i am a military officer

You're a military officer and you're appealing to people on an internet blog for advice?

I'd suggest you speak to your superiors, people you trust, for sound advice.

why she keeping the boy i believed is because of the money i used to send to her every month

@Poster the statement does not make any sense at all. If I may ask how much money is enough to wipe away the shame, disgrace and the Psychology trauma done on her when she was pregnant without husband.

You impregnated a lady and 3yrs later you married another woman not the mother of your boy how heartless are you. If you were to be the lady how would you feel? Out of frustration she has give inn to her boss.  

way forward
make peace with the mother of your son and let her see reasons why the boy has to be in school.
your son's school fees should be paid directly to school by you.
Visit you son regularly both in school and at home.
once in a while take both your son and his mother for outing.
try as much as you can to gain the trust of the lady so as to allow your son spend his holiday with you.

Pls, do not take away the boy from her, that boy means a lot to her.

who knows what your wife might turn out to be if the boy eventually leaves with you.

It is best you stop sending the money. The child does not even live with its mother, but with another caretaker. You also dont really know if the child is really yours. If it was really yours then i dont see whay your baby mama should keep him away from you. How can you keep spending money on a child you have not seen? Stop the payments immediately until you come to an agreement. If she refuses match over to her caretakers house and take your child away. If the child becomes a criminal or miscreant in the future, he will answer your name not his mothers name. In Nigeria the child is the father's property anyway. So what she is doing, is something that you can correct very easily. It is for the childs best interest. How can the boy not be in school despite you sending money? Stop sending money to her, you are not married ot her. She is an adult and should find how to take care of herself. The child is your only responsibility.

if all this isnt a glaring advert about the perils of careless sex, then i dont know what is.

mr military man with "GOOD OFFICE". why dont you use your 'good office' na? you impregnated a woman you were not interested in marrying. knowing your type, you must have rejected her and the pregnancy, now because you have little money, you think you can lay claims to the child. is it the miserable change you send she has been using to take care of the boy for six years? go ahead and take the boy and see how easy it is to raise a child. Alakori

Seek advice from the army legal unit. I think the law provides that you can have custody of your child at a certain age if you can prove that the mother is irresponsible but she may have visiting rights or he spends some holidays with her. You should consider your wifes opinion though. Good that ou accepted responsibility. May your marriage be blessed.

Poor child. When adults make stupid mistakes the children always suffer. You cannot remove the child from where he is comfortable. I would suggest to you though that you should start with maybe a holiday spent with you and yoru new wife. See how he does and also how your wife treats him. Maybe after a few holidays he might be okay with living with you since it seems his mother is also absent from the picture.

kaybaba:

i am very grateful to everybody contribution, right now the boy is staying with his grandmother not her mother because what the grandmother told me on phone is that she will be able to monitor the boy school activities. grandma said i should be calling my boy thru her phone without telling his mother. my wife want me to take him from his mother because my wife  has similar experience thru her senior sister. this are my question

1. Do we have a constitutional law which back-up age limit that father or mother can take procession of his son or daughter?

2. Does the grandma has the right to keep my boy?

3. should i continue sending money to grandma or my boy mother, because right the boy is with grandma  and schooling there according to the grandma?

1. No there isn't.

2. Yes, as the custodial parent his mother has turned over temporary care for school purposes.

3. Since you haven't seen your son you don't know the full story. His mother is his caretaker, even if grandma is housing him temporarily. How do you know grandma isn't after your money? Send the school fees directly to the school and the rest to his mother. You don't know the arrangement between mum/grandma.

You say your wife wants you to take the boy. From the beginning both you and your wife are placing yourselves at odd with your son's mother. You haven't mentioned anything about going to talk to her, or even going to visit your son. You are over complicating your life. Since the grandma has the boy for school your son's mother shouldn't have a big problem with sending him to live with you during the school year and sending him to her for vacation/holidays/extended weekends.

