I would stick with Jason's comment. There was a show today on Inspiration FM and it was about marriage (lots of funny comment though). Marriage is not compulsory and not meant for everyone. Don't allow society, family or friends push you into it. Before you say I do I believe you should have evaluated your partner, ask basic questions, express your fears and opinions over salient issues. Do not say I do while at the back of your mind you are thinking of a divorce when there will be irreconcilable moments. For me, divorce is a selfish act and should be the very last resort after trying out numerous options. People are quick to blame others for bad situations without raising an eyebrow on their own wrongdoings. Please before you say "I DO" shine your eyes.

Let me comment if I may.

For those that don’t know, I am a Christian and I take a biblical – realising that there can be as many interpretations as there are Christians here – view of marriage.

My view put simply, is that marriage is 1. Of God 2. Between a man and a woman 3. For life 4. Divorce permitted – not prescribed - only in the event of adultery and 5. Remarriage allowed only in the event of the death of one of the spouses.

Having said that I am loathe to be dogmatic. A religious spirit can lead to great evils. We are all products of our societies, influences, experiences, beliefs, the things we have seen and heard. How many NL’ers have confessed to change of views based on what they’ve heard on this forum alone?


So, to the question of divorce. And, from the perspective of one who champions marriage.

My first response is not to look for reasons to divorce, it’s to say, “what reasons do you have to marry in the first place”? This discussion should be end to end, and start at the beginning.

From preparing the person, their understanding and their expectations. The benefits to them and the value to society. To ensuring that proper protocols are in place in all respects prior to any "marriage". Many simply get it wrong going in, then look to reason their way out.

I personally consider a lot of the reasons given here for divorce are either spurious and subjective; unhappiness/suffering, or extreme, heinous brutality/hideous diseases/painful death. It is pertinent to note that on this forum, we tend to read almost universally of instances where there are problems, potentially skewing our view of what really obtains in the vast majority of cases, let alone those executed in proper manner.

When the conversation is typically initiated around individual or unique experiences and starts at the point of issues as opposed to inception – after and not before - and is rarely viewed against an objective standard, is it any surprise that many – visitors to this forum alone – are being put off marriage, due to the unbalanced discourse and not realising there is a more wholesome perspective.

I have outlined my view on marriage in points 1-5 above. It seems to me that many want to be able to embrace it without living up to what it entails. Maybe I should have added a 6th point; “it’s sacrificial in nature”.

Instead of re-engineering what marriage, has traditionally represented, why not come up with your own “arrangement”? To my mind, any attempt to “re-engineer” is to me a different head of the same hydra that birthed “gay-marriage”. Those who are God’s are known to him. As are even those who enter into a seemingly traditional arrangement for wrong or with selfish motives.

On the “is marriage worth it for guys thread” I invited proposals for “alternative arrangements” – especially ones that would give the same benefit to society. I am yet to hear. I re-issue that invite here.

Suffice to say, the traditional notion of marriage is treasured and honoured by many. To those that can't deal with it or don't share it, I would say "don't warp what we hold precious, don't pervert what we consider dear". Construct your own arrangements. If you want "gay-marriage" don't take traditional marriage and re-engineer it - heaven knows it abused enough already - formulate and build your own construct. Pleaseleave ours alone. If you can't take it the way it is,don't abuse it, simply opt-out! If you can't deal with the ideal, don't besmirch and deny others of it. It is as we say "not by force"

There’s is nothing wrong with and no downside to a well executed marriage. It’s the people. It's always the people.

Please note, I write with my own worldview in mind, if you subscribe to a different one that is fine. Also bearing in mind that when I use the term “traditional”, I am not ascribing to the historical abuse that was institutionalised before and remained largely entrenched after the biblical marriage came into view. I mean a proper enunciation of scripture. Even if that interpretation is mine!


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"Uxury is Me"

TV01:
I personally consider a lot of the reasons given here for divorce are either spurious and subjective; unhappiness/suffering, or extreme, heinous brutality/hideous diseases/painful death. It is pertinent to note that on this forum, we tend to read almost universally of instances where there are problems, potentially skewing our view of what really obtains in the vast majority of cases, let alone those executed in proper manner.

