LT26 | Atheist, Theist, Agnostic? —Believer.

Part 1

The Stillborn?

I of all persons should have known that man is not purposeless on earth; that God truly knew us from the womb and called us. But I guess we sometimes choose to deny obvious things in our lives whenever it feels convenient to do so.

The story of my birth is a dramatic one: A picture of the dead being raised to life again; given a second chance at life – a life that’s not theirs to live [as they want]. My parents were told that the child being carried was dead – it would be still-born; and the most logical thing to do was to carry out an abortion to remove the decaying organism.

This process went according to plan. But the twist in the plot came when I was found to be breathing. Now this is no time to berate medical practice for their misdiagnosis because in actual fact, my body was decaying – I have some marks of that to this day. I would later have a plastic surgery to correct some of these anomalies. I don’t mean here to sound petty, but I would later learn that the surgeon died barely a week after conducting that procedure. I was told that one role he had in life was to give me a chance at a normalised life – he did his part and signed out of this world. I therefore must see clearly that God had put him in place to help me get this far with life.



Growing Up

I grew up feeling very effeminate. If the cause of this was that I was groomed by a lot of aunts and my mum; or that the manly figure in the family was working from a distance to maintain us – I don’t know and it doesn’t matter.

I thought very little of this until I stepped into higher classes at Primary School and I became the taunt of the “manly boys.” For the first time, I couldn’t accept myself as I was and there is no doubt to a purposeful life than the thought that there is a fundamental emotional or psychological error in ones composition. In my case, it had me raising questions: What have I done wrong; did God make a mistake; was I inadequate; was such a life worth living anyways? Questions turned into doubt about God’s creative ability; then anger brewed! Rage formed within me for all who taunted and I spent time hating going to school more than concentrating on the issues at hand.



Mind battles: down the lane of corruption

A moment came in my growth process when I used to hang out with my uncle to watch late-night Nollywood movies. One can, of course, imagine that a child of 7 had acquainted himself with the popular thematic issues of rape, adultery, ‘cheating’, and romance for which the industry was famed for. Then I noticed how much I loved the coziness that those intimate TV scenes created within me and there was the beginning of the end of sexual innocence and the start down a terrible road of years of masturbation. I would never realize early enough that doing things to change our perceptions in front of people to gain the favour of men, could lead down roads of disasters and irrecoverability.

At school, I could not perform well in my academics. If I looked at the board, I was almost seeing through the teachers’ clothes. To make matters worse, I could even fantasize about female and male teachers. And to think that this is what it meant for a child to do things men did! In class results, I had a consistent position/grade among the second tier of 10 and our class sizes were not large. I then began to think (and seriously too) that my brain was dysfunctional.

Strangely enough, I carried on with my movie nights; with watching music channels and doing all the things DSTV premium could give the viewer. I had a fun experience with growth and grooming: I spent a lot of time at my Uncle’s. He was a legislator and lived in a large house; there was stable power; the freedom of DSTV; the pleasure of not having him around till late at night; the vast network of people to help with chores; the air of aristocracy. Without anyone to regulate me, my viewing interest became gravely corrupted.

Part 2

MY SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION

Use The Rod, Spare The Child

Years later in mid-Primary 4- 5, we had to live with my parents more often now. My dad was working within the state now and my mum had some ease with her study schedule. This is when the discipline for all those years came in arrears. I was beaten with brooms, canes and anything. I surely had shocked this lady with how different I had become. Under these normal circumstances, the influence of TV had weaned; and as a devout person, mum led us out of the shadows of gloom and evil to a regenerated life in the way she could. As a devout person, mum would lead us into prayers and Bible reading (cultures I always abandoned once beyond her supervision).

Thankfully, my academics began to improve and I saw a great boost in my spiritual life. I became very respectful and a good student at the ‘Sunday Schools.’ Sadly, my anger and unforgiveness towards my classmates continued. I was always in an inferiority war with the males in particular and loathed them when they seemed to have the upper hand. Recently, I realized that I hadn’t let go of the anger towards them but I have received grace to forgive.



The Moralist

On admission to Secondary School, I basically used the faith of my parents to survive. I realize now that I never had a faith of my own; I was serving the God of my parents and not my God. Though in a Christian School [devoted to training child disciples of Christ]; I was a committed moralist and nothing more. I had a venomous temper- it was so noticeable. When I was first told this, I abhorred the observer, wondering whether his standard of morality could measure up to mine in order to qualify him to pass a judgement. Was not the hallmark of life to be a conformist to societal norms and have generous approval ratings; to be seen as a good man? Much to my dislike, this boy was absolutely right but I had no interest in changing the state of those affairs.

In JS2, I became quite unhappy with myself. I began longing for the feelings I had been having from masturbating. Sadly, I seemed to get really silly in this class, and academics suffered greatly. I started a relationship with a girl. I was completely lost and I realized my need for God. At a tarry meeting one Friday night on campus, I was convicted by the passage in Isaiah 1:18 that calls on the people to come to God and reason with Him over their condition. He promises that though their sins are as red or dark as the deepest forms of those colours, they shall be white as snow.



Finding God

I began my first deliberate walk with God by mid-JS2 and the first moments were ordinary and without any explosive or sensational encounters. I recall that I used to pray for the gift of speaking in tongues earnestly so as to pass French but it was never answered. I began to slide into despair. I would do everything as rightly as a normal Christian should, but I felt no inner joy of salvation; I was so saddened that God didn’t give me an intelligence-boosting miracle. Now I know what Job meant when he said ‘though He slays me, yet I will trust Him,’ though I don’t see turnarounds in my physical life, I would serve Him still. But I didn’t know this!

By JSS3, an education evangelist came to our school and educated us on having a reading plan/schedule and following it. He basically spoke on academic discipline and I needed this rather than a contention with God over a mind-blowing miracle. Essentially, those moments of weariness with the faith would have been dispensed with if I had simply been disciplined as a good soldier of Christ. Looking back at it now, I realised that it was really wrong to expect that faith would save me without works aimed at achieving those goals.

Part 3

Standing In The Middle

I had very good moments in this class. I was in love with studying my Bible. I read it through. I read through my hymn book to glorify God through the praise He had inspired on the lips of men. I had amazing understanding of my books. I later in the class assisted the Chapel Prefect. Honestly, the sort of discipline that I exhibited during that period was surprising even to me. I continued in this light till SS1.

By this time, I started slipping back to bitterness: I hated my colleagues who taunted me and bullied. Strangely, many people assume that it should be taken as normal because it is presumably a joke. But jokes should not be made on persons or about them no matter how they appear not to show any emotion at first. We called it “kwaffing”; we used that cover to attack families, physical appearances, etc, but had no idea how it left the victim. I had so much anger and unforgiveness towards many of my classmates. Then I had to ‘break up’ with my girlfriend to ‘date’ another (though this new one never exactly accepted me). I sometimes feel very sad that I caused so much pain to that young girl. It’s why Solomon says we shouldn’t stir up love before it is time – the devastation from that heartbreak haunted us till we left school.

While in SS2, I used to fantasize with some people who weren’t my enemies about what I would do when I became the Senior Prefect [for having an office in SS1 had by tradition, placed me next in line]. I had won at the student electoral college the previous day and was receiving congratulations; but was really surprised when a different name was announced the next day. I was later told that a member of management raised an objection. This all plunged me into a deep depression; anger towards whoever did that and a great suspicion of my colleagues who rejoiced at this turn of events. This was coming at a time when I lost my ‘girlfriend’ to another guy. I felt so broken that I refused to do anything in that position for almost an entire term. I was ungrateful and had a sense of entitlement. With my pride crushed, I abandoned spirituality and was getting involved with romance novels.



Taking A Turn For The Worse

At one period of my despair at home, I used my Uncle’s phone and came across pure pornography for the first time. I was completely spell-bound by what I saw and never wanted to leave. My thirst for this sexual-stimulant drove me to deep interaction with the network of girl who had and rotated such novels in my class. Knowing that it was bad, we would cover them with papers to ward off inquisition. Thankfully, there was this movement or campaign in School called ‘True Love Waits’. It would be the restraining force holding from implementing the things we read. But sadly, I became bound to masturbation for the remainder of my time there. It is needless to say that my spirit was decayed

Part 4

Becoming An Atheist

When I got into University, my father retired from service. After making some huge investments, the businesses crashed. I hated that there was not enough money or that things were getting hard. I became obsessed with trying to get wealthy so as to never experience this kind of misfortune again. I began to see my dad stay at home more often and I was losing my respect for him with each passing month.

