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Domestic violence looming

it could be trust issues. He might be doing it because of the kids and home but I feel its because of lack of trust.
Calm discussion about this when he is in a good mood might help. Let him understand and make sure you don't give him reasons to suspect you

#Some men sha!

Madam if u see a man more hotter than your hubby in all ramifications both physically appealing and financially in the pocket in the process of conducting your business, can u hold yourself? Can u vouch for yourself and assure us the audience that u will not fall into temptation?

Trust is the major issue here. He doesn't trust you. I'll do the same if my wife gives me reason to doubt her trust. When man cares so much about his wife, he'll do anything to protect her from prey...

Solution: support him from the process you make from your business, surprise him with gifts etc. He'll be calm, and pls don't cheat on him or give him reasons to doubt you, respect his opinion and calmly explain to him why you can't keep to 4pm most of the time.

When I started reading your post I was thinking “of course, nothing wrong with a set time within reason when both partners have to be home”
But when I kept reading, it dawned on me that his case is very different from how a spouse ought to relate with their spouse. He needs to respect you. That’s disrespectful AF.

Yes Married people need to tell their spouses when they leave the home, where they are going and when they expect to be back. It’s not really asking permission. It’s a courtesy that is recommended in case something were to go wrong when you’re out of the house.
unless he’s saying it’s up to him to decide if you can go or not. Then that’s also disrespectful. Especially if he has no genuine concern as to why he doesn’t want you to go.

What do you want to do about it? Telling nairalanders won’t fix the issue. Do you want to talk to him about it? Tell him 4pm curfew for a business person may be unrealistic?

Why does he think he’s like your father? That may be the root of the issue. The dynamic on which you guys built your relationship from the beginning where he is made to believe that he has all the say and you’re not a partner in the relationship but a charge.

VeeVeeMyLuv:
Madam if u see a man more hotter than your hubby in all ramifications both physically appealing and financially in the pocket in the process of conducting your business, can u hold yourself? Can vouch for yourself and assure us the audience that u will not fall into temptation?

So she should stay indoors so that she doesn't meet a man hotter than her husband? This your comment is funny.

How can a man give his wife time for coming back home in this 21st century when he knows her nature of business.

The best thing to tell her is to come back home before night for safety and security reasons.

What is the age gap between the two of you?

Do you trust him abi the man dey WAKA ?

Can the man pay all the bills in the house alone without frowning and still give you enough pocket money.

E no make sense at all. Na small pikin him be.

How did you guys end up together? How long have you been married? I take it you guys didn't date so you're still at the formative stage of your team bonding. It's just sad that you're discussing this now after marriage.

Anyway, seeing that you're in a society where men are treated with kid gloves, I'm sure everyone will ask you to gently approach him, explain to him, plead with him, etc. or even tell you he's doing it for your own good or for the good of the family. These are not bad but I'm more concerned about your well-being. You're a grown up woman and not a kid. A married woman, as well as a married man, knows not to stay out late. And if one does stay out late, the partner has reasons to be upset. But then again, staying back to finish up some things at work or even occasionally hanging out with a friend after work is very much normal. Who even gets home before 4pm? Today, it's about when you get home; tomorrow, it could be when to watch TV or even when to be in the sitting room. With a lot of boys/men out there obsessed with power/authority, I'm not surprised this is happening. But I also do not expect you to conform to that. Does he have a job? What time does he get home? Is that time constant or does he deviate sometimes? These are some of the points you could use to make him see reasons with you. You can be very assertive without fighting. And if you have reasons to stay beyond 4pm, call him and tell him you can't make it. The fact that you have to call just because you'd be coming home after 4pm is already bizarre. I believe one should call if he/she won't be getting home at thier normal time so other party won't be be worried but your case is extreme. Regardless of how much he shouts, still do what you need to do while giving your genuine explanations until he gets used to it. Believe that if you don't do that now, you'd be getting more restrictions/orders as time goes by.

But dear sister, if he ever hits you, please give him some space. I repeat, if he hits you, carry your bag and go home. You can always go back if you want to, but he needs to know that hitting you is a potential deal breaker. I know women are shamed when they break up with their spouses but don't let that make you endure domestic violence. It could be very dangerous. Kids are 100 times better off with sperated parents than with those that fight at home. You can discard everything I typed up there but not this last paragraph.

Bon courage !

ImaIma1:


So she should stay indoors so that she doesn't meet a man hotter than her husband? This your comment is funny.

ofcourse not,

we are just trying to empathize and reason with the hubby position on the matter. Cut him some slack, he might have projected into the future and found out that the event that might unfold as a result of the issue at hand will not be pleasant.

OP, go and read up Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) and what it is like to live with a paranoid spouse.

