Martian:


The only "intelligent(lol) people" that I look "senseless" to are christians. The intelligent people who think a talking snake gave a woman a fruit and caused "the downfall" of mankind. The same intelligent people who think a 600 year old man built a floating zoo that housed every single species on earth. The same intelligent people who think languages came about because mankind tried to build a tower tall enough to visit god in the sky (I wonder what god thinks of the International Space Station). The same intelligent people who think this god sent himself to a remote corner of the middle east 2000+ years ago in order to have himself killed, so he can forgive everyone for the talking snake episode. The black people in this intelligent group didn't even get the good news about this self sacrifice until some other humans from another continent (not the middle east) brought the story to them, then enslaved them while quoting the good book. But now these intelligent black people are like the mourners crying louder than the bereaved when it comes to this god issue. The intelligent people who think seven headed dragons can dump a whole galaxy of stars into the Pacific Ocean. Those intelligent people.

Maybe all the things I just wrote about the bible are symbolic. But they could be literal. They could also be absolute bullsh#t. It's all relative man.

Got it! You're a Scumbag. That's not suprising though because you already refer to yourself as a "Pastor". Pastor is a synonym for scumbag. lol

Keep up the good work Martian. You've been doing a great job on Nairaland for some years. I've been following the religious thread since 2006 and seen how your objective contribution have brought alot of change to religiously blind Nigerians. Keep up the good work!

THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS SO PAY ATTENTION.
TWO WOMEN GO TO THE TOMB OF JESUS AT DAWN ON THE 1ST DAY OF THE WEEK (SHOULDN'T THAT BE TWO DAYS THEN)
THEN ONE ANGEL CAME DOWN ROLLED AWAY THE TOMBSTONE AND SAT ON IT.
THE ANGEL TELLS THE WOMAN TO GO TO GALILEE TO MEET JESUS.
JESUS HIMSELF MEETS THEM,
HE MEETS THE DISCIPLES.
HE ASCENDS
CONCLUSION
AT DEATH OF JESUS THERE WAS AM EARTHQUAKE A MASS OF ZOMBIES AND AN ECLIPSE AND YET NO HISTORIAN SAW FIT TO WRITE IT DOWN.
JESUS COMES WHY NOT GO TO JERUSALEM AND STU AROUND HMM?BACK AND APPEARS TO HIS CLOSEST FRIEND WHY?

MARK AND LUKE ARE MOSTLY THE SAME WITH SOME DIFFERENCES.
LUKE:BIRTH
CAESAR AUGUSTUS IS RULER OF ROME
QUIRINUS IS GOVERNOR SEPARATED FROM HEROD BY TEN YEARS.

SO THE BIG C SAYS EVERYONE SHOULD BE REGISTERED SO JOSEPH AND MARY (WHO LIVED IN NAZARETH) WENT UP TO BETHHLEHEM.
ANGELS SANG TO SHEPHERDS WHO CAME TO MEET JESUS.
JESUS WENT TO THE TEMPLE EIGHT DAYS LATER(WHHAT HAPPENED TO EGYPT)
LUKE RESURRECTION
ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE WEEK, MANY WOMEN WENT TO JESUS TOMB AND FOUND IT ROLLED AWAY.
THEN TWO SHINY MEN POPPED UP AND SAID BOO!
THE WOMEN RAN AWAY TO THE DISCIPLES.
JESUS APPEARS TO THEM. HE ASCENDS YADDAYADDA BLAH BLAH.

2good:

Keep up the good work  Martian. You've been doing a great job on Nairaland for some years. I've been following the religious thread since 2006 and seen how your objective contribution have brought alot of change to religiously blind Nigerians. Keep up the good work!

a reduction of the numbers of religious blacks in the diaspora is needed. Badly needed. Religion, ignorance and dysfunctional societies go hand in hand. Just pick 5 predominantly black countries and judge for yourself.

Martian:

a reduction of the numbers of religious blacks in the diaspora is needed. Badly needed. Religion, ignorance and dysfunctional societies go hand in hand. Just pick 5 predominantly black countries and judge for yourself.

It is very myopic to imagine that religion either alone or even predominantly accounts for the arrested development of the black peoples of the world. A far more obvious factor that accounts for this is environment and climate. -

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-570326.192.html#msg7428496

There are still other factors - and certainly a mind ready to thoroughly address the said factors from a schorlarly point of view would not place religion anywhere near the top of the list of the relevant factors. Indeed the advanced societies you adore today went through (and many are still going through) thousands of years of deep and even fanatical religiousity. Societies such as Japan for example will remain deeply rooted in their shinto up till tomorrow: and this does nothing to stop or obviate their giant strides in the intellectual, philosphical and technological realms. In my view it therefore emerges as rather lazy and a tad intellectually shallow to focus on and insist on religion as the central factor in this very complex maze of factors for the retardation of development.

First off, I'm skipping the whole "how
were plants created before light/
photosynthesis, how was light created
before the sun, contradictions of which
was created first" word games. Those
take up too much time and words and
pie.
1:16 "And God made two great lights;
the greater light to rule the day, and
the lesser light to rule the night: he
made the stars also."
-The moon is not a light, it is a reflection
of the sun's light. This is the first of many
examples that suggest that God's
omnipotence seems to be limited to the
knowledge of the demographics and time
period of when the Bible was written.
Strange.
1:26 "And God said, Let us make man in
our image, after our likeness"
-Our? Just how many gods are there?
2:2 "And on the seventh day God ended
his work which he had made; and he
rested on the seventh day from all his
work which he had made."
-even though they say that God only
"rested" to set an example of how would
should rest on the 7th day, couldn't the
Bible just say "rest on Sunday" ??
(question mark)? It clearly says God
rested, which means that this all-powerful
being was worn out from all those valleys
and hills and Wyoming and platypuses.
The Garden and the Tree of Knowledge
of Good and Evil
-Sooooo... God takes these 2 newly
formed, ignorant to life humans, puts
them in a garden with a tree bearing
food, nonchalantly goes "don't eat from
it" ... then leaves... to go make Venus, I
guess. And you know the rest.
So... WHY did he put them near the tree?
WHY did he have that which he didn't
want humans to attain be edible and
tempting? WHY did he leave? WHY did he
allow Satan the Snake to be in the garden,
knowing full well that he would tempt
them? Why did God design these 2
humans to be susceptible to temptation?
Then God comes strolling by (3:8
"walking in the garden in the cool of the
day" at the PRECISE moment after they
eat the fruit and goes "whoa whoa,
what's going on here?" (I'm
paraphrasing, of course)
It's like having a 2 year old child and
going "Now son, I'm going to leave these
delicious chocolate chip cookies sitting
right here within reach of you. I'm going
to the store to buy some Funyuns. Don't
eat them. Bye!" When any caring parent
would remove temptation, knowing that
the child doesn't know any better.
So it's quite obvious to me that God
WANTED man to F up royally. God created
man with the sole purpose of imposing
"original sin" upon him, so that he may
feel guilty and grovel and ask forgiveness
for something that wasn't his fault for all
eternity.
That child who ate the cookies is now 40
and the parent is still bringing it up daily.
"I don't care if you saved an orphanage
from burning down today... remember
when I told you not to eat those cookies
and you did?"
Cain slays Abel and is "cast out"
arbitrarily from one remote location of
this empty world to another random
remote location. Then he worries that
"every one that findeth me shall slay
me."
-This is a strange worry since he is 1 of 3
people in existence. Then he sleeps with
his wife to start the incestual chain of
humanity... but where did his wife come
from?
6:4 "There were giants in the earth in
those days"
-I'm assuming these are literal giants and
not "intellectual giants" or some modern
term.
Then the Lord decides that all humanity
is corrupt and needs to be massacred
via flood.
-One... why the need for an elaborate
flood? Why not just use your God powers
and make every one not exist? You can
only create from nothing, not turn into
nothing? Two, were we not already told
that men were made in His image? So
either God is evil and corrupt, which is
why we turned out like we did before
and after the flood... or he is incapable of
creating things how he wants. God is a
flawed designer.
Maybe that's why he doesn't show his
face anymore. He tried once, messed up
and started over. Then he was like "whoa
hold on, hold on. No, stop making more
people. Wait, why did you kill that guy?
Stop fucking! There's too many of you
already! You know what!? Bleep this, I'm
out!"
Then there's the Ark which I won't
discuss do to redundancy. There are
thousands of videos mocking this
obvious nonsensical fairy tale already. The
average thinker explaining the flaws of
Noah and his ark is analogous to a world
renowned chemist giving a lecture on the
validity of alchemy.
Then Noah (the only righteous man in
the world) gets hammered on wine and
passes out naked.
Then the humans build an impressive
tower and God (completely caught off
guard) confuses them by making them
speak multiple languages because their
tower was more impressive than the
one he made in shop class.
Many pages of slaves and servitude and
historical inaccuracies and more incest
18:9 "And God said unto him, 'Where is
Sarah thy wife?'" You're omnipotent,
God. Quit messing with me. And stop
asking about my wife, perv.
Lot offers his virgin daughters to a mob
of rapists to appease their lust for the
sexually attractive angels
God burns Sodom and Gomorrah to the
ground, including all those "evil"
children and newborn babies.
God turns Lot's wife in a pillar of salt
just for kicks and giggles. Why exactly
was it so wrong to look back at a village
being assaulted by fire raining from the
sky? If no one was supposed to look,
perhaps God could've made the
destruction a little more subtle.
Lot's daughters got their father drunk,
then raped him." Yeah, I've been really
drunk before, even drunk, high, and on
acid at the same time. And not once
during that time would I have
"mistakenly" slept with my family
members. Especially since they lived in a
cave, separate from anyone that could
have been confused for a bar skank.
21:1 "And the LORD visited Sarah as he
had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah
as he had spoken. For Sarah
conceived..."
-God made a booty call
For some reason, God takes human
form and wrestles Jacob. He is losing so
he cheats and gropes Jacob's inner
thigh.
Various pages discerning which parts of
the penis to chop off.
Onan is murdered by God for spooging
on the ground instead of impregnating
his brother's wife.
A 7000 page story about Joseph being
thought dead, but actually not.
INTERMISSION
For those of you that read this far... Bravo,
you bored and dedicated souls. Obviously
all the books aren't as interesting or
important as Genesis, and will be skipped
over (I'm looking at you Psalms).
Now I continue on with Exodus. Ahem...

@ea7,
Am enjoying the gist aaaaaaaall the way

dekung: @ea7,
Am enjoying the gist aaaaaaaall the way

I am definitly not blushing. The last post wasnt mine though it was from another site, i'll post my take later.

