I have heard a lot of definitions about early ejaculation also known as premature ejaculation. The most common among these definitions is that premature ejaculation is seen as the inability of a man to hold ejaculation beyond one minute of sexual intercourse (mainly thrusting). In as much as this is true to an extent, I would want to state categorically that this may not hold for every couple. It would have been preferable that the definition is personalized because some women do get satisfied within one minute of thrusting depending on how creative their husbands have been during pre-intimacy. And it may interest you to discover that some men even get their wives satisfied with just their fingers before penetration occurs. With this, one is forced to ask the benefit of having a sustained erection while your partner has already reached orgasm and just want to be in your arms to relish on the experience. For such, I think it would be wrong to say that their partners experience premature ejaculation!

In order to have a balanced outlook on this topic, Premature ejaculation should best be looked at from a relatively personalised angle and be defined as the inability of a man to sustain ejaculation before the envisaged period (length of time required for his partner to reach orgasm) between himself and his wife which eventually leads to dissatisfaction especially on the part of the wife. There are some methods by which this challenge could be combated, but the most important virtue to have while handling this challenge is discipline; discipline to adhere to the dynamics of the instructions peculiar to the methods knowing fully well that conquering premature ejaculation is not a rocket science. Just as it is with other things in life, the art of overcoming premature ejaculation is learnt and mastered with constant practice which eventually results into perfection. So, if you want to scale through this hurdle, kindly hang on there while we discuss these methods.

Please, continue from the link below:
http://www.toyinidowu..com.ng/2016/02/struggling-with-early-ejaculation.html

There are so much that have been said about couples’ sexual conduct while fasting especially in this time of the year where we have prolonged days of fasting from different religious assemblies. Some declare 21 days, some 14 days, some even 40 or 50 days. According to 1 Corinthians 7:5, “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”. This literarily is believed to mean, anytime there is fasting, sex aka “congo” can’t happen! Kindly pardon my line of thought on this, because I have a slightly different opinion, not as an express instruction from God but as a believer like Paul that has the spirit of God too.

First of all, sex during fasting is as persuaded and agreed by every individual couple. But if we are to go with the bible, apostle Paul asked us to stay away from sex so that we will be able to focus on fasting and prayer but with this clause, “for a short while so that devil won't tempt us”. If you ask me sirs, 21 days, 30 days or 50 days could be too long a period to abstain from sex especially if you are less than ten years in marriage and depending on your sexuality history before marriage. I am pointing this out so that the infidelity that Paul tries to prevent doesn’t happen eventually. However, length of abstinence is a relative issue! Every couple need to figure out among themselves on how long abstinence should be between them.

There are some people, if they want to fast the following day for example, they can't have sex the night penultimate. If they do, they are likely to lose concentration in the fast especially if they did a good job in bed….I mean a good job because the next 24 hours thereafter, they have not recovered from the experience that keeps playing in their heads and that could be distracting. It may even interest you that there had been times some of these people have had to break their fasting before time because they wanted to have a repeat of the pleasure they had the previous night!!! But that was a level in some marriages and I want to believe we have more of such around us.

KINDLY CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE READING:
http://www.toyinidowu..com.ng/2016/01/the-truth-about-sex-fasting.html

“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in”. Shannon L. Alder



Last week, we examined some of the tell-tale signs of insecurity in relationships either married or dating. Don’t forget, we defined insecurity as a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about one self. And when people are so unsecured in themselves, they carry the attitude into their relationships and make a negative impact on it because insecurity is all about negativisms. When an unsecured person starts a relationship with a positive person, such an individual contaminates that relationship with envy, doubts, bitterness and control which are all products of negative feelings that get him or her consumed with jealousy.



I need to state categorically at this point that contrary to beliefs from unsecured people, insecurity which manifests through jealousy does not in any way draw your partner to you; rather it drives them away from you each passing day. Each time you display jealousy expecting your partner to conform to your wishes; on the contrary, it only makes him or her get withdrawn further from you and he or she will have some sort of reservations for you. This is not good for relationships especially if it’s at the initial stage.



We can understand that some things happen that make some partners become so unsecured in their relationships. For example, if a partner is known to be a pathological liar or there had been history of unfaithfulness these experiences could trigger insecurity in someone. But then, there are other periods that this is just the person’s nature, rather than keep damaging your emotions and the other person’s, it is better you voice out your concerns so that both of you can walk through it together constructively.


Having laid the background on this, we shall examine the different ways in which your insecurity harms your relationship.

http://expressng.com/2015/09/how-insecurity-harms-your-relationship-part-2-realitywithtid/

“Chances are that when someone is hating on you, it’s not about you at all. It’s about them. It’s their fear, their jealously, their boredom, and their insecurity.” – Unknown Author.





To be insecure is to have a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about yourself. It’s a state whereby you have not accepted your own sort of uniqueness and doubt if you actually have something in you that can benefit other people or the society at large. This eventually makes you result into a state of pity that you eventually take out on other people especially in your relationships. Being insecure could be circumstantial or a continuing pattern of life from childhood due to an awkward upbringing, mostly. For example, if your partner lost a loved one or had a fall in life like a broken relationship or failed an exam, the corresponding reaction to the event could manifest through an insecurity for some time. But in a situation whereby it has been a major lifestyle, then it becomes a serious issue which one may not be able to treat with a quick fix of affection and reassurance that such people demand. Insecure peeps can only help themselves to a larger extent!

In this write-up, we shall only examine the signs of insecurity in our partners if we have one in our lives. It is pertinent to be able to spot the tell-tale signs early enough to actually know what we are dealing with, in order to aid us in taking a decision whether to stay back and help him or her overcome or back out of the relationship.

Lack of Trust

In Joseph Nowinski’s words, this partner thinks of himself as unworthy, unlovable and of other people as untrustworthy. When your partner keeps telling you how unworthy or a failure he or she is and how every other person can’t be trusted for one reason or the other, then there is a deep-seated insecurity problem which definitely makes them to keep nursing the impression that you are cheating on them or still have an eye for your ex, even when you had broken up for a long time. In extreme cases, such partners could accuse you of having an affair with a co-worker, church member, neighbour or just accuse you of using him or her as a second fiddle because he’s not good enough for you.

The break-up threat

This sort of immature attitude is mostly exhibited by the men. They break up with you or threaten to do so many times over very little inconsequential issues just to get you to validate their brittle ego. Not that they really want to let go of you though, but just to test your commitment. You hear things like, “I don’t think you love me enough…, I think you are just deceiving me… or I don’t feel wanted” etc. If you are not smart enough, you will get hooked in that messy relationship but once you call his bluff, he will begin to know it’s not business as usual. But then, the insecurity mask is still there and probably look for another avenue to express itself.

Constant Stalking and Jealousy

The insecure partner often feels you are hiding something from him on your mail, phone, or social media. Whenever you post anything on tweeter, facebook or instagram, she is quick to follow it and read meanings to some of the comments and the post in itself. It becomes worse if you didn’t notify him or her before making a post about any of your unusual or special events. He may demand for passwords to any of your social media accounts or stylishly ask to go through your phone or e-mails. She even demands to know whose call you were receiving or who you were sending a text message to. And should you decline to feed his or her curiosity, it will definitely result into cheap blackmail and get messier.

Constant stalking and jealousy go hand in hand and they happen as a result of insecurity in partners. They compare the time you spend with friends with what you spend with them and begin to feel jealous. They can’t understand why you have to hang out with church members or co-workers after work and being friendly with an opposite colleague on a platonic level is a tall order especially if that colleague of yours is more attractive or richer. Initially, you may be enjoying the jealousy as a normal thing, after all we all need a measure of it in our relationships but as time goes on, you begin to get chocked.

PLEASE CONTINUE FROM THE LINK BELOW:
http://expressng.com/2015/09/how-insecurity-harms-your-relationships-part-1-realitywithtid/

It is not uncommon for parents to go against the choice of their children’s marriage partner for one reason or the other. Most of the time, this conflict could happen as a result of tribal difference, social status, natural preference or for no obvious reasons which the parents cannot even explain themselves. Whichever way it happens, the fact remains that your parents don’t approve of your marital choice and this could generate a lot of tension between you, your parents and extend to your fiancée or fiancé as the case may be. When this sort of ugly incidence rears its head, can it be handled? Can it be resolved? Yes, absolutely but depending on your approach, composure and understanding.

The first natural reaction from anyone in this situation is to get angry towards your parents for their inability to acceptance your choice. You can even decide in extreme case to ignore and shut them out of your affairs entirely but let me say this to you that, in as much as it is understandable for you to be angry (though your anger should also be coded and decisive too), don’t ever ignore your parents or what they are saying whether it makes sense to you or not, at least, at the initial stage. I have discovered from folks over the years that shutting out your parents worsen the situation for you in the sense that they won’t understand why you have got to cherish and value a stranger (yes, a stranger and that is who he or she is to them for now) more than those who raised you up. This is one reason why some parents remain adarmant for a long time. Some of us go as far as disrespecting our parents, for all it’s worth, even if they don’t approve your choice now, you still need to respect and listen to them first to get their reasons in order to know the angle where they are coming from because it can be helpful to think through the situation further. Remember, they will always be your parents and they could be right!

