theForth:


Must men do everything for women, chai!

Forget, men dey suffer abeg.

Don't women develop men where you are from?

The husband in this case is the 'enlightened' partner and should have developed the girl to his standard or influenced her to the point she is thirsty for the next level.

She is not even thinking of becoming an auxiliary nurse or chemist to complement her husband.

What were they discussing?

Was marriage even on the table or it just progressed to marriage because they have benn together for 8 years?

You and her dated for EIGHT years and NOW you are having second thoughts.

All the women you and her know will use you as the reason why women are "single until there is a ring on her finger".

My friend, you have even done introduction.

Are you spending on her entire family to show yourself?

I know some ladies from poor families who were even fighting their husbands and fiancés to STOP sending money to her family.

Discuss with her, set a LIMIT to what you send her family's way. If you can, help them plan their way out of poverty: school, job with prospects, etc).

Xman12345goat:
Good evening all, I am a medical doctor who just graduated about 5 years ago. I have completed my mandatory one year internship and NYSC program. I now work in a Federal medical Center in the East.

The reason why I created this topic is to seek advice on the risk of getting married into a very poor family. I love my girlfriend Chioma very well. I have been dating her for more than 8 years now and would like to settle down with her. I have met her family and paid her bride price.

The problem here is that she comes from a very poor family. Her dad is late and her mum is a petty trader. She is the first child and has six siblings. She is very beautiful, hardworking, God fearing but not educated. She only completed secondary school. Immediately after introduction, I kind of became the bread winner of her family and had to support in training her younger siblings in school not forgetting that am the first son/child of my own family and I have to cater for my own siblings too.

My mum is now bothered and wants me to call off the wedding and marry someone from a middle income family, at least some one with a degree certificate, am beginning to reason with her because of the nature of our economy, but I love chioma very much and I don't want to disappoint her.

I blame him almost 100% for that.

Eight years and he has not gotten her engaged as an auxilliary nurse? Haba.

bukatyne:


Don't women develop men where you are from?

The husband in this case is the 'enlightened' partner and should have developed the girl to his standard or influenced her to the point she is thirsty for the next level.

She is not even thinking of becoming an auxiliary nurse or chemist to complement her husband.

What were they discussing?

Was marriage even on the table or it just progressed to marriage because they have benn together for 8 years?

Lol.

No be me and anybody dey do that bread winner rubbish.

yomi007k:


When he has money- it is the man that is expected to be bread winner. This is Africa.


When she has money -it is expected to be gender equality. This is 21st century.

He can still refuse or limit what he does for the family.

AutoChick4U:
So y did you accept to carry such weight when you know it ain't easy? Never out do yourself in this life. The chioma can be brushed up to become independent and assist her family, any of her siblings can blow tomorrow.

Will a girl making N3 m a month marry a guy making N700k a month?

Yes.

theForth:


Will a rich woman even associate with a poor man?
Na only man God take dey uplift family?

Bro just do what's best for you, always put yourself first in everything.

I'm a man.

- He should limit how much he spends on her family & his family.

- Why is she not an auxiliary nurse yet?? If he ever wants to japa, this is extremely important.

- Even if the girl is from a middle class or even rich family, he may have to spend more:
There are girls who see it as okay to spend N30 k in a week; these tastes worsen with their experience in life. Is he ready to buy iPhone and designer for rich gf? Is he ready to buy very wealthy apartment or build overly lavish house for his middle class wife?

- This guy has known this lady for 8 years and has only positive things to say. How many girls will he meet now (now that he is a fully fledged MD), who won't be after his money or can manage the doctor lifestyle?? (He could marry another doctor).

tensazangetsu20:
Guy notice how all the people supporting the marriage are all women. That's hypergamy speaking. Ask yourself this if you were uneducated and poor would any female doctor be willing to marry you.

Guy give yourself brain o. Doctors in Nigeria don't earn well and the responsibilities she will bring both from her and her family members will stall your dreams. I don't know if you are a resident planning to become a consultant or even writing foreign exams to japa but whichever route you take will require serious financial resources and concentration. Once you marry her now, prepare for her parents to ship at least two of her siblings to you. Don't say you don't care bla bla bla. This is Africa o. A cup of beans is 700 naira now. A cup of rice is 500. Food is expensive. Even on a salary of 500k as a doctor which you need to be senior resident to earn you will live hand to mouth. Better give yourself a working brain before you do what will you will regret for the rest of your life.

Was OP rich as a student when he started dating her?

cococandy:
Funny when poor people don’t want to marry other poor people.
Abeg who will marry us if our fellow poor folks think they are too good for us?

cooooooks:
He can still refuse or limit what he does for the family.

yea

cooooooks:
Will a girl making N3 m a month marry a guy making N700k a month?

