I have this lady friend whose hubby has been keeping several extra-marital affairs for as long as they have been married (almost 5-yrs).
Within the 1st month of their marriage, the guy lost his ring. They had to buy a new set.
Several times his phone will ring in the middle of the night, then sometimes he will turn off the phone.
This guy works offshore. On several occassions his wife had contracted stds when he came back from PH where he transits through upon going off or returning home to Lagos.
whenever he is at home, he is with his phone chatting away with his girls whether he is in bed with his wife or not.
The woman has cried her heart out. She thought she wasn't dressing well, or respecting him, or giving him enough sex. Then she would make the move for it but most times the guy would just turn his back on her and tell her he is not in the mood. Then she complained to the closest friend the guy had. This friend told this man's wife point blank that "she is not the problem, that this guy has been a multiple sex partner person ever befor they got married and that she should keep praying for him".
She prays but she is getting more frustrated because there seems not trace of changes, rather, he is increasing his fleet of babes.
The she decided to speak to him about it, but this hubby, would scream at her, to "shut-up", "get out", "leave me alone". On one occassion, he even asked her in a rage saying, "do you think you can stop me"?. And on another occassion, he said to her "if you like develop high blood pressure and kill yourself, I dont care". Once they travelled for a holiday out of Naija, this guy, would log on to facebook and be chatting with is babes, cutting off himself from the family pictures they snapped and sending to his babes about his trip. Amongs these girls, there is one in particular, he started dating before he married his wife and they are still dating.
Recently his uncle visited and on leaving the old man told this wife that "my brother may not be a good husband because he plays outside, but you don't go-away, he loves you". Then the woman asked "does love include faithfullness"? The uncle just smiled and said it is our culture.
The questions she is asking are? (1) Is it a culture of adultry? (2)How does she stay married/faithful/loving him when she knows that he sleeps around and he is not repentant or doesn't care? (3) If she must remain as desires to do, how soes she develop a COLD HEART or COLD FEET towards him as in HOW DO YOU STOP LOVING him?

Everybody please help.

@poster, i can see that the man takes care of his family very well.if she is ok with child bearing, let her be protecting herself from stds that she mentioned by using female condoms. She has her children to take care of cos if anything should happened to her, another woman is waiting to take charge nd ur children will have u to blame. Stop thinking abt it, let him be, get busy with your work. Nd leave everything to God. If mine is caring nd not abusive i wud hve stayed. Dont think of leaving. Aku fecha!!

1) YES to some men, adultery is in their "culture".
2) she doesnt, instead she accepts that this man has no respect for her or their marriage, and simply divorce him.
3) always wear condoms-

Juton: @poster, i can see that the man takes care of his family very well.if she is ok with child bearing, let her be protecting herself from stds that she mentioned by using female condoms. She has her children to take care of cos if anything should happened to her, another woman is waiting to take charge nd ur children will have u to blame. Stop thinking abt it, let him be, get busy with your work. Nd leave everything to God. If mine is caring nd not abusive i wud hve stayed. Dont think of leaving. Aku fecha!!

Seconded! Protect urself!!

@CHAIRCOVER:

Please explain what you mean by being "a dormant wife" and "stepping up your game"

divorce, straight!!!!!!!

(1) Is it a culture of adultry?
There is nothing like the culture of adultery. Do not let anyone deceive you or your friend.

(2)How does she stay married/faithful/loving him when she knows that he sleeps around and he is not repentant or doesn't care?
The choice is hers. She can decide to accept it or decide to take a step and walk out of the relationship. In my book, marriage is to be enjoyed, not endured. The infidelity apart, this relationship is dead. So what do they do together as a couple? What's the point of the relationship? Hopefully, she does not get infected with an STD that will leave a scar for life before she decides to engage her brain. No matter the financial comfort he provides today, it is not worth it.

As for the prayer part, I have often told folks, especially Christians that the greatest gift God has given to man after salvation is the brain and the freewill to make rational decisions. Rather than utilize this wonderful gift (brain), folks would rather wait for God to come down to correct a situation that has a simple fix. smh.