Truth be told, I am not sure any parent will just want to make life difficult for their children especially when it comes to marriage. They are not always right though, but even in the midst of their error, I want to believe parents are doing what they know best according to the level of understanding they have in order to safe guard your happiness. Though there are times they come up with unrealistic reasonings like tribal sentiments that even tend to go over board, but if we are to critically look into it, there still lies an underlining sheet of love to protect you from falling into wrong hands.

What is the starting point here? I will not advice anybody of marriageable age to date or court secretly as some of us are in the habit of shutting people out of our relationships. As soon as you are sure of your choice, even if marriage is not in view yet, let your parents know before you go far. This is very important so that in case they have any reservation about your choice, they would have let it out on time for possible resolution as soon as possible. And in a situation where it cannot be resolved, it will be obvious that the two of you need to part ways on time so that nobody’s time is wasted. It’s actually risky to court someone for two years without allowing your parents to know what you are up to. Then out of the blues, you just show up with your partner when you plan to get married in less than six months to come. That could spell doom for the two of you should any of the parents disagree.
PLEASE CONTINUE FROM THE LINK BELOW:
http://expressng.com/2015/08/when-your-parents-disapprove-your-marriage-partner-realitywithtid/

In order not to keep deceiving ourselves, we need to realize that there are no two people who come into marriage completely fit into each other’s lifestyle immediately. Irrespective of the number of years spent courting, we still find out that there are a number of underlining concerns to deal with, some lose ends to tighten up, compromises to make, attitudes to shelve, ideas to nurture and characters to model when marriage finally happens.



The main reasons for this is in most cases is due to the fact that there has never been any opportunity to stay under one roof as a couple for 24 straight hours, so there are quite a number of issues that we never had the opportunity to encounter most especially for those who didn’t practice the live-in lover style. This now makes it easier for us to gloss over a lot of issues. But sadly enough, the expectation of so many of us while we go into marriage is that things should just automatically go well, no, it doesn’t happen that way. Marriage takes a process of adjustment.



In as much as it is not out of place to have such an expectation, having courted for a minimum of one year, the assumption is that we should have at least been used to one another properly. But is this realistic? No wonder, quite a lot of marriages break up and no thanks to this strange and cumbersome expectation. Issues happen based on individual differences which need not be allowed to get out of hand if only we are ready to confront them. There is a process of adjustment that we need to realize and negotiate internally with our spouses but before then, let me quickly demystify two misconceptions we have about marriage.



First of all, it is important for us to know that our marriages are just the sincere extension of who we were before walking down the aisle. No miracle of transformation happens on the wedding day per se. The huge misconception here is that we think our partners must have a change of attitude and character in all ramifications the moment we both say “Yes, we do”! That guy can’t change from who he used to be neither has that lady changed a bit. A dishonest guy will keep being dishonest; a sneaky and naturally withdrawn woman will still manifest the same thing in marriage due to the fact that they are who they are. The same thing goes for those who have not been happy with themselves and think marriage will transform them, most times, it fails!
PLEASE CONTINUE FROM HERE: http://expressng.com/2015/08/attention-newlyweds-and-intending-couples-realitywithtid/

Few weeks ago, I spoke to the women through this medium on how they can be more creative in their bedrooms with their husbands by going out of their ways to introduce lap dance. In order for me not to be tagged a male chauvinist, I have decided to also talk to men on how they can satisfy their wives in bed. Making one’s wife attain orgasm during sex is something a lot of men would have loved to do because no man gets married with the intention to bore his wife, but the problem remains that a lot of men don’t just know how to go about it. Men, please follow me as we go through some practical steps in making your bedroom antics more pleasurable, the one that your wife will always look forward to.

Let us not deceive ourselves, any successful marriage has got a good story to tell about their sexual escapades with each other. First of all, I would want you to erase the wrong impression you have had about your wife’s sexual appetite. Don’t think she is difficult to please in bed even though you claim to have been trying your best. Yes, you have, but how knowledgeable are you? You can be having sex seven days a week without doing the right thing with her. You could have been married for ten donkey years yet, you are not touching the right contours! Getting your wife satisfied is not tough, if you are patient enough, you will get through it. And if you have a wife that is so religious and frigid about sex, it is your responsibility as the boss in the relationship to teach her about the beauty of sex between a married man and his wife.

In case you don’t know, by nature, your wife doesn’t get excited and satisfied as quickly as you do, so there’s no need using your own strength and parameters for her. A sexually sex-starved or unsatisfied wife would get frustrated and manifest her frustration in different ways. A lot of terrible issues at home didn’t just start when you noticed them but years back with the woman bottling up her frustration and later direct it at everything….her in-laws, her husband, work place etc. if you ask me, I will say the goal of every man is to always approach sex with the intention to make his wife happy even though you have your own cravings to satisfy too which makes your own enjoyment and satisfaction delivered on a platter of gold.

A good sex starts from having a good relationship with your spouse. You can’t have a major misunderstanding with your wife while going to work in the morning and expect to come back in the evening to meet a willing woman that will jump into bed with you without having resolved the earlier issue. I know some women can do that and it’s either they have got very low self-esteem or they just want to obey in order to give peace a chance. Guys, the onus lies on us to try our best to create good atmosphere.

Have you ever asked yourself, “How does she want it?” Some want it to start by sending them some erotic text messages right from work. Some want to hear you speak good things to their ears to get them in the mood.

CONTINUE FROM HERE PLEASE: http://expressng.com/2015/08/how-to-satisfy-your-wife-in-bed-realitywithtid-rated-18/

Stress is anything that puts you under pressure unduly, making you feel uncomfortable and threatened. In our various relationships, we often encounter situations and circumstances that tend to give us pressure but keep us going for good. Examples could be family relocation, coping with change of job or promotion for one of the spouses, the birth of a baby and so on. But when we encounter situations that upset our balance and undermine our physical and emotional well being, then such is not good for us. The irony of this is that some of us are into things that cause stress for us in our relationships but we are oblivious of them because our focus is on another thing yet our efficiency and productivity in our relationships are being limited by these things. We shall be talking about these things this week because if we are smart enough, these issues could be worked on and give us a lot of relief in our relationships.


1.Differences in Upbringing. When two people come together in a relationship especially marriage, they come in with different outlooks to life in general as a result of their upbringing and this is bound to cause tension among them initially. Majority of the issues we encounter in our relationships could be traced to this; she was brought up to eat out most times but he was a highly domesticated person. He is used to eating food freshly prepared but she is used to cooking for a month and storing in the freezer. She was brought up to know that a good marriage is when a man can provide absolutely for the needs of the family but to him, marriage is a joint venture. He eats with average of three pieces of meat per meal but she wasn’t brought up with that luxury…the list is endless! When couples are not careful with themselves, these differences would import stress into their marriages and make them start focusing on less important things and before they know it, it would rock the boat of their relationship. It is always advisable for couples to first show understanding for each other on where each is coming from and secondly be patient with one another over the years while they seek to establish and get used to their own way of doing things not from what they are both used to but what works for them. However, that doesn’t mean that they can’t find equilibrium based on what their backgrounds already tossed on them.


2.Finance. Any day, anytime, finance will always cause stress in relationships where the partners involved have not designed a system that works for them either consciously or unconsciously. This has got nothing to do with its inadequacy due to the fact that we have discovered that where couples have more than enough to go for them, they still get stressed up and argue over money because one of the parties is trying to be funny with the finance. When couples don’t have a definite plan on what comes in and goes out, when either of the party is not straight forward with the laid down arrangement or a wrong pattern of spending is not curtailed, couples will always have issues with each other. This could be avoided if couples try and identify what works for them in terms of spending pattern and keep to it. It should be noted also that when a habit of openness is cultivated with each other the stress is also reduced. Joint account? This may not really mean joint bank accounts. It’s rather about a believe system that we both own our money and we are accountable to spend and grow it. I have seen a lot of couples with joint bank accounts yet each still keep separate accounts unknown to each other. That’s stress and irresponsible style in itself.

CONTINUE FROM HERE: http://expressng.com/2015/07/six-causes-of-stress-in-relationships-and-how-to-deal-with-them-realitywithtid/

“People try to minimise the differences when they are in love”. Joel Crohn.

