It's mama first..
If u ain't cool with that, u can go kill yaself..

Same men who complain that their wives give their babies too much love and attention expect their wives to play second fiddle and smile.

If you know, you know ...

LOL... anytime I come across a female who has issues with men who place their mothers on a pedestal, I automatically group her into one of these two categories:


1. She didn't/doesn't have a good relationship with her own mother and hence can NEVER fully understand that bond a man can share with his mother.
This first category is based on psychological trauma – meaning, if I wasn't so close with my mom, then you (my husband) shouldn't be so close with yours either.

2. She's an attention junky who believes she ought to be the centre of a man's world, even at the expense of his own mother.
This second category is based on innate female jealousy – meaning, if I (a woman) can't have your full attention, then your mother (another woman) should not have it either.


****
This is one of the OP's previous topics:
https://www.nairaland.com/5924697/please-mums-bad-attitude-rubbing

You can easily figure out which category she belongs to...

crackhaus:
LOL... anytime I come across a female complaining about men who place mothers over wives, I automatically group her into one of these two categories:


1. She didn't/doesn't have a good relationship with her own mother and hence can NEVER fully understand the bond that a man can share with his mother.
This first category is based on psychological trauma – meaning, if I wasn't so close with my mother, then you (my husband) shouldn't be so close with yours either.

2. She's an attention junky who believes she ought to be the centre of her husband's world, even at the expense of his own mother.
This second category is based on innate female jealousy – meaning, if I (a woman) can't have your full attention, then your mother (another woman) should not have it either.


***
This is one of the OP's previous topics:
https://www.nairaland.com/5924697/please-mums-bad-attitude-rubbing

You can easily figure out which category she belongs to yourselves...

And don't forget, they (women like the OP) ALWAYS fall into one of these two categories.
Sometimes, they may even belong to both.

Your accertion doesn't quite make sense. Do you mean that women don't love their mothers enough and that is why they don't choose her(mother) over their husbands?
Your second point is baseless. There wouldn't be jealousy to talk about if the man doesn't continually show the wife that she doesn't come first.

Digging my old post to justify your claim is typical of people that has no point to prove. Rather than attack the message, you attack the messenger. Leave my old post out of this and deal with the topic.

Unnecessary thread.

Uyi168:
It's mama first..
If u ain't cool with that, u can go kill yaself..

Would you have no problem with it if your wife puts her father or brother or even her mother before you? If yes, then that's fair.

A man once created a thread here on nairaland complaining that his mother in-law calls his wife everyday since they got married, and that it shouldn't be so...

Juliusdaughter:

Your accertion doesn't quite make sense. Do you mean that women don't love their mothers enough and that is why they don't choose her(mother) over their husbands?
Your second point is baseless. There wouldn't be jealousy to talk about if the man doesn't continually show the wife that she doesn't come first.

Digging my old post to justify your claim is typical of people that has no point to prove. Rather than attack the message, you attack the messenger. Leave my old post out of this and deal with the topic.

It will NEVER make sense to you, I wasn't expecting it to... not even a little bit.

And did you say I attacked the messenger? Lol
The joke is on you...

All I did was post a link to a topic which YOU created yourself... and furthermore, asked readers to form their own conclusions from it.
The story about the relationship you have with your mother, is written in your own handwriting. I therefore have casted no aspersions on you, but simply provided perspective.

At the very least, you could say you attacked yourself by yourself, because without even realizing it, there's a valid explanation (in previous topic) behind why you can't understand how mothers are of tremendous value.

The above fact notwithstanding, it still does not and has never implied that men MUST always choose/pick their mothers over their wives, it simply implies that mothers are by far on a more important level than wives overall, without argument...
(An exception exists for those who never had a good/smooth relationship with their own moms, or are bereaved of her unfortunately).

Understanding that Contrast is NOT the same thing as comparison, is key.
Your failure to distinguish between those two, is the reason you started this thread in the first place... which in turn takes us back to the beginning of my response – none of this will EVER make any sense to you.

