₦airaland Forum

#2. Jesus, Like a Non-Useless Aquaman

Jesus. Maybe you've heard of him. But of all the healing and feeding and returning from the dead he did, this has got to be the most awesome superpower he had, from Mark 4:35-41:



So they're out in the middle of a hurricane, tossed around like the guys on Deadliest Catch and Jesus, because he was just hardcore like that, didn't mind the drenching rain and the loud thunder and continued sleeping. His disciples woke him up and started griping with stupid complaints like "The boat is halfway under water!" and "We are going to die!"

Jesus told them they were faithless wusses and the disciples shut up. If that wasn't cool enough, he chewed out the storm, and it shut up, too. That has to be our favorite part, how he's just annoyed by the whole thing, as if being bothered to stop an entire weather systems was equivalent to getting woken up by your girlfriend to go kill a spider in the bathroom.

If we could do that ...

Between communicating with storms, walking on water and turning water into wine, the man pretty much had the whole water thing under his thumb. In some sense, we'd be like a non-useless aquaman, if that is even possible.



The Downside:
We're not completely sure what street crime we could stop with this ability, since the city would probably rather deal with the Joker than the eight-foot wall of water we'd use to kill him.

But man, if you're trying to commit a crime on the high seas, watch out. We're telling you right now that, with the simple addition of Jesus' water-command, ours would be a world entirely without pirates. Well, without the shitty boring kind at least.

#3. Samson and His Lion-Crushing Strength

Samson is well known as one of the all-time badasses, and he got started early. From Judges 14: 5-6


The writer points out that Samson tore apart a lion as easily as one would tear apart a young goat, which says something about the era they lived in since we're not sure we could tear apart a goat with the aid of a machine designed for the purpose.

He then made sure that his parents, who were with him, didn't know anything about it, probably using the old "Hey, look over there, and continue to do so while ignoring the grotesque sounds and spray of blood coming from this general direction." Most intriguing about this might be the fact that the Lion came "roaring" toward Samson, and yet he still killed it so quickly that his folks didn't find out. Big points for efficiency, right there.

After this, the legacy of Samson began, in which he killed enough people to populate a small city.

If we could do that ...
Biblical scholars have bitterly debated whether or not Samson could have stood up to modern weaponry. He clearly could not be killed with swords or spears, but was later killed when a building fell on him. We're actually not sure how much crime we'd want to be fighting if we could still be brought down with a bullet to the head.

No, we'd probably wind up with a lucrative career on the Mixed Martial Arts circuit instead. As for the lion-wrestling thing, it's hard to imagine that ever coming up unless we were drunk at the zoo.


The Downside:
Worth noting that Samson really only uses his super strength at times when danger is imminent, or (more often) when he was pissed off about something. We do believe we've got ourselves an Incredible Hulk on our hands.

But unlike the Hulk, Samson's weakness was that all his powers came from his long hair, so should it ever be shaved, he would lose his strength. That weakness seems pretty easy for the bad guys to exploit should they find out about it.

In Samson's case, his bitchy girlfriend, Delilah, nagged him until he revealed this fact at which point she shaved him and handed him over to his enemies. So we guess you could say Samson had two weaknesses, the other being boobs.

#4. Moses, Aaron and Their Magic Staff

In a part of the Bible some of you know from the movie The Ten Commandments, Moses and sidekick Aaron were about to lead the Jews out of Egypt when God told them to show the Pharaoh a new trick with his staff. So in Exodus 7:10-12:



Sure the magicians were able to pull off the snake trick with slightly less hungry snakes. But based on our experience with Egyptian magic, we bet those guys just threw down rubber snakes their magicians assistants wiggled around the floor with a wire.

Also, the above example is only one of many times those staffs come in handy. Before long, Moses and Aaron were using their magic staffs to turn rivers into blood, spread disease through the land and even summon armies of locusts. It was basically like God declared their staffs to be wild cards in a hand of terrifying superpower poker.

If we could do that ...
Crime does not want to see us out on the streets with one of these. Point a gun at us, buddy? Watch as it turns into a swarm of killer bees that sting your face off.

We'd be like a combination of Batman and Harry Potter, only instead of tiny wands we'd have huge freaking staffs that would also serve as clubs, or giant legs of fried chicken if we got hungry, or wanted to make a beating particularly humiliating. Though despite their ability to do anything, we suspect we'd still use the "turn into a snake" feature the most.



The Downside:
Like wizards, they seemed to become very weak without their staffs, so there are some serious problems there, particularly when you've got it in snake mode and it goes slithering under a car.

If we could ask God for just one thing, it'd be this: We want superpowers like people in the Bible had.

