₦airaland Forum

These so-called women beaters have clearly never crossed paths with my ex-girlfriend, Chizoba. Hands down, the most beautiful girl I ever laid eyes on, sweet as sugar and talented at, well, everything —which is exactly why she ended up becoming one of the most successful hookup queens in Nigeria.

A while back, I got curious and decided to disguise myself as a rich guy to chat her up. She hit me with the "400k for one night or nothing" line. Meanwhile, I’d be thanking God if I saw that kind of money in a year!

But rewind to our relationship days, back when she was still getting the hang of her street hustle. One fateful evening, she came home at 9 p.m., way later than expected. I was fuming, thinking, “I’m the man of the house!” So, in a fit of stupidity, I slapped her without waiting for an explanation.

Big mistake.

As soon as I followed up with a second slap, I suddenly learned the true meaning of “what a man can do, a woman can do better.” Before I knew it, she yanked me by my worn-out shirt and served me a slap so hard it nearly rearranged my face. It felt like one of her fingers jabbed straight into my eye socket.

While I was still trying to regain my vision, she upgraded the beating—launching the pointy end of her Akpola shoe directly at my head. Blood was pouring down my face like I was auditioning for a horror movie. The girl didn’t stop until our compound's resident enemy, Mr. Tolu (who I was always fighting with), rushed in to save me from further damage.

Lesson learned: never again will I raise my hand to a woman. Chizoba taught me that the hard way.

Ah, flashback to my one and only day at Atani Boys. The school was basically a gathering of kids from humble homes and house helps, so when I showed up, I felt like a king among peasants—or, more accurately, a one-eyed man in the land of the blind.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my dad didn’t throw me into Atani because we were struggling. No, no. I was just that kid who consistently came last in class at my old school. He figured Atani Boys might level the playing field. Spoiler: It did not.

So there I was, entering JSS3B, and I swear, everyone looked like they had been personally offended by life itself. Even Mr. Ajo, the CRS teacher, welcomed me with a face so grim it could have curdled milk.

When lunch came around, I proudly pulled out my rice—only to realize I was the only kid in the entire school with an actual meal. The murderous stare from one kid, Okite, whose face seemed to be permanently stuck in “angry mode,” made that rice taste like sawdust. I was too scared to even swallow.

But then, the real drama happened. Just as I opened my water bottle, a few drops splashed onto Okite. Before I could apologize or explain, I blinked and found myself in the principal’s office, drenched in water... the same water they had just used to revive me.

They told me Okite was 11, but trust me, his fists were at least 25. That was my first—and very much my last—day at Atani Boys.

Reminds me of my wild FUTO days, when I still believed in "miracle centers" for exams. So, there I was, completely clueless about who taught MTH 211 but very certain I had to pass. My friend Ekong, being the “wise” guy he is, told me about this church where the God of the pastor supposedly shows up during exams to magically fill your answer sheet.

Now, like any desperate student, I didn’t ask too many questions. Before I knew it, we were in church, vibing through the 4th offering. It was only after I emptied my wallet into the offering basket that reality hit me—unless I plan to live on air and sunshine, my next meal was probably going to be stolen. How did I let this sweet-talking pastor charm me out of all my money?

Still, I consoled myself with the thought that the pastor’s God would appear in the exam hall and start writing MTH 211 for me. Fast forward to exam day—no divine intervention in sight. Instead, I got the glorious company of Mr. Osai, who spent the entire exam staring at my blank answer sheet like he was trying to solve a mystery.

By the time we had 10 minutes left, all I had written was my name, reg number, and the course code. In my moment of desperation, I "borrowed" the answers to the objective questions from our class rep Charles, just as Mr. Osai announced we had five minutes left. Spoiler alert: 10 marks from objective questions weren’t exactly going to save me from failing.

After the exam, I delivered a solid two-piece combo to Ekong’s face. It was that punch that made him swear to refund every kobo I’d given in offerings at that “miracle” church.

Long story short, I didn’t fail. I eventually sorted the course after selling my phones. And that, my friends, was the turning point—no more miracle centers, no more miracle preachers, just me and my books.

This takes me back to my Chem 101 exam at FUTO. Now, I wasn’t exactly best friends with textbooks, but I had to impress my crush, Amaka—you know, before she turned hookup queen. So, I rolled into the exam hall, armed with cheat sheets like a professional smuggler, determined to help her pass and maybe score some brownie points.

First question I saw? A diagram that looked like the Congo map on drugs. I was about to consult my ‘notes’ when Mr. Etabor locked eyes with me. Quick as lightning, he called me to stand up. Being the sharp guy I am, I went full spy mode and tried swallowing the cheat sheet like a sandwich. Bad idea. Next thing I knew, this guy threw a punch so hard, I’m convinced he was an undercover boxer.

