₦airaland Forum

brownie10:
Aaaaaah! Didnt you CC to admire. Aisha, GreatGod, Osisi and all the others with great marriages. Is it me you want to admire. Who couldnt find out the needful before marriage and is crying foul 2 months after. OK then. No problem.

When Im able to, we can connect.

And this is why you have to talk to him now. You are falling down that rabbit hole of blaming yourself. Hear me now brownie10: he is responsible for his actions and him alone. Say this to yourself until you believe it "I am fine and there is nothing wrong with me". Girl the longer you go without letting him know the more pain you cause yourself. Bear in mind talking to him does not translate to forgiving him. It only means you are helping yourself heal while he has to take responsibility for his actions, for changing himself and most importantly making amends to you.

firstEVA:
aren't you taking it too far?

No she's not. Sometimes a break may be what is needed to teach someone a lesson. If that is what works for her then she should go for it. Taking a step back does not mean the marriage is over.

brownie10:


Believe me I have read every single comment as a guest on my phone. I couldnt sleep all night. Even when my eyes were closed, my spirit was restless.

A lot of people were surprised that I was so calm in typing last night. Have you heard about an out of body experience? I dont know how or why but this sudden calm was on me. Yes, there were moments I pulled my hair and sobbed. But I was soon calm again.

Calm as we ate from the same plate last night. Calm as I gave him his breakfast and kissed him bye this morning. Even though my heart is weeping. I am having chest pain as we speak. I feel like my heart is breaking and I so want to cry out my eyes.

But I will keep this pain within for now, while I plan what to do. Because if I cry a tear, then the tears wont stop.

I will be calm o. Cold, calm and calculate what next.


I spent the last hour going through the laptop again. I have seen a third video.

Oh honey, you need to cry. Holding it in and refusing to cry is not a sign of strength. You are married, it is not a competition and sitting back to be cold and calculating is like driving a knife again and again into your heart. You never forget and you never heal. The pain stays and you just end up bitter. I speak from experience and not just cliches. If you stay or leave you must talk to him otherwise somewhere deep down you will feel inadequate. In addition, you need to stop searching for more pain. One video is enough. You do not need to have ten or four. What you have is enough to confront him with and once you have shown them to him I will recommend you delete them. Do not keep an arsenal against your spouse as you will only hurt yourself. You will have to take a leap of faith and so many more leap of faiths as will he with you but if he is a man worth his salt then you won't have cause to regret often and those few times will be far and few. Notice I didn't say you won't have cause to regret at all because that will be me lying to you. In this institution called marriage difficult times arise, times that make us regret sometimes but that feeling is hopefully fleeting. I wish I could reach across this invisible forum and give you a shoulder to cry on but this will have to do. If nothing else sticks take this word of advice find a private place to cry, yell and let it all out. It is amazing how helpful it can be. Again from personal experience I have learnt. Or find something else but do not hold it in.

@brownie10: talk to him, I don't understand how you can go this long without letting him know how he has hurt you. There is only one way you start the healing process it is by confronting him. Whatever you decide you have to talk to him first. Hear him, there is no explanation or justification but there is reconciliation, there is forgiveness and there is the choice to walk away but to take a decision without talking to him is a disservice to you. Your marriage is not over, not unless you want it to be. I am not minimising the pain you feel but if you want that pain to dull then you have to stop hiding and demand an explanation from your husband.

Tapout:
chasing the devil away, yet still inviting him





interesting, ....

I detest ra'pe, but this is just being stupid, she's trying to avoid him and yet she normally goes to his house to while away time, ..who goes to someone's house by 9.30am on a Wednesday to while away time??

please we shouldn't jump into conclusion yet, like some posters have already done...there's more to this story, someone is not just telling the truth.....ra'pe my a'ss she probably has been having an affair with the guy in question, just that this time she wasn't expecting a foursome

Hmm, ur explanation get as e be oh! She was dating one, went to see him and and a foursome she was not expecting occurred but it's not rape. Did she agree to a foursome? Even if she was dating one person where did the other 3 come from? But it is not rape. Una dey fear me oh

cococandy:
I don't understand that feeling nne.