Is that too much to ask? We could do a lot with our powers, some of it good. So why not? It used to happen quite a bit, the Bible is full of people who God infused with powers that would put most of the Marvel and DC lineup to shame. Such as:


#5. Ezekiel and His Zombie Army

Ezekiel was a prophet. For most Biblical prophets, this meant having freaky visions, telling them to people, being mocked and most likely being executed for heresy. But it was all worth it, when things like this happened:



in Ezekiel 37: 1-14, he raises a freaking army of the undead.

If we could do that ...
An army of the undead, right at our fingertips? Imagine the bank-robbers running when suddenly rotting arms reach up from the ground, grab that sack of cash, steal his car and beat him with his own intestines. But crime fighting is just the beginning, we're thinking there's really an incredible number of uses for your legions of undead henchman.



Also, it's not too far-fetched to assume that this would work on animals as well, so zombie horsemen could give us some serious mobility.

The Downside:
This special ability seems to require having a lot of exposed skeletons laying around, a resource we probably won't find while fighting crime with Spider-Man in New York (unless there are some neighborhoods that are way worse than we initially thought).

Secondly, some people might get a bit uneasy about the whole walking around town followed by an army of terrifying zombies. It's one of the tenets of being a superhero that your presence doesn't prompt horrified shrieks from children. So we would have to move somewhere where freakishly impossible and ethically questionable things won't seem out of place. Maybe the Netherlands.

@Obadiah, do not bother yourself with those cantenkerous heathens. They are suffering from spiritual blindness and the curse of Ham. The great Yah has given them a reprobate mind so it's not their fault.

This same story again!
When will you guys stop recycling this trash?
Is it by force to serve Jesus?
My allegiance is to the Loch-ness monster and his only begotten son Santa Claus.

*mouth open wide in disbelief*

Pay money to get supernatural blessing.
*reverts back to opening mouth*

^^^ Salvation from what exactly? Hell?
So if there were no hell, will you bother about salvation? (if your answer is no, then you are serving your God because you fear hell and not because you love your God).
Imagine, God created hell and then threatens his own creations to subservience with that same hell.
Even the Satan that you are always accusing of trying to be like God, can you categorically tell me what he did to warrant the everlasting torture? He wanted a higher position, he rebelled, he failed. A wise God would put him in a correctional facility and try to correct the fault in his creation but what did your God do? He hurls him to earth to cause havoc. Everything happening in this world is the fault of your God, he could have ended everything before it even began but he decided to let it play out even when he knew the outcome. Why didn't he take his advice of purging the evil before it has a chance to spread. I'm sorry but your God is the cause of all the "wahala" we see in the world today.

nnofaith: this thread cracks me up especially the part the lady commented on taking scriptures out of context. didnt see that coming! i expected something like"you need to be in the spirit to understand"
yeye!

No!! You seriously need to be in the spirit of the twisting tiger to understand. Tell her to explain that verse and you'll get an epistle of gigantic proportions

mollie12: Hmmm. I'm not sure you understood the comment or is it that you just want to comment for commenting sake?

* God gets angry
* he punishes children for the father's sin
*he changes his mind after making a decision
* he sends evil spirit to torment those who refuse to carry out his genocide order perfectly e.g Saul
* he loves being praised all the time (like an earthly king)
* he has an enemy (like seriously)
* he loves the smell of burnt animals (they make his head go gaga like chuddy k)
and
* he has a face, ears, nose, mouth, hands and legs.


....................................
Once again I ask, how is he different from man?

A creator might exist but there is no way that the Jewish God would be that creator.
He had so much blood lust and loved animal sacrifices as much as any other God of the time. There is absolutely no difference between him and the God of the Aztecs.

^^^ Funny comment. So, what exactly makes God different from man?
Why should he be worshipped if he thinks and acts just like a man?

[quote author=Area_boy]hard to tell if you joking or not [/quote]Wanted to see the way he would react. Was just goofing around #datzall!

CAMEROONPRIDE: U better..
I thot you were our typical African slave and white worshiper

LMAO!
@nnofaith, mon ba e se re.

CAMEROONPRIDE: Go fck yourself you moronic bastard, im not and wasn't under any cursex you Idiat.I really weep for Africa

hahahahahahahahaha.
Bitter human being, I was only joking.

[quote author=Red-Light]everyone would be an atheist but no one will claim to be an atheist if the religion didnt exist in the first place[/quote]It doesn't matter whether they claim it or not, they would by default be atheists

i was referring to african Americans, black Europeans etc

my point still stands.

lol u cant compare santa with jesus ... the two are way too different ...

why do you say so?

What!!
Is this supposed to be a joke or what?
Shey dis man think reach baba Mayowa wey get 7 wives 14 children and 10 grandchildren?
Ojoro!
The greatest thinker is baba Mayowa, damn! That dude can think.

Now this is getting interesting. The avengers are here to defend their religion. Dudes, make your God proud!

