A young girl was talking to her boyfriend in USA on the phone and said,
"Baby listen to track 2 of P square's New album (CHOP MY MONEY) you'll like it."
After a while, the boy replied to the girl and said,
"I have listened to the track it's cool and I think you should listen to track 9 of that
same P square's album (OLE BURUKU). Am sure you'll like it."

A female teacher was having a problem wit a boy in her class of JSS 2. The boy said, teacher, i should be in SS3, ?'m smarter dan my sister ... and she's in the SS3.
The {Teacher}had heard enough of his complains & took the boy to the Principal's office. She explained everythin 2d Principal who decided to test D boy wit sum questions dat a SS3 should know.
Principal: Whats 36 + 36
Boy: 72
Principal: 36 x 36
Boy: 1,296
The Principal asked D boy many questions & D boy got dem right. The Principal then askedD teacher 2 send the boy to SS 3. The teacherrefuse & decided to ask some more questionsand the Principal agreed.
Teacher: What does a cow have 4 of, that i avonly 2 of?
Boy: Legs
Teacher: What's in ur pants that u hv but I dont have?
Boy: Pockets
Teacher: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Teacher: What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft and sticky?
(The principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.)
Boy: Bubble Gum
Teacher: U stick ur poles inside me. U tie me down to get me up, I get wet before u do. What am i
Boy: Tent
(The principal was looking restless)
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When ?'m not well, I drip. When u blow me, u feel good?
Boy: Nose
Teacher: i av a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, Icome with a quiver
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What starts wit 'F' and ends with a 'K' and if u dont get it, u av to use ur hand?
Boy: Fork
Teacher: Whats it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his. and a man gives it to his wifeafter marriage?
Boy: Surname
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone, but has muscles wit lots of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart
The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher: Please Send this boy to a University, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself.. merry xmass pals!

Akpors stood up and said:
Make una join me in thanking and
praising Baba GOD for His
blessings αnd upliftment in my life.
I tell you guys its good to have the
fear of God and be honest.
Last weekend as I was going
home I came across a small bag
and I opened it and behold what I
found inside; 20,000 pounds!!!...
Fear first catch me, but I took the
bag home and when I emptied it
and found some documents, ID
cards, ATM cards and some phone
numbers.
One mind told me to call the
numbers and the other told me to
throw the documents away and
use the money.
I made up my mind and called the
numbers and lucky enough the
owner picked up the call.
When I told him about the bag he
told me he was the owner and told
me everything that was inside the
bag.
We had an appointment and met, I
handed his bag back to him and
he gave me 2,000 pounds which I
rejected and left.
Yesterday he called me and offered
me a job worth 750k a month with
Chevron, a 3 bedroom flat fully
furnished and air conditioned, and
a 2012 Toyota Camry.
-
-
-
-
-
As I was smiling and testing the
car I just woke up

Barrister Joba who's gone to
the village for Xmas celebration
went hunting in a nearby village.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it
fell into Akpors Yard on the
other side of a fence.
As Barrister Joba climbed over
the fence, Akpors
asked him what he was doing.
Joba responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this
field, I'm going in to retrieve it."
Akpors replied,
"This is my property, and you are
not coming over here."
Arrogant Joba said,
"I am one of the best trial
attorneys in this country, and, if
you don't let me get that duck,I'll
sue you and take everything!"
Akpors smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know
how we do things here. We settle
small disagreements like this with
the Three-Kick Rule."
Barrister Joba asked,
"What is the three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer Akpors replied,
"Well, first I kick you three times
and then you kick me three times,
and so on, back and forth, until
someone gives up."
Barrister Joba quickly thought
about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take
the Akpors cos he is older.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The Akpors slowly walked up to him.
His first kick planted the toe of
his heavy workboot into Joba's
groin and dropped him to his
knees.
His second kick nearly wiped
Joba' nose off his face.
Barrister Joba was flat on his
belly when the farmer's Akpors third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to
give up.
He eventually summoned every
bit of his will and managed to get
to his feet and said,
"Okay, you Akpors , now it's
my turn."
Akpors smiled and said,
"Now, I give up. You can have the duck..

Paradise tins on my mind!!!

fleyboy02: My new year resolution is to divorce my first wife and marry the second one den keep the third as my first class date

abeg no mAke any resolution wey go lead you to ur early exit ooh

Series22: My new year resolution is that am going 2 stop coming 2 Nairaland..
So help me God

that's nice sha but I don't think it will be possible.

blink182: This is a crappy tradition as far as I am concerned. Very few people succeed, I've never met anyone who succeeded.

practically, the resolutions I took last year worked for me this year. And I guess making new resolutions would be an improvement for me........(I gues ur not as lucky as I am.)

