,        .

Well, first, I don't believe it's a religion issue, there are good and bad men everywhere in the world. What your husband did to you just brought tears to my eyes. Girl, marriage is not a do or die, you just had a baby and need someone supportive. Do you have any family you could stay with? I'd advise you, for your peace of mind, to move to a good family member's house (parents, siblings) with your baby for some time. Meanwhile, feel free to tell his mother what her son has been up to. Pray for him and pray for direction. I don't support divorce without trying to make things better, bur your husband is too much. Take time to think things through and talk to him with the help of his family if possible, to understand if there is anything you did wrong or any chance he might change. If you see improvement, hold on there and try to make it work, otherwise,

I thought I have read this story before on NL

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STD for wedding gift?
damn! girl you tried for staying o.

My dear, i really don't know where to start, Omo, i will just let you know that you married an irresponsible man, but i think there is still room for a change, i think the advice Miss _Ife gave you above is very good, you need to be with your family, so that you can take care of your son like you should jus for a while though, i won't advocate divorce now, until all possible chanels have been exhausted and there is no result still, just take heart, everything would be fine.

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This is why people advocate relationship before marriage. It is good that you stayed a virgin till you were married, but these are the dangers you might face. It takes a special man to appreciate a virgin; which is why i believe virgins should marry virgins. You will be too innocent to watch out for funny behaviors and attitude's before marriage. What i mean is, you are not emotionally mature to where you have faced serious problems and overcome them  in which sex is involved. Sex complicates things more during relationships. I also believe that people dont show you their true self until you have reached a place where you are comfortable and most likely intimate relationship is involved. Also, you had the chance to hold off on having kids when the STD issue happened, but you still went ahead and conceived for him. If you were using your brain all this while, you would have focused on trying to work on your relationship before bringing a child into it. If he did not change while you were trying to work on the relationship without bringing a child into it, right now it would have been easier to leave. The real issue here is your husband is not and was never ready for marriage. Until he decides within himself that he is ready, things will not change. You can for the sake of your family, report the issue to his pastor. His pastor will call you both and discuss. A man that spends the money meant for his son is still a child and not responsible. You said he did not respond to the doctor's request when it was discovered you had an STD. Did he get treatment? Because if he didnt, sooner or later he may find himself impotent. Also, did you do a marriage course before marriage? It doesnt matter that you are muslim, most chirstians have this course before marriage and undergo serious counseling. Marrying a Christian means you are flexible in your religion. Seek good help where ever it comes from. It can be his pastor or your imam. I will suggest you tell his mother everything you wrote in the first post. Tell her in confidence, so that she can advise him in a way that will not look like she was told and he is being attacked or a ganged up on.

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letty45:

@2mch, i told his mum some of these but not everythng , she asked me why i didnt tell her when she was around. she also said that im married to a chirstain home now n i should go to church( sincerely, i dont want to change my region, he promised me b4 marriage that to him it doesnt really matter and that  he would let me practice my religion), she also said marriage is about mutual respect, that i shoudnt have slapped him no matter what, and that she has asked him if he has stop staying out late and drinking n smoking and he told her he has stop, and she said she was disappointed that he was still keeping out late and all that. my last bday which was last year, he said he order my gift, till 2day i have seen any gift. he lost his job last year n i put to bed this year, he has only bought just 1 cloth for his baby, everythng our baby has, i bought them. i was opportuned to see is facebook profile, he left it opened on the pc. he toasted girls in their inbox telling them to just flash his number and that he would call them back,  i almost fainted when i saw all the msgs he sent to 4girls. i told him i also recieve msgs like that on facebook n cant believe he too can toast  girls that he is not sure existed.  someone last year posted a joke on nairaland, abt a man who is financee tested him by telling her sister to entise her finance, and his finance ran towards his car to get condom and the financee s family clapped for him that he passed the test by not following the sister to the room, not knowing he was actually goin to his car to get a condom,  my husband replied that topic by saying that he would have failed the test because he wouldnt have gone to the car to get condom ,he would ve ran straight after the sister to the room. when i saw that, i didnt even want any of my female relatives near him, i later told him that i read his reply,  he denied it at 1st , he now said he was joking,  i emotionally recked.

