SHE'S OLDER, HE'S YOUNGER. THEY ARE SO IN LOVE. WHAT DO THEY DO?

Guys, ladies, I really need your help on this topic. I've just been told a very sad story by a close male friend of mine who decided to confide in me when his mind just couldn't take it anymore. And i told him to give me some time to work on it, but i'm stumped too. So i've decided, with his permission, to bring this issue here hoping I could get some suggestions, so please let's hear them! It's all about a young guy dating an older woman. Bear with me, Seun, I know this topic must have been put on board before but this is kind of personally different.

Here's the story: the guy (who we'll call T) met a girl (let her be L) in the higher institution, and they both got hooked. Actually L actually was first to fall in love,and was the one who initiated the first moves,and actively encouraged T to do the official toasting (i.e asking the "will you go out with me" question)

Truth is "T" was just 18 years old, and a brilliant but naive year two student in the school, though in the same class with "L" , who looked young too.

Unfortunately they found out she was 23, four years his senior. They talked it over, but by then L was secretly falling in love, and she suggested and he agreed to give the relationship a chance and see what happens , with the agreement that it will end after they finish school, if they last the distance.

So they start a relationship, and according to Tunde, it was blazing! It just seemed the two were compatible in every sense of the word. Actually I knew about the relationship and I could sense the compatibility but I couldn't feel it the way Tunde did. His words:

"Everything was fantastic. We were in love, and we had a special camaraderie that made us more like brother and sister, best friends, husband and wife. You know what I mean? I became her confidant, her adviser, her lover, her friend who knew when she was sad, and how to pamper her and make her feel like a queen, my queen, who she admired for his brain power. Bros she respected me, and I mean respect, not looking at my age. She was an independent woman but she knew how to treat a man, without losing her respect. She could even understand when I was really angry and when I was pretending to be angry and usually played along to soothe my feelings, and vice versa. And did we have sex? No, but we made love. And Uchesco I swear our love making was was out of this world!"

They went out for 4 years, until they finished school and this is where the problem starts. She had fallen in love and didn't want to go, but T, decided to push her away, because he felt he should move on, so they went to serve in different states. But despite trying other relationships, he couldn't just let her be.

After their service year, they meet again, and behold, they rekindled the romance,this time secretly. However, both know that nothing could be done to finalise the relationship, and here's the dilemma.

What should T and L do? He's not fully ready for marriage, but she is (she's going to be 30). She loves him, and both find it difficult to fully commit to another person, (T says even though she has several suitors, she is still fond of talking to him about them so he'll help her choose!)

I'm thinking of telling him there's really no hope,and that he should free her to move on lest she continues waiting for him and then if he doesn't marry her she may eventually get bitter and want to ruin his wedding and maybe his life. These things have been known to happen, but how do you tell a guy and girl obviously in love that? And in a way, I still believe in[b] the power of love[/b].

Can love find a way? or is there really no hope? Please your contributions are welcome, and i hope to let T read them eventually.

Uchesco, this is a JAMB Question:
- She loves him, he loves her.
- She respects him as a man, he respects her as a woman.
- They both agree that they are compatible.
- She's 30, he's 26, so they are both old enough for marriage.
- She's a graduate, he's a graduate, so they can flow.

So what else is he looking for? Does your friend have any idea how hard it is to find a woman you can feel that way about? And he's ready to throw that away for no tangible reason? I think he needs twelve stokes of cane to wake him up. This idea of not being ready for marriage when a good woman is there is really annoying to me. What's your friend's problem?

The way i see it your friend is 26 and probably feels he is not yet comfortable financially to marry. If that is the case then I agree with him. Marriage goes beyond the 2 people involved. Once married kids would come in, and you need money to take care of them, there are also other cost associated with marriage which the man has to take care of. Marriage without sufficient funds could be very stressful even when the love is strong. There are 3 major components in a marriage Love, Sex and Money if any is missing the marriage could fail.

I understand why she feels the need to get married, she has reached that magic age (30) where babes start to panick. If your friend really loves this babe, he needs to lay his card on the table, tell her why he is not yet ready to marry. Together they can develop a plan after reviewing all the options available to them, if they decide to go ahead then they need to fix a date and work the plan.