@moderators front page. Tins on ur mind

Goood day pals!!!........................its been a long hot year shaa........ And av been planning on a new good resolution and aim that am going to use for next year, so as to make next year different and better from this year. And my resolutions are:

1. Am going to study hard in school next year, to increase my g.p from 2 point to 3 point.

2. Am going to stop cheating on ma girl.

3. Am going to try my best to live a righteous life.

4. I must stop masturbation

5. I may stop looking @ women in a lustful way.

6. Am going to stop stealing extra meat from my mama's pot. E.t.c (don't ask!!)
...................So help me GOD.



Please pals fell free to share urs. who knows it may work.

Have a nice day pals!!!!

SniperInADiaper: I thought the date was set for the 20th

I thought it was 10th

binger: *looks around* Where is my gun??

what do you intend to use the gun for?

190-the-clown:
^OP Did you see AbiL

im looking for her

what business is that to me!

Good day pals!! I guess ur eagerly expecting to know the latest updates about the killers of the uniport students in aluu community I want to know too. The last time I heard about the case was last month when the nigerian court adjourned the case to the 10th of this month but up till now I hav heard nothingabout that case. Are we saying that the case has been swept under the carpet or what? I am suspecting it has because I know that the best way nigeria tackle problems are to sweep them under the carpet. Nigeria has everly been so unreliable, currupted and unstable in the way they tackle crime and curruption in this country. Please pals if there is any new news that av not heard about the killers please kindly update me about it. Thanks............

Good day pals!! I guess ur eagerly expecting to know the latest updates about the killers of the uniport students in aluu community I want to know too. The last time I heard about the case was last month when the nigerian court adjourned the case to the 10th of this month but up till now I hav heard nothing about that case. Are we saying that the case has been swept under the carpet or what? I am suspecting it has because I know that the best way nigeria tackle problems are to sweep them under the carpet. Nigeria has everly been so unreliable, currupted and unstable in the way they tackle crime and curruption in this country. Please pals if there is any new news that av not heard about the killers please kindly update me about it. Thanks............

Good day pals!! I guess ur eagerly expecting to know the latest updates about the killers of the uniport students in aluu community I want to know too. The last time I heard about the case was last month when the nigerian court adjourned the case to the 10th of this month but up till now I hav heard nothing about that case. Are we saying that the case has been swept under the carpet or what? I am suspecting it has because I know that the best way nigeria tackle problems are to sweep them under the carpet. Nigeria has everly been so unreliable, currupted and unstable in the way they tackle crime and curruption in this country. Please pals if there is any new news that av not heard about the killers please kindly update me about it. Thanks.............

luvmijeje: Both

before u can see both, then make sure the goof u hav been taking is working.

uj_sizzle:
I'd happily spend half the year bleeding than wake up every morning with a hardon or spend the better part of my life with an uncontrollable bulge between my legs .

well that's a true talk about the bulge stuff. but noting spoil sha we still like!! And by the way who told u guys can't controll their kpecus!!

carefreewannabe:


There is no need to take it 100% seriously.

By the way, many women enjoy taking care of their looks but you're free to go forn the natural type of a lady.

Half of the year bleeding? Who taught you?

you can simply add up all the days u saw ur period through out last year and ur going to get the answer to that.....

slimyem: i'm here now..
I can pull apart at least 10 of those reasons...they don't hold!!

the truth is just soooooo hard to accept.......(Practically u can't) @ ur comment

carefreewannabe:

Reasons why it's great to be a woman:

1. Your charm can help in getting a job.
2. Your charm can help the police ignore you were driving too fast.
3. Your last name will be changed if you don't like it.
4. You can save a lot of money when you're dating
5. Guys open doors for you.
6. You can block the bathroom for a long time.
7. Your friends will not do disgusting things in front of you, e.g. belch loudly.
8. Your friends are not likely to have smelly feet.
9. You can do without sex for a long time.
10. You have a very special bond with your best girlfriends.
11. Your home is sweet and warm, smells nice and there is always something to eat.
12. You father, brothers, boyfriend or husband protect you.
13. You can have a lot of clothes and shoes and still be considered normal to go on shopping.
14. You stay with your kids when they are born and have the time to give them love and attention 24 / 7.
15. When you take out your mood on someone, they'll excuse you 'cause you were on your period and therefore innocent
16. You'll get papmpered when you're on your period.
17. You don't have to fix anything that is broken, the basin, the laptop, the car etc
18. You don't have to carry heavy things.
19. You can spend more time on you because you need to fix your hair, do the nails, find the right outfit.
20. You can wear highheels if you want to be taller.

that is practically a weak and fake life style.