(3) If she must remain as desires to do, how soes she develop a COLD HEART or COLD FEET towards him?
I dunno. I fail to get the point here.

Your friend has a choice let her leave God out of it, God permits divorce on adulterous grounds, if she wants to stay with a cheating man then let her stay and stop crying all around. I dont even know what to say anymore, She can respect herself and leave a man who has no respect for himeself and his marital vows or she can throw her respect away and stay and accept his money ad look away from his infedelity. There is no way to stay and be happy with a cheating spouse, I cannot advice anyone becuase I have been there and nothing you do or try to do will give you peace of mind and happiness. You can dress up, you can cook all the meals you can even kill yourself fact remains he doesnt respect you and he/ she has the problem not you, if you want to continue being disrespected its your choice.

It is not as if seperation is not advisable, my advice is that the lady should protect herself, make herself happy,take care of the children. If she think of leaving, let her plan herself nd get evidence to back her up. Life is precious ooo, protect it. Wht will catch him is still on the way. Let him be nd be happy. Mee the unrepentant man onye mba ozo. Aku fecha o dara awo. Let him know that AIDS IS REAL. WHN IT HAPPENED NA WIFE HE GO CALL. ONYE ARA.

Hey as long as you've decided to live with him, have some fun with it.

Burn his dinner(his share) once in a while. Get a new haircut,work out,

look really hot, and cultivate some new male friends. Go out with the girls

and have them over.

Develop a life independent of him- it may come in handy sometime.

If he's stu.pid enough to leave reciepts around, don't confront him, just

leave the top part with the hotel name somewhere where he'll have to search

to find it(but make sure he finds it and wonders if you saw it). If he cares

about you,he'll notice and fix up,otherwise, he could care less.


Start to put some money aside. Divorce lawyer or a new wardrobe-it's up to you not him.

HMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( short of words).

chaircover: This is a case of having his cake and eating it. He gets the fast jazzy life of loads of girlfriends and also has the steady life of a loving family and a wife to wait on him hand and foot when he comes back home.

After reading so many stories like this on NL, I am even confused about what people expect from marriage. Should it be a life prison sentence that one endures just for the simple reason of making a bad choice, or should it an institution that people enjoy their partner and live happily?

What was Gods plan for us when he created marriage? Was it to suffer or was it to enrich us? So many of us are loosing the plot.

Anyway the only advise I have is this; if you keep on doing something the same way and it is not working, then try another method. One thing that I have discovered is that not all men respond positively to the doormat wife; so you may need step up your game and stop being a walkover.

My fellow women please please please shine your eyes very well and do your columbo investigations very well before you say I do; many of these men are wolves in sheeps clothing. Forget fine boy & fine pocket and look for fine heart instead. It is well.

Sometimes you cannot but think that some women deserve the treatment they get in marriage. Why? They knew their husband to be what he is as a bachelor and still decided to go for him.

Ladies no matter how tough you think you are, if you marry the wrong man, you will be the one to lose out. The same is true for men, the only thing is that he can always move-on without his children clinging-on to him.

you should be happy he does not fornicate, that you will be forgetten those teenager are bad, since it adultry be happy he will come back home, you can likewise do other wise to balance the margine

Maybe she is waiting for HIV before she decides. So she has treated stds more than once and she is still asking for advice? To each their own but to answer the question you posed. I WILL NOT LIVE WITH AN ADULTEROUS HUSBAND. I believe in forgiveness but treating stds a couple of times is a different thing.

Na wah.

Marriage is not by force.

This is why the Bible states it is better not to marry.

And this is why God allowed the get out clause option of divorce.

Why kill yourself softly and slowly and send yourself to an early grave.

You are still lucky all you are getting is treatable STD.

Who is gonna look after your children if you contract something deadlier?

