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@Topic
I was always one of those children that never misbehaved in public. As a child, I knew better than to cause waves in the tight ship my Mom ran. Strict, disciplinarian, you never want an adult to tell my mother that you misbehaved. You better start crying before reaching home that night cause you know you will very well get it.

Individuals are good and bad -- some more bad than good. I believe in people taking personal responsibility for their actions. When you do something you are not supposed to do, better get ready to face the music. If a child is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, a parent should not stand in the way of proper punishment -- even if the parent has to be present as a sign of support for the child in a criminal case.

As for how tough I will be on my child, it depends his temperament. For children who want to play hard ball, the parent(s) should be ready to kick them back in place as often as necessary. It is a job of a parent to discipline the child. It is a disservice for a parent to defend bad behavior.

mengi:

^^^^^

She did mention that the names aint real.

OKON & OLATINWO are real names. Smith & Williams are not my name. Made them up for privacy's sake.

SA Goddess:

OP, I also had to decide what name my son would carry and I decided his father's last name would be just fine, I had no issues with it.  It is my son's family name whether I am married to his dad or not, it is his lineage, my decision was also based on the fact that boys tend to change their last names later on to that of their fathers so why delay the inevitable,  . . . . . .I searched my heart and made sure I was absolutely ok with this decision and I am.  This was never about the father but my son so I am at peace with the decision. . . . . . .

Not sure how this would affect you and your child but you might need "sperm donor's permission" to do things like get your child a passport and other things, research this and make sure giving your child the father's name will not impact negatively on you.

Good luck with everything. . . .

I agree that this issue is more about my son than his father. But what if I name him after his father's family, and then in the future none of them want him?? Or treat him as less than because of the circumstances of his birth In that case, have I done right to expose him to hatred and negativity?

Everyone has the right to know their lineage -- I can never deny my son that right. But if his father denies him from birth, at least I want my child to have THE OPTION of choosing whether or not he wants to identify with his father's family. I wont have a problem if my son chooses to go by his father's last name in the future.

The States is a much freer country than Nigeria. I don't think I have to give away his father's name on his BC or other official documents. But if I HAVE TO, then I'll just use the man's initials.

ifyalways:

Is there chances of reconciliation and comeback for u and Mr Sperm donor or that door is locked permanently?Wud it be easy to correct and change the name in future when and If he comes back or if need be?

If truly,the pregnancy is for this man,why not let the child keep and bear the name?It's not the child's choice that things turned sour . . .s/he atleast deserves a piece of the man's identity,when s/he is of change he can then make the best choice for her/himself.

Like I said above, I want my son to have the freedom of choice. I mentioned that my legal name is not my family name. It is not that difficult to change names. If he wants a name change, he can have it when he's old enough to have the clarity of mind and thought to make that decision himself.

I don't know what the future holds in terms of reconciliation.

As I speak, I struggle not to hate Mr. Sperm Donor or to have bitterness against him. (Who wouldn't) But a situation like this hurts and is painful. Since he left for Nigeria, he has not called or texted me. Not even to say "I have arrived o!" or "I had a safe trip" or anything else for that matter. There was a good 4wks of silence because I had no way to contact him initially. Then I e-mail him that I'm pregnant and all he can think of is his own life.

Tell me, is that the kind of man YOU would ever consider reconciling with?? Especially when he tells you your child is illegitimate? Abeg jare. . . .    

Let sleeping dogs lie where they are. Some of them are rabid.

obowunmi:

Unless ure a desperate woman in search of money but most sensible women stay away from politicians --- then again, ure far-removed from Nigeria/its daily culture and world.

I mentioned that I knew this man for 3.5yrs -- since July 2007 when he was sent here on business. (How much longer do people know each other before actually pursuing a relationship??) He led me to think he was serious (like most men do, including non-politicians) and I did not consider a relationship with him until early this year.

Had I known earlier that his time here was up, I probably would have kept ignoring him.

I'm not a desperate woman and find that insulting.


Added a poll. Thread's going a bit off topic.

My sister's (born last year) was 7lbs, 15oz. She had several doses of the epidural before pushing her out in like 5-10min! I was impressed.