The problem is that you and your wife have a judgemental and hostile attitude towards her, which makes her think you will never send the boy back to visit. Also, she probably thinks you and your wife will mistreat the boy and constantly look for evidence of her poor parenting in him. (ie. Look what you did! Your mother turned you into a stupid boy!)

It's really easy to judge her from where you are, since you furthered your education as far as liked and had the free time to go out and meet the woman of your choice. Also your reputation isn't tarnished a bit because of your son, since you have been removed from the situation. But, think for a moment how different would your life had been if you had shared the physical stress and responsibility of the boy from the beginning. Maybe she wouldn't have resorted to sleeping with her married boss if you were there to relieve her of her duties for half the week so that she could have has some free time to herself. Maybe she did it to keep her job and a roof over their heads. It wasn't right whatever the reason, but your hands are not clean either.

I stand by the fact that you need to talk it out with his mother without looking down on her. Both of you are in a tough spot and you need to come together like adults. Your son will be better off this is civil.

Go (by yourself) and visit and keep a positive demeanor. Simply ask if you can have your son during the school year, and send him back for visits during the holidays. It's not a matter of begging her or anything. Just humble yourself a little here. His mother has had to bear the majority of the consequences of this situation that both of you created. If for no other reason do it for your son, who loves the both of you and will be broken if this all goes badly.

I think i understand were the poster is coming from.

A woman having two children for two different men, yet she is not married or settled. Is she a baby factory ?

The poster has the right to show concern, because he thinks that woman is not financially and morally sound to take care of the boy.

And can't continue to send money not knowing how the money is being spent.

But the poster must be careful here not to bring discomfort to the boy.

All he needs to do, is to bring in a mediator probably a Child Custody Lawyer to straighten out the Child Support and Custody issue.

@poster, u are not married to the mother in any way,so u have no legal right over the child. U left them willingly,so u also have no moral right over them. Do the right thing by appealing to the mother to allow ur son come for holidays. Visit more often to build a r/ship with ur son. Never take the child away forcefully;I know how it feels cos it has happened to me as a child. With time,he will learn to love u and may opt to live with u. Never listen to gossip or apparently friendly advice from so-called friends. Some people just want to put fire where there is none. If it is within ur means,start a business for the mother to improve her quality of life. No sacrifice is too great for ur son. May God help u take the right decision.

Right from the time of John The Baptist until now, the Kingdom of God suffereth violence and only the violent taketh it by force

chioma134:

@poster, u are not married to the mother in any way,so u have no legal right over the child. U left them willingly,so u also have no moral right over them. Do the right thing by appealing to the mother to allow your son come for holidays. Visit more often to build a r/ship with your son. Never take the child away forcefully;I know how it feels cos it has happened to me as a child. With time,he will learn to love u and may opt to live with u. Never listen to gossip or apparently friendly advice from so-called friends. Some people just want to put fire where there is none. If it is within your means,start a business for the mother to improve her quality of life. No sacrifice is too great for your son. May God help u take the right decision.

He has legal right over his son if he proves he is the biological father and he is ready to take responsibility.

emmatok:

He has legal right over his son if he proves he is the biological father and he is ready to take responsibility.

Good,that is if he is ready for the long,drawn out court battle and paternity tests involved.

Poster I'm in the same shoe with you, my own is that am living in the United States and I actually married to my ex and we had the baby but she don't let the boy near my family but It will be bloody when I come back, i'm supprise this thing is hapening to another person.

Jooko, it will be ' bloody' when you get back?! That will solve what?

I'm also waiting for his explanation.

@ all fathers who want thier children,
its very simple, all you need to do is to bring an action for full custody if you are the biological father and it can be shown that she has no means of livihood, or she is not a fit person to bring up a child, however it must be proven that you are the father first. call any lawyer or get in touch with ne,
at jookco, when divorcing your ex, did you ask for access to the child?