Looking at the age difference issue again it is really not a big thing for the couples but how about their families how would they take it, I know yoruba families are against their son marrying an older babe, and most yoruba boys tend to do what their parents want.

Seun Family Planning ke.. Two things you missed.

The babe is 30, I don't think she would want to delay having her kids at this age (delay could be dangerous don't ask me why!)  secondly If 2 years after marriage they don't have a kid pressure and questions would start coming from both ends of the extended family, unless ofcourse the couples are not based in Nigeria. Otherwise my advice to couples just marrying is try and get the first kid as soon as possible after marriage and then do family planning after that not before. Some family planning drugs have side effects which may prevent pregnancy months after stopping.

i just believe as adults, they should be able to work things out and make nice plans. fear of unknown should not rule ur friend's life and his destinies. it's better to be happy with an older wife than to be unhappy (for life) with a very much younger wife. Age is just mere numbers. And you don't have to be super rich before you get married. but if you no sure bros, don't jam am o.

Uchesco pls tell your friend if he allows this opportunity to slip away he might not find it.
It will be like a treasure thrown into the ocean.

Mine is a little different from this. I was still in school (final year). i am from an average family. My father was a principal in one secondary school but this lady of mine came from a well to do family and she wanted us to get married after graduation so i declined because no hope of getting a job.
She promised her parents will do all we needed but I still declined then she moved on. What a caring lady she was. She is happily married today and she is a wife material, I've not yet seen a complete lady like her. Though we still chat on phone of i know her hus and he knows me.

Learn! learn!! You don't need millions to get married. Ask why I'm not married yet?
Definitely not because of money but the fear of getting who really loves you for who you are.
But if I hook one today, Nairaland party don dey sele be dat o o o.
The ball is in your friend's court. But my advice "Do not let her slip away.

CalabarMan great advice. uchesco i believe your friend should heed to calabarman's words of wisdom.

CalabarMan i'm begining to see u as a father figure when it comes to relationship. no worry when ever i get wahala na u i go first run to for advice .

Whatever you do, don't listen to CalabarMan on this issue! When it comes to sex, yes, but not about matters of the heart!

Some of you guys are preaching love/marriage without sufficient money eh , yawah go gas for una head o! I am not saying you have to be super rich before you marry but you need to have some basic things in place. There are 3 basic necessities of life Food, Clothing and Shelter a real man must be able to provide this for his family. You can not marry a wife and take her to your father or mother's house, In fact some of the new generation churches would not marry couples if the man does not have an apartment of his own. Once you rent an apartment you need to do some basic furnishing no be so?. If you are lucky the babe might be able to assist you but don't relly on that. Know that once a man starts sharing responsibilities he also shares control.

Now I think we are deviating from the purpose of this thread, the guy needs advice so lets give it to him, afterall the final decision is his, no be so?

oppurtunity once lost......................blah blah blah

Age is mere number. It is nothing because it is people that count.

What if a record of your age wasn't taken? I mean what if one's parents kicked the bucket before the babe was wise enough to take record?

So, age is not a determinant for marrige but love, sex and money are.

If you don't have money, don't marry, be a celibate.

For even though the love is there, when situation turns harsh, she may out of love remain calm but 'rapolling' with outsiders and that will make the man though enjoying what she brings home jealous.

Jealousy spells doom for the marriage.

uchesco u didnt specify if he has a job or not,cos i dont think their is way that marriage ll work without MrT not havin a sourceof income.

fine is easier said than done but the guy in question is not yet ready may be finacially or mature wise,if he can keep the lady till he gets a job fine cos frm all indications she is damn a wife material,but where yawa go gaz be sey after all he does get married to her then dat would be disastrous

well Greatpeter i agree with u cos their is no way he can take care of the lady without being finacially stable.love ur opinion cos "experience is the best teacher"

My advise to T is "Age is nothing but a number". I can understand the position of L who is approaching 30, so its not easy for women when they getg there. If he is not ready to get married because hes not ready is different, but let it not be the issue that she is 4 years older. Anyways, it is solely their decision and only they can sort it out together.

She's four years older and so what? Make dem marry abeg! ("please, let them get married".

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_east/4103828.stm

[From the article: "Hairdressing consultant Jude Littler, 30, originally from Anglesey, has married Liverpool's £14m French striker Djibril Cisse, 23, at Bodelwyddan Castle."]

hmmm Elders are talking, what can i say.