"Hubby calls me to ask at 3:30pm as he daily does (never misses a day without calling @3:30 to confirm If am home)".....the consistency of calling you at that time and purpose of the call is a huge red flag (you can verify that from a psychiatrist or a psychologist)

For him to have mentioned a counsellor is an acknowledgement on his part that there is a problem in your relationship though he believes it is from your end. BOTH of you need to see a professional marriage therapist, one who should alongside therapy sessions should also be able to administer personality assessment on you both as soon as possible.

Na wao. Orisirisi

Ask him if he can carry all the financial responsibility in the house.

If his answer is yes, then tell him u want to quit working so u can be home 24/7.


But common, why will u allow ur husband to be comparing himself with your dad

Will he allow you compare yourself with his mom

boldx:
How can a man give his wife time for coming back home in this 21st century when he knows her nature of business.

The best thing to tell her is to come back home before night for safety and security reasons.

What is the age gap between the two of you?

Do you trust him abi the man dey WAKA ?

Can the man pay all the bills in the house alone without frowning and still give you enough pocket money.

E no make sense at all. Na small pikin him be.

21st Century kee you there

VeeVeeMyLuv:
ofcourse not,

we are just trying to empathize and reason with the hubby position on the matter. Cut him some slack, he might have projected into the future and found out that the event that might unfold as a result of the issue at hand will not be pleasant.

He doesn't need any cutting of slack. He's insecure and paranoid. Why should a grown woman be given those kind of conditions in her husband's house? A man that is supposed to be her number 1 fan and supporter of her business.

He has trust issues and that is his problem, not hers. She can be sitting at home all day and that hotter man will cross her path right inside her compound. Couples should support each other and not try to make life difficult.

This is no husband and wife relationship but teacher and student kinda relationship.

For how long do you wanna do this? Look, it's best you sit him down and tell him you're not his staff or an employee of some sort that he'lll be ordering around like that. You are his WIFE! His better Half!

Make him understand you cant and won't cheat on him if that's what his insecurities are about. Except he doesn't want you to work or do anything outside. Then let him be responsible for everything in the house including you. Haba!

I'm not saying a husband can not checkmate the wife's movements but not to the extent where even though your artinery is transparent enough for him to see, yet he still pulls down the roof when there are a few exigencies. He's not being rational.

Such men can lead a woman to untimely death by making her run into bad people or one chance in a hurry to get home and please Mr. Husband. Let him soft-pedal. His own is too much!

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But you use to like this "jealousy, high-handed" system na, till it turned out as obsession...
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Ólorun à'wa pélu è

Your husband is controlling, psychologically and emotionally abusing you (e.g. isolating you). It's only a matter of time before these become physical. It's time to put some boundaries in place and you gotta do that with someone he will listen to (e.g. a marriage Counselor), if he will listen.

VeeVeeMyLuv:
Madam if u see a man more hotter than your hubby in all ramifications both physically appealing and financially in the pocket in the process of conducting your business, can u hold yourself? Can vouch for yourself and assure us the audience that u will not fall into temptation?

Please shush or make some sense because you haven't made any. I wouldn't be surprised if the husband is a cheater /is cheating, has cheated, or has cheating tendencies. Men like him are often cheaters but treating their partner in this manner is a form of manipulation and guilt-tripping (treating them like it's they who are at fault when that's not the case).

VeeVeeMyLuv:
ofcourse not,
we are just trying to empathize and reason with the hubby position on the matter. Cut him some slack, he might have projected into the future and found out that the event that might unfold as a result of the issue at hand will not be pleasant.

From one senseless comment to another. Na wa.

The only person you ought to empathize with is the OP, not the abuser, and iunno what slack you want to cut him. The only person who needs to be given some slack is the OP, not her abusive spouse who isn't letting her breathe or live.

The nonsense he's projecting into the future could be a result of his own guilt and inadequacies. This is not a healthy way to run a marriage, unless you're trying to make your partner sick or give them heart disease.

Your hubby is disrespectful, insecure, and lacks understanding.

People like him are even difficult to reason with.

This is the kind of man most ladies shun in the dating pool... but somehow you accepted him... and now he's flexing muscles because he has an upside down understanding of what it means to be a man.

I'm very sure the solution here is to suck it up and continue praying that he changes. Anything else would cause utter discord in your home.

Because from how I perceive him to be, making him see reasons will be an effort in futility.

Why's he even comparing himself to your dad? A father won't even act like this. A father will understand that things like this are flexible. How can he fix 4pm and expect that 4pm will always be 4pm? Are you in control of all the other factors?

Very unreasonable man!

Why do some people advice this lady to quit her business and become a full time housewife, if the husband is capable of providing everything. That would be the worst decision ever, you will end up becoming his foot-mat. I don't wish to drop any advice, but I want to encourage you to NEVER quit your business.

