Long story. It does not matter if there are 6 bags of rice in the house and a cow tied to a stake in my backyard. You call and let people know you are coming ahead of time. It has nothing to do with anything. Not with how much space and how many beds are available or not. My sister has 4 bedrooms in her home does not mean that I can waltz in at anytime. Emergencies happen we know that but you cannot inconvenince people. Yes that is what you are. An immature uncivilized inconvenience is what you are if you think it is okay to knock on someones door anytime you like and it should be okay. Nonsense talk about thisis how we have always done it. Why not go naked to work with a spear tied to yoru back because that is what we did hundreds of years ago. It is so easy to see the people that have no direction in life. My advice to married women especially the Nigerian ones do not let people have the opinion that your home has an open door policy. You need to protect your children and the integrity of your marriage. This applies even to your own family members. The person that will molest your children is not scary barry from next door. It is the uncle or aunty that just shows up at 11pm on saturday night and will get upset if you do not let her hold your child. Set boudaries. Even if you are not there they will gossip amongst themselves and say "that one hmm. You have to call before you go over". That is fine and let them talk. As long as you are a nice person and you are true to yourself don't apologize for expecting them to behave in your home the wasy you train your children to behave. If they have a problem with your rules then go to all the other relatives that will let you act like you have no home training.

This is why when people come from Nigeria to live with their Nigerian families in the US they typically will leave on bad terms and it is always the fault of the family member in the US. You have to be conscious of time and schedule (something that Nigerians mostly lack). You have no idea of boundaries and don't feel that you should improve on what you do not know. I know someone here who housed a Nigerian family. The man did not even bother to tell the person housing him that his wife he brought with him from Nigeria was pregnant. They moved their kids out of their room (something I will not personally do) to house this couple. Trouble started when this man constantly will lie on the couch and even the kids could not sit down and watch tv. Of course Oga of the house was uncomforatbel. He knew if he talked the whole world would hear about how he did not allow the person living with him to watch tv. He eventually told the man but he would still come home from work almost everyday and see the man lying on the couch and the children that were deprived of the room sitting around on the kitchen table because the "visitor" had taken over the living room. This is not even a family member. So imagine what a family member would feel entitled to. They finally left but when I heard the story from a friend of the visiting couple it was that the kind man that allowed then live with him on such short notice did not even let them use his tv. If it was a well trained person you will not even be comfortable just throwing yourself on someones couch. You will defintely tell someone that your wife would be pregnant and would likely give birth in their home. You cannot go through life feeling entitled to things.

Everybody has a different view of life. When you go to someone elses house be conscious of that. For example my children go to bed at 7pm but I cannot tell you the number of times that someone I know will call me at it would be 11pm and they are driving and I can hear the kids screaming in the background. If someone like that comes to live with me and they feel like they can behave the way they want they will be misreable. Since you do not know what is going on in their lives you cannot just assume that it is okay to just show up. I would be embarassed if my little sister who is not married keeps doing that and my brother in law complains though I know he will not. His mother calls before she comes over. When I am in town and I have time to see her I call first to let her know I am coming. I know I am always welcome but you never want to take advantage of someones hospitality even when they are family.

the thing with Nigerians is that they hardly will say what they want to say. They will talk bad about the person that tells you outright please call before you come but then that same person talking about you will be the one hiding the sugar and the snacks so their unwanted visitor will not eat it. Which one is better. The one you plan for and give them all the comfort a welcome guest deserves or the one you do not plan for and they end up leaving feeling like outcasts.

We Nigerians always give excuses for wrong behaviour all in the name of culture. It is only proper to inform your brother that you would be visiting and staying for a week so that his wife can make arrangements. How can you barge into someone's matrimonial home and then you come to nairaland to open a thread on how his wife wasn't very welcoming? Hmmn...
80% of the responsibility for hosting a guest lies on the woman and when she does not do a good job, you will be the one spreading stories about how she did not offer you any food when you arrived, etc Meanwhile, she had no idea that she would be having an additional person on her dinner table that day, hence there was nothing she could offer.

Poster, be reasonable please. He is your brother, quite right and she is your friend but she and their marriage altogether come before you.

