Graduate2015:


Waoo waoo u are truly an Analysist just like ur username. I'm going to copy ur suggestions and read them everyday to keep myself in check because it can be very frustrating. I used my time to research on adult ADHD and that's is my husband. He forgets things, once he is home he is always looking for his phone. Everything about Adult ADHD is my home. I also read experiences of partners living with them and that's my life. They turn u into a nag as that's the only way things can get done around the house. They also mention that they can also suffer from bipolar disorder and sometimes both are interwoven. I have been complaining that he doesn't listen when I'm talking to him or even when I ask him to do something he will just forgets it. He doesn't remember any of our children's date of birth. I have researched about ADHD in kids as we suspect my son has it. He is constantly on the move especially in daycare that they cant cope. He can't sit still for more than 2mins. I also remember my husband saying how he never entered class in early stages of primary school as he was busy playing around and can't even remember where his class was. Thank you for this insight. I pray he reads about adult adhd and acknowledges that's his problem. I've always imagined why he just can't organise, manage himself or pay his bills.

This one kind of ties in with relationship woes, because it has to do with a person’s emotions. Someone with ADHD will experience a constant flux in their emotions. One minute they are up, the next they are down. It’s also closely associated with some of the other symptoms on this list, such as being easily distracted or unable to focus. “You can easily become bored and go looking for excitement on a whim. Small frustrations can seem intolerable or bring on depression and mood swings,” explains Healthline. These kinds of unstable emotions can cause an array of problems both in your personal and professional life.

In relation to this, Health.com also explains that adults with ADHD might suffer from a short fuse, or quick temper. They will have trouble controlling their emotions in heated situations and find themselves easily frustrated and fuming mad one second, then completely over it the next. This symptom is tricky and is easily misconstrued as bipolar disorder. In fact, Health.com notes that often times people with ADHD are misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I am glad you got good advise from this thread.

God will uphold your home and family

Graduate2015:

I can never be in his shoes because I detest unorganised place. I'm very proactive and I don't wait for someone to remind me do activities of daily living

This your comment reveals a lot
You detest unorganized place (people)
But you are married to one for the past 16 years with kids
You say you are proactive but you write you say you are at the point of been worn out

baralatie:

This your comment reveals a lot
You detest unorganized place (people)
But you are married to one for the past 16 years with kids
You say you are proactive but you write you say you are at the point of been worn out

Since she said the man struggles with mental illness. it is possible that he wasn't as disorganized 16 years ago. These things tend to get worse with age.

Kobojunkie:
Since she said the man struggles with mental illness. it is possible that he wasn't as disorganized 16 years ago. These things tend to get worse with age.

Or she got demoralized when she compared her husband with the husband of her neighbour/female friend(s) whilst the husband has always been who he is

Since he gives you access to his money, my advice is that you get a maid, a mature married woman who is ready to help out with cleaning and caring for the baby. Even the stress you are passing through is not necessary for you, if you can pay to get things done, then why not?

It's unfortunate you/hubby never trained your children to do house chores, I don't see anything bad in a child picking up whatever their father left in the sitting room every morning. If your children can operate the washing machine, what stopped them from washing their daddy's clothes? (I used to help my dad with washing). Take note, that with the way your husband is behaving, if you bring in a single lady into your home, your husband will surely have an affair, he's already addicted to porn*, so whatever Nanny you will employ should be an old widow, elderly married nanny or a male helper if your baby is a boy.

Your husband is hypertensive and diabetic, if he wants to go to work, come back, eat, and watch TV, please allow him. You both are capable, pay for a maid. It's never late to introduce your children to more house chores. Lastly, if after getting a helping hand for the chores, he still gets paranoid with his death threats, then better run for your life. Life is one, only evil' mentally*unstable people threaten their partners with death* threats.

baralatie:
Or she got demoralized when she compared her husband with the husband of her neighbour/female friend(s) whilst the husband has always been who he is

Well, from experience, I can definitely tell you that these things tend to get worse as one ages, particular when one does not treat them.

As for comparing her spouse to another when what you desire is not what you have, I think many of us do that, but that does not mean the problem isn't real, does it?