Last week, I published the story of two intending couples with serious religious complications on their hands, catalysed by the fact that they attend different assemblies of worship. While Christopher was ready to jettison his own assembly after marriage in order to please his wife to be, but for a major constraint, Ruth wasn’t ready to even shift an inch due to her loyalty to her long time assembly. I appreciate the comments that came in, both on this platform and other ones like Facebook inbox, emails and so on. As a result of this, I have decided to do a rejoinder so that we can have a very balanced perspective. Did you miss the story last week? Please read it up here before you go ahead: http://expressng.com/2015/07/we-are-both-christians-yet-religion-is-stopping-our-marriage-realitywithtid/



Is anyone out there having the same or similar experience with Ruth and Christopher’s and you are at a seemingly cross-road? Please, admit with me that it’s not an issue that should be treated with levity. The first thing I need you to understand is that religious difference is a major issue that should not be overlooked especially when the knot has not been tied. Dismissing its seriousness with a “God will take control” cliché could be detrimental to your relationship in future and that is if you have not been denying some damages even as at now that you are dating. If you find yourself in such a situation, do not live in denial, admit there is a big issue to face with your partner so, pause and deal with it in the most objective way. This is because religious difference shouldn’t be seen as one of those minor issues you can drop till after you are married…No! Solve it before you proceed to the altar so that each of you will have a direction to work with. But if it cannot be resolved, then it will be better for the two of you to put an end to the relationship! I will be the last person to advice any intending couple to go ahead and get married while this problem boils within them. That is a big error because it’s like having a timed-bomb in your hands that can explode at any given time!



While trying to deal with this issue, you both need to understand that one of the greatest tools to use is effective communication. You cannot under-estimate its effectiveness. None of you should ever sit down and assume inaccurately about the other person’s point of view, rather, sit down and talk eyeball to eyeball about it in the most unambiguous way and the best time to do it is now. Everybody has a story behind his or her actions and proper communication can bring to open the deepest fear which your partner could have been nurturing for years. When this happens, that could be all you would need as a solution to the problem at hand.


PLEASE CONTINUE FROM THIS LINK: http://expressng.com/2015/07/we-are-both-christians-yet-religion-is-stopping-our-marriage-part-ii-realitywithtid/

Christopher and Ruth met during their JAMB coaching classes eleven years ago. They hit it off and the usual love banter started. Though there were times when their relationship had challenges especially in their university days which caused them to go off and on at one point in time or the other. Yet, they still decided to get married to each other last year when Christopher eventually made up his mind that they should settle down since it was now obvious that he could comfortably take care of an additional mouth.

Right now, the wedding preparation is expected to be in top gear because they already have a tentative date towards the end of this year but the challenge is that Ruth is a very strong member of one religious organisation different from that of Christopher’s. And one of their bylaws is that they won’t bless or support any of their strong members who wouldn’t marry anyone from that same religious setting as theirs.

READ THE REST HERE:http://expressng.com/2015/07/we-are-both-christians-yet-religion-is-stopping-our-marriage-realitywithtid/

I was having a discussion with some group of people few days back on issues that bother on marriage. In the midst of our gist, someone mentioned to me how she had to go out of her way to learn the art of lap dancing basically because of her husband. Though I know about lap dancing but confined to club houses in my thought. Immediately she mentioned it, my attention was completely caught (perhaps due to the fact that the lady in question belong to the same religious group as I am) and I began to think nothing stops women at home to go out of their comfort zone at times. Woman, not all men are the same. If you have an adventurous husband, it is better you use your hips and curves for him at home than for another chick to sweep him off his feet somewhere else. So I decided to do a write up about it for women. Who says you can’t learn a new thing in as much as it keeps your husband glued to you?

Lap dance is a special kind of erotic or sexual dance performed by a wife on her husband’s laps. Lap dance is not only for night clubs just as condoms is not only meant for some set of people neither is it an everyday dance but can be used as a gift on special occasions like wedding anniversary, his job promotion, for his success in a professional exam and so on. It is practically aimed at improving your sex life by twisting your bodies in a unique way that seduces your man to get him to anticipate and desire your body.

If you are looking for a different way to put a spark in your bedroom activities, then lap dance is the way to go, and for him to enjoy it there are some guidelines to follow as enumerated below:
• Men, most times do not really do well with some kind of surprises that are off the hook. In order not to spoil your plan, begin with a seductive chat with him before he gets home on your device or through text messages or email. This is to wet his appetite, preparing him emotionally for a pleasant surprise but don’t ever disclose your exact idea in order not to ruin your plans.

• You are the one in charge and the intention is to make your hubby hungry for you, you need to carefully choose your costume which should be a blend of what he will like to see on you with whatever makes you feel hot and sexy. Your sexy lingerie, bum-shot, camisole pant, bra, lacey knee-length gown, transparent night gown and so much more are supposed to be easy to manipulate while you perform your dance. Don’t select what will be too tight and difficult to slip out of like those with zips and buttons at the back. A shirt with front buttons can be a very sexy and convenient piece to work with.

• Another important aspect is your music selection. You don’t have to use songs with lewd lyrics to get your man under your control, remember, you are not a prostitute! Set aside various cool songs to play over a period of time that can get both of you in the mood so that you are not under pressure to finish up. Loud and high pitched songs with sonorous vocalists might need to be avoided because of distraction if you really want a romantic evening but then, they must be songs from genre that you love dancing to which keep you alive.

• You are definitely going to need space, do prepare the room. If you have to move anything that could constitute barrier, please do. The idea is to get you a space to move around and explore your body. If you have to dim the light, please do but some men may not like dimmed lights. You have to work with whatever will make your plan work by creating a sexy atmosphere for the two of you.
CONTINUE HERE: http://expressng.com/2015/07/using-lap-dance-to-seduce-your-husband-realitywithtid-rated-18/

Trust is defined as the reliance on the integrity, strength and ability of a person. It is a sort of confidence you place on someone dear to you because you believe he or she will always be sincere with you in whatever is being said, watch your back, will not cheat on you and will always be there for you. This equally means you are honest with the other person in the relationship; you are reliable, responsible and dependable.

There are times when relationships are devoid of this element called trust perhaps, based on previous experiences from the past relationships. People do this a lot in order to prevent history repeating itself in their lives. More often than not, lack of trust has got nothing to do with peoples’ past experiences but based on what they have heard other people went through. I have heard a lot of people express lack of trust in the opposite sex yet they never dated anyone or at best, in one very complicated relationship and they end up using that to conclude for everybody in the world. Does that make sense? Yes, it is okay to safeguard ourselves from getting hurt, but then, I think people over do things in their analysis which only result in pushing the other person away.

Trust is an integral part of any thriving relationship. Without trust, it’s hard to get close to the other person and to rely on him or her for support. This happens mostly when we import most of our excess baggage from previous hurt into our next relationship, it does much harm than what we seek to prevent, most especially with someone who really want to be serious with us. It is very important that people are different and there is no law that states that you will definitely continue to experience what you did in your last two or three relationships, so let us put aside the common blunder that all men are dogs and all women are only money freak!

Look at a situation where you meet someone who is very open by nature (which you might not have noticed). Such a person would also naturally desire to have an open person without necessarily expecting you to share every little detail of your life with him or her if it feels uncomfortable at a certain stage. At the same time not a person with a façade that gives a funny impression. Reasonable people want people who will make them part of their lives and treat them without any form of preconceived notion of what men or women are like. When you get into a relationship, make judgments based on your experience with that individual because it doesn’t make sense to connect your messed up experience with that person. Good men and women still exist out there in large number.

Irrespective of where you are coming from, nobody can build any meaningful relationship without the foundation of trust.
PLEASE CLICK TO CONTINUE READING: http://expressng.com/2015/07/can-your-relationship-thrive-without-trust-realitywithtid/

I want us to use this week to look at an issue I received via email in January which distabilised me

after reading.

It’s about the case of a side chick that boomerang and is now seeking for advice on what to do.

It is a pathetic case!

Read it below.


Hope my mail meets you well. I am about to get to the end of my life. I need you to help me on

what to do sir on a very important case. Despite the fact that I have dated and slept with a lot of

guys both married and otherwise,there is this married man I had an affair with some years ago

but things got out of hand and his wife found out.

Read More: Red flags! Signs That Your Spouse Could Be Porn Addicted

She came to my school to embarass me and also reported me to my parents but because of the

shame I decided to go on with the affair. Invariably, this had a toll on her home.

CLICK TO CONTINUE: http://expressng.com/2015/06/my-fiances-sister-was-the-woman-that-i-broke-her-home-realitywithtid/

Adeekiti, did you take time to read this at all? This is not about divorce. It's not addressing married partners but those dating with the aim of getting into marriage.

“Lots of things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn’t be”. – C. JoyBell C.



When two people begin to date each other, most of the times, it’s usually difficult for one or both of them to face reality especially when emotion is deeply involved. This apparently makes ending a relationship become a difficult task even when one or both of them know it is the right thing to do. It baffles me when I hear married couples complain about certain sensitive behaviours from their spouses but claimed they knew about it before marriage but decided to patch things up thinking they could change anyone or marriage will change them. The truth is that no miracle happens at the point of exchange of marital vows.

ALSO Read…http://expressng.com/2015/02/no-miracle-happens-wedding-day-reality-toyin-idowu/

The objective of this write-up is to let you know that if you are dating someone, don’t get your brain shut down. Know where to draw the line, recognise your threshold and take a bow as soon as the signal comes out clearer. Now, at what point do you kiss your relationship bye-bye?