In 2015, there was a moment when the church where I had grown from childhood was preaching something different from what we’ve always known – the modern hyper-grace message. My parents were really shocked at this turn of events and suspicious of the outcomes. By February 2016, my mum was finding solace with a new Church that was quite extreme; Dad stopped going anywhere; I started having doubts about everything I previously knew about. Then there was all the talk from Marx about[b] ‘religion being the opium of the masses[/b]’ and from Dan Brown with his novels. I began to question so many things; disrespect church leaders; view religion as a grand extortion scheme; think that ignorance and simplicity made men need religion.

I was exhibiting bad behaviour at home. I would dodge the chance to go to Church. I could lie that I was going to my mum’s church but I would sneak to school. I would claim I went to church with my cousin, but I would spend Sunday reading in my Faculty. In addition to these, I had influence on Facebook and constantly conjured stories and articles that promoted atheism. [/b]With a background of criticism and taunting, I had no issue when people attacked me for those posts. I would even challenge my critics that it was better to be a moral atheist than a Christian (judging by the standards of Christians who still struggle with sins). I would tell them to thank me for saying what their lifestyles represent- that they live as if there is no God. I made friends with a colleague who turned after reading the book; A Farewell to God. My cousin exposed my reckless statement to my parents and I got a good beating.



[b]Family feud

One day, I had a quarrel with my little sister. I had always hated her for her weight and that she was the last to be born. What started as a worry that seatbelts at the back could accommodate only 3 children, grew to a suspicion that if not for her, there would be more resources for us. I already had two sisters and a half-sister. The birth of this one was completely an unnecessary addition in my estimation. How this began as a simple idea and grew into a sophisticated vendetta had amazed me. One day while we had a quarrel, I promised her that I would kill her.

My parents took this threat seriously and my Dad took me to his church. It was an early morning meeting. I was woken from sleep and asked to follow along. I thought it was a usual medical emergency concerning a family member and dressed without much care. To my surprise, we arrived at a church hall. I spent the whole meeting sulking and getting so angry that I was there; improperly dressed at that! At the end of the service, the pastor called me out and asked me why I was moody throughout the session. My father mentioned that I was having some mental issues and the pastor concluded that I was to be delivered from madness. The congregation began praying for me and I was anointed with oil. I was enraged! I would not forgive him or my little sister for a long time.

Part 5

A Troubled Soul

I was so hateful of my Dad that I completely shut him out of my affection. I never spoke to him except when greeting him or asking for the weekly pocket money. I wouldn’t stay in the same car with him. In short, hatred had so formed that I thought of killing him as the characters in Chimamanda Adichie’s Purple Hibiscus had done to their ‘tyrannical’ father. But the sword he had in his room was sharper than the machete I had access to.

A watershed came in December 2016 with the collapse of a church building on congregants. I was absolutely thrilled as the atheist community was, that we have fresh proof that God was powerless- and surely no commentators were able to refute that claim or do so intelligently. I relished the vindication that tragedy brought to my argument.

In the mist of all these, I was making tremendous waves in academics- serving as a model to people that there could be success in life without religious devotion. I’m bound to say that I was enormously proud. I got involved in student politics and got an executive appointment. I was called the ‘most reasonable adviser of Mr President’. I insulted seniors and even said that they ‘were not my intellectual mates’. From outside, I seemed not to have issues, but within me, I was completely engrossed with masturbation (I could not go a day without it) and I’d convince myself that I wasn’t raping anybody; I was deep into sad music from singers like Enya, Adele, Rihanna and others who sang any depressing or heartbreaking song. My playlist made me enjoy lonely moments and deep broodings within myself.

At some point, with this strange feeling of heartbreak, I became strongly involved in the LGBT cause. I somehow started convincing myself that women were heartbreakers and this marriage or relationship thing would not last and should not be promoted. I became overly suspicious of any female; I distrusted them. I convinced myself that gay relations would last longer and have less issues. I was ready to date a guy at the earliest opportunity or at least campaign for the acceptance of homosexuality- after all societies that brought our religion to us had accepted this. If they taught us what we now know, we should follow them all the way.

I had no peace. I would sleep very late and wake up early. I would leave to school early enough to avoid conversations with my parents and come home very late (9pm at least) to ensure that we were too tired to have a conversation. On my bed, I would feel very uncomfortable and keep turning and swirling. The last thing I knew was joy. This was all so much torment. Yet I kept my pretentious ‘all-is-well-face’ during the day.

Part 6

Pleasant Acquaintances: God Found Me

I made some friends along the way while being notorious. First, there were these colleagues of mine in God’s Lighthouse (a male and female) who strangely and for reasons beyond my comprehension and for which I cannot particularly place, were acquainted with me. At first, I had the usual suspicion for the female, and my gay resolve made me reluctant to think of making her a friend. I always tried to push these two away once I surmised that they were from the same stock. But I later got weary trying to shrug them off. They were very friendly and kind to me, unlike a lot of theists who would curse me by their gods.

In one of my outburst at school, I promised that as well as I could, I would fight to ensure that faculty halls were not unduly used by the student fellowship to the dismay of non-Christian students. This statement is important because sometime in 2017, I was seated in the hall when the fellowship walked in to hold their Bible Study as the rain disturbed them at their usual venue. They explained to people in the hall the circumstance (as they usually do) and some people left. I moved to the back of the hall and continued with my work.

The teacher was a very audible speaker. He taught as one having authority and I couldn’t avoid hearing him. Had I not needed to power my phone and finish my work, I would have left but did the Lord want that? I stayed on till he mentioned that he and his father had never been on good terms. I got interested when he mentioned this. He later on told their story and how it ended in victory through forgiveness and submission.

After the season, I met with him as he approached me to request for some charge on his device. I spoke of how I had a similar situation at home, and that I felt stonewalling my Dad was the solution. He spoke with me about forgiveness and submission, but I simply said those weren’t things I was willing to commit to. Thankfully, this was the beginning of a long friendship or mentorship.

I started hanging out with him and another student of his. From the resources on his laptop, many of my arguments seemed to be collapsing and the Lord softened my heart to acknowledge when to let something go. It would all be different if I was pig-headed about what I thought I knew. I joined him on a team to prepare for the Faculty accreditation from the Universities Commission. During this time, I listened to so many teachings and saw a lot of things from his resources. Much later, I joined him to hold the pre-study for the fellowship. Though I didn’t like it all at first and only stayed out of courtesy for him, I became emotional about what he taught and started bringing my Bible along. At home, to ensure we attended church, we divided church attendance between our parents and cousins in a month.

Within the same timeframe, I accepted to join my male friend from GLH to a meeting hosted in one of the study halls of the university. I felt we would get over with it soon, but the meeting lasted and centred on relationships and marriage- and testimonies of finding the right person at the right time under the right circumstances. Out of courtesy for my host, I stayed, but I hated it.

Slowly I began to submit to my Dad’s authority; resist the urge to quarrel with my siblings and so on. At the same moment, my academics began to suffer.I had wasted considerable time on politics and I would desist the invitations to join brothers in the fellowship to study. I count this as a miracle because I needed some wounding to my pride in order to stay level-headed. Those moments made me consider the things that mattered and how we went through life concerning ourselves with less important ones. I thought of myself and the power we had as a stepping stone to a ‘greater future’; but it turned out that all flesh is grass and its loveliness is like flowers in the field which wither and fade (Isaiah 40:6-.

Part 7

Learning To Walk

By August 2017, my mentor and friend was done with school. I met him and confided that I thought I should give my life to Christ. He encouraged me and prayed with me. I shared my testimony with the Pastor at my Mum’s church and got baptised in September. I was left with those two friends from GLH and for the first time, I willingly accepted an invitation to come. My atheist friends (now an agnostic) had come previously and we enjoyed making fun of the things said.

I joined the male for an evening meeting but could not stay till the end. I was absolutely enraged that it lasted for that long and presented all the arguments against having meetings till that time. It took a lot of persuading from the female friend to attend subsequent meetings as she guaranteed that I could leave when I had to. The series being studied was on wisdom (worldly wisdom versus heavenly wisdom) from James 3:13-18 primarily. I saw myself in that series; a young man who had been pursuing the earthly, sensual wisdom, but needed the true wisdom that comes from above.

I thought I should stay on, but GLH demanded a lot of devotion of time, concentration, seriousness and commitment and I was being careful not to get back into what my parents came out from – a Pentecostal denomination. The problem was that I couldn’t exactly tell if this was that type of church or not. From the messages they shared with me and the other materials we got, we saw things from other preachers especially those who taught truth; persons unknown in the popular circles of Christendom. For the first time in my phone’s usage, I could use my phone for something spiritually beneficial.