You're so selfish and insensitive. Your mans health is failing him and what he needs now is your support and care, not this high expectations you're placing on him.

This is a man that gives you everything. What does it take you to give the little he's asking of you? Oh.. because you can afford what he's giving you so they are not worth appreciating,? You are the problem here madam. Learn to be appreciative.

You also complained about his snoring which makes you abandon him in the bedroom and you expect him to continue coming near you and treating you like a wife?
You think he doesn't notice all that and is just watching you? Madam change and be a loving wife first if you want your man to love you back.

You no get problem. Wait until he withdraws resources, then you will know.

All I read from the responses are chauvinistic thoughts.

Kobojunkie:
Well, from experience, I can definitely tell you that these things tend to get worse as one ages, particular when one does not treat them.

As for comparing her spouse to another when what you desire is not what you have , I think many of us do that, but that does not mean the problem isn't real, does it?

Does is it mean that the wife should now use it as an excuse?knowing that that problem and job is what she signed up for?

Blessedmercy8:
You're so selfish and insensitive. Your mans health is failing him and what he needs now is your support and care, not this high expectations you're placing on him.

This is a man that gives you everything. What does it take you to give the little he's asking of you? Oh.. because you can afford what he's giving you so they are not worth appreciating,? You are the problem here madam. Learn to be appreciative.

You also complained about his snoring which makes you abandon him in the bedroom and you expect him to continue coming near you and treating you like a wife?
You think he doesn't notice all that and is just watching you? Madam change and be a loving wife first if you want your man to love you back.

You no get problem. Wait until he withdraws resources, then you will know.

Yes, my gut feeling was correct. You'll be amazing in any kind of healthy relationship.
Please try and give me a chance. That I'm on NL doesn't mean I'm a bad person entirely. I'm sorry if i said something wrong to give that impression.

Please be aware that i don't know how to chase women or disturb them into giving me their attention like most guys do. If you keep the snub up I will leave you alone.

GboyegaD:
All I read from the responses are chauvinistic thoughts.

Na wa oo!

From all I read I think you're the problem in your marriage. You don't give the man the respect he deserves. Telling him to clean the table...Telling him not to use toilet he wants....getting angry because he messed the toilets

All you have said are clear descriptions of a wife with bad character. Sorry to say.

Maybe western life has affected your behavior negatively. Try and seek advice from Home.

Graduate2015:

Sorry this is going to be lengthy. I dont know how to shorten this.
I'm married for 16yrs but I cannot say that I have enjoyed my marriage. My husband is lovely when in a good mood but worst during his bad mood. His mood goes up and down but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I think he has a bipolar and I've always mentioned to him that his behaviour seems like that but he never acknowledges it. Two yrs ago it got worse and we ended in couples therapy. During this period he revealed to me that while in the uni that he goes through period of sadness and the thing affected his grades anytime he experiences that mood during exam. I encouraged him to see a doctor and the doctor gave him antidepressant but he only used it for two weeks and stopped, saying he doesnt need that. But what he doesnt realise is that his period of sadness did not only happen in uni but its currently happening in his marriage. Our marriage is Iike a roller coaster. He finds problem but never suggests or initiate or even action solutions when suggested. He believes that every problem we have in our marriage is my fault ..
During his sad moments he eats unhealthy food, orders food everyday and says i make him sad and that i have caused him to gain weight. He suffers from diabetes and hypertension but he orders ice cream, chocolate smoothies during our silent period time. I've asked him for a separation but he refused. He calls me a wicked woman, that I make his life hell, that he will kill me one day. All this outburst just because u said something like can u clean up that plate u left in the sitting room(even though there was never a problem just before u ask). He uses visitors toilet but has never cleaned it. I have asked him several times not to use it. No other person at home uses it. Every morning I check and clean the toilet because he always leaves it unflushed.
He works almost everyday and provides for the family. I also work but since having our last child I only work on his day off which is once a week or twice because my son cannot stay in daycare due to his disability. He only goes to work, comes back, eat and watches tv. He detaches himself in family involvement while i run around with our children. He basically provides everything at home but he asks for my support when the need arises such as investments, I bring money for house or land deposits to support him or school fees. We have many houses. Our last duplex in Nigeria. He did foundation and stopped because he was building a house here. So I took over the building and finished he only continued from interior deco.
He doesn't help around the house, in short he messes it up and when I ask for it to be cleaned he gets really angry and can call me names. Because of my son's disability therapists comes to our house every day but he doesn't care if they meet his socks, belts and used plates in the sitting room because he leaves them there and rushes to work next day. He also doesn't delegate or ask our older kids to do any chores. He also doesn't involve in training them or in homework. He is a chronic porn addict and for the past few months he has stopped having sex with me. The last two we had in April I initiated it so I don't initiate anymore. He said anytime he ask for sex I always turn him down. But the fact is that he works everyday, sometimes nights. We.dont sleep in the same room because he snores and have sleep apnoe yet he is still not seeking any medical help. I end up staying awake the whole night if we sleep together not only does his snoring disturbs me but he also goes secs without breathing which scares me. He stays in the sitting room watching TV and comes to my room to demand sex around 4/5am which I can't do at that time. I suggested we watch TV in my room at night and have sex before sleep but he won't do it.
He also doesn't communicate his mind but end up using passive aggression to communicate. He gives silent treatment and I used to ask what was the problem as I sometimes don't even know what the problem was. Sometimes it's something I said which he could have told me off immediately. I dont ask what the problem is anymore because ive asked him to always communicate but still the same silent treatment. He can just burst into anger even with little issue. Right now I know he has some resentment and animosity towards me because of not being able to express his feelings. I buy everything in our house because he doesn't take charge or in control and always likes to be led. I think after all this yrs he is now feeling like he has lost control and i sense low self esteem even though his career is in the top highest paid job in the world. Our marriage has been like two weeks of good mood, then two weeks of silent treatment. He avoids discussing any problem and keep saying that there is no point discussing it because it will not bear any fruit that I will not change. Anything I dont do doesn't happen in our marriage. He takes responsibility of our car insurance but its not until I got into accident that I found out he hasn't paid our car insurance for a yr or two. Even our house didn't have house insurance since 2020 until i found out in April this year and immediately paid for it. He basically takes no responsibility for anything and its getting worse. It's like having a child but then u cant correct them because they can beat u up. I have a friend that her husband works all the time too but cleans their home on his day off. He also buys gadget like robotic cleaner to ease her suffering. I basically buy everything in my house. He doesn't have initiative except when investing in property, that's only place he takes leads, oh we should buy a house or land but this happens once a yr or more. It's not something you do everytime. He doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. I had to teach him when I was going away and this man damaged all his white designer clothes because he washed different colours together and also used cleaning bleach to wash clothes and my children kept saying how could he not know because they can use the machine.. I also pay for his clothes to be ironed. I don't know how he sees me as an evil person because he calls me that during quarrell.
His behaviour makes me so sad because we live overseas where is no help or family support. I'm always tired and he doesn't care. I stay awake at night with our son and he doesn't come out to help even with his cries he sleeps through it all. I don't think I can continue like this because he doesn't realise the problem. He thinks he helps around but I'm being ungrateful. I don't mind if he can own up and confess that he wants to be a traditional man but he will never confess but his actions tells me otherwise. His good part is that he gives me access to his money may be that's because I can use it to be running the house and remove that responsibility from him. He also buys me expensive things like range rover, gucci but my love language is not material stuff but hands on man because I believe I can afford that myself.

It well...
I will really like to discuss something important with you ma’am
Text me your contact
Thanks

Graduate2015:


Why do u assume that I knew he has this mood swings before marrying him? He was very sweet and always apologetic but our relationship was a long distance one. I had other suitors richer than him but I chose him because we clicked when we met and we were both Scripture Union members When we met he didn't have any money. He left the country six months after we met and wanted to marry me before leaving but i refused and asked him to go and come back while I finish uni. We dated for two years before getting married. I.dont know what else I could have done here. The six months we met he visited me several times in uni but that is not long enough for me to find out about his mood swing. I really don't know what else I could have done before marrying him.

