Dear 2nd wife,
What ever happened 2 his 1st wife?
What is it like 2 be a 2nd wife?
Y d fuckin hell did u marry dis fuckin man?
Do u sometimes engage in 3some?

its good she left. for those planning to be second wives please get advice from the first wife except he is a widower

Thank God u finally left him.

For those who have used bible references, please do not pick and choose what verses to throw in someone's face. Your bible also said thou shall not kill and husbands to love thy wives.

Inflicting harm and fear is "loving" thy wives?

I am beginning to understand the rise of atheism. There is nothing worse than a confused believer.

Inked_Nerd:

Actually, I don't have a problem with men. What I have a problem with is a society that encourages women to stay in marriages that are detrimental to their overall mortality--that's what I have a problem with! Because I have chosen to address you and others on this thread as I did does not mean that I have issues with men. That's the one thing that I can't stand about certain people when it comes to addressing domestic violence, especially in Nigeria. A women who speaks out against this sort of issue or advises that an abused spouse shouldn't go back under any circumstance is deemed as a "man hater" or that they have "issues" with men. As a whole, domestic violence between both genders is wrong but to tell some that they need to reconsider leaving because being a single mother will be an difficult task is a heaping load of crap! Yes, it won't be easy but that is the sacrifice that she must make both as a woman and as a mother in order to ensure that both she and her children are safe and out of harms way. What kind of example is that setting for a child when they grow up seeing their father abusing, humiliating, and dehumanizing their mother?!?! If you're the sort of person who would want to stay and reconcile, then good for you but for a woman, especially in Nigeria, that should NEVER be an option. Hardship is always going to be factor in ones life but there is no reason why any human being should ever be subjected to such ill treatment. In a society where women are often regarded as second class citizens telling someone that they should reconsider isn't the best option.



It's nothing more than cultural bigotry. Bashing westerners for having a high divorce rate yet domestic violence and domestic related deaths are running rampant in people's backyards. When a person has children, the needs, benefits, livelihood, and safety of the children should supersede a wayward crumbling marriage riddled with domestic violence. In essence, we're all in the same boat. It's sad that people truly believe that when it comes to marriage it's do or die. If it's not working, then its not working--plain and simple. There's no need to be someone's physical or verbal punching bag.



It's amazing how some of you people use religions as a means of justifying domestic violence. I suppose if/when he kills her, you'll still be saying the same thing.

Beautifully said. I feel sorry for their daughters and sisters.

The worst business in life is to marry a divorcee. Be it a man or a woman. Were you blind when you went in to marry this man knowing fully well that he had or have a wife. Maybe he has money or had money and it blinded you. Or you were the one that drove the first wife away and took over? You need to answer this questions maybe you are receiving back what you did to his first wife.

Many women mortgaged their destiny as a result of hunger. Note women, when you find your true husband, you will know. Poster, check yourself to know if you are the one responsible for the man's attitude towards you or that you picked the man as a result of greed.

Leyelyzo:

29yrs age-difference is not really the issue. And i see no reason why she shouldn't endure and stay those years, hoping for a better marital life with her husband. No marriage is perfect without one form of hitches or the other. Or should she be moving from one man house to the other? Tell me any human that is without any vices, no one is an immaculate. Even she is not perfect herself. Abi she should because of human imperfections refuse to get married or be under the control of any man?

@OP, in as much as divorce is being detested and not advisable, when it get to a point that you think that is the surest escape route out of marital predicament, then go for it. However, mind you, you need to weigh your options very well. Are you ready to be a single mother of four children through out the rest of your life? Or you intend to re-marry in future? If you don't intend to re-marry, have you considered what effects your seperation will have on your children; socially, morally, economically and religiously? [b][/b]If you intend to re-marry, how sure are you that the next man's house you are going will be better of? What effects will that have on your children? Will you have children or not with your new husband, or you think you are too old to bear children?

Sure life can be complex atimes. At this point of your life, you need to be mindful of decisions you take, because not only you will be at the receiving end. Try to see if you can save your marriage. Involve your parents, your husband's people and the elderly ones to talk to your husband. I am sure you must have taken some steps to make sure the marriage works. Try more, you never can tell when the change will come.

However, instead of you dieing in the storm, if you that it has got to that stage, i think you better work out.

Be prayerful to God to lead and guide you aright.

I hate it when ppl talk shit like this. It really drives me crazy. I mean what the H3LL! How can you say the what guarantees the next man will be better? That is the most stewpid thing I have ever heard. For her 12 year old son to ask her to leave the man shows how bad the situation is. It is safer for her and her kids to be free of the bastard.

@ OP, madam you tried. 12 yrs! I for don poison the bastard tey tey!

Daresh:

I hate it when ppl talk shit like this. It really drives me crazy. I mean what the H3LL! How can you say the what guarantees the next man will be better? That is the most stewpid thing I have ever heard. For her 12 year old son to ask her to leave the man shows how bad the situation is. It is safer for her and her kids to be free of the bastard.

@ OP, madam you tried. 12 yrs! I for don poison the bastard tey tey!