Lyk seriously,I cnt beliv pple here r makin a big deal outta his 'sudden' visit.For cryin out loud,dis is his broda's home and he was dia way before she even became a Mrs.Agreed,he shud ve called and let her knw he was comin but if she was a tolerant person,she wud ve seen it as nutin.D prob wit us women is dat we tend to pretend wen we r datin our men,showin gud character and bein so homely to his family but d moment we ve dat ring on our finger,we becum tigresses.It is knwn al over d world dat women marry deir husband's family.Al i can say is dt d SIL is beginning to show her fangs.Abeg,nxt tym jus cal ur bros and tel him instead.U cud try cumin wit ur soap and foodstuffs.LOL.Ignore her pettiness,she is jus a marketwoman.

Why do some people add sentiments to issues like this? How will you not call before going to stay for a week in someone's house? Who cares if it's your brother? Common courtesy demands that you call before going to visit anyone in general, nobody is telling you to fill form, it's just simple manners. What if you get there at night and realize they have traveled Where will you sleep? What if they planned to drink garri that night, since there is no money, don't you know they won't be able to serve u such and will feel embarrassed? There are sometimes that you just need to be alone and not have guests, this happens to everyone once in awhile. Some people won't call for a year and just appear in front of your house (isn't that stupidity). Since you are close, call her and thank her, no need to point out that she acted weird the last time and next time call before going and buy something (even if its only bread). If she acts funny again, she has a problem.

Olalekan 0: By the time you become a mother-in-law,i pray that you'll have to complete forms before visiting your son even though you're an illiterate and cannot operate a phone,

i pray that you'll have to submit yourself to the whims and caprices of your daughter-in-law and wash her panties before she allows you to come visiting a son you gave birth to,

i pray that you'll have to cook,clean and wash the cars of your son's home before his wife allows you to eat from her kitchen,

i pray that you'll have to act as an house-maid before you're accepted in your son's home and neighbours will always have to confirm from your son before believing that you're actually his mother.

All these and many more are my prayers for you,in jesus name i pray,AMEN

Please grow up olalekan, this forum is not for children. You cannot even use "I" the correct way. Nobody is telling anyone to fill forms. Any self respecting mother-in-law will not just barge into her son's house without informing him first, any mom who does this is just a poke noser (simple fact). People should learn to respect others privacy, it does not matter if you are related or not!!!

I also agree that the OP should have let them know she was visiting, it may be that she felt comfortable doing that due to the past welcoming disposition of the in-law, (and yes, times have changed sadly). The OP shouldn't have taken that for granted though. The in-law's reaction seems over the top still (hiding food, the child etc), her coldness withoug the hiding already passed the message me thinks. Next time, call ahead, bring gifts and even if the wife is cold show love to your bro and family for his sake.

Op,

No worry. A time is coming when she would come running to you for help

And you know what to do then

Speaking from experience,I used to be nice to my in laws,cook,play,gist,exchange calls and text with brother in law and sister in law,as a matter of fact for the first 4years of my marriage I had atleast 3 of them living with me,then suddenly aunty africaine became africaine,then came the disrespect in ways that I can't even begin to explain here,it was so bad that I went on fasting and prayer to get them out of my house,and when finally they left after the rains drove out of our former house,we relocated and ever since I have kept them at arms length,abeg I no fit shout. They greet me,I respond,they send text,I ignoremthey once a while to ask for stuff I give wateva I have,when they come round I don't interfere,I just leave them to their brother oh,am not cold or anything oh,I just no want wahala,and so far so good,atleast the friction that existed btw me n hubby bcus of dem is non existent.
So op yes the wife may hav bin petty but maybe its not you,maybe its ur oda siblings,maybe it was a bad time....just give her a little bit of credit.

Africaine: Speaking from experience,I used to be nice to my in laws,cook,play,gist,exchange calls and text with brother in law and sister in law,as a matter of fact for the first 4years of my marriage I had atleast 3 of them living with me,then suddenly aunty africaine became africaine,then came the disrespect in ways that I can't even begin to explain here,it was so bad that I went on fasting and prayer to get them out of my house,and when finally they left after the rains drove out of our former house,we relocated and ever since I have kept them at arms length,abeg I no fit shout. They greet me,I respond,they send text,I ignoremthey once a while to ask for stuff I give wateva I have,when they come round I don't interfere,I just leave them to their brother oh,am not cold or anything oh,I just no want wahala,and so far so good,atleast the friction that existed btw me n hubby bcus of dem is non existent.
So op yes the wife may hav bin petty but maybe its not you,maybe its ur oda siblings,maybe it was a bad time....just give her a little bit of credit.

