I want to know if it is worth fighting for your relationship after an affair?

Does it ever get normal again?

What is love without total trust?

We are not yet married,and I am really battling staying in the relationship after the whole hell of finding out about the affair.Despite forgiving her,I still feel some emptiness in me,I feel this hole inside me that just wont go away.

I still love her,but I can no longer boast about her,the feeling of seeing her as special is gone.I am still trying to see if I can really let go or just move on.If I move on,I am afraid I may not be the same again.I gave my all to this lady,I almost lost my social life because of her.

Is it worth staying in relationship outside marriage after an affair?

Ure not yet married and u already have this feeling. Pray fr Guidance. It might nt be worth it.

@op
there is definately life after an affair.the two sides to the coin are either the love gets stronger cause more love and care would be shown to prevent such act from occuring again or the love dries up. My own opinon is that you forgive your spouce,yes it will take long to heal your pain and trust her again,but since you said you still love her then give her another chance and find out what made her do such,but if she isnt remorseful then you need to have a second thought. Good luck,

@OP
IMHO, there is no way it can ever get better, the damage has been done and you will NEVER get that piece of your heart back, its GONE!!!!

my stand on cheating is very simple: if someone has the audacity to disrespect me like that, disregard my love like that, throw away whatever we have for some fling, then that person has no business being with me as she is more an enemy than a friend.
or look at it this way: your girl took your love into her hands, looked at it, then threw it on the floor and decided to go and pick up some random fling that SHE believed was more valuable than your love.

its never easy but walking away NOW, will be ten times easier than walking away later. she has already proved what kind of person she is, the choice is yours. we only have ONE CHANCE at life, so if some people are not ready to make it RIGHT (by you), RESPECT you, be HONEST towards you. . . . . . then dont waste your life with them.

MRbrownJAY

I couldn't have said it any better.Totally, completely, 100% agree

Thanks for your replies.

@MRbrownzJAY
the matter is actually before an elderly person that has been keeping an eye on us.She confessed to her before i found out,and i have confirmed from the her too.But the damage and the effects are done already,for now i am kind of neutral trying to find a concrete reason to stay or move, right now i am not even emotionally stable to hear any version of the story.And yes you were right on point.How can one just throw away something we've built for so long.

Just neutral for now.

@taryour
I am seeing it that way.I fear i may not be patient enof to wait for it.i am just confused right now.I mean what will make i lady do that and still don't want to let go.The shock is killing me.

@op
i can only imagine how u feel right now. Keep this in mind,for that woman to confess even befor you got wind of it means she totaly regrets her actions and is remorseful,i am a woman and i tell u this,its not easy for a woman to make confetions except we truely love the man. Women keep a whole lot of secret. Some women,even when you catch them in the act will go the extent of swearing even wit the holy bible and tell u to your face that what you saw isnt true,so for her to take that bold step and cofess is enuf reason to be given another chance. Remember if you leave her,the next woman could be far worse than her and you end up regreting ever leaving the woman you truely love. Give LOVE the chance to heal your wounds and let it all melt away,it will definately take time but you will sail true. Best of luck

Please let her go. Just thank your stars she didn't do this after you put a ring on her fingers. There is no point taking a woman that is irreparably blemished in your eyes to the alter. You will never forget her cheating and that will continue to haunt your marriage. I am sorry that you have to start afresh but consider this a blessing in disguise.

@OP
i know what you are thinking right now. you see all the castle in the sand that you have built with this women over the years, even think of all the happy times shared together and you find it difficult to give it up and start all over again. sadly this is called LIFE! a hard learning experience but something that most have to go through someday or another. REJOICE and move on from this a stronger wiser man. believe me there are many great women out there who will cherish you (and your love) FULLY.

@Taryour
what you wrote above is laughable. it is CERTAIN that he will meet someone better than this cheating woman, unless you claim that all women are disrespectful lying cheats? the catch is for him to CHOOSE WISELY in the future. the OP's ex was NO GOOD, it doesnt matter how "great" she may have been because it was overshadowed by her DECEIT, DISHONESTY and LACK OF RESPECT. . . . . .  .these are the necessary foundations of any relationship and she failed miserably. how can imagine what she will do when honeymoon blues is over and the spark of marriage starts top run off.

this man can NEVER regret leaving this woman (unless he accept her cheating). . . . . .  . . . . . and the future for him (without her) can ONLY be brighter.

@poster, You seem to already know the answer to your question. Because you said it all, What Is Love Without Trust? Moving on is very painful but learning to let go for the right reasons will only make you stronger and grow as a person. Good Luck!