I woke up 30 minutes later, my jaw still vibrating like a Nokia ringtone. Everyone was gone except my then-girlfriend (whom I was constantly cheating on, Mr. Etabor, and security, all ready to escort me to the senate building. And Amaka? The one I was trying to impress? She was the one spreading the news faster than gossip in a hair salon.

Did I get expelled? Nope. But lesson learned: stick to people who actually like you

Akpakomiza2:
I meant eloquence

Everyone is confused in APC including you

NwaAmaikpe:




Sit down and ask yourself why Nigeria only excels in Paralympics and not in regular competitions.

In the former, competitors are shortlisted solely on merit, but in the later, padi-padi is the case.
One oga will remember his stubborn nephew who rides keke in the village and ask that they draft him into the National team to play Taekwando.

After all, if he can fight for motor park tickets he should be able to fight for medals.

Coach Courtuma will now strike out the name of a 'qualified' and replace it with the name of an 'instructed' who will then go and bring disgrace to Nigeria while competing with opponents from other nations.

Now the problem is, most ogas don't have kit or kin who are disabled, so the best of the best get to represent Nigeria and that's why Nigeria excels.

Insecurity, poverty, and hunger isn't what's pulling Nigeria down; nepotism and padi-padi is.

wc back bro , what’s your beer brand ? Reply with your OPay please 🫡

angelboy01:
Evil snake just like my ex. I hope you change your ways wherever you are Anabel.

her name is Anabel and you still went ahead to date her ??

Tinubu is not a drug lord; rather, he is an unsuccessful drug dealer. His failure in that realm stems from the same flaw causing his failure in governance (greed) . True drug lords are known for their strategic minds and bold leadership; you’d understand better if you delve into documentaries. It’s somewhat satisfying that those who voted for Tinubu now find themselves entangled in this mess alongside the rest of us—and perhaps, they’re even suffering more.

CyrusVI:
Nigerian Police intelligence Unit is top-notch

I wonder how and why they fail in other important and bigger cases

Rip to her

I can solve this crime if the government give me access to all softwares I would ask for

The criminal is not intelligent.

It’s very easy to solve crimes in Nigeria , don’t give any glory to the cops . They can do better

Watch foreign documentary about serial killers , then come back to take back your kudos

How many out of the 6kids belongs to your brother ?

You can upgrade to iPhone6 please

Factcheck0001:
Chief mourner will always b present in his mourning cloth

Too much idleness

He is not Idle, he knows how to use his time

Make them just seize am and release our assets

Trump or Nothing

Person wey suppose Dey bush with im cows , Una go make am teacher

But you are ruling under fake declaration from INEC

Nukilia:
Send the guy to firing squad straight

He probably scammed 50 people . What about the man that has been scamming 200 million people for close to a year now

Aboki head of intelligence agency 😂😂

This voice Dey do music ?? Abi ear Dey pain me

Sonofgod1990:
one of my boy picked about 11k doll last night. dat about 17million.. nice one from d government. i have about 12k doll i wil not trade am until dollar reach 3k per naira

Pick or thief ?

Efcc boss right now

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jack of all trade , focus on one

Stop the noise already

JoeRizzla:
I know this news is fake but still ate cos im a gremlin 😅
Theses guys collects not less than 3 milli per month

less than $2k 😂😂😂😂

MadamVanessa:



Nice one.

When you do the crime, get ready to do the time. No pity for idiots.

Na you go catch them ??

You know nothing about Cartels

Cry me a river . Una never see anything . didn’t vote Tinubu and I did everything to make sure no body that knows me voted him . I just transferred £324.19 to my Naira account and got 650k . Obviously, it’s Favoring me and my family . Btw , I am in Nigeria with you . I hope it gets to 5k for a dollar

DevilsEqual:


Sam Amadi. Na Igbo na. I no even bother to read him gibberish


No be this one dem say e loot money under Jonathan?

Two good reasons why he's hypocritical

This thread is for his people. Co-losers

It’s better you didn’t , you wouldn’t have understood anything.

Philipponzaghi:
Tinubu is already on the path of addressing these concerns.

Let’s not forget, governance is a journey, not a sprint. We need to give room for dialogue and constructive engagement to yield results. Solidarity and unity will pave the way for the progress we seek.

You can’t imagine the kind of poverty this guy is living on

chidiakwari:
Nigerians are not taking this protest seriously. They are looking for transgenders and gays to hound and maim while leaving the leaders that has kept them in abject poverty and penury.

Nigerians really deserve their leaders

Gay people - Harris supporters .

I spit on you