This is a very serious issue. First i will like to know how old you are? How old is he? How long did you date before marriage? I personally think these things are very important, because i believe you let your virginity and abstinence take precedent over common sense. You are as much to blame as he is. You agreed to marry him after all, without truly knowing who he was. While being married to a spouse of like religion makes things easier, there are families with parents of different religions who live in peace under the same roof. It takes maturity and understanding to work through these. It appears he is going through trying times at the moment and is seeking happiness in the wrong places. I hope you are also not kicking him while he is down. Maybe you should focus more on encouraging him to look for work and contacting people you know who can help him find something. Also, sit him down and just listen. Dont cry, argue or nag. Just listen to him talk about what is going on and what is making him who he is. And then suggest solutions, dont impose or force. It depends on how long you are willing to stick around and work on it. I advice that as your baby is still young you desist from sex with him. About the gift issue, you come across as a bit childish. At least now you know why he could not afford your birthday present, he didnt have a job! So let that go. To me he seems afraid of failure or looking like a failure to you which is why he never told you about his job loss. Do you make it easy for him to have a conversation with you? Try to work on your relationship first. If it doesnt change, then he is simply not ready. Take it to his pastor if his family is that much of a christian home, he will listen. Look for a non judgmental pastor.

it is well, take time out to deeply think about what you want, then follow your heart

you made a huge mistake by getting pregnant. This dude showed you signs weeks after wedding, you shouldn't have conceived. No amount of babies will change a man that does not want to change. This is one mistake women make and BY the time they realize it they have got so many kids and feel tied down. I have always said this that when a woman notices some cheating traits in her hubby especially @ the early stage ,please do not get pregnant because a time will come when you will be glad you didn't.

God forbid this case will  never be my portion. If it happens I am definitely not going to conceive and I am walking out. . ,

@ Poster
I have only two words for you - TITILAYO AROWOLO 

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^^ that's the mistake women make. She needs to walk away . . . But we can't make that decision for her. I mean 4wks after wedding and I have got STD ki lo de? No way would I have conceived at all. There is something about serial cheats and most women don't know this. . . .  A serial cheat is not to be forgiven at all, the more you forgive them and forge ahead with them , the more they call you fools in their minds and also the less respect you get from them.

When I hear men say they would give a leg to have a virgin , I just tell them to STFU, here was a virgin at this age and time married to a silly man whose third leg is busy hanging low in third main land bridge for female passersby.

This man made a huge mistake no doubt but this poster is as much to blame as well. Never give a serial cheat a chance, especially one that flaunts his relationship in your face, seriously imagine a married man calling other gurls on the fone whilst I am lying in bed with him, what height of insult and disrespect. Infact Stay there you here, next thing we will see here is .''I have HIV '' Thread.

LMA0 @ sicherheit, what a wake up call. Ganz gut


LMaO

After reading ur post i can not claim to know what you are going through, but i surely know its bad, marriage is not meant to be misery, i commend your faithfulness to him despite all his wrongdoings, that tells me u are a woman of virtue, my dear, its not an issue with culture or religion, no, its an issue with most men (ego) many don't know how to handle this precarious factor that has punished many women.

My Humble advise is to move away from the house, focus more on your baby and your job and career, so that you would remain financially independent, report the issue to all concerned parties involved, do not change your mind, leopards never change its spots.

You obviously married a masked stranger who is only becoming himself again, he is not worth you. Life is too short and becoming shorter by the day to spend it in misery and pain.

NO matter what anyone tells this young woman she will not leave her matrimonial home because she is a muslim, that is the islamic way of life, divorce is the last option. I am sure a christian will not wait this long to leave home. That is why this lady only wants someone to talk to her husband, she does not want to leave. Can't you all get it? For this woman, marriage is do or die.

I really really pity this young woman. There is no help from anywhere. Maybe his mother and father are the only ones that can help you.

I am a muslim man married to a christian and I have not and will never ask her to change her religion. So, your mother in-law asking you to change religion does not really make sense to me.

May GOD help you through.

GOODLUCK but not Jonathan.

Another super story. Sounds too good to be true. Enjoy the stds and Hiv --- happy marital bliss.

What did u really expect? dat ur marriage was doomed to fail from the beginning. Muslim and Christian? NEVER!!!!! U had better pack out now!!!!!