People like you make marriage look like work. You don't know that by marrying your husband, you've also married his family.

afam4eva:

People like you make marriage look like work. You don't know that by marrying your husband, you've also married his family.

Please keep quiet,Marriage is work,a lot of patience and Work both parties work hard to keep each oda happy,when u marry abeg allow ur in laws to poo on head and say its bcus u married "his family" dats why u shud lose ur sense of self. Are u even married sef?
MscheWwwwwwwwww!

afam4eva:

People like you make marriage look like work. You don't know that by marrying your husband, you've also married his family.

Undisciplined men like you annoy the heck out of me! If you're not man enough to safeguard your house and your wife's sanity from your intruding family members, then why bother with marriage at all? Why don't you move-in with your family and make babies with the family she-goat? Of course, every man wants his wife to be on great terms with his family but there are limits and boundaries to everything. I won't let my family just pop-into my home for extended stays without notice because it is unfair to every occupant of that home. I would expect the same courtesy from her family members.

I guess it's a different issue when you live in a giant Naija house with guest quarters. Otherwise, there's just no excuse for family members that won't leave young married couples alone to enjoy their lives.

moremi2008:

Undisciplined men like you annoy the heck out of me! If you're not man enough to safeguard your house and your wife's sanity from your intruding family members, then why bother with marriage at all? Why don't you move-in with your family and make babies with the family she-goat? Of course, every man wants his wife to be on great terms with his family but there are limits and boundaries to everything. I won't let my family just pop-into my home for extended stays without notice because it is unfair to every occupant of that home. I would expect the same courtesy from her family members.

I guess it's a different issue when you live in a giant Naija house with guest quarters. Otherwise, there's just no excuse for family members that won't leave young married couples alone to enjoy their lives.

At this day and age of marriage breakups and divorce, man must learn to balance affairs between his Immediate family and extended family.

Because when thing go wrong(which will always be) you will still fall back to the-same extended family.

The-same married woman will go complaining they were neglected to her aggrieved in-laws when thing turn sour for her and her husbands.

Such is life.

Africaine:
Please keep quiet,Marriage is work,a lot of patience and Work both parties work hard to keep each oda happy,when u marry abeg allow ur in laws to poo on head and say its bcus u married "his family" dats why u shud lose ur sense of self. Are u even married sef?
MscheWwwwwwwwww!

Marraige is not work. It is supposed to be enjoyed. Just free yourself and live your life one moment at a time before you die over what mother in-law and uncle-inlaw did not do. No be by force to marry.

moremi2008:

Undisciplined men like you annoy the heck out of me! If you're not man enough to safeguard your house and your wife's sanity from your intruding family members, then why bother with marriage at all? Why don't you move-in with your family and make babies with the family she-goat? Of course, every man wants his wife to be on great terms with his family but there are limits and boundaries to everything. I won't let my family just pop-into my home for extended stays without notice because it is unfair to every occupant of that home. I would expect the same courtesy from her family members.

I guess it's a different issue when you live in a giant Naija house with guest quarters. Otherwise, there's just no excuse for family members that won't leave young married couples alone to enjoy their lives.

Na from where you dey you take know say i dey undisciplined. How very undisciplined of you. Why not hold an AK-47 and stand in front of your gate waiting to attack any in-law that comes close because you're the first person to get married. By the time your husband decides to kick your azz out of his house, it's still the same relatives that you'll run to.

Really enjoying this thread with funny replies from the men

afam4eva:

Na from where you dey you take know say i dey undisciplined. How very undisciplined of you. Why not hold an AK-47 and stand in front of your gate waiting to attack any in-law that comes close because you're the first person to get married. By the time your husband decides to kick your azz out of his house, it's still the same relatives that you'll run to.

I guess you also need glasses.