@MrBrownJAY

You know is hard to just walk away.after years of total commitment,years of sacrifice and efforts.Walking away and starting all over again is the problem.Is it better out there?It will take God's grace to put such effort into another relationship, still cracking my head.

Men i tire for the whole thing, wetin she want i no give, i never recover from the shock.Men i have never been in a state like this before.I tried to find out why,but no explanation is getting into my ****ed up head.The problem is that i still love this girl,but the trust part is killing me.She has really been a good friend,i just don't know what went wrong.

How long does it take to recover from a heartbreak, LOL, heartbreak counselor,the thing don reach your door, lol, i am dying and i am laughing.

^^bro, as hard as you will try to make sense of this unfortunate incident, there is NO excuse for cheating. therefore whatever reason she gives you is pointless. is somebody has reasons for disrespecting you and your union like that then there is no more reason being with them.

there is one important point you have to remember: you are NOT to blame, you can only be the best you can be and hope that the people you share your life with are the same. you did everything in your power to make this r/ship work, you gave her everything that you could to make this union work, and yet that was NOT enough for her OR she needed something "special" that you didnt possess. so as hard as it may be, you MUST let go because you got the proof that she needs more than you can offer. i know it aint easy to let go but the simple rule is to disregard whatever signals your HEART is sending you, and now USE YOUR BRAIN.

normally we tend to let our heart control our emotions (which is ok so long as everything is fine) but the minute there is trouble, your brain should override anything your heart is asking you to do. just because you love someone, doesnt mean you have to be with them, some love are not meant to be. some love are very dangerous and even deadly, lol!

btw even if you forgive her and mysteriously continue this r/ship, you would never be able to trust her fully again (which is understandable). the day she will be late or away, you will automatically think she is bed hopping again, every time there is a fight you will be quick to throw this issue at her etc.

Isn't this like an eye opener? Don't we pray for such things to be revealed to us before we get married? I've never heard of someone who cheated before marriage, changing during the marriage. You deserve better.

stillwater:

Isn't this like an eye opener? Don't we pray for such things to be revealed to us before we get married? I've never heard of someone who cheated before marriage, changing during the marriage. You deserve better.

GBAM!!! I hope the OP is strong enough to overcome his strong emotions and recognize that this woman isn't his future wife. The sooner he realizes this, the faster the healing process can start. This is the type of woman that will bring a bastard child home for you to raise as your own.

You caught her this time. How many time has she gotten away with it? How many times will she go uncaught?

@poster,life is not always black and white. If u were sleeping with her b4 marriage,u r unfaithful to God. There4 if she's unfaithful to u,take it in ur stride. I'm assuming u're Xtian.

chioma134:

@poster,life is not always black and white. If u were sleeping with her b4 marriage,u r unfaithful to God. There4 if she's unfaithful to u,take it in ur stride. I'm assuming u're Xtian.

^^^^ This here is solid proof that a lot of women are just self-serving hypocrites! So because they both had pre-marital sex, then it's ok for the woman to cheat? So what if he isn't a christian? Chioma, how old are you? 15yrs old?

Really if you cannot get over the shock then you have to let her go. No need punishing both yourselves. I am sure she is remorseful the ball is in your court. Can you forgive and forget or can't you.

chaircover:

@poster, you have to understand that we are all built differently and so no two relationships are the same. Some people can carry on after an affair and some people cant.

No use forcing yourself if you know that it doesn't sit right with you. You are just going to make both you and your wife miserable if you go ahead and marry her, knowing what you do now.

Forget about how many years were put into the relationship. I doubt that any courtship can ever be as long as marriage. Marriage is not a prison and it should be enjoyed by two people who share no inhibitions and are totally free and honest with each other and the importance of trust cannot be overlooked.

All said and done, over time you may learn to live with what has happened but you know yourself better than anyone else. Only you can decide if you want to carry on or call it a day.

Awww!!! Love you Madam CC! I pray for a wife like you oh!

@chaircover
thanks for your reply,i have been expecting your response.I guess the ball is in my court and u are very right an on point.

@chioma134

Premarital sex has nothing to do with unfaithfulness.Anyone that will cheat will cheat,whether they  engage in premarital sex or not, I am a christian, but i am sorry to say i fear "church women" more than women of other religions.I have seen it happen over and over again,and the funniest thing about it is that we do talk about it a lot,fornication and all that in the church,but right now all that is making no sense.

@moremi
I know say na this kind story you no won hear,i have been observing your comments,and i am not surprise at your stance.Thanks,noted.

But the question is, how important is faithfulness in relationship outside marriage?why do girls easily think it's ok to double date or have a backup plan?Just few days ago i was discussing with a female friend and she told me that in a women forum in church, they were asked not to put their "confidence" in men as per relationship,and they should always use there heads in any relationship.Is this not a bad advise,and by confidence  i assumed she was talking about trust because she could not give me the details of the whole gist.