After a stressful day, sex is a relaxer in my opinion. It even helps one sleep better.


Short of lowered libido from aging (but then two couple should be older together) I don't see why work or stress should get in the way of that.

Totally agree with you on this one. When I've had a rough day there are two things I want. A drink and him

sexymamatee:
for we wives we spend most of our days working, cooking, working out, taking care of the family. And, still after all dis, "our husband still expect us to perform d conjugal rite anytime anyday"“
It’s enough to make us curl up in bed and cry, “headache, tired, backpain.”

but all d same we still need to make sure dat wen ever we r bin called upon we r available and not making flimsy excuses dat will chase our husbands away.

But so doing we also satisfy our husbands

Doesn't apply to everyone. It's is a great way to relax for me. In fact it is the best medicine after a stressful day, I can then sleep like a baby

Commenting isn't really my alley but your advice is oh so right on the money. This sums up the most important things to know before you get married. Marriage is not all passion and kisses. There is so much more to it than sex, food and children. It is building a life and becoming one with your partner. Recognising your role, and respecting your partners role but nairaland scares me. The perception that many have with regard to marriage is appaling. Women have unrealistic expectations coupled with low self esteem. Many men have an overinflated ego and the combination is usually disastrous. Hopefully some will take this advice to heart.

"sex is also an emotional thing for women, they cannot just walk up to a guy, romp and leave (except prostitutes ofcourse)"

Why do people always say that like its a fact. For some women sex is tied to their emotions. Speaking for myself it is not. Love and sex are 2 different things. I don't need to love a man to have sex with him. If I am attracted to him physically that's all I need to have sex. I also don't need to love a man to have a relationship with him. Whatever relationship we have must fulfill whatever need I have. The notion that all women are emotional beings is just wrong. Quite frankly I am a "wham bam thank u ma'am" kind of gal (if I was not married ). All dat mushy stuff does not work for me, in actual fact I hate doing anything based on emotions. For me oh I have sex even when fighting my husband. The two have nothing to do with each other. We'll continue our fight in the morning but this itch must be scratched . Personally cheating on me is not a dealbreaker, it is a game changer in a monogamous relationship. I also believe that people can change if they want to and if given the opportunity. I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat for both men and women. There r scores of women who have cheated and their marriages survived. Thing is no one comes out to advertise it while some men it seems enjoy this illusion that women can't have sex just for d sake of having sex, can't/shouldn't cheat or think of it cos it makes her less than a woman. Funny enough it is men who think like this that forgive their wives quickly and hush it all up.

As others have said, you can do this by yourself. I have 3 kids here. My mother could not be with me for the first two months when I had my kids. Hubby worked 2 jobs since I cannot work when pregnant so I was alone. I did it and even hosted in laws when they came to visit the babies. I was in my twenties when I had my kids and I missed my mother but I survived and u will.