@op To be realistic, u ought to inform your brother of your intended visit irrespective of d relationship u keep or share with him n his wife @ least 2days before d visit except it is an impromptu visit for u wr u are still required to inform dem @ least hours before showing up except in extreme emergency situation.

That being said the wife on d other hand definitely do not need to be hostile to her BIL especially one she was once close to even if she was unprepared or uninformed. Think about it peeps if d guy called before visiting will he be told not to come? Answer is definitely NO.... Does that mean d wife wouldn't react the same she did? Maybe or maybe not. But my guess is she will still act d same way. It all goes down to manners. That he did not called does not make him a stranger or to be treated that awful n that he call does not mean she will be hospitable towards him.

So are you telling me that every BILs that have had similar experience with their SILs also did not give prior notice before their visits too? Or is it just something rampant among women generally? Selfishness or Ignorance maybe.

In-laws could be disgusting n frustrating but u've got to be cautious around them. They are part of d family n forever dey will be. U can't runaway from that fact. If u find something unpleasing about ur BIL or ur in-laws generally, u iron it out wit ur husband, u don't pick it out on dem directly.

Some of you were trying to raise point that maybe d husband told d wife certain things about his brother which prompts d woman actions rite? D husband welcome his bad - habit brother maybe asking you to ill-treat him while he the husband extend love towards his brother. Who on earth does that? A coward husband and stupid smart wife maybe. Except the husband never told the wife anything bad about his brother and she's acting all alone on her own. If u so wish or ur husband so wish, he should stop his family from visiting. But if he welcome them, ur responsibility is to welcome them also n with love.

@op don't make any attempt to find out if anything was wrong from ur brother. It could make things worse.
Cos if u were my brother n I come to d knowledge of my wife ill-treating u. Trust me I know what I can do. I'll definitely take it hard on her. Keep showing love to both the husband n wife n keep ur distance from d wife as much as u cud. it doesn't mean u stop calling her anyway. Just give her d space she need. She will need u more than u'll ever need her. Trust me. N if u have to visit ur brother @ anytime call d family to inform them n take ur sponge, spoons, brush, cream, and bread as most NL women suggests.

moremi2008,abeg ignore that guy afam or wateva,some people just talk for the fun of it!

Africaine: moremi2008,abeg ignore that guy afam or wateva,some people just talk for the fun of it!

I've given you an advise on how to stay married. It's now left for you to decide what you want to do with it.

Well as a woman I will like to be informed by anybody that is not my blood sibling or that is not as close to me as my blood sibling before they visit. Before you judge hear me out. All things beign equal my sibling will understand if I say I am too tired to cook wash and clean after him or her
[We women need a break some times too] and won't even mind doing stuff for me hubby and the kids. But someone not close enough to me to run errands and that will go back home to announce how BROTHERS wife did not serve my food early or wash my clothes or place my bath water when last I went to visit you have to inform me so I can summon up strength and will to take care of your needs while you are around and at least I can also tell you how I am feeling and what you may have to put up with when you come. But of course if you are like a bro or sis and you are my in law feel free to come oooooooooo. I need company. Mama inlaw and papa in law that won't impregnate me for their son are welcome too.

Ninapha:

inform you for what exactly, to prepare you for the cooking of extra cup of rice or to adjust your dressing code. This is Africa and how you handle issues like this one tells more about who you are in the inside. Most men are guilty of not telling their wives about a visiting friend or relation and to me what should be important is wd he provide the extra things if need be. I wd have objected if its a relation that is coming to live with them besides this is a big brother africa coming to visit. Enough crunches and flavour ice cream for madam and baby.

Note that we are not living in the stone age where there are no phones or access to emails.At least an sms or a call informing his brother of his visit would'nt have been a fault on his side, then it would be clear that it's bad attitude on the woman to have acted cold towards her brother inlaw.
In all, what am saying is that the visitor is wrong for not informing them. the wife cold attitude was uncalled for at least a woman should be kind enough to welcome visitors and treat them with care.

hannydarl: Well as a woman I will like to be informed by anybody that is not my blood sibling or that is not as close to me as my blood sibling before they visit. Before you judge hear me out. All things beign equal my sibling will understand if I say I am too tired to cook wash and clean after him or her
[We women need a break some times too] and won't even mind doing stuff for me hubby and the kids. But someone not close enough to me to run errands and that will go back home to announce how BROTHERS wife did not serve my food early or wash my clothes or place my bath water when last I went to visit you have to inform me so I can summon up strength and will to take care of your needs while you are around and at least I can also tell you how I am feeling and what you may have to put up with when you come. But of course if you are like a bro or sis and you are my in law feel free to come oooooooooo. I need company. Mama inlaw and papa in law that won't impregnate me for their son are welcome too.