In my OWN OPINION it is either of the 2 cases

1. He has trust issues ie he doesn't trust you completely maybe as a result of some past experience between you too or between him and someone else

2. He's afraid of karma. It is said that what goes around comes around.
Once there's trust issues in marriage then there's bound to be problems. Talk to him and sort yourselves out, the earlier the better

aroundtheearth:
Your husband is controlling, psychologically and emotionally abusing you (e.g. isolating you). It's only a matter of time before these become physical. It's time to put some boundaries in place and you gotta do that with someone he will listen to (e.g. a marriage Counselor), if he will listen.


Please shush or make some sense because you haven't made any. I wouldn't be surprised if the husband is a cheater /is cheating, has cheated, or has cheating tendencies. Men like him are often cheaters but treating their partner in this manner is a form of manipulation and guilt-tripping (treating them like it's they who are at fault when that's not the case).

From one senseless comment to another. Na wa.

The only person you ought to empathize with is the OP, not the abuser, and iunno what slack you want to cut him. The only person who needs to be given some slack is the OP, not her abusive spouse who isn't letting her breathe or live.

The nonsense he's projecting into the future could be a result of his own guilt and inadequacies. This is not a healthy way to run a marriage, unless you're trying to make your partner sick or give them heart disease.

okay, is alright

Noted Ma

A woman is pulling her weight to financially sup and he is giving you time aultimatum? Please tell him yes, let's go see a counselor to table/iron it out. When are you free next week so we do it ?
Please don't quit your day work especially if your biz is bringing in profits and you are enjoying what you do.

If you want total freedom just pack commot.
No rule. No sin.
You accepted the marriage so don't disturb my peace abeg.

4pm? Start of curfew?

I am almost certain you don't live in Lagos.


I believe he thinks its a father daughter relationship.

I could see alot of home breakers here. @op, please dont listen to anyone telling you to confront or disobey this arrangement with him, alot of them cant do what they say on internet.

Be patience with him, he will soon get tired of his rules. Maybe your marriage is still young, a time will come that he wont even get time for these rules as responsibilities keep pilling up.

Wahala.

This one pass me o

yemmit90:
I could see alot of home breakers here. @op, please dont listen to anyone telling you to confront or disobey this arrangement with him, alot of them cant do what they say on internet.

Be patience with him, he will soon get tired of his rules. Maybe your marriage is still young, a time will come that he wont even get time for these rules as responsibilities keep pilling up.

Home breakers? The suggestion that both go for marital counselling is home breaking?

Be patient and wait till someone who is not mentally in a good space gets tired? It seems you have no idea what excessive obsession with the need to control and track someone one is in an intimate relationship with, leads to?

Mental health issues are way beyond being ragged up and roaming the streets.

Dclog:
(8years of marriage with 2 lovely kids, but I still live with curfew)
Are there actual men who gives their wives time on when to get back from their business places? I like to meet the wives please and ask how they are surviving
As I Dey so, I don’t have any problem with his curfew, but their are times I get held up with so much work in the market, and the curfew won’t work, and I want him to just you know nicely understand as long as I have reasons with proof, but Guys I dont even have the audacity/ right to take permission from him for time extension there will be wahala.
Okay so i am not too good with expressing myself through writing, but I will try....
I run an online Clothing store, so I have tailors in the major market that helps makes my clothes, most times 24hours isn’t even enough, but hubby wants me to always get home 4pm everyday? And trust me I try so hard to keep up with his curfews, but on some days I get really really held up with so much work I need to stay in the market later than the given curfew.
Once this happens it becomes a serious problem between us both, he will call me and shout at me like a teenager taking instructions from her dad, his voice would be so high I can feel his wrath from the phone as he is either slamming his hands on the table as he spits fire or breathing hard as he speaks
PleaE note that he isn’t a violent man and has never raised a finger on me, however he will gladly go days without speaking or eating in the house for certain reasons.

But the attitude I get from him for coming home later than 4pm is no different from my dad’s growing up as a teenager, why does he have to get so mad when I come home late for obvious reasons at my age, the matter just tire me. E come be like say naa my papa house I still Dey. Or is it the times I need to go out with the kids, I must take permission from him first before I leave, even if it’s the neighbor’s house, I must take permission.
Am not a woman who keeps friends, neither am I an out door person, I never go anywhere, all I know is market where my hustle and am back home.
For instance, I couldn’t make the curfew today cause my tailors are traveling and I need to make sure all work is done properly before they go. Hubby calls me to ask at 3:30pm as he daily does (never misses a day without calling @3:30 to confirm If am home) I tried to break down reasons why I might be late. Òmo he didn’t let me alter a word, man was sooo mad, like i can’t even explain the fury. And when I try to speak with him after he returned from work about this issues his point is if my dad sets rules would I go against it?? And my question is but you aren’t my dad?? And he scuffs and ends his statement with I need to see a counselor. (I need marriage counselors contact if any)
Guys please what’s your take on curfew in marriages. Is this even normal or is there a better way to handle it
I pray you all drop opinion with sense, cause when oga is calm I will have him read your opinions.

Tell hubby to be picking you up.... win win for everyone

It is well o