When You Experience Continuous Fear:

If your relationship has got little or nothing to offer apart from fear and continuous loss of peace, I think that’s a sign that you need to evaluate and call it quits because it automatically means that you are not happy. At the dating stage of your relationship, when nothing is cast on stone yet, where you are supposed to be free with one another, yet you are not free to express your mind, most times, you have to rehearse and scheme before you make your contributions, or each time you are together, you are just extra ordinarily careful….too too careful! Not because of any form of ill-mannerisms but perhaps due to control, manipulation and inability to understand your partner, then you need to consider moving on after you might have tried your best to work it out. If you can’t be happy now, you can’t be happy in the future when he or she gains total freedom on you.


When Physical Abuse Is Involved:

Physical abuse is something I will never encourage anyone to tolerate at any level and for whatever reason. When he or she attacks you physically and apologises, maybe over a minor issue, there is every tendency that he or she will repeat it again and I don’t think you should experiment that further. For some of you, you may not need to wait till when the real action is displayed but you already have pointers to work with. Take for example, during your normal argument; you hear words like; I feel like slapping you or if you say anything further I can bounce on you etc. These words are not to be excused as mere threats that accidentally spill out because of anger. He or she will definitely carry out the threat sooner or later. What if he or she just gives you an ordinary push on your chest or touches your nose with his or her finger in a derogatory and disrespectful manner?



When There Is Undue Control And Manipulation:

Are you made to do what you normally wouldn’t do by force? Are you made to behave in a manner not comfortable for you or do things against your principles and values? For example, if you are forced or coerced into stealing some valuable items from your parents, manipulated into having sex when you don’t want to or asked to keep malice with someone. These are very strong indications that you are not in a healthy relationship and unhealthy relationship will lead you nowhere except heart aches.

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE:
http://expressng.com/2015/06/bye-bye-when-to-walk-away-quickly-before-marriage-realitywtid/

I remember getting into a shopping-mall sometimes ago with the intention of picking just three provision items for the family. At the end of the day, I didn’t limit my purchase to just the milk, beverage and a pack of corn flakes that I originally wanted to buy, but in addition, I picked up some hair accessories, a wine-coloured bead and a set of green boxer’s short which I never planned for. What an impulsive buyer!

 Also Read: Dear About-To-Weds, Don’t Confuse Shared Interests With Values

Getting home that evening, the first thing that came out of my wife’s mouth was that we didn’t need those items at that time! I never bother to listen to her because I felt she was just displaying her natural ability to properly manage things and I was not in the mood for that sermon at all. As far as I was concerned, I saw what I liked and I went for them. Later, I began to see how wasteful I was when the boxer’s shorts didn’t size my son and on getting back to the mall to change them to a more appropriate size, I was told that as a policy, they don’t change under-wears! Till now, the beads are still lying at home and I can’t remember my daughters using them for more than twice in the last 24 months because the colours are not really appealing. The worst part of it was that I completely forgot I had a laundry guy who would bring my clothes home that night. What I was left with couldn’t pay him for the services rendered, so I had to ask him to come for his money the following day. What went wrong? I simply substituted what I wanted for the things I needed!

 Also Read: Chosing Mrs. Right: Guys, Understand How This Principle Works!

Broadly speaking, a need is something you can’t live without to survive. Simply put, a need sustains you; to sustain is to strengthen physically or mentally, help, support, encourage, assist, preserve and nurture. You will agree with me that these are the major things that partners do for each other that reproduce happiness in their relationships. While wants on the other hand, are things we might wish to have but don’t necessarily contribute to our survival. They could be referred to as things that just entertain us which we can do without like jewelleries, expensive cars, gadgets, alcoholic drinks etc. To entertain is to amuse, feed, divert, delight, cheer and play. So many partners are not adding values to each other but are just there to amuse and cheer each other which produce nothing. At the end of the day, you still find out that a large important vacuum is being left un-filled. If we try to look at some of the items we have acquired, we would discover that a lot of them don’t really deserve the kind of attention we gave them when we wanted to acquire them initially. They look like what we needed to survive at the onset but at the end of the day;

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE:
http://expressng.com/2015/06/a-wanted-spouse-or-a-needed-spouse-realitywithtid/

Many people, in search of true love have confused and mis-interpreted it to be another thing. And in search of this true love, they set themselves up for heart-aches, disappointments and tragic miscalculations because they lack understanding of what love is in the actual sense. This week, we will seek to put love in the proper perspective.



What is love? The first thing I would like us to understand is that love is stronger and really goes beyond our feelings. As a matter of fact, any form of love that starts and stops at the level of your feeling is not sustainable. Real love is when the happiness, health and spiritual growth of another person is as important to us as ours. In other words, it is a concern for the welfare of someone without any desire to control that person or demand for it in return. It is simply sacrifice!



Love is not the same as lust. Lust is a strong or uncontrolled desire for sex. It is based solely on physical attraction and fantasies which mostly dissipates once the real person shows off because at the initial stage, it’s all a perfect and a no-wrong individual you were seeing. Lust takes but love gives; lust uses but love values; lust seeks immediate gratification but love endures.



There are three forms of love I would want to mention before we discuss love and infatuation. This will aid our knowledge of love and infatuation better.
1.Love if…

This kind of love is given or received when certain conditions are met. This means you must do something to be able to earn this type of love which would be in exchange for what the lover wants. It has strings attached and a lot of effort goes into it to be able to sustain it. For example, this type of love in the subconscious says things like; if you dress well, I will love you; I will love you, if you have sex with me; If you behave in a particular manner, I will love you etc. Are you familiar with any of these lines?

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE READING
http://expressng.com/2015/06/how-to-tell-difference-between-love-and-infatuation-by-toyin-idowu/

So much have been said about MouthAction especially among the religious community. A lot of people believe that MouthAction is a sin, a perversion of the body and the purpose of sex in itself, while some actually believe that as far as couples are concerned, there is no limit to what they can do with one other behind closed doors.

I was in a gathering few years ago when a guy firmly declared that MouthAction is a sin unto God and every one that engages in it is demon possessed! Seated by my side, was a young man, probably in his early forties, whom I noticed had a dropped countenance immediately the guy made that pronouncement. Out of curiosity, I asked him what was wrong (it was a forum for the married). The young man said he felt dirty while the guy spoke against MouthAction and was thinking he had been sinning against God all the while. I was really shocked anyway to hear that but I braced up myself to tell him to do what he felt was okay for himself and his wife in his marriage.

Deep within me, I was pained because quite a number of people have been misled over this issue. The most annoying aspect of this is that, many guys in the position of authority roll out many laws but never bothered to let their subjects know on which grounds they were making their assertions. I think it’s high time leaders stopped leaving people hanging and confused. If they don’t have sufficient information, it’s really necessary to consider staying away from such topics till they are well grounded in it.

What then is MouthAction? MouthAction is a sexual activity involving the stimulation of the Instruments of ones partner by the use of the mouth, tongue, teeth or throat. Cunnilingus refers to MouthAction performed on wives while MouthAction refers to MouthAction performed on husbands. Oral stimulation of other parts of the body like kissing and licking is usually not considered MouthAction. Couples may engage in MouthAction as part of pre-intimacy before sexual intercourse, during, or as intercourse.

At this point, I have to state categorically that it is actually wrong for anybody to say MouthAction is a sin for couples! If you say that, then it is tantamount to saying people who use left hand to write or eat are actually wrong! We all know that the common choice is the right hand but does that make some people who feel comfortable using their left hands to eat become outcast?

PLEASE FOLLOW THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE
http://expressng.com/2015/05/religious-couples-and-oral-sex-realitywithtid/

By TOYIN IDOWU
At 28 years, Joan, a top-notch chef with one of the renowned hotels in town had received six marriage proposals in her lifetime and had experienced four broken relationships in between. But when Abdul came on board with keen interest for her hand in marriage, she felt she was of age and wouldn’t want to have another record of broken relationship added, she decided to go extra mile by taking Abdul’s name to her spiritual leader to help her pray and confirm if their relationship would be good to go. The man prayed, and according to him, he assured her to go ahead because the relationship was God-ordained. Four months into their courtship, Jide showed up! Jide happened to be a guy Joan had always had crush on right from their teenage years till their university days and the feeling was still there. She was confused and at the same time never wanted to lose him because it looked like her dream was coming to reality. She took Jide’s name to her religious leader as well who prayed and reported to her that they could also marry but the marriage would not be as blissful as it would have been with Abdul. Another key thing she was told was, with Abdul, she wouldn’t struggle to have kids but with Jide, the first seven years of their marriage would be with no pregnancy let alone having a child.

Though, she didn’t like what she heard but out of frustration, she was forced to settle for Abdul, the one with better prospect. Things went on fine in the marriage except that she had to struggle with miscarriages for the first five years of the marriage which contradicted what her spiritual leader saw. When she eventually had the last pregnancy that didn’t result into miscarriage, she decided to travel out of the country where she had her baby but the sad news was that her husband, Abdul was involved in a plane crash three days after she put to bed while travelling to Dublin to see his baby and wife!

Marriage is a relationship between two matured adults that involves certain measures being put in place before it could work out. One of the things we need to understand before tying the knot is to realise marriage is a personal issue that must be carefully entered into without making others our yardstick because one size doesn’t fit all. This brings me to the issue of those who would rather prefer to take names of their prospective husbands and wives to pastors and imams for confirmation of intimacy through prayers. Let me state categorically here that no spiritual leader has the capacity to confirm your marital intimacy with any one neither does anyone of them has got the monopoly of access to God than you…if it’s your marriage, it’s got to be you!