@OP, I have been married for 15 years and will relate my xperience with my MIL and how my husband handled it. My relationship with my MIL was ok, I was independent and that did not agree well with my MIL mindset. Fast forward to the real story.
My inlaws marriage was over and they were in the middle of a separation for whatever reason one night she left the apartment and asked my husband if she could stay with us for 1 week. He called me and asked me that his mother needed to stay with us for a wk. we lived in a 2 bedroom and had 3 kids. With no hesitation I said yes, it was late and as far as I was concerned my husbands mother needed help who am I to say no. So set the mattress and made space she came and 1 week turned into a month. I realized there was no end to her stay and started to talk to my husband about finding a 3 bedroom apt. He refused, adamant that if we did that she wouldn't leave and he did not want to make her too comfortable. He wanted her to go. I continued to plead and cajole coz I knew if it was my mum I would want her to have her own space and privacy instead of sharing with kids. Eventually after about 4 months he agreed and when d lease ended we moved into a 3 bedroom and furnished a room for her. Let me add here that this move was a significant increase and I took a second job so we could afford it. There were many pettiness which I swallowed and never mentioned a word to my husband. Stuff like telling my kids I did not know how to cook otherwise I wouldn't be feeding them the kind of food they ate. She made her own meals, woke up at 4 am (no exaggeration) to sweep and clean, tell my oldest daughter I sleep too long (after working 16 hrs). No problem it's all good it's my MIL now so I said nothing. Still working on her behalf begging her son to give her house key coz he refused to didnt what her to be too comfortable (his words). One evening we got home late and she was waiting outside, the first thing she said was "what ur wife is doing by not giving me the house key is not good" I was livid but could not blame her, the eye I gave my husband and walked out on them. I don't know what he told her but he begged me for a long time but still refused to give her key. MIL had a relative visit her for 2 wks from England. I and my husband didn't get the curtesy of being told we would have a visitor. I came home and was introduced to this person. Ok no problem. The end came one evening, my husband asked me to come with him to the auto store so I could sit in the car while he went in the store to buy a new battery. Asked MIL if she didn't mind watching the kids especially baby who was just about 7 months. She said ok, baby started crying as usual and we left. Went down and the car refused to start. He tried to get it to start and it wouldn't. All dis time the baby was crying when it was about 20 mins and he still couldn't get the car to start I suggested taking a taxi while I go back up to calm he child down. Our last born unfortunately has a disease and stress an trigger a crisis so I figured the car is not starting let me go up and carry d child and that is where I went wrong. Got back up said to MIL d car did not start let me carry isoken. She did not answer me, I stretched out my hand to carry baby she pushed me(not play push, a real firm push). I said ha, mummy let me calm dis child down she has been crying since she said its her child am I saying she can't carry her child? I said no ma but she has been crying stretched out my hand and attempted to take my daughter and she hit me and pushed me away. At this point I said "see dis woman oh!behave urself now" I called out to my husband while still trying to pick up d child that was still crying. He came up and I told him d issue. He puts me to the side and goes to his mother asked her to give hike the child so he can carry she refuses and gets up going off on me with all sorts of curses. In my head I am thinking this is d person I work 2 jobs to make comfortable for. Her son is by her side trying to cLm her down and get the child next thing she bends down and pulls my legs I hit my head on the hard wood floor and she was on top of me with my child in one hand and hitting me with the other. My other 2 kids by this time came out of their room so my husband is trying to shield them, yanks the baby from her before pulling her off me. I told my husband "I love you and that is the only reason I did not hit your mother back cow I will kill her but she is gone from my house today, now not tomorrow or the marriage is over. Me or your mother chose" he reminded me she had nowhere to go and I said she should have thought about that before. Then she started to cry and beg me It was d devil. She had no where to go. I told her to go the shelter, but she will not stay in my house and her son can go with her or I leave them in the house and go. I left to my room. He told her to pack her stuff, she crossed the line and she spent a wk in d shelter before finding a place to stay. She then got upset insisting I apologize to her bringing up the I am your mother, and then my husband started to tell her in the presence of the people she brought all d things she did to undermine me in my home and how she attacked me. He made it clear she owed me an apology and if I did not want her in d house he would stand by me. My stand since then with my MIL is to be cordial that's it. I owe her nothing. If I am having an event in my house she can come but no visit or sleep over. I didn't tell my parents and so when my mum was visiting she showed up to d house under the pretext of Visiting and planned to spend the night. When my husband told me I said ok and dropped d phone but d man knows me well knew I was not coming home he showed up at my job to pick me up. I was angry. We got home and he called his mom and my mom told my mom the whole story so she could understand the tension she was sensing on my part and made it clear to his mom to stop being manipulative and to leave first thing in the morning. I have always loved this man and my love and respect for him grew exponentially after that incident. He cares for his mother but does not allow that to affect his role as my husband. And that incident defined and put boundaries on my relTionship with MIL. On a side note the other 2 sons for whom she hand picked wives have both divorced, their wives could not deal with MIL interference and husbands who always deferred to her. I won't tell you what to do but will encourage you to be wise.

pickabeau1: I wish her speedy recovery

The woman's husband is silly to be threatening fire on people that provided help for his wife

He should come to the US

The husband should calm the sitiuation down and take charge

After that they should keep distance from a family tjat is so diabolical and suspecting another of using juju

I tire oh!