A woman loves her son, the world is at peace. Suddenly, that son decides to love his mom back, guess what? Everywhere explodes! Because there are other people (women obviously) who are jealous that other people (women) are getting loved more.

Right in University, during psychology class, we were taught behaviors of humans from infantile stage to a full blown adult. And how that adult relates with other adult and children. In a healthy family of father, mother, and children (divided into males and females), just as opposite sex attracts each other, it plays out in such healthy family. Daughters will cling to their fathers, and mothers to their son. Most times this become a major issue in such families as either of the parents will get jealous of the other. From baby hood, the mother develops strong bond with her sons and fathers with their daughters. Bonds so strong the other parent would think their wards wants to take over their spouse from them. Now when the son grows into a full blown adult, he feels the responsibility to reciprocate the love for which his mother has given him since infant stage.

Now op, I will take it that you did not know about the psychological effects family has over children and will let this silly attitude of yours to slide as you if a woman will pose a huge threat to your daughter in-law because your son will want to reciprocate all the love you give him. Why whine now when such will play out in your time?

Believe me, there's no amount of teaching or talking from you that will change the order of things. Unless of course you are either gonna die before your son could get to an age to actually know you or you will be a bad mother. If the latter, you should never consider marriage as you are not fit.

So after all these yapping from you and your silly friends backing you up without the knowledge of psychology, you would still experience such play before your very eye.

@bolded is the most underrated cause of divorce and broken homes. Take note.

Juliusdaughter:

I feel mother-in-law that is troublesome is one that didn't enjoy her own marriage. "how will you enjoy my son when I didn't enjoy his father" these women seek out security from their sons cos they lacked it from their own husband. Hardly will you see a fulfilled wife turn mother-in-law trouble her son's or daughter's marriage.
It takes special grace to see your daughter-in-law enjoy all the privileges that you didn't and not feel threatened

Perhaps you should change the title of this thread, and the content of your first comment too. As you have figured out the problem is with women. And stop making it seem like it's men's fault.

mariahAngel:


Are you (going to be) the selfish kind of daughter in-law who's very possessive of her husband?

Ah yes. The question!

Juliusdaughter:

I like your view because it points out my main issue. Why do men place their mothers above their wives and not their fathers?

This is not your issue. You are trying to move away from your issue as you have seen that man has boxed you there. You are being sly now.

crackhaus:
LOL... anytime I come across a female who has issues with men who place their mothers on a pedestal, I automatically group her into one of these two categories:


1. She didn't/doesn't have a good relationship with her own mother and hence can NEVER fully understand that bond a man can share with his mother.
This first category is based on psychological trauma – meaning, if I wasn't so close with my mom, then you (my husband) shouldn't be so close with yours either.

Psychologically, women don't have that bond with their mothers. Right from childhood, they see their mother as competition over their fathers attention.

Same with every man born on earth. As a son, you father will see you as a competition for your mother and his wife attention, it's completely healthy. It's different ways both genders bond. It's no biggie.

No person can take the place of the mother in a child's life.

The height of hypocrite in today's Christians is top notch. How can you claimed to be a Christian and don't understand the meaning of one flesh and one body. I dont have problem with the logical view but I have problem with being a christian and choose to obey the word only when it suit us. If you don't follow the bible assertiveness on difference between a wife and a mother then you are deceiving yourself if you are a Christian.

Men will only have reverence for the person that has loved most and stood by them in ways not just everyone can through thick and thin. At the beginning of a man's life, it is his mother that is that source of comfort hence she automatically earns the right of precedence in his life. A man will ONLY relinquish this position to his wife or anyone else if they are able to prove that they are a greater source of love and comfort than his mother or if the mother is no more. The issue is the mother had a headstart and has been with the man from his infant years to adulthood. So a woman coming into his life might feel its an uphill task earning that spot and may seek out short cuts all geared at making the man place her in that position without investing commensurate effort, unfortunately as she is bound to discover, it doesn't work that way. A wife who wants the right of precedence must earn it, it cannot be requested , or won in a debate but earned just as his mother earned it, through years of proven hardwork, loyalty and dedication or she gets comfortable with coming second in his life.... maybe until his mother is no more.

mariahAngel:


Would you have no problem with it if your wife puts her father or brother or even her mother before you? If yes, then that's fair.