If you want to live with your son, contact a lawyer and do it through legal means. However, if you want the best for your son, instead of just sending money to the mom or grandmom, you have to play a more active role in his life. You have to choose the school he goes to, and directly pay the fees. Enroll him in whatever activity you think will benefit him and directly pay the fees. Visit him often and form a good relationship with him. You can then give the balance of the money to whoever he's living with,

Nekai:

1. No there isn't.

2. Yes, as the custodial parent his mother has turned over temporary care for school purposes.

3. Since you haven't seen your son you don't know the full story. His mother is his caretaker, even if grandma is housing him temporarily. How do you know grandma isn't after your money? Send the school fees directly to the school and the rest to his mother. You don't know the arrangement between mum/grandma.

You say your wife wants you to take the boy. From the beginning both you and your wife are placing yourselves at odd with your son's mother. You haven't mentioned anything about going to talk to her, or even going to visit your son. You are over complicating your life. Since the grandma has the boy for school your son's mother shouldn't have a big problem with sending him to live with you during the school year and sending him to her for vacation/holidays/extended weekends.

The problem is that you and your wife have a judgemental and hostile attitude towards her, which makes her think you will never send the boy back to visit. Also, she probably thinks you and your wife will mistreat the boy and constantly look for evidence of her poor parenting in him. (ie. Look what you did! Your mother turned you into a silly boy!)

It's really easy to judge her from where you are, since you furthered your education as far as liked and had the free time to go out and meet the woman of your choice. Also your reputation isn't tarnished a bit because of your son, since you have been removed from the situation. But, think for a moment how different would your life had been if you had shared the physical stress and responsibility of the boy from the beginning. Maybe she wouldn't have resorted to sleeping with her married boss if you were there to relieve her of her duties for half the week so that she could have has some free time to herself. Maybe she did it to keep her job and a roof over their heads. It wasn't right whatever the reason, but your hands are not clean either.

I stand by the fact that you need to talk it out with his mother without looking down on her. Both of you are in a tough spot and you need to come together like adults. Your son will be better off this is civil.

Go (by yourself) and visit and keep a positive demeanor. Simply ask if you can have your son during the school year, and send him back for visits during the holidays. It's not a matter of begging her or anything. Just humble yourself a little here. His mother has had to bear the majority of the consequences of this situation that both of you created. If for no other reason do it for your son, who loves the both of you and will be broken if this all goes badly.

Outstrip:

Poor child. When adults make silly mistakes the children always suffer. You cannot remove the child from where he is comfortable. I would suggest to you though that you should start with maybe a holiday spent with you and yoru new wife. See how he does and also how your wife treats him. Maybe after a few holidays he might be okay with living with you since it seems his mother is also absent from the picture.

snowdrops:

You rather are the one jumping to conclusion without reading the thread properly.

1. So man and woman Be Intimate; woman becomes pregnant; blame the woman, its her fault. What BS. She went out with her boss, as a single woman. Who knows the circumstances at the time.

2. She alledgedly has not paid the child`s school fees. Poster has no solid evidence to back this up, its only hear say. A friend told him. Poster only wants his son back; why dont you people ask him if apart from sending money, he has visited the son at all.

GBAM!!! see sensible comments.

oya, OP-when was the last time you visited your son? if you have not visited, why? you better go visit soon if you have not.
continue to send money and keep records of what you send. that child should not have to suffer because his parents cannot get along.

Crucial example of why young people should not mortgage their futures with unplanned babies.

someone once said the most dangerous thing in the world is an erect dykke. so they wouldn't listen, i mean can you imagine how the OP put how he got the woman pregnant?

Snowdrops is right here.

tpia@:

if all this isnt a glaring advert about the perils of careless sex, then i dont know what is.

True!!

@OP:
Build a relationship with your son, and taking him away from his mum/grandma whom he has a bond with won't solve anything

am sure his wife has not given him any children or a male child thats why he now wants the boy.