Sometime in year 2018, my mum was speaking about some disturbing trends she had observed in her church and how she would want to fully commit to the non-denominational organization she was involved in. I thought I needed a break from that too and I tended to join her for the house-service or devotion than go anywhere. As the Lord was merciful, the brothers at GLH have a great way of checking up on one another. I was reached out to with words and encouragement to continue in this new path. I don’t think I wanted to devote myself there, but my female friend was really on my neck.

I would have gladly committed to following the Lord but I still felt dirty. I couldn’t exactly stop masturbating or let go of depression and unforgiveness or anger. My consolation throughout that period were associates and friends both at the fellowship and GLH. I had access to phones and collected messages and audios which were helpful in my despair. I was among brothers who shared their passwords and had nothing to hide. I really prayed to reach this level someday- when my closet would be rid of skeletons. As the Lord strengthened me, I came as I was.

I must say that at the time, I was not particular about attending the Believers’ Bible School. I however gave in. Sometimes it surprises me how foolish my own disobedience was. With the BBS, I truly heard stuff I hadn’t heard before and understood signs, symbols and shadows that were all over the scriptures. I was reluctant to attend subsequent cycles despite being expressly told during announcements that we should attend until we knew how to teach it. It would be only till much later that I attended these classes the way I should.

Part 8

Woes Of Disobedience

In August 2018, I attended a retreat in Abuja from my mum’s organisation. In Kogi, we were attacked by gunmen. Seeing the Muslim community running out to help rescue us made me understand that Muslims or herdsmen were not exactly the issue. These were rustlers or pure bandits and if they were fighting to eradicate Christians, this Muslim community wouldn’t have rallied around to help us. I saw the army arrive within minutes and help out. It was a moment to reflect on the lessons we were taught back at GLH about love and forgiveness towards our fellow countrymen. I was really grateful to God after that near-death experience. The rest of the year had me devoted to study, the word and discipline. I was engrossed in reading books and listening to many audios.

Incidentally, I started to develop an infatuation for the sister who helped bring me to GLH. Looking back at the situation, I discovered that I must have been spending a lot of time with her and this bonding went too far. In comparison, I didn’t make a lot of friends with other people in GLH- much to my regret. We had always been told to mingle and build true friendships among ourselves; but I never really did this because I told myself “I am not a social person”. Understandably, I got emotionally attracted to the person who was close to me already. I never reported this to my shepherd (senior brothers or sisters in the faith who assist newer people to grow in the faith). I forced myself to make excuses for this even when I knew that this sought of behaviour is not permitted.

Sometime in 2019, I became painfully aware that I couldn’t keep this up: I couldn’t woo my sister; we couldn’t allow ourselves get into a relationship. She seemed to see me as a brother, but I wanted her for myself. I think I confided in my shepherd (I am not too sure); then I was given a message on “Emotional Stability for Leadership”. I had to let go of the castles I had built in my head about this sister; it was such an agonizing period for me. However, I couldn’t say I never knew the consequences of inordinate affection; we had always been told to guard our hearts and have love for Christ, but doing something wrong requires that you delude yourself that you are doing the right thing or at least make excuses why your case is different. Dear reader, I can’t explain enough how a heartbreak ruins your spiritual life- whether Bible study, prayer or fellowship. It seems to drown you in misery. I started becoming friends with more brothers and sisters and the likelihood of having someone special shrunk.



Braving It On The Streets: Love And Evangelism

The Pastor usually tells us that if we can’t handle the devotion and intensity of a deep walk with God, we could choose to leave. Although I had heard this a lot of times, I somehow convinced myself that I would brave the circumstances and continue to stay. Alas, it came to the point where we had to go on evangelism, boldly declare our faith to other people, talk about the words of God like current affairs, preach in public transport and similar declarations of Jesus. I began to falter when it got to this stage: fear more than I could imagine had gripped me; I had such difficulty in doing this. I waited for months before I could start. I was not faithful to the message I had heard and I didn’t want to feel shame for Christ; or lose my dignity or life for Him. It weighed me down so much whenever my brothers and sisters testified of how they had overcome their fears and become bolder, while I was still far behind. I had to cry out for help: I confessed to my shepherd and I sought help from the brothers.

Part 9

My Journey In The Faith

I started very slowly: I would speak with the taxi driver beside me; I would speak with classmates individually; speak to roommates and co-workers; smuggle in my life testimony and the work of God into situations of other people similar to mine. It was not easy at first, and I had a lot of quaking. However, the grace of the Lord was sufficient to me. Ordinarily, I like to remain in my shell, mind my business and not answer anybody. But it seems clear to me that the Lord expects us to go out of our way to make things clear to people. He expects us to reach out of our selfish shells and self-centeredness to meet the spiritual needs of our neighbour. This is what it means to love God and love your neighbour as yourself. Your devotion to God obligates you to work for Him and your love for the neighbour obligates you to introduce Christ to them. In the same vein, we cannot resign to say things like “that’s how I am”. We are called to change how we are constantly until we get into the full image of Christ. We must make ourselves better versions everyday as we see the dawn whether melancholy, sanguine, etc.

By August 2019, we had to leave GLH because our time there was at an end. I had fears of continuing in the faith without the immediate supervision of my brothers or shepherd. Nevertheless, I had cause to reflect on the last couple of years. I noticed that I had truly received the washing of water by the word. I reflected on how much I had been soaked in the word that my speech and conversation had changed; my habits of masturbation had not crept up for the longest time; my unruly temper was lost and forgotten; questions which made me doubt the faith at first were issues which I was explaining expertly; my parents and I had a mutual spiritual interdependence; my relationship with my family was restored and I felt so loved; I made friends with so many people even I previously termed myself “unsociable”. With this confidence in how far the Lord has helped me, I began to bravely accept life beyond GLH. It was all a training, and it was time to live as I’d been taught.

On another limb, I had seen God provide for my every need. I always had the ambition to make a lot of money so as not to suffer from limited resources as I did. But it turns out that the Lord had truly worked on my passions. I learnt to see Him as my provider and I never got disappointed with Him. I walked long distances when I didn’t have enough money, and I learned humility in asking the siblings for help when I needed some. For reasons beyond my comprehension, I saw myself finishing school with all my bills paid and my needs provided. I saw first-hand the demonstration of financial reliance on God. Even though my Pastor had been testifying from his own experiences, the reality kicked in when I saw it myself.



Part 10

Academic Excellence!!!

In the trimester of July to October, I had cause to test my academic abilities. I noticed how good my understanding had become. I was excelling in academics and experiencing a flourishing intellect. I found favour with my lecturers and their courses. By favour, I mean that I had marvellous understanding. My siblings in my class obeyed instructions from pastor to form study groups in order read together and we took these very seriously. Our group studies and prayers were such a blessing to me and I had clearer insights on what I was taught. I could explain my courses of proficiency and rely on the experience of others for ones I didn’t understand as much.

The popular thinking is that people in GLH don’t excel because they have an astonishing devotion to God. The truth is that the things which make up “academic proficiency” have been infiltrated with examination misconduct, dishonesty with assigned tasks, and plagiarism in research. If these are filtered out and there is a levelled ground, students would discover that honest academic strides cannot immediately measure up with the former ways. With this understanding, I want to make it clear that academic success is possible as it was with me. But it comes with hard work, discipline and devotion. Having learnt these, I went on some competitions in the course of the period and excelled therein. We won the national rounds of a competition and became 1st runners-up at the continental level. This shows that we aren’t some anti-educationists and we shouldn’t be mistaken for that.

My final year Long Essay was a testimony to God’s provision and inspiration. I am saying this because I had lost the drive for that project and whatever I could write was a result of His grace. I had a “B” for the work and I published it much later.

At this moment, pride was something which had naturally crept in. It was very subtle and it would appear as gratitude to God or motivation to others, but within me it was pride in my accomplishments. I might not be skilled in pointing what pride is in another’s life, but when it comes to that man called myself, I knew I needed the Lord to help me stay humble.

By the beginning of 2020, I had to relocate in pursuit of another degree. While there, I resolved to advance in my faith regardless of the distance. Thankfully, the tools for live streaming of services and the interactive platform on messaging platforms kept me in close touch with the siblings at home.

I devoted myself to having a schedule as we were taught in church I was strict about my prayer times and intercession for fellow students. I joined the body of Christians there in order to teach the truths I had learned back at home. I showed my roommates the exemplary Christian life. Although I hesitated for weeks, I eventually discussed with my roommates the Believers’ Bible Series. After that experience, evangelism became less awkward and I could even challenge false doctrines permeating the fellowship.

