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Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . - Jokes Etc - Nairaland

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Men Vs Women / Gender War Jokes (Men vs. Women) / Nigerian Jokes (2) (3) (4)

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Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 11:08pm On Jan 23, 2012
Men's thoughts vs women thoughts! grin

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 9:24am On Jan 24, 2012
GET LUCKY WITH WIFE - POINT SYSTEM (You will appreciate it a lot if you are married) grin

SIMPLE DUTIES


- You make the bed (+1)
- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
- In the rain (+cool
- But return with Beer (-5)
- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
- It's her pet (-10)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy (-2)
- Named Tina (-4)
- Tina is a dancer (-10)


HER BIRTHDAY

- You take her out to dinner (0)
- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
- And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)
- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite football club (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

- You take her to a movie (+2)
- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
- It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE


- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
- You hesitate in responding (-10)
- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
- Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

1 Like

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 9:43am On Jan 24, 2012
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp, "


Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of ice tea and start gargling with it, Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with ice tea and he never touched me.

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?" tongue

2 Likes

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 10:14am On Jan 24, 2012
hahahahaha,
the last joke was one hell of a funny one !!
Hohohohohehehihii!!
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by dani1luv: 10:23am On Jan 24, 2012
lmao@ Last joke, hahahehohehaho
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mustspin: 10:30am On Jan 24, 2012
i laugh in ezenwata grin grin grin grin grin grin grin
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 11:36am On Jan 24, 2012
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.


She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!, the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember, fairies are female too. . . grin

2 Likes

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by angelz(f): 12:00pm On Jan 24, 2012
with this joke. grlz are actually d ones smillin.
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 1:55pm On Jan 24, 2012
^^
cheesy
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 2:11pm On Jan 24, 2012
Difference in 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years

*Dating process:*

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?


*Back from Work:*


6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : (to his son)What did your mom cook for us today?


*Gifts:*
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money and buy yourself something.

*Phone Ringing:*
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : DAMM PICK UP THE PHONE!

*Cooking:*

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN?

*Apology:*
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, I'll never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said?

*New Dress:*
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again??
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

*Planning for Vacations:*
6 weeks : How does 2 weeks in paris or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a ship?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home

*TV:*
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch SPORTS CHANNEL, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 2:33pm On Jan 24, 2012
huhuhuhuhohohohahahahahahehehe,
nice one there Sexkillz. You are one hell of a funny guy!
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 2:37pm On Jan 24, 2012
^^^
The Jokes arent all mine. . . Just sharing with those with a sense of humor like you! smiley
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by freecocoa(f): 2:45pm On Jan 24, 2012
Killz you sef don reach here? Nice jokes. grin
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 2:51pm On Jan 24, 2012
^^^
You sef don show? grin grin

No be small #OccupyNairaland o grin
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 3:04pm On Jan 24, 2012
Sexkillz na you sabi!
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by freecocoa(f): 3:09pm On Jan 24, 2012
sexkillz:

^^^
You sef don show? grin grin

No be small #OccupyNairaland o grin

I dey tell you. grin
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 4:04pm On Jan 24, 2012
Where is the joke?
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 7:51pm On Jan 24, 2012
^^^
The joke is in your fake weave. . .
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Jenifa1: 7:56pm On Jan 24, 2012
hahah hilarious thread grin grin grin grin
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 8:01pm On Jan 24, 2012
Chuckles.
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by virunga: 8:02pm On Jan 24, 2012
lol men afraid killed by his wife while decide to buy  grin
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 8:09pm On Jan 24, 2012
Dear Dad,

$[/b]chool i[b]$ really great. I am making lot[b]$ [/b]of friend[b]$[/b] and $[/b]tudying very hard.

With all my [b]$[/b]tuff, I [b]$[/b]imply can't think of anything I need, [b]$[/b]o if you would like, you can ju[b]$[/b]t [b]$[/b]end me a card, a[b]$
I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your [b]$[/b]on.

---

Dear Son,

I k[b]NO[/b]w that astro[b]NO[/b]my, eco[b]NO[/b]mics, and ocea[b]NO[/b]graphy are e[b]NO[/b]ugh to keep even an ho[b]NO[/b]r student busy. Do [b]NO[/b]t forget that the pursuit of k[b]NO[/b]wledge is a [b]NO[/b]ble task, and you can never study e[b]NO[/b]ugh.

Love,

Dad

grin grin grin
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 8:11pm On Jan 24, 2012
^Now that's quite funny. cheesy
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 8:18pm On Jan 24, 2012
Love, Lust and Marriage. . . grin

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath  tongue

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two  
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"  
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . Take away!

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet  lipsrsealed

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What the hell is sex?  

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Disney World with the kids

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenage daughter has borrowed all of your jackets  grin

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Love: Your eyes meet across a crowded room
Lust: Your tongues meet across a crowded room
Marriage: Your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care  grin

Love: You're interested in everything your partner does
Lust: You're only interested in one thing
Marriage: You're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is Making money
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 8:34pm On Jan 24, 2012
ARareGem:

^Now that's quite funny. cheesy
cheesy
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 7:30am On Jan 25, 2012
Are you the weakest link?

Below are three questions. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time. Answer all of them immediately and
then quickly scroll down to check your responses.


Ready? Let's find out just how clever you really are. cheesy


Scroll down for the first question,












First Question: You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person. What position are you in?













Answer:
If you answer that you are first, then you are wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Scroll down,














Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are, ?














Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?! grin
You're not very good at this are you? tongue















Third Question: Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total?
















Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses most peoples brains, which always jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's). tongue tongue

2 Likes

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 8:01am On Jan 25, 2012
nice ones sexkillz,
i go scratch you mtn cards now now now i said now now im doing it now now now yes of course i said now now now now now!!
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 8:16am On Jan 25, 2012
^^^
I use Glo too if you dont mind! cheesy
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 8:29am On Jan 25, 2012
ok noted then.
What about Etisalat and Starcomms?
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 8:33am On Jan 25, 2012
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"  


"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.00, but it would be very painful"

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time if instead of using my normal surgical procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers. I could get away with charging $20.00"

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.00"

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" tongue tongue
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 8:46am On Jan 25, 2012
The Black Eye

Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep On the same bed. 

Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye."  embarassed

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer". The following morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.

But the day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye on both of his eyes. "My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?" He tells her: "Ma'am, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?,  and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving {you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed",  Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said *"Wait for me"* embarassed embarassed cry
Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by nellycul28(m): 8:55am On Jan 25, 2012
menhh, a prof like me cudnt even answer one question,

sexkillz, ,am ur big fan now

lovely thread,

chaiii!!na here d joke come hide since, !!

grin

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