Good evening everyone, I need your candid opinion as I am about to return my proposal ring to my husband to be. We plan on traveling out of the country next year after getting married. All of a sudden he has been insisting on us not having a court wedding. He just wants us to do traditional wedding and that’s all!…I have tried to change his mind but he is really adamant about it. This is someone I have been dating for close to 6 years

Court marriage has become a norm in this generation. I do not like it but it seems to be a watchdog for the madness people exhibit in marriage these days.

But why not accept the court wedding? What is your fear? After all, it favours women most.

So in summary... you value court wedding(which is just paper and signatures) over your potential husband and you are ready to be single again till you get that paper?

Did he say what his reasons were?

wis3:
Did he say what his reasons were?

He said “Nobody knows tomorrow”

Merxi:
He said “Nobody knows tomorrow”

I'm not one to so but he's probably onto something. So he wants to get married but not make it official

Hi, Merxi.

From your statement that "he said nobody knows tomorrow", I think his decision is not unrelated to family law that most abroad countries have.

He might be troubled about the prospect of losing everything in the event of a divorce.

And I guess your insistence may push him farther down that line, making him think you're trying to get an insurance for yourself if things go south.

What can you do?

I honestly don't know, but I'll suggest:

1. Sit him down and ask him directly what his fears are. Is he scared that in the event of a divorce, the court will stand on your court wedding contract and he may lose nearly everything to you?

Is he wary of you "getting insurance" while he is, literally, left out to dry?

2. Stop insisting on the court wedding. If you have been doing that, you should have noticed that it alienates him further. Just stop insisting or "trying to bring him around". He's going to interpret it as you trying to rope him in. No man likes that.

3. I think you guys can go for a prenuptial agreement. I don't know if Nigeria honors it, but many foreign countries do honor it. In the prenuptial agreement, you both state what and how you want your assets divided in the event of a divorce.

I don't have much info about that, but you should talk with lawyer (your friend, family, or colleague is fine).

Like I said, I don't know much, but I'm thinking along those lines. You guys have to sort it out.

Try not to sound desperate about the court wedding. Be firm about it, but be willing to take certain compromise so that you don't look desperate and looking for a way out.


Modified: please, when I mentioned the bolded, I was referring to a prenuptial agreement and not any other thing that would jeopardise your safety.

You both need to feel secure in that marriage and that's the whole point.

And how did you two intend to travel out of the country as a couple without a court wedding certificate? Except you plan going as singles.

Moneyyman:
Hi, Merxi.

From your statement that "he said nobody knows tomorrow", I think his decision is not unrelated to family law that most abroad countries have.

He might be troubled about the prospect of losing everything in the event of a divorce.

And I guess your insistence may push him farther down that line, making him think you're trying to get an insurance for yourself if things go south.

What can you do?

I honestly don't know, but I'll suggest:

1. Sit him down and ask him directly what his fears are. Is he scared that in the event of a divorce, the court will stand on your court wedding contract and he may lose nearly everything to you?

Is he wary of you "getting insurance" while he is, literally, left out to dry?

2. Stop insisting on the court wedding. If you have been doing that, you should have noticed that it alienates him further. Just stop insisting or "trying to bring him around". He's going to interpret it as you trying to rope him in. No man likes that.

3. I think you guys can go for a prenuptial agreement. I don't know if Nigeria honors it, but many foreign countries do honor it. In the prenuptial agreement, you both state what and how you want your assets divided in the event of a divorce.

I don't have much info about that, but you should talk with lawyer (your friend, family, or colleague is fine).

Like I said, I don't know much, but I'm thinking along those lines. You guys have to sort it out.

Try not to sound desperate about the court wedding. Be firm about it, but be willing to take certain compromise so that you don't look desperate and looking for a way out.

As they plan on traveling out of the country next year after getting married, what document(s) will they provide at the embassy as their marriage certificate?

Moneyyman:
Hi, Merxi.

From your statement that "he said nobody knows tomorrow", I think his decision is not unrelated to family law that most abroad countries have.

He might be troubled about the prospect of losing everything in the event of a divorce.

