₦airaland Forum

nahr:
Thank you

nahr:
***

Present day


I bring out my phone and switch it on. Immediately my husband’s call comes in. I pick it this time and listen to my husband’s shaky voice across the line.

“Where are you? Please tell me. You are scaring me.”

“I am not going to kill myself” I assure him. “I am just seeking closure, I want to move on.”

I switch the phone off and slide it inside my bag.
The children’s play is in full swing. Some girls are skipping ropes while some boys kick a dirty ball around. I search the children with my eyes for a familiar face but I can’t find the little boy. Suddenly the ball makes its way towards me and I move away from where I stand by the window to dodge it. The ball bounces off against the wall behind me and the children rush towards the house to retrieve their ball.

I pick up the ball and walk outside the house towards the children. I am surprised to find out that the leader of the group of boys is a girl.

“Here is your ball” I say to her smiling.

The girl collects the ball from me smiling back revealing an endearing gap in front of her teeth. “Thank you ma” she lisps and she bounces off with the boys running after her.

The sun is shining brightly and a gentle breeze serenades me. I return inside the house and bring out the plastic chair. I settle back against it and breathe in the soothing breeze deeply feeling the weight on my chest melting away slowly as I watch the children play.

*

Twelve years ago

Iya Itunu was a fat woman in her late thirties, her house located two streets away from my aunt’s. Her house was a rundown partly built structure tucked behind a church owned by her late husband. She had started her profession in a private owned hospital as a quack nurse popularly known as nurse muyiwa but as time went on, she ventured into her own private practice where she treated people and delivered babies.

She clandestinely took on abortion jobs, which was more of an open secret to everyone and her oldest daughter Itunu was her right hand man, she assisted her mother in running her illegal clinic.

As soon as I stepped inside the one room clinic that morning, my eyes took in the narrow single hospital bed in the middle of the room. A big shelf stood against the wall and on it were arranged different bottles of medications. Beside the bed was a tall stool on which sat a big pack of cotton wool and a set of medical scissors and some cruel looking metal instruments, when I thought about what they might be used for I shuddered.

Iya Itunu instructed me to shed the jeans knee length gown I wore including my underwear and she told my aunt to wait outside. I was given a green checkered armless gown to wear and in the mirror across me I saw my face ashen with fear.

When my aunt had made consultations with her earlier, I had been told that I was not to eat or drink anything before coming. I laid down on the hospital bed my sweaty back sticking to the cold leather.

She went ahead to put on blue latex gloves and tie a black leathery apron over the faded floral gown she wore. Picking up one of the monstrous looking instrument I was told to open my legs wide. Cold air rushed into my exposed inners and I involuntarily closed my legs. She impatiently prodded open my laps with both of her hands and I gritted my teeth as I felt the cold metal penetrating my vagina.

I felt a sharp pain as she suddenly dragged the instrument out and I felt something warm rush out of me. I looked down and saw thick blood flowing out of me and I saw Itunu who was standing beside her mother in an identical apron pick up a tiny rodent like creature covered in blood and slime and she put it inside a black nylon bag.

I was getting weak now and could barely raise my head up as I felt cotton wool being pushed into my vagina to stop the blood. I heard my aunt coming into the room but her voice got fainter as I slipped out of consciousness.

When I woke up, the first thing I saw was the drip attached to my hand. My aunt was sitting beside me on a plastic chair with a pensive look on her face and when she saw that my eyes were opened she stood up and walked to where I was lying.

“Pele how are you now?” she asked.

My mouth was parched and the inner of my thighs felt heavy. The room was clean once more and all the bloody instruments had been cleared. No one could enter the room and know that an abortion had taken place earlier on.

“I am very weak and thirsty ma” I answered.

My eyes found the wall clock and the short hand was on six while the long hand was on 11, it was evening already. A generator sounded noisily outside supplying electricity. A yellow bulb dangled from the ceiling and an old rusty fan swung around lazily cooling the room.

Iya Itunu came inside and she checked my eyes and asked if I could see her clearly. I answered her in the affirmative. The drip was almost empty now and my aunt assisted me to sit up. Itunu came inside holding a small plastic tray containing a bottle of malt, a tin of peak milk and a rubber cup. She poured the malt and milk inside the cup and stirred it with a stainless spoon. I was handed the cup and told to drink everything. The drink slid down my dry throat and I forced the whole content down.

I started feeling sleepy again and I was told to lie down. Before I closed my eyes I saw my aunt wipe tears from her eyes with the tip of her scarf. When I woke up again, the generator was off, power was already restored. I was alone in the room and the drip was already removed. I sat upright and stood up. My legs wobbled beneath me and I sat back against the bed. I stood up and walked slowly to the window and parted the curtain. The sky was dark already and I rested my head against the metal burglary.