To the op's original question.
I think I stopped believing when I received a higher calling from the loch-ness monster. You see, I was persecuting the atheists but one day, on my way to Jerusalem to finish them off, lightning struck my laptop and destroyed my phone. Confused, I started to panic but a voice like rushing winds spoke to me, the voice was audible and clear. The voice asked me "why are you persecuting me?" I replied "I don't know you" the voice thundered with a reply that shook the heavens "mr man, u think say na play i dey play. No be u dey kill my pikin dem?" I was confused so I said "bros J, na u be dat?". I received a heavenly knock on the head for that question and my brain was reconfigured and all the virus in my head was deleted.
I now spread the good news of the Loch-ness monster and his good friend Santa Claus. You see, it was nothing but divine intervention in my life.

^^^ We are diverting from the original topic. It would be better if you open a new thread so that we can properly discuss.

[quote author=Red-Light]the word "christian" means followers of christ or christ like... Can there be atheists if religion did not exist?[/quote]yes! If there were no religion, every one would be an atheist.

There won't be negroes if slave trade didnt exist...

Wrong! There would be negroes. Negroes were existing before the slave trade began.

According to history, mohammed came 600yrs after jesus and he believed in didnt believe mainstream religion buh he believed in jesus.

I believe in Santa Claus so that means that he once roamed the earth looking for the perfect gifts for "good" children. He has now ascended to the right hand side of the loch-ness monster. Since I believe, it means that Santa is a historical figure right?

monalicious: I think ur story is baseless,if its based on your personal meditations. I'm sorry,but that's not sufficient to debunk the fact that Jesus Christ actually existed. I expected to see references from history books or something,with references people can look up,not your shallow mind. Do more research before you...

You don't have to take my words at face value but the fact is that apart from the gospels, there is no where else you will find support for the existence of Jesus.
For someone like Julius Ceasar, we can easily verify his historicity because there are multiple proofs to show that he existed. For Jesus, we have nothing but the gospels (that were not even written by eye-witnesses).

[quote author=Red-Light]then i think this post z flawed is mohammahed did exist[/quote]Islam came years after Christianity was already established. Mohammed's existence doesn't prove the existence of Jesus. Mohammed was just another believer who had a problem with mainstream Christianity so he decided to break off. You do realise that the story of Jesus in the Quran is different from the one in the Bible.

@Obadiah, why exactly do you think your belief is the absolute truth? Is it because it isn't held by many?

Bolushalom: How did you come about your conclusion?

Meditation and deep consultation with the loch-ness monster who is a friend of Santa and an enemy to the flying spaghetti monster.
How do you think I came to this conclusion?

[quote author=Red-Light]so what abt mohammed?[/quote]I don' bother myself with Islam because it is plagiarised from Christianity albeit it was twisted to suit the Arabian warlords. Mohammed did exist and was an ordinary man with a mental condition (he thought he was receiving visions from angel Gay-bread).

@Obadiah, seems that God is really angry. How do I appease him? goat or ram, which does he prefer?

^^^ Something for the Christians.

I know that the title of this thread will come as a shock to many Christians who hold this man (son of God) in high regard but the truth is you have been lied to.
There is absolutely no evidence to show that this man (son of God) ever existed.
The only proof that we have of his existence can be found in the gospels which cannot really be trusted since they were not written by eye witnesses but were written based on hearsay and are actually copies of copies of copies of copies of the original that has been lost (how convenient). There is no proof for the existence of his 12 disciples or any of his early followers. Another thing is that the story of Jesus is very similar to popular myths (that preceded Christianity) that were held by many when Christianity was still taking shape chief among this is the story of Mithras who was born of a virgin (on december 25th), was very knowledgeable as a child, was baptised, performed miracles, healed the sick, raised the dead, exorcised demons, ate the last supper, was crucified and was raised up on the third day.
There were many factions of Christianity and some of them even held the belief that the story of Jesus was an allegory with deep spiritual meaning but they were wiped off when the popular brand of Christianity was endorsed by Constantine who did a good job of making sure that heretics (a fancy name for those who did not believe in fairytales) and those who held different views about Jesus were destroyed.
Bottom line is this: you have been living a lie, there is no proof that Jesus once roamed the earth.

@Obadiah, I'm pretty sure that you have the Holy Spirit to thank for all these wonderful revelations. How come the Holy Spirit is telling the other Christians something else?
Either you are lying or the Holy Spirit is or God in his infinite mercy has sent a lying spirit to deceive you. You know God's wisdom is foolishness to man so he might be doing it to protect you or something like that.

[quote author=PAGAN 9JA]also remember that christainity too imposed its religion by gunpoint and cannonade. [/quote]And they replaced every pagan concept of God with their own concept of God.
Imagine my shock when I realised that Olodumare, Chineke, Obasi, Oghene etc etc are in no way related to Yahweh or any Christian conception.

Seems the thread is taking a different turn. @op, hope you have been given a satisfactory answer; the thread is getting derailed.