Why is cheating among this naija generation so common, right now i dont care what religion you are when it comes to marriage,na peace i dey find.I don't see too many shit inside church.Well, i guess you can trust no one.Is it  this hard to find someone to trust and someone you love so much.I mean,how do you actually trust people,does it actually exist in practical terms or it is just something we naturally expect within certain context.

What is love,what is trust?Can someone pls answer.

moremi2008:

^^^^ This here is solid proof that a lot of women are just self-serving hypocrites! So because they both had pre-marital sex, then it's ok for the woman to cheat? So what if he isn't a christian? Chioma, how old are you? 15yrs old?

I was trying to point out that d poster has no locus standi to expect faithfulness when he is unfaithful to God. What u sow is what u reap.God is not mocked. Personally,I don't condone any form of cheating,but if u cheat,expect to be cheated and don't try to give us the impression that u're d saint.
I'm not a sinless either but what u don't want to be done to u,don't do to others,including God Almighty.

9lifes:

@chaircover
thanks for your reply,i have been expecting your response.I guess the ball is in my court and u are very right an on point.

@chioma134

Premarital sex has nothing to do with unfaithfulness.Anyone that will cheat will cheat,whether they  engage in premarital sex or not, I am a christian, but i am sorry to say i fear "church women" more than women of other religions.I have seen it happen over and over again,and the funniest thing about it is that we do talk about it a lot,fornication and all that in the church,but right now all that is making no sense.

@moremi
I know say na this kind story you no won hear,i have been observing your comments,and i am not surprise at your stance.Thanks,noted.

But the question is, how important is faithfulness in relationship outside marriage?why do girls easily think it's ok to double date or have a backup plan?Just few days ago i was discussing with a female friend and she told me that in a women forum in church, they were asked not to put their "confidence" in men as per relationship,and they should always use there heads in any relationship.Is this not a bad advise,and by confidence  i assumed she was talking about trust because she could not give me the details of the whole gist.

Why is cheating among this naija generation so common, right now i dont care what religion you are when it comes to marriage,na peace i dey find.I don't see too many poo inside church.Well, i guess you can trust no one.Is it  this hard to find someone to trust and someone you love so much.I mean,how do you actually trust people,does it actually exist in practical terms or it is just something we naturally expect within certain context.

What is love,what is trust?Can someone pls answer.

Church is not christianity. And if that's d way u feel about christianity,then u were never a christian. Hope u find a true answer to ur question.

chioma134:

I was trying to point out that d poster has no locus standi to expect faithfulness when he is unfaithful to God. What u sow is what u reap.God is not mocked. Personally,I don't condone any form of cheating,but if u cheat,expect to be cheated and don't try to give us the impression that u're d saint.
I'm not a sinless either but what u don't want to be done to u,don't do to others,including God Almighty.

Lol . . . you are funny!

Faithfulness to God = Faithfulness to spouse!

Na wa!

chaircover:

Ah Moremi fa fa fa foul    . . . . . . .  .I am not immaculately educated (preferably a lawyer, engineer, doctor or accountant)

I Dont how to cook apon, ila alasepo, efo riro and pound yam!

I am not as pretty as all the girls in your family (and God knows, you have some stunning beauties in your nuclear and extended family)

My mother is not  fashionable and rich enough to compete with your mum considering that they must both wear matching rolexes at the wedding! 

and to add insult to Injury, I am from Ijebu

Madam CC, that's my mum's wahala oh! At the end of the day, she's gonna accept whoever I bring, whether na oyinbo chick or village girl. Now, this Ijebu part is a bit worrisome (i honestly never believed the hype until I dated an Ijebu girl that give me serious headache but that's another story for another day). Anyway we get serious talk about that your sister oh!

9lifes:

@chaircover
thanks for your reply,i have been expecting your response.I guess the ball is in my court and u are very right an on point.

@chioma134

Premarital sex has nothing to do with unfaithfulness.Anyone that will cheat will cheat,whether they  engage in premarital sex or not, I am a christian, but i am sorry to say i fear "church women" more than women of other religions.I have seen it happen over and over again,and the funniest thing about it is that we do talk about it a lot,fornication and all that in the church,but right now all that is making no sense.

@moremi
I know say na this kind story you no won hear,i have been observing your comments,and i am not surprise at your stance.Thanks,noted.