Exodus
Baby Moses constructs a mini sailboat
out of Legos and reenacts Huckleberry
Finn minus the black guy until he
discovers the underwater city of
Rapture, where he then must alter his
genetics through plasmids in an
attempt to destroy Big Daddy.
-More or less, this is exactly what
happened.
2:24 "And God heard their groaning,
and God remembered his covenant with
Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob."
-God "took notice" and "remembered his
covenant" ... meaning that God can be
distracted and forgetful. He looked up
from the Lakers game and went "oh shit,
the covenant. My bad, I forgot."
God appears to Moses as a burning bush
-Why? So far God has shown himself
physically to Adam and Eve, then
manifested himself as a professional
wrestler with Jacob, and now this? Seems
like God is slowly getting lazier. "Ah
whatever, a bush will do, now where's
my omnipotent Zippo?"
4:3 And he said, Cast it on the ground.
And he cast it on the ground, and it
became a serpent; and Moses fled from
before it.
4:4 And the LORD said unto Moses, Put
forth thine hand, and take it by the tail.
And he put forth his hand, and caught it,
and it became a rod in his hand:
4:6 And the LORD said furthermore unto
him, Put now thine hand into thy
bosom. And he put his hand into his
bosom: and when he took it out,
behold, his hand was leprous as snow.
4:7 And he said, Put thine hand into thy
bosom again. And he put his hand into
his bosom again; and plucked it out of
his bosom, and, behold, it was turned
again as his other flesh.
-So Moses takes his rod/serpent and his
stinkfist magic trick that he got from a
bush and sets off to gather up his posse.
4:25 Then Zipporah took a sharp stone,
and cut off the foreskin of her son, and
cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a
bloody husband art thou to me.
-Moses' wife goes all Lorena Bobbitt on
his ass.
6:3 "And I appeared unto Abraham,
unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the
name of God Almighty, but by my name
JEHOVAH was I not known to them."
-First instance where God mentions his
name. If he had gone with Brent or Todd,
it probably wouldn't have been received
as well.
7:5 "And the Egyptians shall know that I
am the LORD"
-Prideful, vengeful dick much?
Moses engages the Pharaoh's
magicians in a epic sorcery battle. Much
like a modern day Chris Angel vs David
Blaine showdown.
Moses did the snake trick, the
magicians did the snake trick. Moses hit
em with bloody rivers and the
magicians did likewise. Moses frogged
their asses and the magicians frogged
him right back. Moses cast Affliction of
Lice +4 and the magicians tried to
duplicate but were lacking the proper
Tier 9 gear set from the epic dungeon
final boss loot.
-Which was strange, considering the time
frame, you would think that everyone
would have already had lice.
Then Moses gives em flies, dead cattle,
and boils.
9:14 "For I will at this time send all my
plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy
servants, and upon thy people; that
thou may know that there is none like
me in all the earth."
-God being a prick again
9:23 "And Moses stretched forth his rod
toward heaven: and the LORD sent
thunder and hail."
-Really God? A natural weather
occurrence? We're all so very impressed.
[Image: mage.jpg]
The hail killed the cattle for a 2nd time.
And the Pharaoh, apparently the
hardest man in the world to convince,
changed his mind again after the hail
stopped.
So Moses makes it dark and has a locust
rave party. Every time Moses asks the
Pharaoh to let his people go, the Lord
intervenes and "hardens the Pharaoh's
heart so that he would not let them
go."
-The Lord is using the Pharaoh as his
puppet so that he may continuously
torture people and put on a display of
power.
12:12 "For I will pass through the land
of Egypt this night, and will smite all the
firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man
and beast; and against all the gods of
Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the
LORD."
-God kills innocent babies and asks
Moses' people to smear blood on their
door frames, so that the Lord, in his
genocidal rampage, doesn't accidentally
kill the wrong children. I mean... we're a
chapter and a half into this book and I
already don't want to worship this God
character.
-God also kills the cattle for a 3rd time. But
he probably resurrected them to kill them
again because as he so proudly states, I
am the friggin LORD!!
After his slaughter, God goes on to
make arbitrary rules about the
Passover holiday he just created in
celebration of himself (ummm... you
shall only eat unleavened bread. So
help me, if I find leaven in your house...)
.
12:45 "A foreigner and a hired servant
shall not eat thereof... for no
uncircumcised person shall eat
thereof."
-In Sweet 16 fashion, the Lord states that
no immigrants, blacks, or Jews can come
to his party.
13:17 "And it came to pass, when
Pharaoh had let the people go, that God
led them not through the way of the
land of the Philistines"
-"Land of the Philistines" is quite a
strange term to be mentioned hundreds
of years before the Philistines even settled
in Canaan... Bible alteration much?
Then the Pharaoh emptied out Egypt's
army to chase after these refugees who
seemed to mean more to him than the
million he already ruled over. But God,
taking the form of half-cloud/half-fire,
parted the sea, knocked off the
Egyptian's chariot wheels, and drown
them all.
-Once again, for an all-powerful being this
seems rather elaborate and unnecessary.
Why not just make the Pharaoh not chase
after them, the way you mind controlled
him earlier? Or just block their path? Must
you satisfy your urge to kill again?
15:3 "The LORD is a man of war: the
LORD is his name."
-Very useful reference when discussing
how christianity is a religion of
"peace" ...along with the millions of
people he kills in the next cities
Moses and his people wander around
lost in the desert for 40 years,
complaining the whole time
God slaughters the Amalekites... but
only as long as Moses keeps his hand
raised.
-Huh?
Moses goes "I'm going up this magic
mountain to my secret meeting with
God... oh and if anyone follows me,
you'll die." Then he presents them with
the 10 Commandments, which I'll not
go into since many brilliant people have
already ripped them apart (Carlin, Penn
and Teller, etc).
Exodus 21: The Guide to Owning a Slave
-Detailed instructions on how to split up
your new slave from his family and which
of his kids are now yours if his wife gives
birth (Hint: it's all of them).
-How to sell your daughter and what to
do if she fails to please her new master
21:15 And he that smiteth his father, or
his mother, shall be surely put to death.
21:16 And he that stealeth a man, and
selleth him, or if he be found in his
hand, he shall surely be put to death.
21:17 And he that curseth his father, or
his mother, shall surely be put to death.
-Unruly children should be put to death,
and don't steal my slaves motherf...
21:20 And if a man smite his servant, or
his maid, with a rod, and he die under
his hand; he shall be surely punished.
21:21 Notwithstanding, if he continue a
day or two, he shall not be punished:
for he is his money.
21:26 And if a man smite the eye of his
servant, or the eye of his maid, that it
perish; he shall let him go free for his
eye's sake.
21:27 And if he smite out his
manservant's tooth, or his
maidservant's tooth; he shall let him go
free for his tooth's sake.
-Beat your slave with a rod, just don't kill
him... and if you kill him, make sure it
takes a few days for him to die. And don't
put out his eye or knock out a tooth, or
else you have to let him go
22:18 "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to
live."
-One of my favorite lines in the Bible.
Those damn witches.
22:19 "Whosoever lieth with a beast
shall surely be put to death."
-Bestiality = Death
Pages of "Thou shall not"s and animal
sacrifices.
God shows his metrosexual side and
spends 7 pages talking about curtains,
candlesticks, perfume, and accessories
28:30 "And thou shalt put in the
breastplate of judgment the Urim and
the Thummim;"
-The Book of Mormon gets a shout out
Instructions on how to kill, cut up, and
burn your animal sacrifices. And how to
cover yourself with the sacrificial blood.
-Getting a little creepy. Little tribal for my
taste.
31:14 "Ye shall keep the sabbath
therefore; for it is holy unto you: every
one that defileth it shall surely be put
to death:"
-Kill the Sabbath workers. Seems to be an
unbelievable amount of killing for this
peaceful religion.
Moses gets uber pissed when he sees
his people dancing naked around a
golden calf, so he melts it down, mixes
it with water and makes people drink it.
33:23 "And I will take away mine hand,
and thou shalt see my back parts: but
my face shall not be seen".
-You can't look at God's face, but feel free
to check out His ass
34:14 "For thou shalt worship no other
god: for the LORD, whose name is
Jealous, is a jealous God:"
-Wait... now his name is Jealous? Jealous
who is jealous? Obvious troll is obvious?
At this point the author of Exodus
realizes he needs more filler pages to
meet his page count quota and starts
telling the story of Mount Sinai again.
He then closes out his masterpiece with
5 pages describing the construction of a
tabernacle.