Yes.

And you're sure she won't treat him with disdain at some point in their marriage?

She could wake up one morning and start feeling like "I could do better" even with the guy busting his ass off.

These are delicate issues my friend, don't trivialize it.

Raalsalghul:


And you're sure she won't treat him with disdain at some point in their marriage?

She could wake up one morning and start feeling like "I could do better" even with the guy busting his ass off.

These are delicate issues my friend, don't trivialize it.

Is relationship all about money?
I think it is more of some men feeling intimidated and insecure when their women earn more.

mariahAngel:


Is relationship all about money?
I think it is more of some men feeling intimidated and insecure when their women earns more.

You've not really answered the question oh.

Raalsalghul:


You've not really answered the question oh.

The question was more of ridiculous.

cooooooks:
I blame him almost 100% for that.

Eight years and he has not gotten her engaged as an auxilliary nurse? Haba.

I agree with you here; eight years, he should have empowered her one way or the other.

tensazangetsu20:
Guy notice how all the people supporting the marriage are all women. That's hypergamy speaking. Ask yourself this if you were uneducated and poor would any female doctor be willing to marry you.

Guy give yourself brain o. Doctors in Nigeria don't earn well and the responsibilities she will bring both from her and her family members will stall your dreams. I don't know if you are a resident planning to become a consultant or even writing foreign exams to japa but whichever route you take will require serious financial resources and concentration. Once you marry her now, prepare for her parents to ship at least two of her siblings to you. Don't say you don't care bla bla bla. This is Africa o. A cup of beans is 700 naira now. A cup of rice is 500. Food is expensive. Even on a salary of 500k as a doctor which you need to be senior resident to earn you will live hand to mouth. Better give yourself a working brain before you do what will you will regret for the rest of your life.

God bless u big time

Even (some) poor ladies who "have tasted life" look down on their men.

Also, many top-earning women value things other than money. They already have money or come from money. They know money doesn't solve everything. They have their fellow high-earning women friends who can't find nobody.

Raalsalghul:


And you're sure she won't treat him with disdain at some point in their marriage?

She could wake up one morning and start feeling like "I could do better" even with the guy busting his ass off.

These are delicate issues my friend, don't trivialize it.

Like I replied to raalsalghul, many people value life more than money, especially at very high incomes.

mariahAngel:


Is relationship all about money?
I think it is more of some men feeling intimidated and insecure when their women earns more.

Raalsalghul:


I agree with you here; eight years, he should have empowered her one way or the other.

Would you let go of a woman who’s known you for more than 8yrs for no major issues other than she’s from a poor background?
That is practically a lifetime of knowing someone, and only a fool would throw all that away.

As far as the bride price has been paid, she’s his wife anyways.

yomi007k:


This "be a man" statement don kill many men.

Whenever a woman says "be a man", it is extremely wise to do the direct opposite of whatever she was/is trying to get you to do/say.

This statement "be a man", coming from the lips of a woman has NEVER brought about a good ending for the man involved.

This is scientifically proven.

bukatyne:

Don't women develop men where you are from?

The husband in this case is the 'enlightened' partner and should have developed the girl to his standard or influenced her to the point she is thirsty for the next level.

She is not even thinking of becoming an auxiliary nurse or chemist to complement her husband.

What were they discussing?

Was marriage even on the table or it just progressed to marriage because they have benn together for 8 years?

I just dey look you with one eye...

Anyhow though, your post is quite understandable given that you're more of a traditional woman in words, actions, and overall philosophy.

If I see statements like the above coming from our beloved pseudo-feminists and faux-modern women, I start laughing at the joke on reflex.


BTW, what did you mean by women developing men?

Are you referring to the generation of our mothers, or this modern set of over-entitled snowflaked wig-wearing social media addicts?

mariahAngel:


Would you let go of a woman who’s known you for more than 8yrs for no major issues other than she’s from a poor background?
That is practically a lifetime of knowing someone, and only a fool would throw all that away.

As far as the bride price has been paid, she’s his wife anyways.

Calm down...

People have thrown away more than 10/15 years of marriage for much less, and the world did not end nor did they earn the title of fool.

If you ask me, I think he's better positioned to throw it all away right now than wait till when he's knee-deep in marital life before getting fed up.

This however doesn't excuse the fact that he dated her for that long, BUT still, quit the emotional blackmail about how you can't do away with someone after dating them for years.
Who died and made such a rule?

Women even do it too, lots of them BTW... So calm down.

crackhaus:



Whenever a woman says "be a man", it is extremely wise to do the direct opposite of whatever she was/is trying to get you to do/say.