All i have to say is Marry her.

all your excuse = no reason why you shouldn't marry her
You love her, so marry her.

I am in full support that they both marry each other. Like a friend said," age is nothing; it's all a number."

Many thanks to everyone for their contributions...... It really helps put the issue in perspective.... ak=lthough i must point out it is easy for Djibril Cisse, and his older wife... they are based in the West, and He has LOADS OF MONEY!!!!

T on the other hand is not that rich, he has however just gotten a good job,with which he could use and settle down.This would still be delayed however by responsibilities(His siblings are in school and parents are somewhat retired, though he lives with them; thats the Nigerian extended family system thing ). Sorry for the wrong info, he is actually 25 while L is 29, and is still unemployed...The couple are Igbo, just like me

I took him up on the age thing,and he said his parents are not in favour of him marrying an older woman... (Thats expected) but i'm sure the issue is that he is still not ready for marriage, because of the lack of money, and basics mentioned by Calabarman and GreatPeter.......

So the question is , should he ask her to wait, knowing how crazy Nigeria is for any young guy trying to settle down, with all these responsibilities....

Pls more contributions are
REALLY welcome, Seun, i have sent the address to T and he says he will log in and find out.... Pls do lend a hand

U c h e s c o Wrote:, he is actually 25 while L is 29, and is still unemployed...I took him up on the age thing,and he said his parents are not in favour of him marrying an older woman... (Thats expected) but i'm sure the issue is that he is still not ready for marriage, because of the lack of money, and basics mentioned by Calabarman and GreatPeter.......

Seun I hope you have noted the reasons above. When young people talk about marriage they have this romantic notion that love solves all problems, in reality it doesn't, it strengthens the relationship quite alright but other basic things could tear it apart if not taken into consideration.

I have lots of married friends and colleagues who converted their GirlFriends to Wife without managing the transition process properly some are having real serious problems now and cann't imagine how a very loving and caring babe has now become a very demanding and unreasonable person. When they were dating the guys were spalshing money around and giving the impression that they were loaded, now married the spare cash has dwindled as cost has gone up. I have often told them that a simple solution is to sit down with their wife open up their payslip and do a cash flow analysis, let her know how much you are earning and how the money is being spent and what spare cash is available for other projects. Once you bring her into the planning process she would automatically mellow down  and would even assist them in cutting cost in certain areas. Some have taken my advice others have skeleton in their cupboards (girlfriends/concubines) and can't do this.

If we are to be objective. He has a promising job and the future is bright, what else does he want? And for crying out loud, are u saying its only till u are as loaded as Djibrill Cisse that you will marry?

I have a few friends who are really rich with very good jobs and there major problem is that, they say they are not sure if the girls around them would be with them if not for the money. So what do you prefer? A lady who has stood by you when u were jumping molue? Or a lady who just wants your money?

All this are just excuses and they can be worked around. If I had been in his shoes, I wouldnt have told my parents her age. So they see it when signing the wedding certificate? By then its too late to do anything.

Parents have a right to be worried, but like I tell my Dad, you did a good job raising me, please try and respect my opinion. If you think am making a mistake, then let melearn from it. That is what makes me a man you'd be proud of.

The bobo wants to eat his cake and have it. Wives dont grow on trees.The wrong woman in your house will make it too hot for you.

I don't know how to emphasis this further but yes money is not everything but money is important. I would not let my daughter marry a man who does not have enough money to cater for their basic needs, definitely not to a man still staying with his parents.

It is difficult to know if a babe really likes you for you, once you are very comfortable, I used to have that problem before, since I didn't start dating until I got a well paying job. But I discarded that concept long ago, afterall who likes to suffer, be honest to yourself and try to place your self in a woman's shoes, as much as the babe might be attracted to you because of the effects you have, as a result of your money, it doesn't mean she can not genuinely love you, afterall you were also attracted to her because of her beauty so how does she also ascertain that your love is genuine. Study the babe carefully and with time you would know whether the love is genuine or not.