Here we go.
Leviticus starts off with a bang. The first
10 chapters are detailed instructions for
your animal sacrifices. That's right. 10
chapters. 252 verses instructing you to
kill and flay and skin and burn and gut
and cut off pieces and rub blood on
parts of your body and remove the
organs and place the bloody pieces in a
pool of blood on sacrificial altars to
appease the blood thirsty Lord.
The Lord spends more time instructing
the procedures for the animal sacrifices
than he does with any other subject in
the Bible. So clearly this is important. So
why aren't Christians offering animal
blood to God these days? Well because it's
archaic and inconvenient. The same
reason they aren't wearing white robes
of unmixed fibers and growing out their
beards and avoiding their menstruating
wives.
Christians didn't want to put forth the
life altering effort that the Bible
commands (and end up Hasidic Jews) so
they claimed that the crucifixion
relieved them of all the Old Testament
laws. But if that is the case, then why
did God put forth these laws in the first
place? If he's omniscient then he knew
that his son (or himself reincarnate...
who knows?) would nullify the previous
rules so what was the point in making
them?
-Then the Lord explains that after a
woman gives birth, she is unclean, much
like during and after her period (God
seems to hate women). If she gives birth
to a female, she is twice as unclean and
must do a purification ritual for a few
weeks, then kill a lamb and put it on a
priest's doorstep.
12:8 "And if she be not able to bring a
lamb, then she shall bring two turtles,
or two young pigeons; the one for the
burnt offering, and the other for a sin
offering: and the priest shall make an
atonement for her, and she shall be
clean."
-It just seems like God wants her to kill
something. "I don't care. Just grab a rock
and smash the head of the nearest living
animal, preferably a bunny. For I am the
Lord, thy God."
The next 116 verses are spent
discussing leprosy. Which is strange
that the book from the all-knowing
creator would discuss a disease specific
to that time period. He didn't bother to
mention aids or bubonic plague or
malaria. He just thought it prudent to
only mention this one specific affliction.
And his suggestion for curing it? You
guessed it. More animal sacrifices. I'm
starting to think that God created all
these animals just to kill them off.
BIBLE'S CURE FOR LEPROSY:
Get 2 birds. Kill one and dip the living one
in the dead bird's blood and sprinkle
yourself with the blood 7 times. Now go
kill Lambchop and smear lamb blood on
yourself 7 times. Find 2 more birds and
repeat the first step.
14:21 "And if he be poor, and cannot
get so much; then he shall take one
lamb for a trespass offering to be
waved, to make an atonement for him,
And two turtledoves, or two young
pigeons, such as he is able to get; and
the one shall be a sin offering, and the
other a burnt offering."
-Once again, even though the Lord was
very specific at first... it really doesn't
matter. Just kill something and roll around
in its blood. Blood orgy is the name of the
game here.
15:19 "And if a woman have an issue,
and her issue in her flesh be blood, she
shall be put apart seven days: and
whosoever toucheth her shall be
unclean until the even."
15:20 "And every thing that she lieth
upon in her separation shall be unclean:
every thing also that she sitteth upon
shall be unclean."
-"I don't trust anything that bleeds for 7
days and doesn't die." - God
-A woman on the rag is a disgusting
thing. Anywhere she sits or touches is
then unclean. At this point I would like to
recommend a book called "The Year of
Living Biblically" by A.J. Jacobs.
To avoid sitting where his disgusting
bleeding wife has sat he carries with him
a collapsible wooden chair that he also
uses on subways and public places. He
also wears a robe, blows a ram's horn,
and wears the appropriate beard and
tassel combination that the lord requires,
all within the confines of New York City.
15:29 "And on the eighth day she shall
take unto her two turtles, or two young
pigeons, and bring them unto the
priest, to the door of the tabernacle of
the congregation."
15:30 "And the priest shall offer the one
for a sin offering, and the other for a
burnt offering; and the priest shall
make an atonement for her before the
LORD for the issue of her uncleanness."
-That's right. Every time any woman is
done menstruating she must kill 2 turtles
or 2 pigeons. Seems like we would almost
have to breed mass amounts just to keep
up. I mean Los Angeles alone has a
population of 10 million. Assuming 5
million of those are female, and say only 2
million are in the Age of Menstruation...
that's still 4 million turtle/pigeons we're
slaughtering every month. For christ's
sakes Bible, think outside the box.
Then the Lord trademarks the term
"scapegoat" in which you take 2 goats,
kill one, sprinkle its blood on the living
goat 7 times and send the living goat
off into the desert, carrying all your sins
with it.
-The author of Leviticus seems to be stuck
on this one idea. Killing one of two
animals and sprinkling the blood 7 times.
Seems to be the trick for any ailment you
have. After rubbing his nipples and
talking about animal sacrifices again, the
Lord brings up the notorious passage:
18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind,
as with womankind: it is abomination.
-Boom. There it is. The source of all those
God Hates gays signs and vitriol spewing
from the mouths of the soulless cunts
with lives so empty that they seek
justification through the condemnation
of others.
But...
The previous 17 chapters immediately
preceding this passage was an in-depth
instruction manual on how to mutilate
and offer up your dead animals on
sacrificial altars. And we seem to have
completely disregarded all that as primal
and barbaric, yet we embrace this equally
primitive dictum as absolute law? (Did
someone say cherry picking?)
[Insert funny gay picture here... I made
the mistake of googling "gay pic"]
If the Bible was one page long and was
made up of Leviticus 19:9 - 19:18, it
would be worth following. Don't lie,
don't steal, be kind to others, don't
judge, don't gossip, don't hate thy
brother. Simple. Short. Good
intentioned. Though the Lord doesn't
seem to follow the "love thy neighbor
as thyself" bit, since he's constantly
commanding warfare against
neighboring factions.
19:26 Ye shall not eat any thing with
the blood: neither shall ye use
enchantment, nor observe times.
19:27 Ye shall not round the corners of
your heads, neither shalt thou mar the
corners of thy beard.
19:28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in
your flesh for the dead, nor print any
marks upon you: I am the LORD.
-Don't eat bloody things, or use magic or
astrology. Don't trim your hair or beard.
Don't get a tattoo. What? You're starting
to lose me, God. Where are all these
random, arbitrary rules coming from? It
just seems like you're bored and trying to
see how far you can push us. And I like
the interspersed usage of I AM THE LORD,
BITCH just to reiterate how awesome you
are in case we forgot.
20:10 And the man that committeth
adultery with another man's wife, even
he that committeth adultery with his
neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the
adulteress shall surely be put to death.
-Don't drink another man's Kool-aid. I
don't mind this law so much. Your
woman cheats on you? Kill both those
motherfuckers. Pop pop.
20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as
he lieth with a woman, both of them
have committed an abomination: they
shall surely be put to death; their blood
shall be upon them.
-A little man on man action? They both
die. In no uncertain terms. And yet
homosexual christians still exist.
20:27 A man also or woman that hath a
familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall
surely be put to death: they shall stone
them with stones: their blood shall be
upon them.
-Those damn wizards again with their
demonic Quidditch!
21:18 For whatsoever man he be that
hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a
blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a
flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
21:19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or
brokenhanded,
21:20 Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that
hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy,
or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
-Yes! Another of my favorites. God hates
the ugly, the blind, the handicapped,
people with limps, people with bad backs
or busted hands, people with broken
nuts, midgets, and pirates.
22:30 "On the same day it shall be
eaten up; ye shall leave none of it until
the morrow: I am the LORD."
22:31 "Therefore shall ye keep my
commandments, and do them: I am the
LORD. "
22:32 "Neither shall ye profane my holy
name; but I will be hallowed among the
children of Israel: I am the LORD which
hallow you,"
22:33 "That brought you out of the land
of Egypt, to be your God: I am the
LORD."
-BAM! BAM! BAM! Oh did you forget who
was talking motherfucker?? It's the LORD
punk ass! Make sure you take out the
trash before dinner... I AM THE LORD!
AWWW YEAAAAAH. 4 straight verses in a
row stroking the Lord's ego.
The Lord closes out this chapter by
threatening his people with violence if
they don't obey.
26:21 And if ye walk contrary unto me,
and will not hearken unto me; I will
bring seven times more plagues upon
you according to your sins.
26:22 I will also send wild beasts
among you, which shall rob you of your
children , and destroy your cattle, and
make you few in number; and your high
ways shall be desolate.
26:23 And if ye will not be reformed by
me by these things, but will walk
contrary unto me;
26:24 Then will I also walk contrary
unto you, and will punish you yet seven
times for your sins.
26:25 And I will bring a sword upon you,
that shall avenge the quarrel of my
covenant: and when ye are gathered
together within your cities, I will send
the pestilence among you; and ye shall
be delivered into the hand of the
enemy.
26:30 And I will destroy your high
places, and cut down your images, and
cast your carcases upon the carcases of
your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.
26:31 And I will make your cities waste,
and bring your sanctuaries unto
desolation, and I will not smell the
savour of your sweet odours.
26:32 And I will bring the land into
desolation: and your enemies which
dwell therein shall be astonished at it.
Etc etc etc
And finally, the Lord makes sure every
knows that a woman is worth 50% of a
man's worth in shekels. All praise the
kind and generous Lord.

What a violent God!
No wonder Christians are so violent!
Especially when it comes to rejection.
Twa!

I voted Genesis.
Na real NOVICE-DRUNKARD write that part of story book!

Callotti: What a violent God!
No wonder Christians are so violent!
Especially when it comes to rejection.
Twa!

I voted Genesis.
Na real NOVICE-DRUNKARD write that part of story book!

phew, i almost gave up on this.

obvious awesome thread is obvious. Keep em coming.lol au yaweh and his insatiable appetite for blood!

@op the problem with muslims christians,jews , buddhist,hindusetc is that they are too afraid to see that their is no god.they are too in love with the thought of n after life. Non of dem loves god allah or buddha they are just scared of hell they do good only because they will go to hell if they dont and not because they think it's the right thing to do. When u really understand their situation u'd feel nothing but pity for them.

Sister fatie: @op the problem with muslims christians,jews , buddhist,hindusetc is that they are too afraid to see that their is no god.they are too in love with the thought of n after life. Non of dem loves god allah or buddha they are just scared of hell they do good only because they will go to hell if they dont and not because they think it's the right thing to do. When u really understand their situation u'd feel nothing but pity for them.

i understand. Thats why they always boil it down to pascals wager.

Sister fatie: @op the problem with muslims christians,jews , buddhist,hindusetc is that they are too afraid to see that their is no god.they are too in love with the thought of n after life. Non of dem loves god allah or buddha they are just scared of hell they do good only because they will go to hell if they dont and not because they think it's the right thing to do. When u really understand their situation u'd feel nothing but pity for them.

i understand. Thats why they always boil it down to pascals wager. Ugh with the censorship.

@heathen, yahweh has walked among us as...count dracula!!!
Now on to numbers.This will be short and compressed
because Numbers is boring and I can't
hold in my raging desire to get to
Deuteronomy.
-15 Chapters of nothing happening.
Israelites still lost in the desert.
-Moses gets water to flow from a stone
for his thirsty followers by hitting it with
a stick.
21:2 "And Israel vowed a vow unto the
LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed
deliver this people into my hand, then I
will utterly destroy their cities."
21:3 "And the LORD hearkened to the
voice of Israel, and delivered up the
Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed
them and their cities: and he called the
name of the place Hormah."
-God massacres entire cities of innocent
people
21:5 "And the people spake against
God, and against Moses, Wherefore
have ye brought us up out of Egypt to
die in the wilderness? for there is no
bread, neither is there any water; and
our soul loatheth this light bread."
21:6 "And the LORD sent fiery serpents
among the people, and they bit the
people; and much people of Israel
died."
-The people who faithfully followed Moses
on his word, and have been lost in the
desert for 40 years complain that they are
starving and dehydrated... so God kills
them. "I said keep it down back there, I'm
trying to drive!"
21:34 "And the LORD said unto Moses,
Fear him not: for I have delivered him
into thy hand, and all his people, and
his land; and thou shalt do to him as
thou didst unto Sihon king of the
Amorites, which dwelt at Heshbon."
21:35 "So they smote him, and his sons,
and all his people, until there was none
left him alive: and they possessed his
land."
-And yet another senseless genocide...
and we're not even onto the next chapter
yet.
-Reference to the "Book of the Wars of
the Lord." Why couldn't they have "lost"
some worthless book like Psalms and
kept the much more intriguing
sounding one?
15:32 "And while the children of Israel
were in the wilderness, they found a
man that gathered sticks upon the
sabbath day."
15:35 "And the LORD said unto Moses,
The man shall be surely put to death: all
the congregation shall stone him with
stones without the camp."
-If you so much as pick up twigs on
Sunday, you deserve the electric chair.
22:28 "And the LORD opened the mouth
of the ass,"
-the sexiest line in the Bible, followed by a
confusing and seemingly superfluous tale
of a donkey complaining to its master for
beating him his whole life, voiced by
Eddie Murphy.
-More altars and animal sacrifices. So
far, this has been in every book of the
Bible, so it must be important. Yet
because it's no longer accepted as
social norm, the Lord's followers have
discarded this obviously insignificant
ritual.
23:22 "God brought them out of Egypt;
he hath as it were the strength of an
unicorn."
-Well... he actually meant... oh hell.
24:15 "And he took up his parable, and
said, Balaam the son of Beor hath said,
and the man whose eyes are open hath
said:"
24:16 "He hath said, which heard the
words of God, and knew the knowledge
of the most High, which saw the vision
of the Almighty, falling into a trance,
but having his eyes open:"
-I just have to say... for being the divine
work of God, this is the worst grammar
and sentence composition I have ever
seen. Even granting it the dozen or so
language translations it has endured, this
is just redundancy to the extremes.
25:1 And Israel abode in Shittim, and
the people began to commit whoredom
with the daughters of Moab.
25:2 And they called the people unto
the sacrifices of their gods: and the
people did eat, and bowed down to
their gods.
25:4 And the LORD said unto Moses,
Take all the heads of the people, and
hang them up before the LORD against
the sun, that the fierce anger of the
LORD may be turned away from Israel.
25:5 And Moses said unto the judges of
Israel, Slay ye every one his men that
were joined unto Baalpeor.
25:6 And, behold, one of the children of
Israel came and brought unto his
brethren a Midianitish woman in the
sight of Moses, and in the sight of all
the congregation of the children of
Israel, who were weeping before the
door of the tabernacle of the
congregation.
25:7 And when Phinehas, the son of
Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest,
saw it, he rose up from among the
congregation, and took a javelin in his
hand;
25:8 And he went after the man of
Israel into the tent, and thrust both of
them through, the man of Israel, and
the woman through her belly. So the
plague was stayed from the children of
Israel.
-Holy tap dancing Christ in a cartoon.
Moses has the men involved in the orgy
beheaded and their heads hung/staked
up to deter the "fierce anger of the Lord."
Then they spear a man and a foreign
woman, which pleases the Lord so much
he spares them from his rabid plague.
-Moses slaughters the Midianites at the
Lord's bidding and burns their cities and
captures their women and children.
-Why exactly? The Lord seems infinitely
pissed at the human race and desires the
painful death of anyone not already killing
in his name.
31:17 "Now therefore kill every male
among the little ones, and kill every
woman that hath known man by lying
with him."
31:18 "But all the women children, that
have not known a man by lying with
him, keep alive for yourselves."
-Moses kills all the male children and all
the women who aren't virgins. But he
keeps the female children for sex slaves.
-Seriously... we're only 4 books in. How do
people read this and go "that's the moral
doctrine I want to base my life after!"
33:3 "And they departed from Rameses
in the first month, on the fifteenth day
of the first month; on the morrow after
the passover the children of Israel went
out with an high hand in the sight of all
the Egyptians. "
33:4 "For the Egyptians buried all their
firstborn, which the LORD had smitten
among them: upon their gods also the
LORD executed judgments."
-The Lord is still ritualistically killing the
firstborns of people who have no idea
why or what they did wrong. And also,
the Lord punished the "other gods."
Monotheism be damned.
-Then the Lord rambles on about all the
land they will soon control, I'm
assuming while wringing his hands and
cackling maniacally. Fade to black.
End Scene.