My journey in the faith has been a tumultuous one. I have had moments of despair and uncertainty. Even now, I don’t consider myself too experienced not to submit to the authority of my shepherd or the house. At a time, my shepherd was my colleague and I still had to show her the respect I would have shown the previous one. The temptations have been very strong and the seasons have been induced with fear. But the grace of God is the strength He gives us to run and not be weary. His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses and He helps us overcome them daily. God’s way is a daily work and as He wants us to fight well and overcome. The way to overcome is to hold fast to what we were taught.



The End



– Bro AEA

2020 Update:

AEA is advancing through a career in Law and Diplomacy. He is devoted to raising disciples of Christ among younger persons in Secondary schools in Akwa Ibom.

He can be reached via email at testifiers@g-lh.org

© God’s Lighthouse 2020

Tales From Home

I have quite an interesting family. My parents have a rough marriage, stay in two different rooms and have avoided each other most of the time as a result.

One time, my elder sister saw my dad with another woman. When my dad realized, he bribed her with meat not to tell my mum when she got back. However, she told my mum. I can only imagine the pain. The only time I notice my parents conversing for long was either on business or my dad saying things about how he slept with the neighbour’s wife or the bartender – just different women.

My mum told us these things as we grew older but she really didn’t need to, because we saw him woo every lady that came to the house: the teacher, mum’s sister, our friends, etc. He also used to come home drunk. I dreaded marriage or relationships because of these.

He never allowed us (the children) play or bond together, so we used to do it in secret. He hated seeing us look nice and so, he would terrorize us with words and beatings sometimes, whenever we dressed nicely for anything. I mean we tried to make him happy by making food or something on his birthdays, but he would beat or insult or do something emotionally wrecking. And so somehow, we determined over time never to dress well again (like people with no clothes). We got used to doing that so I grew up not knowing how to dress properly.

When I met one of the sisters in church here, Sis I. during my NYSC, this was one of the things that she addressed because I often wore dark colours, sometimes all black or dark brown. Imagine having money [being financially comfortable] and looking unkempt or shabby. After much encouragement, she helped me learn to dress and look better. It’s still something God is working on because I really couldn’t look at the mirror and properly assess how I looked before going out. It was at this point that things started to change and God began healing my heart with His life-giving words.

I desperately wanted to be loved. My sister and I had to put to death our emotions and at some point, we became suicidal as a result of not knowing what to do to please my father. The constant transfer of aggression, hearing my mum talk about how he takes her money and doesn’t give her money for all the responsibilities at home, whereas he spends money on women, amongst other things really got to us. Listening to these things at the age of 7 was really painful. There was a time I took my dad’s new money notes and kept them in the dog’s cage [just to get at him]. Once, we drank the liquid soap used for washing plates at that time but we didn’t die. We made bad choices. My sister even ate rat poop. Thinking about it now, I’m sorry for her, but it didn’t work.

We never said any mushy, sisterly or emotional things like “I love you” or “I’ll miss you” or anything. We didn’t show care or weakness. The good news is that since I began to get close to God, and other Christians, I’m beginning to ‘feel’ more than before. Now I can be hurt and express it. I know it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to acknowledge you are weak, it’s okay to miss people, it’s okay to love people. Although, it’s something I fight because most times I love to withdraw from people and not show emotions but God through Sister I. has pushed me into feeling more and trusting God with others I meet.

Part 2
Religion And Me

My dad is an unbeliever from a Muslim background. Growing up, my family attended a white garment church, and my mum used to give us concoctions for protection from my grandfather, because they practice African Traditional religion. We also had piercings from a church, bathed in the sea and many rivers, used coconut, candle, palm fronds and turkey or pigeon egg, all sorts of things. My sister even used catfish’s blood to wash her legs one time! They would say all these things were to prevent the evil people from killing us.

My mum had sworn an oath that she and her children would never leave the white garment church. When I was in my mum’s womb, she told me how she would walk on the streets and randomly, different people would call her and advise her to go and make a sacrifice, else either she or I would die but she kept refusing. However, on the day she was to give birth to me, she fell into a gutter. It was like the enemy had been trying to own me. The kind of sacrifices they would have done would have certified his claim on me [as I’ve learnt in church now that these sacrifices open the door]. She [my mum] said she would “stick with God”. I don’t really get it, because both the advice to undertake sacrifices then, and the pattern of worship in the church group I grew up in were similar, and they were definitely not [of] God.

We all have Muslim names in my family based on my dad’s background. I was a Muslim for the briefest time. I think I’ve always been one to cause trouble [challenge the status quo]. For instance, after joining my mum to the white garment church at home, while in secondary school, I began to admire their reverence for Allah. From JSS 1 to SS3, we recited the Islamic prayer on Thursdays and Fridays and I thought then that it meant the Muslim God and Christian God were the same. I began to go with them to pray because they actually feared Allah and were very organized, unlike the white garment church which to me, wasn’t. Also, my home tutor was ordering me not to go for the prayers which motivated me all the more to go. I did these things in rebellion.

Manipulation games

I think in primary 3, a boy touched my thighs all the way up, and from then on, I got comfortable with it and didn’t complain when another boy did it in primary 5 and another in JSS1. I was shown pornography by the boy in JSS1 and I learnt weird sexual things which I practiced with him in class.

I’ve always been strong willed and inquisitive. I somehow had a nice and matured voice over the phone too, so when I was in JSS2, I used to dial random numbers (belonging to men). One was in his 40’s, another was his 30’s, I think. I never met them but I indulged in what’s called “phone intimacy” and they would send me airtime for this.

I liked mind manipulation even at the young age of 12 or thereabout. I used to think of how I could get into guys’ minds, and conquer them to make them fall for me and be hung on me so I could call the shots. All of this was just a cover up for my broken or messed up heart that desperately needed approval, commendation, guidance and a direct show of affection. No one gave that in my house, everyone was pretty much emotionless. It was not until the wife of the man in his 30’s called me on the phone, and called me a husband snatcher that I felt terrible and stopped.

Then I tried moving on to psyching up my classmates and understanding their emotional weaknesses. I repented when I got worse and strangely began to start plucking out my own hair, from every part of my body.

Part 3
Scheming Was Part Of The Package

I had this internal pain which grew worse overtime. I separated from people and couldn’t have friends for long but I was usually with people that talked about evil things. They were older than I was though.

When I told my mum that I was plucking my hair, she said it was because I wasn’t praying or reading my Bible and this frightened me. So, I went into my room to pray and told Jesus to help me. After the prayers, I stopped watching porn and the mind issues were resolved miraculously but I had no real or proper spiritual care, so it was only temporary.

When I went to the University, I left my home church – the ‘White Garment’ church for good. My mum at the time was against it but it didn’t really matter because once I made up my mind, there was really no going back. I wasn’t ashamed of Jesus in the University. I actively joined Bible study to know more about the Scriptures, I got baptized in water, studied the Bible and became a Sunday school teacher. I got baptized in the Holy Spirit in my second year and loved receiving revelations from the Bible.

However, in the midst of all this, I was still dealing with my many issues. I never really dealt with the rebellious and the manipulative mindset I had. I read the books – ‘The Art of Seduction’ and ‘48 Laws of Power’ and I realized I had practiced the things already written so I felt I was on track. Plus I was very observant and could sound convincing even when I lied. I could convince people to do things they didn’t want to; I convinced fellow students to travel to other countries. These things were quite easy for me. I was working while in school and persuaded CEO’s of big companies in Nigeria to partner with the International Youth NGO I was working with at the time. I think I made about eight hundred thousand for them at the time.

The point in 2016 (my second year) before my mind got twisted again and I decided to become more manipulative was when I found out my dad beat my mum. I was terrified that things were getting worse and wondered what kind of wicked God I had given my life to. My mates were doing all sorts of [bad] things but I would ignore them [just] to follow Him and this was how He wanted to repay me? So I denounced Him [God] and wanted to hurt Him back by doing the things that will displease Him.

I had another roommate, someone in my class. I took the summer time while working in a law firm in Ikoyi [internship] to study and know what pleases her so I could make her my gay partner. I’d go to work before 6am and come back by 10 or 11pm and still have time to study her. At last, she fell for me (though neither of us ever said a thing about the weirdness that almost happened). However, there was a course mate of mine I began to fancy so I had to end the ‘friendship’. I eventually got talking to her and I wrote poems [which I could do well] which contained very high sounding words. This caught her attention, being that she grew up in London so I schemed and became exactly what she wanted. I wanted to be the one to make her fall for me, then leave. I heard the Holy Spirit telling me not to go to her room or text her at night, but I would ignore Him and make calls for hours. This lady had the same trust issues as I did and for two years [after she finally fell], I tried to leave this wrong relationship as was my initial intention, but I couldn’t. Many times people would walk up to us and comment on our friendship as being so beautiful and they would like to have friendships like ours. They didn’t know it was much deeper than they saw. It became really hard to leave because she wasn’t emotionless but rather said different things I never heard my family say.