I actualy did shed a drop after reading ds story.1st its so real and unmade up I cud actualy picture d poster in ha house,wailing inside ha heart.Wasting family funds,alcoHolic,unashamed womaniser while depriving his of sex,porn loving,den Jobless!How much can 1 individual endure.Dis is a tough 1,d 1thing u shd do ontop of all oda efforts u av bn making is to pray to whceva God u serve and not wat a million Nlanders here will tel u,for guidance and counselling.Dis is one of d cases dat I feel dosnt require any side comments or snide remarks,dough I do enjoy dem 2 b honest,we shd jst all wsh d poster d bst in life and may wateva decision she is guided to take b the bst for her,ha kid and evn d husb bc all wii b affected 1way or d oda by wat she finally decides to do.Lord av mercy!Issues evrywhere evrday!

@ OP, your story is a sad one but it very easy to cast all the blame on your other half. I do blame him for things his done wrong but you also have to eat an humble pie and accept things you have done wrong as well.
What is going on in your family is much more than a religion issue so put that aside for now and deal with the character issue that is affecting your family. While I will not apportion blames to the things that your husband as done or his doing right now, you are the one that is seeking for advice so you are the one I will talk too. It is a bit difficult to give a true advice because there are so many other things that we do not know about the two of you. Like how did you meet? What was he like before you got married? Why did both of you married when it seem you are not totally compatible? etc,

From experience and from things I have read, it is a difficult time for a man to lose his job. Does that excuse is drinking or lying  or cheating behaviour? NO but you also need to be careful of the kind of character to display during these times. You need to endure with great patience with men during these times. It is difficult to do as you carry the rresponsibility This can make him lose his self dignity and ego. It can be making him stay out at night and your attitude may also not be making be helping him either. I am saying this to you because I believe you still want to stay in your marriage and you want your man back.

My advice is this, you need to be prayerful.
-seek godly counsel whether with a marriage counsellor, imam or pastor
-Be strong to face issues
-Change the way you relate to your husband that is positively. There is no need to live in the same house and ignore him.
-Be overly friendly, let him feel what is doing to you is not affecting you. Greet him warmly and ask how his day was?
-Try and leave families out of your matters. They may not give you the right help as everyone want to protect their interest.
- With calmness and humility, talk to him when his mood is better

All the best

So sad. Too bad you didn't know the man you married till you got into it. Big lessons for those yet to marry.

I honestly don't know how you can survive with a man like this, it will take a miracle for him to change.

I think you are better alone than with him in the meantime. After all he is not responsible for anything.

Aside everything, what pisses me off most is the flagrant, irresponsible, what can you do and "I dont send you" way the man is doing it.

Did you beg him to marry you or what? How can you be talking to your gf with your wife beside you, Carry STD give your wife within 4weeks of marriage,

Well I really have to question the Op and what you were looking at/for during the dating process, This is just too much for you to miss unless you were total strangers to one another

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E leyi ti koja be careful.  . I suggest you find someone to talk with him, someone he respects. Most likely a male figure. He is a rebellious person and will not follow you to any counselor. Besides, counselors can be expensive if you are looking for an expert. I dont think at this present financial state that you can afford it. You never talked about his father, does he have one? . You also did not answer our question about how long you dated. In the first post you also stated that you left your fiance for the OP. I see you were moved by him stalking you and misinterpreting it with love. Those kind of people are the most problem plagued or psychotic. He has a problem, the issue is he doesnt know it. He lacks empathy.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/lack-of-empathy-in-relationships.html

Read this link, i think you can relate to it.

My dear, you have to leave that guy, maybe that is going to be the beginning of his thinking, that he is not doing the right thing, no matter the cousellors that is couselling him, that will not change him, unless he has made up his mind to change, you have to think about yourself and baby now,

@letty45,

    People have given you plenty of good advice on this thread. I will simply say stop thinking about yourself (and hopes of salvaging an unsalvageable marriage) and start thinking about your child - you need to leave this hell of a marriage for your child's sake since you're the only parent he has. Your baby needs a mother who is stable and emotionally able. Go and stay with family who can support you and help raise your child in a noble manner. Your husband is not your responsibility - you are his. And since he has forsaken you why are you spending time and effort trying to get people to 'talk to him' and 'change him'? Such a loser can only change by himself.