Hey, atheists brethren are having fellowship, and they're not even inviting we to share grace? Segregational racism.

have a ball.

ea7: have a ball.

Ball? Fellowship? Atheists have balls during their fellowship? i just wanted to share grace.

Get comfortable folks, this is gonna be a long one.





2:31 And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have begun to give Sihon and his land before thee: begin to possess, that thou mayest inherit his land.

2:33 And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people.

2:34 And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain:

-After giving his soldiers a pep talk about how much land they can conquer, the Lord kills off the men, women, and children of yet another random city.



3:3 So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining.

3:4 And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan.

3:6 And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.

-The Lord and his people slaughter the men, women, and children of 60 more cities. The Lord's body count is up to about a billion at this point, and not once has it been explained why Moses is on a killing spree. At this point, it's pretty obvious that God is a bloodthirsty deity who desires killing and animal sacrifices to appease his bloodlust.



3:11 For only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants;

all the region of Argob, with all Bashan, which was called the land of giants.

-The 4th mention of giants.



4:2 Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you, neither shall ye diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you.

12:32 What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it.

-Direct from God's mouth. If you're not an Orthodox Jew, you're wrong. You must adhere to everything I have ever commanded of you. However, that hasn't stopped the many many alterations to the Bible to make it more "modern friendly."



God gives what sounds like a goodbye speech, while tooting his own horn. "Have you ever seen another God talk from fire? And remember when I parted the seas? And remember that one time when you didn't want to fight those people but I owned those fools for you? That was all me, baby. Now remember my commandments and keep my statutes, for I am off."

Then they re-explain the Ten Commandments to all the new recruits that didn't get the Post-It, while emphasizing for the 13th time or so "I am a jealous God and will punish your children's children for your sins."



God goes on a self-masturbatory rant. "You will know my words and fear me, lest you invoke my wraith, but if you follow me, fear not, for I am a merciful God."





8:2 And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.

-This whole "40 years wandering the desert" thing? Yeah that was all just a test to your loyalty. Surprise! This suggests that God isn't omniscient (which would actually help the theist's case greatly if they would just concede this one tidbit).



10:16 Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.

-Bet you didn't know God was a poet.



12:27 And thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, the flesh and the blood, upon the altar of the LORD thy God: and the blood of thy sacrifices shall be poured out upon the altar of the LORD thy God, and thou shalt eat the flesh.

-I'm starting to think that "blood" and "offerings" are the 2 most used words in the Bible.



13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God

-God commanding our religious family members to kill us atheists. So the very fact that we are all still alive is proof of their disobedience.



God rambling about not eating shrimp or eagles or bats, and how to buy or sell a Hebrew slave.



17:2 If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,

17:3 And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;

17:5 Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.

-Kill everyone who has different religious beliefs from your own.



18:10 There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch.

18:11 Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.

18:12 For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD:

-WHAT? Because wizardry, witchcraft, and necromancy are real things, right? (sarcasm) So John Edwards (Crossing Over) is the devil? And tarot card readers are minions of demons?



18:20 But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die.

18:21 And if thou say in thine heart, How shall we know the word which the LORD hath not spoken?

18:22 When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.

-So we should kill prophets whose predictions don't come true. Isn't this justification for the killing of Jesus? He promised many things "the meek shall inherit the earth, this generation will by no means pass away till all these things take place, etc" that didn't come true.



20:13 And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword:

20:14 But the women, and the little ones, and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shalt eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the LORD thy God hath given thee.

20:16 But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth:

-In the cities the Lord gives you, take the women, children, and cattle for yourself. If the city isn't given to you by God (then why attack it?), kill everything that moves.



21:11 And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;

21:12 Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;

21:13 And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

21:14 And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go

-If you're attracted to one of the slaves, you take her home with you and after a month you can "go in unto her" and she's you're wife. Unless you decide afterward that you don't want her anymore... then you can kick her out.



21:18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

21:19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

21:20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21:21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

-If your bastard son won't listen to you, drag him out into public, call him fat and drunk, and invite your neighbors to stone him to death.

-If you've noticed that my humorous pictures frequency has slowed down... I'm feeling a little queasy from all the killing and raping and "moral values" being put out as something children should be taught. It's not like I'm excluding the "moral" or "good" parts, I'm just not finding any.



22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

-Don't dress in drag. Which is a strange thing for the Lord to say since WE were the ones who invented clothing and decided which designs were meant for which gender. So we made a dress and went "this is for women" and God stepped in and went "and don't you DARE wear that if you're a man!"



22:13 If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; etc

22:20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
'22:21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die

-That's right folks. If a man ends up hating his wife and wants a divorce, he can claim she wasn't a virgin. Then the woman's parents must provide proof of her virginity (bloody sheets) to the elders or else the wife should be stoned to death on her father's doorstep.



22:22 If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.

-Adulterers should be killed



22:23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;

22:24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city

-If a betrothed virgin woman is raped within shouting distance of others, she should be killed for not crying out loud enough.



22:28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; (22:28-29)

22:29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her

-However if the virgin gets raped and isn't engaged to anyone, then the rapist must pay her father money and then marry her.

-You see? I can't make jokes about these, because they are jokes themselves.



23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

-Can't enter the kingdom of God without a nice package



24:14 Thou shalt not oppress a hired servant that is poor and needy, whether he be of thy brethren, or of thy strangers that are in thy land within thy gates:

...and some other passages about gathering food for the poor.

-These verses are few and far between. The pattern of the Bible seems to be: slaughter, slaughter, rape, sacrifice, be nice to people, slaughter slaughter, sacrifice, plunder and burn, seriously... be nice to people.



25:5 If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her.

-You have to marry your brother's wife if you don't have kids



25:7 And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother.

25:9 Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house.

25:10 And his name shall be called in Israel, The house of him that hath his shoe loosed.

-Unless of course you don't like your brother's wife. Then she can steal his shoes, spit in his face, and change his name to "the guy who has loose shoes."



25:11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:

25:12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

-Nothing more need be said.



God goes on another rant about all the bad things that will happen to you if you don't listen to him.







28:20 The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly; because of the wickedness of thy doings, whereby thou hast forsaken me.

28:21 The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it.

Etc

Including: 28:30 Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: thou shalt build an house, and thou shalt not dwell therein: thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not gather the grapes thereof.

-Yeah. Some dude will sleep with your wife and you'll be all pissed and go to tend your vineyard but you can't seem to get any grapes to grow.



28:53 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters

-Oh wait we're still going on about the bad things? You will become a cannibal and eat your own children? I get it already!




32:22 For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.

32:23 I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them.

32:24 They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust...

-God gets super pissed and stomps around muttering to himself.



Moses dies at the ripe old age of 120. And there was much sadness.





(That last bit was rushed. God hacked into my computer and tried to stop my blasphemy with a virus, but my Avast! antivirus proved too much for him.)

Joshua takes over management of Moses' "Iron Fist of God" war company, complete with a bluetooth headset on speed dial to God.



Joshua sends spies to Jericho to spy on them... so they "take refuge" in the house of a prostitute named Rahab.



3:17 And the priests that bare the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the midst of Jordan, and all the Israelites passed over on dry ground, until all the people were passed clean over Jordan.

-The ground rises up so that the people can cross the Jordan river without getting their socks soggy. The Nazis were then intercepted by Indiana Jones who then... no wait, that's not right.



5:13 And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand: and Joshua went unto him, and said unto him, Art thou for us, or for our adversaries?

5:14 And he said, Nay; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto him, What saith my Lord unto his servant?

5:15 And the captain of the LORD's host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Joshua did so.

-Joshua pretty much believes anything anyone says ever. Then the Lord's captain tells him to take his shoes off... the punishment for refusing your brother's wife if I remember correctly.






The Lord says that if you want me to topple the walls of Jericho, you must have seven priests take seven ram horns and walk around the city seven times on the seventh day, then blow the horns.

-Nothing like arbitrary patterns and rituals to make the ridiculous seem miraculous.

"How could someone have brought that pigeon back to life?"

"Well, they danced for 10 days and 10 nights and ordered a 10 piece Chicken McNugget combo while playing 10 degrees of Kevin Bacon with their friend Diez."

"Oh, well that makes sense."








The Lord commands that only Rahab the prostitute shall be spared from the slaughter, for helping his spies earlier.

-So this hooker is the only person in Jericho worth saving? Are we to believe that every single person murdered in the 100 or so cities the Lord invades is soulless and evil?

"Well they didn't worship the correct God."

-How could they? God only recently started talking to a select few people and instead of trying to convince his "children" of his existence, he opts for the much more entertaining "massacre them all without giving them a chance."



6:19 But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the LORD: they shall come into the treasury of the LORD.

-Notice he doesn't say "for the people of the Lord" or "the Lord's followers," he says "this omnipotence isn't gonna pay for itself, bitches... make money papers, my new album drops this summer from my band Savior Self."



6:21 And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword.

-God's 31st genocide.



Joshua tells his posse to take a handful of dudes and go kill the people of Ai. They fail and get turned away. So Josh is like "What up, God? I'm trying to kill in your name and you're being a dick about it."

And God is like "Yo dude, I said not to take the 'accursed thing' and you took the 'accursed thing' ..." and rambled on for 8 more paragraphs about this "accursed thing."

So Joshua takes the family of the guy who apparently took the "accursed thing" and stones them to death.



God (the master in tactical warfare) lays out an ambush plan... instead of just... you know... using his powers as God and destroying them. Through trickery and ambush, they overcome the people of Ai (which, according to historians was already ancient ruins during the time of this battle).







10:12 Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.

10:13 And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day

-While killing some more people, Joshua asked God to make the sun and the moon stand still. But since we now know science, does this mean that the Lord stopped the Earth from rotating? Then later, did he start it spinning again?