If all you have just said is absolutely correct then you guys did yourselves a serious disfavor by not discussing the challenges you two encounter during the short period of dating that you had...pardon my earlier rant but I think you should have done better. In my own case my union started with a lot of mutual confessions about the past, weaknesses, health conditions, past trauma, experiences, life philosophies and the way forward. It really helped because we were prepared for what we were going into and were ready to provide succor and support for each other. However we must recognize that challenges will always come in marriage even if we are 100% prepared. First, you need to inform your hubby that this issue with his mind is a big problem that could threaten the marriage. Second, you need to ask him to spill the contents of his past (traumatic experiences, etc) that may have resulted in the problem of his mind. This will prove useful when looking for a solution. Third, if you are a Christian, you need to bring GOD's essence into your home. There is the prayer session that happens every morning and at midnight by one Pastor Jerry Eze (this is his youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/PastorJerryEze) that yields a lot of result and can help you create a spiritual altar in your home and dispel unclean forces. Create time to participate and get GOD's support regarding the issue you are facing. Lastly, realize that nothing good will go unchallenged in this world where there is a constant battle between the Prince of Peace and the prince of this world so be prepared to fight to keep your marriage. Goodspeed.

Graduate2015:

Sorry this is going to be lengthy. I dont know how to shorten this.
I'm married for 16yrs but I cannot say that I have enjoyed my marriage. My husband is lovely when in a good mood but worst during his bad mood. His mood goes up and down but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I think he has a bipolar and I've always mentioned to him that his behaviour seems like that but he never acknowledges it. Two yrs ago it got worse and we ended in couples therapy. During this period he revealed to me that while in the uni that he goes through period of sadness and the thing affected his grades anytime he experiences that mood during exam. I encouraged him to see a doctor and the doctor gave him antidepressant but he only used it for two weeks and stopped, saying he doesnt need that. But what he doesnt realise is that his period of sadness did not only happen in uni but its currently happening in his marriage. Our marriage is Iike a roller coaster. He finds problem but never suggests or initiate or even action solutions when suggested. He believes that every problem we have in our marriage is my fault ..
During his sad moments he eats unhealthy food, orders food everyday and says i make him sad and that i have caused him to gain weight. He suffers from diabetes and hypertension but he orders ice cream, chocolate smoothies during our silent period time. I've asked him for a separation but he refused. He calls me a wicked woman, that I make his life hell, that he will kill me one day. All this outburst just because u said something like can u clean up that plate u left in the sitting room(even though there was never a problem just before u ask). He uses visitors toilet but has never cleaned it. I have asked him several times not to use it. No other person at home uses it. Every morning I check and clean the toilet because he always leaves it unflushed.
He works almost everyday and provides for the family. I also work but since having our last child I only work on his day off which is once a week or twice because my son cannot stay in daycare due to his disability. He only goes to work, comes back, eat and watches tv. He detaches himself in family involvement while i run around with our children. He basically provides everything at home but he asks for my support when the need arises such as investments, I bring money for house or land deposits to support him or school fees. We have many houses. Our last duplex in Nigeria. He did foundation and stopped because he was building a house here. So I took over the building and finished he only continued from interior deco.
He doesn't help around the house, in short he messes it up and when I ask for it to be cleaned he gets really angry and can call me names. Because of my son's disability therapists comes to our house every day but he doesn't care if they meet his socks, belts and used plates in the sitting room because he leaves them there and rushes to work next day. He also doesn't delegate or ask our older kids to do any chores. He also doesn't involve in training them or in homework. He is a chronic porn addict and for the past few months he has stopped having sex with me. The last two we had in April I initiated it so I don't initiate anymore. He said anytime he ask for sex I always turn him down. But the fact is that he works everyday, sometimes nights. We.dont sleep in the same room because he snores and have sleep apnoe yet he is still not seeking any medical help. I end up staying awake the whole night if we sleep together not only does his snoring disturbs me but he also goes secs without breathing which scares me. He stays in the sitting room watching TV and comes to my room to demand sex around 4/5am which I can't do at that time. I suggested we watch TV in my room at night and have sex before sleep but he won't do it.
He also doesn't communicate his mind but end up using passive aggression to communicate. He gives silent treatment and I used to ask what was the problem as I sometimes don't even know what the problem was. Sometimes it's something I said which he could have told me off immediately. I dont ask what the problem is anymore because ive asked him to always communicate but still the same silent treatment. He can just burst into anger even with little issue. Right now I know he has some resentment and animosity towards me because of not being able to express his feelings. I buy everything in our house because he doesn't take charge or in control and always likes to be led. I think after all this yrs he is now feeling like he has lost control and i sense low self esteem even though his career is in the top highest paid job in the world. Our marriage has been like two weeks of good mood, then two weeks of silent treatment. He avoids discussing any problem and keep saying that there is no point discussing it because it will not bear any fruit that I will not change. Anything I dont do doesn't happen in our marriage. He takes responsibility of our car insurance but its not until I got into accident that I found out he hasn't paid our car insurance for a yr or two. Even our house didn't have house insurance since 2020 until i found out in April this year and immediately paid for it. He basically takes no responsibility for anything and its getting worse. It's like having a child but then u cant correct them because they can beat u up. I have a friend that her husband works all the time too but cleans their home on his day off. He also buys gadget like robotic cleaner to ease her suffering. I basically buy everything in my house. He doesn't have initiative except when investing in property, that's only place he takes leads, oh we should buy a house or land but this happens once a yr or more. It's not something you do everytime. He doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. I had to teach him when I was going away and this man damaged all his white designer clothes because he washed different colours together and also used cleaning bleach to wash clothes and my children kept saying how could he not know because they can use the machine.. I also pay for his clothes to be ironed. I don't know how he sees me as an evil person because he calls me that during quarrell.
His behaviour makes me so sad because we live overseas where is no help or family support. I'm always tired and he doesn't care. I stay awake at night with our son and he doesn't come out to help even with his cries he sleeps through it all. I don't think I can continue like this because he doesn't realise the problem. He thinks he helps around but I'm being ungrateful. I don't mind if he can own up and confess that he wants to be a traditional man but he will never confess but his actions tells me otherwise. His good part is that he gives me access to his money may be that's because I can use it to be running the house and remove that responsibility from him. He also buys me expensive things like range rover, gucci but my love language is not material stuff but hands on man because I believe I can afford that myself.