Please for the sake of your child - leave this 'marriage' before it is too late.

This is serious! A marriage so young? May God help us.
But seriously, I dont believe your husband just developed this behaviour you either ignored or werent observant

I'll start by saying, remove divorce from your mind. The mistakes have been made already, what we want is a solution. I'm sure you made vows during your wedding, live by yours; it was for better for worse, it's a pity you guys are starting on the worse. No amount of remorse can change what is on ground. The first thing you need is patience. Besides, i hope you're not the type that tie Hijab all over the house, if you are, pls change. look sexy for him. If you have a blackberry or something that you'll engage in that can make him jealous, pls engage in them. i must warn you that you'll have to do this with some caution, when he starts getting jealous, he might want to use that as an excuse to launch attacks. The point of this is that no man, no matter how he cheats will want his wife to look outside or another man wink at his wife, when he starts noticing that, some part of him comes home

letty45:

thank u so much, when we were dating the relationship was fantastic, we were always together we went everywhere together, i never saw that side of him. but then b4 i agreed to date him - he went thruogh my friends, in fact i felt he was disturbing me too much, but we really understood each other, i cant believe how the relationship turned around.i have talked to him, i have cried n cried, i have done silly things like warning 2 different girls to leave him alone( via text msgs) , that he is a married man. he prefers to go for his occassions alone without me, i always want to follow him but he always gives me excuses, like when i was pregnant, i wanted to follow him for is niece s birthday party, he said he didnt want to because i was pregnant and that he is just being careful and all that, i understood. abt 2 months back, his cousin had his wedding, i told him i wasnt going if the wedding is in an opened ground because of our baby, he told me that it was in a hall, on that day he left the house early and told me he wanted to take the groom to the location and come back for us, i waited and waited for him, i called he cut off the line and sent me a text that the place was too noisy, i asked if he was still coming to pick us, he replied back, saying no because the wedding place is an open ground, he confuses me, he stands me up alot. even our wedding anniversary he got home 12.30am the next day, i told him ill never forget that: i asked him if he still loves me he said honestly he still loves me, and that he is still very much attracted to me - that i remind him of when we first met. i ve bottled up so much of all these, i need to tell someone, im surrounded by other married couples, who go out with their children @ weekends and all that. he leaves me alone all weekends. about 3 sundays ago, he went to his friends house, when it was after 9pm he called me to tell me that his friends and their wives are hanging out somewhere and they invited him so he is coming home late. i felt so unhappy, his friends take their wives with them when going out, while he prefers to be on his own,, he has his good sides too, when he had a job he gave me all i ask for, i wasnt even spending my salary then and thats why i dont mind taking the home responsibilities now that he has no job,,,, i really dont mind because i know its just a temporary phase of life. this is the 3rd day we havent said a word to each other. i need a marriage/relationship cousellor to talk to both of us. i prefer a stranger who doesnt know him and i. if anyone can reccommend a good relationship cousellor, i ll be grateful. i have so much bottled inside of me, so many things he had done to me in this early time of marriage

lord of mercy!

[img]http://hurkunde.files./2010/11/pulp-fiction-gif.gif%3Fw%3D500%26h%3D224[/img]

Hi Letty, i honestly understand what u are going through, cos am going through the same thing but in another dimension. I dint think u need a marriage counselor o!
u need to get hold of yourself and sparkle up your life.cos these guys dint care a bit.
dint leave the marriage just use him as figure head .
let him notice some positive changes in you.
pls stop begging it makes them feel cool with themselves
u only live once so lets enjoy this life.
wish we could hang out one of these days and unwind

ADUmati:

Hi Letty, i honestly understand what u are going through, cos am going through the same thing but in another dimension. I dint think u need a marriage counselor o!
u need to get hold of yourself and sparkle up your life.cos these guys dint care a bit.
dint leave the marriage just use him as figure head .
let him notice some positive changes in you.
pls stop begging it makes them feel cool with themselves
u only live once so lets enjoy this life.
wish we could hang out one of these days and unwind

that's actually a smart idea.

women should go out more. guys hang out in viewing centres to watch football, knocking few bottles around. . . . .women should take cue as well.
hang out, share ideas, unwind and live happily ever after.