Na wa oo

Another thing l find ridiculous is this:

(Time for Expenses on the children)[/color]
Wife, to her husband: So you cant provide for YOUR children? YOUR children need this and that!

([color=#990000]When there is a misunderstanding in the family/marriage)
Wife, to husband: I will leave with MY children. You must not come near MY children! MY children! MY children!! MY children!!!

Question: What suddenly turns "YOUR" children, into "MY" children?
I thought the children belonged to both of them and whoever decides to "elope or take a walk", should be the one visiting the family home to see the children?
Do l sense a "gender-discrimination" here? Just wondering o!

I have read a few posts up there where peeps advised the woman "to leave with HER CHILDREN so as to protect them"!
I ask: protect them from whom? Their FATHER?

If there was violence, its obvious its between the "husband and wife", not between "father and children or mother and children".
If you talk about the "psychological effect of the violence" on the children then you must concur that all you need to do, to stem that violence, is to remove "one of the parties" to the violence, (wife in this case, if she chose to leave or divorce) but it does not extend to removing the children from the home, as well.
Consider a situation where she decides to live separately from the husband ( assuming he is beating her and not the other way round), who then will he fight, once she is out of the equation? NOBODY!

Thus, the children would not witness any further violence in that situation and there is no need to pretend that taking them along will protect them from violence.

The truth of the matter is that women use "taking MY children" as a weapon, a "psychological weapon" against their husband, to punish and traumatize him further.
The result is that a "separation" which could have been possibly reconcilable (when both partners calm down), now becomes a bitter-to-death fight" over custody and assets sharing [color=#990000][/color](since who keeps the children gets to be paid maintenance!

If your children as still with their father, you will get to 'visit them' and men being what they are (easily forgiving), might just throw an arm around you, one day! But if you "punish him" by taking away his children (or even barring him access to them as is the standard practice of "our westernized women" who live abroad), you have deliberately hit him where it hurts and he should be expected to be bitter as long as that situation persists and any possibility of reconciliation is erased!

The is one of the reasons that make "Oyinbo men" very "suicidal and desperate" to the point of killing everyone including himself.

We should also not forget that in the West, divorce is "two-for-ten cent" to the point that you would wonder if they really loved themselves!
How do you explain a man or woman marrying and divorcing five times (Serial Monogamy)? But they see nothing wrong in it, seems it is their culture, just like the African sees nothing wrong in marrying two wives simultaneously! (Polygamy).

At the end of the day, each man/woman has conjugated with more than "one spouse" in their life-time.

I hope spouses would find a way to iron-out issues, in a mature way that would into result into physical violence.
Consider that "TWO cannot 'walk together' (stay married) except THEY AGREE" but how can they agree when each wants to be 'a Captain' of the same Boat?
It is common-sense that Airplanes has one Pilot/Captain (and a "supporting" or assistant Pilot), Ships have one Captain, Companies/Corporate entities have one CEO/COO/Managing Director why not the marriage Boat or Institution?

Lets sit back and think.

Lastpage!

@Daresh:
First, no need to get agitated and insulting, try and maintain some decency in your post! Like you, other people are entitled to voice their opinion.
By the way, did it ever occur to you that "the part about her 12yr old boy saying what you are "acting on", might just be "MADE-UP", to generate sympathy for her story and paint the husband as a Devil? Did you hear it from "the son" himself or have you heard from the accused husband? if you were a Judge in a court of law, is this how you would sentence a man to death-row, based on "just the word" of his accuser? Think again and factor-in "human nature"!

And l am surprised you suggested you will poison the "father of your children"!
First, that makes you a murderer and possibly you get life in Prison or the Gas Chamber.
Secondly, you cant "manufacture" another father for those children and believe me, they would not 'clap for you' in return; it will only convince them that you're the one stoking the trouble all the time!
In that case, the children would have lost both parents (through your action: is this in the best interest of such children, who will now be scattered and fostered by strangers?)
Two Wrongs will never make a Single Right.

Lastpage!

WOMEN WHO HAVE HUSBANDS THAT BEAT THEM SHOULD LEARN TO DEAL WITH SUCH MEN. WAKE UP IN THE NIGHT BEFORE YOU USE SPATULA TO GIVE HIM SOME BEATING OR USE AN IRON TO LEAVE SOME MARK. HE WONT TOUCH YOU AGAIN. VERY SOON SOME WOMEN WILL START POISONING SUCH MEN. GOD HELP US

If the useless old man beat you beat, beat am back, afterall you are still young and should be stronger. I hate it when women just stay and watch a man beat them consistently. If you show him one day that you will not take his beatings lying down, he wont beat you so much again. .

mean guy he shd be taught a lesson

Po baby.