One really has to be careful. If only he knows the wahala people r going through for him.

Anyway, her mother has a relative in the US, and she has agreed to take Faith with her (she runs a daycare), she will fly down from LA Friday night to pick her up.

[quote author=soul_glo]It seems this poor women is surrounded by non solution driven people. Her husband is on her case, the husband of the sick woman is on her case and even you her friend can't help but mention that she should not have taken in the woman. Okay she took in the woman. It is done. First thing is for her husband to get on the same side as his wife. Let him be the one communicating with the sick friends husband. Let the husband know that they will give him updates once a week and any other update he can call the hospital directly. If you can help your friend with the new baby then that's great. If her husband can come from Nigeria to get the baby that would be great. If not then he needs to raise money so someone can take the baby back home to Nigeria. As for the sick woman I will say that you guys should stay positive. She is not dead and she has a very good chance of making it through.[/quote]@Soul_glo: thanks for your suggestion regarding her husband being the one to communicate - really think this will go a long way to reduce stress.

regarding the husband of the sick woman coming over, he does not have a visa and cannot afford to travel. The only viable option is for her to take the baby home, but she can't afford to take time off right now and does not have money for the ticket so what we did was to cancel her flight pending when she gets better.

I would never beat my friend while she is down, she knows my opinion on this issue as we have disagreed many times on it and it is mostly because of a scenario like this. I have always been too scared of what can go wrong during childbirth having been there myself and not having my husband at my side. I just wanted those who read this to know my opinion.

We are doing the best we can to care for this little girl (we call her faith), assisting her as much as I can but this is not something I planned for. I have to work and so does she. My job is not that flexible to accommodate the demands of an infant and neither is hers. I have 3 kids of my own and my husband. I have school, and work and so does my friend. At this point we have both shelved registering for our next classes to accommodate this situation. I cannot help but be upset, but at the same time pray that this woman survives this with no permanent damage. That being said, when I hold her in my arms all the worries melt away. She is precious, and I just hope her mum gets well soon to hold her again.

My best friend hosted a friend from Lagos who came to deliver her baby in the US. This is her 3rd child, and all other births have been safe, unfortunately this time was not like the others. First the baby was in distress due to umbilical cord compression and they had to do an emergency C-section to save the child. Mom comes home 2 days after and things are going fine, until it starts to look like she has an infection about a week after, goes to the doctor for a check up and he prescribes antibiotics. 2 days later she is in distress and rushed to the hospital only for the doctors to say sepsis (they have not identified the bacteria); this woman is suffering from multi-organ failure and it is just a waiting game.

Where I need suggestions to help or support my friend.

1. The woman's husband is threatening her saying "nothing must happen to my wife and son", accusing her of using his wife for money. She no longer calls him to give him updates because of the way he talks, she sends text messages.

2. Her husband is very upset because he did not want anyone to come have a baby in their house, but his wife said she could not say no to her friend besides they have done this for her twice before and for many other people why should they stop now. I completely agreed with her husband, I think childbirth is something a couple should do together, but that is my opinion. My friend disagreed and committed herself to this.

3. She has to work and now has an infant to care for that she did not budget for, from food to child care it is taking a toll on her and daily hospital visits. What if this woman dies, or does not recover completely? Sepsis occurs in 1% to 2% of the population and can result in permanent organ damage for those who survive. Death rates are 20% for sepsis and over 60% for septic shock. What if she needs rehab, she does not have any form of insurance and has long run out of money. The medical bills are piling up and though she has applied for Medicaid it has not been approved yet.

How to deal with this kind of wahala? While I am not directly responsible, this is my best friend, my sister. Her trouble is my trouble. There is a bigger issue here but I think that is an issue for another day.