While trying to make choice of a life partner, it is not out of place to cross-check with people and have some back ground information audited. But how do you explain those that are obsessed with having their pastors and imams pray over name(s) especially where multiple proposals are involved before they can take a decision? How do you explain when people feel they can’t take a decision on who to marry without having to wait on their spiritual leaders for a go ahead? Invariably, when their leaders say it is good, then it is good to them and when such states otherwise, they go with it. This doesn’t sound like a matured mind who knows what he or she is doing.

Don’t forget, your spiritual leader is also human like you. The same kind of grace on him is equally accessible to you. He has got blood running through his veins, he feels hunger and gets sexually excited the same way you do, so that doesn’t make him infallible; he can make mistakes and mislead you. At times, some people ignorantly marry their leaders’ choices because some of the prayers offered by the spiritual leaders and the outcome already get mixed-up and contaminated with the leaders’ personal preferences, beliefs and sentiments which can’t really stand the text of time. What you have at the end of the day is another man’s choice and not yours. Another practical example is this; it takes a leader who is much disciplined with integrity to pray without bias and come out with the truth about a lady who plans to marry a guy that is not in his good books….it’s really tough. This is one of the potential risks people should bear in mind while considering this method.

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE READING
http://expressng.com/2015/05/when-your-religious-leader-has-to-pray-before-you-choose-your-partner-realitywithtid/

In some of my interactions with intending couples, one of the few questions I have always been anxious to ask them is for the intending couples to tell me each other’s values. But come on, 80% of them either answer wrongly or don’t even know at all, so they have to go back to the drawing board and dig out what are the most important things in life for each other. Interestingly, some of them would just be less than three months away from their weddings and I keep wondering at what they actually based their decisions to marry on and what they were doing with their dating/courtship period.
I want to address the youths especially those that are in rather serious relationships or about getting into one with the intention to let it gravitate towards marriage. A fulfilled marriage is not a product of luck but of good foundation laid in the choice of the partners and during courtship. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to marriage styles, nothing is cast on stone because what works for you may not work for another person, but the fact still remains that there are universally accepted principles or ingredients that fulfilled marriages are expected to be built on and the earlier we understood this, the better. One of these standards is the shared values.
The quality of any relationship is directly linked to the values the partners share but differences in values could mean additional work from both to be able to have a peaceful union otherwise, there will always be conflict. When two people begin to date each other, they are not yet very familiar with the other person’s values. They make mistakes based on assumptions about the other, some of which are correct while others are not. But as time goes on, with more seriousness, commitment and considerable level of under-studying one another, they get to discover if they have shared values on a more concrete level and start agreeing on them, then, their relationship will begin to take a more definite shape and develop stronger.
Values are guiding principles that dictate behaviour and action. They help people to know what is right from wrong. They are your beliefs that are fundamental part of who you are because they shape your thinking, attitude, character and general outlook to life while growing up and are consistent with you all through life. Your values play a major part in many areas of your life including the choice of marriage partner, how you react or respond to situations, and so much more. For example, during conflict, you could have a value of no violence no matter what but what if your partner doesn’t share that value with you?

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE
http://expressng.com/2015/05/dear-about-to-weds-dont-confuse-shared-interests-with-values-realitywithtid/

By Toyin Idowu

 
Chris is a 33 year old lecturer in one of the higher institutions in Lagos, Nigeria. He met Funke, a 28 year old dentist when he visited her hospital to sort out the challenge he had with two of his teeth. One thing led to another and they started dating which lasted for 13 months before they eventually got married. Immediately after their marriage, they began to have serious issues that put pressure on their relationship. First, Chris had wanted a child as soon as they could but his wife had a different plan entirely because of her career. Funke had to go and do a comprehensive family planning to bar pregnancy for the first five years of her marriage so as to enable her focus on her career and other dreams. This got Chris really mad. From there on, quite a number of things began to unfold which made Chris understand he had not given much thought to his choice.
Chris is a very homely person who believes family must come first with the highest priority but Funke is a career woman who believes family can always wait while one goes out to pursue her dreams.  As far as Chris is concerned, when you have what can take care of your immediate needs and give you satisfaction, every other thing about you will be successful but Funke’s disposition about life is that money can never be in excess so do all you can to make sure you have more than enough. These and many other things came to limelight for Chris which of course made him to start managing crisis.

*******
May I start by saying that in marriage and even life generally, there are basic principles and standards to be followed if one is to have a fulfilled marriage. These principles are so crucial that once they are overlooked right from the foundation of choice, there will always be problems to handle. You might eventually get over the problems latter on, but you would have gone through what a human being shouldn’t have gone through in marriage!

I want to talk to guys about the principle of making a marital choice that brings fulfillment to one’s life since the initiative is expected to come from them, they need to know how it works. It’s not enough for you to merely know you need a woman in your life but what’s your understanding of the type of lady you need? It’s equally not just enough for you to know that you are of age but how serious are you with the preparation? What knowledge are you acquiring to put you in a situation where you can enjoy your marriage?

The first marriage that happened took place because the first guy was diagnosed to have had a need for a helper, one that was suitable for his needs. Guys, this means that everyman has a need that could only be met by the opposite sex! Not even the closest person to you in life will be able to address that need in your life as a man. There is a definite touch, every man needs in life which angels, parents, pastors etc irrespective of the close relationship can’t administer to you. No matter who you are, there is a particular set of quality any lady you want to marry must possess to be in sync with your need and configuration. Otherwise, you are bound to have a square peg in a round hole for your life.

These needs could be emotional, spiritual, mental or physical which vary from man to man and that is why you may not be able to cope with the kind of woman I can cope with neither will I be able to cope with the kind of woman you can handle. Reason? Simply because no two men have the same need and make-up. My emotional need for example is quite different from your own emotional need. You don’t have the same type of spiritual challenge as your blood brother does, so your choice and outlook on taking a woman as a life partner will definitely not be the same because it takes a woman that has the in-built capacity to handle your weaknesses to marry you.Quite a number of men could hardly decipher what they actually want in life. A lot of men walk into marriages without understanding their temperament while so many run after ladies when they don’t even understand how their emotions work!
PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE

http://expressng.com/2015/05/chosing-mrs-right-guys-understand-how-this-principle-works-realitywithtid/

By TOYIN IDOWU


I feel compelled to use this column this week and address the women on some vital and sensitive issues that have been bothering me lately. In as much as I have come to identify the roles of women as being vital and complicated, I equally need them to understand that there is a part of them that really need to come up to be able to have a robust nature.

Why is it so difficult to get through to women and help them in some instances which are mostly salient, sensitive and destructive? Have you realized that most times, you have always been the vulnerable ones when issues happen and your issues come so strong with attitudes that are not welcoming from men? But must you join hands with the men to completely run you down till you become what you were not originally created for?
We all know you are carved-out to submit to the men in your lives of which you are under obligation to do if you must enjoy your marriage. However, that submission has a boundary and if you ask me, I will tell you that it must be balanced! For example, you were never created to submit to and harbor a pedophile of a husband; your creator never sees your submission in the light of defending and excusing a sexually promiscuous husband who chases anything in skirt including your daughters (step daughters most times) and your blood sisters. The last time I checked, your creator never informed you that your obedience to your husband is absolute to the point that if he is making you a mini porn star, or a punching bag, it is still very much okay to keep mute and cover him up!

Pardon me, this write-up is not a wholistic view of what women are not doing right but an objective assessment and caution on realizing who they are and what they are not in life so I may not really be able to meet your expectation as to what a natural African man would want from me on this issue. This literarily puts me in a situation to be tongue-lashed even by women themselves (which doesn’t bother me anyway) but before you start doing that, I wish to let you know that my intention is not for you to start disrespecting your husbands neither am I supporting women neglecting and swopping their roles, rather the intention is to let you know that there are some things you are taking too far all in the name of the weaker vessel syndrome. I have two examples to share with you which could make you relate better with my line of thought.

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE:
http://expressng.com/2015/04/realitywithtid-women-please-stop-this-nonsense/

By TOYIN IDOWU

Resumption is here again when most parents are faced with the challenge of finding good schools for their children. It’s either the first school your children would be attending or you are just changing school for them due to one reason or the other like moving to a new area or you were just dissatisfied with the former one. There are basically some things to consider when scouting for a new school some of which are more important than others. Below are some tips to guide you.

The first thing you should have at the back of your mind is that you can never get a school that suits your desire absolutely, schools that have everything you had ever wanted are never in existence. There would always be one thing or the other that you may likely have to overlook and cope with; it could be the colour or the design of the school uniform, the lunch menu, the after school class arrangement, the school bus itinerary, the school fees etc. Whatever the case may be, make sure you don’t have a sensitive issue to cope with that could mar your child’s career. For example, if a school has teachers who don’t dress properly, or don’t know how to develop the children’s skills, I think you need to review your choice with your spouse; they are too sensitive issues to be overlooked.

