A poster (Lastpage) asked the following questions on another thread.

Who should a spouse listen to, in matters of 'life and death'? Your family or your other spouse?

Should your "Extended" family have so much influence on your "Nuclear" family?

Do we need to re-examine that aspect of our culture?

Let's hear your opinion.

Thank you for raising the topic. I read lastpages's posers and I too thought it's worth discussing. To open up this discussion let me start by saying I wish I could give a straight answer to the questions by saying it is the spouse or the family that one should listen to. Unfortunately, things may not be as straightforward as they seem.

I am for the unity and harmony of spouses. I believe the moment you exchange vows, you belong to each other. Decisions should be taken jointly and adhered to, if there is to be harmony in the home. However, there are certain decisions whose outcome affect not just the two spouses but others as well, whether for good or bad. In such situations, it becomes not just who to listen to, but what sound judgement/counsel to take, wherever or whoever it is coming from.

When faced with a life and death situation, I think discretion and sound judgement (from qualified quarters) should take over. The spouse or family may not be in the best position to offer such at such critical moment (akin to why doctors don't treat their spouses) and it will be foolhardy, if not suicidal, for a spouse to insist his/her decision has to be final. Likewise the family members. I wouldn't want to pitch family against spouses. Neither would I want to totally reject culture as bad in that regard. The overall interest should be the life/health of the person involved and what is best for the person, not some warring egos.

I say this because in the event of death, it's not only the spouse that loses out. The family of the deceased also incurs a great loss. Let me share my story.

I lost a younger brother couple of years ago in a situation like this. Barely weeks into marriage he had to undergo surgery. They lived quite some states away from the rest of the family. No one in my family new what they were going through. Apparently, they decided to keep it nuclear just between the two of them. A couple of months later, he had to undergo a different surgery (life threatening). Still no one knew. He was scheduled for a 3rd surgery before the young wife cried out, but too late. Before we could intervene and organize better medical help, it was just too late. Unfortunately, he didn't make it. All this less than a year after they got married.

Things could have turned out differently if the family was informed and involved. Intervention could have been made before it was late. Perhaps he could have made it. Now, due to negligence, share immaturity and lack of discretion displayed by both, the guy is late and the young lady a widow before 25!

Now let me ask the question: should they have listened to themselves instead of involving the more matured and experienced family in handling the life and death situation? I leave that to the readers. On the other hand, reading the Ogo/Kelvin case, and following my reasoning above, she should have listened to the qualified medical judgement that said 'no more surgeries', which aligns with her husband's view as well, not taking her sister's advice.

Tgirl4real, can you modify the title to "Who should a spouse listen to, in matters of 'life and death'? Family or your other spouse?" or something like that. The present title is too general.

Cheers.

@ Analytical,

You are absolutely on point. my thots exactly but no tym to put it down yet. You did a better job anyway.

Analytical:

Now let me ask the question: should they have listened to themselves instead of involving the more matured and experienced family in handling the life and death situation? I leave that to the readers. On the other hand, reading the Ogo/Kelvin case, and following my reasoning above, she should have listened to the qualified medical judgement that said 'no more surgeries', which aligns with her husband's view as well, not taking her sister's advice.

Sorry about your younger brother. In that situation, they should have voiced out. Apparently they are both still very young and thought seclusion is the best way. In a life threathening situation, I so much believe the entire family sholud be involved ( As in the spouse and the spouse' immediate family members).

Though married, we are still very much a part of our immediate family.

Analytical: Tgirl4real, can you modify the title to "Who should a spouse listen to, in matters of 'life and death'? Family or your other spouse?" or something like that. The present title is too general.

Cheers.

ok.

I had a tough time selecting a topic sef

Sorry o. I no fit think. I just did copy and paste

Tgirl4real:

ok.

I had a tough time selecting picking a topic sef

Try making the last part "Family or spouse". It looks like it's too long.

Analytical: Try making the last part "Family or spouse". It looks like it's too long.

I guess it's ok now. Got to run. Later

What we do in my house is this;simple procedures and check ups is just me and spouse but anything that would mean or lead to "spending a night " at the hospital, we tell my mom and Pil. Works fine for us so far.

I believe in this situation it should not be a question of the "who" to listen to but the "what" to listen to. That is to say that who to listen to should be determined by the type of advice given (is it good or bad, sensible etc); it doesn't matter whether it's coming from your enemy or friend so long as it will be beneficial to you, you should take heed.
Having said this, in order not to cause problem b/w couples, if what the family is saying makes better sense, then you have got to find a way to convince your spouse. Thats my take on this issue.