I have said this before and I will say it again: "You're a bloody empty barrel!" What on earth is the point you're trying to make in your endless epistles? That very real issues of spousal abuse and serial cheating are "spurious and subjective"?!!! What evidence do you have back up this claim? And what argument are you trying to counter with your claims? Nobody has argued that divorce is the solution to every case of marital problems. The vast majority of debates about divorce in this section surround cases that involve significant spousal physical abuse and serial cheating! These aren't issues to dismiss with a bunch of hubris. We thank God that YOUR marriage is wonderful; but that isn't the reality for many married people.

TV01:
Suffice to say, the traditional notion of marriage is treasured and honoured by many. To those that can't deal with it or don't share it, I would say "don't warp what we hold precious, don't pervert what we consider dear". Construct your own arrangements. If you want "gay-marriage" don't take traditional marriage and re-engineer it - heaven knows it abused enough already - formulate and build your own construct. Pleaseleave ours alone. If you can't take it the way it is,don't abuse it, simply opt-out! If you can't deal with the ideal, don't besmirch and deny others of it. It is as we say "not by force"

There’s is nothing wrong with and no downside to a well executed marriage. It’s the people. It's always the people.

I read and re-read your epistle and I struggle to locate a consistent argument. Bros, do you even bother to re-read what you write for consistency and logic? What exactly is your point in the above highlighted paragraph? How is this argument relevant to this thread about divorce? What does gay marriage have to do with the conversation? Where on earth is this "ideal" construct coming from? Your Bible? Your culture (whatever that may be)?! Hahahahaha! How is anybody supposed to respond to arguments that are completely out-of-context and contain nothing solid to hold-on to? So if marriage is "not by force", then divorce is permissible? Is this what you're trying to say? Are you claiming that marriage is a perfect institution, except for the people in the marriage?!!! As in what? That doesn't make sense at all! What is a marriage if it isn't the sum of the two people in the marriage?

Oh my God! You're just as annoying and daft as ever! I see you haven't acquired new neurons since our last "encounter".

It's amazing at times the way some of us conclude on some issues.
As much as i do not support divorce in any way, i still try to be fair and realistic in the way i judge or put down opinions on some issues.
People who have no real life understanding or experience of this kind of issues, i discover some of them just make anyhow comments, God help such people that their sister/daughter (i donot wish them evil)find themselves in similar situation.
I am a very practising believer in Christ Jesus and i know the bible is very much against divorce or even separation bt sometimes, i get torn btw sticking to the commandment in the bible (as regards separation) and watching innocent souls die or suffer some unimaginable pains continually in the hands of a man in the name of (separation/divorce is a sin).
A real life issue is that of a very close friend of mine whose husband has refused her to do any business/job whatsoever. He brings in young girls (even members of their church) to the home and goes as far as having sex with them knowing fully well she is in the house (God help her if she dare says a word). He flogs her with horse whip/beats her at every given opportunity.
There was a time he beat her to the extent that a newly stitched skin tore open (she just had their second child - ceasarian operation)
She kept packing out and coming back after both families must have called a meeting and they reconcile, obviously she neva wished for a divorce but could not undrstand the reasons for his actions.
What broke the camel's back was when she caught him keeping her undies in his briefcase just shortly after they made love together. She raised an alarm (though she received a portion of the whip for doing so), got her undies back and after several blows and rounds of beating, all in one day, i heard about it and called her mother who sent in one of her brothers to go bring her and her children to their family house before she'll be beaten to death.

Now, i read some comments like "Being a single parent is a total disaster"; "As a woman, would you run away from your brother because he beat you?! (I used these examples because love goes beyond sex although, sex is important!) C'mon, what happens in the family STAYS in the family. If you are not ready, for better for worse, then don't make that vow"

Pls for God's sake, lets always think out of the box and dont always think the novels/movies we read and watch are ALL fictions, NO, not all are.

I havent added no spice to this story. I know i have even understated/not atall mentioned some ugly situations that occured before my friend finally packed out (note that there is no time she packs out that she doesnt land in the hospital at least to spend 2days or more).
The first child cannot bear to see a figure like her father's, she screams so hard and when asked, she replies "i tot that's daddy"; all because she witnessed all that happens to her mum.