A man once created a thread here on nairaland complaining that his mother in-law calls his wife everyday since they got married, and that it shouldn't be so...

..
I'd have absolutely no problem with that as far it doesn't cause problem for us.

Juliusdaughter:

I like your view because it points out my main issue. Why do men place their mothers above their wives and not their fathers? I mean where is the place of your father in all these? Why don't men priotize their fathers in their own marriages? Why always the mothers? Exactly! Because their fathers failed you talked about affections and sacrifices mostly from a mother and not the father, and so men are mentally wired to want to treat the mother that went through all of these better.
And this isn't me painting a personal narrative, this is reality. Our mothers have always and will always sacrifice for their children, even in this time some women will stay in an abusive marriage bacuse of their children. All these are sacrifices.
At the end of the day, a man raised in a completely healthy family will most likely not have a reason to sow seed of discord between his wife and mother, simply because his father was sufficient enough has a husband for her.

You are not making sense please. That a man chooses his mother over you does not mean he is abusive to you or do not provide for his family.
It is just human instinct for a man to choose his mother over his wife if he finds himself in a position to make such difficult choice. The wife is just like an outsider(would have typed "intruder" but that sounds too harsh) if we want to tell ourselves the truth.

Thrash! My mum is my confidant,I will always choose my mother thousands times over my wives.Wives can take to their heels when in trouble,it's only my mother that sees my problem as hers.I don't joke with my mum...

If he is being a good husband and father, making RATIONAL decisions for the family- let him be. The most important thing is BALANCE and ability to do what is needed at every given time.

A lot of women have theirs for body, we are just less vocal about it. My dad remains my No1 man, followed closely by my brother- but I won’t tell you or make it obvious that I am picking sides. Same way I won’t ask you to pick between me and your mum. In fact, my default mode is to always support his family over him.

They should go sort themselves out and leave me biko. Make nobody use me settle...

pocohantas:
If he is being a good husband and father, making RATIONAL decisions for the family- let him be. The most important thing is BALANCE and ability to do what is needed at every given time.

A lot of women have theirs for body, we are just less vocal about it. My dad remains my No1 man, followed closely by my brother- but I won’t tell you or make it obvious that I am picking sides. Same way I won’t ask you to pick between me and your mum. In fact, my default mode is to always support his family over him.

They should go sort themselves out and leave me biko. Make nobody use me settle...

U get brain biko. Why d hell will any man believe his wife will chose him over her own family who had love her since she was in d womb. Family love is different from couples love and they should never contradict each other. After marriage, love and respect ur spouse. But parents will always come first till death

I'm a woman. Both women have their places in a man's life. It is true that if a man has not failed his wife, the son might not feel pressured to put her above everyone else. Men that put their mothers above their wives sometimes have good reasons to though. The problem starts from when the man marries the wrong wife in the first place. Some women don't deserve to be treated so much better than a mother. mothers would always have their child's back. A mother would willingly donate her kidney to her son if need be but many wives would contemplate this and offer insincere excuses.

I would pick my own father above the man that I married years ago. In response to your statement about women not feeling that way about their dads.

Thanks for the write up but my mum will always come bc her love for me is unconditional, sorry u hear I can't help dt

When I was heavily pregnant, my husband went from work to his mother's house to spend the night there without informing me, why? Because his mum called that she's not feeling too well, guyman forgot to inform his wife till late at night when I was worried sick, I didn't react or utter a word, next morning I packed my kaya to my big mumy's house(since my parents don't reside where we are) and stayed there, turns out hubby intends staying there for a week as per he is his mother's only son and husband, no lele

When he was ready to come back home and realised I wasn't around, he came to where I was thinking I'd leave with him, for where, I stayed there till I left the country even though he begged and pleaded for me to come back home after realising his mistake, he was too ashamed to tell his mum, and it's not like his mum wasn't aware that I was heavy o, smh, how will you leave a heavily pregnant woman going through a difficult pregnancy at home alone for one week? What of if there was an emergency?