I became depressed and had severe panic attacks when I tried to cut off from her. I told my sister who is a believer and she got me to pray and soak myself in sermons; delete the lady’s contact and counselled me. I ended things with her about four months later.

Part 4
An Emotional Wreck

But then the panic attacks continued with excessive sleepless nights. Fear of abandonment would overwhelm me at night until I gave in (continued the relationship), especially after I almost jumped down from the stairs. I wasn’t able to sleep properly during this period and I lost half of my weight.

In January 2018, when things became unbearable, I knelt down to pray. It was as though something lifted from my mind when I started praying. I repented and started planning on how to withdraw from her but the panic attacks became worse, with tremors. Truth is, I had money, I had good grades, I had the contacts of some high profile people in Nigeria, and my parents had nothing to do with all of these. I was the mouthpiece for projects, plus I represented my university in Eko hotel and other places for programmes. I had a life many people wanted, but I was miserable!

Thankfully, I travelled to the US for some months and when I had those panic attacks usually at night, I couldn’t call her because of the time differences. I had no choice but to wait on God to heal me. I cried myself to sleep pretty much every day for 4 months because of the pain in my heart which was caused mainly by the hatred I had for my dad and the things my mum had said and all their issues. The unforgiveness killed me more than homosexuality did. I tried to kill myself many times but something kept pulling me back, to wait and see what God would do with me. The church I was attending at the time only cared about ‘killing their enemies and having money’.

The Hand Of God

One night while in the US, I began to pray and seek God in my desperation. I had the impression that a being came into the room and touched my heart. I felt overwhelmed by God’s love and I was suddenly fine. I had joy and peace after about 15 years of my life. I felt and knew that I was loved. This was what I greatly desired. I used to say I hate people. This was my slang and I really did. But now, thanks to God, I understand that was wrong, and now I am learning the patience to endure people.

About two weeks later, I went for NYSC and I was led to be in NCCF, and I met sister I. who God used to change my life. She helped bring the lesbianism experience to light through the word of God. I was taught how to be a friend and have friends, express emotions and how to be free and happy. I also learnt to forgive my dad by first asking God to forgive him (Sis I. who was taught by pastor Ita taught me too), and learnt to love him. Now apart from the persecution at home [that after he (dad) sent me to school, I’m wasting his money], my dad and I are fine. At least now I can say, “I love you dad”. No one uses these words in my house but me.

My insecurities are reducing as I get closer to God. The emotionless or inexpressible state I was in is gone. I’m happy and more joyful and there’s so much peace in my heart to take different decisions to seek God, like coming down to Uyo to stay and fellowship with the brethren in God’s Lighthouse. So I followed sister I. to Uyo when I was done with NYSC.

Lies from the devil

The devil gave me dreams and many warnings to flee from sister I. This is why it is so important to test and check whatever revelations we receive [I was taught this in GLH]. In one of the dreams, she was portrayed as a bad person who was stopping me from doing God’s will. Even after I started coming to God’s Lighthouse, I had a dream where the pastor had many evil spirits and I was telling sister I. that we should go and cast out the evil spirits, but she was reluctant. In the dream, I went by myself with a boldness that I thought came from God and when I was done with the boldness, I drove away in a vehicle with a guy I was formerly in a sinful relationship with! How could that have been God?

I kept mixing God’s voice with satan’s but God helped me through all that. I’m thankful to be in Uyo. I have a lot to learn.

Part 5
Leaving It All

I have been separating myself from anything and any one that would pull me away from God. Leaving past sinful relationships, deleting contacts and walking away from my former work, were part of the decisions I made to follow God. I left it all.

During my NYSC, I went to Ghana for a UN conference because, it was the UN, my dream job! I also had a colleague offer me a job in the UN in Ethiopia during my NYSC. He said I should leave NYSC, and I could stay with him as he was ready to fund me. I also almost got into Amnesty International Youth Delegation, but I felt God’s restraint. I worked in a very big commercial law firm and it was funny how I got in.

Pride in my intellect almost finished me. I was working while schooling yet I had a GP of 4.89 that semester. That made me confident and all my many exposures would have made me meet a lot of people and increase my network. I was into networking and liked to have a lot of contacts.

Somehow I didn’t have a go ahead in my heart. I felt like God wanted me to just have a break from all of that, and stay back in Uyo and learn more of Him. It wasn’t so easy but I stayed back. Later on, one of the senators called me to come and just stay in his office, to just visit Abuja and to attend his son’s Gala (he was a musician) which would have been a perfect avenue to meet his friends, family, more senators and people!

I could as well have become a networker for his son, or sold my way into being his son’s spokesperson just by sitting down there, talking, relating with people and all that. But I knew I would have to compromise what God was telling me at the moment, to be in that kind of event. And God seemed to be putting a restriction on my travelling. So instead, I went for spiritual conferences like the one held in Jos at that time. These things helped me make decisions to stand and follow God’s will through.

I had meetings with heads of Polish embassy, and the European Union at the time too. I would have just gotten back into my busy routines. God gave me the grace to turn them down. Somehow during the period I was to visit the Polish embassy, I had a lot of favour from these kinds of meetings. I sent someone else to go on my behalf. I’ve been very ambitious but I don’t know how this happened. I left it all and focused on my service year and on God. I’ve also deleted and blocked some contacts.

I’ve obeyed in little things and desperately want to do more. Many will see me now as ‘NFA’ (No Future Ambition) in this age. God bless them. But right now, I’m just learning to wait on God with total surrender and no plans. And I’m so joyful and peaceful in the midst of it all!

A Place for Me too!

When I went for a conference in Jos, I felt terrible when I saw brethren from God’s Lighthouse, and how they had a relationship with God. I wanted to have one also! One of the prayers Pastor prayed for me was the Bible verse I read about how some workers came in early in the morning, and some others were brought in quite late. But the owner of the vineyard paid them equally. He went on to add that the first shall be the last and the last first (Matthew 20:1-16). I was greatly encouraged, I felt there was room for me too. I know I can also be a part of God’s army!

Now I’m different. I have peace. I don’t try to manipulate or read people’s minds. I used to like the challenge but I see God always killing those desires with His love and His word. I used to be afraid of myself and what I could do with my kind of mind but I saw Galatians 2:20 and now I can trust God to handle me.

I have been able to evangelize too! I preached to some cultists with boldness… It even made one of them angry but he became gentle later.

I used to think that growing in God was all about fasting for long hours and waking up in the night to pray ‘dangerous’ prayers. I practiced this at first before I came to fellowship here (God’s Lighthouse) and learn more, but I was just getting more and more weary, and barely knew God’s words. Now I’m learning to sit and listen more, and to pay attention to God’s words corporately and personally. This therefore helps me obey Him, and pray with more faith, with ease, and more importantly, according to His will.

Thank God!

– Sis T.O

© God’s Lighthouse 2019.

Benzyluv,I can't shake the feeling that what you have fallen for is nothing different from what over 2 billion who proclaim themselves Christians in the world today have, and that is an illusion that pretend to be God. Why? Because God is not in your churches and the many groups and denominations out there. He never commanded them so they are not of Him. He calls you instead to come DIRECTLY to Him instead. He will answer you, if you will be willing to submit to and obey His Law, Jesus Christ.

Kobojunkie:
Benzyluv,I can't shake the feeling that what you have fallen for is nothing different from what over 2 billion who proclaim themselves Christians in the world today have, and that is an illusion that pretend to be God. Why? Because God is not in your churches and the many groups and denominations out there. He never commanded them so they are not of Him. He calls you instead to come DIRECTLY to Him instead. He will answer you, if you will be willing to submit to and obey His Law, Jesus Christ.

Jesus answered them and said, “My doctrine is not Mine, but His who sent Me. If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know concerning the doctrine, whether it is from God or whether I speak on My own authority. He who speaks from himself seeks his own glory; but He who seeks the glory of the One who sent Him is true, and no unrighteousness is in Him.
John 7:16‭-‬18 NKJV

Test all things; hold fast what is good.