I heard someone enter and turned to look at who it was. Iya Itunu called me back to the bed and I sat down.

“Bawo ni? se ara e ti bale nisiyin?” she asked me.

I nodded yes that I felt better. She informed me that my aunt had gone home to prepare what I would eat. My aunt soon returned and Lade was with her carrying a small cooler in a transparent nylon bag. My cousin sat down on the bed beside me and hugged me with tears in her eyes.

“Sorry, how are you now?” she asked quietly.

I told her I was fine and she opened the cooler, it contained concoction rice with boiled egg. Lade spoon fed me and I collected it from her reluctantly. My aunt and Iya Itunu went outside probably to settle the bill. I couldn't finish the food, even though Lade cajoled me it felt like paper in my mouth and I drank the sachet water she brought along. My thighs felt wooden and the cotton wool stuffed inside my vagina made walking uncomfortable.

My aunt came back inside and she told me to stand up and prepare to go home. I was handed my cloth and as I removed the clinic gown, the sight of my naked body in the mirror made me ashamed and I hurriedly slipped my clothes on. An okada man was waiting when I stepped out of the room with my aunt and cousin supporting me. I was helped on the bike and my aunt sat at the back to support me. Lade would have to walk and meet us at home.

Alighting from the okada, I felt warm liquid running down my thighs and I looked down to see a thin red trickle making its way down my legs. It was dark already and I was grateful to the night for concealing my shame. My aunt led me inside and she told me to sit down. She brought out the kerosene stove and lit it. She filled a big stainless kettle with water and sat it on the stove. My head felt light on my neck and I closed my eyes trying to shut the whole world out.

I felt damaged and broken and I believed that God if he existed didn’t care about me. Unconsciously the tears began and I questioned the unfairness of life. Why me? Why did bad things always happen to me? Was I to be barraged with misery till I died? My head throbbed and the tears fell rapidly soaking my face. I heard the door open and Lade came inside, she was carrying the transparent nylon bag and she dropped it on the small stool sitting against the wall. The water boiled and my aunt poured the steaming water inside the small paint bucket we urinate in at night.

I was told to stand up and she helped me take off my clothes. She directed me to sit on the bucket and the heat flowed inside me. I was crying uncontrollably now, the pain was too much to bear. My aunt consoled me as I wriggled, my legs shaking on the floor. It was pure torture. I felt clumps of thick blood passing out from my vagina and my stomach contracted painfully.

I was sweating profusely and in the dimly lantern lit room I saw the tears in my aunt’s eyes. I was helped up from the bucket and placed inside a large round plastic bowl. A bucket of water was placed beside the bowl and Lade took out my sponge and soap and she bathed me. When she was done, she wrapped a clean ankara wrapper around my body. My aunt held out my panties lined with a thick long pad and Lade helped me to put it on. As I stepped inside it, I felt the bleeding start again.

My aunt pulled a big old sweater over my head and she gave me a baggy khaki shorts to wear. She sat me down and handed me steaming ogi in a big plastic cup, I took a spoonful and the sour taste went right to my head.

“I added osanwewe” she said taking in my distorted face. “Drink everything it will flush everything out” she said taking out the soiled bath water in a big black bucket.

Lade was cleaning the floor with a rag and she suddenly asked me “Do you hate her?”

I was astonished. Who was she talking about?

“My mother” she said reading my mind. “She was never there for you and only after your parents died did she show up. She brought you here and the next day you were taken to Alhaja’s place. Barely after a month, these bad things happened to you, first the rape and now an abortion.”

Her voice was trembling as she said this and I saw her wiping her eyes with her hands. I was moved by her tender utterance and I felt bad for making her think poorly of her mother.

Did I hate her mother? I didn't feel any animosity towards my aunt strangely. She had been supportive so far and she never for once blamed me. I believed that what happened to me was beyond her control. It wasn’t her fault so I didn’t hate her. The person I hated was Alhaji. He alone was to blame for my predicament.

“No” I smiled weakly at her, “I don’t hate your mother, she isn’t responsible for what happened to me. I have left everything to God to judge.”

I stood up painfully from my position on the bed and went to her where she stood crying. She lifted her teary face up and hugged me. My aunt came inside and saw us crying. She dropped the bucket in a corner of the room and she joined us in a group hug.

“It’s going to be okay” she said tearfully, “it’s going to be okay you will see.” And with all my heart I willed myself to believe her.