The kind of future you would like to create for your children matters a lot and the grooming begins right from their pre-nursery days. If you want an outstanding, courageous child that will stand tall among his or her peers, then anyhow school won’t work for you but if you want a child that will just be there, who goes to school because everybody goes to school, then you can afford to peach your tent in a school that will enable you achieve that. The future you envision for your child matters a lot and don’t forget, this is the foundation you are building for your own future as well which you must give serious consideration to.

Clean and secure location is a non-negotiable characteristic you should look out for especially for your pre-schools. There should not be any health and safety hazards anywhere around the school. Furniture and any equipment must not have sharp edges. Electric outlets must have covers and anything else that poses harm to kids should be kept out of their reach. Furthermore, is the school located by major road side, major motor parks, markets or any other area very liable to attack from riots in the community? How effective are the internal security personnel? How easy is it for the security control measures to be punctured by an outsider? These questions are very important in deciding which school you choose.

It’s not just enough for a school to be established, it must be well equipped with the necessary basic facilities to keep the school kid-friendly. Check out for facilities such as the sick bay or at least first aid box, toilet room, no-slip flooring both for play and learning, various types of toys, library for good story books, learning aids in form of CDs. The classrooms should be well-lit and well ventilated. Positive and colourful designs should be visible for the kids.

Finance is very important! Under normal condition, parents are supposed to have started saving for their children’s education right from the cradle but due to one reason or the other, most of us don’t get to start doing it on time in this part of the world. For whatever its worth, your finance should be considered so that you don’t put your child through emotional trauma of being sent in and out of the school at intervals for inability to meet up with payment deadlines. Some of us have been there before; it doesn’t smell nice at all. Don’t fall into the illusion that the most expensive school would be the best for your child. There are still schools that charge moderate fees yet they deliver and would easily fit into your child’s career plan. Try cutting your coat according to your size.

However, there are times when you have to stretch yourself a bit more than you could afford at a time. Times you don’t have to consider the financial implication but all you are set out for is giving your child the best because we are talking about the child’s foundation here. Child’s education is one of the aspects of life that could sometimes defy the saying that one should cut his coat according to his or her size. The reason is that cheap things could be more expensive on the long run. For example, if you are considering your pocket and you send your child to a mushroom school with no capable hands, by the time the school is done with him or her, it’s either you spend more money to rebuild the already messed-up foundation again or he goes on building on the faulty foundation. If you have schools around and it’s like they don’t meet the educational standard you had envisioned for your kid, if you see a better one but a bit more expensive than what you felt you could afford, I don’t think you should hesitate taking your child there. All you need do is structure your finances and let some things go off your list for some time. I know quite a number of “big boys” in town who do monthly contribution to pay school fees for their children.

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE READING
http://expressng.com/2015/04/parents-here-are-tips-to-help-you-locate-good-schools/

By TOYIN IDOWU

Resumption is here again when most parents are faced with the challenge of finding good schools for their children. It’s either the first school your children would be attending or you are just changing school for them due to one reason or the other like moving to a new area or you were just dissatisfied with the former one. There are basically some things to consider when scouting for a new school some of which are more important than others. Below are some tips to guide you.

The first thing you should have at the back of your mind is that you can never get a school that suits your desire absolutely, schools that have everything you had ever wanted are never in existence. There would always be one thing or the other that you may likely have to overlook and cope with; it could be the colour or the design of the school uniform, the lunch menu, the after school class arrangement, the school bus itinerary, the school fees etc. Whatever the case may be, make sure you don’t have a sensitive issue to cope with that could mar your child’s career. For example, if a school has teachers who don’t dress properly, or don’t know how to develop the children’s skills, I think you need to review your choice with your spouse; they are too sensitive issues to be overlooked.

The kind of future you would like to create for your children matters a lot and the grooming begins right from their pre-nursery days. If you want an outstanding, courageous child that will stand tall among his or her peers, then anyhow school won’t work for you but if you want a child that will just be there, who goes to school because everybody goes to school, then you can afford to peach your tent in a school that will enable you achieve that. The future you envision for your child matters a lot and don’t forget, this is the foundation you are building for your own future as well which you must give serious consideration to.

Clean and secure location is a non-negotiable characteristic you should look out for especially for your pre-schools. There should not be any health and safety hazards anywhere around the school. Furniture and any equipment must not have sharp edges. Electric outlets must have covers and anything else that poses harm to kids should be kept out of their reach. Furthermore, is the school located by major road side, major motor parks, markets or any other area very liable to attack from riots in the community? How effective are the internal security personnel? How easy is it for the security control measures to be punctured by an outsider? These questions are very important in deciding which school you choose.

It’s not just enough for a school to be established, it must be well equipped with the necessary basic facilities to keep the school kid-friendly. Check out for facilities such as the sick bay or at least first aid box, toilet room, no-slip flooring both for play and learning, various types of toys, library for good story books, learning aids in form of CDs. The classrooms should be well-lit and well ventilated. Positive and colourful designs should be visible for the kids.

Finance is very important! Under normal condition, parents are supposed to have started saving for their children’s education right from the cradle but due to one reason or the other, most of us don’t get to start doing it on time in this part of the world. For whatever its worth, your finance should be considered so that you don’t put your child through emotional trauma of being sent in and out of the school at intervals for inability to meet up with payment deadlines. Some of us have been there before; it doesn’t smell nice at all. Don’t fall into the illusion that the most expensive school would be the best for your child. There are still schools that charge moderate fees yet they deliver and would easily fit into your child’s career plan. Try cutting your coat according to your size.

However, there are times when you have to stretch yourself a bit more than you could afford at a time. Times you don’t have to consider the financial implication but all you are set out for is giving your child the best because we are talking about the child’s foundation here. Child’s education is one of the aspects of life that could sometimes defy the saying that one should cut his coat according to his or her size. The reason is that cheap things could be more expensive on the long run. For example, if you are considering your pocket and you send your child to a mushroom school with no capable hands, by the time the school is done with him or her, it’s either you spend more money to rebuild the already messed-up foundation again or he goes on building on the faulty foundation. If you have schools around and it’s like they don’t meet the educational standard you had envisioned for your kid, if you see a better one but a bit more expensive than what you felt you could afford, I don’t think you should hesitate taking your child there. All you need do is structure your finances and let some things go off your list for some time. I know quite a number of “big boys” in town who do monthly contribution to pay school fees for their children.

PLEASE, CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE
http://expressng.com/2015/04/parents-here-are-tips-to-help-you-locate-good-schools/

By TOYIN IDOWU

Marriage is a union of two or more people that creates a family tie and carries legal social rights and responsibilities. In this family tie, the man is seen and regarded as the head, not only the head but the driver, the protector and the provider. He is held responsible for key decisions made and whatever the marriage results into, he is being held accountable for it. For any marriage to be successful and achieve the above mentioned purposes, there must be understanding that stems from the fact that the two people involved are getting along with each other well. The man is tasked with the responsibility of pulling the woman along; he is expected to lead while the woman follows. However, some people can’t just get along with each other because the cogent determining factor is the age disparity. Quite a lot have associated the role of a man and its resultant success to his age being ahead of his wife’s but for some people, it doesn’t matter. As a matter of fact, some folks have set age limit while deciding on who to marry.

Should a man’s age be truly a limiting factor? Is there any law that out rightly states that a wife must be younger than the husband or we just felt that is how it should be based on the responsibility hinged on the man as the head of the family? I doubt it, even not in the bible. If age is really to be considered in this aspect, how come we have people we report to as our bosses in the office who are quite younger than us in age? Then we can as well say that the president of a country should be the oldest of all! Further argument on this is that it could hinder a man from exercising his authority over a woman older than him due to pride from the woman’s end. In as much as it seems valid, we need to understand that even in situations where the man is well advanced in age than the woman, we still have cases of the man finding it so difficult to exercise his authority. The point here is that a weak man will always be weak irrespective of age difference and a proud and non-submitting wife will always be one irrespective of her age too. The most important thing is for the man to be matured enough with a deep sense of self confidence who will never for once feel intimidated because of his wife’s age and for the woman to actually understand her place in the man’s life. I am not proposing a master to slave relationship here neither am I advocating that man should be control freak, rather, I am trying to outline some basic principles in marriage.

Another notion about this issue worth talking about is that women age faster than men. Yes, it is scientifically proven that women do appear to age faster due to the fact that they lose collagens (a group of protein in the dermis responsible for the strength of the skin) at a faster rate than men which result in wrinkles. And the after effect of menopause contribute to this to a reasonable extent also. In as much as we have these facts to hold unto, there is a good news that looks could be genetic both in male and female, so it may not necessarily follow. Moreover, looks get refreshed and enhanced with the right habit like avoiding crash diets, eating enough fruits, less exposure to sunlight, having enough rest, avoiding smoking and alcohol, avoiding stress, revitalizing the skin by taking enough water and having a shower at bedtime without applying any cream. All these activities make the skin relax by growing more proteins which invariably make anyone age gracefully over time. There are lot of women in their sixties but look like they are still in their late forties. And some, you could hardly differentiate between them and their daughters. I think everything boils down to how well women are able to take care of themselves.