I Thessalonians 5:21 NKJV

Well, what you say may be correct but not entirely true, those are testimonies from people I know and were bound in these passions by the enemy, you can't read a piece of these words and say I had fallen to something that's not if God... Scriptures says, test all things and hold fast to what is good...and how do you test?

S.O.F.T

S- Scriptures
O- others who through have gone ahead in the faith both in scriptures and in our time.
F- the fruit of the spirit (is it abounding or depreciating)
T- time (it takes time for what is sown to grow)

Thanks sir

LT11 | From Drug Dealing to Loving God

“When I was in SS2, I began smoking weed. People hardly believed I could smoke because I looked so slim and gentle. Weed (Indian hemp) was not hard to find there. Smoking weed helped me to not to react in anger to those who provoked me. It pacified me.”

Part 1
Testimony of a Former Drug Dealer

I’ll start my story from the time I can remember. I was born in Lagos and stayed there for about nine to ten years. My dad wasn’t around much in Lagos. He was working in Abuja and had to travel a lot. I was always locked inside the house with my younger siblings. When I was about four or five years old, I and my family members went visiting at the house of one of my father’s friends in Lagos. That was where I had contact with porn magazines through someone far older than I was. I think she was about 16 or 17 years old. At 7 to 8 years of age, I recall that I had serious anger issues. I picked up a pestle once and hit my sister with it. I was severely beaten for it by my dad who happened to be around when the incident happened. About a year later, we relocated from Lagos to Abuja.

While I was in primary school, my parents always wanted me to be the best in my class. Because of this, they usually promised to buy me bicycles if I could get the first position in my class. These promises made me develop more interest in reading and I usually made the 1st position in expectation of the bicycles. However, they never fulfilled their promise. I got admission into secondary school and life went on. Initially, I was just an average student. However, when I got into Senior Secondary School, I became a very bright student.

Also, I used to be very rebellious. Once, I went out with my friend and got back very late, by about 2am. My parents and grandmum were at home but I did not mind. One time, I had serious issues with my dad and in anger, I picked up a machete to kill him, this happened when I was about 14. Since that incident, I was cautious of the fact that there was something inside me that triggered those things; I was afraid and because of this, I tried my best to avoid fights. Sometimes, I would keep quiet and allow people beat me up because I knew I could react impulsively and cause some serious injury to them.





Part 2
Engaging in Weed Business

I wanted to try out smoking, so one day, while I was with my friends, I suggested that we should try out dry pawpaw leaves and we did. By the time I was in SS2, I began smoking weed. People hardly believed I could smoke because I looked so slim and gentle. Weed (Indian hemp) was not hard to find there [in my school]. Smoking weed helped me to not to react in anger to those who provoked me. It pacified me. You could insult me and I would not worry about it. I started taking codeine too. Even though I was always smoking, I was still a very intelligent student. In fact, I usually taught my classmates mathematics. It got to a point that my Mathematics teacher left most of his work for me to do.

I finished secondary school in flying colours. I wanted to get admission into UNILAG [University of Lagos], my dream university, so I wrote JAMB and POST-UTME and passed them excellently. However, I was not given admission.

During the period I was at home waiting to re-write the JAMB examination, I started hanging out with armed robbers, street hustlers, cultists, drug dealers, ex-convicts and the likes. With time, I started buying weed in bulk for myself. Whenever the need for weed arose in my area, I would sell it out to those in need.

I had a number of friends who were about 6 to 7 years older than I was and some of them were cultists. One thing we had in common was that we all smoked. The boys I had around me talked fondly about the time they had spent in jail, and they would ask questions like, “You don do time?” [“Have you ever been incarcerated?”].

I looked innocent amongst them though, so it made me stand out in a quiet way.

During this period too, I was a church goer. Sometimes, I would come back from church feeling convicted about the kind of lifestyle I was living. Whenever I tried to tell my friends I wanted to stop doing those things, they would counter everything I said with Scriptures [applying them wrongly, of course]. They usually liked quoting Genesis 1:29 that says that God has given all the grasses of the field to man for food. To them, weed was included. I was ignorant and did not know how to interpret scriptures so I believed it totally.



Part 3
Hills and Valleys

One day, one of the bad guys I was hanging out with told me that the lifestyle I was living would eventually lead me to become a cultist when I got into the university but I shoved it off. In spite of my lifestyle, I prayed that God should help me gain admission into the university. I promised to serve Him and be faithful to Him if He answered my prayer. Since I could not get admission into University of Lagos, I decided to apply to University of Uyo. I did not really like schooling and only wanted to be in school because it was the norm.

God answered my prayer! I gained admission into University of Uyo the following year. There, I had some Christian roommates in the hostel; one of them was even the president of a fellowship who was in his final year. I began to attend fellowship with the president, and pray with him early in the morning. I would read a little Bible in the morning, obey the little things I knew like not cheating in exams, not lying, etc. Later on, he started to disciple me – taught me to pray, and even lead a few prayers in the fellowship.

I lived a quiet life and purposed not to get involved with bad company. Then there was a strike action that occurred which made me return home. At home, I reconnected with my old friends and old lifestyle. In fact I bought the drugs in large quantities and supplied freely or at a cost when it was needed. l forgot my promise to God.

The strike was called off and I resumed second semester, Year 1. I tried to get my spiritual fire back, but it wasn’t as the first time. I was very inconsistent with the fellowship meetings. However, I regained my initial fire by my second year, mainly due to my academics because I wanted to do much better. Everything was going well. By now, I had moved to another campus and was consistent with a church group. I stopped drugs completely, I even got baptized in the Holy Spirit!

By the time I got into year 3, things began to take a downturn. Pride set in because of my current status. I was also very discouraged academically when we (Engineering students) couldn’t do most of the practicals I had expected an Engineering student to do especially in the labs; and also some subjects required cramming which wasn’t exactly working for me. I gradually began to slip back to my past, until I was knee dip in drugs again. In fact, there were some people who thought they were bad, so I decided to do them the honours of showing them how to be properly bad.

I went from being a ‘spiritual’ brother to cultivating Indian hemp. I also used different kinds of drugs, including codeine. Weed at a time could not satisfy me, so I would mix weed and tramadol to get the ‘high’ feeling (and there were songs I listened to that spoke of how to mix drugs hidden in their lyrics). There was a kind of drug called ‘Arizona’, it had no smell but was very potent. I took that too. I transported and traded in drugs. I had skills to keep the drugs from the border patrol teams, sometimes hiding them inside bags of crayfish and because I had an innocent look, they would not suspect me.

I had contacts, mostly cultists, who I sold drugs to. These cultists needed to take something to keep their minds off their fear. I would give the drugs to them for free sometimes, and whenever they ordered, I would supply. I knew how to blend in even though I didn’t talk much.

At times, we would put drugs of different kinds in different foods and drinks, especially at parties. Mostly, my job was to deliver the drugs to these parties. I also knew how to get girls; I would learn cool lines from songs and use these lines to captivate them. Sometimes too, I was dared by my friends to date a particular girl and I would do it!

Part 4
Experiencing Liberty In Christ

At a time, I fell seriously sick. It was like a combination of many different diseases. The sickness wasn’t normal as my symptoms could not be traced to any particular illnesses. By this time, I had lost confidence in ‘The Church.’ Some of the church folk even smoked with me and some of what I heard in church was confusing.

Then I met a Christian sister again who had been one of my very few friends when I was in year one. Over the years, we had spoken just a few times so I was excited to see her. She prayed for me and some of the pain I was experiencing left. After some time, I told her once that I needed provisions as I was low on cash then. She told me to come with her and get it from a certain house. I followed her to the house and to my disappointment, a believers’ class was being held!

Shortly after, I was invited to a church meeting where I met the pastor. What surprised me about the pastor during the service was how he was constantly calling out Bible verses while preaching. I would check my Bible each time to confirm and they were correct. I had not seen anything like that before even though I had a church background.

I was invited for another meeting but around the time of the meeting, I was watching television as I had a liking for screens. When power went off, I decided to go. Coincidentally, the sister called and pressed on me to come. I complained about clothes and not having had my bath but she said I should just come, that it was not about clothes.

When I came that Sunday, I had a lot of plans that would soon be implemented. One of them was that I would quit school. I had an idea to get money for school fees from my parents, suspend studies, and then tell them I had an extra year. It was an intricate plan. There was no way they were going to find out. But I heard some of the things the pastor said and changed my mind. He was talking about telling the truth…

Not long after, a retreat took place in the church group. Prior to the retreat, I knew nothing of the prophetic apart from the blessings that would be said at the end of a service. On the second night, a tarry took place from 9pm in the evening till about 4 am the following day (It felt as if I just opened my eyes and it was 4am. Time flew so fast!). I had the baptism of the Holy Spirit (like a refilling) and saw the clearest vision of my entire life. From that day, God began to show me visions and I began to read my Bible. Before then I had not loved to read the Bible; I preferred devotionals which I would read hurriedly hoping to reach the end soon. I remember once when I was asked by our pastor to read the book of Mark, that was when I began seeing things in the Bible myself.