And I guess your insistence may push him farther down that line, making him think you're trying to get an insurance for yourself if things go south.

What can you do?

I honestly don't know, but I'll suggest:

1. Sit him down and ask him directly what his fears are. Is he scared that in the event of a divorce, the court will stand on your court wedding contract and he may lose nearly everything to you?

Is he wary of you "getting insurance" while he is, literally, left out to dry?

2. Stop insisting on the court wedding. If you have been doing that, you should have noticed that it alienates him further. Just stop insisting or "trying to bring him around". He's going to interpret it as you trying to rope him in. No man likes that.

3. I think you guys can go for a prenuptial agreement. I don't know if Nigeria honors it, but many foreign countries do honor it. In the prenuptial agreement, you both state what and how you want your assets divided in the event of a divorce.

I don't have much info about that, but you should talk with lawyer (your friend, family, or colleague is fine).

Like I said, I don't know much, but I'm thinking along those lines. You guys have to sort it out.

Try not to sound desperate about the court wedding. Be firm about it, but be willing to take certain compromise so that you don't look desperate and looking for a way out.

You tried to sound fair, you tried so hard to avoid the bolded but you can't help it.

Merxi:
Good evening everyone, I need your candid opinion as I am about to return my proposal ring to my husband to be. We plan on traveling out of the country next year after getting married. All of a sudden he has been insisting on us not having a court wedding. He just wants us to do traditional wedding and that’s all!…I have tried to change his mind but he is really adamant about it. This is someone I have been dating for close to 6 years

When you say you want court wedding, do you mean that you both visit the registry instead of going the traditional route?

If indeed your plan is to leave this country with him in the future, ensure your marriage is registered in the courts or you will end up a left-behind wife.

One thing I have learnt is Traditional options amounts to entering into a polygamous arrangement which allows him marry other wives even while still married to you so. I think your fiance is aware of this and intends to have his options open even as he ties you down in marriage to him.

I also learnt that the traditional marriage route presents itself as a handicap against the woman in the case of divorce. If he decides or you decide on divorce, chances are high that you will end up with next to nothing after all your toiling as a couple.

So, you really need to consider whether marrying him is worth the potential headache down the road or not. :

Do court wedding if you don't have any hidden future agenda with your spouse.

Merxi:
He said “Nobody knows tomorrow”

So he is taking out insurance for himself against you even before you both become husband and wife?

Merxi:
Good evening everyone, I need your candid opinion as I am about to return my proposal ring to my husband to be. We plan on traveling out of the country next year after getting married. All of a sudden he has been insisting on us not having a court wedding. He just wants us to do traditional wedding and that’s all!…I have tried to change his mind but he is really adamant about it. This is someone I have been dating for close to 6 years

His choice of traditional marriage is valid but you can choose not to be a part of it. I think the major problem in your marriage is trust more than anything else. Boys and girls are not smiling these days

PS: Traditional marriages are valid both in Nigeria and abroad. Just get it registered at the local registry for proper documentation

socialmediaman:


His choice of traditional marriage is valid but you can choose not to be a part of it. I think the major problem in your marriage is trust more than anything else. Boys and girls are not smiling these days

PS: Traditional marriages are valid both in Nigeria and abroad. Just get it registered at the local registry for proper documentation

if they register it in the local registry, that will make it an official union. They get a marriage certificate from the registry when the process is complete, isn’t it then for all intents and purposes, a “court wedding”? They just didn’t have a ceremony at the registry.

Thantayo:
So in summary... you value court wedding(which is just paper and signatures) over your potential husband and you are ready to be single again till you get that paper?

if the potential husband doesn’t value her enough to commit without keeping one leg out, then she should definitely value that piece of paper more than him. It’s not just a piece of paper

My dear. Let a Yoruba person translate for you. Ilu ola ti e nlo, e Le fera loju ijoba te ba fe se pali. Iya ma je pasa si yin lorun. . nkan ti oko e ro lowo bayi. Te ba ti je nkan yin, e ma fera loun nibe.

If you guys want to travel out, chances are that he's aware of family laws over there that favours women and not men. But that's not the main issue because many Nigerian couples are still getting marriage documented before travelling out.