The major reason why guys shy away from marrying ladies older than them despite the fact that they possess qualities they had preferred; like maturity, humility, etc which the other younger ladies they once dated seldom have is that people are more inclined to living their lives for others at the expense of what benefits them. We are quick to put into consideration what people would say and think about the union forgetting the fact that peoples’ opinions on issues like this don’t count because they are not the one holding the steering wheel but you do, so you have a particular direction in your head which you shouldn’t let peoples’ opinion change. I really believe that if an individual or two make up their minds to let something work out well, against all odds, it will definitely be. If it is an older woman you have come to love, please make your life fulfilled! Why marry to make others happy?

Treatment of this topic is not limited to the above mentioned areas. There are still other things to be considered which are in a way deeper than these. This age thing is not all about compatibility and love alone. It equally goes beyond damning the consequences of what people could say or think. It actually goes beyond arriving at a decision to always do what would make her age gracefully because you can do all these and still get messed up in your head when issues come up. I need to let you know that this is one of the few issues we can’t be rigid about. You cannot say categorically that it’s right to do neither can you say it’s a wrong thing to do. The simple reason for this is that one man’s meat, is a poison to the throat of another man. Individual differences play out here real good…mainly a personal thing. Have you asked whether your personality can accommodate this type of marriage and won’t give it a consideration to back out? For the fact that someone else does it and it works doesn’t mean you have to do it if you are not the type that could cope with marrying an older lady and the challenges that come with it.

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO FINISH UP
http://expressng.com/2015/04/should-a-man-marry-a-lady-older-than-him/

By TOYIN IDOWU



On 31st March 2015, a 55 year old man named Peter Godsday Orubebe serving as a polling agent for the People’s Democratic Party, made frantic attempt to disorganise the proceedings of the 2015 presidential election collation over some issues he was aggrieved at during the presidential election. The situation was so embarrassing that it took few minutes for the news to spread all over the world. However, while people were busy taunting him and making mockery of the whole situation, one key thing kept coming to my mind and that was his wife and children! How do they cope with him? I tried to imagine what the wife especially, has been coping with all along as a result of this demented act. My thought gravitated towards other ladies in marriage and courtship who have this type of men in their lives. Only God knows the type of emotional wreckage they could have experienced just because the men in their lives don’t have their tempers under control. This precipitated my decision to look into this type of personality and come up with somethings to help our ladies because if you are caught in marriage with such a guy, the most appropriate thing to do from the onset is to learn to manage him.

It became so interesting when Wikipedia updated his profile and it became a word to reckon with online. Now, Orubebe means to rudely interrupt an important meeting, throwing tantrums like a little kid which may attract scolding from a mature and wiser adult. Please, who does this if not a short-tempered man? More often than not, many ladies have found out they are hooked with a man with temper tantrums as this Orubebe being described here. One thing is that the guy didn’t start when he got into relationship with you but majorly a foundational thing from childhood and you can be assured that you won’t be able to change him, at least in the early years of your relationship. There are quite a lot of traits that a man exhibits which could indicate how he will treat you in the relationship. However, it becomes a sort of concern that most ladies focus on less important things such as his bank account, cars, dress sense, how good he is in bed, how romantic and all those things but practically ignore how such deals with his anger.

Yes, the Orubebe kind of man practically means a short-tempered man who is quickly moved to anger and irascible. But this is not only referring to a man who is violent or abusive, we can equally consider a man that overreacts to a situation when he is angry which may not necessarily come with violence or usage of strong words. For example, if your husband starves you of sex just because you made him go late for his appointment or your fiancé ignores you for days because you kept him waiting for an outing or yells at you during an argument that is supposed to be constructive, that is an overreaction. In this write up, we will quickly take a look at the tell-tale signs of men with the Orubebe kind of temper and then see how we can manage them in our affairs.

Your man is Orubebe-like in temperament if he is:

Ø Mostly impatient

Ø Easily moved to anger

Ø Quick to blame people around for his issues, especially you, his wife

Ø Not keeping his reaction under check when things don’t go his way. Most times, not because of integrity but just an anger problem.

Ø Getting angry and displays his tantrums now and then the next minute, he has gotten over it

Ø Being avoided by people around him because of his rage

Ø Very sensitive to opposing views to the point that his partner tip-toes around him in order not to get him upset

Ø In extreme cases, being shielded away from delicate items

Ø Extremely jealous and a control freak

Ø Having unrealistic expectations from you. For example, he expects you to be the perfect woman that would meet every of his needs



If any of the above ten points sound like your man, then let’s talk about how you can manage him. Kindly note that not all short-tempered people are dysfunctional. Most of the times it is a sign of their energetic personalities. Such a man may be attractive when he’s in a good mood, but his weakness will rob a woman of her self-esteem and beauty.

Let Patience Be Your Second Nature

I understand the difficulty in accepting and understanding an orubebe kind of man but then, you have got to do what you need to do in order to secure your home and help your man get better. You can’t be hasty in emotions just the same way your hubby is, that will spoil a lot of things in your relationship. Being calm and patient will not only prevent frequent tension, but will equally caution him to start learning from you. In as much as it lies in your power, avoid giving your hubby room to let his negative attitudes dictate your actions.

Always Withdraw To While Away Time

Like I mentioned above, one of the characteristics of an ill-tempered man is that he cools down fast as much as he rages with anger. If you have been able to understand this, all you need to do is just to discipline yourself to always withdraw from the scene or from reacting to enable you buy time. Before you know it, his emotions have waned and then you can tactically pick it up from there to articulate your concerns. Most times, he is usually the one that warms up to you’ then you can use the opportunity to send in your message. But this may not be every time.

Avoid Reacting To Trivial Issues

A short-tempered person flares up over every petty and stupid issue like being stuck in traffic, trying to locate an address or a misplaced item, unpalatable meal etc. Someone who has his temper under check could just overlook or make a remark and move on but for your orubebe kind of man, that’s more than enough reason to turn the world upside down and create tension around him. Even if he has done something that sincerely warrant you bursting out, the best way to handle him most times is just not to react at all because at times, your reaction could eventually be what could trigger off the anger more.

Flee Arguments

Don’t forget that when your hubby gets angry, he’s already enrolled on a short fuse which has the tendency of gravitating from petty issue to a bigger one if you are not careful. At this point, your best bet is to sensibly show your concern and understanding on whatever could have been the matter even though his rage is uncalled for. Avoid trying to make him see things from another perspective to shift his position. No amount of explanation can make him reason with you, rather, it will only degenerate to stronger argument.

Talk To Him About It

When your man vents his anger on you repeatedly and displays some nasty behaviour, it has a way of affecting your self-esteem and making you feel unsafe around him even though he keeps apologising. Don’t get deceived by that action of his, you don’t have to always receive him with arms open wide each time but try and verbalise your disgust. This will put him in check and prevent him from getting used to this trick time and again knowing fully well that he can find his way into your warm embrace simply by saying sorry. Let him know you are being hurt!

Encourage Him To Seek Help

Respectfully encourage him to seek help from seasoned counsellors and psychologists. Quite a number of orubebe husbands don’t even know that they need help. They don’t even see it as a problem in the first place but you can help to make him realise this and talk him to seeking help. The danger it possesses to health for example could be used to buttress your point.


For more relationship write-ups and interviews, visit www.toyinidowu..com
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Reality With Toyin Idowu is available on Expressng.com every Thursday.

By TOYIN IDOWU

Last week, I spoke to you through this medium on how pornography could mess up your marriage of which I am sure you got a lot from it. This week, I would like to go further by exposing some tell-tale signs that could manifest in your partner which may point to the fact that there is something you need to worry about a bit.

It could be pretty difficult to lay your hands on what could seem to have been the problem, but the bottom line is that your relationship is stressed for no just cause especially in the bedroom and there are recurring problems in your marriage which you can’t figure out. Though the signs of porn addiction are quite slippery and difficult to nail, some of them even have similar features to other vices like extra marital affairs, drug addiction etc but if you are noticing traces of these signs I am about to discuss in your partner, I think he or she owes you some concrete explanations.

Quickly, let me make it clear that the objective of this write-up is not for you to discover anything and become judgmental or assume the position of an accuser against your spouse rather, it’s aimed at you looking for possible ways of giving him or her necessary helping hand so that your marriage could work better. If anything is discovered, it could even point out to a subtle fact that there’s something you’re not likely doing right (though not necessarily) or you could even be wrong altogether in your observations and assessment. Hence, there is need for you to handle this with patience and due carefulness. Remember, it’s your marriage, “as you lay your bed, you lie on it,” says an adage.



Lack Of Interest In Sex. This is the sign that would most likely get you worried first! Even though a lot of porn addicts would want sex at regular intervals as they grow in their addiction but you are likely to find out that your husband or wife now lacks interest in sex or becomes indifferent to it. He or she now sexually becomes unresponsive. Most times, you are the one initiating sex which you don’t even enjoy because your partner is not just interested and participating. There seems to be an emotional gulf while making love! Another under lining problem in this category is the fact that your partner could be having trouble becoming sexually aroused. For example, there could have been a lot of extra effort being made from your part to stimulate him or her to get turned-on or have an orgasm. The reason is not far-fetched, his or her mind is used to getting stimulated by porn so he or she can’t just get it off in a record time with a real partner.