Once, I saw a vision in a meeting. In my mind, the things I saw did not make sense. I met the pastor and told him about it and he explained it to me. After the meeting, I began to build confidence in my ability to receive visions from God. One of the first dreams I had (as some vision) during that time was confirmed by other people who also said they had seen the same thing.



Part 5
My Faith Walk

I watched a video of how a preacher laid hands and healed people easily and it strengthened and encouraged me! So, once I prayed for someone who was having chills and when I was done, he said he was feeling better. The next morning, he said he was completely fine after I left that evening. Some days later, another guy was very sick and vomiting, having gone for a party the night before to celebrate his final exam. I asked him if I could pray for him and he eagerly agreed. He said he was well soon after.

In the aspect of evangelism, my experiences have been great. I would talk to people and they would say I was God-sent, and that they had been waiting for someone to talk to them. This was especially because many times, I would end up talking to them about their problems. I never knew that things like this (that I’m experiencing) existed. I never knew that someone could live a normal life and still do the things of God. I thought when it was time, you would just go ahead and prepare yourself to become a Pastor.

The truth is that you, as a Christian cannot (should not) blend in! You cannot be ‘normal’. I have realized from my experiences being in the world that there is no neutral ground. You are on either this [God’s] side or the other [on the side of the devil]. You have to choose.

I give God all the praise. I thank God for everything.

– Bro E.J

2020 Update:

Bro E. J. continues to serve God passionately. He is a leader in God’s Lighthouse, a congregation in Southern Nigeria, where he helps to disciple other children of God. Walking in grace and the Holy Spirit’s power, he reaches out to people wherever he finds himself, and is not ashamed to share of God’s goodness and love that he has tasted, and keeps receiving.

He can be reached via email at testifiers@g-lh.org

benzyluv:

Jesus answered them and said, “My doctrine is not Mine, but His who sent Me. If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know concerning the doctrine, whether it is from God or whether I speak on My own authority. He who speaks from himself seeks his own glory; but He who seeks the glory of the One who sent Him is true, and no unrighteousness is in Him.
John 7:16‭-‬18 NKJV

Test all things; hold fast what is good.

I Thessalonians 5:21 NKJV

Well, what you say may be correct but not entirely true, those are testimonies from people I know and were bound in these passions by the enemy, you can't read a piece of these words and say I had fallen to something that's not if God... Scriptures says, test all things and hold fast to what is good...and how do you test?

S.O.F.T

S- Scriptures
O- others who through have gone ahead in the faith both in scriptures and in our time.
F- the fruit of the spirit (is it abounding or depreciating)
T- time (it takes time for what is sown to grow)

Thanks sir

God said of those who belong in His New agreement, that He alone will teach them about Him - no longer will a man look to his neighbor to learn about God - Jeremiah 31 vs 31-34.

Jesus Christ repeated this message, adding that non of His followers set themselves as
* "Spiritual" fathers
* shepherds over anyone who belongs to Him
* leaders or authorities
* Master/Head/Rabbi over any one of His own
* Teachers over anyone who is His

He even warned them that they cannot serve two masters, declaring also that no one can come to Him except they be revealed through the Father.

So when you submit to the others, you do so against God and the teachings of Jesus Christ. So ask yourself this, how can a thing that is against God be of God?

LT 21: DEPRESSED LONER


“What is out there beyond this realm?”

“What is the point of life?”

“Who am I?”

“Am I destined for hell?”

These questions and more tormented my soul…

Part 1
STARVED OF LOVE

I had many questions about life, but no one answered them. I was dissatisfied with life and I wanted to fill up that void in my heart. I got dissatisfied with the teaching I got from my church and I went wider in the selection of books I read:[b] mysteries, horror, occultism, romances, pornography, mystic,[/b] etc. I was in search of something more than the life I knew. But rather than being satisfied, each time I finished reading a book, it seemed a part of me went away with the book; the emptiness widened and became deeper.

I was frustrated, depressed and confused; I never knew what I wanted in life. I found another comfort – music. I thought that I had finally discovered what I wanted to be in life and so, I decided to take up music as a career.

Although I was already in the choir in my church, only God knew how much I hated that choir. But to my parents, it seemed I loved it.

Where It All Began…

As a child, I was familiar with death. It was an ongoing battle, as I struggled to live. I never imagined I would live this long, because death and I fought a long battle right from the time I was born, as I was told. I grew up in a Christian home, which means that my parents were religious people; though I can’t say that they were into this ‘God thing.’ They always believed that there was a spirit behind the things that happen in life.

I never really spent my childhood days with my parents because of the circumstances surrounding my birth. According to my mum, to save my life, I was taken to Port Harcourt by my Aunt.

Life in Port Harcourt gave me multiple personalities; my aunt, in her efforts to pull me out of my shell, since I was a loner, took it to the extreme. She denied me of love and affection; so much that when love came from outside in the form of friends who were not my age mates, (some of them were gangsters, drugs and alcohol addicts. I never took drugs or drinks), I accepted it. I was friends with them because they made me feel like I was special, and I felt accepted.

And so my woes continued…

Living in My Own World

Gentle on the outside, full of hatred on the inside.

I developed an intense hatred for my aunt because I felt she only loved me for my excellent academic records, when I actually wanted her to love the real me. Since I could not fight her physically, I did so with my emotions. When I figured out that I could not fit into her version of ‘me’, I did things that would get her raging with anger and she would in return pour it out on me by beating me. Sometimes, when I told her things, she would doubt what I said, and as a result of that, I became secretive. I built a wall around myself, nobody knew the real me, they only saw what I wanted them to see. Even when I was sexually abused by our neighbor, I kept quiet about it, because I knew that my aunt wouldn’t have believed me and I never wanted that feeling of rejection from people.

I also learnt how to read from a tender age, thanks to my aunt’s training. I began reading every book I could lay my hands on; I did that just to keep my mind busy. Reading triggered my imagination and this was one of my comfort zones, because while reading, nothing else mattered and my thinking was shaped by the books I read. Through my imagination, I created a world of my own where I was powerful, and could do all the things I could not do in the real world, it boosted my low self- esteem. Although it started as an innocent imagination, it later developed into an addiction. I was addicted to that imaginary world of mine that life on earth was no longer real to me.

During my childhood, I hated mirrors or anything that seems makes me feel inferior and I was also afraid of being afraid. I was a love-starved and confused child. I thought that I was never good enough for society’s standards. But, things were about to change, or so I thought.

Part 2
“BACK HOME, BUT NOT HEALED”

My internal wounds stuck out like a sore thumb.

When I returned to Akwa Ibom State in 2009, I told my parents that I never wanted to go back to Port Harcourt. When they asked why, I refused to tell them. The reason was that I wanted to escape that dark presence that tormented me. I wanted peace, love, joy, and happiness, and I was still struggling with that feeling of rejection. When they agreed, I was overjoyed, but not for long.

Learning to live with my parents was a battle. I saw them as enemies who were trying to forcefully break down my walls, and after trying without success, they gave up. I wanted to be loved, not ordered around. I despised my siblings because of the way they related with my parents. I was the odd one out, and because of that, I did things that made my sisters unhappy. I would fight with my elder brother over irrelevant things (such as a pencil!). I could cause trouble or start a fight, then put the blame on someone else.

I was able to do this due to my multiple personalities. I was stubborn in a quiet way. To most people, I was humble, but I knew how proud I was on the inside. I needed to get away, but how?

Sent Away Again

Freedom at long last? …Or more imprisonment?

For peace to reign at home, my parents sent me to an all-girls boarding secondary school in Uyo, after my primary education.

I agreed to go, but felt that they decided to send me away because I was causing them lots of trouble. I thought that I was an adopted child, because in the movies I watched and the books I read, some adopted children were usually unloved and rebellious. Just like my aunt, my parents were only interested in my academic and physical life, and never went beyond that.

Life in boarding school gave me the freedom I always wanted. I was free from my parent’s pressure of trying to make me a good ‘church girl.‘ I wanted more than that from life. I wanted adventures, I wanted to be wild; I wanted more freedom, but something kept restraining me. When my classmates talked about their boyfriends, I didn’t have anything to say, because I never had one. This was because every time I imagined myself in their shoes, the scene always ended in disasters. I could not involve myself freely in examination malpractice, because each time I tried, I would have a dreadful feeling, so I was always scared of doing it. I had classmates who knew God and had a relationship with Him.I admired but avoided them; although I also longed to have a relationship with God, I was too busy building up my imaginative world because it was all I could do. Also, I saw Christians as hypocrites who preached one thing and did the opposite.

