realtalk19:


I had a slightly similar case to yours and I took a long walk for the sake of me and my kids sanity. Abuse and violence isnt healthy. You will gradually slip into depression and feel hopeless.

You will survive, just make sure u have a good and reliable source of income and a supportive family. It's a gradual process. If ur husband decides to turn a new leaf you can decide if want to give him a second chance. Mine got a second chance and still messed up. Av moved on long ago and am happy I made my decision.

Note that Good and responsible children still come out of single parent while rebellious and bad kids come out of homes with both parents intact.

Marriage is sweet when you are with ur best friend, and with someone who understands, tolerates, forgives and matured psychologically with strong financial support.

May everything that makes you happy never turn to sadness, thanks so much for this input and believing in me, I'm surely moving, it's not just as fast as it should be, still in a stranger's house since two days ago, I'm on my feet working things out.

Lizzyangel:


Thanks fam!
I'd be working towards that God helping me, if he never kill me troway.

You really need to start planning your exit and ask for help from as many people you can so u can get enough funds to cater for u and ur kids alongside accommodation. Ur husband is taking advantage of your fear so you wunt make a move. You need to be brave and take the bull by the horn with wisdom for you and ur kids sanity ND safety.

.

apatheticme:


Most of us were programmed that way growing up (or at least most of us born from the 80s and early 90s). But with exposure, education and at least a sense of self worth generally, we learnt to pull ourselves out of the bullshit we were fed!

I remember asking the lead pastor that was fronting and talking about submissiveness and subjugation of women generally at my marriage counseling that how come over 3 sessions of marriage counselling, y'all have talked and talked about my duties, my roles, my responsibilities, dos and don'ts in the home, but y'all are silent about the man??

Not once did they say anything about the responsibilities of the man, how to treat his wife or whatever.

Everyone was winking at me to keep quiet, shush! Even my parents were afraid cos they knew just how opinionated I could be.

It's all wrong. The African society only prepares the female for marital life, they never prepare the males to be responsible, hence the imbalance. You find a woman doing her best to keep the home, with the man unbothered and even sometimes taking steps to distabilise the home with acts like cheating, subjugating the woman, physical/verbal/emotional assault etc.

This creates an imbalance already with the woman being heavily invested in a stable home and the man being cocky and behaving like a little immature kid. Thus women need to step up, change the narrative, not by being violent but by being useful!

If you contribute a lot (financially, mentally, physically, emotionally) no man would take you for granted. If he does, take a walk! Let him know he's dispensable. That shit pains them like mad! But when you start groveling, begging as if he's your oxygen source, then he'll trample on you like dust.

The way my daughter would be raised ehn, by 16 years she'll be driving already and would know simple things to do if she's in a bind without calling any man. She'll be running the family business as soon as she can understand what basic arithmetic is.

Ma'am with your comments so far, it's glaring you don't read this post through and through.


I'm not a useless lady, neither am I lazy or dependant on him as I've been the only one footing the bills and upkeep of the home with my private school teaching salary, yet he'd abuse me physically, emotionally, and verbally, once he's opportuned to have some money, he'd be behaving like Yahoo boys , philandering around with girls in hotels which I'd still be the one to bail him out once caught....I saw all the red flags since the onset but kept hoping with a good woman by his side, he'd change, he graduated from beating and abusing me into sending me and my baby girl out at night to sleep in an uncompleted building, a baby I had through CS, from that night, April 15th, I decided to drop every commitment I've had in our *situation* cos e Neva pay my bride price, this led to everyday insult as I no longer cook Everytime as I used to do, and other errands I'd gladly do, I stopped them, what brought about this thread was how he threatened me on 1st July to be prepared for hardship and more abuses, me being an ambivert ,had to come here to seek for advice, this he saw and sent myself and kids out since 2days ago, not caring about our wellbeing.

The accusations against me by some Nlanders was that I created this post in order to beg for money, due to the fact that I once begged during lockdown for money while I was pregnant, not working but trying to cover up my lazy husband then, the help I got from here was used on babythings and hospital bills last year.


No wonder Yorubas will say : "imi kinkin eti awo, toju ba kuro nibe, okan ko le kuro"

"A little stain of poo on a plate, if washed away, the mind won't let go of the earlier stain"

apatheticme:


Of course the instances cited as examples cannot work for every single female out there! Even if you're not mechanically savvy, I believe there are areas you are relevant in the home/relationship and would not necessarily wait for a man before solving the issues or rising to the occasion!