@Blazsay
I didn't grow up in Nigeria so those ethnic differences mean little (ie. Igbo, Calabar, Efik, etc.) to me.

obowunmi:

Oga! O lo doko daran.

Yeah you can say that again. Regardless, it's a shame the kind of reputation Nigerian politicians have given themselves. And we all let them get away with it.

What to tell your family is a very tricky subject. Being truthful causes you the least headache, but the most potential scrutiny. At this point, you can create whatever reality you want here. I would advise you to simply tell them the truth, but wait until closer to delivery in case they start stressing you out about it. You don't need to spend the next six months getting beat up by family, because it sounds like you are already beating yourself up about the situation.

I told my older sister, my youngest sister, and a friend. No one else. I'm not ready to deal with the judgements, questions, disapprovals, or anybody else's emotional reaction to my being pregnant. It would just be too much on top of everything else right now.

None of the people I told even know the man's name.

Plus you know how you get hormonal?? I cry every time it comes up even when I don't mean to.



@obowunmi
Take the 'politician' out of it and he is only a man. That was who I knew and saw.

@chaircover
ahhh that's the other problem I'm facing. To include the father's name on the BC.

It is not mandatory in the U.S. and I was going to leave it blank (which is what actually brought up the last name issue). The man in question is involved in Nigerian politics. I don't even want to tell my family his name because I keep asking myself how I could've been so stupid.

I was going to wait until I'm closer to delivery before asking him if he's sure he wants nothing to do with his child. If his answer is still no, then I wont force the issue.


@horny2u
Thanks for the well wishes.

@Nekai

You brought up some interesting points that I did not think of. I am definitely not confused about my child's paternity. I wasn't dating anyone else, and I was only intimate with this man once before he left for Nigeria -- a week after we had sex. This man is perfectly sure he is the father. But down the line he can say a lot of crazy s#it because he has already said my pregnancy is not proper or legitimate. That is one of the reasons I like your pro for 'Okon' -- so that the baby's paternity is never a question.

I also like the hyphenated option. It is something I didn't think of! Now that you mention it sha, I'll definitely consider it.

As an aside, OLATINWO is not my last name. My legal name is not my family name -- I was born SMITH* but on paper it is WILLIAMS*. My father didn't like his name so he changed our family name some years back. I don't want to name this child 'Williams' but I can't name him 'Smith' either. (Hope that makes sense, ?)

That's why I'm thinking 'Olatinwo' in reference to my grandfather who was a great man in his community. Plus, my grandfather died about two years ago. I miss him and I'm trying to give my son a male figure to look up to.



*Examples, not actual names.

Didn't you read the story. Its a non-traditional way of birthing, finding a sperm donor. The traditional way is to marry and then give birth. I've not said its right or wrong, I've only referred it to the non-traditional way.

@obowunmi: Sorry if the term 'sperm donor' is misleading. In the States we use that to refer to men like him -- instead of cussing him out every chance I get. This is a man I knew for 3.5yrs and we had discussed marriage in the future. Technically, he is NOT a sperm donor (I did not randomly select his sperm for fertilization with my egg). He just doesn't want to take responsibility in any way for his actions.

I weighed 106lbs before finding out I am pregnant. I hope to gain no more than 20lbs with proper eating and lots of exercise (once this tiredness and nausea ends). Of course, nothing is possible without the help of God so I'm depending on Him too!

I'm currently three months pregnant. The 'sperm donor' does not want to be involved, either emotionally or financially. He told me to get an abortion because the child I am carrying is not "proper or legitimate" (his words, not mine).

I am 26 going on 27 -- not too young to have a child or to raise a child on my own. However, my concern is for my child.

My question to NairaLanders: if you were in my shoes, would you give the baby the father's last name

The father has a popular Igbo last name -- OKON. I am inclined to give my child my maternal grandfather's first name -- OLATINWO. But for the fact that he doesn't want to be involved, I don't want to pressure him by naming the child 'Okon'. On the other hand, our last names tell us about our ancestors and give us a sense of belonging. And I don't want to rob my child of that privilege.

I intentionally left out all background information about my involvement with this man. I just want some straight, mature answers from people who are sane, can reason, and speak with common sense. Speaking from experience would also help.

Please, for the love of God, no one should mention the word 'bast*rd' while reply. Thanks!