From all you have said, I deduce that your husband is mentally sick and it stems from his background, something from his past that he hasn't come to peace with and you might just remind him of that thing. When people binge eat, it is usually to comfort themselves of their depression(and they still eat to the point of deeper depression), the porn might also still be as a result of depression or just his sexual desires which you are not attending to tho I don't blame u(he needs to take care of himself first), he can't take charge of his home because he's scared to show his weaknesses to you or the children cause he doesn't want to fall your hand or theirs because he knows he's not currently a good role model for his children.

Meditation: First I think he needs to come to peace with the source of his depression, he should try meditation so as to be mindful of his feelings not just emotionally but physically too, he should also try writing down his feelings in a book, the things he's not happy about in his life(and also with a good plan to solve them), he should also write about the things he's happy and grateful for in his life.

Good hygiene practice: Healthy eating and exercise too will go a long way for him and give him the confidence to be the man he wishes he were for you and his children.

Isolation: I think he should isolate himself from fake external stimulations like social media and binge watching TV because in some ways they might be encouraging his depression, instead he should start reading good books that will help his confidence in himself, family and, profession.

Prayers: He needs to pray for himself to his maker who understands him the most in ways not even his wife or mother can't. And prayer from you too.

Forgiveness: He needs to forgive himself( for his weakness and incompetence that his feeling) and others.

