Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . - Jokes Etc (3)

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Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . - Jokes Etc (3) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . (22307 Views)

Men Vs Women / Gender War Jokes (Men vs. Women) / Nigerian Jokes (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 11:11pm On Jan 26, 2012

It's like you're hoping there would be.

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Mikael4(m): 11:14pm On Jan 26, 2012

Keeping my fingers crossed!

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 11:30pm On Jan 26, 2012

May your fingers remain glued like that forever! Amen!!!

How many ID's do you have? undecided

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 11:53pm On Jan 26, 2012

Araregem

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 11:55pm On Jan 26, 2012

Mikuz

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 12:35am On Jan 27, 2012

Araregem I cant stop dreaming about you!

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Mikael4(m): 7:42am On Jan 27, 2012

ARareGem:

May your fingers remain glued like that forever! Amen!!!

How many ID's do you have?

I have enough for the rainy day! I was banned unnecessarily!

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by MrResource(m): 5:40am On Jan 28, 2012

sexkillz:

Tom and Eggs

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?, and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my asss is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Mikael4(m): 10:03am On Jan 28, 2012

An Italian Man Visits New York

**[read with an Italian accent] **

One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h.
I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fork. I tell'a her I wanna fork. She tell'a me everyone wanna fork. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fork on the table. She say better not Bleep on the table, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheets on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheet. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on'a my bed. He say you better not sheet on'a bed, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h. undecided

I gonna go back to Italy. cool

1 Like

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Mikael4(m): 11:15am On Jan 28, 2012

Lipstick Problem

According to a report, a middle school was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled sponge, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors. grin

2 Likes

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 11:46am On Jan 28, 2012

lol, just imagine it! grin

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Mikael4(m): 12:35pm On Jan 28, 2012

^^^
If na you nko? You go gree kiss mirror again? grin

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Mikael4(m): 12:40pm On Jan 28, 2012

Damn dog

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. He wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?" "

Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "Damn I hope you SHOT that lying dog!" shocked

"I sure did, Dad!" grin

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 1:34pm On Jan 28, 2012

Keen Observation

A young boy had just gotten his Driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use Of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

"To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" grin

1 Like

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by chiegwu(m): 3:21pm On Jan 28, 2012

Little April was not the best student in
Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she
was napping, "Tell me, April, who created
the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy
seated in the chair behind her, took a pin
and jabbed her in the ass. "GOD ALMIGHTY!"
shouted April and the teacher said, "Very
good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is
our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even
stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny
came to the rescue and stuck her again.
'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the
teacher said, "very good," and April fell back
to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third
question. "What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?" And again,
Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time
April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK
THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME,
I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR
ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:31pm On Jan 29, 2012

Cunning

A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.
It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in.
This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house. He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within:
"Who is it?"
The man leaned on the door and said tenderly:
"I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."
Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.
"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you bastard?," the woman roared.
The man slouched towards her and murmured: "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?"

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 10:55pm On Jan 29, 2012

Hehe! nice!!!

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 8:07am On Jan 30, 2012

~Mikael~:

An Italian Man Visits New York

**[read with an Italian accent] **

One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h.
I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fork. I tell'a her I wanna fork. She tell'a me everyone wanna fork. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fork on the table. She say better not bleep on the table, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheets on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheet. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on'a my bed. He say you better not sheet on'a bed, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bit[i]c[/i]h.

I gonna go back to Italy.

Awww, poor guy. cheesy

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by nellycul28(m): 9:57am On Jan 30, 2012

wtf, dis thread is d bestest, killz ride on, me likey,

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 4:51pm On Jan 30, 2012

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 5:32pm On Jan 30, 2012

10 thing's men know about women
grin

1 = They are beautiful.

2 = They are cute.

3=

4=

5=

6=

7=

8=

9=

10 = They are sexy.

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 5:52pm On Jan 30, 2012

Apples

A young girl sees her grandfather in the shower and asks him, "What are those between your legs?"

"Those are the apples of the tree of life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

Impressed, the girl then tells this to her grandmother, who replies, "Did he mention anything about that dead branch they're hanging from?"

1 Like

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:36pm On Jan 30, 2012

"Get this," said a guy to his friend, "last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything," his friend asked?

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. . . My wife thought it was me coming home drunk again." grin

1 Like

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:18am On Jan 31, 2012

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.
I said "WHAT?

"
So she says the words every husband on the planet dreads to hear, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."

I am thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a Marshall Field's store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different and very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes, I said "let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went to the jewelry department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK.

She was almost sex[i]u[/i]ally excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff right now." You should have seen her face, It went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while" . And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." tongue

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:26am On Jan 31, 2012

Racecar Driver

The racecar driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my t[i]i[/i]ts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish'."

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open'?" angry

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 10:14am On Jan 31, 2012

nice jokes, killz!

Grade: A++

Comment: Best jokes yet

Prize:

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 11:03am On Jan 31, 2012

otooro:

nice jokes, killz!

Grade: A++

Comment: Best jokes yet

Prize:

Thanks Man! BTW, how do you customize those smileys? Could you be of help?

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 11:06am On Jan 31, 2012

A young couple took their five-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small p[i]e[/i]nis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed.

"For me?"

"Just take two,"

his mother replied. "The rest are for your father." undecided

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Nobody: 11:24am On Jan 31, 2012

^^^

where on earth do you get these jokes!

for the smileys, check:

http://smileys.on-my-web.com/

and

http://www.freesmileys.org/custom/

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by hotelsindu: 11:54am On Jan 31, 2012

These are really funny jokes. thanks for the shared.

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 2:37pm On Jan 31, 2012

Araregem

Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by mikuz(m): 2:38pm On Jan 31, 2012

Araregem

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