-And why did they need the sun AND the moon? Does that mean the Lord also made the moon stop revolving around the Earth? Wouldn't that have messed with the gravitational pull, the tides, the climate, and the axis of Earth's rotation?







God has Joshua kill every living being in the cities of Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron, Debir, and so on and so on until 22 kingdoms had been completely massacred down to the last child. And all this simply because the people of Israel are the "people of God," not because any of those kingdoms were notoriously ruthless or vile.

-This isn't the game Risk... you can't just take over land cause you think you deserve to have it. Anyone that's seen war, imagine how bad it was, then imagine that you had to take a sword and kill defenseless, crying women and children just because your boss said so.



Joshua then divvies up the land among his people and the Bible rambles on for pages about who got what and where the borders of random places resided.



Joshua dies. Punch and pie were served.

can a mod please change the title to read 'of the bible'.

God appoints Judah to run things while Joshua most likely is having a rave party in heaven... even though heaven doesn't exist at this point in the Bible. And within 2 verses of being appointed, Judah has slain 10,000 men for the Lord.

-You know, for being the divine word of God that was so important for men to hear, the Bible just seems to be a glorified recounting of the Lord's military successes.



Judah then kills everyone in Jerusalem and Hebron... gets cocky and goes "Whoever conquers Debir can have my daughter as a wife.

-Example #183,247 of women being subjugated and treated as lessers in the Bible.



1:19 And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

-Well we've discovered God's kryptonite. When Armageddon comes and the Lord wages his war against us sinners, I'm hopping in my "iron chariot."





As illustrated in the opening picture, there begins an endless loop where "the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD:" which caused the response: "the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them" to some random king.



An assassination in God's name, followed by the killing of 10,000 Moabites, followed by the killing of 600 Philistines, then Sisera, the leader of one of the enemies, escapes and is met by a woman named Jael, who feeds him, gives him milk, tells him to worry not... then drives a tent stake through his head while he sleeps.

-!!!!!!!



6:1 And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of...

-Staying true to the established theme, People do evil, God gets pissed and sells them into slavery. These have got to be the hardest to convince people on the planet. The Lord, who frequently talks and interacts with these people, has helped them conquer nearly 100 kingdoms to this point, and they remain unimpressed and would rather worship other gods.



Gideon and an angel sit under a tree and have a discussion. Gideon goes "where are all these miracles that our fathers have told us about?" And God intervenes in the convo and goes "oh yeah? I'll help you kill all the Midianites. That'll show you."



6:21 Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff that was in his hand, and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Then the angel of the LORD departed out of his sight.

-For absolutely no reason, the angel sets a rock on fire with a staff, then disappears. He might as well have went "Ta Daaaa!"



6:34 But the Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet; and Abiezer was gathered after him.





6:37 Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said.

-I thought I made it clear about not tempting the Lord? Gideon still looking for convincing magic tricks from the Big Guy. Why not get something out of your demands for magic tricks? Why not say "If thou can make a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza appear with a 2 liter of mountain dew... then I will know thou wilt save Israel."



7:7 And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you, and deliver the Midianites into thine hand: and let all the other people go every man unto his place.

-God decides Gideon's army is too big for an impressive victory, so he makes them all drink water and the 300 that "lapped water like a dog" become the new army.



Gideon's masterful plan is to split his 300 men into 3 groups, arm them with trumpets and glass containers, and then surround the enemy, blow the trumpets, break the glasses, and shout "The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon!"

-Sun Tzu be damned, Gideon and his brass section are the true tacticians.



Gideon dies and "much whoring" takes place.



9:9 But the olive tree said unto them, Should I leave my fatness, wherewith by me they honour God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:10 And the trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, and reign over us.

9:11 But the fig tree said unto them, Should I forsake my sweetness, and my good fruit, and go to be promoted over the trees?

9:12 Then said the trees unto the vine, Come thou, and reign over us.

-If someone can explain this to me, it would just be a delight. Trees... just randomly start talking to each other. If symbolic or a metaphor, it is so poorly done that the message is completely lost. Perhaps they were conspiring as to whether or not to attack Saruman at his wizardly tower.



9:53 And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech's head, and all to brake his skull.

9:54 Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A women slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died.

-Kill me quick! I don't want the guys at the office to know a woman bested me. Dynamite sexism there, Bible.



The children sin again and God is fed up with it.

10:13 Yet ye have forsaken me, and served other gods: wherefore I will deliver you no more.

10:14 Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your tribulation.

-"Why don't you go tell your new best friend your problems," says God, while sulking in the corner.



Jephthah (worst name ever) makes a deal with God that if he helps him slaughter the Ammonites, he will sacrifice the first person who "comes from his house to greet him." So God kills, and Jephthah's daughter is lucky enough to be the one to greet him first. So she "goes up and down the mountains bewailing her virginity" for 2 months (you'd think she'd just use those 2 months to go get laid) and then Jephthah kills her and sacrifices her as promised.

-I guess no last minute Abraham/Isaac rescue this time, eh Lord?



12:6 Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.

-LOL. I guess this is akin to having black people say "ask" and "ambulance" and then killing them when they inevitably "axe" for that "amba-lance."



13:9 And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

-Husbands are never around when angels come unto women and make them pregnant. (Joke goes to SkepAnnotBib)



SAMSON WAS BORN

-Hell yeah, now we're getting into the good stuff. Samson, the Biblical Chuck Norris who looked like Fabio, bursts into this world with a roundhouse kick through his mom's uterus.



Fabio tells his parents to go get him that fine piece of ass who "pleases him well" so he can make her his wife. Then a random lion appears and Samson goes "I ain't impressed" and drop a Hogan Leg Drop on him.





Samson poses a terrible riddle to some people, claiming that if they can't solve it within 7 days, they have to give him 30 sheets and 30 garments. They panic and consider burning down his wife's family's house. His wife weeps and tells them the answer so Samson calls her a "heifer" and:

14:19 And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house.

14:20 But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend.

-That's right. He kills 30 random people, steals their stuff and gives it to the people who solved his riddle. Then he gives his cow of a wife to his buddy.



Then he tries to make a booty call on the wife he gave away and the father-in-law says he already gave the wife to someone else since he thought Samson hated her. So Samson gets pissed and decides to take revenge on the Philistines (why??) by catching 300 foxes, lighting their tails on fire and setting them loose in Philistine cornfields.

So the Philistines get pissed and kill the father-in-law and the cow wife (why?) Samson's own people tie him up for being a dick, so he goes all Super Saiyan, breaks the ropes, and kills 1000 people with the jawbone of a donkey, then gets thirsty so the Lord makes water flow from the jawbone for him to drink."





-Let's all just take a minute and let that all sink in. Moral guidebook, indeed.



16:1 Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.

-Why is this information in the Bible? The Lord wanted us to know that Samson liked hookers?



Then Samson sleeps with a chick named Delilah, who is being paid to find out Samson's weakness (how do they know he has a weakness?). So she blatantly asked him what his weakness is. He says:

16:7 If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

So she binds him with green withs and says "Surprise, it was a trap! The Philistines are upon you now." ... and he breaks free of them and laughs. And she's like:

16:10 Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

16:11 And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

-This continues, with Delilah going "AHA we've got you now!" and Samson going "Nope, I was just kidding." and she immediately goes "Ahh man, seriously, what's your weakness? Don't you love me?"

-Until he ACTUALLY tells her his weakness, a shaved head, then falls asleep in her lap. So of course they shave him, capture him, and bring him to be sacrificed to their god, so he asks the Lord for the strength to go all terrorist on their asses and brings the house down, killing himself and 3000 people. What kind of building is held up by 2 pillars?





I'm going to post the next piece in its entirety, or else it will seem like I'm making it up.

19:24 Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.

19:25 But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.

19:26 Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light.

19:27 And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.

19:28 And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.

19:29 And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.

-(From SkepAnnoBible) After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep. The Levite puts her body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces (while still alive?) and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

-All of this was to "wake people up" and to get them to take action.



So the Israelites gather for war against the Benjamites and the mob who abused the concubine (and not against the guy who chopped her into pieces strangely). God says Judah and his clan should go first in the war against the Benamites... and 22,000 of Judah's clan get slaughtered.

So they ask God again for guidance and he says "yeah sure, try again," and 18,000 more Israelites were killed in an epic fail.

So they go back and say to God "what the Bleep is your deal?" and he's like "alright, THIS time you'll win, I'm super serious." And the Israelites prevail.



20:48 And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to.

-They pay back a mob of people who sexually abused a concubine... by killing every child from the cities the men came from. Makes sense to me.



But now since all the Benjamite women and children had just been killed, there were no wives for the 600 Benjamite men that survived and became slaves. So the Israelites go "hey, the Jabeshgilead people didn't show up to our concubine war meetings, let's go kill them and take their virgin women!"

21:10 And the congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children.

21:11 And this is the thing that ye shall do, Ye shall utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man.

21:12 And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh, which is in the land of Canaan.

-So now they've found 400 virgins for the 600 Benjamite men, but they still need 200 more. So they:



21:20 Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards;

21:21 And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin.

-Yep. Go kidnap the women of Shiloh while they're dancing. Problem solved.





Ah, the Bible. Teaching us for 2000 years that when faced with a dilemma... genocide, kidnapping, pedophilia, slavery, and animal sacrifices will fix things in a pinch.

1:4 And they took them wives of the women of Moab; the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth: and they dwelled there about ten years.






THE END



-Oh wait... it said "Orpah."



But seriously, the book of Ruth is 4 chapters long and is just the story of how Ruth waited until Boaz got drunk and fell asleep, then undressed him and slept next to him until he woke up. Then Boaz woke up, went "ah what the hell, I'm already naked" and did Ruth. Then he purchased her as his wife.

-Why? Why is this book in the book of the Lord? What message are we supposed to obtain from this? That once again, it's cool to deceive a guy to sleep with him to get what you want?

The Lord "shuts up Hannah's womb" so that it's only by his grace that she bear children. Samuel pops out.

-Like taking candy from a child so that you can give it back to them and be the cause of their joy... the joy that's replacing the pain you also caused.



2:8 ...for the pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

-This wonderful chestnut is one of many wrong details about the earth that appear in the Bible. This line also gives credence to glaringly obvious fact that the knowledge of the Bible were limited to the knowledge and demographics of the men who wrote it.

-And if it is supposed to be figurative... figurative of what? What exactly are figurative pillars that the earth is sitting upon?



The Lord calls out to Samuel 3 times before getting through (bad reception in heaven), and says:

3:11 And the LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle.

-The writing style of Samuel is much different than the previous books; different grammar, word choices, etc. And also the Lord is gonna make some ears tingle.

-Then God tells Samuel that Eli's descendants will be forever punished because of some sins that his sons committed.



4:18 And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

-After finding out his 2 sons had died in battle, Eli goes "well what about the ark?" then falls backwards off his chair and breaks his neck. Just fantastic.





God kills roughly 50,000 people for being around and looking at his Ark.

-Possessive son of a bitch, ain't he? "That's MY ark. Don't look at it, stupid!"



9:3 And Kish said to Saul his son, Take now one of the servants with thee, and arise, go seek the asses.

-Oh if only my morals would let me quote mine.