Withdrawal. Is your spouse withdrawing or dodging activities from you and even the family? Most often, people in this mess have unexplained absences and inability to account for excessive amount of time spent especially on the internet. They suddenly have a changed bedtime routine because they now have dysfunctional bond with their gadgets. Aside this, there is this kind of frozen feeling porn addicts develop in the long run which makes them lose touch with real relationships especially with their spouses and children. I term it emotional withdrawal.

Unethical Sexual Acts. Sex is a spontaneous act that is peculiar to different couples, that’s why we may really not be able to generally rubber stamp, a specific acts that is ethical, but sex is expected to be interesting and creative for both. It gets better on a daily basis in as much as any of the parties is not stingy with his or her body. However, sexual acts become unethical when things that either of the parties is not comfortable with or have not talked about and agreed on are (forcefully or instantly) introduced. When your spouse suddenly goes wild on bed, becomes fetish and demanding, it could be an indication that he or she has been feeding his imagination with some wild scenes as well. Is your partner pressurizing you to engage in sexual activities that are either physically or emotionally uncomfortable for you? Is he or she now rougher suddenly during sex? Has his or her sexual taste suddenly changed? Is he or she treating you like an object and not someone he or she loves? Or is your partner making some insensitive sexual comments which embarrass you?

Ambiguity. When you query your spouse about your suspicion on pornography, you are most likely to get unsatisfactory, vague, defensive and hostile answers yet you are finding evidence of lying and porn materials. When you make an unannounced appearance into the room for example, does your spouse become nervous and make a sort of jerky reflex reaction? And when you hardly can make out any sense from his answers, then there is something to watch out for.

FOR CONTINUATION, KINDLY CLICK THE LINK BELOW:
http://expressng.com/2015/04/red-flags-signs-that-your-spouse-could-be-porn-addicted/

By TOYIN IDOWU

I want to dedicate this week’s edition to addressing the married couples on the subject of pornography which has become lurid in a lot of homes. Although, quite a number of people that have been involved in porn materials claim that it helps them spice up their sexual lives in marriage. No other reasons has been given apart from this but the truth is that the disadvantages to marriage obviously outweigh any advantage you could ever think of. So what the heck?

Pornography is identified as any sexually explicit materials like films, magazines, writings, photographs or other materials that are sexually explicit and intended to cause sexual arousal.

According to science, pornography trains brains to release more endorphins than normal in response to an overload of sexual stimuli. After a while, depending on how long the brains have been on pornography, they develop a need for higher dose in order to achieve the same arousal. This apparently leads to more hardcore porn and higher quantities of it with longer period of time expended on it. It does not only limit your ability to become aroused at all, but also can limit your dopamine receptors in general, causing you to become more anxious, less social, and perhaps depressed.

Moreover, the younger you were when you began watching pornography, the worse the effects would be on you. For the married, which is what I am concentrating on here, it may seem helpful even now, but trust me, couples who are into pornography have a price to pay for their casual acceptance of it. You and your spouse will be on a safer side if you decide to go on steadily with the spontaneity of sex.

Below are six reasons why I would not encourage couples to go into pornography for any reason:


*Pornography warps your attitudes and values! It has a dramatic effect on how you view women, sexual abuse, and sex in general. It also makes you develop appetite for more deviant and bizarre type of pornography which has the tendency to make you lack confidence in your marriage. It gives you the impression that sex is unrelated to love, commitment or marriage. If you get into pornography for too long, there is every tendency for you to begin to see women as valueless, ordinary tool to be used anytime to satisfy one’s lust and not respected. It skews your perception of what beauty is and gives you unreasonable standards for sex with your wife or husband.


*Porn destroys major sex life! Studies and observations have shown that viewing pornography at regular intervals diminishes couples’ attraction to and satisfaction with their real-life partners. What happens majorly here is that when a partner stays long on pornography, the attention and attraction is shifted from his or her real life partner to the porn materials most especially if such gets aroused on time from the materials. Repeated exposure to pornography not only results in a diminished sexual arousal but also a decreased satisfaction with the partner and the sexuality. Medically speaking, prolactin is one of the chemicals that flows after lovemaking and leaves us contented and more attached to our partner but this could be inhibited where pornography is a lifestyle. Pornography doesn’t satisfy!


*Pornography has a way of encouraging extra marital affairs! The reason is that when couples, especially the man, gets into pornography, his expectations become very high and unrealistic in the bedroom forgetting the fact that things were not really the way they seemed in the material he’s been addicted to. Let it be known that the actors and actresses in pornography are paid to create an aura of enjoyment and satisfaction even when it is not pleasant leading to the assumption that merely walking into a room could automatically spark off something. Quite a number are on drugs and surgically enhanced to boost their performances, so it becomes worse when his partner wouldn’t be able to live up to his wild expectations in order to fulfil his insatiable crave. Following this through in your marriage will definitely cause frustration and push you out to try another object out of marriage for variety.

FOR CONTINUATION, PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW:
http://expressng.com/2015/03/6-reasons-how-pornography-harms-your-marriage/

Most people, when they get married, tend to relax and start loafing around in their new found status because they are of the opinion that getting married is the ultimate achievement. Getting married is an achievement really, but not the ultimate achievement in itself. The ultimate achievement is the success of that marriage. And to really achieve success in any marriage there has to be an intentional investment of effort and energy into one’s marriage on a consistent basis to make it work or else it would crumble right under our nose.

To be complacent is to be uncritically satisfied with oneself or one’s achievement often without awareness of some potential danger or defect. Most times, couples quickly get to the point where they take each other for granted, stop working on themselves individually to get better, stop investing into each other and begin swopping the relevance of their marriages for other mundane things. This makes relationships to quickly become routine and eventually lead to the point where couples are said to be complacent in their relationship. Marital complacency is subtle in nature because often times, couples don’t realise the crack or problem until the damage has been done, most times half-way or far beyond that.

Unfortunately, most married people will just overlook this issue because they assume their partners know how they feel about them or that they know their partners more than he or she does but the truth is, the person you thought you knew months or years back has evolved into another person entirely because he or she has not been nurtured and attended to. In all honesty, when you get to this point, it simply shows one of the early warning signs of a marriage in trouble. Marital complacency is a sneaky little problem so never you assume that you and your spouse know each other so well that you don’t need to work on your relationship.

Let us look at some areas to watch out for in order to avoid trouble in your marriage through complacency.

Shun Rigidity.

When there is a hurricane, the big trees are uprooted by the force of the wind because they are too rigid to withstand the toughness of the wind and are easily uprooted but the grasses survive due to flexibility. It’s sad when couples have various ideas on how to make more money and have a wow standard of living but know next to nothing on how to beat down rigidity in marriages. When you tone down your rigid nature in marriage, it means at each point, either of you is indulging one another which eventually beats down complacency. Stop that nasty attitude of he-knew-I-was-this-way-before-he-married-me and vice versa. Avoid being complacent because you are married and develop yourself. If you pick nose for example, and your spouse isn’t comfortable with it, discipline yourself to change and improve. Avoiding rigidity makes your marriage more interesting and not boring on daily basis. Besides compromising to indulge each other, don’t be satisfied with your ways of doing things and happenings in your marriage; no matter how good and mundane things seem to be, there will always be new way of doing the same thing to make it better for each other in and out of the home. Introduce surprises! For example, if as a woman, your hubby likes taking eba, do you believe you can go as far as trying your hand on a new way to make it even though it looks so simple? Do you know when you turn the gari while the water is still boiling on your burner makes it come out fluffier than when done the normal way? How about the man bringing sparks into the sexual life? How about having new challenges thrown into your relationships like either of you going for a course or training or even offering to be one of the volunteer workers in any of your local religious assembly? It’s always very good when two love birds have new things to struggle over because it has introduced a practically new dimension and focus into their relationship. Don’t be closed up with the way your parents were doing it, rather be open to try out new ways.

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO CONTINUE READING...
http://expressng.com/2015/03/complacency-saving-your-marriage-from-the-silent-destroyer-by-toyin-idowu/[b][/b]

In a way, this brings back memories

That's a federal road nah.
Even though its a federal road, the last time fashola tried to bring sanity on the road, PEople tagged him "ANTI PEOPLE". Same set of people are complaining now.

NA wah ooo. Thought FG awarded the contract to fix that road. It is appalling to note that, major part of the road is very very bad even though some parts have been fixed.

One can only wonder why FG will abandon a place where they generate BILLIONS of Naira monthly (TINCAN AND WHARF)

soe:
Lagos is providing employment to the Ibos without bias...but some people won't see that...they'll scream..."he's deporting our people"
Lagos govt has an ibo in its cabinet. Show me where else this is done.
We need mutual love and understanding...don't let PdP divide us across religious ethnic lines pls.

I like your line of thought. We shouldn't be divided along religious/ethnic lines oo.