Tgir4real, thanks for my brother's. Yes you are right. They should have voiced out- on time. If I had written about the incidence in my grief, I probably would have done what Ogo's letter did- push the whole blame on the wife for killing her husband! One great lesson to be learnt out of all these is to be at peace with our family members (both sides) as much as practicable (I note we can't please all).

ifyalways: What we do in my house is this;simple procedures and check ups is just me and spouse but anything that would mean or lead to "spending a night " at the hospital, we tell my mom and Pil. Works fine for us so far.

Great decision. It works. When my wife had an emergency C/S due to complication 2 weeks before EDD, I had to inform my FIL because she is not just my wife, she is someone's precious daugther as well. Yes, as the husband, I signed the form, but I owe it a responsibility to inform them, not that I expected the worst, but I thought it's wise. Moreso, I needed their moral support and prayers at that critical point.

One pertinent question (IMO) is: Why marry someone who does not "love" or trust (or both) your family?
In a matter of life & death I shouldn't have any issue with my spouse consulting her family or mine. Only needs to put me in the light asap.

If you are christian and a believer listen to God, if you are muslim listen to Allah, for the Atheist!!! well, i guess you listen to yourself.

Not husbands not family, we have cases where men kill their wives and women kill their husbands, and family, because of what they would gain kill their brothers,sisters, cousins and so on.

Aparche: I believe in this situation it should not be a question of the "who" to listen to but the "what" to listen to. That is to say that who to listen to should be determined by the type of advice given (is it good or bad, sensible etc); it doesn't matter whether it's coming from your enemy or friend so long as it will be beneficial to you, you should take heed.
Having said this, in order not to cause problem b/w couples, if what the family is saying makes better sense, then you have got to find a way to convince your spouse. Thats my take on this issue.

I agree that one should follow d ryr counsel. But sometimes when ur mind in disarray, u may not know what the right counsel is. What do you do in dis instance?

ronkebp: If you are christian and a believer listen to God, if you are muslim listen to Allah, for the Atheist!!! well, i guess you listen to yourself.

Not husbands not family, we have cases where men kill their wives and women kill their husbands, and family, because of what they would gain kill their brothers,sisters, cousins and so on.

My dear, God will also use someone as a mouthpiece.

Tgirl4real:

My dear, God will also use someone as a mouthpiece.

Not in all cases, sometimes you find your answers in the Bible, Koran, journals and so on. Sometimes the answer can be just staying ''still and quiet''.

I had a question about something february, i was praying for a solution for someone, and that same day, we had a program in church, my dear...the answers i needed was in the book of Isaiah, the same problem was what was preached about, immediately i called that person on getting home and gave her that Bible passage, that was all she did. And that was her ''miracle'' right there.

Most of the time, it is all about connecting to the right people, being at the right place at the right time, focusing on the right things.And somehow deep within us, we just know if something is right or wrong, anybody who pretends not to know is only deceiving himself or herself.

@ Ronke,

I get u

God.... jus put all hope in him

sexyverah: God.... jus put all hope in him

i think the poster mean human being

Well said!

Analytical: Thank you for raising the topic. I read lastpages's posers and I too thought it's worth discussing. To open up this discussion let me start by saying I wish I could give a straight answer to the questions by saying it is the spouse or the family that one should listen to. Unfortunately, things may not be as straightforward as they seem.

I am for the unity and harmony of spouses. I believe the moment you exchange vows, you belong to each other. Decisions should be taken jointly and adhered to, if there is to be harmony in the home. However, there are certain decisions whose outcome affect not just the two spouses but others as well, whether for good or bad. In such situations, it becomes not just who to listen to, but what sound judgement/counsel to take, wherever or whoever it is coming from.

When faced with a life and death situation, I think discretion and sound judgement (from qualified quarters) should take over. The spouse or family may not be in the best position to offer such at such critical moment (akin to why doctors don't treat their spouses) and it will be foolhardy, if not suicidal, for a spouse to insist his/her decision has to be final. Likewise the family members. I wouldn't want to pitch family against spouses. Neither would I want to totally reject culture as bad in that regard. The overall interest should be the life/health of the person involved and what is best for the person, not some warring egos.

I say this because in the event of death, it's not only the spouse that loses out. The family of the deceased also incurs a great loss. Let me share my story.

I lost a younger brother couple of years ago in a situation like this. Barely weeks into marriage he had to undergo surgery. They lived quite some states away from the rest of the family. No one in my family new what they were going through. Apparently, they decided to keep it nuclear just between the two of them. A couple of months later, he had to undergo a different surgery (life threatening). Still no one knew. He was scheduled for a 3rd surgery before the young wife cried out, but too late. Before we could intervene and organize better medical help, it was just too late. Unfortunately, he didn't make it. All this less than a year after they got married.