Do you know what brother-inlaw means? It means "brother" by marraige. That means your inlaws are now like your own brothers, sisters etc.

hannydarl: Well as a woman I will like to be informed by anybody that is not my blood sibling or that is not as close to me as my blood sibling before they visit. Before you judge hear me out. All things beign equal my sibling will understand if I say I am too tired to cook wash and clean after him or her
[We women need a break some times too] and won't even mind doing stuff for me hubby and the kids. But someone not close enough to me to run errands and that will go back home to announce how BROTHERS wife did not serve my food early or wash my clothes or place my bath water when last I went to visit you have to inform me so I can summon up strength and will to take care of your needs while you are around and at least I can also tell you how I am feeling and what you may have to put up with when you come. But of course if you are like a bro or sis and you are my in law feel free to come oooooooooo. I need company. Mama inlaw and papa in law that won't impregnate me for their son are welcome too.

You forget that your are married into your husband's family.

The more you reject them, the more problem you create for yourself,cos you cannot separate ur husband from his family.

WOMEN and their ways.

If marrying a man means u cannot seperate him from his family,what then is the need for the man to get married,why can't the man just stay with his family forever,why can't he just marry his family.Are women not also humans,should they be treated as slaves all in the name of marrying ur brother.Do u even have sister(s) at all?

LOL, the babe pretended to get married. Now she has gotten her goal, you are just seeing the real person she is. That is why it is better to marry someone who you know her good and bad side, than to marry a so called "good girl", that becomes a devisive monster after a few weeks of marriage. . OP take heart, she had become too comfortable. She doesnt know she needs her inlaws because of the high rate o divorce. Or if tomorrow they need help and you are the only one that can help, she just put a comma to her behavior and the kind of person she is. No one is too small or too big, we dont know tomorrow. There is no excuse to treating inlaws badly because they did not call. She should have let your brother handle that aspect, and should have gone on treating you as well as can be expected. When your brother starts misbehaving tomorrow, nor be una she go run come dey cry to? . Mumu girls.

Beync:

Note that we are not living in the stone age where there are no phones or access to emails.At least an sms or a call informing his brother of his visit would'nt have been a fault on his side, then it would be clear that it's bad attitude on the woman to have acted cold towards her brother inlaw.
In all, what am saying is that the visitor is wrong for not informing them. the wife cold attitude was uncalled for at least a woman should be kind enough to welcome visitors and treat them with care.

Honestly I quite understand where u are coming from but lets us face it, its almost impossible that the man never informed his brother, i suppose the case here is that the brother did not inform his wife and or the brother-in-law did not personally call the brothers wife (Madam) to inform her. Whatever be the case, A good woman would have managed the situation first and later talk it over with the husband. Whats the matter hiding things as if the brother-in-law cannot afford them or forgetting she may also need the assistance of the so called in-laws someday.

Like you said, her attitude was really uncalled for, and it tells alot on how she has been living with her supposed husband if she can do this to a visiting inlaw, whaao that husband is in real soup.

Double post

Ninapha:


Honestly I quite understand where u are coming from but lets us face it, its almost impossible that the man never informed his brother, i suppose the case here is that the brother did not inform his wife and or the brother-in-law did not personally call the brothers wife (Madam) to inform her. Whatever be the case, A good woman would have managed the situation first and later talk it over with the husband. Whats the matter hiding things as if the brother-in-law cannot afford them or forgetting she may also need the assistance of the so called in-laws someday.

Like you said, her attitude was really uncalled for, and it tells alot on how she has been living with her supposed husband if she can do this to a visiting inlaw, whaao that husband is in real soup.

You said it is impossible, the guy himself said he did not call so where are you manufacturing your facts?

