CKC's Diary:The young pretty female doctor at FMC Asaba that diagnosed me of short fingernails!

"We don't have network and light"!a middle-aged woman bellowed at me as I poked my head close to the small sliding glass which served as opening for patients to communicate with the laboratory staff inside the enclosed small reception room of the laboratory department at Federal Medical Centre Asaba.

I had been the 3rd on the line of patients who had come to pick up their lab result tests and so it was irksome to hear such when it got to my turn.

FMC Asaba like most other FMCs in the country, is a place you shouldn't bother going to if you don't have the virtue of patience! I can tell you that most patients(especially the out- patients) abandon the process of getting treated when they get fed up with the whole process. The HMO-funded patients are mostly affected. You will bring your card to see a doctor and you first go to join a queue at Medical Records and get "clearance" as they call it. Then you now go back to join another queue at the NHIS desk office where you get a "code" to see a doctor. If the doctor refers you to do a test at the lab, then, you dash out and repeat the whole process with other impatient patients like you!

But I digress.

"Is this not light"? I pointed up to the ceiling at the shining white energy bulbs.

"There is no network"! the woman responded and stood up from her desk, leaving her computer system that was still on. She went to a corner of the office and sat down, chewing gum agressively as if her entire life depended on it. Sometimes I wonder why FMC Asaba opted for 100% online services when they were obviously not ready for it. 80% of the time, services are grounded,sometimes even for hours while waiting for "network". Nothing like manual back-up. If it took a year for network to comeback, everything would be at standstill at FMC Asaba.

Several minutes later, with exasperation eating me up, I was told by another lady who who had taken over the seat of the gum-chewing one, that I could go and see the doctor that referred me for the test. I requested for a copy of the test I did.
"We don't give copy of tests",the lady said. "Just go and see doctor. The doctor will see the test in the system".
All this online effizy FMC Asaba is forming shaa! I, a patient, don't have a right to see the result of a test carried out on me just because the result is "online". That's story for another day.

At the doctor's office, I met a very young and pretty female doctor consulting. The other doctor I was to see stopped seeing patients because her computer system stopped working...you see the same ish I was talking about.

" Good morning", I greeted the doctor.
"Good morning.Please sit,"she replied with a warm smile and took my hospital card. She began to type some things from my card into her computer system. I noticed the wedding ring on her finger as she typed. As young as she looked, I wasn't surprised she was already married. If you have a thing for young female doctors and nurses as I do, you would know that it's hard to see unmarried ones these days. Most are even "booked" for marriage as students or interns. They are hot cakes now...they have always been.

"So Mr.Igwe, what's the problem"? the doctor looked up from her system at me.
I began, "I was here some weeks ago and was referred for urinalysis test. I had been peeing more often than usual but with a consistent fasting blood sugar of between 75-78, high blood sugar was ruled out and the doctor I saw said it was probably the weather or drinking too much water. Also the renal, liver function tests, prostrate screening and urine culture tests all came out OK. Not convinced, I personally insisted to also have a urinalysis to rule out STIs even though the doctor said if I had one, I would have been feeling pains which I don't. The doctor however obliged me and the urinalysis is what I have come for you to see if everything is OK."

The doctor smiled and gave me the most astonishing and unexpected reply, "You bite your fingers".
Embarrassed and surprised, I wondered why this young pretty female doctor would leave the diagnosis I came for and be looking at me to the point of noticing that I bite my fingers that were far away from her. With the friendly smiles we were exchanging as we talked and the whole scenario panning out, I was sure we would have exchanged numbers and gotten acquainted if both of us were not married...all the signs and green light were there! I smiled and asked, "And what has that got to do with anything? Abeg how's the urinalysis result jooor"?
"You must tell me why you bite your fingers. Does your kids bite theirs too"?
"No. My kids dont. But I once caught my little daughter biting her finger and I was alarmed but since then she has never done it again.It's hereditary. Some of my siblings do and I think my dad too. I heard my paternal grandmom did too".
The doctor shook her head and continued, "Nothing like hereditary. All my years of training as a doctor, nobody told us that biting fingers is hereditary. It's just a bad habit."

"I know it's hereditary abeg," I insisted.

She and I went on arguing and arguing. I told her some attempts I had made in the past to grow my finger nails and how they seemed to be growing away from the skin without growing to a reasonable extent first. She suggested a manicure.I told her I don't regard mine as a habit because you never see me in public biting my fingers. At that point a nurse knocked and came in to tell the doctor something and left afterwards.

"Mr. Igwe. Your urinalysis results are very OK. Stop biting your fingers. Bye bye. Call the next patient", the doctor said, laughing.
"Go away jooor!" I responded, smiling. I left her office and as I was walking away, I noticed the hostile and impatient look on the faces of some patients outside the doctor's office, that had been sitting and waiting for me to come out. When you are inside a doctor's office you would never realize how much time you spent inside until the tide changes and you happen to be the one waiting for a patient inside to come out! Impatient patients!😁
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