According to the latest health statistics from the Ministry of Health, one in 20 adults in Nigeria has HIV, and one in 3 babies are born HIV positive, so please get your husband to start straping up with you FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE. Heaven helps those who helps themselves bikonu.

chaircover: You are right BB, The STD angle is very important. Lets even remove HIV for a minute and talk about the other STD's; Men are lucky and they almost always know when they have a bacterial STD and can treat themselves straight away, while the first the woman might know about it is when her fertility is negativly affected and may be too late by that time. As women We really need to be selfish sometimes and learn to look after number one

CC, Nairaland don open my eyes, married women and children are really going through a lot in that Nigeria, and these are educated married men in their 20's, 30's and 40's, it is pathetic and sad.

The way I see it, the lady in question has got an especially bad dose of low self esteem.

Why put up with a player? He obviously has no respect for his marriage nor intends to keep the vows he made. If there are no children involved, then what on earth is she waiting for before she ups her sticks and leaves? Or hasn't she got the backbone to support herself and live an independent life? Jeez you'd think we're still in the dark ages.

I agree with the comments that marriage is NOT by force. Wetin? what is she waiting for asides HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis, Cervical Cancer and a host of other nasties?

If that lady has an iota of common sense, she'd walk out and also take this man to the dry-cleaners...Properly!

Enough said!!

Efemena_xy: The way I see it, the lady in question has got an especially bad dose of low self esteem.

Why put up with a player? He obviously has no respect for his marriage nor intends to keep the vows he made. If there are no children involved, then what on earth is she waiting for before she ups her sticks and leaves? Or hasn't she got the backbone to support herself and live an independent life? Jeez you'd think we're still in the dark ages.

I agree with the comments that marriage is NOT by force. Wetin? what is she waiting for asides HIV, AIDS, Hepatitis, Cervical Cancer and a host of other nasties?

If that lady has an iota of common sense, she'd walk out and also take this man to the dry-cleaners...Properly!

Enough said!!

From thousands of hundreds of stories I have read and heard, which is not gonna change for years to come:


Divorce is not part of Nigerian culture for Nigerian women.

Cheating is a part of Nigerian culture/the norm for Nigerian men.

Only Nigerian men can initiate divorce, not the woman, all she hears is to go and build her home and exercise more patience and endure and not let the devil win. . .arrrrggghhhhh

^^ and that is just plain stup!d

well then, if divorce is not on the plates for her because of societal norms, then she might as well get herself a toyboy / lover - abi?

Afterall, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. And while she's at it, she might as well make sure it's covered with a raincoat!

Nonsense!

Look op here is the deal ohh i got one of those men your friend has a cassanova womanizer etc. Your friend has made the most important distiction by realizing that she is not the problem and its hubby that has self control issues. Here is what does not work with these men, fighting with them, is a waste of time, trust me i fought with mine for 18 months straight and no avail nothing came out of it. Here is what i do with my womanizer these days:

1.) I have decided that he cannot make me happy so i find things to do with my son or business that takes my mind off this man
2.) Use condoms tell him you dont want to die simple
3.) Try to encourage time with him and the kids to facilitate family bonding
4.) Take your heart out of this relationship, i mean dont hate him but dont be all into him, if you can take your heart completely out of the relationship
5.) Realize you got a public man that obviously does not belong to you despite your maritial vows.

If you cannot take it anymore just divorce him and move on. Just sharing with you whats working for me. Good luck

Busy_body:
Only Nigerian men can initiate divorce, not the woman, all she hears is to go and build her home and exercise more patience and endure and not let the devil win. . .arrrrggghhhhh

i can find many ways for this woman to get HIM to ask for divorce: let her get herself a few lovers and i am sure he will divorce her sharp sharp! she doesnt even have to s[b]e[/b]x anybody, just hanging around a few guys late at night will do.

sadly, some women have nothing to go for in their life, as they have invested EVERYTHING on their marriages, so they'd rather stay and get publicly humiliated like that, than to start over and being able to proudly look at themselves in the mirror. i weep for the kind of message her children get from such action (if daddy disrespects mama like that, and she accepted it all her life, then it must be RIGHT)!!!!

people in 9ja are so desperate to stay married (and pretend that all is great to the outside world) that they will endure MUCH WORST than what the OP is going through.