I wasn't born 'mechanically savvy' too! Infact my discipline is far from engineering, but I had to learn, and I keep learning new things everyday, because the day we stop learning is the day we actually die!

That's why I said women should step up!

You sound just like my mum, wise woman that she is

realtalk19:


You really need to start planning your exit and ask for help from as many people you can so u can get enough funds to cater for u and ur kids alongside accommodation. Ur husband is taking advantage of your fear so you wunt make a move. You need to be brave and take the bull by the horn with wisdom for you and ur kids sanity ND safety.

I'm on it ma'am.

Thanks for your concern.


Kindly help me to ask Mstick reasons why he/she carry my matter for head like gala....make e salaye wetin I do am, cos I'm confused at his/her attacks on this thread.

bjprodint1:
Am sorry 4 my stupidity.my next post will be A NAIRALANDER FINALLY MARRIES THE MAN OF HER DREAMS IN A QUIET BUT CLASSY WEDDING.

Lmao! Be like all of una sabi catch cruise sha.

Ulunne777:


Not surprised a bit. I knew all the advice was like water on the back of a duck.

I don't even bother anymore. Some people just looove their chains

bjprodint1:
Am sorry 4 my stupidity.my next post will be A NAIRALANDER FINALLY MARRIES THE MAN OF HER DREAMS IN A QUIET BUT CLASSY WEDDING.

Again? And so soon too? Urgh!

mariahAngel:


Again? And so soon too? Urgh!

How soon is good enough, Maria?

pocohantas:


How soon is good enough, Maria?

In most cases, never!

She thinks she has it bad, she should wait until she's saddled with more children from another man...

apatheticme:


Of course the instances cited as examples cannot work for every single female out there! Even if you're not mechanically savvy, I believe there are areas you are relevant in the home/relationship and would not necessarily wait for a man before solving the issues or rising to the occasion!

I wasn't born 'mechanically savvy' too! Infact my discipline is far from engineering, but I had to learn, and I keep learning new things everyday, because the day we stop learning is the day we actually die!

That's why I said women should step up!

But anyways, to each their own!

What I have come to understand and made peace with is that not all women will be alphas, just like not all males are alphas.

Omg! A guy just created a thread on romance section asking if there's anything wrong in calling his married ex to come cook for him! Omg!
The lady not only agreed, she also went with him to the market to buy the ingredients!

I swear, I'm so pissed right now!

mariahAngel:


In most cases, never!

She thinks she has it bad, she should wait until she's saddled with more children from another man...

So you are saying she shouldn’t marry again?

mariahAngel:


What I have come to understand and made peace with is the not all women will be alphas, just like not all males are alphas.

Omg! A guy just created a thread on romance section asking if there's anything wrong in calling his married ex to come cook for him! Omg!
The lady not only agreed, she also went with him to the market to buy the ingredients!
I swear, I'm so pissed right now!

You are joking?!!

Ahnahn. This lady no rate her husband at all o. Chai, poor man. What she doesn’t know is that the guy wouldn’t respect her husband either, no matter what she says about him.

pocohantas:


So you are saying she shouldn’t marry again?

Not until she has established herself at least. She owe it to herself.

You are joking?!!

Ahnahn. This lady no rate her husband at all o. Chai, poor man. What she doesn’t know is that the guy wouldn’t respect her husband either, no matter what she says about him.

See for yourself
https://www.nairaland.com/6633785/it-wrong-married-lady-cook#103351658

Not only did she disrespect her husband, she disrespected herself also.

mariahAngel:


Not until she has established herself at least. She owe it to herself.

You are right. The problem is a lot of women in that category are either looking to hook up with men that can cater for them and their kids or just to pepper their EXes. But if she meets someone she genuinely loves, then she can go for it. In her case, she strikes me as someone that just wants to show her EX that she could get someone better than him.

See for yourself
https://www.nairaland.com/6633785/it-wrong-married-lady-cook#103351658

Not only did she disrespect her husband, she disrespected herself also.

Omo, I am speechless. Maybe she no value herself na, she for try value the husband.

pocohantas:


You are right. The problem is a lot of women in that category are either looking to hook up with men that can cater for them and their kids or just to pepper their EXes. But if she meets someone she genuinely loves, then she can go for it. In her case, she strikes me as someone that just wants to show her EX that she could get someone better than him.

It's risky o! She should calm down.
You know when one rushes to correct a mistake, one might get it wrong again and make matters worse.
What if she gets pregnant again? And for another man too? Wahala!