Moral of my story

This mother in law daughter in law muscle flexing is not needed, there are ways you can turn the whole table towards you, the whole nine yards, lately Oga cannot dare go to mama's house without my permission, and that is how it should be.

Adios.

JovialJune:
When I was heavily pregnant, my husband went from work to his mother's house to spend the night there without informing me, why? Because his mum called that she's not feeling too well, guyman forgot to inform his wife till late at night when I was worried sick, I didn't react or utter a word, next morning I packed my kaya to my big mumy's house(since my parents don't reside where we are) and stayed there, turns out hubby intends staying there for a week as per he is his mother's only son and husband, no lele

When he was ready to come back home and realised I wasn't around, he came to where I was thinking I'd leave with him, for where, I stayed there till I left the country even though he begged and pleaded for me to come back home after realising his mistake, he was too ashamed to tell his mum, and it's not like his mum wasn't aware that I was heavy o, smh, how will you leave a heavily pregnant woman going through a difficult pregnancy at home alone for one week? What of if there was an emergency?

Moral of my story; this mother in law daughter in law muscle flexing is not needed, there are ways you can turn the whole table towards you, the whole nine yards, lately Oga cannot dare go to mama's house without my permission, and that is how it should be.

Adios.

Your mother-in-law is a very selfish and possessive woman.
If she wanted her son all too herself, she should not have allowed him get married. Shior!
Wahala for who go marry only son o!

mariahAngel:


Your mother-in-law is a very selfish and possessive woman.
If she wanted her son all too herself, she should not have allowed him get married. Shior!
Wahala for who go marry only son o!

I wouldn't say she's possessive and selfish per say, hubby feels it is his duty to always be there for her and be the man of the house since their dad died early, the mum did an exceptional job bringing them up alone cos they all turned out really well, I knew all this before I married him and truly, I admire and respect him for that, but when the mum and son doting starts going overboard, one has to clip it and him back to normal, not in a confronting, aggressive way, but subtle and peaceful that they won't realise or see it coming till it's too late

Cheers.

Juliusdaughter:
I saw a thread on front page yesterday and marvel at how men repeatedly said they'd choose their mother over their wife, this isn't the first or 6th time I'm seeing this and it's becoming a norm among our men. I just feel to shed some lights on this issue.

Firstly, this has become like a 'hand-down' whatever on the side of men, and this can be traced to how our dads treated our mums. Whichever man chooses his mum over his wife is doing so to put up with his father's failure. Your father failed in his husband duties and you obviously saw it growing up, rather than learn your lessons and try to be a better man for your wife you choose to be like your dad all over again, and the chain continues with your sons.

How much is heard of a wife choosing her dad over her husband?? I don't think I've heard it before, and it has never been an issue to discuss because women don't do this. We don't do it because our mothers were sufficient in their duties towards our fathers, we saw this and have no need to fill an emotional gap that our mothers could have probably failed in.

It doesn't make sense and will not make sense when you relegate your wife because you want to act like the husband she never had, I am not saying don't treat your mother nicely, but not at the expense of you wife! "she suffered on top of my head" that's her duty as a mum and it has absolutely nothing to do with your wife. A man must be able to find the balance between both women, don't cause unnecessary emnity between the two of them.

Put up a statistics of 50 men and 50 women. You'd realize at the end of your survey that more men will choose to marry a woman like their mum compared to the number of women that would choose to have a husband like their daddy.
Have you thought about WHY? it is because these guys sees the kind of I'll treatment their mums went through in marriages, but she still stayed anyways, whether our father was a cheat, drunkard, womaniser, financially unintelligent... Who wouldn't want a woman that can handle all their excesses
For women, reverse is the case, women learn their lessons from their mothers and simply move on. That is why a modern wife will hardly take half of the bvllshit her mother endured in marriage. And you begin to wonder why these men are surprised when a woman says she cannot stay with a man like their fathers? They're surprised cos their mothers took it all in

You don't need sermon, men had and will be always choosing wife over mother, if you go with what urchins are saying you will confused, they opposite of what they posted online , ordinary girlfriend, they spend times 10 amount they give their mothers that's if they even remember to give mum.