I hated it when anyone, especially my church pastor, preached repentance, because I was searching for God but was presented with an impossible process. I gave up on trying to know God. Though there was an empty space longing for Him, I had no one to show me how to get to Him. Rather, they pointed out my sins and stopped there. I hated Christianity for that, and my ache increased.

Part 3
BIZARRE DESIRES

I suffered from depression.

I felt it whenever my parents shouted at me, criticized my actions or called me names. I always wished I was born in England during the Dark Age and also a warrior. I loved watching movies about sword fighting and super powers. I wanted to be a vampire, zombie, or a kungfu fighter. I loved the feeling of death, mystery and the smell of blood, and this was a result of the kind of movies I watched.

My imagination became wild, I could create monsters and beings of any kind. I always wanted to be alone because each time I was with people, I always did things that got them angry. I used to blank out and could close my heart, soul, and mind to the emotions of people around me. I never liked knowing people, there was something in me that just hated it.

There were times I felt like committing suicide but something usually stopped me from doing it.I never gave upon the search for something more than whatlife could offer.

More Challenges

In my JSS3, my dad lost his job and I had to change school.

The new school had no music teacher and I was angry because one of my comforts was gone. I lost interest in my education, I had no aim or goal in life. This was one of my darkest moments in life, I failed most of my subjects that year and my dad was angry with me. It was at this time that I started masturbating; to me it was never bad because I felt all the things my mind told me to do were right.

In my SS1, my parents wanted me to do science, so that I could study Pharmacy at the university. But I wanted things to be done my way because I was fed up with doing things their way. So I did arts; although I had no particular career that existed in arts in mind. I did it just to show my parents that I was fed up with their decisions for me. I became more withdrawn. I only had one friend because, for me, life was all about me. Although I wanted friends, I valued my private space so much that even the one friend I had couldn’t draw near enough. My classmates never knew the real me.

My whole life was a lie.

I could do things and have the blame put on someone else. I told lies, and I was unforgiving. Life was about me, my world and my desires; impossible desires

Part 4
UNSATISFIED!

Satisfaction eluded me; my life was a mess.

During my SS3, when registering for WAEC, I made up my mind to study Fine Arts in the University. How I came to love fine art was because I had a teacher that encouraged and pushed me on.I discovered that I was good at it, even when my whole family tried to discourage me; I never gave up. I wrote my WAEC examination and failed Maths since I didn’t take part in the exam malpractice they did. My dad had to register the exam for me again, but as God could have it, I had admission into Uniuyo with my first WAEC result, although I still wrote the second WAEC exam during my first year.

In my first year in the University, I was no longer staying with my parents. I stopped attending church services because I saw that people usually go to church to display their clothes instead of going to see God and I never wanted to be a part of that. I hated anything tied to ‘church’.

My life was a mess; I wanted to be free from many things. Just like the earth, my imaginative world was unstable. I was having nightmares. I had nothing to hold on to. I was just like a balloon and anything could blow me up. I had to pretend that all was well and almost had a mental breakdown. I could not stay a day without masturbating, watching a movie or reading a book. That was all I lived for and I could stay hungry just to buy a novel to read.

It was also during my year one, that I met Edidiong M. who was in the same class as me. I don’t know how she became my friend. But I think it was because she had things I wanted – peace, joy, etc. – and also because she never bothered me with talk about Christianity. Since I was addicted to reading, she gave me a novel titled Angels of Humility. After reading the book, I believed that finding God can be possible, but I was confused about how to find Him for myself.

I was at a cross road, it was either God or the deep end; something had to happen soon and fast!

A Hungry Heart Finds God

“Can this be God?”

“Can it be so simple?”

During my year one second semester, I visited Edidiong in her room in the hostel. She was discussing with someone; although I can’t recall what they were saying, it was there I decided to follow her to her church. When I told her, she tried to discourage me by telling me that they are so informal, some members sit on the floor during the meeting, and that everyone dresses casually. I told her that it didn’t matter. She also said that they close late and l told her that nobody is going to look for me.

In the month of August, the first time I came to God’s Lighthouse, I was given a prophetic word. I desperately wanted to believe it but my second name was ‘doubt’. The Pastor, Pastor Ita also prayed for me and I heard him saying “eyes to see.” Since I was having eye pain I thought that I will be healed of it but it didn’t happen. After that Sunday, I told myself that I wouldn’t go back but somehow, deep within me, I knew that I was going to go back again. I was not able to go back again due to the long strike that lasted for months. I was praying for the strike to be over not just for school to resume but so that I could go back to “God’s Lighthouse”.

During that strike, a lot of things happened. I started having weird dreams that I didn’t understand and I was actually scared because my dreams always come to pass no matter what happens.

Finally, the strike was over and I came back to Uyo. I could not remember the direction to ‘The Warehouse’ where the church meetings held, but I could remember the junction where I’d gotten off. From there, that was how I was able to locate ‘The Warehouse’ and started attending church meetings. There were people there to encourage me. And I realized there that I could actually get to know God and have a personal relationship with Him…

Part 5:
COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

“Love is here, love is now, love is pouring in from His head, from His brows…”



Coming to God’s Lighthouse has been a blessing to me. I have learnt a lot and received deliverance In these different areas:

– My understanding of repentance:

I never wanted to repent because I had seen people in my old church who had been born-again living in sin, so I never wanted to join them. But now I understand that repentance is in your actions, not just in saying the words; it is a process.

– Ability to read my Bible with understanding:

Now, I enjoy reading my Bible and actually understand what I am reading. Before, I thought that the Bible was only for pastors.

– Deliverance from masturbation:

I have the Holy Spirit now, and with His help, I have been able to stop masturbating!

– Deliverance from fear:

Fear hindered me from doing many things. For instance, I never wanted to get baptized because I feared what might happen, but with the help of my shepherd, (and also what was taught in the Believer’s Bible School), I was able to overcome that fear and get baptized.

– Peace and Love:

I want to thank God for the peace I have found; for filling up my emptiness and showing me a new dimension to the word ‘love,’ that I can be loved by people – for love’s sake.

– Forgiveness:

I am learning to forgive; before now, my motto was, “Forgiven, not forgotten.”

I have a whole new view of the world. My depression is gone, and I found out that it was demonic. I have an aim, a goal, something to live and hope for– the Resurrection of the Dead. I said before that I was always afraid, but God is helping me to overcome that fear. I’m learning to overcome sin and God teaches me through His Word that I am strong and can face the enemy if only I abide in Him.

I realized that God can speak to me personally, not only through the pastors or anointed men of God. I am learning to submit to authority and to be humble, (though it’s hard for a formerly stubborn and rebellious child like me!). I am sure that with the help of the Holy Spirit, I will be able to achieve that.

Yes, there are times I stumble and feel like giving up, but having people around me with the same goal and mindset encouraged me. I can’t really say that I am totally perfect, but I have changed, and I am still changing. I can proudly say to people that I am born again and that God really loves me.

I’m grateful to God for my life!

– Sis M.M.

okay, I'll like to get an understanding of what you are emphasizing here with respect to the life testimony, what is your point of emphasis and you should back it up with scriptures in their context please.

Kobojunkie:
God said of those who belong in His New agreement, that He alone will teach them about Him - no longer will a man look to his neighbor to learn about God - Jeremiah 31 vs 31-34.

Jesus Christ repeated this message, adding that non of His followers set themselves as
* "Spiritual" fathers
* shepherds over anyone who belongs to Him
* leaders or authorities
* Master/Head/Rabbi over any one of His own
* Teachers over anyone who is His

He even warned them that they cannot serve two masters, declaring also that no one can come to Him except they be revealed through the Father.

So when you submit to the others, you do so against God and the teachings of Jesus Christ. So ask yourself this, how can a thing that is against God be of God?

You might want to reach out to me on https:///2348034357683

Kobojunkie:
Benzyluv,I can't shake the feeling that what you have fallen for is nothing different from what over 2 billion who proclaim themselves Christians in the world today have, and that is an illusion that pretend to be God. Why? Because God is not in your churches and the many groups and denominations out there. He never commanded them so they are not of Him. He calls you instead to come DIRECTLY to Him instead. He will answer you, if you will be willing to submit to and obey His Law, Jesus Christ.