Inked_Nerd: [size=12pt][font=times new roman]

Thanks for pointing out your views on this topic but one key element that you fail to grasp is that both mother and father are very much capable of causing bother physical and emotional harm to their children. I understand where you're going with your argument but there are situations where you will have parents who cause harm both to their spouse and child/children. There are people out there who do need protection from their parent(s) in situations of abuse and domestic violence. You say that people on this thread are advising the OP to take her kids and leave so she can protect them, and I must ask you, what is it that you propose, that she do? Leaves them? This woman who carried these children for 9 months and has nourished them with her body, should leave her children with someone who clearly has no qualms when it comes to inflicting harm on her and causing psychological damage to their children? Yes, I understand that both of them came together to make these children but how many people do you know would leave their kids in such a hostile situation? Now had she just up and left, there would be many people questioning her capabilities as a mother and thus throw further jabs at her by insinuation that she perhaps isn't a good mother for having left her kids if she had an opportunity to take them with her, which would then lead to her being labeled as an unfit mother. You then went on to give a scenario of a mother who decided to leave/divorce her husband but doesn't extend the leave to taking her children with her, and that if the wife is out of the equation then the husband had no one to abuse. While that make sense in theory or the utopia relationship universe you've created, that is not always the case in every abuse case. Like I mentioned, there are parents who extend that abuse to their children. I knew of a guy who's father used to abuse his mother and once the mother was out of the picture, the father transferred the abuse to someone else--his own son! Unfortunately, his mother didn't leave him because she wanted to, she left because she had no choice. Though the court knew of the hostile environment in their relationship, the court granted him custody simply because he made more money than the mother and to them, that automatically sealed the deal as to who the child should be placed with. This guy that I'm telling you about, his father went on to blame him for his mother's [the son's mother] death and for the son's mother divorcing the father, and because of that, he used it as an opportunity to look for another victim. Eventually, the father lost custody of his son because at some point in time, the abuse he had subjected his son to was made known to those who were close to his son. I can name numerous court cases where men [and women] have inflicted harm on their children, some cases which include taking the life of their spouse. You can't automatically assume that the problem is solely between husband and wife. I tell people this all the time, children are not stüpid--they can tell when something is up even when you don't tell them.

You claim that women use taking their children as a weapon, while I will admit some women do that, that's not to say that all women are like that. Men are guilty of this as well--unfortunately, it's very common practice in divorce cases and goes both ways!! You seem to have this pseudo utopia way mentality when it comes to what the outcome of a relationship can be. This whole idea that perhaps sometime down the line, the guy can be easily forgiven and if possible he may throwing an arm around an abuse victim is just nonsense--are you kidding me?!

Who gives a flying fück if a couple marries and divorces five times? The focal point of this argument was based on domestic violence, not couples who have irreconcilable differences [not stemming from domestic violence] and decide then later decide to get back together. Divorcing and remarrying in such a manner is far and few in domestic violence cases hence making your statement both questionable and false. Why should a woman who has endured such dehumanizing treatment be the one who has to visit her children, and yes I said her children because indeed that is what those children are just as they are partner's children as well.

No all issues can be "ironed out". Some things are best left alone so both parties can move on with their lives. So, to answer your question as to whether there is gender discrimination, I would say at times there is gender

bunch of crap and waste of space.
Are you tellings us that a man who paid your dowry and habours you in his house, feeds you and do everything for you has nothing to do with the children because you carried them for 9 months? How idiotic can people sound atimes. So men have no role to play in producing these children.

@Inked Nerd
I think by now, you should be able to "communicate your ideas" to ANYONE without the use of foul language?
I dont like and l dont want to be "abused" since l did not abuse anyone in my contribution or did l?
Rancid comments laced with gutter language (like who gives a f*ck about....) takes the meaning out of an otherwise sensible comment, l hope we will have a better opportunity to discuss issues in "a gentleman fashion".
For now, l wish to avoid getting confrontational for no reason.

Cheers.

Lastpage!

BTW: My explanation was based on the Op's statements. She never said anywhere in her post, "that the father was also abusive towards his children, so l take it that he is NOT". The "fight" was between two of them (father and mother).

Apawa: Am married to a man who has no respect for a woman. We dated for a year and got married. I found out that my opinion doesn't count in the marriage. Its only what he wants that happen n decline advice from anyone at all. I tried to stay and make it work no matter what, in that event we had four kids. This children watch their father beat, insult and frustrate me in order to leave his house every passing day but for their sake I refuse. Mind you am just 35yrs while he's 59. My son who will turn 12 told me one day, mummy why can't you just go instead of taking all this beating for our sake, my husband expect me to just leave like that but I took my children with me but he insist i give them to him. I took the matter court which he didn't expect me to because he felt am weak. Now he's hunting me and threaten to deform me. And for the record I was not his first wife.

@Poster, it is sad to be in a marrage for 1 year being unhappy. You are a strong women to have endured 12 years. I'm glad you have decided to take action upon him. Don't allow him to convince you to give up your children. They wouldn't respect him for what they witness throught out the years. Sometimes slience is deadly....

His eyes are shined now on the power you have. Keep pressing and dont' look back.

May God Bless you!!

no1madman: Dear 2nd wife,
What ever happened 2 his 1st wife?
What is it like 2 be a 2nd wife?
Y d fuckin hell did u marry dis fuckin man?
Do u sometimes engage in 3some?

Why would you concerened yourself about the sex life and being a 2nd wife. Her life is in danger and the only advise you have is
If you want 3some go find him and the 1st wife.
{sighs}

You left so just look forward to the future with your children