The mumu that posted the controversial comment had come out again labelling his wife and her family gold diggers, he spent lavishly for women when things were rosy o and I (biliv) he hardly remembered family and friends then.

I hate any discussion that entails comparing these two, they are both important in their own ways and there roles cannot be underestimated, if you are lucky to have the two on your side, then count yourself lucky

Juliusdaughter:
I saw a thread on front page yesterday and marvel at how men repeatedly said they'd choose their mother over their wife, this isn't the first or 6th time I'm seeing this and it's becoming a norm among our men. I just feel to shed some lights on this issue.

Firstly, this has become like a 'hand-down' whatever on the side of men, and this can be traced to how our dads treated our mums. Whichever man chooses his mum over his wife is doing so to put up with his father's failure. Your father failed in his husband duties and you obviously saw it growing up, rather than learn your lessons and try to be a better man for your wife you choose to be like your dad all over again, and the chain continues with your sons.

How much is heard of a wife choosing her dad over her husband?? I don't think I've heard it before, and it has never been an issue to discuss because women don't do this. We don't do it because our mothers were sufficient in their duties towards our fathers, we saw this and have no need to fill an emotional gap that our mothers could have probably failed in.

It doesn't make sense and will not make sense when you relegate your wife because you want to act like the husband she never had, I am not saying don't treat your mother nicely, but not at the expense of you wife! "she suffered on top of my head" that's her duty as a mum and it has absolutely nothing to do with your wife. A man must be able to find the balance between both women, don't cause unnecessary emnity between the two of them.

Put up a statistics of 50 men and 50 women. You'd realize at the end of your survey that more men will choose to marry a woman like their mum compared to the number of women that would choose to have a husband like their daddy.
Have you thought about WHY? it is because these guys sees the kind of I'll treatment their mums went through in marriages, but she still stayed anyways, whether our father was a cheat, drunkard, womaniser, financially unintelligent... Who wouldn't want a woman that can handle all their excesses
For women, reverse is the case, women learn their lessons from their mothers and simply move on. That is why a modern wife will hardly take half of the bvllshit her mother endured in marriage. And you begin to wonder why these men are surprised when a woman says she cannot stay with a man like their fathers? They're surprised cos their mothers took it all in

Aunty,an average Nigerian woman chooses her parents above her hubby,they not just sincere enough to say it, unlike men.
I for one,desire a female child to a male.
This is because,an average woman have a way they drag the attention of their hubby to their own family, picking fights if the man attempts to concentrate on his people.
The day the man dies,she clearly shows her true colors about how she actually prefer her parents (dad inclusive) to her hubby,by totally abandoning her in-laws.
My point is,if really a woman loves her husband than her dad,she will equally direct the love she has for her parents towards her inlaws.
But, come to think of it, you want me to love my wife,who can move on because things have gone rough,to my innocent mum who will stick to me for better for worse?
You know why there's no English word to describe the separation between mum and kids unlike "divorce"?

Jesslove:
I hate any discussion that entails comparing these two, they are both important in their own ways and there roles cannot be underestimated, if you are lucky to have the two on your side, then count yourself lucky

been going through your comments. You are a woman endowed with wisdom

OP, the only reason you don’t hear much about men complaining about their father in-laws is because men are logical. It’s not because our fathers treated our mothers badly.

Personally, the only way I will think my wife puts her dad before me is if she sleeps with her dad, and I’m sure it’s the same for most guys.

There’s really no logical way a man can put his mom above his wife, it’s you women who engage in unnecessary comparison.

There are many women who are bread winners of their extended families, they work, pay their brothers fee, take care of their parents but leave the responsibilities of provision for their immediate family to their husbands, and the husbands are proud of them.

A man buys his mom a car and it’s a problem, he buys your mum a car and he’s a good husband. I’m not putting the blame on just wives, some mothers can be trouble too. All I’m saying is it’s a woman’s thing to be jealous over trivial things, most men don’t have such problems.