I think you or someone else may have subtly given him the idea of uncertainty of what will happen when he marries you and travels out with you. We've read stories about how Nigeria ladies go abroad and turn to lions in the household because of their family laws. Guy man wants to protect himself. Forget 6 years, women will still be women. I can't think of anything else than that. The solution is to give him an assurance of loyalty.

Marvyx:
I think you or someone else may have subtly given him the idea of uncertainty of what will happen when he marries you and travels out with you. We've read stories about how Nigeria ladies go abroad and turn to lions in the household because of their family laws. Guy man wants to protect himself. Forget 6 years, women will still be women. I can't think of anything else than that. The solution is to give him an assurance of loyalty.

I think the problem here is in the how he intends to go about protecting himself. He could easier protect himself by signing a prenuptial agreement with his wife-to-be. But you and i know that traditional marriage here in Nigeria would not keep divorce from happening even from abroad, but it can keep her from leaving Nigeria with him. So..... yes, the problem is the how he intends to protect himself.

By the way, what makes you think her loyalty means anything to him if after 6 years he still intends to take out traditional marriage insurance against her??

I still can't wrap it round my head why people won't want their marriages legally documented. It's only on NL I read these things.


These things are not supposed to be open for discussions at all how on earth won't a marriage be documented legally in this day and age, what is the evidence of marriage.


He doesn't even want to guys to have a solemnization in church where you can get the certificate, I doubt he will even let you register that trad marriage at the LGA it seems the major aim is not to have any legal document.

Thantayo:
So in summary... you value court wedding(which is just paper and signatures) over your potential husband and you are ready to be single again till you get that paper?

You ask urself, if ur so called "potential husband" truly want to leave up to responsibility, how come he is developing cold feet on the issues of marriage? At least to prove to the whole world that he is not a conman.

abimcdssi:
And how did you two intend to travel out of the country as a couple without a court wedding certificate? Except you plan going as singles.

That is enough to show that, her story is fake or she dnt know what she is saying?

Kobojunkie:
So he is taking out insurance for himself against you even before you both become husband and wife?

Nothing bad in that: smart move even.

It's always wise to plan for worst case scenario though I'm intrigued to know how they'll prove their union at the embassy.

That man doesn't mean well for you especially with that statement of one doesn't know tomorrow.
He just wants a baby making machine.
You will end up being his baby mama, because he will travel out and leave you in Nigeria.
Better to avoid that scenario now and protect your womb.
Start looking for ways to travel abroad legally on your own, if that's your plan because that man has no plans for you.

Raalsalghul:
1.Nothing bad in that: smart move even.

2. It's always wise to plan for worst case scenario though I'm intrigued to know how they'll prove their union at the embassy.

1. There is everything wrong with this as marriage is meant to be an agreement between a man and a woman.

2. There is planning for worst case scenario and their is mere foolishness. This here ofcourse is the latter.

I think church certificates are just as valid as court certificates. I may be wrong tho

Mindlog:


As they plan on traveling out of the country next year after getting married, what document(s) will they provide at the embassy as their marriage certificate?

Hi, yes. I tried to be as fair as possible. When I said compromise, I didn't mean something bad. I was talking about a prenuptial agreement. Maybe I should have included it there. I'll modify now.

Her husband's fears (if confirmed) are quite valid. We can't pretend that the abroad laws, in most cases, are not hard on men and a bit easier on women during divorce. Women have it rough too, though.

I think it's best that they both do a prenuptial agreement as that could protect the both of them to their best interests.

Persephone1:
You tried to sound fair, you tried so hard to avoid the bolded but you can't help it.

Moneyyman:
I think church certificates are just as valid as court certificates. I may be wrong tho

Not all Churches, especially those mushroom ones.

Okay, thanks.

Mindlog:


Not all Churches, especially those mushroom ones.

Any man wey get sense... don't do Court.

That's what elders told us.... I have seen guys who did and are full of regrets now.

Thantayo:
So in summary... you value court wedding(which is just paper and signatures) over your potential husband and you are ready to be single again till you get that paper?

No wonder the guy smelt a big rat and bailed.