Encouragement: He needs all the encouragement he can get not just from himself but you too, because truly you and his children are a source of his troubled mind, the feeling that he is not man enough to lead his family might be killing him and ridding him of every pride, confidence and self-esteem he has in himself as a man and leader.

kot1917:

It well...
I will really like to discuss something important with you ma’am
Text me your contact
Thanks

You can send me a private message to my email on nairaland or drop urs I will contact u

prof0fficial111:
From all I read I think you're the problem in your marriage. You don't give the man the respect he deserves. Telling him to clean the table...Telling him not to use toilet he wants....getting angry because he messed the toilets

All you have said are clear descriptions of a wife with bad character. Sorry to say.

Maybe western life has affected your behavior negatively. Try and seek advice from Home.

Oh really I'm the problem. When u walk in my shoes then we will talk.
Did u not.read that he messes.the toilet up without cleaning it knowing fully well he is the only one that uses it and we receive people everyday for hours?
Did u not read where I wrote he leaves his used plates, belts,, glasses, wine bottles in the sitting and goes to work? I
Did u not read where I wrote that I receive people in my home everyday and they use this toilet and follow my son everywhere during therapy?
Did u not read where I wrote that I have a child with disability that also doesn't sleep thay i'm tired due to.lack of sleep and he doesnt help?
How are my supposed to be cleaning after him? Why would he be creating extra stress and work for me knowing fully well I already have my hands full with no help?
I have asked him countless of times to delegate by asking kids to do the things for him if he is too tired. What is there in asking ur child to come and collect ur plate. I do that but he can't be bothered.

LilMissFavvy:
Since he gives you access to his money, my advice is that you get a maid, a mature married woman who is ready to help out with cleaning and caring for the baby. Even the stress you are passing through is not necessary for you, if you can pay to get things done, then why not?

It's unfortunate you/hubby never trained your children to do house chores, I don't see anything bad in a child picking up whatever their father left in the sitting room every morning. If your children can operate the washing machine, what stopped them from washing their daddy's clothes? (I used to help my dad with washing). Take note, that with the way your husband is behaving, if you bring in a single lady into your home, your husband will surely have an affair, he's already addicted to porn*, so whatever Nanny you will employ should be an old widow, elderly married nanny or a male helper if your baby is a boy.

Your husband is hypertensive and diabetic, if he wants to go to work, come back, eat, and watch TV, please allow him. You both are capable, pay for a maid. It's never late to introduce your children to more house chores. Lastly, if after getting a helping hand for the chores, he still gets paranoid with his death threats, then better run for your life. Life is one, only evil' mentally*unstable people threaten their partners with death* threats.

Even if I get a maid they can't be working 24/7..
They work per hour and we.the whole family still need to keep maintaining the house. I have asked him countless of times to delegate by asking kids to do the things for him if he is too tired. What is there in asking ur child to come and collect ur used plate. I do that but he can't just be bothered to leave it there.

Helpout12345:


Thank you. She is comparing her husband to her friends husband.

No one is comparing anyone to anyone. I just mentioned that to indicate that even if u are not capable of doing chores, atleast be buying gadgets or be good in any other things. Time has gone when men only go to work. If he was single, won't he clean his plates or his room or even cook food, wash his clothes and pay his bills?
My dad cooks, wakes up at night to check up on us and when we were sick he was there at night with us.

Graduate2015:

No one is comparing anyone to anyone. I just mentioned that to indicate that even if u are not capable of doing chores, atleast be buying gadgets or be good in any other things. Time has gone when men only go to work. If he was single, won't he clean his plates or his room or even cook food, wash his clothes and pay his bills?
My dad cooks, wakes up at night to check up on us and when we were sick he was there at night with us.

And now that you are married to a person who does not tow the line of your thought!
What happens?

Graduate2015:

No one is comparing anyone to anyone. I just mentioned that to indicate that even if u are not capable of doing chores, atleast be buying gadgets or be good in any other things. Time has gone when men only go to work. If he was single, won't he clean his plates or his room or even cook food, wash his clothes and pay his bills?
My dad cooks, wakes up at night to check up on us and when we were sick he was there at night with us.

My sister, you are just displaying same observation I made again in this your response. You are comparing your husband to other men in their marriages and to your father.

People are different. Everyone has their good and bad sides. Even you, you are not perfect. You have some things other women do better than you. Do you think it's good for your husband to forget about your good traits and focus on comparing your shortcomings with other women around you?