Things could have turned out differently if the family was informed and involved. Intervention could have been made before it was late. Perhaps he could have made it. Now, due to negligence, share immaturity and lack of discretion displayed by both, the guy is late and the young lady a widow before 25!

Now let me ask the question: should they have listened to themselves instead of involving the more matured and experienced family in handling the life and death situation? I leave that to the readers. On the other hand, reading the Ogo/Kelvin case, and following my reasoning above, she should have listened to the qualified medical judgement that said 'no more surgeries', which aligns with her husband's view as well, not taking her sister's advice.

hmmm

LISTEN TO is the key phrase here. This is not like the medical case exemplified earlier which borders on physical assistance. I'm sure the poster actually means mental resources in decision making aka advice.

Now if it is the resources that make for decision making my personal belief is simple. As a parent, sibling or whatever, you have had 20, 30 or more unfettered years of teaching, enlightenement and experimentation. Once you let your ward go and append the dotted lines your works are put to test. The rocket has left and you cannot call it back in one piece. It simply disintegrates. One advice leads to another until the whole union disintegrates. That's why parenting is important and so hard and that's why I tell folks go for quality not quantity. It takes special grace to get good unions from previously very large, broken or multi-union families.

Taking Å life and death instance gives Å simplistic view of this issue. Now Å real life scenario: wife had Å good job husband did not . he would leave home( not overnight) and never tell her where he was going. even told d wife to her face that anything she & her family had done for him not 2 get would not work. Later he got Å job she lost hers for years. friends and family advised her not to tell her husband when she goes for interviews. She told everyone outright she had left her fate in God that even if he was the one God pass all and she just knew that was the same advice that had probably been given to her husband 2. But dis issue don strain dir marriage. He doesn't still ever say where he is going and his family & friends feels its Ok. So just imagine the kind of advice that can destroy Å marriage but which people think its Å normal advice. In this scenario nobody can be listened to. The lady had best keep her counsel

Marriage is a union of two families- some people esp ladies see it as a means of escape
anyways, in life threatening situations - the extended family deserves to be in the info loop.

in life or death situation, a man should only listen to his own conscious, and make the appropriate moves.

i am of the opinion that a couple (if a xtian couple) should be ONE as specified by the bible and thus they should keep their own counsel. if they have to involve either side of their family in any matter, it should by mutual consent and agreement.

that said, there are many dis-united couples out there where the relationship is so bad they should even not be living together and that's where wisdom comes in.

if you know your husband/wife no longer has your interest at heart because of the issues you have, seek counsel from professionals who are totally neutral and have no vested interest. if you go and start seeking advise from your family, you will be polarizing your marriage further and making matters worse for yourself

Listen Up!!! what will be ...will be! Just put GOD first.

Listening to family members is Good, but how good is it?
Listening to Spouse is also Good, but how good is it?


Here's my arguement
Taking a taxi requires dat u trust the driver of the taxi to take you to your destinatn. abi?

U need to trust ur spouse to take decisions in life and death situations.
However,family members can be INFORMED but not to DECIDE for you/spouse. EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT HE/SHE WANTS.
The family members can give ADVICE but not impose because it's their daughter. This also applies to the man too!

Now, the ultimate ADVICE in case of any critical medical conditions, shld come from competent medical doctor. This should be strictly adhere too.
there should be no compromise on that. Irrespective of what the family thinks...



Conclusion
you know your family better and you know you spouse.
Nobody can decide for you. it depends on wat u want.
But remember to talk to GOD before taking such decisions!

it's well!

I agree 100 %

NaJoke2000: Listen Up!!! what will be ...will be! Just put GOD first.

Listening to family members is Good, but how good is it?
Listening to Spouse is also Good, but how good is it?


Here's my arguement
Taking a taxi requires dat u trust the driver of the taxi to take you to your destinatn. abi?

U need to trust ur spouse to take decisions in life and death situations.
However,family members can be INFORMED but not to DECIDE for you/spouse. EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT HE/SHE WANTS.
The family members can give ADVICE but not impose because it's their daughter. This also applies to the man too!

Now, the ultimate ADVICE in case of any critical medical conditions, shld come from competent medical doctor. This should be strictly adhere too.
there should be no compromise on that. Irrespective of what the family thinks...



Conclusion
you know your family better and you know you spouse.
Nobody can decide for you. it depends on wat u want.
But remember to talk to GOD before taking such decisions!

it's well!

@Theblessed, thanks for your empathy! You sure understand. To say the least, it was devastating for all of us and we still feel the pain. How do you quantify the pain of family gathering months ago to celebrate wedding only to gather some months after for his burial? Tragic. You said it all.

God bless.

@Reference, the key phrase according to the topic is "in matters of life and death" and that changes a lot of things. I think it's beyond just the mental resources.