10:3 Then shalt thou go on forward from thence, and thou shalt come to the plain of Tabor, and there shall meet thee three men going up to God to Bethel, one carrying three kids, and another carrying three loaves of bread, and another carrying a bottle of wine:

10:4 And they will salute thee, and give thee two loaves of bread; which thou shalt receive of their hands.

-Saul predicts the future for Samuel and then it happens, much like... an Oracle?





Saul is chosen to become king, but they can't find him. So the Lord pokes his head out of the clouds and goes:

10:22 Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff.

10:23 And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward.

-That's right. Perhaps he's hiding in his "stuff."



11:1 Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee.

11:2 And Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes

-Didn't the Bible already say that the men of Jabeshgilead had been killed off a few years ago? (Judges) And sure we'll make a deal with you... just poke out your right eye. Better than a handshake.



More animal sacrifices and slaughtering as the Israelites battle the Philistines.



God commands Saul to slaughter every man, woman, and child of the Amalekites to appease a grudge he has against them from hundreds of years ago. Saul kills everyone but the king and the best cattle to sacrifice to the Lord, and the Lord gets super pissed because He said kill everyone.



15:22 And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

15:23 For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king.

-I've got red flags going off in my brain. This clearly magnifies the use of the Bible as tools used by rulers to keep order of the masses. Obey. Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft. Martin Luther King Jr was apparently the devil.



15:32 Then said Samuel, Bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past.

15:33 And Samuel said, As the sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal.

-Soooo, Samuel chops the king into pieces for the amusement of the Lord



God secretly makes David the new king since Saul refused to kill and:

16:14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him.

-God... the most goodly being possible... sends an evil spirit to Bleep with Saul. Satan, my ass. God make the snake in the garden and is now sending demonic spirits to harass people who don't want to massacre people. Later David plays a harp to make Saul's evil spirit go away.



David slays Goliath... then cuts off his head and parades around with it.





Saul makes David collect 100 Philistine foreskins in order to purchase Saul's daughter as his wife. So David plays the overachiever and collects 200 foreskins. Not sure what you'd want with the skin of 200 dicks... perhaps make a soup.



20:30 Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's unclothedness?

20:41 And as soon as the lad was gone, David arose out of a place toward the south, and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed himself three times: and they kissed one another, and wept one with another

-Jonathan and David get all gay with each other and Saul gets pissed and throws a spear at Jonathan.







David demands that Nabal, a wanderer, give him all his stuff and Nabal goes "who the hell is David, I haven't even heard of this prick. Should I start giving my stuff to anyone that claims to deserve it?" and leaves, except later Nabal's wife packs up all his stuff and brings it to David and grovels, where David then declares multiple times that he would kill anyone "that pisseth against a wall."

10 days later, God kills Nabal and David takes all his stuff and his wife anyways.



27:9 And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive

-It doesn't really matter at this point if I tell you who was killed, just know that God can't stand to go for a few months without slaughtering entire cities.



Saul uses a witch to do her necromancy and bring Samuel back from the dead... so that he can once again go "Dude, how come God rejected me again?" and Samuel's all like "I already told you, dude. You didn't kill everyone like God said to... oh and by the way, you and your sons are going to die tomorrow. Peace."



Notice that the witch has a wand. It just wouldn't be TRUE magic without a magic wand.



Saul's sons and armorbearer are killed by the Philistines so Saul falls on his own sword and kills himself.



The Amalekites... who have been completely wiped out twice in the past few years by the Israelites... invade a bunch of cities and take a bunch of people hostage without killing any of them (which side is the moral one?), so David catches up with them, kills them all (again), and rescues his two wives.



[NOTE]
The more I read the Bible and see "This person then went over here and said this... then they fell down grovelling... then they secretly did this and whispered this to this person before killing him with this object" ...the more I realize that no one is there taking notes. There isn't a court stenographer following each person along jotting down the specifics and dialogues of these people. How does anyone know what the angel who visited this person in the night said or that God was angry for this specific reason?

Realize that this is a work of fiction and so plot lines, dialogues, motives, and details are easily made up to move the story along.

2nd Samuel starts off with two contradictions. A messenger says to David that 1. He was an Amalekite (but they have been completely slaughtered several times now, including the entire reason that Saul was shunned and killed in the first place... because he killed all but the king of the Amalekites) and 2. The messenger claims to have slain Saul, even though 1st Samuel says Saul fell upon his own sword.

So David has the messenger killed....



David describes the love of Jonathan to be greater than that of a woman.



2:8 But Abner the son of Ner, captain of Saul's host, took Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and brought him over to Mahanaim;

2:9 And made him king over Gilead, and over the Ashurites, and over Jezreel, and over Ephraim, and over Benjamin, and over all Israel.

-Apparently the author of 2nd Samuel didn't get the memo from the author of 1st Samuel about the whole "Saul and all his family and friends being killed," because Saul's son pops into existence and is made king.



2:14 And Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise, and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise.

2:15 Then there arose and went over by number twelve of Benjamin, which pertained to Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and twelve of the servants of David.

2:16 And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow's side; so they fell down together: wherefore that place was called Helkathhazzurim, which is in Gibeon.

-I'm hoping the word "play" was mistranslated, because after the young men finish stabbing each other in the side (in a playful, fatally wounding kind of way), the house of Saul and the house of David continue "playing" until 300 men are dead. And this tactical "playfare" continues for a few decades.



Then a lot of people get stabbed "under the fifth rib." Much like the "sprinkling the blood seven times" guy, this author found a repeating phrase he can keep coming back to.



A lot of assassinations take place, and then the assassins are punished by being cut into pieces and hung from various places.



5:19 And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand.

-David's like "Yo God, you wanna go arbitrarily kill some more Philistines?" and the Lord is all like "Hellz yeah! I'll go get my shotgun." God hates the Philistines simply for being born in the wrong country.


Image has been scaled down 7% (600x454). Click this bar to view original image (640x484). Click image to open in new window.





While transporting God's ark, it starts to fall off the ox wagon, so Uzzah stops it from falling with his hand... so God kills him. "I said don't touch my treasure chest, bitches!"



6:14 And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod.

-King David dances in his underwear for God, and Michal, the daughter of Saul sees him and goes "dude, what the Bleep are you doing?" and David's like "umm, hello? It's for GOD!" and God curses Michal with a worthless vagina.

6:23 Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.

-Even though... later in the Bible, she gives birth to 5 sons



David kills a lot more Philistines and Syrians just because he can.



11:1 And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah.

-Is there any context in any scenario where the killing of children is righteous or moral? Perhaps if they are all demon spawn, like Children of the Damned. But seriously, "And they destroyed the children" ... anyone who claims the Bible is a moral guide should be immediately slapped in the face from this point on.



David then proves why he's God go-to guy by seeing a hot chick, sending for her, sleeping with her, and getting her pregnant. And when he finds out she's pregnant David has her husband come home from battle to try to trick him into thinking it's the husbands kid.

But the husband refuses to go to his house saying, "why should I be allowed to eat, drink, and enjoy the comforts of my home while my combat brothers still fight in the fields?" Great, so the husband is also a noble man.

So David tries the oldest trick in the Good Book, getting him drunk... but he still refuses to go home to his wife. So David sends him back into battle with instructions to his commanders to put him at the front of the most dangerous battles, where he of course dies. Then David marries the dude's wife.

11:27 And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

-FINALLY! The Lord is displeased! It took many books and incest and genocide and slaughtering babies and children and rape. But when David knocks up a soldier's wife, the Lord is like "Whoa whoa whoa! What is this? Adultery? Not on my watch, mister!"



12:7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man.

-I'm going to start using this one in conversations. "Ohhh, nice shot dude! Thou art the man!"



12:11 Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.

12:14 Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die.

-So to "punish" David, God gives some of his several wives to his neighbor so that everyone can watch them screw... and then kills the innocent child that David never wanted in the first place. Wow what a terrible punishment.



After the baby dies, David goes about his day all chipper and the servants ask him why he isn't mourning the baby and he goes "I did mourn... while the baby was alive. But since God took the child anyways, there's nothing I can do about it." (Shrug) Then since the baby's mother (dead soldier's wife) is grieving, David humps her again and she gives birth to another kid.



13:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.

13:2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her.

13:6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.

13:11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.

13:14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

-David's son rapes his own sister so that she'll marry him (Bible law as stated earlier, raped virgins must marry their rapists), but she refuses. So the rapist's brother (Absalom) has the servants murder him to make everybody feel better.







16:22 So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel.

-Absalom has a big orgy for all the land to witness.



18:7 Where the people of Israel were slain before the servants of David, and there was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand men.

18:8 For the battle was there scattered over the face of all the country: and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.

-Ummm. What? The trees ate people?



Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree so Joab throw darts through his heart.


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God puts a famine on David's people for three years because of things Saul did back in the day. So to appease God, David hangs 2 of Saul's sons and 5 sons of Michal (who... as mentioned previously... couldn't bear children).



A few pages about how God can shake the foundations of heaven with his wrath and how he can breathe fire and ride cherubs and fire arrows, and praises are given to God for his ability to break enemy necks and take names.

Rambles on about the heroic deeds of random soldiers (such as the captain who killed 800 men at one time with his spear).



David sins by "incorrectly numbering the amount of people that he controlled" so he asks God for forgiveness. And being the blood thirsty God that we know and love so much, God offers David a choice of 3 options. Door number 1? A famine of 7 years on his people. Door number 2? Flee from your enemies for 3 months. And Door number 3? A pestilence on your people for 3 days.

-So of course David picks the shortest one (gotta be a sucker bet) and God sends a pestilence that kills 70,000 of David's men... but of course leaves David completely unharmed (that'll teach him!).

Bet you'll count how many people you have correctly next time, a.,sshole!

1:1 Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

1:2 Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.

1:3 So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.

1:4 And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.

-Right off the bat, first 4 verses. Old Man David is cold and dying, so they bring in a virgin to sex him up and make him warmer (ever hear of a blanket? Ba-Zing!)



1:7 And he conferred with Joab the son of Zeruiah, and with Abiathar the priest: and they following Adonijah helped him.

1:8 But Zadok the priest, and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, and Nathan the prophet, and Shimei, and Rei, and the mighty men which belonged to David, were not with Adonijah...

-This goes on for a chapter or two, where apparently the author had a whole bunch of celebrity names on a sheet and just felt like name dropping. Or perhaps he was a girl doodling names of future children and felt like trying them out just to see how they looked.



2:32 And the LORD shall return his blood upon his own head, who fell upon two men more righteous and better than he, and slew them with the sword, my father David not knowing thereof, to wit, Abner the son of Ner, captain of the host of Israel, and Amasa the son of Jether, captain of the host of Judah.

2:33 Their blood shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever:

-I'm having trouble mocking Kings so far, mainly because I'm having trouble understanding it. The dialect of this author is ridiculously cluttered and redundant. All I'm hearing is "he who placeth the pot upon the shelf, being forthwith of said pot, being that the pot is round, the son of Jebad, ruler of Herod, placed forth the pot unto him and slew kindness into the peoples."