A colleague of mine once tested his babe, he was seriously considering marrying her, so he took his entire leave of 6 weeks, didn't travel anywhere but stayed at home buying newspaper and applying for jobs. When the babe asked what the problem was and why he wasn't going to work anymore he said he had been retrenched and was looking for another job. Within a short time he parked his car, stopped his DSTV subscription, stopped running his Gen and started cutting down on his expenses saying he was trying to conserve his last cash until he secures another job. Well the suffering was getting too much for the babe so every little opportunity she would start a quarrel until eventually she packed her things and dumped the guy. Much later when she discovered that the guy hadn't lost his job she tried comming back, for where the bobo no gree..

By the powers invested in me, I hereby dub thee Sir Calabarman the

Jist master extraordinaire of Nairaland

No situation wey u no get jist for but seriously, that is the wahala there. That kind of babe is not ready to give u and encourragement when it goes tough. Na just to pack her stuff and leave. See them eyes, oju kongba, na soso to chop money dem sabi..

We no go see lady to talk about this one oh!!!

Whao, this is not something you can just talk anyhow. Well, I’ld say that since T’s parents know about the age thing, it’s a bit difficult but I would strongly advise that T and L sit down and talk it over. Like so many have already said, the final decision solely lies on their shoulders.

If T knows he’s not ready for marriage coz of some good reasons to him, then I don’t think he should go ahead just to please L. if not, why not go ahead.

If L if comfortable with the age thing, which I believe she is from what Uchesco has told us since they dated for 4 yrs and she also respects him, it’s okay but she should be sure not use the fact that she is older or from a wealthier him to lord it over T in future. It is actually ladies who have problem most with this age thing so if she’s okay with it, why not.

I’ld like to say here that no man should tell any lady to wait and bank on that bcoz you and I don’t know what tomorrow holds. Someone else might come and take her away, or you might even say that she’s no longer in vogue.

Once again, I suggest that the two of them sit down and have a serious talk on this.
If they both believe in God, why not take it to God in prayers, He would surely make crooked path straight.

Calabar Man- Na you biko
Owelle of Nairaland
Baapitan Extraordinaire
Ibaa!

CalabarMan:

A colleague of mine once tested his babe, he was seriously considering marrying her, so he took his entire leave of 6 weeks, didn't travel anywhere but stayed at home buying newspaper and applying for jobs. When the babe asked what the problem was and why he wasn't going to work anymore he said he had been retrenched and was looking for another job. Within a short time he parked his car, stopped his DSTV subscription, stopped running his Gen and started cutting down on his expenses saying he was trying to conserve his last cash until he secures another job. Well the suffering was getting too much for the babe so every little opportunity she would start a quarrel until eventually she packed her things and dumped the guy. Much later when she discovered that the guy hadn't lost his job she tried comming back, for where the bobo no gree..

That's a very good (ultimate) test, I think I'll try it when i decide to get married..

Demmmm!
girls are something else!

Are you sure you will get married to any woman if you use that type of test?

You're indirectly trying to tell us that all women will fail the test abi?

i get u my brother

My lips are sealed. I did not say anything. Forgive us our trespasses!

Hi all
Just thot i should send an update on whats been hapening on the above story....

Well, T finally decided to ask L to marry him... as he believed life will not be complete without her.... but he asked her if she could wait for him for the next 2 years, to enable him clear off some family responsibilities and also get himself financially ready for marriage.....Suprisingly SHE refused!!

According to her, while she loves him and is ready to marry him, she didn't want to commit herself to him... AND wait for two years, not knowing if he'll meet any fine young woman and abandon her, while she chases away potential suitors.... She has instead suggested that they leave it to God and if they are both still single after 2 years.... then who knows......

To T, this is making him believe that she doesn't trust his love for her.... and he is still confused... After much thought (and several heated arguments!!), he has decided to follow her suggestion... but just wants to thank everyone for their help... and still ask for any piece of advice the elders may have...

hmmm! what a story. well, leave it to God is very good but will God come down and decide for them? i'm sure He's leading them even now. the question is, will they understand His leading?
i think its a wise decision, they've reached. L is only trying to protect herself because she knows deep down inside her that T needed to be so soooo sure and then sure again. let them use this coming two years as a final test, to really experience how life would be without the other.
i personally think it will work out cos i believe in the power of love and somehow i feel their love is strong enough. they are meant to be.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm, age dont really matter, since love, respect and trust is there i kw of Rev. Pastor dat marry a woman 6years older then him and they are happy.

Age doesn't have anything to do with love. If he really loves her, then he should get married to her.