MRbrownJAY:

i can find many ways for this woman to get HIM to ask for divorce: let her get herself a few lovers and i am sure he will divorce her sharp sharp! she doesnt even have to s[b]e[/b]x anybody, just hanging around a few guys late at night will do.

sadly, some women have nothing to go for in their life, as they have invested EVERYTHING on their marriages, so they'd rather stay and get publicly humiliated like that, than to start over and being able to proudly look at themselves in the mirror. i weep for the kind of message her children get from such action (if daddy disrespects mama like that, and she accepted it all her life, then it must be RIGHT)!!!!

people in 9ja are so desperate to stay married (and pretend that all is great to the outside world) that they will endure MUCH WORST than what the OP is going through.

I hardly ever agree with your posts but this one is spot on.

CC, your daughter fat ke? can I please have her for just one year I promise to return her in hale and hearty . You have no idea how much I love chubby(believe me, I mean this in a nice way) girls, You have no idea. I had my 8 yr old niece visit me last year and believe me, I just wanted to bath her every single day cos I so love love and love her chubby body , so tey the girl told me one day whilst I was scrubbing her back. . . "Aunty J, you know I am a big girl now and don't need help bathing"

Oh CC you have no idea. I love them chubby ones, sometimes I just cuddle my daughter and hold her so tight because I wanno feel the chubby body. If only I could just have twins with such amazing body, my life will be almost complete but Mr Kadry does not want to hear about twins, infact the thought of twins scares the hell out of him

Lol, CC we can only dream my sister. There is no harm in dreaming. Kadry said he is still going through post "conception" trauma and cannot believe he is able to sleep well these days without anybody waking him up and asking him to pop a pillow behind my back, on the side e.t.c, what about the cooking part, i craved fresh peppersoup almost everyday and this man will prepare it before living home for his business. What about getting him to scrub back in the shower nko? or buckling my sandals and fastening my snickers laces? or having him open the car door and stand there for 10 minutes whilst I arrange my body well and push it out of the car? These days sef, I have to run to catch up with him if we are going out, no more opening car doors for me o

Nope, he said he does not want to go through all that again.

MrbrownJay, God bless you, I wonder what is wrong when i see this kind of mentality. Extremely sad and unfortunate i must say. Why in heavens name should anyone feel so useless and worthless about themselves that they will accept to be humilated, disrespected and pass the same message on to their kids.
Different strokes sha.

chaircover: This is a case of having his cake and eating it. He gets the fast jazzy life of loads of girlfriends and also has the steady life of a loving family and a wife to wait on him hand and foot when he comes back home.

After reading so many stories like this on NL, I am even confused about what people expect from marriage. Should it be a life prison sentence that one endures just for the simple reason of making a bad choice, or should it an institution that people enjoy their partner and live happily?

What was Gods plan for us when he created marriage? Was it to suffer or was it to enrich us? So many of us are loosing the plot.

Anyway the only advise I have is this; if you keep on doing something the same way and it is not working, then try another method. One thing that I have discovered is that not all men respond positively to the doormat wife; so you may need step up your game and stop being a walkover.

My fellow women please please please shine your eyes very well and do your columbo investigations very well before you say I do; many of these men are wolves in sheeps clothing. Forget fine boy & fine pocket and look for fine heart instead. It is well.

Would they listen?

CC God bless You jare, i wish i had a daughter oh, Make i dey plait hair, put ribbon dey touch chicks, this boy at barely 3 is already statring to feel to cool for me, yet my neighbors daughter will always come around and hang out with me, helping me do little errands if I ask or not. Meanwhile the tiny thing that i bent down to born will not even kiss me when his friends are there, can you imagine?