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Then David dies and Solomon becomes king. So he immediately kills some relatives (don't ask me why) and the Lord visits him in a dream and offers him anything he wants. So Solomon asks for an "understanding heart" so that he might better judge between good and evil. The Lord is pleased at this unselfish request and gives him the heart, the brains, and the courage (oh wait, that's Wizard of Oz). I mean wealth, long life, and honor. Then Solomon offers thousands of burnt offerings and is met by harlots (this plot line really needs some structure).



The harlots then say:

3:21 And when I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.

-Seriously, 1 Kings appears to have been written by an illiterate 1st grader.



Then the story we've all heard about: there's a dead child and a living child and both harlots are making claim to the living one. So Solomon says "let's cut the kid in half and give each of you a half (wow)." The actual mother says "no give it to her then, I just want the child to live" and the fake mother says "yes, good idea, let's cut the kid in half (really...?)."

So Solomon is able to tell the real mother from the fake and gives the child the real mother. Then Solomon is praised for his "wisdom" in handling the situation.



Many chapters praising Solomon for being the wisest man in the world and listing all the many material possessions he had and the specifics of the giant house made of gold he built.



8:5 And king Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel, that were assembled unto him, were with him before the ark, sacrificing sheep and oxen, that could not be told nor numbered for multitude.

-Solomon has the biggest sacrificial house warming party the world has ever known.



You're lucky I'm only using this pic. Google "Bible animal sacrifice pics" to see a wonderful selection. People drinking the blood from a goat's severed neck, or washing themselves with blood.

(At this point, my browser messed up and all that was after this point was deleted, so allow me a quick catch up of what was erased)



11:3 And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.

-Solomon is warned that his "strange wives with their odd incense burning and foreign gods" will lead him away from God. So Solomon "the wisest man in the world" denies God and worships foreign Gods. So God get pissed and empowers the enemies of Israel, "stirring up adversaries" to rebel against Solomon. And so Solomon died... of natural causes 40 years later.



Then a prophet comes to town, and says something about someone somewhere, then leaves. But on his way out of town a man invites him to his house for food and drink.

13:15 Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread.

13:16 And he said, I may not return with thee, nor go in with thee: neither will I eat bread nor drink water with thee in this place:

13:17 For it was said to me by the word of the LORD, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there

-And back and forth going "The Lord said for me not to eat food and drink." And the other guy going "well I'm also a prophet and the Lord told me he changed his mind and that you can have food and drink." Until Prophet Number 1 decides to have food and drink. So God kills him via lion.

13:24 And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him

-Moral of the story: DON'T HAVE FOOD AND DRINK!



Jeroboam is worried that God might kill his sick child, so he disguises his wife and sends her to Shiloh seeking a prophet. But the Lord beats her to the prophet and tells her that because Jeroboam has angered Him with all his sinning and lovingly informs her that:

for thou hast gone and made thee other gods, and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast me behind thy back:

14:10 Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.

14:11 Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it.

14:12 Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die.

-Enjoy! You will all die and dogs and birds will eat your corpses and your sick child will die the moment you step foot back into your city. Because the LORD hath spoken it. Now kneel before me, bitch!



14:17 And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died;

-Because at this point, we all know:

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14:24 And there were also sodomites in the land: and they did according to all the abominations of the nations which the LORD cast out before the children of Israel.

-God clearly embraces homosexuals with open arms.



15:3 And he walked in all the sins of his father, which he had done before him: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father.

-This is repeated throughout Kings. That David was the shining example of what God desires and no one else measure up to him. So go back and read about David and know that everything he did was perfectly in accordance with God's wishes.



God commands Baasha to "smite all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD" and then God kills Baasha in the same manner for smiting the house of Jeroboam (what?).



16:19 For his sins which he sinned in doing evil in the sight of the LORD, in walking in the way of Jeroboam, and in his sin which he did, to make Israel to sin.

-Did you get that?



What follows is what sounds like the mumblings of a drunken senile man. Along the lines of "and there was a man named Elijah, and the Lord brought a drought to the land, and ravens brought Elijah food every morning...(grumble)... uhhh, look to the east and hide by a brook in Jordan... grgrmgrmrgr...

17:9 Arise, get thee to Zarephath, which belongeth to Zidon, and dwell there: behold, I have commanded a widow woman there to sustain thee. ...(grumble grumble)...

17:12 And she said, As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.

18:1 And it came to pass after many days, that the word of the LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, Go, shew thyself unto Ahab; and I will send rain upon the earth.

18:2 And Elijah went to shew himself unto Ahab. And there was a sore famine in Samaria.

18:3 And Ahab called Obadiah, which was the governor of his house. (Now Obadiah feared the LORD greatly:

-Is it just me? None of this makes any sense! Go meet this widow, I'm gathering two sticks, let's die! Go shew yourself and it will rain, Elijah shews himself, nothing happens, I fear the Lord greatly!

-I feel like I'm reading the subtitles of a Japanese anime. "He make great fear! No persons know this hands for butter!"



I skimmed the rest of 1 Kings and was bored to tears. Oh, and God killed a few more thousand people. I'm hoping the author of 2 Kings was a different author.

Alright, here we go. 2nd Kings, gonna be better and more coherent than 1st Kings, right?

1:2 And Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber that was in Samaria, and was sick: and he sent messengers, and said unto them, Go, enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease.

1:3 But the angel of the LORD said to Elijah the Tishbite, Arise, go up to meet the messengers of the king of Samaria, and say unto them, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that ye go to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron?

Nope. Same ol' Kings.



Ahaziah gets in trouble with God for seeking out other gods to cure him of his ailments. The prophet Elijah shows up claiming to be the voice of God, so Ahaziah sends out 50 men and a captain to shut him up. Elijah has God consume them in a cloud of fire. So Ahaziah sends out 50 more men and a captain... and Elijah has God consume them as well. So Ahaziah sends out a third group of 50 men and a captain (doesn't seem to "get it"... but the captain of this group falls to his knees and claims fealty to Elijah and his God.

So then God kills Ahaziah for seeking out other Gods. Though it seems to me He could've done this earlier and spared the lives of 102 innocent soldiers doing their duty. But I guess that wouldn't be the bloodthirsty God we've come to know.



2:1 And it came to pass, when the LORD would take up Elijah into heaven by a whirlwind

-Wait, what? You can't just throw that out there, with no prior mention, all nonchalant. Elijah doesn't actually go to heaven, but rather Bethel ...and then Jericho... and then Jordan, because they were met with hostility at every city they went to.



2:8 And Elijah took his mantle, and wrapped it together, and smote the waters, and they were divided hither and thither, so that they two went over on dry ground.

2:11 And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.

-Elijah proves that pretty much anyone can part the seas and walk on dry land, then a chariot of fire (?) flies by them and finally takes Elijah up into heaven via whirlwind (why was all this necessary?).





Elisha (Elijah's son... who apparently wasn't awesome enough to ride the whirlwind ride to heaven) gets on Jericho's good side by throwing salt into what little water they have (yet another drought) and making the water plentiful in the name of the Lord.

-I gotta ask. Why salt? If the item you're throwing in the water is symbolic anyways, why not just wave your hands and do a dance. Why waste salt?



2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.

2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

-Just one of my all time favorite passages. Children mock Elisha's bald head (as children do) so the Lord sends two bears to slaughter all 42 of the children.





All the kings of the area (Edom, Israel, and Judah) rose up against the king of Moab, who was the regional dickhead. But the kings had no food or water in the desert (dynamite planning fellas), so they go to the "prophet" Elisha, who is known for regularly following God on Twitter, to ask what the Lord would have them do. And so Elisha tells them:

3:15 But now bring me a minstrel. And it came to pass, when the minstrel played, that the hand of the LORD came upon him.

3:16 And he said, Thus saith the LORD, Make this valley full of ditches.

-God dammit, Kings. Could you make sense every once in a while? A minstrel plays a tune (must have been a beast of a song to get God's attention) and the Lord says "Make this valley full of ditches." He then expands on this vague nonsense.

-he will deliver the Moabites also into your hand.

3:19 And ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones.

-God orders them to go all Viking on the Moabites and leave nothing intact. Set phasers to Annihilate. And they do, until the king of Moab offers his eldest son as a burnt offering upon the wall. And for some reason this makes them all go home.



Elisha brings a child back to life by:

4:34 And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands: and stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm.

4:35 Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro; and went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes.


-Is anyone else picturing how ridiculous this would look?





A leper comes to the door of Elisha and is told to wash himself seven times in the waters of Jordan... so the leper does so and is healed.

-Soooo, why were the miracles of Jesus so special again? Elisha can part the seas (right after Elijah is swept away), make food and water be plentiful, raise the dead, and heal leprosy. If Elisha says anything remotely insightful while standing on a mound, I'm starting a new religion. Elishians.



Gehazi, a servant of Elisha, makes the ex-leper (alms for an ex-leper!) give him money in Elisha's name... so Elisha curses Gehazi and all his future children with leprosy.

-So Elisha can also CAST leprosy. One up on Jesus in the battle of the messiahs.



6:4 So he went with them. And when they came to Jordan, they cut down wood.

6:5 But as one was felling a beam, the axe head fell into the water: and he cried, and said, Alas, master! for it was borrowed.

6:6 And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim.

-What... the hell? I'm trying to be patient with you 2nd Kings... but spontaneous wood cutting and floating iron axeheads is pushing my boundaries.



6:25 And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver.

-WHAT!?



There was a famine in Samaria so bad that women were boiling and eating their babies.

6:28 And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow.

6:29 So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.

-Apparently the first atheists were from Samaria



And so Elisha says to the starving lepers:

7:1 Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria.

-Everybody, it's ok! Tomorrow someone's gonna sell some flour! One of the listeners makes sarcastic remarks and is later trampled by horses for his insolence.



God sends a 7 year famine on some random people, Elisha convinces a messenger to lie to his king, then kill him, business as usual in the Bible.



9:1 And Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil in thine hand

-Oh boy! Gird up your loins and grab some oil, because you haven't partied until you've partied with a prophet.



God claims that the house of Ahab will meet the same fate as Jeroboam and Baasha... and pisseth on a wall... and dogs will eat corpses... and yada yada.



Joram (king of Judah) rides out to meet Jehu (recently anointed to be king of Israel) and greets him warmly:

9:22 And it came to pass, when Joram saw Jehu, that he said, Is it peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many?

-Booyah! Your mother is a LovePeddler and a witch! I'm guessing this is where the term "jezebel" originated? So then everyone is like "oh shit, it's on!" and flees. But Jehu systematically hunts them down (the kings who were present) and "kills them in their chariots" with his bow.





Jehu then goes to the home of Jezebel, LovePeddler mother of the king he just killed, and:

9:33 And he said, Throw her down. So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot.

9:34 And when he was come in, he did eat and drink, and said, Go, see now this cursed woman, and bury her: for she is a king's daughter.

9:35 And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands.

9:36 Wherefore they came again, and told him. And he said, This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel:

9:37 And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field in the portion of Jezreel; so that they shall not say, This is Jezebel.

-Just delightful. They throw her out the window she was looking out of... where blood splatters everywhere. Then he tramples her with his horse. Then they go enjoy a nice meal, then return to find that her corpse has been eaten by dogs, which is fine since she isn't worth the shit she'll soon become.