One person has told you again here that you can never get a perfect husband or wife. If you keep hoping your husband will be like all men in this world or like your father, I am sorry, you are just very unrealistic.

Graduate2015:


Even if I get a maid they can't be working 24/7..
They work per hour and we.the whole family still need to keep maintaining the house. I have asked him countless of times to delegate by asking kids to do the things for him if he is too tired. What is there in asking ur child to come and collect ur used plate. I do that but he can't just be bothered to leave it there.

This plate of a thing is even the worst of all the things you are complaining about. Please stop disrespecting your husband. Why can't you too ask your kids to pack the plate their father used to eat?

You said you have married for a long time and you are focusing on this type of petty thing like packing of plate your husband used to eat, and there are grown children in the house?

I recognize that you are also under pressure and overwhelmed, most especially due to your last child needing special care and you will be better if your husband is by your side always going through all these together. But you also need to realize that you have areas you need to improve to draw your husband back to you.

1. Stop comparing him to anybody.
2. Recognize his struggle with his health including the ADHD or depression. Don't nag with every petty things. Don't be the source of his crisis trigger.
3. Showing him more love and care. Help him out where it appears he is not taking initiative. Give him that feeling that you cherish, respect and care for him.
4. Sex part, start initiating the sex. Nothing to be ashamed off. After a while, he will get back to initiating it with you.
5. You have access to his money, get house help if you have to.
6. If he goes into the silent mode, initiate the settlement talks, ask him what the problem is.

If you continue in your current path, I am sorry, you cannot get a solution to the problems in your home. You just have to change your tactics.

May God uphold your home once again.

prof0fficial111:
From all I read I think you're the problem in your marriage. You don't give the man the respect he deserves. Telling him to clean the table...Telling him not to use toilet he wants....getting angry because he messed the toilets

All you have said are clear descriptions of a wife with bad character. Sorry to say.

Maybe western life has affected your behavior negatively. Try and seek advice from Home.

The things you listed are not worthy points of anger especially the bold?

Graduate2015:

No one is comparing anyone to anyone. I just mentioned that to indicate that even if u are not capable of doing chores, atleast be buying gadgets or be good in any other things. Time has gone when men only go to work. If he was single, won't he clean his plates or his room or even cook food, wash his clothes and pay his bills?
My dad cooks, wakes up at night to check up on us and when we were sick he was there at night with us.

In addition to his mental/health issues, you married a traditional man and he is living up to his end.

Unfortunately, you like a 'modern' man so your love languages are different.

If you are really serious that you prefer his help/presence to his gifts, then appreciate &reject them while telling him what you want.

You can't collect his Range Rover and start complaining he is not giving you what you want.

Woman.
You are just being too demanding.

You are a full time housewife, and yet you expect your husband to help with house chores?

Don't use your selfishness to ruin your marriage

Graduate2015:

Sorry this is going to be lengthy. I dont know how to shorten this.
I'm married for 16yrs but I cannot say that I have enjoyed my marriage. My husband is lovely when in a good mood but worst during his bad mood. His mood goes up and down but he thinks he doesn't have a problem. I think he has a bipolar and I've always mentioned to him that his behaviour seems like that but he never acknowledges it. Two yrs ago it got worse and we ended in couples therapy. During this period he revealed to me that while in the uni that he goes through period of sadness and the thing affected his grades anytime he experiences that mood during exam. I encouraged him to see a doctor and the doctor gave him antidepressant but he only used it for two weeks and stopped, saying he doesnt need that. But what he doesnt realise is that his period of sadness did not only happen in uni but its currently happening in his marriage. Our marriage is Iike a roller coaster. He finds problem but never suggests or initiate or even action solutions when suggested. He believes that every problem we have in our marriage is my fault ..
During his sad moments he eats unhealthy food, orders food everyday and says i make him sad and that i have caused him to gain weight. He suffers from diabetes and hypertension but he orders ice cream, chocolate smoothies during our silent period time. I've asked him for a separation but he refused. He calls me a wicked woman, that I make his life hell, that he will kill me one day. All this outburst just because u said something like can u clean up that plate u left in the sitting room(even though there was never a problem just before u ask). He uses visitors toilet but has never cleaned it. I have asked him several times not to use it. No other person at home uses it. Every morning I check and clean the toilet because he always leaves it unflushed.
He works almost everyday and provides for the family. I also work but since having our last child I only work on his day off which is once a week or twice because my son cannot stay in daycare due to his disability. He only goes to work, comes back, eat and watches tv. He detaches himself in family involvement while i run around with our children. He basically provides everything at home but he asks for my support when the need arises such as investments, I bring money for house or land deposits to support him or school fees. We have many houses. Our last duplex in Nigeria. He did foundation and stopped because he was building a house here. So I took over the building and finished he only continued from interior deco.
He doesn't help around the house, in short he messes it up and when I ask for it to be cleaned he gets really angry and can call me names. Because of my son's disability therapists comes to our house every day but he doesn't care if they meet his socks, belts and used plates in the sitting room because he leaves them there and rushes to work next day. He also doesn't delegate or ask our older kids to do any chores. He also doesn't involve in training them or in homework. He is a chronic porn addict and for the past few months he has stopped having sex with me. The last two we had in April I initiated it so I don't initiate anymore. He said anytime he ask for sex I always turn him down. But the fact is that he works everyday, sometimes nights. We.dont sleep in the same room because he snores and have sleep apnoe yet he is still not seeking any medical help. I end up staying awake the whole night if we sleep together not only does his snoring disturbs me but he also goes secs without breathing which scares me. He stays in the sitting room watching TV and comes to my room to demand sex around 4/5am which I can't do at that time. I suggested we watch TV in my room at night and have sex before sleep but he won't do it.
He also doesn't communicate his mind but end up using passive aggression to communicate. He gives silent treatment and I used to ask what was the problem as I sometimes don't even know what the problem was. Sometimes it's something I said which he could have told me off immediately. I dont ask what the problem is anymore because ive asked him to always communicate but still the same silent treatment. He can just burst into anger even with little issue. Right now I know he has some resentment and animosity towards me because of not being able to express his feelings. I buy everything in our house because he doesn't take charge or in control and always likes to be led. I think after all this yrs he is now feeling like he has lost control and i sense low self esteem even though his career is in the top highest paid job in the world. Our marriage has been like two weeks of good mood, then two weeks of silent treatment. He avoids discussing any problem and keep saying that there is no point discussing it because it will not bear any fruit that I will not change. Anything I dont do doesn't happen in our marriage. He takes responsibility of our car insurance but its not until I got into accident that I found out he hasn't paid our car insurance for a yr or two. Even our house didn't have house insurance since 2020 until i found out in April this year and immediately paid for it. He basically takes no responsibility for anything and its getting worse. It's like having a child but then u cant correct them because they can beat u up. I have a friend that her husband works all the time too but cleans their home on his day off. He also buys gadget like robotic cleaner to ease her suffering. I basically buy everything in my house. He doesn't have initiative except when investing in property, that's only place he takes leads, oh we should buy a house or land but this happens once a yr or more. It's not something you do everytime. He doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. I had to teach him when I was going away and this man damaged all his white designer clothes because he washed different colours together and also used cleaning bleach to wash clothes and my children kept saying how could he not know because they can use the machine.. I also pay for his clothes to be ironed. I don't know how he sees me as an evil person because he calls me that during quarrell.
His behaviour makes me so sad because we live overseas where is no help or family support. I'm always tired and he doesn't care. I stay awake at night with our son and he doesn't come out to help even with his cries he sleeps through it all. I don't think I can continue like this because he doesn't realise the problem. He thinks he helps around but I'm being ungrateful. I don't mind if he can own up and confess that he wants to be a traditional man but he will never confess but his actions tells me otherwise. His good part is that he gives me access to his money may be that's because I can use it to be running the house and remove that responsibility from him. He also buys me expensive things like range rover, gucci but my love language is not material stuff but hands on man because I believe I can afford that myself.

Plenty crazy people full this thread o.