Another nighmarish reason that its not advisable not to be a lady is that 1. they spen almost half of the year bleeding, 2. For the sake of pleasing guys the spend their time fixing fake and uncomfortable attires on themselves e.g they fix their hair, eyelashes, eyebrow, fingernails, boobs, a.Ss, height e.t.c unlike guys, we are sooooo natural,comfortable and contented with what we have!!.......

I made some wonderfull research about guys and I found out some good reasons why it is great to be a guy. (compared to girls).

1. Ur as.s is never a factor in a job interview
2. Ur last name stays put
3. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
4. If u are 40 and single nobody notices
5. Everything on you face stays in its original colour.
6. Three pairs of shoe are more than enough for guys.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth
8. You don't have to clean you apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
9. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
10. Wedding dress=N20,000, tux rental=N3000
11. Gray hair and wrinkles add character
12. You can go to a bathroom without a support group.
13.You can be president
14. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
15. You can freely sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
16. You can drop by to see a friend without buying a little gift.
17. You don't have to get jealous when you see ur fellow guys on a nice outfit.


From my research so far av not seen a good reason why its great to be a girl rather I found out one nightmarish reason y its not advisable to be a girl: 1 (ladies spend almost ½ of the year bleeding) pls ladies I don't wish to piss u all off. But ladies can feel free to share theirs if they have. (Am watching ooh)............thanks

I made some wonderfull research about guys and I found out some good reasons why it is great to be a guy. (compared to girls).

1. Ur as.s is never a factor in a job interview
2. Ur last name stays put
3. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
4. If u are 40 and single nobody notices
5. Everything on you face stays in its original colour.
6. Three pairs of shoe are more than enough for guys.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth
8. You don't have to clean you apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
9. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
10. Wedding dress=N20,000, tux rental=N3000
11. Gray hair and wrinkles add character
12. You can go to a bathroom without a support group.
13.You can be president
14. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
15. You can freely sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
16. You can drop by to see a friend without buying a little gift.
17. You don't have to get jealous when you see ur fellow guys on a nice outfit.


From my research so far av not seen a good reason why its great to be a girl. But ladies can feel free to share theirs if they have. (Am watching ooh)............thanks

Robertomatteo: I have always heard that succeeding in Nigeria without going into crime is very hard but I have always waved it aside when I see young men and women at the top of their fields doing great. I have always wished that one day I could be like one of these people.

Now, I graduated since 2010 and have served but till now am yet to get any reasonable Job. I stay in Abuja and have submitted applications to virtually every thinkable corner but regrettably, I have only been called up by people offering only blue collar appointments. Places that do not have any means of impacting on your life career wise. Currently, I am working with a guy dealing in phone accessories just to get money for daily meals. Why I am so frustrated is that I am the first in a family of 9 and with my graduation, my parents thought I would be of help to the family soon after school but alas, their dreams don't look like coming to pass. Now, I am being tempted to join a drug trafficking circle. I know all the inherent risk in this type of business but what other choice do I have? I was thinking all through the night and I just thought of coming here to see if I can get alternative help.

Like I said, I stay in Abuja. I am looking for a Job that can pay me N50,000 for a start at least. I don't mind what the Job entails, heck it doesn't even have to be the usual white collar job. Any role that can give me a steady income with room for expansion and advancement in the future.
Please nairalanders, I believe someone on this site can be used by God to turn things around for me. I don't want to go into January next year with this uncertainty hanging around my neck.

And yes, feel free to insult me for indulging in self-pity.

@op the bible says the struggles of this world is niether for. The swift nor the strong. But it is for those that give the almighty GOD the chance to take controll over their life. Some. Wealthy people did not get their wealth because of their nice grades in school, most of them did not complete their education, they had their wealth because they found favour in GOD. Ur certificate contributes just 9 percent of the sucess u can aquire in life I.e if GOD wants to bless you he does not need ur grades nor ur certificates all HE needs from u is just for u to TRUST him, have faith in HIM. and deVote some of ur time to GOD by praying. That's all u need for GOD to bless you...................

luvmijeje: How did d dog remove d baby's cloth and hw did it carry d baby to d next room?
If u can ans those question,u ll be a good author.

what have u bEen thinking........(Dirty mind)lwkm

ATMC: Amen! But i could have done something similar to what d woman did in another situation may be not in d above because i'm oftentimes human. Tx all d same. I'm inspired

ur welcome. But how would u feel when its clear to u that the dog realy saved ur daughter after u hav killed it?