One problem people have is that they assume that once it is family, you should be happy to host them. Not so. I love my siblings but seriously if they drop by unexpectedly to stay for a week, it will not be funny. Talk less of my husband's siblings. Apart from the youngest, I have almost nothing in common with them. I'm an introvert and my idea of relaxing in the evening is reading or watching a movie quietly. His siblings are loud and very vocal in their discussions and disagreements (which happens frequently). Being with them long term is tiring.

A little bit of notice would go a long way in preparing me physically and mentally for their presence. After all, when I go to visit my parents, who have plenty of space, I do them the courtesy of calling first. It is simple manners. If it is a few hours visit, I can imagine just dropping by but any longer and a call would be polite. It gives your hosts a heads up so that they can prepare themselves.

Also, sometimes, the fault lies with the husband. He might be informed of the visit and forget to tell the wife who is usually burdened with overwhelming hostess duties in addition to caring for the children.

I have an uncle who is in the habit of forgetting to tell his wife, my aunt, that he is expecting guests. He would wait till the 11th hour and then say casually, "I forgot, So and so are coming over for a meeting or to spend the night" and expect my aunt to do magic. Well one day, my aunt travelled and left me with her four kids. My uncle as usual woke me up and announced that he was expecting guests that would sleep over, handed me some money and disappeared. The guests were a woman and 3 children aged 3, 2 and 1. Seven children below the age of 9, with four below the age of 3 in a flat with no compound. All because of family. And with little notice. And for more than a week. Of course, I had to do the best that I could but all the while, I kept thinking that if I was in my aunt's shoes, that would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Be considerate of others before you impose on them. You have no idea what inconveniences you are putting them through.

Ninapha:


Honestly I quite understand where u are coming from but lets us face it, its almost impossible that the man never informed his brother, i suppose the case here is that the brother did not inform his wife and or the brother-in-law did not personally call the brothers wife (Madam) to inform her. Whatever be the case, A good woman would have managed the situation first and later talk it over with the husband. Whats the matter hiding things as if the brother-in-law cannot afford them or forgetting she may also need the assistance of the so called in-laws someday.

Like you said, her attitude was really uncalled for, and it tells alot on how she has been living with her supposed husband if she can do this to a visiting inlaw, whaao that husband is in real soup.

I think you are mixing it up. The BIL that was visiting was theone buying things and hiding it is the bedroom all the while complaining about the size of meat in the soup amd allowing his harlots wear the madams lingerie. Maybe I missread though

....what an interesting thread!
let me drop this while passing bye....the thinking and the attitude of our present day "modern" ladies is the sole reason why marriages and homes are having serious issues, why can't the SIL discussed d matter with her husband to ensure that such won't happen again, instead of taking "laws"into her hands.
And even if he intentional "refused" to place a call before coming; that's no reason for her to act like that, after all, two wrongs won't make it right!

The truth all dis super ladies need to understand is that whether they like it or not, u can't throw these people away, in fact, u need them like u will always need water!

ibnquasale: ....what an interesting thread!
let me drop this while passing bye....the thinking and the attitude of our present day "modern" ladies is the sole reason why marriages and homes are having serious issues, why can't the SIL discussed d matter with her husband to ensure that such won't happen again, instead of taking "laws"into her hands.
And even if he intentional "refused" to place a call before coming; that's no reason for her to act like that, after all, two wrongs won't make it right!

The truth all dis super ladies need to understand is that whether they like it or not, u can't throw these people away, in fact, u need them like u will always need water!

I've noticed that a lot of men in this forum are in the habit of blaming everything on the "thinking and attitude of our present day "modern" ladies". You guys have issues. You want a polished woman who went to school, can hold her own among her peers, can impress your colleagues with her poise and all that and then you want her to think like your grandmother who didn't leave the village until she was 40. Make up your minds. Which one do you want? If it bothers you so much, look for a remote village and marry one mgbeke there. That will solve your problem with our so called attitudes.

My mother is above 60 and frankly speaking, if you were to drop in without informing her first, no matter who you are, she will scold you (she believes she's old enough to get away with it). The scolding gets the annoyance out of the way so that she can now host you. And if you stay longer than 3 days and you are a frequent visitor, she expects you to fend for yourself. If that is what a modern woman does, that I'm happy to follow in her footsteps.