank you

Karleb:
This might be a bit insensitive but I had a laugh when you said he moved your matrimonial bed.

Bed is bed, matrimonial bed is a metaphor.

---

Are you saying you don't want to divorce this man?

---

On a serious note, how can a lady insist on staying in Ibadan while her husband is staying in Lagos.

The degree she's taking about is a part time program, I presume.

It becomes embarrassing and shameful for a man who has a house in Lagos to always go to Ibadan every now and then to meet his wife. Why can't the wife be the one going over to his place? Men have ego.

It's not as if Lagos to Ibadan is even that far.


Not in any way saying the man is right though.

The word "Matrimonial Bed" isn't a metaphor as you erroneously implied. And yes, the concept of matrimonial bed has sociolinguistic significance because it differentiates the bed husband and wife sleep on with other bed(s) in the house. So between husband and wife, a bed isn't just a bed.

Not subscribing to this story as presented by a party, but it is expected that a man -- and, of course, a woman -- should ordinarily endure any inconveniences arising from his wife's academic pursuit away from home. The claim that "men have ego" as a reason for being insensitive and stupid is an affront to commonsense.

CalliDora1:
Hmm.. this your story is a pathetic one.

Why do men become monsters the moment they feel they have made it a little in life? Same guy that was ready to dwell with you in the hole when he had nothing. Now hes forming the boss.

Well, like someone said, do not sign the papers ( that is if you're still interested in the marriage). Then apply for leave, go to Lagos and have a talk with him. Possibly settle whatever it is with him if he's willing though. Otherwise, let him be but still, don't ever sign the papers. Tie him down and if he tries to marry another, sue him. He's an ingrate and most men are. And that is why I'll never struggle with any idiot.

In the meantime, go on your knees and pray to God to take charge of the situation and touch him.

I have done like you said o, I took some days leave at work and pack my baby and my bag, I don't know his home address but I know his work address in VI, I went to his office and I called but he didn't pick,. Not until when one of his colleagues called him that his wife is here. He csaid he is not on duty that day and not around that I should go back to where I am coming from.
I didn't get back to ibadan until 11pm that day. Till today he never ask how I got home with the baby.

mariahAngel:
Do you still love him?
Have you both finalized the divorce?

Yes, I love him

No, it hasn't been finalized.

VanDerWaalforces:
It's a pity! sorry for all these u've passed through. I can only say it's a phase. It will soon pass. Talk to people who their family respect and see if its possible to settle this matter amicably. But if this does not work, I advised you carefully do whatever that guarantees your happiness. It is well with You.

I ran to the Islamic scholar he respects most to help talk to him and please mediate in between the two families. He called him and he insisted that's what he wants for now.