Jehu stands at the gates of Samaria and demands that if the people don't want to be killed, they should behead all 70 sons of Ahab and bring the heads to the gate and put them in a pile. Which they do. Then Jehu kills off the rest of Ahab's family. Then he runs into the 42 brothers of the king of Judah and kills them all too. Then he bumps into an old friend on the road, and Jehu demonstrates the "zeal of the Lord" by riding back into Samaria and killing more people.



Then Jehu claims that he is a huge follower of the god Baal and that all the other followers of Baal should meet in a big tent to worship him. And when all of the followers of Baal are in the tent, Jehu has them all killed.



10:30 And the LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel.

-All the killing and deception and beheading was exactly what God wanted.



(I realize how long this one is becoming so I skip ahead some)



Elisha falls deathly ill, so Joash (the king of Israel... seems to be a popular profession in the Bible) comes to him and Elisha says to him:

13:15 Take bow and arrows. And he took unto him bow and arrows.

13:16 And he said to the king of Israel, Put thine hand upon the bow. And he put his hand upon it: and Elisha put his hands upon the king's hands.

13:17 And he said, Open the window eastward. And he opened it. Then Elisha said, Shoot. And he shot. And he said, The arrow of the LORD's deliverance, and the arrow of deliverance from Syria: for thou shalt smite the Syrians in Aphek, till thou have consumed them.

13:18 And he said, Take the arrows. And he took them. And he said unto the king of Israel, Smite upon the ground. And he smote thrice, and stayed.

13:19 And the man of God was wroth with him, and said, Thou shouldest have smitten five or six times; then hadst thou smitten Syria till thou hadst consumed it: whereas now thou shalt smite Syria but thrice.

-Pure brilliance. "Shoot out the window" (Boing) "That's proof that you will smite the Syrians. Now strike the ground with some arrows" (smack smack smack) "You idiot! If you had struck the ground 5 or 6 times (Five OR Six? So there's no magic number) you would've TOTALLY wiped out Syria, but now it will only be a little bit wiped out."





13:21 And it came to pass, as they were burying a man, that, behold, they spied a band of men; and they cast the man into the sepulchre of Elisha: and when the man was let down, and touched the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet.

-WOW. Elisha doesn't even have to be alive to reanimate the dead. I'm throwing my hat in with Elisha.



14:6 But the children of the murderers he slew not: according unto that which is written in the book of the law of Moses, wherein the LORD commanded, saying, The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, nor the children be put to death for the fathers; but every man shall be put to death for his own sin.

-Are you kidding me God? All you do, all day long, in every book... is punish children and future descendents for the sins of their fathers. That's like your favorite curse, next to famine of course.



A lot of kings came into power, a lot of people were killed, and so on. I'm skipping through all the boring stuff.



19:35 And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.

-This isn't (as theists always argue) humans killing humans in the name of the Lord. This is an angel, sent from God, killing 185,000 men while they slept.

...and how does one "arise early in the morning" to discover that they are a dead corpse?



Hezekiah is informed by God that he will die soon, and to get his affairs in order. But Hezekiah prays and pleads with the Lord to let him live. So God goes "ok then" and tells Hezekiah he will add 15 more years onto his life. And as a sign that God will do so, he makes the sun move backward in the sky... making the shadows move in the opposite direction.





Manasseh takes over as king at the age of 12 and delights in pissing God off.

21:6 And he made his son pass through the fire, and observed times, and used enchantments, and dealt with familiar spirits and wizards: he wrought much wickedness in the sight of the LORD, to provoke him to anger.

and he re-erected the altars to Baal and draws pictures of the Lord with penis mustaches, etc. to the point where God says:

21:12 Therefore thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle.

21:13 And I will stretch over Jerusalem the line of Samaria, and the plummet of the house of Ahab: and I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.

-But after all that macho talk, God does nothing. And Manasseh's son eventually takes over and is just as much a dick to God as his father was. Eventually his own people killed him.



Josiah takes over and does God's bidding... which is to tear down all these damn Baal altars again and kill all Baal's followers. But even though Josiah does as he's told, God is still pissed about his grandfather, Manasseh. Seriously.

23:26 Notwithstanding the LORD turned not from the fierceness of his great wrath, wherewith his anger was kindled against Judah, because of all the provocations that Manasseh had provoked him withal.

-Even though mere chapters before, you just said "don't punish children for their father's sins."

1st Chronicles. You ready? Here we go!





The End






Seriously. Staying true to the chronicle part of its name, the 1st half of 1st Chronicles is one long genealogy and the 2nd half is just a recap of all the things the other books have already mentioned. I think the authors knew that most people had fallen asleep already and were trying to catch them up on things.

Or to quote SkepAnnot "The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the 'endless genealogies' that Paul tells us to avoid (see 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9). Wearisome as these chapters are, the rest of the book isn't much better. Consequently, First Chronicles is probably the most boring book in the Bible -- maybe the most boring book in all of literature."



21:1 And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.

-The first mention of Satan by name... and that's all we get. No explanation, nothing. The way I understand it is that the Books as they appear in the Bible are not in chronological order. But still, you'd think whoever arranged the books would put the book introducing Satan (I believe in the book of Job?) before this one.


On to 2nd Chronicles.

2nd Chronicles, here we g......





And I'm back.



First 13 or so chapters of 2nd Chronic (my nickname for this book, not Dr Dre's upcoming album) are yet more recapping of things we've already covered, such as Solomon and his conquests.



13:15 Then the men of Judah gave a shout: and as the men of Judah shouted, it came to pass, that God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah.

13:16 And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand.

13:17 And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men.

-The people of Judah kill 500,000 Israelite men and children (because the Israelis followed Jeroboam's rule, who was not a descendant of David... and God had promised Israel to David forever). Seems these religious wars are increasing in scale.



14:11 And Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. O LORD, thou art our God; let no man prevail against thee.

14:12 So the LORD smote the Ethiopians before Asa, and before Judah; and the Ethiopians fled.

-God kills one million Ethiopians. What are we, like 14 books into the Bible? Nearly every page so far has been a glorified recounting of God's military successes. Call me crazy, but if I were to conceive of a divine book of moral guidance... it certainly wouldn't start off by celebrating the millions and millions of people that were killed in the name of a deity. Not once has the Bible hinted at regret or remorse for all the people killed.



15:13 That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.

-Wow. This is a pretty weighted line. Men, women, and children should be killed if they don't believe.



16:12 And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians.

-Still relevant today. Those who condemn science still seek a doctor rather than pray when it comes to their health.



God tells his people "hang back, I got this one" and makes the Moabites, Ammonites, and Edomites go crazy and fight each other so that the people of Judah didn't even have to do battle.

20:22 And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten.

-Oh yeah... and of course he included the children in the slaughter.





21:11 Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication, and compelled Judah thereto.

21:12 And there came a writing to him from Elijah the prophet...

21:14 Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods:

21:15 And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day.

21:16 Moreover the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians:

21:17 And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king's house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons.

21:18 And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease.

21:19 And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness

-Sooooo, let me get this straight: Jeroham made "high places" which caused everyone to start having an orgy, so Elijah (who had already taken the joyride up to heaven at this point in the story) wrote to him and said "dude, God doesn't like what you did so He's going to plague your people and your family and also your bowels are going to fall out, peace nigga." And not only that, God purposely pissed off the Philistines and the Arabians so that they broke into his house, stole his wives and his children... and then his bowels fell out as promised.

-Seems like the only way out of God's Gang is death.



25:1 Amaziah was twenty and five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned twenty and nine years in Jerusalem. And his mother's name was Jehoaddan of Jerusalem.

25:2 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart.

25:3 Now it came to pass, when the kingdom was established to him, that he slew his servants that had killed the king his father.

-Also very gangsta like, everyone that steps up as God's number 1 seems to have to kill someone before God takes them seriously.



25:11 And Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand.

25:12 And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces.

-What. The Bleep. Now it just seems like God is picking on children specifically. Ten thousand killed... and then ten thousand kept alive so that they can be thrown from a cliff.





26:1 Then all the people of Judah took Uzziah, who was sixteen years old, and made him king in the room of his father Amaziah.

26:4 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Amaziah did.

26:6 And he went forth and warred against the Philistines...

-Once again... gotta get those initiation rites out of the way.



26:16 But when he was strong, his heart was lifted up to his destruction: for he transgressed against the LORD his God, and went into the temple of the LORD to burn incense upon the altar of incense.

26:18 And they withstood Uzziah the king, and said unto him, It appertaineth not unto thee, Uzziah, to burn incense unto the LORD, but to the priests the sons of Aaron, that are consecrated to burn incense: go out of the sanctuary; for thou hast trespassed

26:20 And Azariah the chief priest, and all the priests, looked upon him, and, behold, he was leprous in his forehead, and they thrust him out from thence; yea, himself hasted also to go out, because the LORD had smitten him.

-Amaziah is stoked about his righteous killing of Philistines so he goes to burn some incense for the Lord... and is cursed with leprosy since only priests are allowed to burn incense.

-There's a pattern here. Someone takes over as God's Sword of Wraith, kills someone to prove himself, God goes "I got your back, you don't have to worry about anything ever again," and then God completely turns his back on him for a minor infraction of the rules, and utterly destroys everyone involved. Rinse and repeat.



27:1 Jotham was twenty and five years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem.

27:2 And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Uzziah did: howbeit he entered not into the temple of the LORD

-There's part one and part two. Can we get a trifecta?

27:5 He fought also with the king of the Ammonites, and prevailed against them.

-Booyah!



28:1 Ahaz was twenty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned sixteen years in Jerusalem

28:5 Wherefore the LORD his God delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him, and carried away a great multitude of them captives, and brought them to Damascus. And he was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter.

-Kablammo!





The last few chapters recount the acts of Hezekiah and Manasseh again and mentions all the kings who took over (usually aged 8-12) and died within a decade or two.

Real short and sweet, Ezra is only 10 chapters long.



2:63 And the Tirshatha said unto them, that they should not eat of the most holy things, till there stood up a priest with Urim and with Thummim.

-This is the fourth time so far that the Bible mentions the Urim and the Thummim (aka the magic seeing stones that Joseph Smith uses to read from the magic plates in the Book of Mormon). It's weird that it's never discussed in the Judeo-Christian religions.



9:2 For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea, the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass.

-God is pissed that the holy lineage of Jews is being mixed with foreigners. Strange, this sounds very similar to... oh... I don't know...


HITLER!




Bonus: If you google "hitler divine race" the first result is my old post on this forum.


That's it. The message of the Book of Ezra is: Jews should only sleep with other Jews to maintain the Seed of Righteousness.

Bam bam, we're knocking out these books left and right.

Edit: I'm tired of trying to figure out how to keep these 2 posts separate, so here's a 2 for 1 deal.






The only thing noteworthy in Nehemiah (besides that awesome pic I found) is that it has the same list of "names and numbers of children of the province" as Ezra had... and as SkeptAnnot (can't improve on perfection so why try?) states:

"Here we find the same long, boring list that is given in the second chapter of Ezra. The only interesting thing about these two lists is that they directly contradict one another. For instance, Neh.7:10 says that 652 children of Arah returned from captivity in Babylon, while Ezra 2:5 says that 775 of them returned. There are 15 similar contradictions between the two accounts. "

Nothing like contradictions in juxtaposed books to exhibit how "divinely inspired" this hunk of crap is.


On to the next one.