For those that would appreciate clarity on my position.

Why take the ideal that many hold precious and strive to re-engineer it in an attempt to resolve problems in the middle. Problems which would mostly have been obviated by ensuring a proper foundation was set from the beginning.

An ideal that has served so many, so well, for so long. If you know or feel that you cannot live up to the ideal, simply opt out. Don’t try and dilute it to suit self-serving views and selfish needs if/or when the going gets tough, especially if the tough going is due to poor execution. There is no problem with the ideal

Don’t introduce more reasons for divorce, revisit the criteria and protocols for marriage, thus strengthening the ideal and preserving its benefits and value. Likewise, don’t warp it to include those for whom it is not intended, which will have the same deleterious effect. Both of these moves are wrong – and deleterious - hence my ascribing them to the same hydra.

Rather give them their own construct if they insist. Society has the powers to legislate for its desires. Simply go ahead. Why seek to use that power to pervert a cherished, beneficial and to many a God given institution.

Society has permitted, baby fathers/mothers, common-law unions and civil partnerships. We hear of “starter marriages”, co-habitation, pre-nups, post-nups, FWB, FB’s, Jump-Offs. Keep on constructing if you must. But please leave the ideal for those that cherish it.

I sympathise but I am not moved by the tragic stories - which always speak to issues after the fact and not the very foundation. I have rarely seen any "situation" that could not be traced back to a faulty base.

I sympathise, but don't believe the ideal is flawed or requires re-engineering. To me that makes about as much sense as saying more guns will mean less violence.

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TV01: For those that would appreciate clarity on my position.

Why take the ideal that many hold precious and strive to re-engineer it in an attempt to resolve problems in the middle. Problems which would mostly have been obviated by ensuring a proper foundation was set from the beginning.

An ideal that has served so many, so well, for so long. If you know or feel that you cannot live up to the ideal, simply opt out. Don’t try and dilute it to suit self-serving views and selfish needs if/or when the going gets tough, especially if the tough going is due to poor execution. There is no problem with the ideal

Don’t introduce more reasons for divorce, revisit the criteria and protocols for marriage, thus strengthening the ideal and preserving its benefits and value. Likewise, don’t warp it to include those for whom it is not intended, which will have the same deleterious effect. Both of these moves are wrong – and deleterious - hence my ascribing them to the same hydra.

Rather give them their own construct if they insist. Society has the powers to legislate for its desires. Simply go ahead. Why seek to use that power to pervert a cherished, beneficial and to many a God given institution.

Society has permitted, baby fathers/mothers, common-law unions and civil partnerships. We hear of “starter marriages”, co-habitation, pre-nups, post-nups, FWB, FB’s, Jump-Offs. Keep on constructing if you must. But please leave the ideal for those that cherish it.

I sympathise but I am not moved by the tragic stories - which always speak to issues after the fact and not the very foundation. I have rarely seen any "situation" that could not be traced back to a faulty base.

I sympathise, but don't believe the ideal is flawed or requires re-engineering. To me that makes about as much sense as saying more guns will mean less violence.

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Dude, seriously WTF are you talking about??

What ideals are being changed here? Last I checked, Marriage for many many Nigerians still remains between a man and a woman so again, what is being re-engineered here??

The fact that in the past most people stayed in abusive marriages because they had no recourse does not mean those marriages were the "ideal".

You have to be a one dimensional person, that would explain a lot by the way, to make this asinine statement

Problems which would mostly have been obviated by ensuring a proper foundation was set from the beginning.

Here in the real world my friend, people change. . . . So blaming "lack of proper foundation" is you being disingenuous. . . .using simple, downright juvenile reasoning to answer very complex issues. Except you are clairvoyant, I don't see how anyone can start working today on problems that will occur in the future.

I'll advice you to please step down from cloud nine and come back to the real world, where real life issues aren't either black or white.

Having said that,I'd be remiss in my duty as someone who is a big fan of the the whole "And They lived Happily ever" shtick if I don't say this. . .I am happy to hear you have a wonderful marriage and everything is honky dory for you. Here's to hoping your wife feels the same way.