₦airaland Forum

VULCAN:
Hello Rosemary,

First of all I would like to repeat what I said in August that you are one of the best Nigerian writers I have come across. Your brilliance shines through in this story. I haven't read your others but I will buy them when this story concludes.

Having said this let me mention two areas that I think need improvement for when you are rewriting it for publication.

When the story started it reminded me immediately of Achebe and Chimamanda because of your descriptive abilities. I was immediately taken out of the city and transported to the village and could see, feel and smell the village energy.

But I noticed a change around the time Akwaugo left for Lagos. The story went from reading like a novel to reading like a script. Things were no longer as descriptive and things felt rushed. It's like the difference between someone strolling in the cool of the day to the same person running a marathon. I fully understand that this has to do with your very busy life and I still don't know how you manage to juggle all your responsibilities and still craft this story. So please slow the story down a bit when rewriting to maintain a consistent pace throughout.

Let me also add another thing. When you create a character you must keep their behaviour consistent. Madonna sleeping with a lowly prison warden is very inconsistent with how you have portrayed her thus far in two distinct ways.

Before I delve into that let me note that you have created a mixup about Madonna's current state.

If she is still in police custody then she cannot be in prison simultaneously. There are no prison wardens in the police station as both are separate institutions. You mentioned her lawyers in this update but lawyers are only involved when a case is in court and once it is in court she should actually be in prison and not police custody.

If she has been remanded in prison then there cannot be a DCO or DPO there as they have no role nor jurisdiction in Nigerian prisons. Pls remember to look into that when you are rewriting

So back to the Madonna sexual inconsistency. She is used to relating and manipulating men of power so the natural thing for her is to seek out the most powerful man to get what she wants.

Sleeping with the lowest rung on the ladder is just not something that Madonna would do. You also informed us that the DCO had been sneering at her so that means they see. Why wouldn't she give him money to get a meeting with the DPO(assuming she is still in police custody, if not then it should be Chief Warden or something). Speaking of money, how is Madonna getting hers as nobody treats you special in custody if you are not spending?

Now to the final thing that is confusing about this update. What exactly is Madonna's plan? What can a DPO do for her in a case of attempted murder that the entire country is aware of including the IG.

Initially I thought you were pushing her towards a prison break but when you mentioned that she will go and see Morgan I dropped that idea. How can a common DPO officially free someone from an attempted murder case that the whole country is watching. Not realistic to me. It takes the IG to do that. If she is actually in prison custody then even the Chief Warden has no power to free her. Only the courts can. This update is all over the place.

So finally thank you for gifting us this wonderful tale. With a few touches it deserves to be a Netflix Original

May you keep enjoying God's grace on your mind.

Hello Rosemary33. Listen to this guy, he said it all. the earlier part of your story was much more interesting than the later. I might be wrong but it seems like you're trying too hard to please your audience here who yearn for a glossy lifestyle for the main character that's why u abruptly abandoned the village story line to the city. There are so much inconsistency in your characters and they are becoming too many making it difficult to maintain their descriptive characteristics.
Please, if you have one, stick to your original plots. I for one finds Mezie's character more intersting and realistic than that of Morgan who's becoming morelike a fantasy character. Even the main character Akwaugo has suddenly transformed from a realistic character to a fantasy filled city wife all of a sudden.

Also the explicit romance and sex scene are becoming too many.

Rosemary33.

This is my very first time of following a nairaland literature story, and I must confess, your writing and imaginative skills is way beyond what I expect from Naraland's scope. Its superb. Your suspense is captivating. You're in Chimamanda's league, with just a little touch of editing.
More ink to your pen.