But the question is, how important is faithfulness in relationship outside marriage?why do girls easily think it's ok to double date or have a backup plan?Just few days ago i was discussing with a female friend and she told me that in a women forum in church, they were asked not to put their "confidence" in men as per relationship,and they should always use there heads in any relationship.Is this not a bad advise,and by confidence  i assumed she was talking about trust because she could not give me the details of the whole gist.

Why is cheating among this naija generation so common, right now i dont care what religion you are when it comes to marriage,na peace i dey find.I don't see too many poo inside church.Well, i guess you can trust no one.Is it  this hard to find someone to trust and someone you love so much.I mean,how do you actually trust people,does it actually exist in practical terms or it is just something we naturally expect within certain context.

What is love,what is trust?Can someone pls answer.

I know I am a bit harsh on the ladies on NL but my pain is coming from somewhere. Women play dirty games and it's really painful to guys because they often project a false image of innocence and purity. To be completely honest with myself, I don't blame them. I have a younger sister of marriageable age. She wants to find the right guy really badly but as a woman, there is only so much she can do but wait, look sexy and pray. While she is waiting, she and her friends drive themselves crazy with all kinds of strategies and advice. Truth is, women often have a completely wrong idea of what men want and how to "play the game". That's why they lie, pretend and do really st'pid stuff that hurt us guys.

I broke up with my last serious girlfriend after I discovered that she didn't stop talking to one of her old love interests. I doubt she ever slept with the guy (who knows, though) but the fact that she never told this other guy that she now had a serious boyfriend that was close to proposing and continued talking on the phone with the guy every other day was just really disappointing (especially after we had been dating for over a year and I had introduced her to my mum with intentions of proposing soon!). I only discovered she was still fanning the flames of this old love when God exposed her duplicity and the other guy sent her an iPad for her birthday. She had hinted to me that she wanted an iPad so I had gotten her an iPad as well, in addition to a ton of other really expensive stuff. This is where she now messed up. I bought her a red iPad to match one of the handbags I gave her earlier in the relationship (red and pink are her favorite colors) and a week later, I showed up at her place and found her with a pink Ipad. I started asking questions and the truth finally came out! She kept the pink iPad from the other dude and gave the red iPad to her younger sister! I totally lost it and broke up with her. It wasn't until later after she started asking everybody to beg me that I realized that she didn't really believe me when I said I was going to marry her, even after she had met my entire family, had the keys to my house and I had attended her Dad's funeral dressed in "in-law" aso-ebi! She thought I was only going to play with her and dump her so she kept stringing along the other guy as a back-up! By then it was too late. I just couldn't get over the fact that I was head-over-heels in love with a girl that was talking to another guy at the same time and the guy wasn't even on my level!  

Your GF was probably "playing the game" to make sure she didn't get left high and dry without a husband. Now, here is the problem with what she did. First, she never trusted you and you can't marry a woman that doesn't trust you, especially after you had dated her for that long. Second, I doubt she would have confessed to you if the other guy had worked out. The fact that she had been double-timing means that you had always been fungible to her. I know women well. If they love you, they forget about everything and everyone else, instantly. The fact that she was able to keep this other guy around and then sleep with him means she never loved you. She's only now crying and begging because you're the only one left and she is running the risk of losing both of you.

Bros, it's not your fault that she got caught at her own dirty game. This is the kind of woman that will continue to play games even after you marry her and bring her into your home! Come on dude, she told you she loved you and then opened her legs for another man? Wow! That's just cold. Please, that woman doesn't respect or love you. Just continue to thank your stars you discovered her true self before marriage. Move on abeg or you will just be another mugu.

.

ftmom:




When did apple start making red and pink ipads? In which part of the world is that?

Clearly not in your village because where I live, you can get covers for your ipad in all sorts of colors.

http://store.apple.com/us/product/MD304

.

ftmom:



Apple makes covers in those colors - not ipads

Btw - a civil answer to a civil question is a more mature response. The reference to my village is totally uncalled for.

You know exactly why you made the initial comment and you got the answer you were looking for. Whether it's iPad cover or iPad, I made my point. It's not my fault that you live in a village or that you had a point to prove. Now fcking buzz off! You're annoying me.

@chaircover,u have said alot ot truth.
@Mrbrownjay,if what i wrote is laughable then laugh it all out,i have not in anyway said all women are hypocrites. U are entitilled to your opinion just as i am entitilled to mine.you advice the op to leave the woman he still loves without given her a chance at all,but when you men do the same or even worse you expect we women to forgive you. Lets assume your best male friend as done this to is girlfriend,wunt you be among those pleading to the woman to forgive your friend? There is no perfect humanbeing,people have done worse thing yet they are forgiven. @op
well u have been given alot of advice so the ball is in your court. You alone know excatly what you feel and how much you still love this woman.you can not love two women at the same time.

.