This statement "be a man", coming from the lips of a woman has NEVER brought about a good ending for the man involved.

This is scientifically proven.

. Mumu men will still argue with you oo...

dominique:
You and your parents were not aware of their financial situation all though the time you were dating? Did they not accompany you to pay her bride price? The deed has been done, you have already married her and you have no choice but to manage the situation

They aren't married yet.

PrimadonnaO:


They aren't married yet.

Bride price has been offered and accepted. They are married.

zicoraads:

Bride price has been offered and accepted. They are married.

I only saw a mention of introduction.

crackhaus:

The only issue I have here is you dating her for over 8years before figuring all of this out.

Please tell us, what's the real issue?


And yes, your mom does have a point... But still, why wait 8years?

And yes, they can still return the bride-price. People get divorced after many years of marriage, so yours should be less stressful... But still, why wait 8years?

Imagine him returning the bride price and he's asked why.

"I just realised you and your family's too poor."

Somehow, in this story, what I'm most concerned about is how in 8 years, her station in life didn't change.

Since he was concerned and supposedly loved her, how did he not encourage her to further her education, even if it was an NCE.

How didn't she learn any skill she could have monetised?

Mind-boggling.

What sort of static 8-year relationship were they into?

PrimadonnaO:

Imagine him returning the bride price and he's asked why.

"I just realised you and your family's too poor."

Somehow, in this story, what I'm most concerned about is how in 8 years, her station in life didn't change.

Since he was concerned and supposedly loved her, how did he not encourage her to further her education, even if it was an NCE.

How didn't she learn any skill she could have monetised?

Mind-boggling.

What sort of static 8-year relationship were they into?

Maybe they were just busy having lots of sex the entire time, and it's now the sex finally cleared from his eyes.

cooooooks:
Will a girl making N3 m a month marry a guy making N700k a month?

Yes.

Big lie bro.

crackhaus:

Maybe they were just busy having lots of sex the entire time, and it's now the sex finally cleared from his eyes.

I feel he's screwed whichever way. If he does a 360° and abandons her, he may always feel guilty... he may end up marrying someone else as a rebound only to regret it down the line.

And if he goes ahead to marry her, he will likely be financially stressed for sometime... there's no telling how long. Heaven may smile on them in good time.

He needs to take time off to think things through...and pray, too.

crackhaus:

Calm down...

People have thrown away more than 10/15 years of marriage for much less, and the world did not end nor did they earn the title of fool.

If you ask me, I think he's better positioned to throw it all away right now than wait till when he's knee-deep in marital life before getting fed up.

Well, his reason for wanting to throw away a more than 8yrs old relationship is not valid enough in my opinion.
Although if you ask me, I'd say he never really loved Chioma to begin with.

This however doesn't excuse the fact that he dated her for that long, BUT still, quit the emotional blackmail about how you can't do away with someone after dating them for years.
Who died and made such a rule?

Women even do it too, lots of them BTW... So calm down.

My intention (with my earlier comment) was more to provoke some thoughts in him, and never to emotionally blackmail him.
I'd do the same with any of my brothers if they were going to make such a decision in a similar situation as the op's.

I think the op should really think things through.
A person who complements you doesn't come by easily these days.

PrimadonnaO:

I feel he's screwed whichever way. If he does a 360° and abandons her, he may always feel guilty... he may end up marrying someone else as a rebound only to regret it down the line.

And if he goes ahead to marry her, he will likely be financially stressed for sometime... there's no telling how long. Heaven may smile on them in good time.

He needs to take time off to think things through...and pray, too.

Well, there'll always be consequences to every decision we make — could be good, could be bad, and both could be to varying degrees.

So yea, while you're right that he definitely needs to think things through and pray (assuming he is the type who does), neither of these two will totally eliminate the consequences of whatever decision he finally makes.

Above all, he needs to be decisive, resolute, and own his decision whatever the outcome may be – good or bad.

mariahAngel:

Well, his reason for wanting to throw away a more than 8yrs old relationship is not valid enough in my opinion.
Although if you ask me, I'd say he never really loved Chioma to begin with.

Perhaps, and say you're right, isn't the absence of love a valid enough reason to end it?

Or should he go ahead and hope the love will grow as time progresses?

Remember also that his mother is against the marriage, so it's good time to avoid MIL and DIL iissues that will definitely come up later.

My intention (with my earlier comment) was more to provoke some thoughts in him, and never to emotionally blackmail him.
I'd do the same with any of my brothers if they were going to make such a decision in a similar situation as the op's.

I think the op should really think things through.
A person who complements you doesn't come by easily these days.

Lol, okay.