Omo, I am speechless. Maybe she no value herself na, she for try value the husband.

I didn't even know where to begin!

.

.

.

mariahAngel:


What I have come to understand and made peace with is the not all women will be alphas, just like not all males are alphas.

Omg! A guy just created a thread on romance section asking if there's anything wrong in calling his married ex to come cook for him! Omg!
The lady not only agreed, she also went with him to the market to buy the ingredients!

I swear, I'm so pissed right now!

.

Ishilove:

You sound just like my mum, wise woman that she is

My sister, I nor get choice oh, I gats resemble wise women oh. We sure need more wise women around these days!

The streets nor dey smile!

.

What happened to leaving the children with him to care for. Nigerian women and their oversabi,if I should leave a husband (God forbids) I will so drop all the kids with him to look after,why should I be the one to carry the kids along,lai lai that one can't work for me ooo.I have strong and valid reasons for doing so.

LadySarah:


Marriage should be the last thing on your mind now.

Am not marrying this year,but when am finally settled,i will get married.i only wrote about marriage to expres d fact that only good news will come from me.No more regrets and pity.i am positive.i wish i can share my new look,but am trying my best to be quiet here,but i cant cos am adicted to Nairaland and i find peace here.

apatheticme:


Did you marry a useless woman?

No I didn't.Those words up there are your words ........'men are a necessary evil'.

Rozcol:
What happened to leaving the children with him to care for. Nigerian women and their oversabi,if I should leave a husband (God forbids) I will so drop all the kids with him to look after,why should I be the one to carry the kids along,lai lai that one can't work for me ooo. I have strong and valid reasons for doing so.

I have thought about this many times.Why should the burden of caring for the kids be on the woman in cases like this?
Maternal instincts maybe but if the man had to be left with the child/children sometimes,I guess they won't think of sending mother and kids away everytime.

mariahAngel:


What I have come to understand and made peace with is the not all women will be alphas, just like not all males are alphas.

Omg! A guy just created a thread on romance section asking if there's anything wrong in calling his married ex to come cook for him! Omg!
The lady not only agreed, she also went with him to the market to buy the ingredients!

I swear, I'm so pissed right now!

Hiann,

Make I go find the thread.

thorpido:
I have thought about this many times.Why should the burden of caring for the kids be on the woman in cases like this?
Maternal instincts maybe but if the man had to be left with the child/children sometimes,I guess they won't think of sending mother and kids away everytime.

As nice as this sounds, a lot of men can't be trusted with their own kids. They'll end up dumping them at relatives homes as unpaid house boys and girls, to be molested by whoever pleases. A mother who loves her children would never leave them to go through that. That's why most women are at a disadvantage. Na who care pass dey loose for marriage matter.

Cuttycool:
What happened to you that made you now walk with crutches?

,my sister it a long story,but i give thanks to God

mariahAngel:


What I have come to understand and made peace with is the not all women will be alphas, just like not all males are alphas.

Omg! A guy just created a thread on romance section asking if there's anything wrong in calling his married ex to come cook for him! Omg!
The lady not only agreed, she also went with him to the market to buy the ingredients!

I swear, I'm so pissed right now!

Hmmmm,the husband was obviously a second option.

lovelybugs:


As nice as this sounds, a lot of men can't be trusted with their own kids. They'll end up dumping them at relatives homes as unpaid house boys and girls, to be molested by whoever pleases. A mother who loves her children would never leave them to go through that. That's why most women are at a disadvantage. Na who care pass dey loose for marriage matter.

I know this is the main reason.It is what it is sha.
I've seen a few cases of women who took the hard decision of leaving the kid/s with the father.

thorpido:
I have thought about this many times.Why should the burden of caring for the kids be on the woman in cases like this?
Maternal instincts maybe but if the man had to be left with the child/children sometimes,I guess they won't think of sending mother and kids away everytime.

If the man is responsible and was involved in their welfare, it would be easier. Not the ones that would go dump them with grandma in the village. Anyway, apart from maternal instincts, I have noticed Nigerian mothers like to put themselves through some unnecessary suffer. Maybe it helps them with the emotional blackmail (after all I did for you). As far as the man is responsible and has the means, I will leave the kids for him!

Rozcol:
What happened to leaving the children with him to care for. Nigerian women and their oversabi,if I should leave a husband (God forbids) I will so drop all the kids with him to look after,why should I be the one to carry the kids along,lai lai that one can't work for me ooo.I have strong and valid reasons for doing so.